Dec 19, 2015

Florida Beach Boy #2: Jack the Grocery Store Clerk

When I was living in Florida, I got cruised by a guy in the Publix Supermarket.  He said he was a friend of my ex, Wade the Beach Boy.  So naturally I called Wade to "get the dirt."

Wade said that he was very nice, with a very nice physique, but they were incompatible.  He wouldn't go into details.

Intrigued, I accepted the date.

The rest of the story is too risque for Boomer Beefcake and Bonding.  You can read it on Tales of West Hollywood.

Dec 18, 2015

16 Florida Beach Boys

16 Florida Beach Boys

Wilton Manors, Florida was a lot like West Hollywood.
1. A small, constrained, concentrated gay neighborhood where you could walk anywhere.
2. Surrounded by homophobia
3. Ungodly hot.
4. Full of tourists.
5. And jobs that went nowhere.

But there was a big difference: 

West Hollywood in 1985 was all about long-term relationships.  No hookups.  After two dates, you were a couple; after four, you were renting a U-Haul.

Wilton Manors in 2001 was all about right now.  Hookups, sharing, a never-ending supply of dates.

There were a few long-term couples around, but it was much more common to date for a few weeks, and then move on.

Here are my longest Wilton Manors romances.

Just One Date:

1. The Brazilian Twink who turned out to be the drag queen Miss Chita Taboo.

2. Jack, the Grocery Store Clerk who thought he was a vacuum cleaner.

3, Andre, the Worst Date in Florida Historyinvolving an alligator, an unfinished house, hustlers, druggies, and a lost wallet.

4. The Former Child Star who invited me back to his apartment to listen to his demo tape.

5.  Jean the Violinist in Paris, who wouldn't let me touch his instrument.

6. The Jolly Green Giant, 6'10", bodybuilder physique, hands the size of typewriters, average beneath the belt gifts.

1-2 Weeks:

7. Janik the Frisian Bodybuilder  from the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam, who invited me to stay in Friesland with him.

8. Sammy Blowfish, the son of my high school speech teacher, who invited me back to small-town Iowa. I only got rid of him by pawning him off on my friend Dick.

9. Comic Book Guy, who was attractive, passionate, and affectionate, but had bedroom practices that were a complete turn-off, plus a surprise beneath the belt.

10. The Urantia Book Devotee who took me to karate tournaments.

11. Randy the Pharmacist. I made the mistake of inviting him to a Hurricane Party for our second date, where he ran afoul of the rules of sharing.

12. Florian, the boy who cried Fabulous, so aggressively upbeat that I couldn't stand him.

3-4 Weeks:

13. Wade, the Real Beach Boy.  How much time can someone with a fair complexion really spend at the beach?

14. Tom, the Log Cabin Republican. Yeah, very conservative, not up for a long term relationship.  But did you see what he looked like?

1-3 Months

15. Stanton, the high school bodybuilder.  We didn't have a lot in common, but my friends kept pushing us together.  "You'd be crazy to break up with him!  He's so cute!"

Over 3 Months:

16. Matt the Security Guard, a wannabe novelist with amazing beneath the belt gifts. Three months, from October to January, when I went home for Christmas and returned to be dumped for the 60-something Troy.'
This is the g-rated version of the post on Tales of West Hollywood, which contains nude photos.

Dec 17, 2015

Lesbian Subtexts in the Harvey Girls: Little Audrey, Little Lotta, and Little Dot

When I was a kid in the 1960s, I loved Harvey supernatural comics: Casper the Friendly Ghost, with his brave nonconformity to ghost society; Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost, who had a homoromantic back story; and Hot Stuff the Little Devil, who had homoerotic potential.

I didn't care much for Richie Rich, until he began bulking up in the mid-1970s, and I never bothered with the "girl only" titles: Little Dot, Little Lotta, and Little Audrey.

But I recently bought an anthology of Harvey Girl comics in the interest of completeness (I already had the other volumes), and in retrospect, those girls had a lot to offer.

No quiet, sweet, well-behaved "little ladies,"  they were intelligent, resourceful, and daring.  They gleefully surpassed the boys in every masculine-coded activity, from playing football to catching crooks, and their adventures usually had a satiric edge.

1. Little Audrey was named after a series of 1930s jokes about a girl who got into a terrible, morbid, or dirty situation, then "laughed and laughed" before delivering the punchline.

She had an African-American friend, Tiny, a first in 1960s comics, and a working-class boyfriend:  Melvin, who wore a spiked fedora and spoke Brooklynese.  Middle-lower class friendships were often forbidden, lending their bond a queer subtext.

2. Little Lotta was fat, a compulsive eater, yet very strong and athletic.  She had a small, eyeglass-wearing, feminine-coded boyfriend, Gerald, reminding one of the old blues song "Masculine Women, Feminine Men."

Some stories involved Lotta saving the day from bullies, but mostly they were extended gags with the gay symbolism that must have appealed to preteen lesbians:  Lotta's parents, teachers, or friends complain that she is inadequately ladylike so she unsuccessfully tries to "femme" it up.  In the end they decide that she's just fine the way she is.

3. Little Dot had two claims to fame: an obsession with dots, and an endless proliferation of uncles and aunts, who took her on secret-agent and science-fiction style adventures.

 In the 1950s stories, she had a boyfriend named Red, but by the 1960s, Red was forgotten, leaving Dot the only Harvey Girl who doesn't display any heterosexual interest.  She is the most feminine-coded of the trio, however, interested in "girly" fashion.

Dot and Lotta were best friends; the two often shared a story as well as a bed, giving them a nice butch-femme lesbian subtext.

My Platonic Friends and Their Boy Toy

In West Hollywood, New York, and Florida, sharing was commonplace.  You rarely if ever made friends without seeing the inside of his bedroom.

But when I moved to the Plains, I encountered guys who expected Platonic friendship.  

No bedroom?

 Hank was in his 50s, a tall redhead with nice abs, a moderately hairy chest, and a gigantic Mortadella+ beneath the belt.  He worked as an electrician.

His partner Wayne was in his 70s: a retired high school history teacher, a rather chubby bear, bald, white haired, with an impressively thick Bratwurst.

Ten years ago, they were both married with children, seeking secret partners on the downlow. They met at an outdoor cruising site, but the anonymous hookup soon turned into dating and romance.  They divorced the wives, moved to the nearest big city (this was a big city?), and came out as a gay couple.

I invited them to the Metropolitan Community Church -- they hadn't known that gay churches existed.

When they invited me over for dinner later that week, I naturally assumed it was for dinner and sharing.

They lived in an old farmhouse out in the country that they were having "fun" remodeling: the whole upstairs was still unfinished.

While Wayne finished cooking, Hank gave me a tour of the rest of the house: living room, dining room, study, and two bedrooms in colonial American style, with tall chairs, an antique secretary desk,  an old cupboard to hold the tv, and framed portraits of dour Puritan ancestors.

It was all rather boring, especially when Wayne went into detail about how they imported 9' grills for the grillwork, and redid the wainscotting around the landscaping and added .4 inch recessed bludgers with special prehensile bars and anodized aluminum pistons.

You've seen them at the gym, I told myself.  They're worth a little boredom.

I was surprised when the tour took me out into their formal colonial garden.  There was a modern enclosed redwood deck, with a hot tub.  And a boy sunbathing nude on a lawn chair: slim, sandy-haired, smooth chest, uncut Kielbasa.

"This is Jimmy," Hank said.  "He's renting our basement room in exchange for helping us remodel."

"Nice to meet you!" Jimmy said with the cruisy smile I always get from twinks. He reached up to shake my hand and almost pulled me into his lap.  "Are you a remodeler too?"

"I'm a professor at the University."

"Cool, I'm a student.  I'll sign up for your classes next semester.  Maybe you can give me know, extra credit assignments."

I've only heard that one about a thousand times before.  But -- Hank, Wayne, and Jimmy?  This evening was getting better and better.

But Jimmy didn't join us for dinner.  "Oh, he doesn't want to hang out with us grandpas," Wayne explained.  "He's a young guy, into dance clubs and bath houses, all that stuff we did 30 years ago.

Anyway, there was still Hank and Wayne.

Wayne's forte was cooking.  He served chicken in an acidic tomato sauce over pasta, with tiramisu for dessert.  I hated it, but still, I had to listen to every ingredient and the minutiae of cooking techniques described in detail.

 No one ever has soda, so I brought Diet Coke, and had to listen to Wayne pontificate about how phenylalanine and aspartame would kill me.

Meanwhile Hank described how they built or refurbished the furniture with prehensile oak tachyons and tapestry lining from an old anchor basting wobble he got in an estate sale.

Still, sharing....

But after dinner came 1 1/2 hours of stories about remodeling, refurbishing, real estate, recipes, and pontifications about the evils of bottled water and Delicious apples.  With no one making a move.

Toto, I don't think we're in Oz anymore.

Maybe we just needed the young guy as a catalyst.  I invited them over for dinner, and specified "be sure to bring along that cute roommate of yours."

The three of them showed up with homemade cookies that Wayne made using a new recipe of grated fruit rind, plus molasses substituted for sugar and some peach pits that he got at a farmer's market last year dusted with nutmeg and cardamon, with a few dashes of coriander and spliced pecan buds for flavor.

Ok, ok.

After dinner, I invited them into the living room, where Jimmy sat next to me on the couch, and the other guys chose armchairs.  We chatted, drank coffee, and Jimmy fondled my knee.  I put my arm around his shoulders, pulled up his shirt, and ran my hand across his chest and abs.  We started kissing.

I looked up.  Hank and Wayne were putting their shoes on.  "It's about time for us to be going," Hank said with a broad grin.


"Oh, don't worry," Wayne said.  "Jimmy brought his own car, so he can drive home in the morning. Thanks for a nice evening."


And, having fixed me up with their roommate, they were gone.

"I thought they'd never leave!" Jimmy exclaimed, looking at me expectantly.

"Don't you with them?"

He laughed.  "Are you kidding? I mean, I'd like to, but those guys are like in bed by 9:00 pm with warm milk.  No sexual interest at all.  I don't think they've done anything but cuddle for years, even with each, want to take a shower?"

Dating a 21-year old does have some advantages.

The full post, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Dec 16, 2015

Get Your Beefcake on Route 66

Speaking of buddy-bonding tv,  Route 66 (1960-64) was before my time and never rerun, so I've only seen a few clips on youtube, but older Boomers tell me that it was one of the gay-friendly lights of the early 1960s.

It starred clean-cut Yale undergrad  Tod (29 year old Martin Milner, who had just appeared in a loincloth in the risque Private Lives of Adam and Eve).  Tod -- not Todd -- and his boyfriend traveled around in a blue 1960 Chevy Corvette "in search of America," like Jack Kerouac before them.

His first boyfriend,  Buz (not Buzz -- evidently the producers didn't care for last letters), was a streetwise former juvenile delinquent from Hell's Kitchen, played by 32-year old George Maharis.  A 1973 Playgirl centerfold, Maharis was gay in real life.

After 2 1/2 seasons, Maharis dropped out, citing the grueling schedule and a bout of hepatitis, Tod quickly found a new boyfriend, haunted ex-GI Lincoln (30-year old Glenn Corbett, recently of It's a Man's World). A former Physique Pictorial model, Corbett was bisexual in real life.

They didn't stick to Route 66; they crossed the U.S. and Canada several times, surfing in Southern California, working on a lobster boat in Maine and a ranch in Wyoming, going to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, vacationing in Toronto. As usual in road series, they got involved in the private dramas of people they met along the way.

The buddy-bonding seems rather intense, and virtually none of the episodes involved getting girlfriends. However, there were little else for gay kids to watch:
1. Very few rescues (usually they were taken hostage together).
2. Insufficient beefcake, considering the number of bodybuilders in the cast (these pictures are from other projects).
3. And the series ended with Tod getting married, his youthful spirit -- and his same-sex romance -- giving way to heterosexual destiny.

But sometimes just an intense friendship is enough.

After Route 66, Martin Milner starred in the beefcake-heavy  GidgetAdam-12 and Swiss Family Robinson (with Willie Aames).  Glenn Corbett starred in The Secret of Boyne Castle and a few Westerns before moving behind the scenes.  George Maharis had guest spots on many tv programs, performed in nightclubs, and pursued a second career as a painter.  

Jason Gedrick

Born in 1965, Jason Gedrick broke into show business with The Heavenly Kid (1985), a comedy in which the nerd (Jason) wins The Girl with a little help from a dead teenager from the 1950s (Lewis Smith).  In the process, he bonds with the teen angel (and exhibits the usual 1980s homophobia), and shows off an implausibly buffed physique.

The actioner Iron Eagle followed (1986): avid video-gamer Doug (Jason) rescues his dad from Islamic terrorists, with a little help from an older pilot (Louis Gossett Jr.), who is distraught over the many kids that he has seen die over the years, and isn't about to watch Doug die, too. More buddy bonding.

Promised Land (1987): Davey (Jason) and Danny (Kiefer Sutherland) pursue an elite-working class friendship through high school and failed marriages.

Teen magazines paid some attention to him, displaying his dark, sultry pout and lean muscles.

Gay teens in the 1980s saw a pattern developing: his characters always had girlfriends but found meaning with guys.

The pattern continued in Rooftops (1989): a homeless teen named T, who lives on rooftops, has a girlfriend, but is also in love with a boy.  When his boyfriend is killed by drug dealers, T vows to use his dance-combat skills to clean up the neighborhood.

The pattern continued in Backdraft (1991), with Kurt Russell, and Crossing the Bridge (1992), with Josh Charles.

And we saw more of Jason's body in the nude shower scene.

I lost track of Jason in the 1990s.  He apparently moved into television, playing a college boy in Class of 96 (1993), a Hollywood star accused of killing a teenage girl in Murder One (1995-96), and an ex-con trying to go straight in EZ Streets (1996-97), plus significant roles Desperate Housewives, Luck, Necessary Roughness, and Dexter.  I haven't seen any of them.

But in 2007, for old time's sake, I saw Jason in  Kings of South Beach (2007).  He plays Chris Troiano, a New Yorker who moves to Miami to escape the Mafia and start a new life.  He opens a nightclub and takes bouncer Andy (Donnie Wahlberg) under his wing.

Andy is actually an undercover cop who must choose between his love for Chris and his job.

There is a palpable chemistry between Andy and Chris which almost moves from subtext to text.

Dec 15, 2015

The Huber Heights Horror: The Worst Date in West Hollywood History

I still cringe just thinking about it.

Everybody was closeted in Dayton, so you spent a lot of time in online chatrooms, cruising for hookups, arrangements, friends with benefits, bondage boys, and maybe, occasionally, a real, actual date.

So I got used to online profile exaggerations: they're really 5 years older, 20 lbs heavier, and 2 inches smaller beneath the belt.

But really...

Brandon: 23, blond, slim swimmer's build, Kielbasa beneath the belt.  

We talked online for over an hour, about movies, tv, art, literature.  We had everything in common.  I felt an immediate emotional connection.  I was going to ask him out to dinner, but then he said, "Why don't you come over tonight?"

Well, it nearly midnight. I was falling asleep.  What kind of date could we have?

But he insisted.   I figured we would cuddle on the couch, spend the night together, go out for brunch the next day, a good old fashioned West Hollywood date.

"Sounds great!  Come on over."

" don't have any parents or straight roommates hovering around, do you?"

"Oh, no, I live alone."

So I showered, changed clothes, and headed out the door at 12:30 am.

Brandon lived in Huber Heights, a ritzy suburb on the north side of Dayton, 15 miles from Fairborn. Down two deserted midnight highways.  Then a crazy maze of subdivisions with inadequate street signs.

Finally, at nearly 1:30 am, I pulled into the driveway of his nondescript suburban house.  

I walked shivering in the night chill across the front yard and rang the doorbell.  It seemed extremely loud.

Brandon's father answered.

At least, it looked like Brandon's father. 

The rest of the story, with uncensored photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood

The Top 10 Beefcake Sights of Brno

Most visitors to the Czech Republic stick to Prague, which is admittedly one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, with more public penises than anywhere else except maybe Bhutan.  But there's more to see in the Czech Republic.

Like Brno (pronounced Bir-noh), the capital of the Moravian district and the second largest city in the country (and it's a lot closer to Vienna, only about 2 hours by car).

Brno has a lot of beefcake potential, like #1 bodybuilder Jakob Holub.

Plus the 13th-century ┼ápilberk Castle, the Capuchin Monastery where you can see the mummified remains of long-dead monks, and the Cabbage Market (I'm not kidding), with its Parnassus Fountain.

And Beefcake Sight #2, a beefy Hercules fighting the Hydra.

#3 is this lintel decoration.  I'm not quite sure what's going on, but there are two people, one screaming, and one putting his

#4. Luzanky Park, the oldest public park in the Czech Republic, has a lot of interesting statues, like this rather fey Apollo.

5. For some reason, judo is big in Brno.  Here are some of the teenage participants from 1986.

More after the break.

Dec 14, 2015

The Naked Ape: Johnny Crawford's First Nude Scene

Other than Burt Reynolds posing on a bear skin rug for Cosmo, this is probably the most famous nude photo ever: a frontal of Johnny Crawford, a Boomer icon for his teen idol songs and his role as the squeaky-clean, innocent kid on The Rifleman, no longer squeaky-clean or innocent, letting it all hang out for the swinging 1970s.  It was used to advertise The Naked Ape (1973). 

But no one has actually seen the movie, unless you went to the theater on the three days in August 1973 when it was playing.

The book The Naked Ape (1967), by Desmond Morris, attributes our behavior today to the evolutionary advantages of our caveman ancestors.  Women are attracted to big muscles, for instance, because they were better for fighting off saber-toothed tigers, thereby enhancing survival.  Men are attracted to big breasts because they can nourish infants better, thereby enhancing offspring survival.

Wait...not every woman likes big muscles, and not every man likes big breasts.  Sometimes it's the other way around.  Physical attractiveness is primarily a matter of cultural norms.

Anthropologists thought it was ridiculous, but the back-to-nature set grabbed copies as fast as they could be printed, creating the first anthropological bestseller since Margaret Mead's Coming of Age in Samoa.  

But how do you make a movie out of an anthropological text?

Not very easily, apparently.

It seems to be about two college student (Johnny Crawford, Victoria Principal), who get all horny with each other and hang out naked, while a psychiatrist (John Hillerman) explains their behavior as cave-people grunting.  There are trippy animated sequences.  Robert Ito of Quincey plays a samurai.  Davis Olivieri of The New People is in there somewhere.  Since it was produced by Hugh Heffner of Playboy, I doubt that there is any gay content.

In spite of the word "naked" in the title, The Naked Ape came and went instantly.  Writer/director Donald Driver never wrote or directed any movie ever again.  It received no play on tv, hardly any on cable tv, it's not on youtube or Netflix, and there's no DVD available. It's hard to even find a plot synopsis.

Maybe it's for the best.  After seeing the nude frontal of Johnny Crawford so often for so many years, what movie could live up to the expectation?

You can see the uncensored photo on Tales of West Hollywood.

16 Buckeye Bratwursts, Bondage Boys, and Sausage Sightings

In 2005 after 20 years in gay neighborhoods, I moved to Fairborn, Ohio, a suburb of Dayton.

The Straight World took a LOT of getting used to.  Everyone was closeted, so  there wasn't a lot of dating going on -- 
"I have a family gathering that night that I can't get out of."
"Someone might see us!"  
"Sorry, I was on my way out the door, when my friend stopped by, so I couldn't make it."

But there was an infinite variety of arrangements:  friends with benefits, internet buddies, bondage buddies, "I have a free hour" boyfriends, shared hookups, parties, pickups, hookups. 

Here are the 16 most creative arrangements:

1. Chuck the Straight Guy, a "friend with benefits" who came over when he had the chance.  When I went to the emergency room and they asked me to call someone to pick me up, I was embarrassed that he was the only local guy on my contacts list.

2. The Bondage Boy in a Wheelchair.  But I cruised online frequently.  One day I drove all the way out to Kettering, 25 miles away, to hook up with an internet guy who said he wanted a bondage scene.  When I got there, he was wheelchair bound.  How much bondage could he get?

3. Clintin was a music major at Wilberforce University, a historically black college about 10 miles from Fairborn.  When one of his friends spent three months in jail for protesting a homophobic skit put on by a fraternity, he transferred to Wright State.

4. The Huber Heights Horror.  What happens when you talk to someone online for two hours, discuss your whole life history, hopes, dreams, goals, and aspirations?  He must be the One, right?  Then he invites you over.  You drive all the way to Huber Heights, 15 miles away, and get...well, nothing much.

5. The Blind Guy.  Bodybuilder's physique, gigantic beneath the belt, claimed to be able to tell your sausage size by listening to the sound of you urinating.  

6. The Horseman's Little Brother.  At the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam, where the membership was restricted to guys with Bratwursts or bigger, I met a guy from Suriname with a Kovbasa++++.  Turned out to be straight, cruising for a birthday present for his little brother.

7. Charlie and Paul.   Two closeted boyfriends, a high school football coach and an aspiring writer.  Both terrified that someone might find out. Neither out to his "straight" roommate.  Guess what?  

8. Everybody was into bondage.  I just had to drop the "b" word into my internet profile, and the messages would start filling up my in-box.  Most were newbies asking for someone to show them the ropes, but not Roland the Math Teacher.  His wife and kids had no idea that he had a dungeon in the basement.

9. Major Sausage Sighting!  At a spiritual retreat, the Catholic priest in the bed next to me....

10. Visiting Yuri in London, I hooked up with the Emo Boy Who Refused to Leave.

11. And met Farshad, a French Moroccan Muslim, #16 on my Sausage List.  I don't know which I found more attractive, his religion or his Mortadella++++.

12. The Bottom.  A guy in south Dayton named Rode (really!). held weekly M4M Parties in his basement.  He was a bottom, into nothing else, period.  Until one afternoon we started kissing.  And kept kissing.  And kissing.

The full list, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.