Gemstones Episode 2.4: BJ gets baptized, Baby Billy gets Funyons, Kelvin gets dissed, and Harmon gets a cat. With nude Israeli dudes.

  

In case you're interested in the insightful analysis but not the naked Israeli guys, I'm posting a G-rated version of Episode 2.4 here.

Nope -- take me to the nude Israelis.

This is my favorite of the season. Although we continue with Eli and Kelvin's intertwining darkness, we add two more or less lighthearted plotlines, starring Judy/BJ and new characters Baby Billy/Tiffany.  They are all tied together by the question of eros/phileo: how can we reconcile the erotic desire that leads to permanent romantic partnerships with the love of family and friends?

A Boy and His Cat: Flashback: Charlotte, North Carolina 1993.  Going in fresh, pretending to have never seen Season 1, we are introduced to new characters, the grinning, fast-talking Baby Billy, his wife Gloria, and their special-needs son Harmon, in the mall at Christmastime,  Later we will discover that Baby Billy is a ne-er-do-well, constantly coming up with sleazy scams and get-rich quick schemes.  He and his sister Aimee-Leigh were child stars before she went on to a career as a serious gospel singer and married Eli Gemstone.  Baby Billy never forgave her for "abandoning" him.

  

After Harmon gets a photo on Santa's lap, Gloria goes off to shop, leaving father and son alone. Baby Billy offers to let Harmon choose any Christmas present he wants.  He chooses a cat. Then Baby Billy says that he's going off to buy Funyons, onion-flavored snack rings (this will become important later).  Instead he runs away, abandoning his family! 

BJ's Family:  Judy's husband BJ, previously a nonbeliever, converted and was welcomed into the church in Episode 2.2.  Now it's time for his baptism, and he has invited his family to the event -- Mom, Stepdad, and grown sister KJ.   Judy disapproves of the "filthy atheists." and they are abrasive as well, angry at being put up in a hotel instead of some of the twenty or so guest rooms in Judy's mansion, and  thinking of the Gemstone ministry as a money-grubbing cult.

 Yuck -- BJ kisses them all on the lips!  Has he solved the eros/phileo problem by conflating the two, treating his family as lovers?    

KJ's butch mannerisms have led many fans to conclude that she, or the actress playing her,  is a lesbian.  Maybe KJ, but not Lilly Sullivan, who married Tim Baltz on February 5, 2022, two weeks after this episode aired. This makes the later allegations of incest especially problematic.

Remember the Lissons?: We cut to Jesse and Amber hanging out with the Lissons -- the megachurch pastors  planning a Christian resort  -- and discussing how close their friendship has become.  Jesse breaks the news that they can't get their Daddy to fork over the money to invest.  He's asked multiple times, but Eli refuses to budge.

Lyle is aghast. The Gemstones are worth over $600 million; surely Jesse can afford $10 million on his own?   Nope, it's all Daddy's money.  Jesse will control it someday, of course, but not until Eli dies.  

The Lissons are irate, lambast Jesse and Amber for being poor, and break off the friendship.  I think they just liked you for your money, guys.

The Judean Desert:  Kelvin and Keefe figure that they can restore the confidence of the God Squad with a 40-day field trip in the Judean desert.   They walk across the Gemstone airfield, Kelvin in a military coat with a leopard-spotted beret, and Keefe in an oddly feminine black robe, with his backpack in front.  

Notice the Ace of Spades on Kelvin's coat. Some fans think that he is subtly coming out as asexual,  Actually, it was used by British regiments in World War 1and II, and by American soldiers during the Vietnam War, symbolizing luck, victory, or death.  

But the Ace of Spades is the most powerful card in the deck, so Kelvin probably chose it to signify that he is the most powerful man in the group, the Alpha.

Uh-oh, Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man,  intercepts  them. Eli has refused to pay for the trip.  Do you see a parallel between Kelvin/Keefe and Jesse/Amber's problems?  

Kelvin bats his eyes, touches Martin's chest, and begs: "You got here too late.  We already took off. Please?"    Wait -- are you flirting with Martin?  Homoerotic hotness doesn't work on everyone, dude.

And it doesn't work: Martin lays down the law  Kelvin is forced to break the news that his father said no, thus losing even more of his authority with the God Squad musclemen.

I Know What a Tomater Is:  In the Gemstone Parking Garage, Eli finds a tomato smooshed on his windshield.  The Tan  Man (James Preston Rogers) appears and says, threateningly, "Get the message?"  

Eli pretends that he isn't sure -- maybe something to do with a broken heart?  The Tan Man growls, howls, flexes and clarifies: "you hurt my boss's feelings real bad, and he's not the kind of guy who likes to have hurt feelings."  So, what kind of guy senjoy having hurt feelings?  "He wants an apology."  

Having confronted far more formidable foes, Eli is not impressed by the Tan Man's theatrics.  He sends a message for Junior:"tell him to go fuck hisself."  

BJ's Baptism:   As people file into the Baptismal Chapel, Baby Billy from the 1993 flashback, now with white hair and a whiter grin, performs "There is a fountain filled with blood" while his new wife, the young, very pregnant Tiffany, looks on.  So Baby Billy has solved the eros/phileo problem by abandoning his family altogether.  But be careful: that baby is going to make you a Family Man.

Outside, Kelvin argues that he cleared the whole God Squad to attend the baptism!  Nope, only he and a "plus one" are on the guest list.  The God Squad guys start murmuring again. Another blow to his authority! 

Kelvin promises to feed them all -- he asks his date, Keefe, to steal some food, resulting in humorous but ridiculous bits.  Do you really want to eat a shrimp that's been transported from the hors d'oeuvres table in Keefe's mouth?  Why not just go out for hamburgers?

Baby Billy begins the service, bragging that he's on the Christian Pop Charts now, and misnaming BJ as TJ.  He must not be very close to the Gemstone family, either.   Hey, the seat next to Kelvin is empty. Why isn't he sitting with his date?  Is Keefe already raiding the caterers for the after-party?

Next Judy sings: "When a man outgrows the family of his origin, and they've no place in his life./ Cause he's different now -- he's got to show them how."  

Wow, we're really zeroing in on the eros/phileo problem. Judy favors abandoning the family, too. She was originally going to sing "Rock my Boy's Body," emphasizing the erotic nature of her relationship with BJ (it was moved to the episode finale).

People stop to ask me, "How do you please your man?"

Take it from the black sheep baby, every way I can

Sometimes it's with fire, and sometimes with ice

Just don't get it twisted, this body's gonna pay the price

Eli takes over and completes the baptism.  Judy introduces him as "BJ Christian Barnes."  

I was disappointed that they didn't actually make it to Israel. It would have been interesting to see him with Jerusalem Syndrome, where tourists surrounded by so many Biblical images come to believe that they are Jesus (but I guess he is already the Messiah of his muscle cult).  Plus Tel Aviv has the biggest and most open gay community of any city in the Middle East.  

Some Israeli guys (warning: arousal) on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Fear Street 1978: Don't go near a summer camp

 

This week's movie nights involved the Fear Street series, three movies based on the teen horror books by R. Stine. In the first, some teens discover that a witch named Sarah Fier (pronounced "fear") was killed in 1666.  Ever since she has cursed the town with regular bouts of  economic depression and marital discord.  Plus every decade or so, someone "snaps" and kills lots of people.  Except this time, all of the previous killers return and chase It-Girl Sam (and everyone who has touched her blood).  Then, just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, It-Girl Sam gets witch-possessed and starts snarling.  

In Part 2, the surviving duo seeks out a lady who who survived a "snap" attack at a summer camp in 1978.  The movie is a flashback to that day.

Two sisters are in their last year as campers: strait-laced, virginal, non-druggie, stick-in-the-mud Cindy, and rebellious rock star Ziggy.  To keep them distinct, I will call them Good Girl and Wild Child. 

For some reason the Wild Child draws the ire of the other campers -- they literally try to burn her to death.  The response: Head Camp Counselor (Ted Sutherland) blames Wild Child, and threatens to kick her out of camp! Wouldn't you want to leave anyway, with the other campers trying to kill you?

One day the camp nurse goes beserk and attacks Tommy (McCabe Slye), Cindy's good, kind, nice, gentle, "doesn't mind if we don't do it" boyfriend. She is arrested, Tommy gets first aid, and all the adults leave.  Top photo: Someone whom Google Images identifies as Mccabe Slye.  If it's actually someone else, complain to Google, not to me.

Meanwhile, Good Girl catches counselor Alice having sex and doing drugs with her boyfriend, Arnie (Sam Brooks). Nice butt.

Left: a photo entitled "Sam Brooks on Twitter: Riding in a car with (mostly straight)..."  Warning: it may not be the guy from the movie.

They all search for clues to the nurse's beserk spell, and end up in "the devil's mark," vast labyrinth of tunnels that lead from the woods to the latrine and finally to the mess hall.  Either the witch created it herself in 1666, or it was created by her death.

Suddenly Tommy goes beserk, and kills Arnie and traps the two girls, Cindy and Alice, in the labyrinth.  They spend most of the movie there, trying to find a way out, while Tommy continues his rampage, killing several of the campers (he thankfully kills kids off camera).

Future town sheriff/police chief Nick and wild child Ziggy notice the body count, and yell for everyone to gather in the mess hall, and then get on a bus and drive away.  Unfortunately, it happens to be "color night,' a late-night "capture the flag" contest, and many of the kids think that the warning is a trick.

Amid all the uproar, Nick and Ziggy have time for a heart-to-heart talk and some smooching.

Left: A photo that Ted Sutherland posted to his instagram page.

Gary (Drew Scheid) gets sliced while trying to get all the campers to safety. Left: a photo that Drew Scheid posted to his instagram page.

When Ziggy and Cindy are reunited, they figure that, since Sara Fier's hand was cut off, if they reunite it with her body, she will be satisfied and leave them alone.  But they are mistaken; she sends a lot of her previous serial killers, who stab both girls multiple times.  

They both die, but Ziggy miraculously comes back to life when Nick administers CPR (who knew that CPR worked on stab wounds?).  But ever since, she has been afraid of the witch sending her serial killers to finish the job.  She is especially concerned with the hour of 7:00 pm, for some unexplained reason.

Beefcake: Some boys' chests and butts.  Boys die right away or are background slasher fodder, while girls take center stage.

Left: a photo from Michael Provost's instagram.  He plays Kurt, whom I don't remember.

Gay Characters: No.  Deena and Sam from the first movie are lesbians, but in 1978, it's boyfriends and girlfriends all the way down.

Changing the Rules:  First the killers ignore everyone but the target girl, and then they don't.  First the witch is upset over her grave being disturbed, then she's upset because her hand and body are separated, and then she's just upset.

Spoiler Alert: C. Berman is Ziggy, not Cindy!  I have no idea why they went through all the trouble of this psych-out.  Who cares?

My Grade: B.  Extra points for Sam Brook's butt.

See also: The Top 10 Hunks of Fear Street

Michael O'Hearn: bodybuilder, barbarian, nude model, backside annihilator.

 

Michael O'Hearn (no connection to Brock O'Hurn) played the bodybuilder who harassed Adam Devine on Workaholics.  Recently he had a gym date with Tony Cavalero: "After an intense couple of weeks of flirting online, we went at it at the gym like true barbarians."

Link to NSFW version  

He specifies: "Tony brings the business in the front and the party in the back, and I don't just mean the hair."  Funny, I always thought Tony was more into oral. But when you have Michael O'Hearn behind you, who's going to say no?

Tony returns the compliment: "Honored to have you annihilate my back!  Such a blast bustin' some smut with you."  How many ways can you make a gym workout sound like sex?

You might not  want to see Mike's first star vehicle, Barbarian (2003): ?An ancient land suffocates in the shadow of evil. A dark lord rules unopposed. One warrior will become legend. He is the Barbarian... the last great warrior king."  Did anyone actually write a script, or did they watch a 1980s sword-and-sorcery movie and say "Here -- act this out."

The Keeper of Time 2004) is more of the same, with characters named Bullrock, Anu, Udo...and Daniel? 

Then Mike moved into comedy, with roles on Workaholics, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lab Rats, Mighty Meds, and Epic Rap Battles of History.  Plus he performed on two seasons of American Gladiators, the beefcake game show, as Thor and Titan.

But his main career is in bodybuilding and modeling. 4 time Mr. Universe, 7 time Fitness Nake Model of the Year, 470 magazine covers.  Plus the cover model for Topaz romance novels.

More Mike, including his..um...size, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Green Acres: Gay Siblings on 1960s TV

One of the hayseed comedies of the 1960s, Green Acres (1965-71) was nearly as bereft of beefcake and bonding as Petticoat Junction.  It was a fish-out-of-water sitcom about a big city lawyer, Oliver Douglas (Eddie Arnold, center), who had a naively romantic view of rural life --  and so moved with his Hungarian heiress wife Lisa (Eva Gabor) to Hooterville.

Little did he know!  Although it was set in the same town as Petticoat Junction, with some of the same characters, Green Acres was played for surreal, absurdist humor.  Most of the townspeople were manipulative and greedy, but even those who were well-meaning looked askance at the pretensions of this blustering city feller and his pleasant but incompetent wife.

Little beefcake or bonding.  Oliver took his shirt off in one episode (not this photo), but he was too grandfatherly to be a fantasy boyfriend.

There was a long list of male characters: Mr. Drucker, who ran the general store; Mr. Haney, the local con artist entrepreneur; Hank Kimball, county agricultural agent; Eb, the lanky farm hand.  But none of them were particularly attractive; they were played as goofballs, not as heartthrobs. And there was nary a tender glance between them.

It's even hard to find a gay connection in their other roles.  The male actors were mostly from rural areas, and married to women for fifty years.  Tom Lester (Eb) is a Baptist minister, which leads me to conclude (perhaps unfairly) that he is homophobic.  Eva Gabor dated Merv Griffith, who was gay.

But all of that pales before a unique queer image: the Monroe Brothers, incompetent carpenters who were forever working on Oliver's house, consisted of Alf (Sid Melton) and Ralph (Mary Grace Canfield).  A woman with a man's name, who wears men's clothing and takes on a stereotypically male occupation: Ralph was coded as lesbian in spite of her long-term courtship of Hank Kimball.

Born in 1924, Mary Grace Canfield is an accomplished comic actress with roles as diverse as Mrs. Grundy in a tv adaption of Archie Comics, Gladys Kravitz's sister Harriet on Bewitched, and Goody Cloyse in Young Goodman Brown.  She has never married.

Alf, who never expressed any heterosexual interest, was played by Sid Melton.  The diminuitive, wise-cracking actor married only briefly, in the 1940s, and his huge number of tv and movie credits include several gay-subtext vehicles, such as Knock on Any Door (1949), about attorney Andrew Morton (Humphrey Bogart) in love with dashing young Nick Romano (John Derek).  He also played Sophia's dearly departed husband Sal on The Golden Girls

Nude photos of Bobby and Jake Cannavale: father and son, not in prison or the Mafia, but sometimes gay

  

Link to the nudity

In the prison drama Oz, lawyer Tobias Beecher (Lee Tergesen) is sentenced to prison for a drunk driving.  He starts a romantic/sadistic relationship with the violent Chris Keller (Bobby Cannavale).  It's a homophobic portrayal, tawdry and sinister, juxtaposed with the bright, shiny innocent image of Tobias going on a picnic with his wife.  After he is released, Tobias wants to visit Keller, but Keller refuses: go back to your normal heterosexual life, and forget about the nasty stuff you did here.

Wait -- according to the Oz wiki, Keller is played by Christopher Meloni, not Bobby Cannavale

Ok, let's try again.  On The Sopranos, Mafia boss Jackie Aprile tries to get his son Jackie Aprile, Jr. (Bobby Cannavale) interested in the family business, but the boy would rather go to college.  He gradually drifts into crime with his gay-subtext buddy Dino, and...wait -- according to the Sopranos wiki, Jackie Jr. is played by Jason Cerbone, not Bobby Cannavale. 

So who the heck is Bobby Cannavale?

He has 124 acting credits on the IMDB, including regular roles on Nurse Jackie, Boardwalk Empire, Vinyl, Will and Grace, Angie Tribeca, Mr. Robot, Homecoming, Nine Perfect Strangers. and The Watcher. 

I've only seen him as Will's boyfriend on Will and Grace.  But apparently I mistook a lot of other actors for him.  I was going to write about his many gay characters, but I'm not familiar with any but Will's boyfriend.  Let's just skip to the dicks.

In Boardwalk Empire (2010), Bobby plays Gyp Rossetti, a Sicilian gangster who gets naked while killing a woman. 
He shows his butt in Win Win, a "sports comedy"

In Bupkis, a comedy series about the life of Pete Davidson, Bobby shows what is probably a prosthetic.

Bobby's son Jake has 16 acting credits on the IMDB, including a recurring role on Nurse Jackie.  He has been cast as gay ball player Aaron Hernandez in the upcoming American Sports Story.  

The Bobby and Jake frontal and rear pics are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also:

Johnnie Gordon: Black Mafia, Wicked Lips, Terror Lake, and Chick Fil-A.  With bonus black guy and Mafia dicks

Kelton's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 1: chanting, wrestling, growing a beard, and going blond.  With a James Dumont bonus

Kelton's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 2: James Dean, Orson Welles, and Bam-Bam Rubble.  Plus more Daddy James

Gemstones Episode 2.3 Review, Continued: the darkness of roller coasters, club-bulges, hookups, and apples. With nude musclement.

  

   This is a continuation of Episode 2.3: Kelvin topples, Keefe cuddles, and Titus is caged.  With bonus s* loads

We're not finished with Kelvin's descent into the Darkness, but first an interlude with Eli answers some questions about his past.  

Link to the NSFW version

Eli's Past: Gideon is clearing out stuff, in preparation for moving into Roy Gemstone's old house on the estate, when he comes across a suitcase full of Eli's wrestling memorabilia.  Plus some newspaper articles about Glendon Marsh, Junior's father, who gave Eli a job as a loan enforcer. He had a whole crime syndicate; he ordered the murders of some police officers who were snooping around -- like Thaniel Block!  So maybe Eli didn't just break thumbs -- maybe he and Junior were  full-fledged hit men!

Jesse concludes that Eli brought Junior to town to kill Thaniel!  He rushes to tell Judy.  

While they are talking, Judy's husband BJ comes in with even more evidence: He was out rollerblading in the amusement park on the estate, and came across Eli riding the rollercoaster by himself, over and over.  (wait -- don't you need someone to turn it and off for you?).

"Funny -- Daddy always hated that rollercoaster," Judy muses.  Maybe he's using it to work himself into a murderous frenzy, so he can kill more people!

The Amusement Park: Jesse and Judy go to the park to investigate. Suddenly Kelvin appears, having tracked them down (or BJ told him where they were)

Notice that he's trying to dilute the raw homoerotic power of his usual outfits.  He still wears a power-inducing lion t-shirt and a club-bulge (or is that his real package?), but he's hiding it with a granny sweater and a cap.  

And what's with the wedding ring?  It's been a few days since the dressing room scene. Did he and Keefe solve the "buddies or boyfriends" dilemma by getting married?

Kelvin pocketed Eli's cell phone after "grow up" speech, so they can search it for clues.  After a bit where they try to think of the passcode -- it's Eli's birthday, but when is his birthday? --they find a text to Martin from the night of the murders: "Went out with Junior. Things went sideways. Need your help here."  Then "Thanks for cleaning up my mess." Uh-oh. proof positive!

A Symbolic Castration: The siblings confront Eli, who tells them what really happened on the night of the murders: he and Junior go bowling. Four ladies sitting beneath a "Hot Snacks" sign spread their legs,  Junior picks the one with the biggest breasts, and Eli picks the Asian.  She takes him back to her place and purrs, growls, smooches at him, takes off things -- why did she go bowling dressed in an evening gown that looks like it should be worn to the Academy Awards?

Eli is enthusiastic about hooking up, but for some reason he decides to go to the bathroom and shave off his pubic hair first. Dude, a lady is waiting with her legs spread.  Isn't that, like, a heterosexual mating signal?   He accidentally cuts himself on the testicle, starts bleeding, and calls Martin to help.  So, are you going to see her again?

In the Medieval Arthurian epics written by Chrétien de Troyes and others; the Fisher King suffers from a wound in his groin or hip, symbols for his genitals, often as punishment for sexual infidelity.  As a result, he is impotent, and his land is infertile.  Here Eli suffers from a symbolic castration, maybe as punishment for "two-timing" Aimee-Leigh: in this universe, true love lasts forever, even behind the grave, and betraying that love is worse than murder: "Why couldn't you have just killed someone?" Kelvin yells.  

The siblings stomp out.

More after the break

"Modern Family" Episode 5.13: Jay acts girly, Mitch and Cam butt in, and Phil wants to kiss a dude.

 

I've been so busy checking Modern Family for homophobic subtexts with Adam Devine that I missed two homophobic scenes in Episode 5.13, "Three Dinners": 

Modern Family has a very large cast: closet-making tycoon Jay Pritchett; his new wife Gloria and her son;  daughter Claire and her husband and three children; and son Mitchell and his partner, eventually husband.  Episodes usually ssend smaller groups out on separate adventures, so I'll cover the three dinners separately.

Link to NSFW site

Dinner 1: Jay and Gloria are dining with their close friends, Shorty (Chazz Palminteri, who has appeared in four previous episodes) and his wife.  They've been taking Spanish classes, because they're moving to Costa Rica!    They expect Jay and Gloria to be happy for them, but Jay immediately becomes critical: "You hate humidity! They have mosquitos the size of your fist!"

Cut to Shorty and Jay playing pool, Jay still complaining about the move: "It's a terrible idea.  You get into things without thinking, and then you need me to come and rescue you!" They argue about a lot of things from their never-mentioned-before shared history, and finally break up.

Gloria and her son Manny advise Jay that he always pushes his friends away, so when they leave him, it doesn't hurt as much. Aww, you don't want to open yourself up to love.  Wait, what about Gloria?  

"You're the greatest generation," Manny says, "But you can't feel."

Jay lashes out with a facetious accusation that Manny and Gloria are lovers, an incest joke playing into the homophobic slur that all gay men are in love with their mothers.  He keeps playing on it until the viewers are cringing: "Why don't you two go cuddle!"

Later, we see Jake sitting in the kitchen, getting drunk and thinking about how much Shorty means to him.  Finally he decides to drive over and apologize -- dude, you're drunk -- but Shorty beats him to it.  They hug and cry.  Gloria, eavesdropping, snits: "This is a little girlier than I thought."  Wait, first you criticize him for not displaying emotion, and now you criticize him for displaying emotion.  Make up your mind, lady!

More dinners after the break

"Down Low": Netflix bait-and-switch movie about a gay hookup that goes dark. With bonus Lukas Gage and Simon Rex

  

Down Low, on Netflix (2023). "An overeager massage therapist guides a client with repression through his first queer encounter, but their hookup has a less-than-happy ending." 

Link to NSFW version

A downlow guy lives as a "family man" who has achieved the entire heterosexual trajectory of house, job, wife, and kids, but has sex with men secretly.  Unless "donw low" means something else here.

So the family man tells the masseuse that he likes guys, so she hooks him up, and things go south?  Sounds interesting.  But before I jump in, I always conduct some research, to avoid nasty surprises.

WTF?  This plot synopsis on wikipedia sounds like a completely different movie!  There are like a dozen nasty surprises, any one of which would have me "noping" out of there.  

Zachary Quinto stars as "family man" Gary.  I've seen Zachary Quinto in Star Trek, American Horror Story, and The Boys in the Band. Something about his smug, weasly expression grates on my nerves.  Nope #1

He's not on the downlow at all.  He is dying of a brain tumor. Nope #2: no movies about people who are dying of incurable diseases.  Why would anyone ever want to see a movie like that?  How could anyone stand to act in it?  Or write the script?

When he discovers that he is dying, Gary decides to come out, whereupon his wife dumps him.  Not a nope, but really homophobic of the lady to dump him just because he's gay.

The massage therapist is actually a hustler, Cameron (Lukas Gage).  Maybe they do massage too.  This promotional still makes him look like a trans woman, but in the synopsis, the character is always described with he/him pronouns.  Maybe it's a misdirection, so viewers will think that Gary is hooking up with a lady.    

The Hustler uses a dating app to find Gary a hookup  (Sebastian Arroyo).  Wait -- why not just have sex with him yourself?  That's what you're being paid for.

Unfortunately, the hookup does not find Gary attractive enough to screw.  Everyone argues, and he is accidentally killed Nope #3: the abrupt death of a major character. 

Gary and the Hustler hire a Necrophiliac (Simon Rex) to have sex with and then dispose of the Corpse. Nope #4: it's never really come up before, but necrophilia is a big nope.

Due to plot complications, the Necrophiliac can't do his job until the next day, so they spend the night mopping up the blood and smoking crack.  Nope #5: amoral major characters aren't a major "nope," but if I'm already annoyed from watching Zachary Quinto... 

By that time, the Corpse has come back to life and is trying to get away.  The necrophiliac kills him again, and then Gary and the Hustler kill the Necrophiliac.  Nopes #6-7: too many people killing each other too eagerly.  This is definitely not a comedy.

Then they have sex with each other.  You could have just done that at the start, and avoided the multiple murders.  

Later, after Gary dies, the Hustler shows up at his funeral, yells at the ex-wife and the church that abandoned him when he came out, and steals the body.  He dumps it in the lake, which he thinks is a better memorial. Nope #8: portraying gay people as perpetual outsiders, rejected by church and family.  Not really a nope, but way homophobic.

Moral: Always read more than one plot synopsis or watch more than one trailer.  They often make completely contradictory claims.  Remember when Road to Terabinthia was advertised as a fantasy like Harry Potter or The Chronicles of Narnia?  It's about a girl who is dying.

Down Low is not about a guy in the downlow.  It's about a guy who is dying and kills people.

Dick, butt, and bulge shots on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

10 Things You Should Know About Scottish Kilts

1. The kilt was not part of ancient Scottish Highland dress; it developed during the 16th century from an earlier cloak worn over one's tunic.

2. Kilts have no pockets.  You put your personal items in the sporran, a pouch that hangs down in front.  The sporran also serves to symbolize your sex organs.

3. Scottish soldiers would remove their kilts and charge wearing only their shirts. This tactic was meant to shock the enemy.

4. In 1746, King George II outlawed "Scottish dress," fearing that it would lead to insurrection.  The penalty was six months in prison.  The ban was lifted in 1782.

5. Today many men wear kilts to demonstrate Celtic pride, whether or not they are Scottish.

6. And rainbow kilts for gay pride festivals.

7. The kilt is becoming increasingly popular as everyday wear in Scotland.

8.  Many movies and tv shows have depicted men trying to peek under Scotsmen's kilts to see if they wear anything underneath.

A man trying to get a glimpse of another man's penis makes for quite a homoerotic spectacle.

9. In fact, the kilt was designed to be worn without underwear.  Most men still don't wear anything underneath.

10. You can buy "Official Kilt Inspector" t-shirts at the tourist shops in Scotland. I wouldn't recommend it.

"Join Kelvin's God Squad": Recruitment video gives us the dirt on the muscle cult, a lot of muscles, and a d*k or two

   

In The Righteous Gemstones Season 2, Kelvin starts a God Squad, musclemen who perform strength-stunts "to serve the Lord."  But their goals are far more complex: they want to establish a new society based on homoerotic desire, a cult of the penis that excludes not only "females," but emotional connections, romantic love, and family. The plan starts to go wrong almost immediately, due both to Kelvin's tyrannical leadership style and the difficulty of excluding romantic partnerships from the new world.  

 In universe, he posted a recruitment video, "Join Kelvin's God Squad."  How clearly does it reveal the true purpose of the Squad?.

Go to NSFW version

Shot 1: As Torsten (Brock O'Hurn) meditates, Kelvin asks "Are you looking for salvation?" 

 

Flexing, he continues: "Salvation is 10% inspiration, 90% perspiration."  This contradicts the evangelical doctrine that salvation (from the wages of sin) is a gift; you don't have to work for it. But apparently here we're looking for salvation from something else.

Scene 2: A wide shot of the God Squad camp, followed by a close up of Cody's chest.  

Kelvin:   "I'm Kelvin Gemstone, and I'd like to share my love of Jesus Christ, and Jesus' love of a beautiful body." Beautiful, not strong. Objects of desire, not admiration.

Scene 3: The men work out with wooden barbells.  One says: "I want to be a warrior for the Lord." Keefe: "You might be a perfect candidate for the God Squad."

Scene 4: The men climb a wooden ladder and sniff fresh vegetables. Kelvin: "Nature is the Lord's gym."  Kelvin has a huge house, easily big enough for twelve men, but he wants to emphasize that he is the leader, structurally "above them."  Plus nature represents the pre-Fall Eden, before Adam succumbed to the temptations of "the female."  

 Shot 5: Two guys grin at each other. Keefe: "We will welcome you into our workouts as if we were friends."  Not a lot of friendships are forged in the God Squad camp.  There is no pairing-off.  The guys are atomized, each competing with the others.

Shot 6: Titus does chin-ups.  Kelvin: "Use your body to get closer to the Lord."   Because he's rising toward heaven. get it?

Shot 7: Keefe: "You will also learn to accept the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ into your heart, and what happens when you accept him, Jericho?  Do the tit thing."

Jericho flexes his nipples. Big deal -- any man with a moderate physique can do that.  But apparently we need to know about Kelvin's interest in men's chests.

More muscles, and a dick or two,, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

"When We First Met": Adam Devine competes with Robbie Amell, with time travel and bulges

 

I've reviewed a lot of Adam Devine's work, looking for gay subtexts, and he does not disappoint: nearly every movie, even romcoms where he gets the girl, is loaded with homoerotic interest.  

So I'm anxious to review When We First Met (2018).   Check out the poster (below): it looks like Adam is trying to keep the Girl and his rival from kissing, but you can also read it as Adam trying to decide between his rival and the Girl.

Scene 1: November 1, 2017. Beautiful establishing shots of New Orleans (except no French Quarter).  A fancy party.  Noah (Adam Devine) is gazing at Avery (a woman), who is gushing over the fact three years ago today, she met "someone special."  Aww, are they engaged? 

Flashback to October 31, 2014. Wait, she said exactly three years ago.  This is three years and a day. A Halloween party.  Amid all the guests in sexy costumes, we see Noah dressed as super-nerd Garth from Wayne's World.  That's no way to pick up chicks.

He passes Tony Cavalero dressed as Angus Young of AC-DC, then has a spilled-drink meet-cute with Avery, and guesses that she is dressed as Tom Hanks.  Even I know that's a bad move, and I haven't tried to pick up a girl since...well, ever.

She guesses that Noah is her lesbian cousin, then changes to Garth.  Yep: "The key to doing a good Garth impression is to make your  mouth into a tiny butthole." Dude, watching you flub like this is almost painful.  At least he takes the Garth-wig and glasses off so she can see his intense gorgeousness.  Maybe that will counteract his faux-pas.

Scene 2: Yep: as they watch the male-female couples making out, she asks "Do you want to get out of here?"  Translation: "You're a goofball, but incredibly hot. Let's have sex."  But first  he takes her to the jazz club where he works.  He plays the piano,  makes funny faces,  and sings  "You Make Me Wanna Shout."  Not going to get you laid, dude.  They get their picture taken in a mysterious photo booth. 

Back to her place, but instead of getting sexy, Noah wants to play foosball and eat Cookie Crisp cereal.  Dude, why do you keep stalling? This is the way gay guys act with their female friends.  Eventually he moves in for a kiss.

Back to 2017: Avery tells the crowd, "And that's when I realized that I was in love."  Wait -- she's engaged to Ethan (Robbie Amell).  She must have met him on November 1st, the morning after her hookup with Noah (who is smiling to put a brave front on his broken heart).  So he's been in the friend zone for three years, while Avery was with another guy?  Shouldn't he have given up and moved on long ago? 

He drinks a lot and throws up.  Avery and Ethan go into the bathroom to see what's wrong.  He claims food poisoning, while looking at Avery with a lovelorn expression that anyone would notice instantly.  Ethan gives him some crackers and mineral water -- he really cares about the guy -- then kisses Avery, which makes Noah even sicker.  She asks her plain-jane roommate to give him a ride home.

Scene 3: Instead of home, Noah asks Plain-Jane Roommate to take him to his jazz-club workplace, where we meet his Best Bud (King Bach) (identified as absurdly hetero-horny from his first line). He explains what happened back on October 31st, 2014: he moved in for a kiss, but Avery gave him a hug instead, saying how nice it was to have a guy friend: "I left never knowing where I went wrong."  Got an hour or so?  I have a list.

 He figured he'd get a second chance, but the very next day, "fate kicked me in the ball sack." Avery was shopping for Cookie Crisp cereal, when Ethan appeared in her aisle, a shirtless winged centaur!  Whoa -- if I had to choose between them, it'd be Robbie every time!  Sure, Adam is one of the most handsome men on the planet, and he has a spectacular cock, but in between, Robbie Amell's got the goods.    

Darn, I was so busy commenting on the first two scenes that I'm out of space, and we haven't even gotten to the time-travel plot.  Noah returns to the photo booth, which sends him back to October 31st, 2014 for a day.  He tries different strategies knowing everything about Avery; being nice; being a jerk; being career-driven.  Either things go terribly wrong, or else he gets Avery and everyone is miserable when he returns to 2017.  Guess who he ends up with, Avery, Ethan, the plain-jane roommate, or the best bud?

Beefcake:  All three of the male stars shirtless, plus Adam's bulge when he's wearing leather pants.

Gay Characters: None, not even in crowd scenes.  Two references: Avery mentions her lesbian cousin, and Noah asks if she is at the Halloween party as a "tranny" (when he's being a jerk).

Gay Subtext:  Occasionally guys will be told "get a room!" when they look too chummy.

When Best Budy is showing Noah how to look sexy, Cavalero gives him a double-take.  A blink-and-you-miss-it moment, and very, very subtle, but as gay as it gets. 

My Grade: Ordinarily I would mark points off for the lack of LGBT representation or subtexts, but Adam is just too much fun to watch.  Not only because of his hotness -- he carries every scene, and he's friggin' hilarious.  I can't recall when I've laughed so much in a hetero romcom. B+

There are some bonus picsk of Robbie Amell's bulge and butt on the NSFW version of this review.

"There's a guy in Arkansas": Eight hot/hung Arkansans playing chess, throwing an axe, and letting it all hang out

 

I've only been to Arkansas twice.  Once to a conference in Jonesboro.

Go directly to the nekkid dudes

Chess tournament at Arkansas State University, Jonesboro.

And again to visit Eureka Springs, the gay capital of the state

Eureka Springs outdoors

Jonesboro axe thrower with girlfriend (sorry)

More Arkansans after the break

"Why Him?": Adam Devine and Griffin Gluck hook up, with discussions of sexual acts and a Gluck dick

  

When I saw that Adam Devine was in the 2016 father-of-the-bride comedy Why Him (2016), I forked over the $3.95 for a rental, even though he is far down the cast list on IMDB.  

Go to the dicks

You really can't go wrong with an Adam Devine movie.   His hotness makes watching him in anything worthwhile, and he appears to have made his career from talking about  penises and jizz, usually in a homoerotic context. (But what reference to penises and jizz is not homoerotic?).  

The premise: conservative button-down printer Ned Fleming (Bryan Cranston) visits his daughter's fiance, the effervescent, unconventional tech millionaire Laird (James Franco, left), for Christmas.  The two start out hating each other, but learn to love and respect, yada yada yada.

Ned's entrepreneur son  Scotty (Griffin Gluck, right) tells him about Tyson Modell (Adam Devine), "the kid who founded Ghostchat.  He turned down billions of dollars, and he's only 24 years old."  They're going to meet up at Laird's Christmas party

Scene 1: What is bukkake? 

At the party, we see Tyson and Scotty -- neither with lady friends -- talking shop: "Totally tanked porting the thin-client apps for the JDK build.  It took me two weeks on the JDEE database..."  Scotty is more into the entrepreneurial side of things, but Tyson advises him to start coding.  The parents and a brother-sister  team join them (the brother is played by Boys in the Band star Andrew Rannells)

Ned is so confused by the tech talk that he exclaims:  "There's bukkake floating all around me."  He thinks bukkake means "overwhelmed," which technically it does: Tyson explains what it really means: it usually occurs during gay orgies.  Apparently Tyson only goes to gay orgies. .

Laird, who gave Ned the wrong definition, claims that 'I was trying to protect you, Dude.  It's a really sensitive conversation.  They're talking about guys jerking off on each other." None of Tyson's friends likes oral?

To illustrate what bukkake look like, Tyson shows everyone a video on his phone (we don't see it).  Scotty demonstrates considerable interest, but the others are disgusted.

"Is that you?" Laird asks.  

"No." But he nods  "yes" at Ned.