Ten Hunks from "Resident Evil: Apocalypse."

As part of our "coronavirus staying home film festival," we're watching a lot of zombie movies, and Bob the purist insisted that we watch the sequel to 2002's Resident Evil: Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004).

Have mercy!  If there ever was a movie made with the absolute certainty that no one would be in the audience except for 15-year old straight boys!

Remember Hot Girl, who stormed half-naked into the underground research facility to try to get the antidote to the mutating virus that was zombifying everyone?  She failed, so now everyone in Raccoon City (giggle)is mutating into zombies.

1. Evil Corporation representative Timothy Cain (Thomas Kretschman) is trying to evacuate VIPs, especially  "Not without my doh-tah" Dr. Ashford, who invented the virus in the first place.

Meanwhile the local police are having trouble dealing with the zombified citizens.  Crack shot Boobs stops by to shoot zombies and suggest evaucating the city.

Literally: you see her boobs floating down the hallway, then her legs, and finally her face. And in every future shot, she will be boobs first, legs second, face third.

2. Boobs leads everyone to the only bridge out of town, where she runs into her former partner Peyton (Razaaq Adolfi).

He's one of these guys.  He's always being upstaged by close-ups of Boobs' boobs, so I can't be sure which.

3. Peyton, Boobs, and half-naked Reporter take refuge in a weird church with no religious symbols of any kind except candles, which are all lit even though no one has been there in hours.  They encounter hysterical civilian Mack (Geoffrey Pounsett), who is quickly gulped down by a mutated monster.

Pity -- my favorite of all the characters, and he's gulped down instantly.

Eventually Hot Girl joins them; she's been busy running down the street naked and slowly putting on an evening gown, just the thing to fight a zombie apocalypse!

4. The city has been sealed, so everyone who didn't get out is stuck with the zombies and monsters. Plus Evil Corporation plans to drop a nuclear bomb on it.

 "Not without my doh-tah" Dr. Ashford contacts a trapped STAR(evil corporation's private soldier),  Carlos (Oded Fehr).

5, And Nicolai (Zach Ward), and offers them safe passage out of the city if they find his Doh-Tah.

He makes the same offer to Hot Girl, Boobs, and company.

The two groups eventually merge.

Doh-Tah goes to Raccoon City (har-har) Junior High, although it is clearly a private school, and a city that size must have several junior highs.

Hot Girl, Boobs, and company use a tracking device to locate her.  Then they run into:

6. Nemesis (Matthew G. Taylor, top photo, in Incredible Hulk make-up), a monster built from Hot Girl's old boyfriend Matt.  Evil Corporation thinks that this would be a good time to test him out, so they program him to kill all STARS but spare civilians.










7. LJ. (Omar Epps, left), a  comic relief "What up?" black guy, is driving through town, wondering "what up?"

He is accosted by the boobs of half-naked strippers.  Then he hooks up with some trapped STARS.

Nemesis approaches and fires his guns everywhere, hitting all of the STARS but somehow missing L.J., whom he deems "a civilian non-combatant").

L.J. joins Hot Girl, Boobs, Doh-Tah, and the rest.

Nemesis goes after Hot Girl, but he refuses to kill his ex-girlfriend.

A bunch of people get killed.  I forget who.

8. You think the movie is over, but it's not.  Three weeks later, Hot Girl is naked again, in an incubation tank.  She is released and given a towel by Evil Scientist (who I think is played by Aaron Abrams).  He asks "What do you remember?"  She says "I remember everything" and proceeds to kill everyone in the lab, while using one hand to keep her towel on. 




















9.  She runs outside, where the alive-and-well Carlos, Boobs, L.J., and Doh-Tah whisk her into a limo and ask "Are you all right?"

Another Evil Scientist (Iain Glen) tells us that he planned the whole thing.

Wait -- was this just a cyberspace training exercise.  Is Raccoon City (har-har) alive and well too?

10.  Oh, right, I needed another. Well...um...how about Frank Chiesurin as Some Guy.  The male roles aren't important, anyway.  Resident Evil: Apocalypse is all about the boobs.