Link to the n*de dudes
Scene 1: A party in Rome, with muscular guys gyrating. A young lady, probably Chiara, goes to the kitchen, grabs a tray of flaming drinks, and offers one to a sleazy guy sitting on a throne surrounded by ladies. She clicks a cell phone. He reads his text: "Buy now!" So it's spam?
He returns to his hotel room and checks out the investments on his computer, with Chiara on the balcony, hacked in. He hears someone out there, and looks around. Dude, she's standing right next to you. But he gets a text from one of his girlfriends, and leaves.
Chiara goes downstairs, gets on her scooter, and drives off.
Cut to the Place Vendôme in Paris. A heavilly disguised guy, probably Jay (Victor Belmondo), enters a hotel, sets a timer, and heads up to the Presidential Suite. He breaks in, grabs some jewelry and stuff from the dressing room, but security is at the door! He breaks through the wall, heads downstairs, and drives off.
Scene 2: Chiara in her elegant bedroom, eating an elegant breakfast and texting, Jay in his dumpy apartment, eating junk food and texting. They get job offers simultaneously: a private residence break-in, paying 25,000 euros.
Cut to Lake Como, in the Italian Alps, on the Swiss border. They both show up for the break-in job, and exchange flirty banter.
Jay works with explosives: "A little boom, sixty seconds in and out. What do you say?"
Chiara: "Isn't that your Tinder profile?"
Jay: "No, it's just Jay from Paris." Hetero identity established at Minute 5.
They continue to flirt as he tries to cut the power. She bets him that it won't work; it doesn't, so he has to remove some clothes. That's your brother, girl.
On into the house, and the safe with the stuff they're supposed to steal. But it's empty.
"You passed the test," an English voice says. "Bravo. And bare-chested. Interesting."
"What do you care?" Jay asks angrily. Hey, don't be homophobic. Accept the femme gay guy's interest as a complement.
Scene 3: The femme guy is Roger, played by Stanley Tucci, a super-femme dude who you'll instantly tag as gay. He's actually straight, but he's capitalized on his "obviously gay" presentation by playing a string of gay characters, so maybe Roger....
Rog tells them that Chiara is the best hacking thief in the world, and Jay is the best explosives thief. If he's so great, why does he live in a dump? But he wanted to see if they could work together.
They can, in spite of the constant flirting, so he wants to hire them for "the job of a lifetime," that will make them both billionaires.
Oh, by the way, he also wanted to hire them because he's their father. He stole their toothbrushes and got DNA samples. Here are the test results.
Cut to Jay calling his mother. "So...um...did you hook up with an extremely feminine straight guy played by Stanley Tucci?"
"Oh, right, we met in Mumbai in 1995, and hooked up, but I lost his number, so I couldn't tell him when I got pregnant. I didn't want to tell you, so I made up a story about a dead Greek sailor."
Scene 4: Back in the parlor, Chiara is furious. She was abandoned at birth, and raised by horribly abusive foster parents, so if he's her Dad, he's got some explaining to do.
Roger explains that he was stealing something on the island of Capri, and he met the private detective hired to track the person who stole a valuable Picasso. It wasn't him, so they hooked up, and didn't see each other again.
Left: This review was a little beefcake-light, so I included a random French guy.
Scene 4: So, what's the job? Stealing the Mona Lisa, the most famous painting in the world. Don't bother looking for it in the Louvre -- it's disappointingly small, and impossible to see from behind the scores of selfie-taking tourists. And if you do -- it looks like the 300,000 reproductions you'll see over your lifetime.
He shows them a map of a forgotten tunnel leading from the Louvre 300 m across the Seine to the basement of Academie Francaise.
He asks them to spend the night, and decide in the morning.
Scene 5: Chiara in her room, on her laptop, making sure that the DNA test isn't a fake. Then she stops by Jay's room to tell him that everything checks out, and "I wasn't checking out your butt." "Yes, you were." Since you now know that you're siblings, maybe cut down on the flirting? A brother and sister really shouldn't have a "will they or won't they?" plotline.
Cut to the crowds milling around the Mona Lisa. The Louvre has other exhibits, you know.
After complaints and "It's impossible," they agree, and he explains the plan. "Let's do this...as a family!" Are they really the best in the world, or did you hire them to connect with your kids?
More after the break
7 Days to Go: On the road to Paris, they refuse to stop for Jay to do stuff because they have an appointment at 6:00 pm, so he goes in a can. Dad and Sis are disgusted. Or pretending to be, as they imagine his p*nis.
Cut to the trio pushing through the photo-taking crowd to gaze at the Mona Lisa. Next, to their pied-a-terre (secondary residence), right across the Seine. Uh-oh, a tough stops his car and glares at Dad, who rushes them in.
Maybe the tough is Bruno, played by Mark Ivanir (n*de on RG Beefcake & Boyfriends).
Unfortunately, there are only two bedrooms, so Jay and his Sis will have to share. Jay's dumpy apartment is nearby -- couldn't he stay there? "No,we stick together -- as a family." The dude is pushing them together. I don't think they're really brother and sister.
At least there are two beds. Sis has claimed the big one. They squabble.
6 Days to Go: Jay has to check the basement of the Academy, so he can decide what kind of explosives to use to open the tunnel. He talks his way in with a fake id, snakes through the labyrinth, blows the lock on the Archives Room, and -- Sis pranked his stuff, so he has nothing to take a sample with. He figures the entrance is blocked by limestone and mortar. Security guards approach, so he scrams.
Back at the pied-a-terre, he yells at Sis for pranking him. They flirt-fight until Dad breaks them up.
In other news, Sis has two problems: she has to plant the hacking device in the VIP Lounge, but she isn't a member.
And she needs a physical permission token to hack into the Louvre's security system. That one's easy: it's in the possession of Mr. Bartoli (Philippe Uchan, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), who runs the security company. He's a member of the Guild of Truffle Enthusiasts, which is meeting tonight at the VK Palace. All they have to do is steal it.
Cut to an old guy in a gilded robe being carried to his throne. His thugs tell him that Cavendish (Dad) has been sighted. "Bring him to me, and if he doesn't comply, shoot him in the face."
Dad gets a call: "Mr. Van Klum wants to see you, same hotel as before, penthouse." Sister overhears and thinks he is double-crossing them. She tails him.
On the way up the elevator, two American tourists tell her that you can get a VIP tour for just your group, with access to the VIP Lounge. Why wouldn't she have learned this with preliminary research?
The elevator opens directly to the penthouse, where Mr. Van Klum is congratulating Dad on his plan. "You made a promise t ome -- this is your last chance. Deliver on October 20th."
Left: Foed Amara plays one of Van Klum's bodyguards.
When Roger returns to the flat, the sibs confront him. "I was trying to protect you, but there really is a buyer. He will pay with a postal code in the Azores, which he can use to skim money from financial transactions, netting $157million per year forever.
The two being Roger's children and the best thieves in the world strains the suspension of disbelief. I'll bet that he's just pretending: he faked Chiara's DNA test, and paid Jay's mother to lie. As soon as the Mona Lisa is stolen, he'll betray them.
I fast-forwarded to the end, to see if the two jump into bed the moment they realize that they aren't actually related.
No, after a lot of double crosses, and the big reveal that Roger is not who he says he is, three remain a family-like unit.
N*de Italian guy on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
No comments:
Post a Comment
No offensive, insulting, racist, or homophobic comments are permitted.
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.