The Top Five Buffed Big Brothers of Nuclear Family Sitcoms

 Ever since Tony Dow started flexing as the hunky big brother on Leave It to Beaver (1957-63), nuclear family sitcoms have been juxtaposing shy, weird, un-athletic, intellectual, or otherwise outsider boys and their popular, athletic, muscular, and often dimwitted older brothers.  Sometimes Big Brother is deliberately cast with a bicep boy, but more often it happens organically, as little brother hits the books and big brother hits the gym.  A few recent examples come to mind. Oddly, they are all in gay-free or gay-skittish shows.  I wonder if there is a connection.

1. Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006). Malcolm is a beset-upon genius with two older and a younger brother. Bully Reese (Justin Berfield) turned into a veritable bodybuilder with a strong gay subtext before the showrunners got scared and turned him straight.

 

2. Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009). Drew (Tequan Richmond) was so beautiful that everyone, not just teenagers, dissolved into a slurry of hormones when he smiled at them.  Women only, I think: this show was extremely skittish about the g-word.

3. The Middle (2009-2018): Axl Heck (Charlie McDermott) hung around the house in his underwear all the time.  This was supposed to be a weird quirk, not a turn-on.  They didn't know the audience very well, did they? I don't remember if he liked girls or not; I was too busy looking at his "happy trail" to pay attention to the plots. (Except for the one where the sister's friend wants to come out, but doesn't get to say the g-word.)

4. The Goldbergs (2013-2023): Barry (Troy Gentile), wrestler and all-around hunk paired with the shy intellectual boy in a gay-free 1980s.

5. Young Sheldon (2017-).  Georgie Cooper (Montana Jordan) is all brawn to Sheldon's brains in a gay-free 1990s.  Unfortunately, they abandoned the muscle-building plotline to concentrate on Georgie as a teen dad.

Gavin Munn's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 1: Biking, boating, fishing, turning 15. Plus his dad, older brother, Skyler Gisondo, and Joe Jonas

 

This is a collection cute/cool photos of Gavin Munn, who plays Jonathan on Raising Dion and Abraham on The Righteous Gemstones.  He's under 18, so no beefcake or nude photos, but I may have included a few of his family and friends.

Link to the NSFW photos

1. The Big 15.  Time for your learner's permit, buddy.

2. Father's Day with Dad and Big Bro.

3. Gavin and Dad in jungle prints.

4. A boy and his boat

5. A dad and his fish

6. A random rear with no connection to Gavin's dad

More Gavin and friends after the break

History of the World, Part II: Homophobic jokes, gay subtexts, and Brock O'Hurn. With Ike and Nick naked

  

Link to the NSFW Version

History of the World, Part I (1981) was a Mel Brooks vehicle involving sketches parodying various historic periods, from the Stone Age to the Spanish Inquisition, featuring nearly every comedian in the business.  To the infinite confusion of audiences, no Part II was intended.

Until 2022, when Part II appeared as a tv series on Hulu, again (mostly) produced, written, directed, and narrated by the 96 year old Mel Brooks (swole body by Brock O'Hurn).  Three or four historic periods are parodied, but I'm going to review only the Civil War.

Episode 1: 1865. In the waning days of the War, President Lincoln asks the drunken Ulysses S. Grant (Ike Barinholtz, below) to take charge of his son, Robert Todd (Nick Robinson): the 22-year old Harvard studenthas been begging to enlist, and now that the war is nearly over, he can do so safely. This is historically accurate: Robert Todd did serve on Grant's staff for several months in 1865.  But he was a "dandy," and Lincoln was gay; both are closeted here. 

Every soldier in Virginia has been ordered to deny Grant alcohol, so he decides to take RT on a "dangerous mission."

"I would follow you to the gates of Hell," RT says.

"It's worse than that.  We're going to West Virginia."  Har, har. 

Episode 2:  In Rock Ridge, West Virginia, stylized as an Old West town out of Blazing Saddles, RT and Grant try to fit in because "They don't like our kind." He means Yankees, of course, but.... In  a tavern, we get a shot of the two holding hands as they both look at the same menu.  That's a queer code.

Their cover is blown when Grant tries to use Union currency, and his face is on the bill!  Grant is on the $50 bill today, but of course he wasn't during the Civil War. "We hate Yankees!"  The scene dissolves when a Red Sox fan starts to complain (the baseball team opposed to the New York Yankees).  

A mob (led by Scotty McArthur) leads them out to be hanged.  Actually, West Virginia was almost entirely Union-occupied through the war.

Episode 3: Three expendable Union soldiers  are sent to rescue them. Lt. Henry Honeybeard (Tim Baltz), being white, is made their leader.  The others are the black Mason Dixon (Tyler James Williams) and the Native American Mingoes  (Zahn McClarnon, left).  As they leave, we see two pairs of legs protruding from a tent (guys having sex, har har).  

They are all dumb as a stump, and can't figure out which way West Virginia is. They end up the Underground Railroad, which is actually a subway run by Harriet Tubman, going the wrong direction.

Episode 5: In Rock Ridge, Grant and RT are about to be hanged by the Confederate mob.  They discuss how much they care for each other.  Another queer code. 

The guys arrive.  They send Mingoes to rescue them while Honeybeard and Mason-Dixon distract the crowd with a performance as the Dickie Dicks.  

Their song, "Fuck the North!",  is a run-down of how bad the Northern states are, with some homophobic lyrics: "Illinois sucks donkey dicks/ Michigan sucks and swallows." They are technically accusing the states of bestiality, but doubtless they would find a man sucking a man equally repellent.

The rescue attempt fails; all five are now going to be hanged.  But at the last minute Harriet Tubman saves them.

Episode 6:  Separated from the guys, Grant and RT are on the road alone, in their underwear.  Grant needs a uniform, so they approach a swishy gay stereotype and order him to "take off his clothes."  He responds as you would expect a swishy gay stereotype to.

General Lee signs the surrender documents; the war is over.  

We end with everyone celebrating. Now that the war is over, Grant's charge of RT is done, but they decide to stay together anyway, and dance and hug. Third and fourth queer codes.  The guys decide to stay together, too: they move to California to perform as a trio.

Beefcake: None.

Gay Characters: None specified except in sight gags.

Gay Subtext: Grant and RT have a lot of physical-affection codes, and they stay together at the end of the adventure.

Homophobic Jokes: Three.  But that's standard Mel Brooks.  His 1970s movies are full of them.  Dom DeLuise said that he thought gay men were bizarre creatures, "from another planet."

My Grade: B-

Left: Ike Barinholtz bulge

Nude Barinholtz and Robinson on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Dan Benson: Gay-vague Disney Channel teen hunk finds a new career getting naked for gay guys

  

Link to the nude photos

There's a unique pleasure to seeing one of your childhood fave raves grow up, bulk up, and post pics of his penis. It's like solving a mystery: now we know what he was packing all along.

Dan Benson became a fave rave in The Wizards of Waverly Place, a gay-subtext heavy Disney Channel teencom about a family of wizards who must keep their secret from the world.

Dan (in the back) played Zeke, the goofy best friend of teenage son Justin Russo, although later he started hanging out with younger son Max instead.  He displayed no heterosexual interest until later seasons when Disney suits got worried about the barely-hidden gay subtexts and gave him a girlfriend.

There were so many gay subtexts on Wizards that Dan's stories tended to get lost.  And bulking up didn't help to differentiate him: every single male character was a muscle-hunk. So fans tended to forget about him.

After Wizards, Dan appeared in an episode of Smoky Knights and its spin-off Killing Diaz,  and voiced Ethan, the on-off boyfriend of Summer in Rick and Morty. Then he was stung by an invasion of his privacy.

Turns out that some fans didn't forget him after all: during Wizards, "attractive women" kept asking for nude photos and videos, which he obligingly sent.  Then he found them posted on the internet!  He told E Online that it was a "pretty traumatic experience."  He became obsessed with taking them down, and retired from acting altogether.

But then he thought, "Why not?  If people want to see my penis, why not show them?  For a fee, of course."  He changed to the grown-up sounding Daniel Benson, and started an OnlyFans page, with subscriptions running at $20 per month.  He not only shows his dick, he reviews adult products, like this dildo.

More Dan after the break. Note: the explicit photos are samples that Dan posted on X.

Eastbound & Down: The water park and cocaine party episode, with some naked guys

I haven't done a review for a few weeks -- busy with work assignments, and besides, not much out there that seems promising.  But I reviewed the first episode of Eastbound & Down a long time ago, so let's see if foul-mouthed, homophobic washed-up baseball player Kenny Powers gets any character development.  I'm reviewing Episode 4.3, because it takes place in a water park.

Scene 1: The washed-up baseball player now has a wife and a boyfriend, Stevie, played by Steve Little.  They praise him for "killing it" in an interview to become a tv sports commentator.  Stevie makes a vulgar comment about the wife's vagina, which makes Kenny angry, but Stevie thinks he's over-reacting.  He's just very excited.  He eagerly punches a car window, and screams in agony at his now-broken hand. 

The wife goes home so Kenny can take care of the mess.

Scene 2: Breakfast. Even though this is only Season 4, Kenny has two five-year old kids.  He tells them that, due to his newfound showbiz fame, they're going to be rich.  He has gifts: a candle for mom, a backpack for the girl, a growling wolf for the boy: "A strong male role model, so he doesn't turn out weird." Presumably he means "gay."   Um...how about a puppy?

Scene 3: Kenny and Boyfriend Stevie arrive for his first day at his tv star job.  They brought gift baskets for the Star (Ken Marino).

Star: "Who's this handsome dude?  Is it your fuck buddy?"

Boyfriend: "I wish!"

Ok, so they're not boyfriends. A gay friend who is openly in love with Kenny, who doesn't mind because he likes the attention? This means that he's not homophobic, anyway.

Scene 4: Kenny bursts into his brother's house wearing a stocking, claiming that "ths is a home invasion."  They don't believe him.  His nephew Wayne (Bo Mitchell) is being photographed in graduation robes, but he's just getting a GED.   Kenny criticizes him for it, then gets down to business: the family is estranged, so he wants to buy their love with tickets to the Congo Canyon Resort.

They don't think he's really changed, so he rescinds the invitation: "The only people who get to get wet are people who are nice to me." 

Scene 5: Kenny bought a robot.  Wife thinks he should take it slow, but he talks her into going to the water park.

Scene 6: At the water park. No beefcake except a little of Stevie.  He looks at five preteen kids and says "Look at my family, so smiling and loyal.  They love me so much."  He has kids?  I thought he was gay, and in love with Kenny?

He passes out drinks to the gang, saying "Celebrate, don't masturbate."  Then a toast, to the new tv star, "The love of my life, Kenny Powers."  Why does he keep saying things like this?  

Kenny complains that Tel wore a speedo (obscured closeup, no bulge).  "Tel" isn't in the IMDB.  A fan blog lists a Dontel, played by Omar J. Dorsey, but Omar is tall and black, and this guy is short and Hispanic.

The ladies start to get drunk, and wonder who's looking after the kids.  Kenny points out that the water is only ankle deep; if they drown in that, they deserve to die.  Everyone is horrified.

Scene 7: Montage of several boy-girl massages, girls in bikinis in the pool, a girl in a bikini smiling seductively at Kenny, a fat guy going down a water slide. closeup of boobs, another closeup of boobs.  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.3, Continued: Gideon acts like a woman, Kelvin acts like a man, and chubby guys show their dicks

  

This is the censored version of the review, with no nude photos or explicit sexual discussions.

Link to the uncensored version

God offers one thing:  Eli and Baby Billy attend a service at Locust Grove Baptist Church. where Rev. Seasons preaches.  The sermon: when people pray, they're really asking God to give them stuff.  But God only offers one thing: His love. Yawn -- Baby Billy is bored.  His church offers razzle-dazzle.

Later, at an after-church potluck, Baby Billy tries to mediate between Eli and Rev. Seasons, but it doesn't work: "Get the hell out of my church.  I got nothing to say to you."  Eli counters that he's been spreading lies about the Gemstones.  

Then: "What do you want, Eli?  You've got everything, and you want more.  Why are you so hungry?"  Eli responds by throwing a baked potato through a church window. Baby Billy is here the voice of reason.

As Eli stomps off, followed by a conciliatory Baby Billy, Rev. Seasons makes a throat-cutting gesture at some of his congregants.  We will see their dicks later.

Later, Baby Billy argues with Eli: he has to live in Locust Grove, and Eli is out there making him enemies.  "Well, what could I do about it?" Um...not throw a baked potato through his window?  Eli, increasingly unsympathetic, dismisses Baby Billy as a "two-bit con-man."  He never cared about the family, not even his sister Aimee-Leigh.  

Baby Billy calls him a "righteous Gemstone dick" and quits the Locust Grove job. 

The Family Dinner:  Next, Gideon goes to work for Martin, ostensibly to learn church operations, but really looking for a new way to steal a million dollars. Jesse disapproves, hurt that they decided on this new job without consulting him.

 Later, the family gathers for a "welcome home" dinner for Gideon at Jesse and Amber's house.  

This is the only time that we will see the family here; later family dinners will be held at Jason's Steak House. Notice that Kelvin sits on the left side, between Pontius and Gideon, as if he is a kid.

Gideon is discussing his stunt work: because of his slim frame, he stunt-doubles for women a lot: it's called "wigging."  Jesse disapproves of him "pretending to be a woman." Amber defends him: it's just for the stunt, because "he's very manly," not feminine, not gay.  Notice Kelvin's reaction: he does not like this conversation at all.  He keeps his head down, worried that someone will apply it to him.

But the industry is moving toward having women stunting for women, so no more wigging.  Jesse mocks him: my son is sad "cause he can't pretend to be a woman for money anymore."  He's really pushing the hegemonic masculinity here: behavior that men are expected to engage in, and punished if they fail: being important/ in charge, aggressive, stoic, politically and socially powerful, muscular, and heterosexual.

BJ thinks that "representation of marginalized peoples is a big deal," so if a script calls for a woman to fall off a building, a woman should do the stunting.  Amber disagrees, promoting stereotypic gender polarization: "only men should jump off buildings."

Finally Kelvin has had enough, and changes the subject: "Wasn't Baby Billy supposed to be here tonight?"

The party devolves into a fight between Jesse and his son Pontius. He blames Pontius's bad behavior on Gideon leaving: "Actions have consequences."

Kelvin's Basketball:  After things calm down, Judy and Kelvin find Jesse in the back yard, crying, the super-masculine guy exhibiting "feminine" emotion.  He asks if they have come to make fun of him.  Judy: "Well, Kelvin has."  

Notice that Kelvin is carrying a basketball. Where did he get it?  Did he bring it with him, as a "welcome home" gift for his adult nephew?  Did he pick it up from an off-camera basketball court?

This is the only time in the series that Kelvin exhibits an interest in any team sport, or any athletic activity other than acrobatics and bodybuilding.  I wonder if he is trying to project a stereotypic masculine image in response to the talk about "acting like a woman."  

The Naked Thugs: Baby Billy and Tiffany are alone in the satellite church, when thugs burst in, presumably sent by Rev. Seasons, and start destroying the place. They hide, but the thugs find them (maybe you shouldn't pray so loudly?),  and prepare to attack.  At that moment, Eli appears with a gun.  He forces the thugs to strip and run naked through the mall. 

The act is meant to "unman" the thugs, suggesting that, although they are physiologically male, they are no longer "men."   It serves as a counterpoint to the gender polarization displayed by Jesse and Kelvin earlier.  Being a man is not a matter of pectoral muscles or sex organs: it is a performance.  The end.

Bonus: more chubby guy dicks on  RG Beefcake and Boyfriends 

See also: The Naked Thugs: Danny McBride thinks we "wont like these dicks."

Mark Consuelos, Morning TV Hunk

 

I don't watch daytime tv -- I only have streaming services, and besides, I'm busy during the day.  But this morning I was at the dentist, and they had one of those morning talk shows on: Kelly and Mark and Mark's Biceps.  Those things were huge!  I was mesmerized.

And the moment I got home, I looked it up:

Live began as The Morning Show in 1983, then turned into Live with Regis and Kathy Lee, starring Regis Philbin and Kathy Lee Gifford, in 1988.  

Kelly Ripa took over for Kathy Lee in 2001, and after Regis retired or died (too many open tabs to look it up), she was paired with Ryan Seacraft and then Michael Strahan, left

In April 2023, Kelly's husband Mark Consuelos took over as co-host, bringing his biceps with him.

36 seasons, over 7500 episodes. I wonder if there are grandmas out there who have seen each one.

Besides, I'm sure that they don't mention LGBT people often, if at all, to avoid offending Grandma over her morning coffee. 

Maybe I'm mistaken.  They did an interview with The Advocate, and near the end, after interminable talk about their careers, their kids, football, COVID, and Christmas memories, talked about their careers and how well they worked together, the interviewer said "One thing I love about your show is that you have tons of queer guests, which puts them in living rooms everywhere."

I'm still not watching, but I'll check on Mark Consuelos.

He's best known as the evil Hiram Lodge, who keeps trying to thwart Archie's plans and destroy the town in Riverdale; and corrupt politician Biff De La Pena on The Girls on the Bus

He's also hunked it up on Broad City, Queen of the South, Alpha House, All My Children, and 1-800-Missing

I can't find any nude scenes, but his wife confirms that it's huge

See also:  The Naked Press Bro on The Girls on the Bus

Picco: A lot of male nudity among the brutal, homophobic inmates of a German youth prison

Link to the male nudity

Someone recommended the German psychological horror movie Picco, about the inmates at a juvenile detention center  -- "lots of naked bodies on display."  There's bound to be some buddy-bonding, and maybe some homoerotic relations, right? 

Wikipedia says that it features a "troubled young man" named Jakub, who becomes enmeshed in a "harsh social hierarchy" and "the brutal realities of life behind bars."  That's like every prison movie ever made.

The IMDB doesn't mention a Jakob.  Here it's Kevin, a new boy in the prison, played by Constantine Jascheroff, who may be in the top photo -- one website says that it's Constantine, and another, that it's Martin Kiefer.  Anyway, he has to deal with three surthly, belligerant, homophobic cellmates. The Variety review names them:

1. The psycho-violent Marc, played by Frederick Lau. This is from another movie.

2. His belligerant crony, Andy, played by Martin Kiefer

3. The weak, sensitive Tommy, played by Joel Basman.  I don't know why everyone in a German movie has an English name.

They brutalize Kevin, over and over, until he eventually realizes that he can acquire social capital by helping them brutalize the weaker  boys.

They devise a plan to torture the weakest boy, either Tommy or someone unspecified, so brutally that he will commit suicide to escape.  The torture is apparently relentless. The Hollywood Reporter states that : "Many walkouts occurred during the Cannes screening I attended, and one Frenchman angrily shouted out as he left, “they might as well show scenes of torture from Auschwitz!” and others seemed to agree."

Buddy bonding: Not likely.  The boy interact only to insult each other, discuss the girls they would like to rape, and gang up on someone they want to brutalize.

Left Aram Arami, playing Miguel.

 Gay characters?  No. The boys talk about heterosexual sex all the time, and call each other homophobic slurs, although none is actually gay. 

So two hours of homophobic torture porn.

Why is male nudity common only when the guy is about to have sex with a lady, or being brutalized?  

The person who recommended Picco must be from Germany.  It's not available for streaming in the U.S., except on the JustDial website.

Most of the cast is nude on RG Beefcake and Bonding

See also: Bumper in Berlin Episode 1.3: Bumper saves the day by doing everything wrong

Michael Fassbender and Rainier Fassbinder: The unbearable agony of gay life, with dicks and butts

Hannah Montana and the Real Daniel Booko

Hannah Montana (2006-2011) was very good at gay subtexts, like many teencoms on the Disney Channel (check out Wizards of Waverly Place or Even Stevens).  And very good at beefcake.  So I wasn't surprised at the episode where everyone wonders why Hannah is always hanging out with Jackson (Jason Earles, who went on to play the gay-vague Rudy on Kickin' It).

He's actually the brother of her alter ego Miley Stuart, but admitting that would give the secret away, so they pretend to be dating.  Jackson goes on a talk show and proclaims “I love Hannah!” while jumping on a couch, parodying Tom Cruise’s well-publicized exploit on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and inviting parallel speculation about his sexual identity.  He then fuels speculation by admitting that he can't continue the charade anymore; he loves Hannah “like a sister.”

And I wasn't surprised when Jackson got a boyfriend.  "Hanging out" with Hannah after one of her concerts, Jackson meets Stavros (Daniel Booko), who loves another female celebrity "like a sister."  Stavros leers at him, says “awesome” in appreciation of his beauty, and bluntly asks him out.  A subsequent montage shows the boys delighted in each other’s company and ignoring the pop star Hannah.  But Stavros turns out to be shallow, and drops Jackson when a better opportunity arises.

But I was surprised that Stavros never took his shirt off -- unusual for a guest star on Hannah Montana.  I soon found out why.  If Stavros displayed this physique while aggressively courting Jackson, if Jackson got a silly grin on his face while gazing at this physique, the subtext would become text, it would be impossible to hide the attraction under the guise of friendship.

Daniel Booko, a minister's son from Three Rivers, Michigan,  played the friend of Maddie's boyfriend on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a dumb lunk hired to take his shirt off on ICarly, and a champion skater on Kickin' It.  

Outside of the teencom circuit, he has an impressive range of projects, from teen sex comedy to horror to adventure, most recently in the Jersey Shore spoof Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) and Christmas Wedding Date (2012).  Surprisingly, his characters almost never gets the girl.

But he did get a boy, playing a gay character on The O.C. 

No word on whether he's gay or a gay ally in real life, but he talks about the kind of girls he likes in an interview.

Tony Cavalero's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: A leather jockstrap, an isolation tank, the sausage god, and honeymoon with the hubbie

  

Link to the nude photos

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Tony Cavalero, best known as Dewey on The School of Rock,  Ozzie Ozbourne in Dirt, and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, with a few of his friends.

1. "Wait -- if I'm supposed to be advertising this ball pouch why do you want me to take it off?"

2. When Tony dates other guys, they ski down blue-diamond mountains, ride bikes around the Hollywood Sign, and hang-glide off cliffs.  When he dates Skyler, they go shopping.  

3. Dude, they used that isolation tank for one scene.  You don't need to continue using it, unless you have a mummification kink.

4. Ok then, carry on.

5. How did you get that portable sauna zipped up?

6. When you can't take a cold plunge after your sauna, roll around in the snow instead.

More Tony after the break

Danny Griffin: Cornish artist, rider, model, beefcake-shy muscle hunk. With bonus Matthew McConaughey.

  

Link to the nude photos

This guy popped up on my Netflix recommendations this morning.  When I clicked on him, he faded away into a boring story of yet another magic academy.  

So I checked the cast list:  Danny Griffin, "one of the most promising young artists of our generation."

One of his works: a paperback of Simone  de Beauvoir's Les Belles Images in a toaster.  I don't quite get the visual language.

For a muscle-hunk Danny has surprisingly few beefcake photos. Here he says "I lost my keys," and a respondent tells him to "Put a shirt on."

He does manage to take off his shirt in the magic academy drama, Fate: The Winx Saga, when his character is injured by a magical blast or about to have sex with the focus girl.

And in Surviving Christmas with the Relatives, a 2018 movie that has the honor of getting a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.  If you look carefully, you can see a side butt, but it's so blurry that I don't mind posting it here.

That movie also starred Michael Landes, seen here because I don't think we're going to get a dick shot of the beefcake-shy Danny Griffin.

More dicks after the break.

Gemstones Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Baby Billy get naked, and Scotty shoves his wiener into Gideon's face

 

This is the censored version of the review, with no nude photos or explicit sexual discussions. 

 Link to the nude photos and explicit sexual discussions

In Episode 2, we saw problems in the developing Kelvin/Keefe and Judy/BJ relationships: Kelvin is too hesitant, and BJ too eager.  But the main takeaway was Gideon: Jesse's estranged son is one of the blackmailers!  Episode 3 will develop the Gideon/Scotty plot arc further, postponing Kelvin/Keefe to their centric episode, "Wicked Lips."  But first we need Kelvin to out himself a few times.

Title: "They are weak, but He is strong."  From "Jesus Loves Me," a hymn by Anna Bartlett Warner published in 1862, but based on 2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV: "When I am weak, then I am strong."  You can't get much weaker than these guys.

Baby Billy is nude:  The childhood home of Eli's late wife, famous Gospel singer Aimee-Leigh. A poster advertises the "Sing for Joy" concert tour, featuring the Freeman's Gap duo, Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy.  Two children on the cover of a single album, "Misbehavin'."  They must have been a brother-sister act as children, before Aimee-Leigh became a serious gospel singer.  A young woman yells that Baby Billy's hot milk is ready; she brings it to him as he bathes outside.

We see the back of his head -- now white-haired -- as he describes the satellite church his brother-in-law Eli is giving him -- "in the middle of everything -- fun chain restaurants, name-brand clothing stores."  We see his face -- fans of Danny McBride's work will recognize him as Walton Goggins of Vice Principals in old-age makeup. 

He stands -- a huge cock fills the screen!  Objectively it's not very big, but we've never seen a close-up of a cock in any tv show before, and rarely anything at all, so it is startling and highly erotic, underscoring that Baby Billy is a creature of prodigious sexual appetite. 

Although Walton Goggins has been nude on camera before, in this case they hired a stunt cock belonging to an unidentified 80-year old man from town,  

Trivia note: Baby Billy is actually 66 or 67 in this scene, and Walton Goggins is 51.  

Baby Billy promises Tiffany, his new wife -- Number Four, plus a number of boyfriends -- a world of "riches and glamour" with the Gemstones. 

Eyes on the Prize: Gideon meditates on the Tao te Ching as the family prepares for church: "Eyes on the prize. To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders."   He's actually quoting the Tao te Ching wrong.

On the way to the Salvation Center, his brothers ask about the celebrities he met in Hollywood.  Well Vin Diesel (left). Jesse tries to one-up him by claiming to have met Telly Savalas, star of Kojak (1973-78). Jesse was not born until 1981, so he couldn't have watched in real time.

The Satellite Church: Judy, BJ, and Kelvin are scoping out the dying shopping mall where they opened the satellite church: "All around America, capitalism is dying," Kelvin points out. "That's when we step in."  He will never display this insightful knowledge of economics, or anything other than muscles, again.  

Queer code: First Kelvin does a little femme flutter and hand-on-waist.  Then a hot girl walks past: an opportunity for him to demonstrate that he is heterosexual with a double-take?  No,he  looks the other way. 

Baby Billy is greeting the congregants in front of gigantic photos of himself and Kelvin.  Why Kelvin, in particular?  Maybe to indicate that they're both outsiders, struggling to be taken seriously by the family.  Or because they both have huge cocks.

As Baby Billy begins the service, the siblings watch from offstage.  Gideon tunes up his guitar.  Judy comments that he's "looking tasty. Staying in shape." Kelvin agrees; "He is. That's showbiz, right?  You to to keep a tight physique."  You just outed yourself to your sister, Kelv Baby.

Jesse disagrees: lots of people who work behind the scenes are "fat as fuck,."  But, Kelvin insists, if you want to be a star, you have to be a "specimen...a straight unit." According to the Urban Dictionary, a "straight unit" is a guy who is tall, strong, muscular, and well-hung. How much farther out can Kelvin get?

Afterwards the siblings meet Tiffany.  They disapprove of her countrified lack of refinement, her teeth, and her insistance that they call her Aunt Tiffany, even though she is younger than 

More wieners after the break