Gemstones Episode 1.1: Kelvin is in love with a Goth, and Gideon with the Devil. Plus Chengdu dudes, Scott Wolf, and a stunt c*ck

In the new year, let's go back to where it all began, or at least to 2019, with Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.1

Link to the NSFW Review

Who is More of a Man?: Chengdu, in southwestern China. Beneath an advertisement for "24 Hours of Saved Souls," a woman is singing in Mandarin, while hundreds of people file into a swimming pool to be baptized by missionary Eli Gemstone (Dan Conner of Roseanne) or his adult children.  Jesse, the oldest (Danny McBride of Vice Principals), complains that his brother Kelvin (Adam Devine of Workaholics) is dipping the converts too far, getting water in their noses. Kelvin disgrees. Suddenly someone turns on waves and disco music, people lose their footing, it's chaos!

The Gemstones return home, and are greeted by Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man, and his secretary Judy, the third Gemstone child, who complains that she didn't get to go, even though she learned "Ni hao" (Hello).  Jesse argues that missionary work is for only men, and she counters: "I'm more of a man than Kelvin is."  Jesse agrees. Is this a gay reference? 

The three men are chauffeured, in three identical cars, through a huge estate with a golf course, amusement park, and private police force.  Ok, Eli is not a missionary; he has a televangelism empire like Jimmy Swaggart's

They are dropped off at their houses. First  Eli, greeted by a staff of 15 women. Then Jesse, greeted by his wife, Amber, and children, Pontius and Abraham.  Then Kelvin, greeted by no one. So his plot arc will be about finding someone. 

Kelvin and the Vampire:  Kelvin walks into his game room, and starts sorting his mail.  Suddenly a man appears in the doorway, lowering from a sit-up bench like a vampire rising from his coffin -- next to an Egyptian mummy case. This is the Land of the Dead. 

He says "Hello, friend," more threat than greeting. 

Kelvin: "You scared the ___ out of me!"  

The Vampire: "I'm sorry, man.  I'd like to keep your ___ in." 

Kelvin didn't like China: "Jesse was riding me the whole time, fully up my ___"  Second reference to that thing that I can't mention here..

He continues to criticize Jesse for not "letting me be me." 

Is this a reference to Kelvin being gay?  Will he come out during this season, or is he already out?

After a bro fist-bump, Kelvin asks (his friend has not yet been named, but we'll call him Keefe) how the housesitting went.

It went fine.  Keefe slept in Kelvin's room one night, "But it felt odd, so I slept the rest of the time here on the couch." The huge house must have a dozen guest rooms.   Why the couch?

Kelvin: "Hey, man, you do not need to feel odd sleeping in my bed.  I told you you could."   Is he easing Keefe into the idea of sleeping with him?

Keefe didn't like being in Kelvin's room: "The energy in there is just unsettling.  It's lonely"   Very insightful.  He can sense Kelvin's loneliness.  There's no one in his life, no friends, no romantic partner.  He doesn't realize it yet, but he is, in the words of Dag Hammarskjold, "screaming for love." .

Kelvin thanks him for looking after the place: "Home-run friendship." Keefe is appreciative: "I know not everybody wanted me here."  House-sitting?  Why would the family care?

Timeline problem: Keefe was a Satanist before he and Kelvin met. Maybe Kelvin even brought him to Christ.  How long have they known each other?  In a future episode, Keefe's Satanist friends wonder why he hasn't been around lately, so just a few weeks.  But there's a faded 666 tattoo on Keefe's chest. Laser tattoo removal takes 6-10 sessions, scheduled 6-8 weeks apart.  Did Keefe start the removal long before he met Kelvin, or did the writers goof? .  

Keefe decides to return to his apartment: "I'm pretty bushed. Gonna go soak in a tub. " It's the middle of the day! You haven't seen your friend in a week or so.  Why don't you want to stick around? Are you worried about things heading in a direction you're not ready for?

"No, man!" Kelvin pleads. "Let's stay up late, play some video games, smash some Pixie Sticks."  Staying up past your bedtime?  Eating sugar?  Are you planning a romantic encounter or a junior high sleepover?

Keefe refuses politely. "That sounds good, but I really need a soak...I like to turn it up real hot."  A double-entendre. 

Kelvin asks for a hug. Keefe reluctantly approaches. "So happy you're home," he whispers.

As the hug ends, Kelvin looks devastated.  He is desperate for some kind of physical connection, but Keefe is leaving.   He's so flustered that he can't even return Keefe's "Night-night" properly.

Kelvin seems to be pushing for a relationship, but Keefe isn't sure.  He's been saved (converted) for only a few weeks.  He might find Kelvin attractive, but the power differential is enormous, and maybe he's been abused by clergy before.  It's best to reject romantic overtures, play it cool, and see what happens. 

I have gay friends:  Night.  Jesse goes into hs son Pontius's room and kisses him on the forehead. You've been home for hours, so why wait until he's asleep to kiss him?  Wouldn't a father generally do that as his son is going to bed?  I think someone goofed with the continuity, and thinks that Jesse just got home.

Pontius calls him a "f*ggot."  The first and only homophobic slur of the season.

Jesse counters that he's just doing a father-son thing, and chastises Pontius: "I got friends who are gay." Pontius takes this as additional evidence that his father is gay.  Since Danny McBride's previous characters have been homophobic, it is important that he demonstrate that Jesse is a gay ally.  But why now, directly after the first Kelvin/Keefe meeting?  Doubtless he means "a gay brother." 

Next, Pontius lays on the bad boy routine: he doesn't believe in God; as soon as he's 18, he'll run away to California "like Gideon" and never talk to his parent again.  Jesse  warns him to never mention Gideon's name. 

This has been a lot to digest.  Who would expect a show from Danny McBride, producer of Vice Principals and Eastbound & Down,  would have a major gay character?  And played by Adam Devine, who played a horny dudebro on Workaholics and fell in love with a girl in Modern Family?  

But wait a minute: if you want Kelvin to be gay, why not say so?  Say the word "gay," or have the guys kiss.  Other tv shows with gay characters do the word or the kiss in the first scene.  If you don't, the "they can't be gay!" camp is going to argue and argue to the bitter end. 

Plus, in an interview during Season 2, Adam envisions that in ten years, Kelvin will be married to a woman.  In another interview, he says that he wants to play a gay guy who doesn't go through a long, painful coming-out process, but has regular adventures with his boyfriend. It sounds very much like he perceives his character as straight. Or is he dissimulating to keep viewers guessing?

Things are going to get even crazier after the break.  And don't forget the n*de Chengdu dudes, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

 

The S*x Party:  Jesse in the master bedroom suite, brushing his teeth while his wife Amber waits in bed. Suddenly he gets a text: a video of Jesse in a hotel room, snorting cocaine, and doing things I can't mention here. We see men's private parts!  So someone taped Jesse having a  s*x party.

The sender wants to meet, so Jesse makes an excuse and drives to the deserted parking lot of a strip mall.  A red van appears, and a blackmailer in a Devil mask demands a million dollars by Sunday, or the video goes viral!   

Later, Jesse asks Chief Accountant Martin for the money, pretending it's for a new mission endeavor, but no dice.

Squeezing Out the Competition:  Eli is planning to open a new satellite church in Locust Grove. A fictional town, not the suburb of Atlanta.  The pastors of smaller churches in the area, especially Rev. Seasons (Dermot Mulroney, right, from a 1994 movie), fear that theit will draw away their members.  Tough. Eli admits that he's intentionally trying to steal their congregations.  In-joke: his name is John Wesley Seasons, but he's a Baptist!

Judy and the Atheist: The family meets at Aimee-Leigh's shrine to discuss their disapproval of Judy's boyfriend BJ, because he is an unbeliever; he's even pro-choice on abortion!  She argues that he doesn't support abortion anymore.  How conservative are the Gemstones?  It varies from season to season, and even from episode to episode.

Plus they are living together, in spite of the church's prohibition of premarital cohabitation, so whenever someone visits, BJ has to hide. She argues that they are engaged, which is practically the same as being married.  No one mentions disapproving of Kelvin being gay; could they not know?

On the ride home, Kelvin becomes angry with Jesse for "constantly getting in my business, telling me what I should or shouldn't do."  Like what guys he can date? Jesse claims that he's just trying to protect Kelvin: "Dark forces are at work. Evil forces that want to destroy our family."  He means the blackmailers, but what does Kelvin think he's talking about?  An ex-Satanist that he attracted to?

We cut to Jesse's wife Amber meeting with the church ladies to defend the Gemstones' excessive wealth, 

Jesse's Crew Sees the Tape:  Jesse shows Kelvin and his crew, the guys who were at the party, the tape. Kelvin ignores the lady, but wants to know about the man -- Chad.  He points out that he is  bigger. Everybody is bigger, dude. 

Kelvin will be obsessed with his size through the series. I wonder if it is scripted as small, or the same size as Adam Devine's.

So, will Kelvin to chip in half of the million dollars?  He considers it, but after Jesse calls him "a shitty brother and a shitty minister," he refuses.  

We move on to a church service -- very money-grubbing.  Eli, Kelvin, and Jesse perform, while Keefe stands in the balcony.  Apparently he is working security.  After the service, they find all of the cars in the parking lot plastered with fliers about how evil the Gemstones are.  No doubt Rev. Season is responsible!  

S*ck your Satanic boyfriend:  After a confrontation with Rev. Seasons about the fliers -- he denies responsibility -- Eli and his family head to dinner in a private dining room on the second floor of Jason's Steakhouse.  Trivia alert: Really the Liberty Taproom and Grill in Mount Pleasant, a suburb of Charlesotn.

The siblings are generally sniping at each other. disapproving of BJ for being a nonbeliever and Judy for planning to move away from the compound and buy a place in town.  They consider this a betrayal. Why do they care?   

Kelvin accuses Jesse of "betraying your family" in another way.  They stand, preparing to fight.

Kelvin: "How about you tell the family what kind of man you really are?"

Jesse: "How about you just go on and s*ck Satanic boyfriend Keefe off?"  This is the first time Keefe is named on the show. 

"S*ck your Satanic boyfriend" is a parallel to "what kind of man you really are," comparing two illicit sexual acts.  But what is illicit, a boyfriend or a Satanist?  From Jesse's statement that he has gay friends earlier, we can conclude that he means "Satanist," just as Judy is inadequate because of her non-believer boyfriend.  But Kelvin responds as if Jesse has criticized him for being gay: instead of defending Keefe, he throws a water glass.  

The Devil is a Top:  They start throwing things at each other. Jesse throws a water glass at Kelvin, but hits BJ in the nose.  Kelvin yells that they should have Jesse arrested for assault, and he responds "I hope the Devil f*cks you dry!"  

Again we see parallel threats, getting arrested and getting "fucked" by the Devil, both humiliating losses of power.  It is interesting that Jesse adds "dry," that is, without lube. He assumes that Kelvin, being a bottom, would otherwise enjoy the act.  In Season 3,we learn that Kelvin is in fact a bottom, and Keefe a top.

The Bigger Man:  Later, at the urinals in the restroom, Jesse asks "With everything I got going on, you can't be the bigger man?"  Kelvin looks down at Jesse's penis and says "Looks like I am the bigger man."   This is the second time this episode where Kelvin references his size. 

They begin discussing how to take down rival Johnny Seasons  Jesse bought kubotan weapons to assault him with.

"Why'd you get me a pink one""  Kelvin asks. 

"No reason." Another gay implication. It looks like Jesse knows that Kelvin is gay from the start.  I'm not sure yet if Kelvin has figured it out.   

Jesse goes on: They used to be friends. They played together. They were going to grow up to be Double-Dragon Ninjas together.  "What happened to us?" (Top photo: Scott Wolf, who starred in the 1994 Double Dragons movie).  They are at least eight years apart, so they would not have been equal playmates.  

More Scott Wolf on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

"We grew up," Kelvin responds. This rift between the brothers apparently was meant to introduce a plot arc, but after this episode, it is rarely mentioned again.  The main relationships this season will be Jesse/Gideon and Kelvin/Keefe.

We cut to Jesse discovering that Pontius has obsessively circled all the bad words in the Bible.  Then on to Kelvin's house: he plays with his drum set while Keefe plays an arcade game. Kelvin grew up?  These are junior high kids.

Houseguest or boyfriend: It's late at night, but Kelvin is not entertaining Keefe. They just happen to be in the same room.  This suggests that Keefe is not a visitor; they are living together, a significant change in status since Scene 1.  

Keefe complains that early versions of the game had a demonic character who said, if you listened closely, "I am the Devil. You're mine." It lured many kids into Satanism.  Keefe  is much more concerned about a literal Devil than he will be later,.

Kelvin is staring into space, worried about...what?  He starts playing Double Dragon, the game he used to play with Jesse, so maybe he is worried about not being friends anymore.  

Jesse gets revenge: Later, Jesse and his crew go to Rev. Season's house to attack, but he shoots Chad, so they scram.  They call Kelvin to help. 

Judy finds out about the blackmail plan, and offers to help: she's been embezzling from the church for years, saving up to make an escape. 

At home, Eli watches an old video tape of his tv show.  While Aimee-Leigh asks "Who wants to make a real change in their lives?' the siblings drive back from the rendezvous, looking sick.  The end.

The first episode covers a lot of ground, but it appears that all of the Gemstones except Kelvin are self-serving and immoral (we will see some redeeming qualities in future episodes.)  Why is Kelvin the moral center of the family?  Maybe so when his fall comes, it will be all the more dramatic?

See also: Dermot Mulroney: From tearjerker victim to corrupt preacher, with some n*dity in between

Victor Rivera: Summa cum laude theater arts grad, LARPer, D&D player, stunt c*ck. With bonus Jesse Eisenberg butt

Pretty Dudes: Gay Asian erasure, Spiderman, a car hookup, and hamburgers

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Next: Gemstones Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dudes, and the Devil's Kiss