Why I Walked Out on Spiderman

I was asked if I ever see a movie that doesn't have gay characters or a gay subtext.

Not often. If it's of historical importance, or if the premise is intriguing, maybe.

For instance, let's look at the top grossing films of 2002 that I didn't see.

1. My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Who wants to see a movie about heterosexuals getting married?

2. Austin Powers in Gold Member. It stars the homophobic Seth Green.

3. Men in Black 2.  It stars the homophobic Will Smith.

4. Die Another Day. Trailer showed Pierce Brosnan kissing women.  Yes, we know heterosexuals exist.  Do they have to rub it in our face?

5. The Bourne Identity.  Trailer showed man (Matt Damon, left) hooking up with woman.  Does every movie trailer have to scream "gay people do not exist!"

6. Maid in Manhattan. Ralph Fiennes in love with a woman. Natch.

7. Red Dragon. Sequel to the homophobic Silence of the Lambs.

8. The Time Machine. I knew the original was heterosexist.

9. 40 Days and 40 Nights.  Hetero-romantic comedy starring Josh Hartnett (left)

10. Cabin Fever.  Starred Rider Strong of Boy Meets World, but I heard that there was a joke about killing gay people.

11. Tuck Everlasting. Hetero-romance starring the homophobic  Jonathan Jackson.

12. Boat Trip.  Homophobic.

And the ones I saw (not always in 2002; sometimes on DVD or Netflix later).

1. Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Sam and Frodo subtext.

2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Harry and Ron subtext.

3. Chicago. Strong lesbian subtext.

4. Sweet Home Alabama. Gay character.

5. Spy Kids 2.  Children's movie starring Daryl Sabara (left, later photo), who doesn't express any hetero-horniness.

6. Big Fat Liar. Children's movie starring Frankie Muniz of Malcolm in the Middle, who befriends a girl but doesn't fall in love with her.

7. Orange County. Gay characters.

8. Clockstoppers.  A boy (Jesse Bradford) and a girl stop time, but don't fall in love.

9. The Mothman Prophecies.  Richard Gere investigates the West Virginia monster, and tries to reunite with his dead wife.  Ok, he is obsessed with the wife, but I'm nto the paranormal.

11. Far From Heaven.  Gay married man in the 1950s.

12. The Importance of Being Earnest. Oscar Wilde!

Looks like one movie in every six lacks gay content.

But wait -- I started more, but turned off the DVD on two of them.

1. 28 Days Later.  Cilian Murphy wakes up in the zombie apocalypse, and hooks up with two survivors, a man and a woman. I'm all set for a nice triangulation, when all of a sudden the man dies.

Of course the man had to die.  We had to have a man and a woman left to prove that only heterosexual desire exists, that only heterosexuals exist, to erase gay people from the universe.  I popped the DVD out of the player and threw it in the trash.

2. Igby Goes Down.  The title made it seem obviously gay-themed, and I heard the star, Kieran Culkin (left), was gay.

It wasn't gay-themed.  There were no gay characters.  Instead, there was an amazingly homophobic portrayal of a bi drug dealer.  I turned off

And one I started watching in the theater, but walked out after the first line:

Spider-Man.  I was all set to see Tobey Maguire's muscles (top photo).  But the first line is a voice over stating: "Like all stories, this story is about [a boy and] a girl."  All good stories?  

Heterosexist much?  Way to erase action adventure, comedy, science fiction, and horror stories!   All that is just filler!  The only movie plot is about boys and girls gazing into each other's eyes.   Nothing matters in life but that fade-out boy-girl kiss. Gay people do not exist.  Same-sex friendships do not exist.  My feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my life does not exist.

Who on Earth thought that this incredibly offensive statement was a good way to begin a movie?

I stomped out of that theater pronto, and I've never seen any of uber-jerk Tobey Maguire's other heterosexist dreck

See also: The most homophobic movie ever made