Kurt Ostlund: The Disney Channel's Slab, comic book fan, bank robber, gay best friend, n*de bodybuilder

 Link to Kurt's d*ck

Mr. Young (2011-13), on Disney XD, featured Brendan Meyer as a genius who graduates from college at age 15 and, instead of taking a professorship at MIT and working on the string theory of the universe, becomes a high school science teacher.  In standard teencom style, he has a best friend, a crush, and a bully -- all students at the school --  and hilarity ensues.  And a lot of tongue-lolling, jaw-dropping "Girl of My Dreams" heteronormative ideology

But it wasn't totally execrable. There was a gay-subtext bromance between the buddies, and the bully Slab (Kurt Ostlund) only expressed heterosexual interest once.  Plus he had some gender-atypical traits that key in to gay stereotypes.

I've checked the adult careers of the three main male actors, and it looks like Slab is the only one with gay potential.  So let's take a look:

Our guy went on to play more slabs in heteronormative projects:

Hothead in Mark & Russell's Wild Ride (2015): two high schoolers try to win the Girl of Their Dreams or something.

Oggy in Unseen (2016): A family man who's invisible searches for his missing daughter.  It's not a comedy.

But then he went full-on bear to play gay-vague or "no expression of heterosexual interest" characters, such as a comic book fan who is targeted by a ghost for stealing important issues in an episode of Supernatural (2018).

Soldiers in Project Blue Book (2019) and The Terror (2019).

Strong Boy in 15 episodes of Snowpiercer (2020-2022), about a train that carries the last survivors of humanity after the world becomes a frozen wasteland.  He is brain-addled from his trauma, but eventually recovers, joins the resistance (there's always a resistance), and sacrifices himself to save his friends.

More after the break

Gregory Harrison: Not For Ladies Only

While Magnum and Buck Rogers were grunting and posing, Gregory Harrison was quietly making a name for himself on Trapper John, MD (1979-86) as Gonzo Gates, the irreverent surgeon who lived in a trailer  (don't surgeons make a steady income?) and sunned himself semi-nude in the hospital parking lot.  Lot of beefcake, some minimal buddy-bonding, and two "gay episodes":

In 1981, a swishy gay guy named Judy is hospitalized after a hate crime (they called it "gay bashing" back then). All gay men are drag queens, I get it.   But at least all drag queens aren't homicidal maniacs; Judy turns out to be nice.

And in 1985, one of Nurse Libby's old boyfriends turns out to be gay and have AIDS -- the third AIDS-centered episode on network television.

Gregory Harrison is no stranger to beefcake.  In 1973, he played one of a group of students who romp around nude in The Harrad Experiment, along with Don Johnson, and during the 1970s (and 1980s and 1990s), he was often asked to appear shirtless in his tv and movie appearances, not to mention Battle of the Network Stars. 


But in 1981 he went all the way (or as far as the censors would allow), playing an aspiring actor who becomes a stripper in For Ladies Only.  In spite of the heterosexist title, he got many gay fans and write-ups in gay magazines like Christopher Street.

Nor is he a stranger to bonding.  In North Shore (1987), he plays Chandler, an experienced surfer who lives on the North Shore of Hawaii and begins a buddy-bonding romance with Arizona transplant Rich (Matt Adler, right).  In Red River (1988), he plays Cherry Valance, who buddy-bonds with Matthew Garth (Bruce Boxleiter) during a cattle drive.

Greg has always been quick to acknowledge his gay male fans.  In an interview, he estimated that about a third of his fan emails are about his role in the gay-angst movie It's My Party (1996), in which a gay man with AIDS invites his friends to a party, after which he will commit suicide.


He has also toured as Billy Flynn in the gay favorite Chicago.

See also: Eric Roberts: A career of sleazebag killers and noble gay guys

Jason Bradley Jacobs: From a cowboy cruising in the shower to a Kentucky cartoon Adonis to...well, isn't that enough?

Link to the n*de photos

Insurance companies go to great lengths to produce clever commercials, but they rarely venture into the realm of beefcake.  That's why the Eastwood Insurance cowboy was so memorable.

In California in the 1990s, a series of at least 30 tv commercials showed the Cowboy riding up to a befuddled car owner, almost always a man, who was paying too much for car insurance, and "saving the day" with Eastwood's low, low prices.

The best commercials had him in the shower, n*de except for his white cowboy hat, cruising...um, I mean talking about insurance to another guy, who seems more interested in his physique than his insurance policies.

Nudity in unexpected places is always stunning.

Besides, he had quite a smile.


The Cowboy was played by Jason Bradley Jacobs, who has only two acting credits on the IMDB:

A record company executive in Selena, 1997, about the Tejana singer who topped the Latin music charts and sang at the Astrodome.

Maurice Charpentier in The Feast of All Saints, 2001, based on the Anne Rice novel about "the Free People of Colour" in 19th century New Orleans, "a dazzling yet damned class caught between the world of white privilege and black oppression."  Anne Rice -- shouldn't there be vampires?

It stars many recognizable African-American celebrities, including Robert Ri'chard, Ozzie Davis, Ruby Dee, James Earl Jones, Eartha Kitt, Ben Vereen, and Forest Whitaker. 

Jason provided the voice and artists' model for a character in a comic book and animated series, Plowboy in the Cornmeal Universe, created by D.W. Newman.  It is set in the Appalachia of 1978, the era of Jimmy Carter, Hee-Haw, and The Dukes of Hazzard, and emphasizes the "raw physicality and blatant s*xuality."

More after the break

"American Primeval": Mormons, settlers, Paiutes, and soldiers fight in a very damp Old West.

 

 I thought American Primeval, on Netflix, would be about bikers, but it's a Western: 

"Utah territory, 1857. Wild and Untamed.  The United States army, Mormon militia, Native Americans, and pioneers, all locked in a brutal war for survival."

Back story: The U.S. took control of what is now Utah during the Mexican-American War in 1846. The Mormons under Brigham Young  settled in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847, and proposed the new state of Deseret.  They got Utah Territory instead. Conflicts with the U.S. government over Mormon practices like polygamy led to skirmishes and eventually the Mormon War, aka the Utah War, 1857-8.

Yes, you do need to know this to understand the episode.

Scene 1: Mrs. Rowell and her son Devin, reading Oliver Twist, have been waiting forever at the end of the train tracks, in St. Joseph -- wait, St. Joseph, Missouri?  That's 1,000 miles from Salt Lake City.  

Left: as far as the railroads went in 1857.

Finally John Frye (Clint Obenchain) arrives to take them by covered wagon the rest of the way to Fort Bridger, now in Wyoming.  Then they will meet Jim Beckworth for the rest of the passage.  Devin wonders why they don't just go to California.  I agree.

Scene 2: Cut to Fort Bridger, with teepees outside. People gambling, fighting, smithying. A Shoshone girl steals a knife.  Mrs. Rowell and Devin arrive.  Shoshone kids try to sell them trinkets.  

Problem: they were delayed, so Jim Beckworth is gone.   A Frenchman keeps insisting that he can guide them, becomes violent, and kills their guide, so Jim Bridger (Shea Whigham), the head of the fort, kills him with a shovel.  Mrs. Rowell is aghast: she was told that this was a peaceful trading post. 

He suggests that she return to Boston, or at least wait until spring. Right now there are too many outlaws, Mormons, Indians, bears, and wolves rampaging, and then the Wasatch Mountains, which are impassable in winter. No, she can't wait: she has to meet her husband at Crooks Springs (not a real town).  

Scene 3: Bridger leads them to a mountain man, Isaac (Taylor Kitsch), who might want to guide them. Problem: he's shooting at them.  Bridger proves that it's really him, and leads them to his camp, where he's washing -- butt shot.  Isaac doesn't want to hang out with "a woman and a cripple" (boy wears a leg brace).  

Scene 4: Mrs. Rowell and Devin finally manage to hitch a ride in a wagon train of families from Arkansas, led by James Fancher (uh-oh, she's in trouble). She bonds with the Mormon Jake (Dane DeHaan) and his wife Abisha.

He's not really a creep -- this photo just makes him look that way.

Remember the Shoshone girl who stole the knife?  She uses it to kill her father or another older man who keeps assaulting her.  Then she stows away on Mrs. Rowell's wagon.  Looks like Devin will be getting a girlfriend.

Oh, and a little too late, a bounty hunter arrives, looking for Mrs. Rowell -- turns out that is not her name. She is wanted for murdering a man in Philadelphia.  Maybe her husband?  So who is the fake Mrs. Rowell hoping to meet?

More after the break

Everybody Hates Chris

Everybody Hates Chris (2005-09),  loosely based on the childhood of comedian Chris Rock in the 1980s, was about a boy named Chris (Tyler James Williams) beset-upon by weird neighbors and a crazy family.  School is even worse; as the only black student at Corleone Junior High, he suffers both overt and well-meaning liberal racism.

True to the tradition of erasing black beefcake, no one disrobed on camera.  But there were nearly as many bulges as on The Jeffersons, and you could easily find shirtless and nude shots elsewhere.

Tequan Richmond, who played Chris's opposite, his supremely lucky and supernaturally attractive brother, posted many muscle pix on his website.  He now plays a teen hunk on General Hospital.

Terry Crews, the Dad, is a former football star with a bodybuilder's physique who often flexes in his movies (most recently he has done voice work on The Ultimate Spider_Man).

The word "gay" was never spoken, though once they used "androgynous" as a euphemism.  And, at least in the first season, Chris featured one of the strongest teenage homoromantic subtexts in contemporary tv.

When Chris arrives at Corleone Junior High, the only kid who will befriend him is the nerd Greg (Vincent Martella, who also voiced the Disney Channel's Phineas and Ferb).  Soon they become inseparable  -- and exclusive; when one courts another boy, the other seethes with jealousy. They break up, realize how much they care for each other, and reconcile again.

They have a Romeo-and-Juliet moment in “Everybody Hates Greg” (November 24, 2005): Greg’s father forbids him from seeing Chris, and the two go through absurd machinations to be together, behaving according to media conventions for heterosexual participants in a “forbidden romance.”  Finally Greg’s father relents, saying “You’re big buddies, huh?”, apparently recognizing that the emotional importance of their bond transcends that of ordinary “buddies.”

The adult Chris Rock, who narrates each episode, seems somewhat discomfited by the intensity of the pairing.  Some of his asides, such as “Hey, this ain’t Brokeback!” (referring to the gay-themed movie Brokeback Mountain) deny that the pairing is romantic while explicitly linking it with gay romance.

Other asides, such as “How could I have so much drama without a girl?” appear to proclaim that the relationship is invalid because it does not involve girls, but actually indicates that girls are not necessary, that “drama” (emotional turmoil) is equally possible in same-sex relationships. The attention paid to the homoromance, and its thematic association with heterosexual romance, suggests that it is significant, even intentional.

However, it is temporary; after the first season, the two become ordinary best friends, both are wild about girls.

See also:  "The Neighborhood"

Everybody loves Greg: Vincent Martella grows up, plays Phineas, dates some guys.

Frederick Koehler: Chip from "Kate and Ally" grows up, shows his d*ck, plays some psychos, and vanishes. With bonus Beau Mirchoff

Link to the n*de Chip and Mirchoff

Viewers who saw this guy's d*ck in a 2004 episode of the prison drama Oz were shocked.  Not by the d*ck -- there were lots of them on Oz.

Not because he was Andrew Schillinger, 20-year old son of the white supremacist prisoner Vern Schillinger.

 

Not even because he was a heroin addict who would be given a batch by an unscrupulous guard and die of an overdose.

Because we were looking at a grown-up Chip.

Although he had appeared in Judging Amy, Ally McBeal, Profiler, Gideon's Crossing, Charmed, and A Kiss Before Dying,  Fred Koehler was famous for Kate and Allie (1984-89), a sitcom starring two recognizable 1970s tv stars, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James, a free spirit-stick in the mud couple living together. Fred Koehler played their 10-15 year old son, Chip

No, they weren't lesbians, although they pretended to be in an early example of a "let's pretend to be gay to get some of their incredible privileges" episode. 

After Kate and Ally -- I have to keep checking, but I'm pretty sure it's "ally," not "allie" -- Fred attended Carnegie-Mellon University, got a degree in theater, changed his stage name to Frederick, and returned to Hollywood.

To quote Sally in Peanuts, isn't the grown-up Frederick "the cutest thing"?   Short, rather husky, with a round, handsome face and a befuddled expression that makes him perfect for roles as oddball outsiders with no heterosexual interests.  Instead, they are gay-vague, yearning for love, acceptance, and family.

Like Ben Sharpless, teenage son of the obsessive sheriff Nolan in Birdseye (2002).

Or the mentally handicapped Pemon in Little Chenier (2006).

More after the break

Bewitched, Bewildered, and Gay

You can always distinguish between gay and heterosexual Boomer boys by asking: Bewitched or I Dream of Jeannie?

Jeannie (1965-70) offered the sexist fantasy of a man whose semi-nude, subservient genie called him "Master," while Bewitched (1964-72) offered. . .well, witches.  Samantha (Elizabeth Montgomery) has married the mortal Darren (Dick York, left, followed by Dick Sargent), who forbids her to use witchcraft -- but she apparently finds suburban housework infinitely more satisfying.

Or at least that's what she claims to the endless array of relatives who pop in to announce that they've just been to a fabulous party in the South of France or to the ostrich races with the Maharaja of Eyesore.

"I've got a secret" plotlines in the 1960s could always be read as metaphors for the gay experience -- especially when the secret involved so much fabulousness -- and the message, in spite of Darren's sputtering about not using witchcraft, was "be true to yourself. . .accept who you are" -- but there was more for gay kids in Bewitched. A lot more.

1. Samantha was nicknamed "Sam," so sometimes -- often -- strangers overheard Darren talking about being "in love with Sam" or "married to Sam," and their eyes bulged and their jaws dropped as they concluded that he was. . .you know.

2. The disdain with which the witch community approached Sam's "unnatural" love for a mortal can be seen as a metaphor for 1960s race relations -- miscegenation laws were still being enforced in some states until 1967 -- but also for a same-sex relationship.

3. There was a never-ending parade of teen idols, including Bill Mumy, Craig Hundley, and Boyce and Hart.

4. Several characters were gay-coded -- flamboyant, theatrical, and utterly uninterested in the opposite sex, including Samantha's sarcastic mother,  Endora (Agnes Moorhead); her Shakespeare-quoting father Maurice (Maurice Evans), and her wise-cracking Uncle Arthur (Paul Lynde).

5. Several actors were themselves gay, including Maurice Evans, Paul Lynde, and Diana Murphy (half of the twins who played daughter Tabitha).  And others were gay allies.

Dick Sargent, the second Darren, came out in 1991, and became the grand marshall of the 1992 Los Angeles Gay Pride Parade, along with his tv wife Elizabeth Montgomery.  My friend Randall in West Hollywood dated him.


Bewitched was the inspiration for many "I've got a secret" series infused with gay symbolism, such as Out of this World and Sabrina the Teenage Witch.