Toy Soldiers: Muscle on Parade

Every once in a while, a movie producer hires all of the teen hunks he can find, puts them in an all-male environment, and orders a script that involves fighting a common adversary with their shirts off, thus ensuring the avid interest of every gay boy in the world: Tom Brown's School Days, Lord of the Flies, White Squall.  In 1991, the movie was Toy Soldiers.

The plot: terrorists take over an elite prep school for the sons of the wealthy and powerful, and take the boys and their headmaster hostage.  The boys use their troublemaking skills to gather intel on the terrorists, and wise-cracking operator Billy Tepper (20-year old Sean, left) sneaks out to brief the adults.

When they turn out to be ineffectual, Billy and his friends, including comic relief Snuffy (21-year old Keith Coogan, middle) and surly bodybuilder Ricky (19-year old George Perez, right), go on the offensive, incapacitating several terrorists, disabling their bomb, and leading the  younger kids to safety, just in time to be "rescued."

Other boys include the rich "jerk" Joey (19-year old Wil Wheaton, well known for playing Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: the Next Generation).

And T. E. Russell as the pragmatic Hank.

Sean Astin (Billy) was a major teen idol of the period, with roles in The Goonies, The War of the Roses, White Water Summer, and Rudy).  

Keith Coogan (Snuffy) was a former child star with credits in Adventures in Babysitting and The Book of Love.  

There's some buddy-bonding between Billy and Snuffy, but with a large ensemble cast, it's not well developed.

However, heterosexual interest is absent, except for a scene in which Billy confiscates a Playboy from one of the younger kids.  There are references to getting laid and masturbation, but no one mentions a girlfriend or a desire for girls.

Absence of expressed heterosexual desire is almost unheard-off in a teen movie of the 1990s, giving viewers permission to read one or more of the boys -- or all of them -- as gay.

And the parade of underwear-clad, towel-clad, and shirtless teenage muscle (or rather young adult muscle, since all of the actors were over 18) didn't hurt.

"Fire Island": Swishy, Asian, and fat guys face the world of "No fats, no femmes, no Asians" on Fire Island

 

I lived in Manhattan for four years, but visited the gay resort of Fire Island only twice, in the off season.  But I heard stories of the summertime: nonstop bacchanalia, the whole island turning into a bathhouse, the swimming, dancing, and socializing just breathers amid the tricking.  Guys who lived closeted lives back in the city, who rarely hooked up and never dated for fear of Mom or the boss finding out, became intoxicated by the sexual freedom.   So I am expecting the 2022 movie Fire Island to be a sex romp.  

Scene 1 (Thursday): Asian muscle guy wakes up, thinking of that quote from Pride and Prejudice: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."  Well, Austin was wrong: not every man wants a wife.  Cut back to see a black muscle hunk in his bed!  Surprise -- he's gay!  Not really -- I read the synopsis.  Asian muscle guy (Noah, played by Joel Kim Booster) is shocked that last night's trick is still around.  "He had the boyfriend look -- that's not me."  

Noah rushes to get to the dock on time.  He sees his "faggots" beckoning furiously from the ferry.  "Don't cancel me," he cautions. "I'm reclaiming it."   

They are all 30-ish queens who flutter and carry handbags and call each other "girlfriend."  He explains: they all met ten years ago, when they were working at a brunch spot in Williamsburg: "Bottomless mimosas."  

1.-2. Luke and Keegan (back row left), a couple, I think, dropped out of film school.

3. Max (back row right), a little chunky, reading a biography of Marilyn Albright, is super-smart but a bit of a downer.

4. Howie, his best friend (front row right), has a cushy job in San Francisco, but returns for the Fire Island trip every year.  They bonded over the anti-Asian prejudice they experienced in the gay community. 

Hey, there are five friends, and there are five Bennett sisters in Pride and Prejudice.  Could there be a connection?

Noah takes his shirt off, but doesn't draw any attention from the other guys on the ferry.   Although he's a muscle-hunk, he still has trouble hooking up in a culture that values whiteness, thinness, and masculinity: "No fats, no fems, no Asians." He's two out of the three!

Scene 3: They arrive at Fire Island, and drag their "hello, kitty" luggage all the way up to the beach house.  Most of the men they pass are cruising everyone -- except them.  Howie tries a "hello," and is told "No, thanks."  This seems a little harsh.  Surely someone on Fire Island is into feminine men! 

They are greeted with "Bitch!  I thought I smelled some bottoms!" by their lesbian fag hag friend, Erin.  (It's ok, I'm reclaiming it).  Noah explains: ten years ago she accidentally ate a piece of glass at an Olive Garden, got a huge settlement, and bought the house where they all spend a week every summer.

Scene 4: Noah and Howie smoking and drinking.  Howie is upset because Fire Island is all about hooking up, and he wants a boyfriend.  Noah scoffs: monogamy was invented by heterosexual men to maintain control over their wives' bodies.  Gay people are free from all that nonsense; so just pick a dick or two, and have at it!  Ten to one they get together. 

Howie also states that he's never had sex.  A cute, young guy living in San Francisco wants sex but can't find a partner?  Impossible!  Just walk down the street; you'll be cruised a dozen times.  I'm over 60, living in a small town on the Plains, and if I want "Mr. Right Now," I just have to go on Grindr for about 20 minutes.  

Howie agrees to let Noah set him up with a trick.  Except he has to be a nice guy.  

Scene 5: Plot complication: Mama Erin reveals to the "girls" that she's broke, so she has to sell the house.  They're too poor to come unless they get free lodging, so this will be their last week on Fire Island, ever.  

I'll stop the scene-by-scene there.  You just need to know that:

1. This movie is heftier than I expected, centering on the problems that feminine and Asian men face in a gay culture that denigrates or fetishizes them.  

2. There are lots of parallels with Pride and Prejudice.  It's easy to identify Noah as Elizabeth Bennett, Howie as Jane, Will (Conrad Riccamora, left) as Mr. Darcy, and Charlie (James Scully) as Mr. Bingley.  

3. And there's all of the foam parties, underwear parties, fetish parties, dark room hookups, beach hookups, veranda hookups, and behind-the-bushes hookups that you remember (or heard about).  I didn't think that such things still happened in the era of Grindr, and in fact Noah loses his cell phone right away, giving his erotic machinations a distinctly nostalgic feel. 

My Grade: A.

"The Villains of Valley View": Classic Disney Teencom about a Supervillain Family in Hiding

 

A sitcom commonplace sends people with magical or arcane powers to live in the mundane world, where "my secret"-type gay subtexts abound.  But usually they are the good guys.  In the Disney teencom The Villains of Valley View (2022-) they're villains; a family of supervillains in hiding. Can I still hope for gay subtexts?

Scene 1: The nuclear family watching tv: mom, teenage son (Reed Horstman, below), teenage daughter, preteen son.  Dad (James Patrick Stewart, left) brings out popcorn.  Ugh, what a cliche.  No one ever actually eats popcorn while watching tv.  

Daughter complains: "Is this what our life is now?" "Yep, this is what regular families do."  

Doorbell.  They get into fighting mode, but remember that they have to act "regular."  Mom announces what everybody knows: "It's our landlady, Cecilia, and her teenage granddaughter, Hartley."  They invite themselves in for Family Movie Night, and pepper the family with questions about where they're from and why they moved to....of all the places to hide, they picked...ugh...Texas, the worst place in the world! 

Scene 2: Flashback to Centropolis, two weeks ago.  In their evil headquarters, the 13-year old Colby (Malachi Barton) is depressed because his superpowers haven't come in yet.  In other news, Mom was passed over for the promotion to the Council of Evil Villains.  Daughter Amy (supervillain name Havoc) is so upset that she rushes out to confront the Big Boss.  

Scene 3: Landlady and granddaughter leave (in a pleasant surprise, the teenage son never once comments on her hotness).  The family discusses why they have to be incognito:  the Council of Evil Villains is after us.  They don't like deserters?  Plus their attempts to take over the world raised the ire of many superheroes, not to mention mundane law enforcement.  

Scene 4: At the high school, Amy plans to use her sonic powers to get revenge on the math teacher for giving her Fs (because her answers are all "can't read the paper of the girl next to me").  Her brother Jake (supervillain name Chaos) disapproves, because using superpowers means risking exposure.  He suggests that she become a better person by doing non-villainous things like making friends.  Just then Hartley (landlady's granddaughter) walks by.  "No way!  She's nice, and friendly, and always sees the best in people.  That's everything I despise!"

Too late: Jake pushes them together! I'm pleased that the plot arc involves Amy befriending Hartley, not Jake dissolving into a pool of hormones over her.

Scene 5: At home, Dad is fiddling with a device to trap enemies in another dimension.  He's also built a secret lair in the basement.  Mom points out that he's supposed to be retired. 

Surprise!  The 13-year old Colby finally got his superpower: he's a shape-shifter!  They all rush out to watch him use his power to "scare the pants off the locals."  

Scene 6: In the living room after school.  Jake (left) and Amy wait for Hartley to appear: "Remember, control your villain instincts.  Be...um, what's the word?  Oh, yeah: nice."  

Hartley tries to sell Amy on the Sunshine Club, a community service group with stupid hats.  Then it's time for Keeping Up with the Supes: a superhero reality program.  Her favorite is Starling, who happens to be Amy's arch-nemesis.  As Hartley continues to praise Starling and laugh at Amy's villain persona, Havoc, Amy runs into the kitchen and grabs the interdimensional trapper.  Jake tries to take it out of her hand, and...uh-oh.

Scene 7: Mom and Dad return, with Colby as a dog.  Jake and Amy explain the situation.  Suddenly Grandma Cecilia arrives, looking for Hartley.  To stall while Dad invents a device to bring her back, Mom forces Colby to shapeshift into her.  He hates being a girl, with the dress and the boobs.  Please tell me he doesn't find it humiliating.    To make matters worse, it's time for Hartley 's dentist appointment!  

Scene 8: The return-device is finished.  Someone has to go to the other dimension and rescue Hartley.  Dad asks Jake, but he refuses.  Doesn't want to save the girl?  A pleasant change of pace.  Amy volunteers, but she takes the wrong device, so she's stuck there until someone comes to save them both.

Scene 9: It's a creepy dimension full of floating boulders that intermittently hurl themselves at your head.  Amy uses her powers to destroy one, which makes Hartley realize that she's the supervillain Havoc.

Amy explains why they can't go back: after Mom failed to get the promotion, she was so upset that she used a sonic blast on Onyx, the head of the evil council!  Onyx then ordered her minions to destroy the family!

Scene 9:  Jake reluctantly rescues the girls.  They burst into the living room, but Colby/Hartley is there, too!  Seeing two of her granddaughter, Cecilia naturally becomes suspicious. But they dissimulate, and Hartley decides to keep their secret. 

Scene 10: Hartley and Amy bonding on the front porch.  What happened to the dentist appointment?

Beefcake: None.  No beefcake photos of the actors online, except, oddly, Malachi Barton.

Heterosexism: None.

Gay Characters:  Jake never expresses any heterosexual interest, but there are several girls his age in the cast list, so doubtless there was no time in an Amy-centric episode.  Amy and Hartley might have a gay subtext going on.  

A boy named Milo appears in several episodes as a snoop who suspects the family's secret.  He may be gay or gay-vague.

My Grade:  This is a classic Disney teencom, very similar to style and tone to The Wizards of Waverly Place 10 years ago.  Malachi Barton even looks like Jake T. Austin, the stand-out star of that series (left, recent photo).  There are also hints of other organized-superhero sitcoms, like The Thundermans and Henry Danger.  But this isn't really aimed at viewers who have seen those other shows.  It's for kids in junior high, who come home from school and turn on the Disney Channel, and everything is fresh and new.  I remember those day.  B

See also: The Wizards of Waverly Place

"Dead End: Paranormal Park": LGBT and Neurodivergent Teens Fight Demons

Netflix has a good track record of including gay/lesbian characters in its animated series, so when Dead End: Paranormal Park popped into my recommendations, I reviewed the first episode.

Prologue: A woman in a red dress and high-heeled shoes runs toward an old mansion, chased by an invisible presence.  She runs inside, up some stairs, and into a hall of mirrors.  Where she is attacked by a zombie version of herself!

Scene 1: A pastel-colored suburban street.  A boy with a tuft of purple hair and a bulbous red nose (Zach Barack) gets dressed and looks at an flier: "Humans wanted for job at Dead End in Phoenix Park."

Meanwhile, three houses down, a girl is preening in front of a mirror in a room cluttered with pictures of the red-dress woman.  On tv, people are discussing how photographs capture your soul.

Scene 2: Mom tells the boy that his job interview --- "at sundown" -- conflicts with Grandma coming  to dinner tonight.  "Did you tell her Barney would be there?" he asks.  "She wouldn't understand," Mom counters. Is Barney, like, a boyfriend? And out into the pastel world, accompanied by a chubby dog named Pugsley.

Meanwhile, three doors down, the girl fights off her mom's excessive hugging and kissing and goes out into the pastel world herself.  She has a copy of the job flier.

Scene 3: They get on the bus together.  They're the same age and live close by, but she doesn't know him.  She gets all "stranger danger" frightened, and when he calls her by her name -- Norma -- she attacks.  "Wait -- we know each other.  We go to school together.  We're lab partners."  Turns out that Norma is neurodiverse, so when she sees someone she knows in an unusual environment, she doesn't recognize him.  

The boy's name turns out to be Barney. Maybe he's transgender, and Grandma insists on calling him by his deadname?   

The red-dress woman appears on tv: famous actress Pauline Phoenix, explaining that she built a theme park with five zones based upon her movies and tv shows.   "And if you see anything suspicious, keep it to yourself."  Gulp.

Scene 4: At Phoenix Park -- you enter through the mouth of a giant Pauline Phoenix head.  Gulp.  A parody of Disneyland, except instead of Cinderella's Castle, it's dominated by the Dead End, the haunted house that Pauline was attacked in earlier.  It's been closed, Norma tells us, since one of the park's Pauline impersonators vanished a year ago.  So the woman in the Prologue must have been a Pauline impersonator.

When they enter Dead End, a small orange demon with a tubular head appears: "Welcome, mortals.  You two must be the offerings.  I didn't realize that there'd be choices."  Wait -- aren't you the one who sent the fake fliers? Why did you send two, if you didn't expect two victims?

Various scary beings appear, I am particularly freaked out by a human figure with a sheet wrapped around its head and a pice of paper pinned to its face.  Barney catches on that this is not an ordinary job interview, but Norma, still oblivious, asks "Does this job come with benefits?"  "Blood made of fire," the orange demon tells her.  "Immortality."

Temeluchus the Demon King ascends from the underworld in an elevator.  Orange Demon tells him that she brought two humans.  "They'd both make excellent new bodies for you.  Which do you prefer?"  

The Demon King chooses Barney, but just as the green protusion streteches across to him, the dog Pugsley intervenes.  Now he is trapped in the dog's body!  Orange Demon argues that she provided bodies -- it's not her fault that Demon King chose the wrong one -- so can she be released from the curse and go home?  "No." Demon King/Pugsley flies off to find a throne, so he can rule this world.

Scene 5: Barney follows to save his dog.  Norma stays behind to interrogate the Orange Demon (named Courtney): the only way to get Temeluchus out of the dog is to trap him in a new vessel.  Fortunately, Norma remembers from earlier today that photographs capture your soul.

Barney and Norma find the Demon King/Pugsley sitting on a throne in the Medieval section of the park, Camelot Court.   They try to take photographs, but he crushes their cell phones. But Medieval section's log ride takes your picture automatically.  They just need to lure him onto the ride, and stay alive long enough....

Scene 6: The plan worked -- Demon King is trapped in a photograph.  They return to the Dead End house and give it to Orange Demon.  A lot of demons are going to be upset over the loss of their king, and come after her for revenge.  Would they like real jobs at the park, as demon busters?  Of course -- otherwise be lousy story.

Norma goes home. Barney stays behind; he wants to stay overnight in the Dead End house.  To avoid his transphobic  Grandma?  The dog Pugsley has been changed by his encounter with Demon King -- he's sentient!  He can talk!  The end.

LGBT Characters: If I hadn't done any research, I would not have caught the hint that Barney is transgender.  Maybe they are more overt in future episodes.

The series is based upon the Deadendia graphic novels by Hamish Steele, which also feature a trans boy protagonist and a neurodiverse sidekick (and bulbous noses and tufts of blue hair).  Several voice artists are LGBT, including Zack Barack (Barney) and Miss Coco Peru (Pauline Phoenix). 

Heterosexism:  Norma seems attracted to Barney.  She invites him to dinner with a red-faced embarrasment.  But apparently Barney gets a boyfriend later on.

Runanway: I don't understand why Barney doesn't want to go home.  Grandma may be transphobic, but Mom seems fine.  I didn't notice any hints of abuse.

Neurodivergent:  That should actually be explained. Otherwise it makes no sense for Norma to fail to recognize someone who she sees all the time.

The Hall of Mirrors: The opening, with Pauline or one of her impersonators being attacked in a hall of mirrors, seems unconnected to the plot about the Demon King.  Barney walks through the same hall with no mishaps, not even a scare.

My Grade: B+.