"Once Upon a Time" Season 7 Beefcake

Once Upon a Time, Season 7 is a blatant, unnecessary reboot.

Season 1:  Fairytale characters are living in our world, in the town of Storybrooke, with wiped memories and new identities.

Season 7: Fairytale characters are living in our world, in the town of Hyperion Heights, with wiped memories and new identities.

Season 1: The Evil Queen Regina has orchestrated the whole thing in order to get revenge on her stepdaughter, Snow White.

Season 7: The Evil Lady Tremaine has orchestrated the whole thing in order to get revenge on her stepdaughter, Cinderella.

 Season 1: 10-year old Henry Mills tracks down his birth mother, who happens to be Snow White's daughter, the only one who can break the curse.

Season 7: 10-year old Lucy tracks down her birth father, Henry Mills, who happens to be Cinderella's long-lost husband, the only one who can break the curse.

Yawn.  And they're fresh out of fairytale characters.  The only new ones who show up are Mother Nature and Baron Samedi, Hansel and Gretel, and Captain Ahab.  I don't remember Mother Nature actually being a character in any story, and Baron Samedi is a Haitian voodoo god.

Season 7:  Fairytale characters are living in our world, in the town of Hyperion Heights, with wiped memories and new identities.

It's also a beefcake-limited season. The main characters are Cinderella, Lady Tremaine, the wicked stepsisters, Lucy, Regina...men mostly relegated to recurring and guest roles.  I could only find 7 respectable hunks.

1. Andrew J. West (top photo) as the adult Henry Mills, who has forgotten that fairytale worlds exist.  He published a bestselling novel about them, but insists that it is pure fiction.  Oh, and he's Cinderella's husband and Lucy's father.

2. Jeff Pierre (second photo) as Prince Naveen from "The Frog Prince," who is cursed by Baron Samedi but doesn't really turn into a frog.

3. Nathan Parsons as Hansel, who, after the candy house thing, ends up in Oz, and then in Hyperion Heights, where he becomes a serial killer.

4. Liam Hall as the Prince, who dates Cinderella before she marries Henry.  He doesn't have a first name because in the fairytale he's called Prince Charming, but that name is taken.

5. Kevin Ryan as Robert, who is working for Baron Samedi because his lover has been turned into a frog.

6. Dan Payne as Ivo, Hansel and Gretel's father.

7. Chad Rook as Captain Ahab from Moby-Dick, who owns a magic fish hook that Captain Hook needs to....well, who knows?

Gay Subtexts in "Lovecraft Country"

Although I have undergraduate and graduate degrees in literature, I don't read much literature any more.  The few times that I've picked up novels, swayed by rave reviews, I'm inevitably disappointed; homophobic slurs and a boy-meets-girl lo-ooo-ove plotline that wasn't mentioned in the plot synopsis.  So I agonized over whether to buy Lovecraft Country.  But I was intrigued by the combination of Jim Crow racism and Lovecraftian monsters.

So I started:

Atticus, a 22-year old Korean War Veteran, comes home to discover that his estranged father has vanished, leaving only the command "Go to Ardham" (that's Ardham, not Arkham). So he and his Uncle George set out on a harrowing road trip from Chicago to Ardham, Massachusetts.

Letiticia, a childhood friend, insists on coming along.  "Uh-oh," I thought, "Lo.ooo..ove approaching!"  But she and Atticus never spark; in fact, on the way home Atticus takes the back seat, away from Letiticia.

En route to Ardham, the trio faces the horrors of Jim Crow America.  For instance, they go into a "safe" restaurant, only to find that the safe one burned down, and entering the white-only replacement results in a lot of white people with guns chasing them. 

Finally they reach Ardham, and discover that Atticus is the chosen one of an ancient secret society,  the Order of the Ancient Dawn, which disapproves of his blackness but really has no choice.  Wealthy Samuel Braithwaite and his son Caleb have orchestrated the disappearance to get Atticus there to perform a ritual. 

Atticus performs it, all right, but not the way the old rich white men would like.

Later segments show Letiticia moving into a haunted house, haunted by both ghosts and the white people who don't want her in the neighborhood; 

Hippolyta (George's wife) stumbling upon a doorway to another world full of unknown horrors and a very possessive woman.

Atticus, Uncle George, and Montrose (his father) investigating the mystery of a missing lodge member.

Henry (George's son) is pursued by an evil doll.

The characters are more proactive than most horror novel protagonists, actively taking part in their situation...and...

None of them.  Not one of them falls in lo...ooo.ooove.

Plus there's substantial buddy bonding between Atticus and Uncle George. 

I also suspect that Caleb has an erotic attraction to Atticus hidden behind his manipulations.

The lack of heterosexual plotlines made me think that author Matt Ruff must be gay, but he's married to a woman, and his other novels have hetero-romances.

I understand that a new HBO tv series has been ordered from the book, with Jonathan Majors  (top photo) as Atticus, Michael Kenneth Williams (second photo) as Montrose, and Courtney Vance as Uncle George.

Caleb has been turned into a girl: Christine Braithwaite (Elizabeth Debicki).  How much do you want to bet that she and Atticus fall in...well, you know.

Falcon Beach: Canadian Teen Soap About Bare Chests

Falcon Beach (2006-07) is a Canadian teen soap, available on youtube and Amazon, about bare chests and kissing.

1. The central bare chest belongs to Steve Byers as Jason Tanner, a shirtless golden boy who lives with his widowed mom on a beach in Manitoba.  He spends his days taking his shirt off, flirting with girls, and hanging out with his nerdish best friend....

Bare Chest #2, belonging to Jughead...um, I mean Danny (Ephraim Ellis).


Then rich girl Veronica Lodge...um, I mean Paige Bradshaw (Jennifer Kydd) shows up with her wealthy industrialist father, who wants to tear down Pop Tate's....um, I mean turn the beach into condos or something.  Anyway, he's evil. 







Paige brings along Bare Chest #3, belonging to another shirtless golden boy, a Jason Tanner lookalike named Lane (Morgan Kelly).

Saving the beach, deciding which girl to kiss, and drug addiction are three main plotlines of the series. 

Saving the beach, a lot more than we need: bankrupcies, annuities, foreclosures, tax shelters, compound interest loans...this is escapeism?  Bring on the bare chests!

#4. A reasonably hirsute bare chest belonging Peter Mooney as Dr. Adrian Keeper, who prescribes opioids and other drugs to the athletes.

#5. An even more hirsute chest belonging to Stephen Lobo as Nathan Rai.

#6. An ab-worthy chest belonging to soap stud Shawn Roberts as Hurst.














#7. The sculpted chest of Yannick Bisson as Michael Prescott.

8. The ripped chest of Geoff Banjavich as...well, who cares?

If only they could have limited the kissing....

"Once Upon a Time" Season 6 Beefcake

In the 6th and sort of final season of Once Upon a Time, about storybook characters having soap opera battles, the writers rev things up by throwing in characters from every storybook they can think of.

Episode 1:  Deniz Akdeniz (left) as Aladdin, a former savior who has failed to save Agrabah, plus Oded Fehr as Jafar and Giles Matthey as Morpheus, the God of Sleep, who turns out to be Gideon, the unborn son of Rumplestiltskin and Belle (from Beauty and the Beast)

Episode 2: Craig Horner (left) as Edmund Dantes, the Count of Monte Cristo, who the Evil Queen hires to kill Snow White.

Episode 3: Cinderella, who does the glass-slipper bit Prince Thomas (Tim Phillipps), while her sister falls in love with his footman, Jacob (Max Lloyd-Jones, left),  Snow White is there for some reason, plus Gus (Jared Joseph), the rat turned into a hunk, is Cinderella's escort to the ball.

Episode 4: Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde (Hank Harris, Sam Witwer, left), who are actually ongoing characters this season, tell their back story, which involves competing for the love of the same woman.  Tom Sawyer (Reily Campbell) makes a cameo as a student in Snow White's class (her lectures all appear to be about birds).

Episode 5: Goldilocks makes an appearance in Agrabah.

Episode 6: Captain Nemo  (Faran Tahir) hangs out with Hook, along with Nick Eversman (far left) as Hook's long-lost half-brother, Liam (not to be confused with his full brother, also named Liam).

Episode 7: In a flashback about Snow White fleeing from the Evil Queen, the Woodcutter (Paul Johansson) makes an appearance.

Episode 8: "Henry anxiously prepares to take Violet to the school dance."  Way to throw in a mundane plotline.

Episode 9: Rumplestiltskin steals the newborn child of hill-climbers Jack (Nick Hunnings) and Jill.

Episode 11: Pinocchio usually bounces back between age 10 and age 30, with nothing in between, but here we see a teenage version (Rustin Gresluk, right).

Episode 12: Prince Charming's back story comes with Matt Ellis as Francisco.

Episode 13: Beowulf (Torstein Bjorklund), from the Old English epic, shows up in the Ogre Wars, making a deal with Rumplestiltskin.  Plus Brandon Spink as yet another incarnation of Rumple's son Baelfire.

















Episode 15: Vikings, cowboys, Prince Eric (Gil McKinney, left), who married Ariel the Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Captain Nemo, and of course Aesop (Thomas Cadrot), the ancient Greek storyteller, who was probably a real person.

Episode 16: Gideon, the son of Rumple and Belle (Gilles Mathey, left, as an adult, Anton Starkman as a kid), is captured by the Black Fairy, who happens to be his grandmother.  He bonds with fellow captive Roderick, and they escape together.  Gay subtext, finally!  Roderick is played by Grayson Gabriel (adult) and Mason Mackenzie (kid).

Episode 17: Back to Oz, with Alec Desert as the Tin Man.

After that, the cast is sort of full, so no new characters appear (except Tiger Lily  from Peter Pan.).  But it was a wild ride, with beefcake, bonding, and three lesbian characters.

Season 7 is a complete reboot, with an adult Henry Mills and a new cast facing a new Storybrooke.  I don't know why.