Gemstones Episode 4.2, Continued: Pontius' private parts, Gideon's bottom buddy, and JR's junk. Plus Karen from "Will and Grace" sings

  

Link to the NSFW version

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's dong, BJ's pole, Kelvin's pipe, and the Clobber Verses.

In Part 1, the conflicts of the seasons were introduced: Eli is looking for meaning, BJ for independence, and Keefe for a wedding ring. Next up: Jesse and his Cain-and-Abel sons, Pontius and Gideon.

Pontius' Private Parts: Jesse taping a commercial for his new line of Prayer Pods, like privacy pods except that inside you can pray, play Bible Bonkers, listen to a sermon, and so on.  He forces the entire family into one.  It's a tight fit: Pontius, sitting on his lap, deliberately f*arts in his face.

In the dressing room, we get some back story:  Pontius (top photo and left) got kicked out of the Citadel for low grades, and  because he was posting videos of his buddies sticking firecrackers up each other's bottoms.  

That sounds like slang for gay activity, but apparently it's a real thing: people put fireworks in their friends' bottoms as a prank.  

I still think Ponty is hinting at same-sex interests.  

Amber notes that you can "hurt your privates doing things like that," but Pontius insists that his privates work fine, disgusting his parents.  Darn, now you have viewers checking out your bulge.

Gideon's Bottom Buddy: Jesse can't communicate with his father Eli, but Gideon has no trouble: "I call Granddad, or he calls me."  

This enrages Jesse, who calls them bottom buddies.  Amber points out that the phrase actually refers to "s*odomy," so he backs down: "I didn't mean it like that.  I'm not trying to say that he's trying to f*k Daddy."  Of course not, Gideon is a bottom.

This is a continuation of the Eli-Gideon relationship from Season 3, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.  I'm wondering, however, if Gideon is ever going to have a relationship with anyone outside the family.  His last friend or boyfriend was Scotty, who died at the end of Season 1.  Your Granddad has overcome his grief and moved on, Gid Baby; maybe you should, too.

Abraham's got nothing: Poor Gavin; his last plot arc was in Season 2, and it was about leaving secretions all over the house.  Looks like he's got nothing here, either; after the Prayer Pod commercial, he sits by himself and plays on his cell phone, just entering the conversation to laugh that his Dad is "b*utthurt" over Gideon's relationship with Eli.  

Amber criticizes that phrase as referencing "s*odomy" also.  What you got against gay stuff, girl?

Karen arrives:  The siblings are getting jetpack training from J.R. Rodriguez (good idea), when it's time for the friend or relative from Eli's past to arrive and shake things up: Baby Billy in Season 1; Junior in Season 2; May-May in Season 3; and now "Mama's bestie," Lori , played by Megan Mullaly, Karen on Will and Grace.   

Everyone rushes to hug her; Kelvin blurts out "I love you."  It sounds like he means it in a romantic way.  Is he going to dump Keefe for the old lady?  They discuss how much they miss Aimee-Leigh.

She explains that she hasn't visited for awhile because she's been doing dinner theater in Pigeon Forge -- the Smokey Mountains home of Dolly Parton's Dollywood and other countrified attractions.  An article in Focus, the Tennessee LGBTQ magazine, calls it a "Gay Mecca."

Maybe not a mecca; it's still overwhelmingly "family friendly" conservative fundamentalist Christian. They had a "Gay Day" at Dollywood in 2004, but horrified protests caused it to not be repeated.

More after the break. 

Alfie Williams: A missing p* enis, a youthful scoundrel, a zombie fighter. Is he or his character gay? Or both?

Link to the n*de dudes

I was checking my Instagram yesterday, when it recommended that I follow someone named Alfie Williams.  Never heard of him.  This is the first time Instagram has recommended someone other than a fitness trainer or bodybuilder.  I figured it must be either because he plays a gay character or he is gay in real life.

In the small photo on my cell phone, Alfie looked like a guy in his 20s, but when I checked his Instagram on my laptop, he turned out to be a young teenager.  14 in 2025.

So, an out-and-proud 14 year old, or playing an out-and-proud 14 year old?

Turns out that research wasn't at all difficult; there are a lot of interviews and articles about Alfie.

He was born in 2011 in Gateshead, across the river from shipping and partying center Newcastle-upon-Tyne in northern England.  His father is Alfie Dobson, an actor and bodybuilder with nine credits listed on the IMDB.

Alfie Jr. broke into acting with the short film Phallacy (2021): a 12-year old boy wakes up to find his p* enis missing. Doctors say there is nothing they can do (transmen get a working p* enis from their vaginal tissue, but the boy doesn't have anything to work with). Don't worry, when you grow up, you'll find a lot of things to do in the bedroom that don’t require one.

  Sounds like a lot of LGBTQ symbolism and hegemonic masculinity going on.  An inclusive start to your career, Alf.

Next came Ghost Theo, a resident of the Land of the Dead in Episode 3.5 of the dark fantasy His Dark Materials (2022).  He only has one line.

An unspecified character in BBC Radio 4's adaption of the soap opera Our Friends in the North, about four Newcastle blokes whose lives intersect from 1964 to 2022.

Young John Henry Sayers in A New Breed of Criminal (2023).  The adult John Henry Sayers (played by Alfie's Dad) and his brother Stephen (Steve Wraith) were real-life gangsters who ran the city of Newcastle in the 1990s. 

But it is Alfie's starring role in 28 Years Later (2025) that prompted the flood of interviews and articles.

I saw the original 28 Days Later (2002), where bicycle courier Jim (Cillian Murphy) gets into an auto accident, and wakes up from a coma "28 days later" to discover that he's a survivor of a zombie apocalypse.  He meets two other survivors, Mark and Selena, but one is immediately killed.  The other announces that just because they're the last two people left on Earth, they're not going to f*ck; but they do.  They fall in love, adopt a survivor girl, and escape to an idyllic rural future together.  

Guess which is killed, and which falls in love.  

Right.  Offensively blatant erasure of gay potential in order to promote the myth of universal heterosexual desire and practice for the 10 millionth time. 

In 28 Years Later, 12-year old Spike (Alfie) is living with his parents in a survivor community on Lindisfarne, a tidal island that was home to a famous Medieval monastery and the Lindisfarne Gospels. Dad (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) takes him to the mainland for a coming-of-age ritual, and they are separated for some reason.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson's d*ck is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Later he takes his sick Mum to the mainland to see a doctor (Ralph Fiennes, right), who says that she is dying of brain cancer and must be euthanized. We see it happening.  That settles it: I'm not watching this movie.  F*ck the Sadness.

More after the break

Derrick Burbage: Stunt driver, soldier, cop, realtor, hombre muy hombre -- or not. With backsides, b*ondage, and dad d*cks

Link to the n*de dudes

When I was in college, I brought a friend home for spring break, and pointed out my father's flower garden.

Friend: Your father is not a man.

Me: Dude, I've seen his d*ck.

Of course, he was not defining man as someone with a d*ck.  He meant man as someone who meets the expectations of hegemonic masculinity: 

Muscular, hairy chest, beard or five o'clock shadow.

Aggressive, assertive.

A fan of sports, Tool Time, huntin', fishin', and classic cars.

Experiencing no emotion except anger.

Ok with his kid being gay as long as he's a top.

Fleeing from any hint of anything feminine-coded, from flowers to flowery adjectives. 

In Spanish, we say un hombre muy hombre. 

When I first noticed Derrick Burbage, he struck me as a perfect example of an Hombre Muy Hombre

He appears in Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.1 as Jesse's driver, taking him from the private airfield through our first glimpse of the Gemstone Compound, with its private police force and security guards.  How hombre muy hombre can you get?

Derrick returned several times during Seasons 1 and 2 as a stunt driver and Danny McBride's stunt double.  He was honored to crash "a classic 1970 Cadillac."

And in Season 3 as a stunt driver.

His IMDB biography talks about military convoys, Afghanistan, light and heavy weapons training, tactical combat vehicle operations, and "real-life high-speed vehicle pursuits." 

I'm getting a testosterone overdose just writing those words.

Derrick's stunting and acting work begins in 2014, when he was 38 or 39.  I pieced together his early life with LinkedIn, Facebook, his stunting resume, and speculation.

Baseball: He was born in 1974 or 1975.  No information on high school, but he's a baseball fan today, so I imagine that he was on the baseball team.  After graduation, he probably joined the army. 

Policing:  Derrick graduated from the South Carolina Criminal Justice Academy in 1998.  This is probably not him -- no cell phones in 1998.

He worked as a South Carolina State Trooper (1998-2009) and Charleson County Deputy Sheriff (2009-2010).

Back to school: Troy University, in Troy, Alabama, which is not as bad as it sounds -- they have a LGBTQ group on campus.  

He graduated in 2011 with a B.S. in Computer Science and Criminal Justice (3.95 GPA, Phi Beta Kappa).  I imagine anyone would do well after working for 13 years as a criminal justice professional.

Geek Squad:  For the next few years, Derrick worked as a regional manager at Geek Squad, plus  manager of a liquor store and a private investigator.  It's a gig economy.  Everybody has three jobs.

Realtor: He got a MBA from the online Capella University in 2016 and became a licensed realtor in 2017.  

Acting: Derrick started acting as the cop who arrests Terry (Shawn Hatosy) on a 2014 episode of Reckless.

Next came Office Don in the short Lucky Luke (2018), about two beach pals (Michael James Daly, Rodney Smith) reminiscing.

Some guest spots on The Righteous Gemstones (2019).

Stunting:  The Righteous Gemstones was his first stunting gig.  Next came: 

Black Adam (2022), with Dwayne Johnson as the Marvel superhero.

The Walking Dead (2022, where he doubled for Season 4 antagonist Jason Butler Harner, left)

Echo (2023-24), with Alaqua Cox as the Marvel superhero.

And Suncoast (2024), about a teenage girl who befriends an activist.

 

The full profile, with n*de photos and more about Derrick's romantic life, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Austin Seifert: Cycle Ninja, Gisondo double, stunt backside. With some skateboarding and n*de photos

Shane Gray: Stunt performer, pole vaulter, boy scout, man's man, with a potential d*ck and locker room hijinks

Shane Michael Parker: Soldier, stunt d*ck, wolf fan, gay b*ondage performer?