"Fire Island": Swishy, Asian, and fat guys face the world of "No fats, no femmes, no Asians" on Fire Island

 

I lived in Manhattan for four years, but visited the gay resort of Fire Island only twice, in the off season.  But I heard stories of the summertime: nonstop bacchanalia, the whole island turning into a bathhouse, the swimming, dancing, and socializing just breathers amid the tricking.  Guys who lived closeted lives back in the city, who rarely hooked up and never dated for fear of Mom or the boss finding out, became intoxicated by the sexual freedom.   So I am expecting the 2022 movie Fire Island to be a sex romp.  

Scene 1 (Thursday): Asian muscle guy wakes up, thinking of that quote from Pride and Prejudice: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."  Well, Austin was wrong: not every man wants a wife.  Cut back to see a black muscle hunk in his bed!  Surprise -- he's gay!  Not really -- I read the synopsis.  Asian muscle guy (Noah, played by Joel Kim Booster) is shocked that last night's trick is still around.  "He had the boyfriend look -- that's not me."  

Noah rushes to get to the dock on time.  He sees his "faggots" beckoning furiously from the ferry.  "Don't cancel me," he cautions. "I'm reclaiming it."   

They are all 30-ish queens who flutter and carry handbags and call each other "girlfriend."  He explains: they all met ten years ago, when they were working at a brunch spot in Williamsburg: "Bottomless mimosas."  

1.-2. Luke and Keegan (back row left), a couple, I think, dropped out of film school.

3. Max (back row right), a little chunky, reading a biography of Marilyn Albright, is super-smart but a bit of a downer.

4. Howie, his best friend (front row right), has a cushy job in San Francisco, but returns for the Fire Island trip every year.  They bonded over the anti-Asian prejudice they experienced in the gay community. 

Hey, there are five friends, and there are five Bennett sisters in Pride and Prejudice.  Could there be a connection?

Noah takes his shirt off, but doesn't draw any attention from the other guys on the ferry.   Although he's a muscle-hunk, he still has trouble hooking up in a culture that values whiteness, thinness, and masculinity: "No fats, no fems, no Asians." He's two out of the three!

Scene 3: They arrive at Fire Island, and drag their "hello, kitty" luggage all the way up to the beach house.  Most of the men they pass are cruising everyone -- except them.  Howie tries a "hello," and is told "No, thanks."  This seems a little harsh.  Surely someone on Fire Island is into feminine men! 

They are greeted with "Bitch!  I thought I smelled some bottoms!" by their lesbian fag hag friend, Erin.  (It's ok, I'm reclaiming it).  Noah explains: ten years ago she accidentally ate a piece of glass at an Olive Garden, got a huge settlement, and bought the house where they all spend a week every summer.

Scene 4: Noah and Howie smoking and drinking.  Howie is upset because Fire Island is all about hooking up, and he wants a boyfriend.  Noah scoffs: monogamy was invented by heterosexual men to maintain control over their wives' bodies.  Gay people are free from all that nonsense; so just pick a dick or two, and have at it!  Ten to one they get together. 

Howie also states that he's never had sex.  A cute, young guy living in San Francisco wants sex but can't find a partner?  Impossible!  Just walk down the street; you'll be cruised a dozen times.  I'm over 60, living in a small town on the Plains, and if I want "Mr. Right Now," I just have to go on Grindr for about 20 minutes.  

Howie agrees to let Noah set him up with a trick.  Except he has to be a nice guy.  

Scene 5: Plot complication: Mama Erin reveals to the "girls" that she's broke, so she has to sell the house.  They're too poor to come unless they get free lodging, so this will be their last week on Fire Island, ever.  

I'll stop the scene-by-scene there.  You just need to know that:

1. This movie is heftier than I expected, centering on the problems that feminine and Asian men face in a gay culture that denigrates or fetishizes them.  

2. There are lots of parallels with Pride and Prejudice.  It's easy to identify Noah as Elizabeth Bennett, Howie as Jane, Will (Conrad Riccamora, left) as Mr. Darcy, and Charlie (James Scully) as Mr. Bingley.  

3. And there's all of the foam parties, underwear parties, fetish parties, dark room hookups, beach hookups, veranda hookups, and behind-the-bushes hookups that you remember (or heard about).  I didn't think that such things still happened in the era of Grindr, and in fact Noah loses his cell phone right away, giving his erotic machinations a distinctly nostalgic feel. 

My Grade: A.

"The Villains of Valley View": Classic Disney Teencom about a Supervillain Family in Hiding

 

A sitcom commonplace sends people with magical or arcane powers to live in the mundane world, where "my secret"-type gay subtexts abound.  But usually they are the good guys.  In the Disney teencom The Villains of Valley View (2022-) they're villains; a family of supervillains in hiding. Can I still hope for gay subtexts?

Scene 1: The nuclear family watching tv: mom, teenage son (Reed Horstman, below), teenage daughter, preteen son.  Dad (James Patrick Stewart, left) brings out popcorn.  Ugh, what a cliche.  No one ever actually eats popcorn while watching tv.  

Daughter complains: "Is this what our life is now?" "Yep, this is what regular families do."  

Doorbell.  They get into fighting mode, but remember that they have to act "regular."  Mom announces what everybody knows: "It's our landlady, Cecilia, and her teenage granddaughter, Hartley."  They invite themselves in for Family Movie Night, and pepper the family with questions about where they're from and why they moved to....of all the places to hide, they picked...ugh...Texas, the worst place in the world! 

Scene 2: Flashback to Centropolis, two weeks ago.  In their evil headquarters, the 13-year old Colby (Malachi Barton) is depressed because his superpowers haven't come in yet.  In other news, Mom was passed over for the promotion to the Council of Evil Villains.  Daughter Amy (supervillain name Havoc) is so upset that she rushes out to confront the Big Boss.  

Scene 3: Landlady and granddaughter leave (in a pleasant surprise, the teenage son never once comments on her hotness).  The family discusses why they have to be incognito:  the Council of Evil Villains is after us.  They don't like deserters?  Plus their attempts to take over the world raised the ire of many superheroes, not to mention mundane law enforcement.  

Scene 4: At the high school, Amy plans to use her sonic powers to get revenge on the math teacher for giving her Fs (because her answers are all "can't read the paper of the girl next to me").  Her brother Jake (supervillain name Chaos) disapproves, because using superpowers means risking exposure.  He suggests that she become a better person by doing non-villainous things like making friends.  Just then Hartley (landlady's granddaughter) walks by.  "No way!  She's nice, and friendly, and always sees the best in people.  That's everything I despise!"

Too late: Jake pushes them together! I'm pleased that the plot arc involves Amy befriending Hartley, not Jake dissolving into a pool of hormones over her.

Scene 5: At home, Dad is fiddling with a device to trap enemies in another dimension.  He's also built a secret lair in the basement.  Mom points out that he's supposed to be retired. 

Surprise!  The 13-year old Colby finally got his superpower: he's a shape-shifter!  They all rush out to watch him use his power to "scare the pants off the locals."  

Scene 6: In the living room after school.  Jake (left) and Amy wait for Hartley to appear: "Remember, control your villain instincts.  Be...um, what's the word?  Oh, yeah: nice."  

Hartley tries to sell Amy on the Sunshine Club, a community service group with stupid hats.  Then it's time for Keeping Up with the Supes: a superhero reality program.  Her favorite is Starling, who happens to be Amy's arch-nemesis.  As Hartley continues to praise Starling and laugh at Amy's villain persona, Havoc, Amy runs into the kitchen and grabs the interdimensional trapper.  Jake tries to take it out of her hand, and...uh-oh.

Scene 7: Mom and Dad return, with Colby as a dog.  Jake and Amy explain the situation.  Suddenly Grandma Cecilia arrives, looking for Hartley.  To stall while Dad invents a device to bring her back, Mom forces Colby to shapeshift into her.  He hates being a girl, with the dress and the boobs.  Please tell me he doesn't find it humiliating.    To make matters worse, it's time for Hartley 's dentist appointment!  

Scene 8: The return-device is finished.  Someone has to go to the other dimension and rescue Hartley.  Dad asks Jake, but he refuses.  Doesn't want to save the girl?  A pleasant change of pace.  Amy volunteers, but she takes the wrong device, so she's stuck there until someone comes to save them both.

Scene 9: It's a creepy dimension full of floating boulders that intermittently hurl themselves at your head.  Amy uses her powers to destroy one, which makes Hartley realize that she's the supervillain Havoc.

Amy explains why they can't go back: after Mom failed to get the promotion, she was so upset that she used a sonic blast on Onyx, the head of the evil council!  Onyx then ordered her minions to destroy the family!

Scene 9:  Jake reluctantly rescues the girls.  They burst into the living room, but Colby/Hartley is there, too!  Seeing two of her granddaughter, Cecilia naturally becomes suspicious. But they dissimulate, and Hartley decides to keep their secret. 

Scene 10: Hartley and Amy bonding on the front porch.  What happened to the dentist appointment?

Beefcake: None.  No beefcake photos of the actors online, except, oddly, Malachi Barton.

Heterosexism: None.

Gay Characters:  Jake never expresses any heterosexual interest, but there are several girls his age in the cast list, so doubtless there was no time in an Amy-centric episode.  Amy and Hartley might have a gay subtext going on.  

A boy named Milo appears in several episodes as a snoop who suspects the family's secret.  He may be gay or gay-vague.

My Grade:  This is a classic Disney teencom, very similar to style and tone to The Wizards of Waverly Place 10 years ago.  Malachi Barton even looks like Jake T. Austin, the stand-out star of that series (left, recent photo).  There are also hints of other organized-superhero sitcoms, like The Thundermans and Henry Danger.  But this isn't really aimed at viewers who have seen those other shows.  It's for kids in junior high, who come home from school and turn on the Disney Channel, and everything is fresh and new.  I remember those day.  B

See also: The Wizards of Waverly Place

"The Bear": It took 3,430 f-words to realize that this wasn't about gay bears

The Bear, on Hulu (originally on FX): everyone knows that a bear is a hairy, chunky gay man.  Plus the icon for Episode 8 looks like two guys holding hands.  On close inspection, they are not, but still, they're quite chummy.  Is it a gay-themed series?  Searching for "The Bear" and "gay" of course yields 35,000,000 hits, so I'll have to review an episode to be sure.  I chose Episode 4, "Dogs," in which Carmy and Ritchie work together.

Intro: Someone's hands making donuts.  The promo said that this was a meat restaurant, "The Original Beef of Chicagoland." No, it's Roecker's Bakery.

Scene 1:  Behind the store, a slim bearded guy (Ebon Moss-Bachrach, left) is putting a t-shirt on a a giant inflated hot dog.  Curly-haired guy with ugly tattoos (Jeremy Allen White, below) asks why.  "Because fucking kids love fucking hot dogs, dumbass."  "I know, that's why we fucking sell fucking hot dogs."  "We're bringing this fucking hot dog to the fucking kid's party we are catering, so shut the fuck up, fucking dumb ass."  I doubt that these guys are boyfriends. About 300 "fucks" later, we get the gist: they borrowed money from a gangster, so they're catering the kid's party to avoid getting their legs broken.

They try to get the hot dog into their car, but it doesn't fit.  They begin cursing at each other (more) and throwing punches.  Not only are they not boyfriends, they actively hate each other.

Scene 2:  In the bakery, the Chef has prepared a new chocolate cake.  Sydney, a woman, tastes it and pronounces it "ok." He is thrilled.   Sydney asks another employee about the mashed potatoes (essential in a bakery), and is told to "I have been in this kitchen since before you were born, so fuck off." I'm getting nauseated from the "fucks," so I'll substitute f***."    

Scene 3: The hot dog guys on the highway.  Slim guy is laughing hysterically over a video in which "this f**ing guy tries to f** up a f***ing little nerd, and the f*** little nerd just f***ing washes him!  F***!"  I give up.  Just assume that 3/4ths of the dialogue consists of the F word.  Ugly Tattoo guy cautions him to not bring up the stuff about Cicero (a person, not the Chicago suburb.) Cut to Cicero and Slim Guy yelling at each other.  

Scene 4: As they set  up for the birthday party, an old guy approaches Ugly Tattoo -- Carmen.  "I thought  you killed yourself." "No, sir, that was my brother."  Slim guy -- Richie -- takes a pill for his anxiety.  He didn't bring ketchup because only f* assholes put ketchup on hot dogs.  He also wants to know why Carmen brought all this "gay-ass fruit."  

Not only are they not a romantic couple, they're f*** homophobes.  I'm out.

The producers must be so homophobic that they never heard of gay bears, so they didn't expect any confusion.  Or they don't care.

By the way, Richie gets top billing, and Carmen third.  Second billing goes to "Pete," played by Chris Witaske of the comedy series What Men Want.  I'm guessing the answer is "women."