Since "queen" is slang for "feminine gay man." I assumed that the Netflix movie Babysitter Killer Queen would be about a gay teenager who babysits and kills. The boy in the trailer certainly is feminine! So I didn't even bother to research it. Maybe I should have.
Prologue: A bloody boy leaves a house and tells his astonished parents, "I don't need a babysitter anymore." Flashcard: Two years later. Weird way to start a movie.
Scene 1: Cole(Judah Lewis in a psycho-killer outfit) is walking through a high school, complaining: "Everybody thinks I made it up -- that I'm crazy." Made what up? He gets bullied and ridiculed by guffawing students. pointed at, and called a "pussy." Clearly this isn't a high school from the 21st century, with anti-bullying programs part of the curriculum, so I suggest not wearing a psycho-killer outfit.
Does he look like Cole Sprouse on purpose?
Scene 2: Cole is in his psychiatrist's office, on a cliche couch that hasn't been used for psychotherapy since the 1920s, describing whatever happened 2 years ago: "dead guy, blood, guy with his shirt off for no reason." Let's hear more about the shirt off.
Scene 3: At school, more ridicule. A jck laughs and points, but his girl turns and smiles. Geez, this is one of those 1980s movies where The Girl of His Dreams is dating an obnoxious jock that nobody in real life could stand to be with for a second, just so the nerd can "win" her. How horribly heterosexist and cliched! Where's the killer queen?
In class, teacher is lecturing on Faust (the guy who sold his soul to the devil) when a half-naked girl sashays in (in slow motion, naturally). The principal introduces her as a new student, Phoebe. She's mean, sarcastic, demanding, and as the teacher says, "a crazy beach."
Scene 4: Dad is juggling while Mom does the dishes. Dad admits that he's creeped out by his kid, not realizing that Cole is lurking at the door. They hem and haw and stumble. Geez, does he have eerie powers or something? What are they afraid of?
Scene 5: Later, Cole takes his pills while staring into the mirror like a psycho. A half-naked girl named Melanie face=times him to discuss the Faust assignment. He happens to pick up his masturbation lotion. Dad bursts in and thinks they are having cybersex. Har-har.
Dad talks to Mom: "We're going to do this, right? After lunch tomorrow?" Hey, Cole seems fully functional, except for living in a 1980s teen nerd movie. No need for institutionalization! And if he does need to be institutionalized, maybe talk it over with him?
Scene 6: Cole finds the brochure from the psychiatric hospital, and his appointment for 1:00 today! He goes to school and tells Melanie, who suggests "we're all going to the lake this weekend. Come with us." Will that help? And if they're good friends, why wasn't he invited before?
Scene 7: In class, Cole stares at Phoebe. Teacher calls on him, he stands up to answer, then stumbles and falls, so the class can laugh and point some more (instead of asking if he's sick? I get it, everybody in the school except for The Girl is an obnoxious jerk. Shall we advance the plot?
Scene 8: Coles' parents are here to take him to the psychiatric hospital. He ditches them to get into a car with Melanie and some bullies, and they drive off.
Looking for him, the parents visit Juan, the stoner next door, who also happens to be Melanie's Dad. He tells them that Melanie and her boyfriend Jimmy usually ditch school on Fridays and go to the lake. Cole probably went with them.
Scene 9: Snack and gas stop. While the bullies whoop and holler and vandalize, Melanie gets all gooey around Cole. She's clearly in love with him, she just doesn't realize it for plot contrivance reasons. The half-naked attendant tries to sell him condoms.
How often have you been to a gas station where the attendant is wearing a black leather outfit with a bare midriff and most of her breasts hanging out?
They reach the lake. Establishing shot of 3,000 girls in bikinis gyrating, and a few guys in the background. It's like an X-rated Frankie and Annette beach movie.
My original belief that Cole is gay has long since been quashed. So have my hopes that this movie would be gay-inclusive, or that the writers would be aware that our culture has changed since 1985, or that the director would be aware that this is not supposed to be heterosexual porn. I'm fast-forwarding.
Turns out that Melanie and the bullies plan to sacrifice Cole to the devil. That's the point of the Faust references. I thought Goethe was a little advanced for high schoolers.
Also they could be the ghosts of the kids who died two years ago, in the event that everyone thinks Cole imagined. Or some living Satanists, some ghosts.
Phoebe, who they also invited, isn't into the whole human-sacrifice thing. She saves Cole, or Cole saves her, or something. Dad sees the bullies or ghosts bursting into flame, and realizes that Cole is not crazy. Cole kisses Phoebe to demonstrate that he's also heterosexual.
Last Scene: Cole, now dressed in 1980s Tom Cruise cool, is relaxed and confident, telling his shrink that it was all a hallucination. Shrink is thrilled. "You got some pussy, didn't you?"
Yep, he had sex with a girl. That's the cure to every psychiatric problem, isn't it?
Ok, I checked: this movie came out in 2020, not 1985. It has five writers, none of whom have ever written anything else. They also haven't seen a movie in 30 years. The director is someone named McG, who is oddly not a rapper; his previous credits are mostly in music videos: Barenaked Ladies, Pussycat Dolls, and so on.
That explains the half-naked girls. He thought he was filming a music video.
But why the title? Turns out that this is a sequel to an obscure movie about a boy whose babysitter tries to kill him. It's two years later....
The Only Redeeming Characteristics of This Insulting Schlock Fest: Boyfriend Jimmy (Maximillian Acevedo, above) and one of the ghost-bullies (Robbie Amell, left) display their physiques But wouldn't you know, the photos on IMDB only show boobacious girls.
The trailer was horrifying. The "director" over directs in the annoying modern style which tries to be flashy but just gives you headaches. Yeah there is some hot shirtless dudes but Instagram has plenty of those now . The most shocking part is that this mess that it has FIVE credited writers
ReplyDeleteSo like....did you not pick up that this was a sequel? Or that the subtitle was a reference to the song by Queen? And the original film wasn't exactly obscure
ReplyDeleteI didn't pick up on it being a sequel because the original was extremely obscure; no one saw it or even heard of it. I looked it up on wikipedia afterwards and saw that it was a sequel. And I think the similarity of the title to the Queen song is just a coincidence; the moive has no connection to the international jetsetter spy of the song. For that matter, there aren't any babysitters i
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