Feb 4, 2017

The Worst Heterosexist Movie of All Time: "Knowing"

I already have a list of the worst gay movies of all time (the absolute worst is Chuck and Buck), so I'm starting a new list of the worst heterosexist movie of all time.

Heterosexist movies have no gay characters or gay subtexts, plus a hetero romance.  That is, most movies churned out by Hollywood.  It's hard to choose between so many contenders, but I have a suggestion:  Knowing (2009), which is not only aggressively, over-the-top heterosexist, but just plain awful.

In 1959, a classroom of absurdly over-enthusiastic children draw pictures of the future to put in a time capsule (wait -- that's not what time capsules are for).  Except one girl draws long rows of numbers instead.

In 2009, depressed cosmologist John (the hideously ugly Nicolas Cage) asks his advanced astronomy class to write their term papers on whether things happen for a reason, or are just random coincidences.

So basically, evolution or intelligent design?  For astronomy students!  That's absurd. Didn't anyone read this script?

John has an absurd amount of baggage: dead wife, obnoxious son, preacher papa who he hasn't talked to in years, probably due to that evolution/intelligent design thing.

The time capsule opens, and John gets ahold of the rows of numbers.  He deciphers them as the dates, and death tolls, of every major disaster from 1959 to the near future.  The girl was predicting them!

John tries to stop the next disaster by acting like a terrorist, in a scene that had me laughing, although it's not supposed to be funny.

Then he tries to pick up The Girl by acting like a raving lunatic (it works). I haven't picked up a girl since about 1975, but I'm sure I could do a better job than that.  Coincidentally, The Girl has an obnoxious daughter.

All four try to unravel the mystery, especially the last date, a few days from now, with EE instead of a death toll.

Turns out that aliens have been telepathically communicating with kids, giving them long rows of numbers to demonstrate that they know what will happen in the future, and that a global disaster is coming (EE= "Everybody else").

Ok, that's the dumbest warning in history -- long rows of numbers that no one can interpret.  And besides, why warn someone if they can't do anything about it except die?

All of John and The Girl's histrionic machinations come to naught -- the world ends anyway.  So the movie was not only heterosexist, but completely and utterly pointless.

The kicker: the aliens rescue the son and daughter, and maybe some other kids, along with their pet rabbits, drop them off on a world with wheat fields and a tree, and leave.

Wait -- they leave?  Those kids are going to need food and shelter!

I get it.  Boy and Girl and rabbits, ancient fertility symbols.  They're Adam and Eve in a new Eden.

At least the aggressively heterosexist kick in the pants ends the agony of sitting through this mess.

Substantial beefcake can make up for the most inane plotline and the most absurd sacralization of boy-girl romance, but here there isn't any.

There's a collegiate hunk named Sean sitting in the classroom (played by Liam Hemsworth), But, when he's asked to discuss the sun, all he can think of is "It's hot."  An advanced astronomy student?  Too ludicrous to appreciate his hotness!










If you search for "Gareth Yuen" on Google Images, you get someone named Dwayne Cameron instead.

















The obnoxious son is played by Chandler Canterbury, now 18 and kind of cute.

But that's not nearly enough to distract you from the agony.

We have a winner: the worst heterosexist movie of all time.












Feb 3, 2017

The Top 10 Gay Rumors about Scott Baio

Today Scott Baio is a bitter, right-wing blowhard who regularly makes homophobic and Islamophobic comments and is a passionate supporter of the Orange Fuhrer.  But when I was living in West Hollywood in the late 1980s, he had the goods.

Charles in Charge premiered in 1984, with 24-year old Scott Baio as a rather dorky college student working as a live-in nanny to three bratty kids.  After one season, it was cancelled.

 It returned in first-run syndication in  1987, hipper and sexier, with a new, softcore-porn rendition of the opening song:

Charles in charge of our days and our nights.
Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights.
I want --- oooh --- I want Charles in charge of me.

 The kids were no longer bratty -- one was a teenage supermodel.  And Charles was a confident A-Gamer.

Who had a chest, and wasn't afraid to use it.

And a bodybuilder boyfriend named Buddy (Willie Aames).

I never went to tv show tapings, unless I had out of town visitors.  They were tacky and touristy.  But I went to Charles in Charge several times, just to gawk at Scott and Willie.



Scott was so fey, and the gay-subtext buddy-bonds were so intense, that everyone  in West Hollywood assumed he was gay.

Well, maybe bisexual: he was linked with Heather Locklear, Melissa Gilbert, Leslie Ann Warren, Nicolette Sheridan, and Nicole Eggert, who stated that she lost her virginity to him in 1989, at age seventeen.

But the gay rumors were ubiquitous.  Most were the standard backstage hookups and closeted dates, but there were others -- vulgar and raunchy, about abuse, domination, and humiliation.  They make you feel sorry for the guy.

Here are 10 most interesting rumors about Scott Baio's gay hookups and dates:

1. His first gay hookup was with Eddie Mekka, who played Carmine on Laverne and Shirley.

2. A three-way with his cousin Jimmy and Ricardo Montalban, the star of Fantasy Island.  

3. When he was on Happy Days, Henry Winkler (Fonzie) asked him to "sit on it."

The full list, with nude photos and sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.

Ghostwriter: Urban Teen Muscle


If you were a kid in the early 1990s -- or even if you were an adult -- you probably watched Ghostwriter (1992-95), the best PBS series of all time.  Instead of the raucous muppets of Sesame Street or the conflict-less Mr. Rogers, it had a group of multi-ethnic kids solving mysteries in a rather realistic Brooklyn,New York. Sort of like the 1990s version of The Electric Company, but here the problems were grittier: gangs, kidnappings, drugs, arsonists, corruption, and even divorce.

Their benefactor was Ghostwriter, a being who manifested to Jamal (Sheldon Turnipseed) one night.  Invisible, unable to speak, he communicated by rearranging letters on signs, in books, even in sentences the kids wrote down.

At first he didn't know who or what he was -- a ghost, an earthbound spirit, an alien -- but gradually he remembered a few things: he was the ghost of a man,  he lived over 100 years ago, and he didn't like the sound of dogs barking.

The Ghostwriter team consisted of  three boys and three girls, all in late childhood or early adolescence:

1. Jamal
2. Alex (David Lopez)
3. Rob (Todd Alexander Cohen), replaced by Hector (William Hernandez).
4. Lenni (Blaze Berdahl)
5. Gaby (Mayteana Morales, Melissa Gonzales)
6. Tina (Tram-Anh Trang)

Alex and Tina commence a hetero-romantic relationship, but none of the other characters express any heterosexual interest.

There is significant buddy-bonding between Jamal and Hector, however, and beefcake, as Jamal begins to noticeably bulk up, providing teenage muscle that is rare for children's programming.


William Hernandez is gay, and the only one of the boys still involved in acting. He appeared as himself on MTV's The Real World (2004-2005) and later appeared in the gay comedy A Four Letter Word (2007).

David Lopez attended Rutgers, and upon graduating moved back to Colombia.

Todd Alexander and Sheldon Turnipseed attended NYU together.  Both seem to have dropped off the map.

The biggest mystery -- who was Ghostwriter? -- was never revealed during the series.

But 20 years later, in a March 2013 article, writer Kermit Frazier tells us: he was a runaway slave who was teaching other slaves to read in the woods, when he was killed by slave catchers and their dogs.  His spirit was trapped in the book that Jamal found.

Feb 2, 2017

Unexpected Beefcake on "My Name is Earl"

I've been re-watching My Name is Earl (2005-2009), about a lowbrow ne-er-do-well (Jason Lee) trying to reform by going through his list of misdeeds and righting them, one by one. He's assisted by his dimwitted brother Randy (Ethan Suplee) and a series of friends and antagonists.

More gay subtexts than the gay-free Raising Hope, even two gay characters.  But not a lot of beefcake.  Until we got to the Season 2 premiere.

Earl's ex-wife Joy (Jaime Pressley) steals a truck, not realizing that there is a guy locked in the back.  In order to get him out without revealing their identities, Earl and Joy order him to take his shirt off and use it as a blindfold.  Later we see him in his underwear as Joy chases him across a field.



Lots of shots of the guy's muscular physique!























Wondering who he was, I looked him up on the IMDB, and found Josh Wolf (1974-), a comedian who has also appeared on Raising Hope, and as himself on Chelsea Lately and his own talk show on CMT (2015-).















On Shark after Dark, Josh and fellow comedian Courtney Davis tried to survive New York City naked.















He is happy to receive admiration for his chest from gay men, and he tweets:

Do people who think being gay is a choice want to sleep with everyone all of the time but they just choose not to?

I don't know what that means, but it sounds gay positive.




The Gaithers: The Gay Connection in Christian Gospel Music

When I was growing up in the Nazarene Church, I hated the hymns even more than the screaming, Bible-pounding sermons: we sang three during every service, nine per week, all chosen from the same 40 or 50 in the Nazarene hymnal.

They were all slow, creaking antiques with archaic language, deadly dull, repetitive lyrics, and simplistic marching-band melodies.

I will sing the wondrous story of the Christ who died for me.
How He left His home in glory, for the cross of Calvary.

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms.
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

What can wash away my sins?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
What can make me whole again?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

And those are the liveliest.  I felt like stripping off my Sunday suit and tie, just to mix things up a bit.


So it was a relief to go to NYPS (Nazarene Young People's Society) every Sunday before the evening service, where we got to sing "contemporary gospel," mostly songs by Bill Gaither:

If there ever were dreams that were lofty and noble, they were my dreams at the start.
And hope for life's best were the hopes that I harbored down deep in my heart.

The marketplace is empty, no more traffic in the street.
All the builders' tools are silent, no more time to harvest wheat.

Interesting images, a vocabulary larger than 10 words, and melodies that didn't put you to sleep.  Not exactly Led Zeppelin, but a thousand times better than "Leaning, leaning, leaning."


Born in 1936 in northern Indiana, Bill Gaither worked as an English teacher before nearly single-handedly introducing contemporary musical styles into the staid tradition of Christian music.

At first he was met with resistance: parents refused to allow their children to attend his concerts, and pastors denounced his songs as Satanic.  But by the 1970s, the new hip Jesus People-Campus Crusade crowd of evangelicals latched onto him, sometimes even the more progressive Nazarenes.

He performed in the Bill Gaither Trio, with his brother Danny and his sister Mary Anne and friend Gary McSpadden (the one with the whitest teeth).

Eventually their children, grandchildren, and various hot guys with bulges and very, very white teeth got into the act.


Ok, so what's the gay connection?

1. Did you see the way these guys hung all over each other?

2. Speaking of hung, live performances were always...um...interesting.

3. Bill Gaither singing "He touched me."

4. Mark Lowry, former member of the Gaither Vocal Band, is reputedly gay.


5. Marsha Stevens, the gay Christian songwriter who wrote the classic "For Those Tears I Died" (second left, with her lover Caroline Pino), appeared on Gaither Homecoming in 2002.  Gaither said "I appreciate your ministry," apparently referring to her ministry to gay Christians.

6. Son Benjy Gaither wrote and performs three songs in Bridegroom (2013), about the legal and emotional hurdles faced by a gay man after his partner dies.

See also: The Sanderson Boys Get Naked.

Feb 1, 2017

Willie Aames: From Buddy to Bible Man

Born in 1960, Willie Aames was a television fixture from 1971 through 1990. The only question is, when precisely did he turn from "cute kid" to a bodybuilder that drew the attention of every gay male teenager with access to a remote?

Was it when he played troubled T. J. Latimer in the angst-ridden Family (1976-77)?

Shipwreck survivor Fred Robinson in The Swiss Family Robinson (1975-76)?

As early as his brief sitcom appearance as Paul Sorvino's kid in We'll Get By (1975)?





Certainly by the time he landed the role of troubled Tommy Bradford in Eight is Enough (1977-81),  Willie Aames and his muscles were superstars.


















In 1979 Willie became even more famous for his semi-nude and nude screenshots in the Blue Lagoon rip-off Paradise, but gay teenagers were more interested in Zapped! (1982), in which he and Scott play lovers. Well, college students crazy about girls who nevertheless can't stop grinning at each other.


Intensive buddy-bonding with the dreamy Scott Baio on Charles in Charge followed (1984-1990), though in order to keep viewers focused on Scott's dreaminess, the producers had to minimize Willie's buffness.  They made his character, Buddy Lembeck, stupid, the butt of jokes rather than the source of sighs.


Willie thankfully never sang, but that didn't keep the teen magazines from going into hysterics about his incredible talent -- by which they meant physique.




After Charles, drug and alcohol addiction took their toll, and Willie's acting career fizzled. A stint as Christian fundamentalist superhero Bible Man didn't help him regain his followers or his fame. In 2005, he  produced, wrote, directed, and starred in The Public Life of Sissy Pike, about a Christian fundamentalist girl.









I'm guessing he's not a gay ally.

There are nude photos of Willie Aames on Tales of West Hollywood.


Jan 31, 2017

Richie Brose: 1980s Beefcake Star Opens a Restaurant

This is the physique of a pizza chef.

Richard Brose may not be a household name today, but he was a regular guest star on 1980s tv.  Whenever a casting agent needed a man-mountain, especially for a Sylvester Stallone parody, , they would "call Richie."












He was working as a bodyguard at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas when Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian became a mega-hit (1983), and Universal Studios opened an "Adventures of Conan" attraction.  They needed a Conan.  Richie auditioned, got the job, and kept it for the next ten years.

In 1984, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure was casting a scene where Pee-Wee Herman rides his bike through a movie studio, disrupting a lot of movies being filmed.  Richie got the part of "Tarzan."

For the next 6 years, he often drove down from the San Fernando Valley for guest spots on tv:

He played a wrestler on Night Court (1985).


"Chesty" on Trapper John, M.D.(1985).

"Rambo Type Man" on Misfits of Science (1985).

"Hambro" on Hunter (1986).

A Hunk on Perfect Strangers (1986).

A fitness trainer on Charles in Charge (1988).




But his real love was cooking.  He opened a restaurant in Antelope Valley, and in the 1990s he relocated to Vancouver, Washington to open New York Richie's.  He now owns several pizza places in the northwest, but he returns to show biz from time to time.  He played Batman at Magic Mountain, and in 2006 he became an associate producer of Being Earnest, an adaption of the gay-subtext classic.

No indication of whether he's gay or not, but not a lot of gay men flee Los Angeles for the haven of LaGrande, Oregon.

A Time Traveler from 1979 Brings Me Guys

Plains, September 2016

I'm having a terrible month: my father is sick, my boyfriend has moved away, and my classes are going horribly.  Depressed, I go jogging, and then stop into the gay-friendly coffee house for a post-jog smoothie.

Bruce is standing in line with a friend!

Not the Bruce I know now, chubby and bald, fighting health problems and chronic depression.  The Bruce I knew in college in Rock Island: tall and slim, with a sharp face, blue eyes, unruly dark-blond hair, a short beard, an impish smile.

The Bruce I knew in 1979, when we were 19 years old, full of pep and optimism, ready to take on the world.

I am so shocked that I just stand there, staring.


This guy doesn't just look like Bruce from 35 years ago.  He has the same stance, the same gestures, the same bemused, sardonic expression.

Years slip away.  I want to go up to him and ask about the assignment in Modern American Literature class. I swear I hear "Shadow Dancing" playing in the background.

Gaining control of myself, I stand in line behind "Bruce" and his friend.

They are talking about science fiction!  Bruce loved science fiction.

I've rekindled lots of old relationships since moving to the Plains: my Dad's old navy buddy, my grade school boyfriend, the nephew of my first sexual experience.  This must be a relative.

But Bruce doesn't have any children.  He has a sister; it must be a nephew.. 



"Bruce" and his friend get their orders -- coffee and chocolate-walnut bars -- and walk past me to the tables.  I stare.  "Bruce" ignores me.  The friend smiles.

They are both in their 20s, probably college students.  The friend is of medium height, rather cute, with short brown hair, prominent eyebrows, and an attractive "lost boy" expression.

I get my order and sit across from them, close enough to hear their conversation without drawing attention to myself.  Bruce's profile on Facebook lists no nephews.  Nobody of college age on his friend list.

This makes me more anxious to talk to this guy, to find the connection with my Bruce from 35 years ago. 

Of course, I'm not about to walk up to him and say "You look just like someone I knew 35 years ago."  I don't want to draw attention to my age, and besides, it's the oldest pickup line in the book.  I'd get sneered at.

Besides, I'm afraid.  Could this be my Bruce, zapped to the future in a weird time warp?

The full story, with nude photos and explicit sexual situations, is on Tales of West Hollywood.




"

Jan 30, 2017

The Joy of Guys Who Aren't Naked

Have you ever noticed that some guys look better with their clothes on?  Seeing them naked doesn't add to their charm, and may even detract from it.

Clothes were originally designed as ornamentation, after all, to increase your attractiveness by giving the illusion of muscle, by drawing attention to the face or crotch, and by adding color and contrast.

Here the black tie and sweater contrasts beautifully with the pale skin and reddish-blond hair.  Nude, the paleness would be overwhelming.


















After years of beefcake-watching, I'm quite sure what this guy is packing.  It won't be impressive.  But the bright-red, ribald t-shirt is a perfect counterpart to his expression of farmboy innocence.









With a sharp, severe face and sculpted physique, seeing what his penis looks like would be anticlimactic.


















Keeping it hidden can be more erotic than openly displaying it. The mystery is half the fun.  Hairy or smooth?  Muscular or slim?  Mortadella or Kielbasa?

















Uniforms, symbols of status and authority, are especially flattering.  This uniform accentuates the guy's chest and draws attention to his shoulders. Meanwhile his gun draws the eye downward to his rather impressive bulge.

The full post, with nude photos, is on Tales of West Hollywood.












Jan 29, 2017

The Russian Penis Museum

Are you interested in seeing the 13-inch long penis of Grigor Rasputin, the mad monk of Imperial Russia, pickled in a jar?

Or a painting by Vera Donskaya-Khilko of Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin dueling with erect penises?  Putin is better equipped, with two penises.

Then you should check out the Tochka-G Museum of Erotic Art in Moscow.

Yes, in Moscow.
It has more than 3,000 X-rated paintings, drawings, and sculptures dating from ancient times to the present, like this very well endowed Indian mystic who has discovered a new way of doing yoga.

Or a sex parody of the Flemish children's comic Suske and Wiske.

But it's not about porn, it's about liberation, about starting a conversation about sexuality and desire in puritanical Russian society.

It might not last long; objections are coming fast and furious, from the government, from the Russian Orthodox Church, and from passersby who duck their heads inside and yell "Think of the children!"

Curator Alexander Donskoi has accumulated mostly heterosexual art, though there's a lot of gay interest.

Like 2 six-foot tall penis sculptures.

I'm sorry, I can't find any way to show you the penis sculptures and Rasputin's pickled penis.

See also: The Russian Beefcake Museum; and the Top 12 Public Penises of Russia.