Off Campus: Hannah must choose between a hocky star with a backside and a bad boy with tats. Plus a gay bestie and fratboy c*cks

Link to the n*de photos

Apparently the success of Heated Rivalry has started a trend. Producers thought, "Ok, viewers want to see more hockey players," not "viewers want to see more gay romance," so we're getting a lot of hockey player hetero romance.  I'm watching Off Campus (2026), on Amazon Prime, in spite of the annoying commercial breaks, in case there's a  gay character -- or some dicks.

Scene 1:Hockey Star Garrett (Belmont Cameli, left)  puts on his uniform, listens to "Dancing By Myself," and practices, while Hannah does janitorial work, listening to the same song.  

Finished, he takes off his shirt -- the tattoo says Nullum Gratuitum Prandium, "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch," which presumably will become important later.  He langorously showers.  Hannah, wearing headphones, can't hear the shower, and accidentally sees his backside -- and his front, when he turns around.  She hurriedly exits, grinnng.

Belmont states in an interview, "Obviously I'm being sexualized to some extent, but I never felt exploited." 

Scene 2:  90% of viewers tune in to see Cameli's backside (and hopefully front), so they got it out of the way. Now we can get on to the plot.  At a hoity-toity university, the philosophy professor explains to the class that C means C, so 70% of the students got C+ or lower on their papers.  Hannah's gay bff Dexter (Miles Gutierrez-Riley, the boyfriend on Agatha All Along) complains that it's a jock class, so why should he bother?  Philosophy is a jock class?

Jock Beau (Khobe Maxwell, who played a gay guy in Cruel Intentions), looks at his grade and wonders if he can still drop the class.  His bro, Garrett from Scene 1, points out that they need it for their major, but not to worry, the coach will talk to the prof about "creative grading."  

When I was an undergrad, every student had to take a philosophy class.  I took "Modern Philosophy." assuming that it would be, like, modern.  Nope, it was about Kant, Hume, and Berkeley (pronounced Barkeley; that's the only thing I remember from the class).

BFF Dexter gawks at them: "Jocks -- so pretty, so entitled."

"Aren't you above stereotypes?"

"Girl, I'm beneath stereotypes."  He takes another look at  Beau.  "Maybe behind."  This will become important for shipping later.

Hannah got an A, but tells BFF Dexter that her grade was "not good."  Hockey Star Garrett looks over her shoulder and exclaims "You aced it!"  This angers Hannah, for some reason.  You forgot to complain that "He's arrogant!"

Scene 3: On the way out, BFF Dexter points out bad-boy music major Justin Kohl (Josh Heuston, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends), Hannah's crush  Their third friend joins them and asked if Hannah has made a move yet.  "He doesn't know who I am.  Am I supposed to fling myself at him?"  "Yes!!!"

Hockey Star Garrett joins them.  After they criticize him for being rich and goodlooking, he tells Hannah that he's failing the class, and wants her help on the next assignment, n oral presentation.  "Nope." Why not?  Just because he's arrogant?  

"But you owe me for the sneak peek.  Tons of girls would have paid for that view."  What about guys, heteronormative jerk?

Scene 4: Hannah leaves them to bike across the campus of Briar University (actually the University of British Columbia).  She stops at Kaufman Center, where Professor Daveed (Brandon Scott, left), is conducting the student orchestra.  He glares at her for being late.

After class tells her that her scholarship for the year has been cut.  Not because she was late, because the government thinks that the fine arts are useless.

"But this is the third week of the semester!  My only hope of staying in school is to get another scholarship!" 

There aren't any other classical music composition scholarships, but what if she changes her major to performance?  Nope, she's a lousy clarinet player.  

So what about pop music composition?  Lots of scholarships there, given out at the Pop Music Showcase

"I can write pop music.  How hard can it be?"  Famous last words.

Scene 5: The frat house.  The guys, Tucker, Dean, and Logan (Jalen Thomas Brooks, Stephen Kalyn, Antonio Cipriano) are bickering as they prepare for the party tonight.  There are shirtless shots and discussions of cooking.  

Hockey Star Garrett comes in later, when the party is already going on.  Tucker is cooking "dippables."  Dean is kissing a girl.  Other party guests are playing video games and...chess?  I thought frat parties were all beer pong and hetero bedroom stuff.  

They criticize Hockey Star Garrett's taste in music -- it's old-fashioned, from the 1990s. So he's a pop music fan.  Maybe he and Hannah can help each other.

Meanwhile, at Malone's, Bad Boy Justin and his band are performing, while Hannah, working the bar, is having a fantasy about him.  Her friend asks what she's going to compose for the Pop Showcase: "Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga?"

"I'm more Taylor."

"So be Taylor, and go talk to your crush, Bad Boy Justin."  

He's singing "A little less talking, a little more 'touch me," which is basically what Olivia Newton John sang in "Physical," and Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady.

Never do I ever want to hear another word
There isn't one I haven't heard
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream
Say one more word and I'll scream

"Nope, I'm too scared." 

"Ok, then.  Everybody is going to the Block Party tomorrow.  You can talk to him then."  They have block parties at universities?

More after the break

Daniel Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock.

Link to the colossal Colossus cock

Canadian actor Dan Cudmore has 51 credits on the IMDB, including Peter Rasputin, aka Colossus, in the X-Men franchise, Felix in the Twilight franchise, Jackhammer in Arrow, Gridlock in The Flash, and Behemoth Thing in Superman & Lois.

He specializes in superheroes and supervillains like Colossus, but he's done other projects.  I first saw him in Magicians, as the God of War.  Apprised that a gay-stereotype god called the Nameless is looking for something the other gods stole from him, he responds "I don't know what it is, but you have my permission to search my ball sack with your tongue."  Sure, that sounds like fun, I'd be happy to...oh, you're being homophobic.

I know he's just playing a character, but still, his homophobic quip left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

His other projects include comedies like Fresh Off the Boat, romcoms like All of My Heart (as the romantic lead's friend who devotes his life to getting him laid, and horror like Rites of Passage, which appears to have a gay subtext -- not his. 

Also 14 stunt credits including Psych, The Predator, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

And a stunt cock at least once.

Some fitness modeling from early in his career

More Daniel after the break

"Workaholics Episode 3.7: Bodybuilders for the Lord turn out to be gay, so the guys try to help. With Kali Cock.

 

Ready for another analysis of a Workaholics episode condemned as homophobic: two members of the Lord's Squad, religious muscle men, stay with the guys.  They turn out to be gay, causing...um, mixed reactions.  But maybe it will be turn out to be gay-positive.  

Link to NSFW version

Scene 1: The guys are hiding in a supply closet at work, watching The Lord's Force, bodybuilders who perform strength stunts.  "How did these buffed dudes escape my radar?" Blake wonders. Their interest in hot guys has never been more obvious.  

The Lord's Force is performing in town tomorrow. Adam wants to watch the show, then try out.  Der protests that the show is religious, and Adam doesn't believe in anything. 

"I'm very religious!  Father, Son, whatever.  Noah's ark, two animals having sex."

Scene 2: The show is sold out. They try to get in by claiming to be bad people who need salvation:  Doesn't work. Darn, I wanted to see the actual show.

Scene 3: They wait outside until two members of the Lord's Force, Ram and Samson (Adam Dunnells, Scott Connors), come out.  Adam begs them to go out for a beer with him.  Wait -- Evangelicals don't drink. 

Scene 4: At the bar, drinking shots. Ram and Samson go out to smoke. The guys don't smoke, but decide that it would be cool, so they rush out to find Ram and Samson.. .kissing?  They are shocked.

Of course, bodybuilders can't be gay, so the guys figure that they're just good buddies, checking o each other's breath, so they are ready to "kiss hot chicks"?  

Their manager, Rev. Troy, pulls up.  This is a homophobic squad -- the guys are busted!  They claim that they are playing "gay chicken," where straight guys try to out-gay each other. Der demonstrates by moving in for a kiss with Adam, who backs away. "You lost!"

Rev. Troy asks God what to do about "the gay thing."  God says "Fire them." But they'll be stranded in a strange town in the middle of a tour. 

Scene 5: The guys are letting Ram and Samson stay with them.  They offer a "proposition." Misunderstanding, thinking that they want sex, Samson insists that they are not gay.  "No, of course you're not gay, Dudes with giant muscles are never gay." 

"Maybe I am gay," Ram says.  "I'm just really confused right now." Is he really "questioning," or pretending so he can stay in the closet.

Easy way to find out if you're gay: kiss.  If you don't feel anything, you're not gay.  Ram and Samson start kissing, and end up pawing all over each other. The guys are shocked, but double-down. "Ok, you've proven that you're not gay.  You can stop kissing now."

On to the proposition: let's start a Lord's Force. Samson and Ram aren't sure.

More after the break

"You're the Worst": A homophobic rapper hooks up with a swhshy gay stereotype. Plus Zac Efron and some bare butts

  

While I was researching something else, I came across this clip on youtube: 

A blond guy and a woman are standing at an apartment.  He asks "He never gave you the key?"  She says no, so he bangs.  

A very muscular black guy in his underwear answers. Shocked, he says "Oh...shit.  Hey guys."

Blondie: "What the hell are you doing?"   

Muscle Guy: "Sorry.  We needed a place."

Woman: "For what?"

A swishy guy appears with a flourish, also in his underwear.  They stare in shock.  

Woman (Disgusted): "You're GAY????"

Muscle Guy (Upset): "No!!!!!  But this n-word's son sucks really good dick."  So the gay guy has a black parent?

The whole exchange -- the looks of shock and disgust, the need to defend yourself against the horrifying accusation, the gay guy's pronounced swishiness --- displays just the sort of jaw-dropping homophobia that I hate running into at 4:00 am.

The caption reads: You're the Worst - Brandon Mychal Smith.  So let's look it up. 

You're the Worst is a tv series that lasted for five years on FX (2014-2019), but was so under-exposed that I don't recall seeing a single commercial.  Most episodes drew between .2 and .5 million viewers.  It featured a romance between two horrible people, writer Jimmy (Chris Geere, the Blond Guy in the clip) and public relations person Gretchen.  

The homophobic scene is from Episode 1.3, "Keys Open Doors."  To put it in context, I watched the whole episode. 

Link to NSFW version.

Scene 1: Morning.  After a night of carousing, Jimmy and Gretchen are lying naked, asleep, on the ground outside his house.

Cut to Jimmy pooping (butt shot) while Gretchen uses the hand nozzle of the shower to masturbate.  Jimmy notes that he uses it too, in his butt.

They've spent six or seven nights together, so Gretchen wants a key to his apartment.  He refuses, so she rushes out in passive-aggressive rage. 

Scene 2: Edgar (Desmin Borges, left and below), Jimmy's horrible roommate, cooks breakfast.  They discuss the key request as a symbol of banality and predictability, leading to "shopping for sconces at Williams-Sonoma."

Scene 3: At the coffee shop, Gretchen and her friend Lindsay discuss the key request,  Lindsay's husband cheating, and "snorting in her vag."  So she's bisexual?  

Her assistant rushes in with a crisis: Sam the Rapper gave an interview to a college newspaper, and used "gay" and "faggot" 37 times!   And the interviewer was the president of the gay student association!  So, if he said all that to a straight person, it would be fine?

Scene 4: Gretchen left her cell phone at Jimmy's house.  He snoops, and finds a text from Ty (Stephen Schneider, left), saying "Can't wait to see you tonight."  "Who the hell is Ty?" he bellows.

Cut to Gretchen at work, confronting Sam the Rapper. He explains that he and his crew were trying to pick up college girls, when this dude asked for an interview.  

"Didn't you notice that he was gay?" Yeah, like gay men are all instantly recognizable due to their fruitiness.

"He was hella fruity, but so what?"

\

"No more interviews without me being there!"

Scene 5:  Jimmy goes to Gretchen's office to return her cell phone.  On the way out, he runs into Sam the Rapper, who liked his book: "It was boring as hell, and clearly you jacked off to Hemingway in high school, but the prose was good."  

Then they discuss how great Gretchen is.  Jimmy decides that she should get the key to his house after all, and gives it to Sam the Rapper to give to her.

Scene 6: At a gay bar (you can tell by the rainbow flags everywhere), Darren (Trey Gerrald), the guy who interviewed Sam the Rapper, is having a swishy comversation about hair-weaves.  The 1960s stereotype even has a limp wrist!   Gretchen asks him to not mention the slurs "gay" and "faggot" in his article, but he refuses: "We're at the start of a revolution.  You won't say the n-word, but people feel free to say 'faggot' whenever you want."  Um..that was Stonewall, 54 years ago, and saying "faggot" will get you called out, and maybe fired.  What year do they think this is?

She tries flirting with him, but it doesn't work.  Um...did you think that 'gay' means 'fruity heterosexual'?  What about $2000 hush money?  Ok, that works. 

Scene 7: Night.  Jimmy tails Gretchen, hoping to find her screwing this Ty guy. Wait -- did they agree to be monogamous?  He follows her to a bar, where she's having drinks with her friends (including Jimmy's roommate!).  Why wasn't he invited?  She explains that some people he hates are there, including his ex-girlfriend.

As they are arguing, Ty arrives with his date.  So they're just friends?  Jimmy is relieved -- until Ty whispers in Gretchen's ear "I need to see you soon."  I'll bet it's something innocent, like he wants to hire Gretchen to do his pr.

Scene 8: After the party, Jimmy and Gretchen head back to his house.  Remember that Jimmy gave Sam the Rapper a key to give to her?  She never got it.  But that was Jimmy's only key!  They bang on the door, and we get Sam the Rapper and Darren's "you're gay????" scene.

Now I understand their shock -- they thought that Sam the Rapper was homophobic -- and his need to defend himself -- he is homophobic.  But I still don't like the old-fashioned, pre-Stonewall depiction of gay men.

As far as I can tell, Sam's same-sex interests are never mentioned again, but Jimmy has sex with two guys to mess with Gretchen.  Actual gay people appear in only two episodes.

I thought Brandon Mychal Smith was gay real life, but when you google his name and "gay," all you get is  Zac Efron in Dirty Grandpa.  

There are several bare butts on the NSFW version of this review

See also: Stephen Schneider's Extensive Nude Scene

Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid

"School of Rock": Goth Drag, a gay-vague kid, a homophobic kid, and Demi Lovato.

 

Some 13 years after School of Rock (2003), a teencom version premiered on Nickelodeon: School of Rock (2016-2018), with Tony Cavalero playing Dewey, a failed musician turned middle school teacher with a special interest in winning the "Battle of the Bands."

 In 2016 Nickelodeon was still promoting the "all kids are heterosexual" myth, so I doubt that there is any LGBTQ representation. But I'll review the episode where Dewey dresses in drag as a scary Goth lady.  It may be Episode 1.7.

The NSFW version, with some naked guys (over 18, of course) is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Scene 1: Four kids and Dewey performing, while the others in the classroom watch -- from behind them?   Dewey explains that rock is about showmanship more than music: strut your stuff!  Freddie (Ricardo Hurtado, top photo) does a guitar zing.  Lawrence (Aidan Miner, below) demonstrates that he can play the keyboard with his butt, so Dewey calls him "Lawrence von Butthoven." Emphasizing one's butt is a queer code.  Summer (Jade Pettyjohn) has her face painted onto her tambourine. Lead singer Tomika is hiding.  

Dewey demonstrates the signature moves of Mick Jagger and  Miley Cyrus (a rock musician?).  Zack (Lance Lim) asks him not to twerk. It would be too erotic for middle school, anyway, but interesting that the boy emphasizes that he definitely doesn't want to see a man being erotic.  You got a problem with gay men, Zack?

Scene 2: Dewey wants to know why Tomika was hiding during practice: she's embarrassed by the funny faces she makes while performing. He points out that her favorite singer, Demi Lovato, is shy in real life, but when she goes on stage, she becomes a confident rocker (These guys have a different definition of "rock").

To boost her confidence, Dewey claims that he knows Lovato and will call and tell her all about Tomika.  Whoops, he's doesn't even know who Demi Lovato is!  He's in trouble now!

Scene 3: Zack and Freddie ooze with horniness over Tomika's new style.  Lawrence thinks they're talking about him (gay joke, har har): "Thanks.  I went with my Superman underwear today."

"We can't actually see your underwear."  Would things be different if you could see it, guys?

Scene 4:  Dewey teaches science, too.  The textbook says that he was wrong: lightning is not caused by two angels having a fistfight.  I'm sure he was joking. After five seconds of science, they scoot the desks aside and start practicing. The newly confident Tomika wants them to play Demi Lovato's "Heart Attack."  

Lawrence asks if it's cool for dudes to like Lovato (that is, does liking Lovato mean that you're gay). They assure him that it's fine (e.g., heterosexual).

Tomika tells the band that Dewey and Lovato are besties, and hang out together all the time.  "Sure, when she's in town," Dewey says, hoping that she's far away.  Of course, she happens to be in town, playing the Texas Memorial.  This show is set in Texas?  Ugh, I spent the worst year of my life in Hell-for-Certain, Texas.  That's enough to get a F grade.

The band pleads with Dewey to get Lovato to listen to them play.  Like, sure, even if they were friends, the big star wouldn't want to spend her time off reviewing a middle school band.  She'd want to see the sights, if there are any in...ugh, Texas.

Scene 5: Dewey at Lovato's hotel, trying to bribe the desk clerk with "a prescription for fungal medicine."  Lawrence happens to be staying there; he's on his way to a couple's massage -- with his Mom.  "Gay men are all in love with their mother." Rather a homophobic queer code, but I'll take it.

Scene 6:  Tomika has turned aggressive and demanding: they've practiced the song 15 times, but it's still not good enough.  Plus their outfits and props look like they belong in a middle school.  Well, to be fair, Lawrence doesn't actually play his keyboard.  He just mashes his hands down on several keys at once. 

  They try it with disco ball motorcycle helmets, Tomika emerging from a barrel of ink, and a wind machine that destroys everything.  Instantaneous props!  I'm in a 1950s sitcom.  Tomika screams that they're not worthy of her great song.

Scene 7: The band and three non-speaking characters, including Damarion Hall, eating in the cafeteria and refusing to let Tomika join them. The diva assumes it's because they are upset over not being good enough.

Scene 8: Dewey is rushing to the men's room, figeting, when Tomika stops him. Great, now I'm thinking about Tony Cavalero's penis. She wants to know why everyone in the band is angry, when she's just trying to push them into being worthy of her.  He suggests that she not try to be exactly like Lovato: be brave like her, but still Tomika. 

Tomika's friend was eavesdropping, and tells the guys why she is acting so weird: she's afraid of looking silly on stage. 

Scene 9:  The solution: practice hard so they'll be worthy...wait, isn't the solution for everyone to make silly faces while performing, so she knows it isn't a big deal?  But no, they just practice without her until they're good enough.  Weird!  And what happened to the plotline of Dewey pretending to know Demi Lovato?  

Ok, here we go: Dewey comes in wearing Goth drag.  The kids are all shocked.  He swishes around, pretending to be Demi Lovato, but they see through his disguise instantly.  Zack: "I had a nightmare exactly like this once."  Yes, Zack, gay men give you nightmares, we get it.

Dewey comes clean: he doesn't really know Demi Lovato.  But as it turns out, Lawrence does: "I met her at the hotel. We're breakfast buddies.  She said we could get tickets to her show anytime."  So, why didn't you mention this before?  Oh, right, everyone forgot about the A Plot.

Whoops, her last show is tonight, and it's starting soon, in the middle of a school day!  They rush to the van.  Tomika stays behind to tell Dewey how much she appreciated his help.  He starts to cry, comments that he should have gone with the waterproof mascara, and tells himself to "Man up!"  The end.  Darn, I thought for sure the real Demi Lovato would interact with Dewey in drag. 

Beefcake: None.  Huerta bulked up later.  Here's Kendall Schmidt, who played Justin in four episodes.

Heterosexism: Every character is involved in one or more heterosexual romances during the course of the series, but not here.

Gay Subtexts: Awareness of gay men informs the jokes throughout. 

Zack displays a homophobic discomfort.  

Lawrence plays the "is he or isn't he?" game.

 Dewey merely draws attention to himself as a sexual being. 

My Grade: Well, it's a Nickelodeon teencom: don't get your hopes up.  It missed some obvious jokes, and where the heck is Demi Lovato?  But the many gay references pushed it up. B-.

Don't forget to check out the NSFW version.

"The White Lotus": A Shockingly Homophobic Portrayal of a Gay Man, Created, Written, and Directed by the Devil

 

I lived in Florida for four years, and never went near the beach.  You'll never get me on a boat.  Even going over a bridge pushes up my anxiety level.  So I wasn't sure about the HBO Max series White Lotus, set in a beach resort in Italy.  But someone told me that there were gay characters in Season 2, so here goes....

Scene 1: A beach resort featuring bikini models sitting under umbrellas.  A woman with her breasts hanging out of her swimsuit starts a conversation with two women who just arrived from America.  She's leaving in a few hours, but she praises the hotel, the staff, the food, and the wine.  So she spent her entire trip on a beach that looks like every beach everywhere?  Why not try to actually see the country?  Her semi-bare butt goes into the water for one last swim -- and she bumps into a dead body!

Cut to hotel staff Rocco and Valencia watching body bags being hauled away.  Several bodies of guests have turned up!

Scene 2:  A week earlier.  Two heterosexual couples on a boat, one distant and arguing, the other snuggling, kissing, and nose-rubbing.  Then a depressed woman, Allora, walking through town.  Her friend Mia asks what's wrong: "Massimo has a new girlfriend, and I'm jealous."  Mia drags her away: it's almost time for the boat to arrive.  So is this a flashback in a flashback, before the girls get on the boat with the heterosexual couples?

A boat arriving while the staff waves.  "Smiles, everyone, smiles!'   Allora and Mia look on from afar, wondering which one "he" is.  He who?  A new boyfriend met on Tinder?

Down on the dock, Employee Valencia tells the Old Guy: "I'm surprised you are here.  It's a long way from L.A., and you are quite old."  Way to insult your guests!  Next an unidentified older-younger same-sex couple; Cameron (Theo James, above) and wife, the kissing, nose-rubbing couple); Ethan (Will Sharpe, left) and wife, the distant, arguing couple (he forces her to drink wine); and a flowsy rich lady with a hundred suitcases, Ms. McQuaid. "I am your host, Mr. Roarke.  Welcome to Fantasy Island." 

Scene 3:  The White Lotus resort is in an  old hilltop convent, nowhere near the beach -- but with a view of Mount Etna. What kind of beachside resort is this, where you have to take a bus to get to the beach?

  Employee Rocco tells the two couples, who are apparently all friends, the story of the testi morti: a Moor came to Sicily and seduced a local woman.  When she discovered that he had a wife and kids back home, she cut off his head. It's a warning for husbands not to cheat. 

Then he shows  them that the two rooms connect through a secret doorway.  Ethan is up for wife-swapping, but his wife disapproves: "We won't be using that."   When the kissing, nose-rubbing couple leave, Ethan starts yelling at her.  Jerk! Not into it means not into it.

Meanwhile, the older-younger same-sex couple turn out to be father Dominic and young adult son Albie (Adam DiMarco), traveling with Grandpa Bert, who flirts with a female employee until the others reigns them in.  They're here to visit their ancestral town. 

So far the only potentially gay guest is Albie, so I'll fast-forward to his story.

Minute 24: Albie gets out of the pool (nice chest shot, but every other guy in the vicinity is fully clothed0.  He sits down next to Portia, a teenage girl who just got off the phone with a friend telling her to "get some dicks" while on vacation.  SHe starts crying because "they" have half a billion dollars but won't let her have any fun.  Albie consoles her.

Minute 46: They kiss.  Ok, so Albie is straight.  All of the other guests are married, hetero-horny, or both.  Who is the gay one?

Research reveals that he is Quentin, one of those aristocratic, decadent, fey Quentin Crisp types (parents don't know that their kid is gay when he is born, so why do gay guys on tv always have tired stereotype names, like Quentin and Blaine?).  This closeted jerk pays a group of straight men to have sex with him and introduces them as "my nephew and his friends."   He's also a drug addict and a murderer.  Pure homophobic sleaze.  

Wait -- I didn't notice before, but this series is created by, written by, and directed by MIKE WHITE, aka The Devil,  the most disgusting homophobe in Hollywood.  This is the jerk who wrote and starred in Chuck and Buck, about gay relationships being only for adolescents experimenting on their way to a "normal" heterosexual adulthood -- then had the monumental gall to advertise it in gay magazines!  Apparently those poor souls who get stuck in their adolescent "gay phase" turn into decadent, fey drug addicted murderers.

Run away. Run away fast.