This review has been sitting for a year, with no problem with the idjit censors. I put it in the top position, and zap! zap! Think of the children. So let's try again.
Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You." Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.
Rogers County Fair, 2000: The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting people in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry? What are we going to do next, sell beer? At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!
While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family." She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench.
As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May!
Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season. First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement. Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church.
Gulp! His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna screw it up?"
Cut to Zion's Landing, the Gemstones' Christian-themed resort. The 42-year old Jesse and his crew confront Eli's driver. In joke: his name is Walker! He squealed to the press about the dwindling membership and donations since the kids took over, so they beat him up and fire him. Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I am shocked. Christian ministers are often shady and hypocritical, but violent? What if someone sees?
A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer. She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again. Uh-oh, marital trouble.
Sm*t Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time Kelvin and Keefe are buying out the inventory of some censored stores, so they won't be able to sell them. Yes, I know the logic. We see some kids, including Nick Vardakas, examining some of the toys.
They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in their chant, which promises that avoiding the inventory of the stores will reduce the likelihood of "coconuts."
After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning It was chosen for its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no buts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).
So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out.
The Primitive Tribe: At church, the siblings are bragging about their missionary trip, where they brought Lasik Surgery to an isolated tribe in the Amazon.
They are completely clueless; surgery to correct astigmatism must be the most trivial of the group's medical needs. Plus the depiction of a "primitive tribe" veers uncomfortably close to racism.
Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together.
Jesse criticizes the store project -- preventing truck drivers from getting toys but not doing anything to help the church. Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 stores along the I-95 corridor.
Geography alert: The I-95 corridor runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston. That's a long drive just to pick up some toys
Next on the agenda: A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church. But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead. Uh-oh, the church can't afford to lose this!
The Evil Simpkins: The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection. The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly
(this will become important later).
Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance. Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity. Plus 85% are women.
Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?
The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David, below). They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..
Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot. Kelvin nods his agreement. Wait - how out is he? Dusty, openly bi, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks." Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile." They flex and posture.
Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me? In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.
Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing. He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.
There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out. The fortune goes to the Simpkins!
Next we'll find out more about May-May, the lady with the wrench, and the marital squabbles.
More after the break
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