"Get Duked": One of the Best Movies I've Seen This Year

Get Duked, originally Boyz in the Wood (2016): "an anarchic, hip-hop inspired comedy that follows four city boys on a wilderness trek as they try to escape a mysterious huntsman."  So The Most Dangerous Game in the Scottish Highlands?

The trailer doesn't show any girls, so maybe there's some buddy bonding.  But it could just as easily depict casual homophobia.  And I HATE movies where main characters die, so I'm going about this carefully.

First I check to see if any of the boyz are gay in real life.

The boyz are:
1. Sam Bottomley, known for the Brit-kid schow Rocket's Island, as Ian.  Nothing specified.

The other three are juvenile delinquents participating in a program where bad boys are dumped in the wilderness and forced to learn survival skills.

2. Rian Gordon (below), who has been in some British soap operas, as Dean.  His instagram name is Wee Rian.  Nothing specified.

3. Lewis Gribben (third photo), who played Dylan in Deadwater Fell, as Duncan.  No beefcake photos.  His twitter feed tells us: "Did you honestly think we were gonna release get duked and that be it hell nah the boyz are back in this sick music video get watched it tomorrow to see what shit we got into."

I don't know what any of those words mean, but I don't think he's gay.

4. Viraj Juneja as aspiring hiphop artist DJ Beatroot.  He has only a few acting credits, but he had a short film, Fuddu, selected for the UK Asian Film Festival.

His instagram (fourth photo) has this film of him kissing his bicep.  A fan writes "Buff!," and he responds "Don't get any ideas, lol."

Gay-positive comedian Eddie Izzard plays the mysterious Duke who is hunting the boys.

I fast-forward to the end.  The boys are still alive.

Ok, I'll give it a shot.

Scene 1:  The three juvenile delinquents are watching an orietation video, bored, texting.  They drive to the wilderness while comic strips reveal their mischief: they burned down a school toilet (it took a lot of lighter fluid). They meet the fourth: Ian, a "sensitive and sheltered boy" who enjoys knitting and has trouble making friends/

Camera zooms in to posters of the many boys who have gone missing in this wilderness.

Scene 2: Their first task is to find their way across the wilderness to a distant campsite, without their cellphones.  The counselor says: "The whole thing is fraught with danger, and I'm amazed that they let teenagers do it, but there you go.

The boys frolick and try to get Ian to smoke hashish.  DJ tries out a rap song:
My dick's a tyrannasaurus
Balls big like a bull, 100% Taurus
Make you come so loud, you'll sound like a Greek chorus.
The biggest dick in history...girl, you'll be screaming.

Ok, he's heterosexual.  Although I do like hearing about gigantic dicks.

A mysterious man is watching them. "Vermin!" he snarls.

Scene 3: They ask directions from a friendly farmer.  Discussions of whether the term "orienteering" is racist and if the Duke of Edinburgh is real or "like Santa."

The Duke appears and starts shooting at them.  They run up a ridge and go through their stuff, looking for weapons.

Whoa!  Ian is sitting cuddling against Duncan, with his arm in Duncan's lap. Homoerotic!

Fortunately, Dean knows how to make a bomb from everday items.  He downloaded the intel from the internet.

Scene 4: Cut to the police station, where Sergeant Morag (Kate Dickie) is apprising the officers about the "suspected terrorist."  They need this bust to avoid getting shut down due to the low crime rate.

Scene 5: The boys throw their bomb at the Duke.  It doesn't work.  They try lighting the hashish and throwing it at the Duke  His trousers catch on fire, and he rushes off.

They run up a mountain, where they get cell phone reception, and Duncan calls the police: "There's a psycho pedophile with a gun chasing us!"

"You can't call him that!" Ian protests.  "You're sixteen -- it'd be fine!"

Duncan is sitting on Ian's shoulders to make the call!

Sergeant Morag adds "pedophile" to "terrorist" on the case board, and she and PC Hamish go off to catch the criminal...teenagers?

Scene 6: The boys arrive at the campsite, where their counselor, Mr. Carlisle, dismisses their story.  They notice that his leg is burnt.  He's the Duke!

They attack, and end up killing him.

Ian: "I've never seen a murder before.  I'm homeschooled."

Scene 7: They discuss what to do now.  They're lost and they just killed their counselor.

The real Duke arrvies, with his wife, the Duchess. They don't hunt for fun -- they are trying to rid Britain of the out-of-control "vermin" who are threatening the country by being boisterous. They chase the boys on horseback.

Scene 8: The police officers drive  through the Highlands.  discussing how important the case is.

Meanwhile the boys return to the farmer and yell for help, but he can't hear them.  They continue running.  Ian hurts his ankle, and the boys abandon him.  Hey, what happened to the homoerotic buddy bonding?

The officers find the makeshift bomb and concludes that it's a whole gang of pedophile-terrorists from London!

Scene 9: While Dean and Duncan hide in a cave, DJ investigates an old barn, which is full of his rap fans!  They invite him to get high on "rabbit shite."

Meanwhile, the Duke and Duchess capture Ian,  put an antlered head on him, and recite poetry about the hunt.  Dean and Duncan rush to the rescue.  DJ's new friends arrive in trucks to help.

Scene 10: Morning. The Duke and Duchess escaped.  They need to capture the Dukes to prove that they didn't murder their counselor deliberately, so they're going on the offensive

The police officers saw the debacle last night and conclude that they were zombie drug-dealer pedophile terrorists.  They start tracking the boys while the Duke and Duchess look on.

"You wankers!" the boys shout.

The police hear "Alanu akbar."  Arabic!  The drug dealing pedophile terrorists!

Scene 11: The Duke and Duchess run into an old farm house and escape through a secret passage.  They emerge at the coast, the boys in hot pursuit.

The Duke and Duchess are unrepentent: "We've given you this perfect world, and all your lot can do is turn round and say we've ruined it."  But being guaranteed a job after Uni, being able to buy a house on a working-class salary -- those things Boomers take for granted are impossible for the younger generation.  Plus environmental catastrophe.  Boomers will soon be gone, leaving the younger generation to clean up their mess.

This is getting heavy, man.

Whoops -- the Duke blew a horn earlier, and now oldsters with guns are arrivng en masse.

At least Ian and Duncan are linking arms.  Back to your homerotic buddy bonding at the moment of crisis>

The boys are surrounded.  Guns cock.

Whoa, Deus Ex Machina!  I can't explain what happened -- too complicated. But a very funny callback.

And, by the way, Mr. Carlisle turns up alive.  And pissed: "You killed me! You'v failed!"

And, by the way, Ian spends nearly the entire last scene with his arms around Duncan.

The police finally arrive and ask if they've seen 50 heroin-covered zombie pedophile terrorists.

Scene 11: The boys are getting ready to leave, when they see four girls about to set out on the wilderness test.  Uh-oh, so close, and now the hetero flirting begins!  But they just want to give the girls the sword and the gun they got from the Duke; "You'll need these."

The boys walk off.  Dean kisses Duncan.  Wait -- um...

Nobody mentions a romantic interest in anyone during the film, except in the rap song.  Nor are there any homophobic statements, except in the final song: "Mr. President, suck a dick -- this is our time."

I guess this is their time.  Being gay or straight is irrelevant.

My grade: A

Ocho Rios: Tracking Down a Jamaican Bodybuilder

Sometime during the 1990s, I was walking through the living room, and I caught the end of a music video.  It was about a frizzy-haired musician in a 1970s suit trying to sell his new song.

As he acts it out, we see him in drag, in a blond wig and a muumuu,  in a lush tropical setting, singing to a drag queen chorus

Musician:  I met a Negro in something something (four syllables). I didn't notice the inherent racism of the scenario at the time.

The drag queen chorus squeals as a massive bodybuilder walks by, thrusts out his bulge, and flexes his bicep.
Musician: I met a Negro...

Jamaican-accented bodybuilder:  I'm a Negro...

The bodybuilder then takes the drag musician rowing, where he sings:
Something something...I'll make you mine.

He lowers his swimsuit, and her eyes widen, shocked at his enormous penis.

That's all I remember: no title, no names of performers, not even the full video.  But it kept getting stuck in my head, inappropriate term and all.

I would be at the supermarket, or on the bus, and suddenly catch myself singing I met a Negro in something something.  I got quite a few stares!

Recently I decided to use my internet sleuthing skills to track down the music video, and the Jamaican-accented bodybuilder.  All I had was: 1990s, frizzy hair, Jamaica, drag, and the term "Negro."

Dozens of keywords searches on Google and Bing turned up nothing.

Wait -- this musician was obviously gay and from the 1970s.

"Gay composer" and "1970s"eventually  led me to Paul Jabara (1948-1992), who composed such disco hits as "It's Raining Men" for the Weather Girls, my favorite song of all time, and "Last Dance" for Donna Summer (which won the Academy Award for  Best Song in 1978).

There was a song called "Ocho Rios" in his discography.  No lyrics online.  But the right number of syllables, and Ocho Rios is the name of a town in Jamaica!  Could it be the source of my elusive music video?

Digging deeper, I found an article about a "pop operetta" De La Noche: The True Story," which Jabarra tried to get produced in 1985.  It was about a "lady of the evening" who finds true love with a 7'2", 300 lb  Jamaican bodybuilder!  Their union results in female octuplets, who are stolen and sold on the black market.  She searches for 21 years, and finally finds them, performing as a musical group, the De La Noche Sisters.

Sounds silly; no wonder Jabara couldn't get the funding to make a stage musical.

"Ocho Rios" is a track on the album, also released as a single.  It didn't get much airtime, as the term "Negro" was deemed offensively racist.  So Jabara produced a music video about his troubles, and got it played on MTV.  A least once.

I finally found a synopsis: turns out that there were no drag queens, just bizarrely over-made up women. The lady in the muumuu was Pat Ast, formerly a member of Andy Warhol's Factory.  And "The Negro" was voiced by Paul Jabara himself, feigning a basso-profundo Jamaican accent.

But who modeled the Jamaican bodybuilder?

More searching revealed that in 1973, Paul Jabara wrote and produced a musical, Rachel Lily Rosenbloom (And Don't You Ever Forget It), which folded after only a few performances.  Perhaps it was an early version of De La Noche: there was a song entitled "Oh, Ocho Rios," and a cast member named "That Negro."

Played by Andre de Shields, who would become a renowned stage actor, with credits including Hair, The Full Monte, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Ain't Misbehavin'.  

Obviously not the same person as the Jamaican bodybuilder, whose identity remains a mystery.

But at least it's not an ear worm anymore.

You can see the music video on youtube.

See also: Subtext Songs of the 1980s.

The Jacoby Boys

There were three Jacoby boys in Hollywood during the Boomer generation, half-brothers (plus their two sisters).

1.  Scott (born in 1956) was the serious actor, specializing in weird, quirky movies, such as Bad Ronald (1974), in which a boy hides in the crawlspaces of his house after his mother dies and terrorizes the new family that moves in (including the hunky Ted Eccles), or The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane (1976), in which a handicapped boy befriends a girl (Jodie Foster) who lives all by herself after her father's death.

He played a teenager who discovers that his father is gay in That Certain Summer (1973).  Hal Holbrook played his father, and Martin Sheen his father's lover.

In spite of the quirkiness, there was plenty of room for shirtless and underwear shots.

His characters were always heterosexual, but the "quirky romance" still had queer resonances that appealed to gay teens.

Scott  still acts occasionally, and he owns a recording studio in Hollywood.

2. Billy born in 1969, was the hunk.  After a few horror films, he played girl-crazy teenagers who don't seem to own shirts in Just One of the Guys (1985) and Party Camp (1987).  His characters were heterosexual, too, but -- odd for 1980s teen movies -- not homophobic.

He also played Blanche's grandson on The Golden Girls.

Billy was probably best known for his role as wannabe thug Mikey, who wore a leather jacket and skin-tight jeans on the tv series Parker Lewis Can't Lose (1990-1993).



Today, as Billy Jayne, he is well-known in the business as a commercial director.  

3. The baby of the family, Bobby (born in 1973), was the wise-guy.  He started out in tear-jerker movies of the week, then moved into thrillers like Tremors (1990) and Night of the Demons 2 (1994).  He was also busy in television, starring on Knots Landing (1980-85) and, as a young adult, on MTV's Undressed (2000-2001).  Not a lot of beefcake shots, except on Undressed, which apparently existed solely to film attractive young people in their underwear.

Today, as Robert Jayne, he works as a professional gambler, specializing in black jack.

"Britannia" Naked Celts and Romans Form Alliances and Have Hidden Agendas

I have seen the first three episodes of Britannia (2017-):

In 56 BC, Julius Caesar set out to invade Britain, but turned around and ran away when he found the island full of ghosts, demons, and monsters.  In 43 AD, Emperor Claudius tries again, sending the driven, "I don't believe in ghosts" career soldier Aulus Platius (David Morrissey) and 20,000 troops.

He doesn't find any monsters, but he finds the Druids, chthonic beings living amid towers of skulls,  who know how to bend minds and send you on journeys to the undeworld.  They kidnap soldier Antonius (Aaron Pierre), brainwash him, and send him back to camp with a message of doom.  The Romans execute him, but that makes no difference; they send him back with a new message, inviting Aulus on a tour of the underworld to see how futile the Roman cause is.

The Outcast (Nikolaj Lie Kaas), ejected from the Druids when he became possessed by the god Pwka (the origin of Shakespeare's Puck), believes that he is the only one who can stop the Roman invasion. We are not sure if he actually has the power, or if he's just crazy, but he provides comic relief in what is often a grim story.

The Romans must contend with two warring Celtic tribes.

More after the break

The Canti, led by King Pellenor (no connection to the Pellenor who chases the Questing Beast in the Arthurian Mythos}, whose children are struggling for control:
1. Kerra, who had a  Roman grandfather, and tries to negotiate with the Romans.
2. Phelan, married to
3. Amena, who is also married to
4. Gaulish prince Lindon (Stanley Weber) on the Druids' order.

The Regni, led by Queen Antedia, who hates the Cantii after an alliance went wrong.  The Druids ordered her to marry her son Gildas (Joe Armstrong) to Kerra, daughter of the Cantii king, but in their wedding bed Kerra castrated him.

There are several other subplots running around, involving Cait, a refugee from a destroyed Cantii village; Ania, a captured Regni who claims to be a goddess who needs impregnation from Phelan; and Brutus and Philo,, Roman deserters who the Outcast uses for his own ends.

It gets very soap-opera-like, difficult to distinguish between the characters and figure out who is on which side.  Does every Celtic woman have to have a name beginning with A?

Beefcake:  Constant. The Romans tend to have bodybuilder physiques.  The Celts are more scrawny and scraggly, with tattoos everywere.

Other Sights:  It's all forest all the time.

Gore:  Lots.  You get to see people being blinded, flayed alive, buried alive, burned, crucified.  Celts and Romans compete to see who can be the most bloody disgusting.

Gay Characters:  Nothing specified. The Outcast has Brutus and Philo hold hands, but that may be just a requirement for a spell.  The way the head druid grabs at his spirit-journey and mind-control subjects, touches their faces, and straddles them may suggest some homoertic intent, but I think it's just supposed to be creepy.

Heterosexism:  The Romans don't do a lot of male-female canoodling, but the Celts are grabbing on each other all the time.  They don't seem to have the concept of marital fidelity.

Is It Worth The Trip?  The  Druids are interesting, but there are so many characters with so little development that one has a hard time paying attention to the alliances, betrayals, hidden agendas, and miscellaneous schtupping.

Besides, I can't spell Brittannia...um...Britania...um...Britainnia...um

Anyway: spoiler alert: the Romans win.  They control the island for the next 400 years.