Ronan Boyle and the Bridge of Riddles. An instant New York Times bestseller! A cross between J. Rowling and Douglas Adams! The next Harry Potter!
Ok, t
he Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one of my favorite books, and the Harry Potter series isn't bad, either. I'll give it a try. Of course, I judge a fantasy novel primarily on gay subtexts: deep, passionate same-sex bonds, or at least a minimum of heterosexual interest.
How much do you want to bet that Ronan gets a girlfriend?
Page 2: Ronan Boyle is a 14 year old intern in the Galway, Ireland garda (police force).
Page 25: He is recruited by the Garda Special Unit, a secret police force dedicated to relations the faerie folk -- leprechauns, trolls, and others,who live in their own world, Tir Na Nog, but like to transfer over from their world to ours to cause mischief.
So far, so good. No hetero interest, but no same-sex romances, either.
Page 35: Ronan is a big fan of Dame Judy Dench, and when stressed, imagines conversations with her. The actress is 84 years old, so it's probably not a hetero-romantic thing.
Page 51: His parents are in prison after being framed for the theft of a 4,000 year old mummified Bog Man, the oldest artifact in ireland, so he's living with his guardian, Dolores, "an absolute delight." No romantic interest mentioned.
Page 60: Ronan arrives at the training academy and meets the other recruits, including Log, a very tall, muscular, thick-limbed girl with the strength of a chimpanzee. Doesn't sound like romantic interest.
And Dermot, a "dreamboat," who has broad shoulders and a square jaw, and is so tall he can block out the sun. Definite attractiveness. Ronan dreams of their "becoming mates," but he doesn't seem particularly interested in Ronan. Homoerotic interest!
Dermot is not pictured in the book illustrations, so let's imagine him as the top photo.
Page 115: He visits Lord Diamond Dooley, who he believes actually stole the Bog Man and framed his parents. Not exactly Voldemort, but close.
Page 131: The Malton Hotel has been robbed of 30,000 euros of wine. The suspect is probably Lovely Liam, a gancanagh-- everyone who sees him falls in love with him.
In the original folklore, the gancanagh is a male fairy who seduces only women. Let's hope that "everyone" here is inclusive, men and women both.
Page 145: Ronan and Captain De Valera, must go to Tir Na Nog to investigate. Ronan respects her, but there is no heterosexual interest implied.
So far, so good -- inclusivity and no heterosexual interest. But it seems that everyone important in Ronan's life is female: his guardian, Log, the Captain, even his police dog partner.
Page 156: The Bridge of Riddles is just the way into the faerie town of Nogbottom. It provides a brief setback -- not nearly worth naming the book after. Someone is trying to emulate Harry Potter "and the Chamber of Secrets" or "the Prisoner of Azkaban."
Page 188: Ronan keeps his eyes averted, but both the Captain and a male troll get a glimpse of Lovely Liam and fall in love with him.
Score! An inclusive love spell!
Page 220: While transferring the prisoners to Dublin, Log wants to take time out to visit the wax museum. She wants to see the statue of Liam Neeson, whom she finds hot. Ronan states that he is open to the idea of "meeting a wax Liam Neeson," but would would prefer a wax Judi Dench. For that he would have to go to London, a trip he has planned a thousand times.
Page 237: They begin the next case, tracking down harpies in County Wexford. There's a fight, and Ronan sees something that will propel the plot into the next book of the series.
Page 245: A male victim says "When this is all over, I'd like to take you to dinner." Ronan isn't interested because the proposed dinner will be an an awful restaurant, but he says "Brilliant! Sounds like fun!"
Brilliant! This is an adult asking a 14-year old to dinner, so doubtless he has no romantic intent. But it still follows the conventions of a romantic date request.
I wonder if the author is gay. I look him up online: Thomas R. Lennon, Lt. Dangle on
Reno 911! Heterosexual.
Page 280: We're almost done. Only a few pages left, and we'll be home free. Ronan is cursed during the fight, and is forced to relive his most embarrassing memory over and over. Which is:
Page 281: Last year his guardian, who thought he should get a girlfriend before high school, set him up on a blind date with a "pretty girl" named Bridget. They were skating, and he was tryingt to impress her by showing off, and...he fell, splitting his pants.
Damn. Mr. Lennon waited to the very end to heterosexualize the boy!
Although it was a set-up date, so maybe Ronan wasn't really interested...but he was trying to impress her, and he did say that she was "pretty"....
Page 286: The end.
How much do you want to bet that in the next book in the series, Ronan gets a girlfriend?
See also: Thomas Lennon: From Dangle to Felix.
1. Benjamin Wadsworth
