"Justified": Kentucky cowboy has gay-subtext romance with unhinged thug. Plus bonus nude thugs.

 

I was recommended Justified: City Primeval (2023). a "neo-Western crime drama" that shoves countrified U.S. Marshall Raylan (Timothy Olyphant) into Detroit.  But I haven't seen the original Justified (2010-2015), with Raylan as a marshall in Harlan County, Kentucky.  

I don't usually do crime dramas; I like my entertainment light, comedies or science fiction.  Besides, they hardly ever include gay characters.  But my mother was born in Magoffin County, about 100 miles north of Harlan, and I've visited several times, so maybe the original Justified will be good for nostalgia. 

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: A rooftop-pool party full of guys cruising bikini babes.  Rylan gave Thomas Buckley, who is an old friend (they ate crab cakes in Managua) until 2:15 to leave the state (Florida does have banishment as a judicial sentence, but I don't think Rylan is a judge).  Big Bad refuses to go, so Rylan shoots him. 

Scene 2: As the coroner takes away the body, Rylan's boss wonders about the legality of shooting Thomas Buckely.  "I gave him a chance to leave.  He didn't take it." Rylan has been shooting a lot of guys, but this one was rich and white, so there's going to be scrutiny.

Cut to a Department of Justice Inquest. "Is it true that you shot a rich white man?"  Rylan, who is now named Dan, shrugs. "He drew his gun on me. Self-defense.  Besides, he deserved to die.  He was evil."

Dan's punishment: Being re-assigned to the wilderness of Eastern Kentucky. "But I'm from there!  I finally escaped!  Please, anything but that!"  Dude, why the cowboy hat?  Kentucky is Appalachia,  You want Montana, 150 years ago.

Scene 3: Dan, who is now named Raylan, arrives in Lexington, a big city with glitz and culture rivaling that of...um, Dayton.  But all we see is the inside of the police station.. The Chief, who is an old friend, has Western movie posters all over his office.   He notes that the Love of Raylan's Life also works here.  So this guy is old friends with everybody?  

Raylan is assigned the case of Boyd Crowther, an old friend who has turned evil.  They're trying to get enough evidence to arrest him -- but no shooting! It's a small town.  People talk."

Scene 4: Boyd Crother (Walton Goggins) and his Boyfriend (Ryan O'Nan, left) discuss a Date Night activity. Boyfriend wants to blow a federal building under construction. Boyd dismisses it as unfeasible.  Instead he blows up a church in a black neighborhood -- without even checking to see if it is empty. Boyfriend protests.

Cut to Raylan explainng Boyd's back story to the Chief. Wait -- he's been working on the case for years. Shouldn't he know everything already?  Back when they were coal miners, Boyd was an explosives expert.  He would yell "Fire in the hole!" to warn them of an explosion coming.  Then he got involved with the white supremacy movement.  

Scene 5: Back to Date Night.  The guys are parked on a narrow country bridge (weird pkace to make out). Boyd wonders if Boyfriend chose a federal building because it would rile the feds enough to arrest him.  And why did he protest blowing up the black church. "I don't see any white supremacy tattoos. Are you even a racist?".  Boyfriend tells him to call his buds in Oklahoma to verify his racism.  His goons are calling Boyfriend's references, but Boyd is tired of waiting and shoots him.  I hate it when Date Night ends like that.

When Boyd calls headquarters (a trailer full of redneck dudes), they say that the references checked out; Boyfriend is a big racist.  "So, how was Date Night?" "Um...er...um...we broke up."   "Was it because he wasn't racist enough, or was his dick too big?"  "Um...er...a little of both."

Scene 6: Raylan wakes up (chest shot) and goes to court to gaze at the typing hands of the Love of His Life, working as a court reporter. She pauses to touch her hair.  Whoa, that's one of his fetishes!  But before he can orgasm, he's called to investigate Boyfriend's body. The police have already found a cap that goes to the rocket launcher used to blow up the black church!  

Cut to the site of the bombed church. A lady pulls her man out of the way of the police.  75% of black parents instruct their kids on how to avoid being killed by the police when they're stopped for "driving while black."  

Detective Gutterson (Jacob Pitts) has already interviewed the eyewitnesses: they said that it was two white guys.  One of them yelled "fire in the hole"  Uh-oh, it was Boyd!

More Boyd after the break

Nick Rutherford: A straight guy who likes to pretend he likes guys. Or is he pretending?

Nicholas Rutherford, Beck Bennett, and Kyle Mooney, formed the sketch comedy group Commedus Interruptus in 2003, while still undergrads at the University of Southern California.  In 2007, they formed the comedy group Good Neighbors, and produced short films like "Is My Roommate Gay?". Later they joined the cast of Saturday Night Live.  

You have also seen Nick on Dream Corps LLC and Adam Devine's House Party

They are all married to women, but they all, and especially Nick, spend a lot of time suggesting that he likes men's physiques and penises.  

Of course, Tony Cavalero does the same thing, but Nick goes even farther, actively suggesting that he is in love with one or both of his comedy team partners.  Here, Kyle Mooney.

Copying the famous returning-soldier kiss from World War II, with comedian Brooks Wheelan.

The Theater of Life, on youtube, consists of multiple stills depicting Nick and Beck as lovers.

Nothing wrong with being bisexual, of course, but with so many guys, and all of them fellow comedians, one gets the impression that Nick is making fun of gay relationships. "Look: two GUYS in love!  They both have dicks! Hilarious!"

Nick and Beck's Theater of Dicks is all about fear of the penis -- and by extension, male sexuality -- as monstrous, threatening to strangle and destroy you.

But then,what are we to make of Nick's instagram post wishing his sister a happy Pride?  Could he be an ally who thinks that being gay is ridiculous? Or maybe just gay men:?  

The Theater of Dicks, and other nude photos, are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

"With Love" Episode 2.4: A gay bachelor party in Las Vegas With lots of bonus butts

  

With Love is a tv-series with an impossible to remember name, about an extended Hispanic-American family, including a gay son and a trans aunt.  In Season 1, each episode was set during a major holiday.  Season 2 seems to be about the wedding of Jorge and Henry (Mark Indelicato from Ugly Betty, Vincent Rodriguez III from My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,), so I reviewed Episode 2.4: "The Bachelor Party."  Which of the guys is getting one? And, more importantly, will there be male strippers?

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: Santiago (Rome Flynn, left)) opens the door at 4 am.  Dre (W. Tre Davis) and his girlfriend Annie criticize him for bulging in boxer shorts. Well, he can hardly help having morning wood.  They're going to get married today because Dre has a lump on his testicle, and he needs Annie's insurance to check it out.  But they want to get married in Las Vegas, and they have to drive because Dre is afraid of planes.

Scene 2: Establishing shots of Las Vegas. Jorge and Henry (left), plus two women and a man (maybe Nick, played by Desmond Chiam, top photo), walk in slow motion into their hotel suite.  It has a crystal sculpture of a male torso. 

They rush to claim their bedrooms.  Jorge complains that he likes the credenza in Room A but the view in Room B, so...they move the credenza.  What a diva!

Woman #1 asks Nick to share her room.  He refuses because it would be too awkward, but she shows her boobs and says "No sex," so he agrees.

Scene 3:  Dre, Santiago, and Annie from Scene 1, who are all black, driving through redneck country. They discuss the weird stuff about the girl Santiago was dating. then Annie criticizes for not wanting to get married: "it's not normal."  Geez, lady, why so judgmental?  Granted, there are two weddings in this episode, but still, some people don't experience romantic attraction, and some just like living alone. 

Santiago wants to normalize people being single, but Annie disagrees: "You want a partner, you want kids."

Dre has to pee, so they pull into a scary redneck gas station.  The attendant glares at them; they change their minds and drive away.  Hey, where's the next scene where he posts his Black Lives Matter sign?

Scene 4:  The guys in their suite. Suddenly "the gays arrive!": James and Jauvier (Scott Evans, Adrian Gonzalez, left).   Why are the friends of a gay couple on tv always flamboyant stereotypes?  They flirt with the one straight guy in the room, give Henry a penis-hat (he doesn't like it because it's too bushy; he likes his pubic hair trimmed), and zoom to the booze. Why are they always drunks?  

Back in his partying pre-couple days, whenever Henry drank tequila, he turned into a loose cannon named Hank.  "He's the reason I'm permanently banned from the Gap)." "He's the reason my wrist cracks when I make a limp-wrist gesture."

Everyone wants to go to the pool, except Hank: with his muscles and bulge, women are always hitting on him. They talk him into it anyway.  Nick the Straight Guy acts as his anti-wing man, blocking all of the drink and sex offers.  Hank suggests that he get with some of the girls himself, but he's mooning over one of the girls they came with (he gestures at them standing together, so I can't tell which).

Scene 5:  The three driving to Vegas stop at a non-redneck place to pee.  Santiago imagines that he sees his ex-girlfriend Lily (who is now in Vegas, being "just friends" with Nick the Straight Guy), walking in slow motion, her hair blowing in the wind. She gives him a flirty glance, then drives away forever.  Maybe she'll show up in Vegas.

Scene 6: Everyone hanging out, the gays wearing pink bunny ears and having no trouble with the limp wrist gestures. They criticize Henry for not drinking. Hey, some people don't drink for religious reasons, some have an alcohol problem, and some just don't like it.  It's his choice, jerks! 

Cut to Nick the Straight Guy in the pool with his crush, discussing how people who are not right for each other can still be friends.  They're shoved together and almost kiss.  That has never happened to me once.

Back to Henry -- they peer-pressure him into drinking tequila, and he turns into Hank.  It makes him horny, so he and his fiance Jorge rush into the room to have sex.  But Jorge gets doused with booze, and while he is cleaning up, Henry/Hank rushes out to sex up some other dudes.  They split up to look for him.

Scene 7: In the casino, Woman #2 sees the penis hat-- but another guy (Jeff Meacham) is wearing it!  He tells a long story.  Henry/Hank also orders a seafood tower in the casino restaurant, then leaves.  We see him next at a disco, dancing with Bob the Cowboy and complaining about all the special treatment Jorge needs. "I need to be watered, too, Bob.  Let's go!"   I would consider that a hook-up invitation, but Bob doesn't.

I'm out of space, but here's what happens during the remaining 20 minutes; Everybody who is supposed to be together gets together. We see some bare chests.  And the bachelor party turned out to be the hanging-by-the-pool scene,  No male strippers.  The end.

Beefcake: Lots of Henry and Nick the Straight Guy.  The pool scene is beefcake-deprived.  I was hoping to see the beset-upon waiter, Gerard (Jared Wernick), but all I could find was a sort of side-butt while sitting on the toilet.

Other Sights: No.

Gay Characters: The guys and "the gays."  I didn't care for the limp-wristed stereotyping, especially since the most limp-wristed was played by a straight guy.

Heterosexism: Lily's got an ex-boyfriend and a "just friend" pining for her.

Judgey:  "If you don't like exactly the same things that I do, you're weird, stupid, or sinful." Ugh! Once I posted on Facebook about not liking mayonnaise, and the hate that came spewing from my friends! 

My Grade: I prefer a little more Vegas in my Vegas settings, and a little more sizzle in my bachelor parties. Henry/Hank even asked Jorge to "make out" rather than screw.  I suppose we should be happy when a tv show centers a gay couple at all. C+.

A lot of bare butts and at least one cock on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

"Dream Corp LLC": A gay couple fights the Predator and a giant catfish in bizarre dream therapy. With Nick Rutherford dick.

Dream Corps LLC  (2016-2020), on Hulu, is an Adult Swim dark comedy about a run-down medical facility where a bumbling Doctor (Jon Gries) and his staff, notably Patient 88 (Nicholas Rutherford, left) solve people's problems through dream therapy.  

I looked up LLC: Limited Liability Company.  No idea what that means, but it sounds like a boring insurance term; not the best name for a show you want people to actually tune in to.  But I'm reviewing Episode 1.3, because it involves a gay couple. 

Link to NSFW Version

Scene 1:  A run-down storage facility. Technician Randy (Mark Prokbsch, who you may know from What We Do in the Shadows), looks for his vape, with the help of T.E.R.R.Y the robot.  He loses his shirt and his hand.

Scene 2:  The Doctor examines Patient 86, aka Brandon (Geoffrey Arend, left), who has hives due to relationship problems.  His boyfriend is late (Brandon tricked him into coming, saying it was "hot yoga").

Forced to "lick the truth plastic", Brandon, reveals that he gets dressed for the gym, then just sits in his car and drinks lattes, he doesn't have any black friends, and he doesn't know if his boyfriend still loves him. Aha, the crux of the issue!  A brief interview could have told you that without a gross "truth plastic."

Patient 103, AKA Rod (Dan Gill), arrives, angry because "You forgot your man again." 

Scene 3: They need Randy to begin the procedure.  Patient 88 finds him trying to re-attach his hand.  Disgusting!  The magnets he used push the hand into Patient 88's crotch and begin masturbating him. He tells TERRY "This is not what it looks like." Randy: "Yes, it is." 

Patient 88 breaks away, and the hand moves on to masturbate Randy.

Scene 4: In their animated dream, the guys are riding penis-shaped dolphins.  They reach land, and a golden staircase.  The Doctor tries to warn them that they are going the wrong way: the staircase will kill them!  But he was knocked out of the dream.  Patient 88 tries to get him back in.

Scene 5: Uh-oh, he's back in the dream, but fighting the Predator!   Meanwhile, the guys reach the top of the staircase.  It turns into a hot air balloon, with Rod hanging over the side!  He says: "If anything happens to me, I want you to know...." I love you?  No: "This was your idea." Darn!

He falls, apparently to his death!  Brandon screams and sobs. 

Scene 6: The dream shifts: Brandon is rafting in a scary swamp.  A giant catfish monster appears and starts yelling in a foreign language!  Outside the dream, Brandon is flatlining!  The staff discusses how to do CPR.  He awakens and yells for them to go save Rod! 

Technician Joey figures out that the murky water and foreign language signify a lack of communication.  Ten minutes of couple's therapy, or a scary, possibly lethal nightmare?  Your choice.

Scene 7: They put Brandon back in the dream, where Rod is running on a giant hamster wheel. Suddenly they are on a ferris wheel, and the Predator appears!  Rod tries to run away, but Brandon stops him: "This is our life, and you always run away! You run away from me!"

Left: Nick Rutherford and friend.

The Predator suggests that Brandon takes Rod for granted. He picks them up and carries them home, where they kiss (disgustingly, with 6-foot long tongues).  They wake up screaming.  But at least their problem is solved.  Wait -- was it lack of communication or taking Brandon for granted? 

Rod admits that, when they were on the hot air balloon, he let go on purpose so Brandon would feel guilty.  He proposes, but Brandon is in too much pain from being pounded on the chest by a robot.  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Grossness: Lots.  They appear to revel in it.

Gay Characters: They are treated like everybody else.  The plot synopsis doesn't even mention that they are gay.

I watched a few other episodes to see if there were any other gay characters. Jimmi Simpson (left) as a guy afraid to fall asleep looked like a good possibility, but the moment he fell asleep, he met The Girl.

My Grade: The dream is sort of cool, but the grossness outweighs it by a ton.  D

There are butts and dicks of Jon Gries and Nick Rutherford on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Hometown Holiday: A Gay Subtext Where You Least Expect It

 Hometown Holiday (2018) is advertised on Netflix with two guys gazing shyly at each other.  The plot synopsis tells me that it's based on a Harlequin romance, and a turnaround of the usual Christmas romcom plot: instead of a driven Big City woman finding love with a small-town guy, it's a driven Big City guy finding love with a small town woman.  

But maybe the two guys gazing shyly at each other form a homoromantic subplot.  And according to IMDB, one of the stars is....ulp...Joseph Cannata.  

Excuse me, I need a moment,

IMDB Photos reveals more intel.  The two guys gazing shyly are Kevin McGarry and Bradley Hamilton.  Kiroh Peterkin gets married to Rebecca Lamarch.  There are two sisters.  I'm completely confused. I'll have to go through a scene-by-scene to determine if there's a gay subplot or subtext.

Scene 1:  Winter in the country. Frosty, snow covered roads.  A Hunky Singer named Wes Gently  (Kevin McGarry, left, but with longer hair and a cowboy scruff) is practicing a song about lost love and "time to try again."  Holy foreshadowing, Batman!  His kid records him. Must be a dead wife back there somewhere.

Scene 2: New Year's Eve.  An elegant party full of beautiful people.  Racial diversity.  No gay couples that I can see. .  Two sisters, Blond and Brunette, complain that the holidays are almost over (I usually say Thank God!). They've both just broken up with boyfriends -- too boring, too old (31!), and they're running a business, Forever Flowers. 

Scene 3: Labor Day.  A lot of closeups of flowers, and an aerial shot of Los Angeles. Driven Agent (Bradley Hamilton, left) walks into a glass-and-steel building and watches Hunky Singer from Scene 1 on his computer.  Turns out that he was just an ordinary rancher singing a song to his dead wife, when his kid recorded him and uploaded the  video to the internet, and it became a smash hit.  Driven Agent is going to offer him "the full deal": records, endorsements, talk shows.  Based on one song?

So the guys gazing are Driven Agent and Hunky Singer

Wes Gently happens to live in the same (unnamed) town as Driven Agent's pregnant sister, so he'll combine a visit with a contract offer.

So the guys gazing are Driven Agent from the Big City and small-town Hunky Singer.  But if they find love with each other, who will the sisters hook up with?

Scene 4: The iconic small town.  While Blonde sits on the porch, Brunette throws out her lying, good-for-nothing, cheating airplane pilot boyfriend -- a shirtless Joseph Cannata!  Sigh!

Ok, that's all the Big City guys for Brunette!  They're all lying, cheating scumbags.  Only small town guys from here on!  So she's getting Driven Agent from the Big City -- no, wait, that's her brother. 

 .  Meanwhile, Blonde sings the Wes Gently song she heard on the internet.  "I like that song," she explains.  "Are you sure you don't like the guy?"  So she's getting Hunky Singer. Who's Drven Agent going to get?  And who is the woman  marrying Kiroh Peterkin?

Scene 5:  The sisters arranging the flowers for a country wedding held in a barn.  Closeups of wheat fields and cows as Driven Agent approaches the Small Town.  He greets Brunette and her husband Darryl (Stephen Huszar, sigh).  "I've come to visit my wonderful sister and her perfect husband."

Darryl grins at him.  Are they sharing a moment?

They invite him to a wedding -- he doesn't know the bride or the groom, but who cares?  Hunky Singer will be there. This clears up the mystery of Kiroh Peterkin -- he's the groom in the wedding they all go to.

"But you can't wear a suit to a country wedding," Darryl says.  "Here, come up to the bedroom, and you can borrow my second-cleanest lumberjack shirt."  They don't take their shirts off on camera, but still, it's a homoerotic moment.

Driven Agent's girlfriend calls.  Ok, he's got a girlfriend back home, so he doesn't get anybody.

No need to continue the scene by scene.  I'll just go through on fast-forward to see if there are any gay subtexts amid the heterosexual shenanigans.

Minute 17: Driven  Agent approaches Hunky Singer about the contract.  He's not interested.  Shucks, he'd have to leave his small town and move to the...shudder...Big City!   A girl comes up and flirts with Driven Agent.  I guess he'll hook up after all.

Minute 40:  Driven Agent has to pretend to be small-town for some reason, so Darryl gives him some tips: take off your hat when you enter a house, say "yes ma'am," and never complain about anything except Big Cities.  He tests him with the job of chopping wood, and says "You're starting to grow on me."  Another homoerotic moment!

They go into the Christmas party.  Darryl touches Driven Agent's chest and puts his arm around him. But you're married to his sister!  Drama!

Who Hooks Up with Whom: Hunky Singer gets Blonde (and signs the contract).  Driven Agent gets Brunette (wait -- that's his pregnant sister.  Another brunette woman lookalike must have appeared out of nowhere).  He decides to stay in the country with her...and his actual sisters..and Darryl.  A subtext where you least expect it.  

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with a Big City Money Dude and a hunky ranch hand, but no Neil Patrick Harris

 

I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason.  The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love.  The twist: Big City is a guy!  It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC.  Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives.  He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone!  At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay.  Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend? 

"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other."  So they've met?  Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?

 "The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases."  Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude. 

More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado.  10,000 to one he finds love there.

Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt!  If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it

Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below).  She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years.  Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.  

"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks. 

High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so."  Her certainty is another clue.

Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?" 

 "Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?"  Tell him what, Mom?  What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?

"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"  

"What could I say: you guys are both gay?"  The big reveal!   Why all the circumlocution and misdirection?  Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror. 

Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too?  So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.

Scene 3:  Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Wyatt arrives. pulls out his luggage, and grimaces. Yuck, back at the place I found so oppressive as growing up!   Mom hugs him and immediately envisions him having kids. Geez, Lady, wait until he's in the house before pressuring him to get married and have kids. 

Wait -- if Wyatt is gay, what's up with the ex-girlfriend Lindsey?  Mom references them with he/him pronouns -- yep, he was a guy with a girl's name, a misdirection to fool us before the big reveal.  Or Wyatt has a thing for gender-bending names: his High School Girlfriend is named Blake.   

Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going."  Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job.  Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!

Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt.  Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem.  So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?  

At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath, misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.  

Then he brings up the real reason for his visit: he wants Mom to sell the ranch!  "It's prime real estate today, and Santa's Workshop isn't making any money."  The others act as if he's proposing eating babies.  

"This is your mother's home," High School Girlfriend says through gritted teeth. "This is all she has." Calm yourself, Girl -- Wyatt isn't kicking Mom out onto the street.  I checked current listings: Colorado ranches go from $2-15 million.  

Mom starts crying.  "So this is why you came home -- to destroy my life?  To spit on your father's grave?"

"Well, that's not the only reason.  I wanted to eat some babies, too."

Scene 5: Night.  Mom reconsiders the proposal: "If I sell, I'll be crying and miserable for the rest of my life, but at least I'll be crying and miserable on a yacht."  

Meanwhile, Wyatt twirls his handlebar moustache, says "Nyah-hah-hah," puts his $5,000 watch on the nightstand, and prepares for bed.  Looking for a blanket, he finds an old photo album of him being a joyful, "family-is-everything" kid, and sighs with nostalgia.

Scene 6: Morning. The Grinch...um. I mean Wyatt...visits Dash, his old horse, who is upset over him not calling or writing for five years: he turns his back, refusing a sugar cube. 

Heath enters with hay, and criticizes Wyatt for abandoning the horse.  But Wyatt doesn't believe that horses feel such things: "Humans are incapable of loving someone for their entire life, so why would a stallion..."

They argue about whether True Love exists.  Wyatt wants to know why Heath came to work on the ranch, instead of looking for big bucks in the big city.  Because small towns are infinitely fulfilling, of course.

Scene 7: Wyatt tries to use human emotions to convince Mom to sell: She's not happy here anymore.  She's let her garden go.  She never has friends over for dinner. 

They discuss Carlos, her ex-boyfriend: she dumped him when he retired. Ageist, Mom?  He owns the lot next door, but he's not developing it. 

Next: "Isn't Heath wonderful with the customers and horses." "No, he's awful.  I'm much better than him.  I seduce millionaires into investing all of their money into my shady hedge funds."  So that's how you get them to invest?  Whip it out, and they're signing.

Scene 8: Heath appears to criticize Wyatt for not caring about anything but money.  He has an idea to save the ranch: instead of tired old sleigh rides, start giving riding lessons. Plus use the empty stalls for boarding, like when horse owners go on vacation.  Wyatt: "Those plans are ridiculous, and you're an idiot, and I have a bigger cock."  

That night, Heath and Ex-Girlfriend are at some sort of Christmas festival.  He complains: "Wyatt is impossible!" Uh-oh, that's movie code for "sexy."  "He's a heartless, soulless, money-grubbing..."  

Ex-Girlfriend mentions that he is paying to keep the ranch going.  Otherwise they'd have been bankrupt years ago.  "He's even paying your salary, Buddy."  Here's an idea, Heath: marry the boss's son. That way you'll still be around even after the ranch is sold.  Problem: the guys still think that the other is straight.

Scene 9: Dinnertime.  Does Heath eat with the boss every night?  Doesn't he have his own place?  Doesn't he have any other friends?  Gay friends, for instance. 

I'm running low on space, so I'll just give the highlights: Heath and Wyatt talk, go horseback riding together (nice scenery), reunite with "the star cheerleader" and her "handsome hubby" (proably Brando White, left), go dancing (boy-girl only, grr).

 They see each other bulging in their underwear, dance again (boy-boy, but on an empty veranda, grr), and kiss. 

Beefcake: Some underwear shots.

Gay Characters: Just the two guys.

Self-Referential Romcom Cliches: Lots.

Misdirections: I know that the misdirections are there to ease in homophobic viewers, but they are so over-the-top that they make viewing fun for everyone.

Pop Quiz: Do Wyatt and Heath a) save the ranch and live there forever, the only gay guys within 200 miles; or b) move to Wyatt's majestic loft in the East Village, where they can have gay friends?

There are a lot of bulge and butt pics, including Neil Patrick Harris, who isn't even in the movie, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends. 

15 Reasons to Skip Christmas

I'm not a big fan of Christmas.  I dread seeing the first Christmas ads of the year, in August or September.  The decorations going up in stores in October.  And the day after Thanksgiving, when the onslaught begins in earnest, a full month of gaudy decorations and tinny music and exhortations to be merry.

It's the most heterosexist time of the year.

Here are 15 reasons to just skip it and spend December hiding out in yurt in Mongolia.

1. The Animated Specials: Unrelenting in their zeal in pairing up Santa Claus, Rudolph, and Frosty the Snowman with their female counterparts, while Burl Ives sings "Somebody waits for you -- kiss her once for me."

2. The TV Movies.  Christmas Magic, A Christmas Kiss, A Bride for Christmas, Undercover Christmas.  A lonely woman finds love with an unexpected man in a "Holiday Miracle."  Over and over and over again.

3. The Nutcracker Ballet.  Ok, so there are ample bulges and biceps to be seen, but it's a hetero-romance composed by a gay man.

4. The Commercials.  15,000 tv commercials show young heterosexual couples in expensive bathrobes giving each other elegant gifts and then kissing.  15,000 more show kids ecstatically upwrapping the gift du jour, while their heterosexual parents hug each other fondly.  No same-sex couples, not even pairs of friends.

5. The Songs.  Men and women endlessly meeting each other under the mistletoe.  Kids getting gender-polarized presents.   And "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," the most depressing song ever written, part of the repertoire of Judy Garland, who believed -- with many gay people of her era -- that to be gay was to be constantly sad.

Did you know that the song was originally much more depressing?  I'm not sure how that's possible, but the maven of depressing songs refused to sing it until it was cheered up from "throw yourself in front of a bus" to a mere "sob uncontrollably."

6. "Don we now our gay apparel."  A reminder that the word "gay" previously meant something like "happy, giddy."  Except today it's regularly censored, lest anyone's holiday celebrations be ruined by the recognition that gay people exist.

7. The Visit.  You are required to wait at a crowded airport, sit in a packed airplane made even more cramped by bulky coats and packages, and go "home" to visit your birth family in the Straight World.  But your heterosexual brother and sister are excused.  The message is clear: they have their own home, but you don't.  No matter how long they have lived in a place, no matter what social and emotional connections they have made, gay people have no "home."

8. The Dinner. Christmas Dinner back "home" involves endless discussions of heterosexual husbands and wives, boyfriend and girlfriends, but you are cautioned not to tell Aunt June about your boyfriend, lest her holiday be ruined.

9. The Breakup.  There are an extraordinary number of breakups just after Christmas.  People who don't like their boyfriends or girlfriends always think things like "I can't ruin their Christmas by dumping them.  But the day after..."

My problem has always been going "home" for 10 days and leaving the boyfriend back in West Hollywood or New York or Florida.  The vultures start circling immediately, bulging and flexing and cruising, and when I get back, I'm welcomed by "I didn't plan on it -- it just happened."

10. The Parties.  They never end.  Various offices, departments, schools, organizations, miscellaneous groups of friends.  10 or more before the season is over -- if you're lucky.

Roomsful of people who don't know you're gay, forcing you to come out endlessly and get surprised reactions, or else endure heterosexist small talk and flirting from every heterosexual Cougar  in sight.

And endless supplies of cookies, candy, cakes, bars, and whatever other high-fat, high-sugar horrors that can be decorated in gaudy colors.

11. The Fashions.  After all the parties, no wonder people dress in bulky sweaters and coats.  Primary colors, gaudy designs, knit fabrics.  It's the worst time of the year for showing off your muscles, or getting a glimpse of a Cute Young Thing's biceps and bulge.

12. Santa Claus.  Fat, elderly, married, and wearing red.  The antithesis of a gay icon.

13. The Salvation Army, which teaches that gay people should be stoned to death, is out in numbers ringing those little bells, and people are tossing money in gladly, emphasizing how thin the veneer of tolerance is -- at any moment, "I don't have any problem with you people" could change to screaming.

14. "A Perfect Holiday Gift."   TV commercials and ads call it "the holidays," but they mean Christmas only, showing only Christmas traditions and ending summarily on December 26th, even though there is still New Year's Eve, Kwanzaa, and sometimes Ramadan and Hanukah left.

Gay people hear quite enough of this "universal" means "only us" claptrap:

She's every man's fantasy.
Every woman wants him; every man wants to be him.
There's not a man alive who wouldn't want to get with her.
Every boy "discovers" girls during adolescence.

15. "Cheer up, it's Christmas."  You are required to feel ecstatic all the time.  Even the most upbeat person can't be up all day, every day, but if you experience even a moment of melancholy, there are 3000 people waiting to tell you that there's something wrong with you, you're a Scrooge or a Grinch.

Gay people hear quite enough of this "You must feel a certain way" claptrap:

You're not really gay.  You just haven't met the right person yet.
How do you know you're gay if you haven't tried it with a woman?
Ok, so you're gay, but don't tell me you would kick her out of bed!

But at least there are Pantomimes in England, and the Santa Speedo Run in Boston.

See also: 

Adam Devine's House Party Episode 2.9: Adam's orgasm, Nick Rutherford's bulge, and guys sucking....

  

Adam Devine's House Party (2013-14, 2016) is a Comedy Central series where Adam hosts a party in a gigantic mansion to showcase three up-and-coming comedians, with a brief story in between the sets. I reviewed Episode 2.9, "Flip Top Twins." because it features a lesbian comedian.

Link to the NSFW version

Scene 1: The gang is set up for the world's biggest flip-top contest (where you drain your cup and then flip it over).  Adam offers to order a pizza (for 500 people?).

Scene 2: The three comedians are hanging out when Adam appears, pretending to be his identical twin Jerome, from Germany.  He comes on to Sabrina Jalees, who is offended by his obnoxiousness, and complains about sexual harassment. 

He leaves, and returns as Adam, with his shirt off: "That's my thing.  I have the right combination of muscle and fat."  No argument there, Dude.  Adam explains that his twin is a sexual deviant who will try to mount Jalees, but she should give it a try because he is good at sex. 

Scene 3: Sabrina's set.  She saw a boy on the subway complainng because Vanessa wouldn't talk to him, and wanted to console him: "You have nothing to worry about. You're 100% gay."  She wished she knew at age 12: sleepovers would have involved titties.  She had a hard time coming out to her Dad because he's Muslim,and wants her to have 10 wives (that sounds Islamophobic).  Her wife's family are southern Republicans, but they love her. 

Scene 4:  Adam explains that he has another identical twin, but they're not triplets, they're two sets of twins.  This bit is confusing, not funny.  

Nick Rutherford's Mom (not played by his actual mother) is a big fan, and wants a photo with Adam.  While they are hugging, Adam has an orgasm.  Mom loves it.  He explains that he has a psychic connection with his twins, so when one has an orgasm, they all do.   

Scene 5; Nick riffs on why women don't slap dudes in the face anymore, and Skype sex with his girlfriend.  She looked like an angel, but he looked like an ape.  Right, women's bodies are beautiful, men's bodies are ugly, got it.

Left: Nick's bulge in Balls Out (2014)

Scene 6: The comedians ask Adam to stop the twin bit, but he insists that it's not a bit, so they decide to slap him in the face.  

Scene 7:  Pizza update: "We do not have it yet, but it is coming soon, just like the women in the audience, when they hear the voice of Jesus Trejo." That's way heteronormative, Adam: all women in the audience are straight?  You know that lesbians exist, right?

 Trejo tries to slap Adam in the face, then riffs on being weird and being a Mexican only child (hey, that's racist!).  Even as an only child, he still got hand-me-downs. "It's hard to pick up girls in your mom's blouses."  I fast-forwarded through this part.

Scene 8: Sabrina succeeds at slapping Adam in the face, but he refuses to drop the bit, claiming to be Jerome.  They finish the flip cup game, the third twin brings in the pizza, and everybody hugs.  The end.  

My Grade: Adam is abrasive, obnoxious, and not funny.  The fact that nobody likes him actually makes it worse.  But at least he takes his shirt off and has a (pretend) orgasm.  C+

Bonus guys sucking....on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

"Single All the Way": Small Town Loving Family or Glittering A-Gay West Hollywood? At Christmas.

 

A standard holiday romcom plot involves parents pressuring their daughter get a boyfriend, so she hires someone to play the part, and end up falling in love with him.  The Netflix movie Single All the Way has the same plot, just with a boy being pressured instead of a girl.

The boy is Peter (Michael Urie, best known as the snarky assistant to fashion diva Wilhemina Slater on Ugly Betty).  Here he lives in a Fairytale West Hollywood: he has a high-prestige job as an agent for hunky male models; a house full of plants that he treats like romantic partners (so disturbing that I almost turned off the movie right there); an infinitely accepting family back home in Small Town New Hampshire; a roommate of nine years, the down to earth Nick, who writes books about dogs and has a handyman app (Philemon Chambers in his first feature film); and glittering parties full of A-Gays who are all his dear friends (and swish exuberantly -- not a leatherman or bear in sight)  

I won't point out all of the near-impossibilities in Peter's story.  Let's just look at the median home price in West Hollywood -- $1.1 million?  This is definitely a fairy tale!  But I guess it's no different from the lavish Big City life of romcom ladies before they are seduced by the simple pleasures of the Small Town.

To top it off, after years of three-day stands, Peter has a permanent partner, a hot, rich cardiologist. He can finally bring a boyfriend home for Christmas, so he won't be judged as a "single loser."  Wait -- if his family is so accepting, shouldn't they be ok with him being single?  Not everyone wants a partner.

But then the rich cardiologist dumps him, right before Christmas.  Peter can't stand the thought of two weeks of judgmental sniping, so he talks roommate Nick into flying back to the Small Town with him and pretending to be the boyfriend.  

But before they can announce the ruse, Mom (Kathy Najimy) announces that she's set up Peter on a blind date with her pilates instructor!

Wait -- he can't start a relationship with someone from the Small Town.  How is he supposed to find a job as a hunky male model agent, or be invited to glittering A-Gay parties?   

He suspects that Mom has just set up the date so the relationship will fail, and she and the family can continue to make snarky digs about what a pathetic loser he is. (The family, by the  way, consists of endless numbers of hugging, "it's so great to see you!" blond women, with Steve Lund playing one of their husbands).

But when Peter sees that the date is with hot super-muscular personal trainer James (Luke McFarlane, top photo) -- well, coffee and a blow job wouldn't hurt.

In movies of this genre, you always fall in love with fake boyfriend.  But you also pick the Small Town over the Big City.  So I knew from the start that Peter would end up with the Nick the Roommate (neither could ever explain why they weren't together already).  The only question was, would they stay in the Small Town, or go back to the glittering A-Gay world of West Hollywood?

It's a Christmas romcom.  What do you think will happen?

"Almost Love": Almost gay comedy about elite New Yorkers with trivial problems, plus Scott Evans nude

 1. Why do gay men in movies always live in New York?  

2.Why are they always super-affluent, when in real life they earn on the average 20% less than straight men?

3. Why are their friends all straight women?  When I lived in West Hollywood, you had straight acquaintances who you weren't out to, but friends, never.  

That's just the first three questions I have about Almost Love (2019), a sort of gay-themed comedy about a super-elitist NYC gay guy and his straight female buddies, who have trivial problems.

Link to NSFW version

1.Adam (Scott Evans, top) wants to be a painter, but he's stuck in a dead-end job ghost-painting for the famous-but-nasty Ravella Brewer.  Question 4: why are all gay guys in movies working as lawyers, actors, or artists?   

His boyfriend Marklin (Augustus Prew) is a famous blogger who is constantly getting fawned over by fans.  They're vaguely unhappy and unfulfilled, but dismiss any suggestion of moving forward in their relationship by getting married, buying a house, and having kids.  

Instead they....gasp...hook up on the side, which this movie portrays as the ultimate in betrayal.  Question 5:  why are all gay guys in movies obsessed with monogamy?  There are a lot of open relationships out there.

2. His BFF #1, Elizabeth, is celebrating her 15th anniversary with Damon (Chaz Lamar Shepherd, left) , wondering "Is this all there is?"  Question 6: How are these people friends? Adam is an artist, and Liz never sets foot in a museum, except for the free wi-fi.

3. His BFF #2, Haley, works as a tutor.  This doesn't seem like the sort of job that would get her the big bucks, but she lives in a huge loft with bare brick wall and gigantic paintings.  

Her problem: the high school boy she's tutoring, Scott (Christopher Gray), isin love with her. The age of consent in New York is 17, so he's not jail bait, but he is certainly inappropriate.  He threatens to kill himself if she refuses him.  Question 7:in what way is this funny or endearing?

4. His BFF #3, Cammie, is dating Henry (Colin Donnell), perfect in every way -- except it turns out that he's homeless!  Her friends cringe. "You invited a homeless guy into your apartment?  You touched him?  Yuck!  Gross!"  Question 8: how elitist can they get?  Is being homeless a disease?

Beefcake:  None.  Question 9: what is the point of a gay-themed movie with no beefcake? 

Other Sights: New York location shots.

Gay Characters: The guys, a gay rights canvasser, a potential hookup.  

Elitism: Through the roof. Question 10: Why does everyone in this movie look down on people who are poor or Hollywood poor (middle class in the real world)?

My Grade: C.  

There are nude frontal and rear photos on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

The First Bad Kid: Barry Gordon

In 1954, the six-year old Barry Gordon made the scene with a hit single, "I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas (because I've been nuttin' but bad)":

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug;
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Far more mischievous than Dennis the Menace or Peck's Bad Boy of the 1920s, he was a humorous precursor to the threatened or threatening kids whom the adults would fear through the 1960s.

You couldn't have a kid miss out on Christmas forever, so they made him record "I Like Christmas" in 1955.  He recorded several other singles and albums, with songs like "Rock Around Mother Goose" and "I Can't Whistle."



In the 1960s he made the rounds of tv guest spots: Leave It to Beaver, Davis the Menace, Make Room for Daddy, Jack Benny, and Love American Style (in the episode "Love and the High School Flop-Out").  Why is he sitting with his hands like that?










He made many movies, including Hands of a Stranger, Pressure Point, The Spirit is Willing, and Out of It (1969), in which a high school brain (Barry) buddy-bonds with a jock (John Voight).

Barry was nominated for a Tony for his performance in the Broadway play A Thousand Clowns (adapted for film in 1965), as a gay-vague teenager crushed when his free-spirit guardian (Jason Robards) caves to the establishment.

Barry never got to play romantic leads, but he played a lot of nebbishes, homoromantic best friends, and next-door neighbors in comedy and sci-fi. In voice work, he played Donatello in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the Nestles Quick Bunny, and the Honeynut Cheerios Bee.

More recently he has played an impressive line of lawyers, doctors, rabbis, and sundry authority figures.

After serving as the longest-running president of the Screen Actors Guild in history and running for Congress twice, Barry settled down as a radio commentator (From Left Field,  Left Talk with Barry Gordon) where he gives his progressive viewpoint on everything from healthcare reform to gay marriage.