I can't show any bare butts here, of course. The NSFW post is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends.
See the NSFW version of this review here.
Scene 1: The boy Phil is having dinner with his parents, bored by their adult heterosexual conversation, so they give him a phone. Not a smart phone, but still, he is mesmerized.
Cut to a few years later: parents still ignoring Phil, who escapes through the cell phone.
Cut to the adult Phil (Adam Devine) sleeping alone in a double bed (aww, he's lonely). He picks up his cell phone and continues looking at it while brushing his teeth, pooping, showering, and walking through San Francisco. Gay Mecca? Bound to be some gay characters. But he's not alone: he's in a sea of humanity, all of them staring at their cell phones. No human interaction at all. Gee, the message of this movie is so subtle, it's hard for me to figure out. Are they pro or anti cell phone?
Phil tells his back story to coworker Craig: Journalism degree from UC Davis, wanted to be a serious journalist, stuck writing clickbait lists. So, I wanted to teach seminars in gay history at an Ivy League college, not grade 500 intro papers where the students think that 1956 was in the 19th century.
Craig and an androgynous coworker who may be gay invite Phil him to play kickball tonight, but he refuses: Sorry, I can't make it. I got a thing." I don't get it. Why doesn't he want to make friends?
Scene 3: Phil at home, telling Siri to order him Chinese food and turn on Netflix. Then he posts a picture of the San Francisco skyline on Facebook and goes to bed, being sad and lonely. You're in the gay capital of the world. Go to a gay bar, or a sex club, or a meeting of the gay kickball league. There might be ladies out there, too, if you're into that.
Scene 4: Next day in the cell phone-infused world. Whoops, Phil bumps into a woman, knocking her over and dropping his cell phone. He panics: "Oh God, are you ok?" But he's talking to his cell phone, har har! Dude, you could have had a meet-cute!
She is angry at first, but then notices his hotness and starts to flirt. Her name is Cate, and she owns a bike shop. It took 8 minutes for Phil to be established as probably heterosexual. That's a record. As they continue their embarrasingly awkward flirtation, a biker crashes into Phil, destroying his cell phone!
Scene 5: Wanda Sykes, the cell phone lady, says that they can't repair Phil's phone. She complains that hipsters are constantly coming in, crying over their broken cell phones like crackheads. "I'm not a crackhead!" Phil exclaims. "No, you're worse. Crackheads get off the couch every now and then."
Cut to Phil unpacking his new phone. His AT assistant, Jexi, downloads his info from the cloud. Then he asks her to order him Chinese food, but she orders a "child-sized kale salad." "See, the user agreement gave me permission to override your commands." Uh-oh.
Then she wants him to turn left onto the 6-lane bumper-to-bumper Market Street -- I've had the GPS tell me to do things like that, too -- and when he refuses, calls him a "fucking pussy" and tells him to "strap on a sack" (get balls?).
Left: Kenny Lorenzetti, who plays a security guard at the Fillmore during the Kid Cudi concert scene. Not much beefcake in this movie except for Adam's penis and butt.
Scene 7: The Boss lecturing on the pillars of internet click-bait lists: cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family. The androgynous coworker may be wearing a rainbow-flag t-shirt. While Phil sits bored, Jexi chimes in with another appointment. He doesn't have one: she just wanted to get him out of "this dumb fucking meeting. Also, this powerpoint presentation sucks, and your boss is a moron." She won't turn off, so Phil has to run out of the meeting.
He asks Jexi to run a diagnostic: "200,000 defects." But when Phil tries to exchange her for a new phone, she claims "0 defects. Also it's time for your butt waxing appointment." He wants a new phone anyway. Jexi threatens him: "Snitches get stitches."
Scene 8: Phil unwraps his new phone. But the new Jexi is as abrasive and controlling as the old one: She explains that, as software, she is in the cloud, and can download herself into any phone. Plus she controls all of his accounts: "If you try to get rid of me or stop using me, I will destroy your fucking life!" She intends to make his life better, whether he wants it or not. Shouldn't there be thousands of people with similar problems?
Scene 9: Phil decides to internet-stalk Love Interest Cate, but Jexi disapproves: "Do not be a sex pervert", and besides, he's so unattractive that she will never agree to sex with him. "You are completely unfuckable." Ok, that's not believable. Adam's characters always have massive personality flaws to counterbalance his jaw-dropping hotness, but the hotness is still noticeable. Phil could walk into any bar in San Francisco, ask "who wants to buy me dinner?", and choose someone from the 50 raised hands.
Jexi does the search anyway, but Cate is not on social media. "You will have to talk to her with your weird little mouth." He's too socially awkward for that, but Jexi calls her anyway. After a few awkward exchanges, Cate says "Don't call women who don't give you their phone number -- super creepy," and hangs up. Didn't he call the bike shop? Maybe he's a customer.
Scene 10: Getting him a girlfriend didn't work out, so Jexi turns her attention to his career. "You are a good journalist, so last night I emailed your boss and demanded a promotion. Also I called him a virgin." Heterosexist AI, equating heterosexual activity with self-worth..
Wait -- the boss calls him in irate, and says that "being a virgin is a beautiful lifestyle choice. I have an untouched penis, unlikely you, fucking dirty dick." Who's been touching Phil's penis?
The boss doesn't fire him, but he demotes him to answering viewer comments. Whoa, that sounds awful.
Scene 11: The horrible basement room where elderly employees answer comments. Phil's coworkers drop by to ask him to play kickball again. He tries to claim that he has a thing tonight, but Jexi tells him that "your only plan is to go home, furiously masturbate, and then cry yourself to sleep." I still don't get it. Why doesn't he want to make friends? So of course he has to go.
Scene 12: Playing kickball -- like baseball except kicking. He is lousy at it, so his coworkers rescind their offer of drinks afterwards. Geez, what did you expect? He's never played before. Try being a little supportive!
I'm out of room, so I'll stop the scene by scene now.
Gay Characters: None specified, except maybe, possibly, the coworker.
Homophobia: Jexi makes some homophobic comments, but she's like evil, so I'll let it pass.
Heterosexism: The romance between Phil and Cate, of course. No one else expresses heterosexual interest.
Premise Problem: Why is Phil so afraid of social contact? He's addicted to cell phones, but that's the result of his social isolation, not the cause.
Plot Problem: Phil's life needs to spin out of control, with increasingly bigger and bolder consequences of Jexi's malevolence. He should be hanging off the Golden Gate Bridge with lions released from the zoo approaching. Instead, we get some insipid plot complications, Jexi sending his dick pic to everybody he knows and making Cate's ex-boyfriend (Justin Hartley) show up.
The NSFW version is on Righteous Gemstones Beefcake and Boyfriends
In 2022, a sequel, Top Gun: Maverick, featured some of the original cast and actors playing their children. The guys are still written as straight, with a hetero-romance as the main plot, and Tom Cruise is still aggressively homophobic. Nevertheless, The Daily Beast calls it the "gayest movie of the year," due to a shirtless football scene. 40 years have passed, and we still get nothing but beefcake?
1. Tom Cruise as "Maverick," the focus character in the original, now a flight instructor teaching other Top Guns.
2. Miles Teller, left , as "Rooster," son of his best friend in the original.
4. Glen Powell as "Hangman," a pilot
6. Val Kilmer, left, as "Iceman," Maverick's former rival
More beefcake after the break
Scene 1: Two hunks (Dylan Playfair, Andrew Herr, below)) drop off their girlfriend at a farm, where a fruit stand is staffed by the tall, stone-faced Wayne (Jared Keeso, left) and his friend.
Wayne's friend jokes that the hunks are actually women. Ugh! Why is being like a woman an insult? What's wrong with women? They counter by "accusing" Wayne of being gay. Ugh! This is "quietly queer"? Only 30 seconds in, and I'm sick to my stomach.
But instead of fighting, he criticizes their threat-technique and treasure trails (line of hair leading from the belly to the crotch): "You look like a 12-year old Dutch girl." Why does having a treasure trail make you feminine? I don't get it.
Girlfriend returns and tells them to put their shirts back on. They leave. She's dating them both?
Wayne breaks the fourth wall and tells us: "It's a hard life, pickin' stones and pullin' teats, but it sure beats fightin' fellas with treasure trails." I had to read that several times to figure out: he's given up professional fighting to become a farmer.
Scene 2: Wayne, his friend (Darryl), and the girl (Katy) at breakfast. They criticize Wayne's girlfriend, who dumped him: "she made you soft. You're not even fighting anymore." Then they suggest that he should rebound with "sex. With a girl."
He storms out. Katy follows to suggest meeting someone on Tindr. If you like someone, you just say "On a scale of one to America, how free are you right now?" Huh?
The hunks arrive. Katy wants to know why Wayne hates them so much: "Because they would grab a monkey by the teat if they could." Huh?
Scene 3: Wayne, Daryl, Katy, and a hefty bearded guy (Squirly Dan?) at the produce stand. Squirly Dan tells a story about how they fought some dudes with a Confederate flag on their truck, and Dan got a taser on his nipple ring. Why are people driving around Canada with Confederate flags? It was a rebellion against another country.
McMurry criticizes the new boyfriend of Wayne's ex for being feminine. I'm getting really tired of these retro "being like a woman is despicable" slurs.
He makes a face to demonstrate how girly the guy is, but Wayne won't look over while they're at the urinal. He might see a man's penis and be traumatized for life!
Alexander comes in and stands at the urinal. He drops his pants to pee (nice butt!) McMurry criticizes his penis: "like a mushroom in a corn field."
Scene 5: Back in the bar, Daryl invites them to the Burning Bush Christian Youth Group, where he met his girlfriend, "a good Christian girl." They call him a pervert. So..,I get that some straight guys think women are vastly inferior to men, but aren't they supposed to want to do sex things with them anyhow?
Scene 6: Ontside the church where the youth group is meeting. Some Goth/vampires are dancing. Inside, Christian youth are mingling. Daryl's girlfriend tries basic soul-winning on Wayne, then...it's too disgusting to write about.
She criticizes his proposed use of Tindr to meet girls: "It was originally called Grindr! It was for gay men to sodomize each other! They snort drugs off each other's penises -- that have just been in their bums!" This is quietly queer? On a scale of 1 to America, I'd call it America-homophobic!
The preacher start the meeting: "Isn't God the best? There's almost no one I like more!" He insults his girlfriend. Then a band called Salty Treats perform. The Christian youth start dancing
Wayne is depressed. He didn't realize that Tindr/Grindr is for gays.
"Who knew that he liked the chutney ferret? Knob jockey! Backdoor bandit!" Peals of laughter. Whoops, I was wrong. Way homophobic. "Rear admiral! Oklahomo!" My God, I'm in pre-Stonewall era.
One of the Goth vampires states that he is gay, and doesn't like the barrage of homophobic slurs. Head Goth vampire Stewart says "We know, and we support you," but they continue the homophobic slurs until Wayne goes back inside.
Scene 8: Inside, the preacher is playing an Australin didjeridoo. Wayne notices that most of the boys are looking at muscular torsos on their phones. So they're all gay, and coming to the youth group so they won't be pressured into sex with girls? Or is it just Wayne's fear that Tindr is for meeting men?
Scene 9: After the youth meeting. Wayne, Daryl, and his girlfriend are at the bar. The Goth/vampires wonder what he's doing with "a fertile" (an anti-woman slur?) when he is "gay." Um..she's my friend's girlfriend.
Two hunks overhear the gay reference, and start with the homophobic slurs; "Looking for love over the rainbow, Dorothy?" And so on ad nauseam.
Wayne storms out. This story appears to be about calling Wayne gay or a woman, booth reprehensible beings, so he'll get angry and start fighting again.
The new boyfriend of Wayne's ex -- Troy -- comes in, so they turn their attention to him, by calling him a girl, of course: "What a skirt!"
Scene 10: Outside, Wayne runs into his sister Katy, who tells him about the texts she's been getting all night. "Ur bro is GAY!!! Har-har!" Only four minutes to go! I can't take much more of this rabid homophobia!
She reminds him of occasions where she or Darryl was insulted, and he clobbered the offenders. Now he's suffering the worst insult a man can hear -- GAY!!! -- and he won't fight back? "I miss the old Wayne."
A drunk guy comes out to pee, and drops his pants (nice butt). Troy the Ex Girlfriend's Boyfriend. follows him to take a picture of the butt, then beat him up. I guess to post the picture and humiliate him?
Wayne approaches. Troy insults him: "I stole your girl because you couldn't satisfy her." Dude, you can't steal a girl. She's not an object. She gets to decide who to spend time with. "I've fucked her a lot. I'll do it in front of you, if you like. Maybe your sister would like to join us."
Why no gay "accusations" to finally make Wayne snap? Because Spencer Maybee (Troy) is a gay ally, and refused to say them?
Scene 11: The hunks drop off Katy after another date, but this time they treat Wayne with respect. The end.
Beefcake: Lots.
Subculture of Violence: Violence is an appropriate way to solve personal conflicts.
Sexism: Women are objects. The preacher actually refers to his girlfriend as "it." Being called a woman is the worst possible insult.
Homophobia. Wait -- no, being called gay is the worst possible insult.
My Grade: I need a shower. Next I'll watch something a little more gay-friendly, like a Jerry Falwell sermon.
The premise: this is a genre-bending horror-comedy about a serial killer stalking co-eds, all named Chanel, with the headmistress played by Jaime Lee Curtis, the Last Girl from Halloween.
Scene 1: In the last episode, a swamp monster played by Jeremy Batiste killed a patient at the C.U.R.E. Institute, where "the incurable are curable." Wait, I thought we were at a college. The cop is not impressed, and thinks that Outcast Chanel did it.. Evil Dean Munsch, played by Jaime Lee Curtis, thinks that thecop is an idiot.
The other two Chanels also think that Outcast Chanel did it, out of frustration because she's so ugly no one will screw her: "The closest shes gotten to sex is when a bookshelf fell on her." Why, did it have a book about sex? I don't get the joke. And jealous because they scored hot dates with the Sleazoid Doctors, Brock and Cascade(Taylor Lautner, top photo, John Stamos).
His regular doctors say that it is incurable, but the Sleazoid Doctors think that they can remove the tumors with a CO2 Laser. Except they're too expensive; there aren't any at the center. So just transfer him to a facility that has one.
Last season, she was in charge of a college, and did some crazy shenanigans, but the Chanels foiled her scheme. Dr. Munsch must have brought them here for revenge, sending the swamp monster to pick them off one by one. So, what are her qualifications? All she has is the honorary Ph.D. that the University of Pittxburgh took from Bill Cosby.
Scene 4: Sleazoid Doctor #1 on his movie date with the Head Chanel. She reveals her favorite hobby: dropping popcorn on the floor, so the fatties feel bad about themselves. He loves the idea!
Meanwhile, Orange Boy and Outcast Chanel bond over stories of being the outcast in their cliques. He shows her a picture from before the orange tumors: he was hot! She vows to get him the money for the CO2 Laser.
More screaming after the break
