"Q-Force": Swishy queen secret agents save the world from Kazakh spies. With bonus Kazakh cocks.

I heard that Q-Force, the animated series on Netflix, was horribly homophobic, brashly portraying screaming-queen stereotypes from 50 years ago, girlfriend.  So I waited to review an episode until I was in a good mood.  The homophobia will still be annoying, but at least I won't be tempted to smash my tv set.

Wait -- a positive review pointed out that the showrunner, most of the writers, and all of the voice artists playing queer characters are themselves queer. I picked up my jaw from the floor, forced myself to stop yelling "What the f*k," and continued reading: queer people use homophobic stereotypes as a Trojan Horse: the homophobes tune in to get their stereotypes confirmed -- "I told you them nancy boys all think they're girls!" -- but instead get humanized -- "Hey, that nancy boy is a good fighter!"  

Ok, let's take a look:

Scene 1:  2011.  A muscular,  limp-wristed, screaming-queen secret agent is killing people ("Bye, bitch!"), disarming bombs, and throwing rainbow-colored grenades.  The crowd watching cheers. "Best of the best!  He'll be fighting the Taliban!"  

Switch to the secret agent graduation ceremony.  Limp-Wristed Muscle Guy, Steve Maryweather (Sean Hayes), is the valedictorian.  He comes out as gay during his speech ("I want to thank the Marky Mark videos for making me gay." ) I hate it when people say that seeing a hot guy turned them gay.  It convinces homophobes that we all started out straight, but then something "went wrong." And, of course, if you turned gay, you can turn "back to straight" through conversion therapy.

Everyone recoils in disgust at the gayness revelation, and the headmaster quickly names the straight guy Buck (David Harbour) valedictorian.  Agent Mary was expecting a plum assignment tracking down terrorists or drug lords, but because he is gay, he is assigned to the backwater agency branch in West Hollywood.

Why ON EARTH would anyone name a character Agent Mary, evoking an ancient slur that makes older gay men cringe?

Scene 2:  2021, 10 years later. Agent Mary gets up and exercises, while listening to news stories about all the terrorist activity he could be fighting.  Agent Buck calls to be homophobic.  After 10 years?  Why do you keep harassing the poor guy?

Girlfriend goes to work at the West Hollywood Agency, which is staffed by two butch lesbians and a drag queen.  Role call: butch bodybuilder Agent Deb has designed a flying car; dour Agent Stat has located the Malaysian airplane that went missing several years ago; and drag queen Twink -- Matt Rogers -- shows off his "old lady" disguse.

In spite of all their expertise, they never get a case, so they all go home, depressed. Agent Deb is quitting the agency to work at Pep Boys.

Scene 3: Agent Mary in his underwear, preening before a mirror. He finds a gray hair!  Ahh, he's old, and he hasn't saved the world yet!  He calls the Deputy Director and asks for a case, but she says that she's powerless. 

A humorous scene with Agent Mary and the naked male-female couple who are staying at his Air B&B.  He maintains his cover by pretending to be an interior designer, but he complains about the homophobia that has kept him from getting...um...an interior design job for ten years.  "Is there a lot of anti-LGBTQ prejudice in the world of West Hollywood interior design?"    

The agents decide to go rogue and find their own cases.  Agent Twink reveals that last night, during her drag act, she met a guy with a briefcase chained to his wrist and a Kazakh tattoo that said "Anarchy will grow from the blood of the uninitiated."   Sounds suspicious! They look up his profile on Grindr.

Scene 4:  The Director (Gary Cole) calls Deputy Director V to berate her for assigning a case to Q-Force.  She has no idea what he is talking about. "I told Agent Mary that there were no cases available."  "Well, the queers are in the field! They'll screw everything up with all their swishiness!  Fix this!"  She groans and jumps into her helicopter.

More after the break

Cory Chapman: Lots of male friends, some gay roles, a queer buddy, nude costars. So where's the beef?

  

Link to the NSFW version

Atlanta-based actor Cory Chapman leans toward the dark, deviant, and dangerous in his acting roles.  His demo reel shows him being shot, beat up, and arrested over and over.

He first appears in the IMDB in 2012 as "Bad Guy" in Dark Child: The Short Film.

Then a teenage bully in A Love Story.

An "obnoxious egghead" in Foul Mouths: A Teenage Rage, 2013.

A bully in Hear on Evil, 2014.

A bully in Core: A Short Film about Bullying, 2014.

A robber in Hi, 2014

A thug in Better Call Saul, 2018

A stalker in Creep, 2018.

A militia man in The Righteous Gemstones, 2023

One would expect I'm Not Ashamed, 2016, to be about LGBT people, referencing Marlon Brando's famous statement: "I have had homosexual experiences, and I am not ashamed."  Actually it's about the Columbine school shooting.  

Cory has worked in some comedies and dramas, too.  He specializes in playing the white guy in movies and tv shows with an African-American cast:  Groomsman, Kita Lashon, Off the Chainz, Divide and Conquer, The Generational Gap. 

And some gay-themed projects, such as the Facebook series One Love and Boys 2 Gay, and a short about oral sex.

When I was researching Jamar Pusch, I kept complaining that his social media had no interesting photos or clips: no travel, no humor, no family and friends, just flexing and flexing and flexing.  You can only swoon over a guy's muscles and penis for so long. After awhile you're going to want to have a conversation. 

More Cory after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.8: Is Peter a woman? Are Kelvin and Keefe lovers? Does Jesse dye his sideburns?

  

This is the censored version of the review, with no nudity or explicit sexual discussions.  

Link to the uncensored version.

Episode 3.7 was the worst in the series due to its chronological disaster, plot incongruity, annoying misdirections, and assertion that the guys were just good buddies.  Maybe that was intentional,  to disorient the viewers so they would not be expecting Episode 3.8 : It is intricately plotted, and gives us a huge number of queer codes, including one that most fans consider definitive.

Title: "I Will Take You by the Hand and Keep You."  Isaiah 42.6, ESV: "I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you."  We'll see who gets to hold hands.

Reunited with the Loved Ones: After their rescue, the siblings are taken to Rogers Regional Medical Center to be examined.  Gideon must have finally phoned the family, because the partners and kids burst in, coincidentally in the order they need to be in to reach their loved ones without bumping into each other.  

Notice the difference in response:  When they last saw each other, Jesse and Amber were having a marital spat, but they were still together, so they just hug.  

BJ was deciding whether to stay with Judy or not, so he acknowledges her with a forehead-press.  

Kelvin and Keefe had not only broken up, they had a major post-breakup fight.  When Keefe exclaims "Buddy!," indicating that he wants to stay in Kelvin's life in spite of their problems, it comes as a profound relief.  Kelvin buries his head in Keefe's bicep and sobs, mirroring the Isolation Tank Rescue in Episode 1.9.  Keefe didn't actually rescue Kelvin here, but he is bringing him back from the dead.  

We cut to the siblings being interviewed by the police.  BJ and Gideon stand in front of them.  Amber is not present. Keefe waits by the door, still not included in the family; but he does get a bit where he knocks over a trash can and yells "I hate what you had to endure."   They all hate Eli, who left them to suffer and possibly be killed. 

Next, having established that May-May wasn't in on the kidnapping plot, she and Eli bond.  

Which of you is a woman?:  With the marital problem plotlines nearly over, we have time for a deep-dive into the Militia. 

Peter and Chuck are driving a U-Haul full of explosives, followed by a ragtag caravan of militia men. Marshall and Dakota (Sturgill Simpson, Quinn Dunn-Baker) complain that they don't know where he's going.  

Does Peter know?  Two compounds have been destroyed.  The kidnapping scheme has been foiled. Everyone has forgotten the first scheme, which required the truckload of explosives.

They stop at Dodge's Fried Chicken, a real fast-food place on Savannah Highway in Charleston (next to a KFC, har har).  Marshall continues to grumble. Peter asserts that complaining is "like a woman," and Marshall retorts that he drives "like a woman."  They continue to call each other women until Chuck gets tired of it and tells them to focus on the new plan.  Whatever it is.

Peter re-asserts his authority: if they rebel against him, they are rebelling against God, because he is the Keeper of the Word. Uh-oh, another Messiah.

We see again parallels between the Militia and Kelvin's God Squad in Season 2: both societies devoted to the masculine, suspicious of women, informed by homoerotic or homosocial desire. run by a messianic figure. 

The militia is the dark side of Kelvin's God Squad  We can go even farther and juxtapose Kelvin's bodybuilder fetish with the militia's fetishization of the soldier.  

Seasons 1 and 2 featured gay-subtext friendships to counterbalance the development of the Kelvin-Keefe romance.  I was surprised to not find one in Season 3, but maybe it's here, in Peter and Marshall's bickering.

Sexy Time:  With almost no sleep, almost nothing to eat, and only a bucket to poop in for 36 hours or several days (depending on the chronology), I'd be interested in dinner and bed rather than sexy time, but after two militia scenes, we cut to the two couples having sex.

First, BJ and Judy take a bath together. BJ: "The whole time you were in captivity, I would light candles and just cry."  It sounds like they were held for longer than a day.  Also, his eye, puffed out from his fight with Stephen, is almost healed. Maybe a week? 

He continues: "The best way to reset is with a really good, deep fucking."  They play a game of helicopter-penis with an incest motif.  You can sort of see BJ's dick, actually a prosthetic, in the swirling water.

Next it's Kelvin and Keefe's turn.  Keefe has changed into a sleeveless leather top with gold studs from the Jim Morrison Mr. Mojo collection.  The Doors' song "Mr. Mojo Risin'" may be relevant here:

I see your hair is burnin' / Hills are full of fire.

If they say I never loved you/ You know they are a liar.

Kelvin has showered and restored his top wave.  After keeping his body under wraps all season, he displays his backside and butt, again becoming an object of homoerotic desire.  Keefe pretends to give him a massage, but slides right past his shoulders to concentrate on his butt. 

Like BJ and Judy's bath, this is a prelude to "a really good, deep fucking" -- notice that Keefe is thrusting during their conversation, behaving as if the anal sex has already begun.  But even a bare-butt massage is a sexual act; if it were nonconsensual, it would be a "gross misdemeanor" in my state, with a penalty of up to two years in prison.

After being invited to fondle an ex-boyfriend's bare butt, most people would assume that he wanted to get back together, but Keefe has received so many mixed signals in the past that he has to be very careful.  His questions are skillfully designed to push Kelvin to a decision: are they going to be post-breakup pals, good buddies with benefits, or lovers?

First he eliminates the post-breakup pal option by asking if Kelvin and Taryn are dating.  Immediately after asking, he has Kelvin spread his legs, feels up his inner thighs, and starts"taking liberties," as Adam Devine reveals.  The actor needed to be semi-aroused so his penis would look bigger for a cut scene with frontal nudity.  In-universe, Keefe is answering his own question.

Kelvin: "Nah. She ain't my type." I've heard gay men say "You're not my type" to reject a flirtatious woman without coming out, but why would Kelvin feel the need to be closeted with his ex-boyfriend?  This must be a structural ploy to avoid having him say "gay."  

He continues: "I hated all the forced claps and laughter and fun times.  I like doing claps and laughters with you."  I've analyzed this scene in detail, and I still can't think of an in-universe reason for bringing up Taryn's work performance. That wasn't the question, and besides, Kelvin quit his youth minister job, so he's in no position to hire Keefe back.  

But Keefe assumes that he's talking about the assistant youth pastor job, and responds in kind: "I love getting the children zazzed up and excited to learn about Jesus with you." 

Now Kelvin clarifies that he was answering the "Are you and Taryn dating" question, not "Can I have my old job back?"    "I mean, Taryn was nice and all, but she's not you." She was nice, but you can't build a romance from niceness.  You need passion. 

Keefe understands:  "She tried to replace me, but it was a failed try." They're going to be romantic partners, combining eros and phileo, trying to "build something" for the future., reguardless of its impact on Kelvin's career.  Which shouldn't be a problem.  He's not working for the church anymore.  They can move to Atlanta and march in Pride Parades. 

More reconciliations after the break

Matthew William Bishop: leatherman, muscleman, actor, LGBTQ advocate. With bodybulder bonus

  

If you saw this guy standing outside a brownstone in New York, would you a) Run away screaming; b) ask for his phone number.

Link to NSFW version

How about now?

He's Matthew William Bishop, who gave up a career in corporate public relations in 2021, when the acting job bit.  His Some Kind of Wonderful, about four gay guy looking for love in Palm Springs, won four awards for Best LGBTQ Film. 

Then he hit the big time playing the silent supernatural Big Daddy, a symbol of AIDs in American Horror Story, NYC:  (Set during the first years of the AIDS epidemic.)

Matthew is also a bodybuilder, obviously. He took first place at the 2023 Miami Muscle Beach Contest in the NPC Open Super Heavyweight Category.

And a philanthropist, devoted to recovery, AIDS awareness, and LGBTQ advocacy.  10% of the sales of this "Make the Deposits" shirt go to the New York LGBTQ Community Center, so it's probably not dirty.

This isn't supposed to be dirty, either, although a lot of the comments on his Instagram page were from people willing to "choke on it."

More Matt, plus a nude bodybuilder bonus, on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Jake Kelley: Modeling, arm wrestling, and nekkid cowboys

Junior Durkin and Henry Willson: Hollywood's First Gay Romance

When 15-year old New York boy Trent Durkin was contracted by Paramount Pictures, his name was changed to "Junior" to make him seem more wholesome and All-American. 

The ploy worked: Tom Sawyer (1930) was the #1 box office hit of 1930, in part because of the palpable buddy-bond between Tom (16-year old Jackie Coogan) and rascallion Huck Finn (15-year old Junior Durkin).  

Huckleberry Finn followed (1931).

Then Hell's House (1932),  in which a boy (Junior) is framed for bootlegging and sent to juvenile hall, where he falls in love with the younger Shorty (Junior Coughlan).  

And Man Hunt (1933), in which a junior detective (Junior) and his boyfriend (Arthur Vinton) solve a murder.

Before World War II, boys were expected to become interested in girls at the end of adolescence, not at the beginning, leaving adolescent actors free to star in amazingly overt "two boys in love" or "boy in love with older man" movies.

But Junior wasn't just acting.  In 1933, the 18-year old met 22-year old Henry Willson at a gay bar on Sunset Strip.  Willson had just arrived from Pennsylvania, and was writing for movie magazines.  The two became lovers, and when Willson became a talent agent for the Joyce and Pollimer Agency, he hired Junior.

Or maybe he hired Junior before they became lovers.  Accounts vary.

Willson got Junior to leave Paramount for some meatier roles, such as Ready for Love (1934) and Little Men (1934), and suggested that he go back to Trent: a tough, masculine, single-syllable name.  He appeared in Chasing Yesterday (1935) as Trent.

On May 4, 1935, Junior was killed in an automobile accident near a ranch owned by his friend Jackie Coogan's family in San Diego.  He was 19 years old.  Jackie's father and three other people died in the accident as well.  Jackie survived to become a major box office draw, and near the end of his career, Uncle Fester on The Addams Family.

Henry Willson went on to become an important talent agent, creating the beefcake fad of the 1950s by signing on innumerable hunks and changing their names to something tough, masculine, and single-syllable: Rock, Doug, Chad, Nick, Van.  Most were gay or gay-friendly, and many knew their way around a casting couch.

"Bad Ideas with Adam Devine": When you need to f*k the Sadness in a hurry. With bonus buddy bulges and butts

 

Link to the buddy bulges

Sometimes you need to f*k the Sadness in a hurry, and your best bet is Adam Devine.  Not (just) because of his hotness, because his stuff is always upbeat, with no hatred, no tragedy, no angst, not a lot of heteronormative mishegas, just whimsical problems, humorous braggadoccio, and homoerotic bonds. 

But you don't have time for a whole movie, or an episode of  Workaholicsor   The Righteous Gemstones. What do you do?

The reality series Bad Ideas with Adam Devine, streaming on Roku, is a perfect solution. In each episode, Adam. "the world's greatest movie star, the world's greatest lover, the guy who clearly writes his own intros," teams up with one of his comedian buddies to do something dangerous:

1. Compete in the World's Hottest Pepper Eating Contest, in the Bahamas. With Thomas Middleditch of Solar Opposites

2. Compete in a demolition derby, the Night of Destruction, at Perris Auto Speedway, near Riverside, California. With Blake Anderson from Workaholics

3. Become stunt performers in a Western movie (after seven minutes of training). With Rebel Wilson from Pitch Perfect

4. Drive an ice cream truck up highway P3 in Peru, called "the Death Road" for its hairpin turns and 1000 foot drops. With Anders Holm from Workaholics

More after the break

David Boreanaz and Friends: Tortured vampire, fundamentalist FBI agent, homophobic ghost, and a porn video

 

Link to the nude photos
 

Born in Buffalo in May 1969, David Boreanaz graduated from Ithaca College with a degree in cinema in 1991 and moved to L.A. to start his film career. Instead, he found his way onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-99).

Buffy Summers is The Slayer, the "one girl in all the world" with the power to kill the vampires, demons, and other evils who keep escaping from the hellmouth located in suburban Sunnydale, California, while trying to negotiate high school. 

Her scoobies include science nerd Xander (Nicholas Brendan, left); his girlfriend, a 1000-year old vengeance demon;  witch-in-training and eventual lesbian Willow; and  Willow's doomed, bury-your-gays girlfriend.

Not a lot of beefcake in the bunch, but the writers took care of that by giving Buffy lots of boyfriends, including two feuding vampires, the conflicted, tortured Angel (David Boreanaz, top photo), and the sassy punk rocker Spike (James Marsters).  

Literally tortured.  The writers kept trying to out-do themselves in thinking of creative ways to torture Angel.

I liked some of the adventures, such as when everyone in town had to sing instead of speak, or when grinning men who fed on fear started floating around.  And Buffy gave us two indispensable terms for analyzing tv shows, scoobies and Big Bad.  

The attitude toward LGBT people was a bit old fashioned.  Xander, upset because a lady demon rejected him, announces that he's going to go gay. Willow explicitly states that she was straight, but changed to gay.  Their handler shuts them all down, proclaiming that there's no time to worry about "orientations" when they're facing the most severe crisis of all time (every season).

In 1999  Angel left Sunnyvale, except for a few guest appearances, to start his own paranormal detective agency, in Angel (1999-2004).  His scoobies included Cordelia, a reformed high school Mean Girl; the half-demon Doyle (Glen Quinn),  and Wesley (Alexis Denisof, left), a "rogue demon hunter" -- at least in the first season.  Glen Quinn died, and there were many defections and replacement, doubtless because this was not a fun, tongue-in-cheek paranormal adventure.  

I had to keep watching due to a partner who was a big fan, but it got very, very dark.  Sure, Cordelia used to be a Mean Girl, but did that justify putting her through excruciating physical pain in every episode?  I insisted that he fast-forward past  the scene where Wesley's girlfriend spends five minutes dying, in the awareness that she has no soul, so she's headed for extinction. This is supposed to be entertainment?  F*k the Sadness. 

After Angel, David finally managed to break into movies.  I didn't see any of them, and probably won't.  These Girls (2005): high school girls blackmail a "slightly older hunk," who happens to be married, into having sex with them?  In 2005, David was 36.  But at least he gives us frontal and rear nudity.

More after the break

The Hard Easy (2006): two teams of jewel thieves converge on the same target?

Mr. Fix It (2006): a man named -- get this -- Lance Valenteen, har har -- has the job of convinces ex-boyfriends to return to their girlfriends.  He finds himself falling in love with one of his targets.

Suffering Man's Charity, aka Ghost Writer (2007): A sleazy gay predator teacher (Alan Cummings) tries to manipulate a young writer (David) into sex, but upon discovering that he has a girlfriend, kidnaps and tortures him (while he is dressed in lady's clothes, for some crazy reason), then kills him, and puts his name on his victim's unpublished book.  It becomes a hit, which raises the ire of the ghost. Was the writer checking items off a list of "how to insult gay people"?  

David returned to tv with Bones (2005-17), playing an FBI Agent who pairs up with his forensic-anthropologist Love Interest to solve murders.  They appear to be a non-paranormal Mulder and Skully, with Booth (David) solving cases through "intuition, faith, and God," and Brennan (the Love Interest) preferring empirical evidence and naturalistic explanations. It's a slow-burn "will they or won't they?", with the Big Damn Kiss in Season 6, a kid in Season 7, and the Big Damn Wedding in Season 9. 

I never watched, but some reviews dislike Booth's homophobic attitude toward gay and trans people. Other argue that Brennan is pro-gay, and there's a regular lesbian character, so we get "both points of view."

When Bones ended, David moved on to Seal Team (2017-), about the elite U.S. Naval Special Warfare Development Group, not the semi-aquatic mammal.  He plays Master Chief Special Warfare Operator Jason Hayes, aka Bravo 1/1B.  Imagine trying to get all that on your name badge at a conference.

I doubt that there are any gay characters. Perennial gay ally Steve Howey appears in two episodes, playing a straight guy.

So: 25 years of tv series with no or few gay characters, with a few homophobic asides, and in real life, David seems rather ambiguous.  He posts a photo on instagram wearing a GLAAD t-shirt, but also, according to a subreddit, posts that "LGBTQ+ rights, feminism, reproductive rights, and Black Lives Matter are synonymous to communism, tarot cards, and zodiac signs." Wacky.

When the highly-conservative, devout Roman Catholic in his 50s posts a jerk-off video, it's not really sexy, it's rather sad. But I posted pics on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Agent Elvis": McConaughey as the King, Cavalero as a drug dealer with a bulge, and Cole as a dick

 

Link to NSFW version

 Agent Elvis (2023) features The King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley (Matthew McConaughey) interacting with some of the real people and events of the 1960s, like Timothy Leary, Howard Hughes, and the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont, but as a secret agent, working for the mysterious Commander (Don Cheadle).  I reviewed Episode 1.3.

While filming A Change of Habit (1969), Elvis hears about the Moon Landing, and, upset that he's not going, decides to take out his frustration on some drug dealers.   His assistant Bobby Ray (Johnny Knoxville) tells him that Flyboy (Tony Cavalero), who hangs out in the studio parking lot, selling maps to movie stars' homes, actually sells cocaine.   His handler tells him that they still have scenes to shoot, but he rushes down to the parking lot.

Why is Flyboy dressed as a pimp to sell cocaine?  He explains that drug dealing and pimping have an intersecting clientele. 

Who is his cocaine supplier?  Flyboy doesn't want to say, because "snitches get stitches," so Elvis steals his clothes, ties him up in the back seat of his car, and sics his ape companion, Scatter, on him.  Faced with having his head bit off, Flyboy tells him.  

With Flyboy trapped in the trunk, Elvis enters a sleazy apartment building.  His handler appears again, ordering him to get back to the studio to film the remaining scenes. Besides, taking down drug dealers won't get him on the Moon Mission: "No matter what you do, it's not going to turn you into an astronaut."  Elvis doesn't listen: he beats up the drug wholesaler and his henchmen, but Scatter kills them before they can tell him about the big cocaine shipment coming in.

More after the break

Jamar Pusch: A lot of biceps and bulges, an occasional dick, but nothing about the person behind the pecs

  

Link to the bulges and an occasional dick

A poster on the Brock O'Hurn fan board asked if we were familiar Jamar Pusch: "A top predator for sure."  I wasn't, but I soon got an eyeful: he has enormous quads and delts, moderately ripped abs, and the biggest pecs in bodybuilding history.  The measurements don't seem to be available online, but they have to surpass Arnold Schwarzenegger's 54"  Back when I was a gym rat, I topped out at 48"

Ok, now they've crossed the border into grotesque.  You look like you have boobs, dude.

Jamar is very active on social media. His Instagram, tagged, "King of Pecs," has 757,000 followers

He has several Facebook pages.  The biggest, tagged "Tell me the power of a man," has 121,000 members.

Plus Tiktok videos with 2.8 million views, Youtube videos with 280,000 views, and no doubt some social media platforms that I'm too old to know about. 

But they're all bicep-flexing and pec-bouncing.  Every one. No travel, no food, no friends, no family, nothing about his life outside the gym.

This was the only picture with an interesting background.  Otherwise it's just his muscles, with an occasional bulge or dick.

More after the break

"My Life with the Walter Boys": Lots of hunks in small-town Colorado. Plus an are-the-or-aren't -they gay couple.

 

Link to NSFW version

I dislike tv series about how small towns are so much better than big cities, with good old fashioned down-home values -- which means gender-polarization,  mom baking pies and dad watching football, plus heterosexism, every boy gazing wistfully at a girl.  But My Life with the Walter Boys, on Netflix, is about a big-city girl who moves to a ranch in Colorado, for some reason, where the family has five boys!  Including Cole, played by 25 yer old Noah LaLonde!  I'm going to review Episode 3, which has the Homecoming Huddle -- a dance, I guess -- to check for gay characters.

Link to the NSFW version of this review.

Scene 1: In the rustic barn, Sensitive Alex (22-year old Ashby Gentry, far right) is telling focus character Jackie the colorful history of the family's cider wagon and explaining how important homecoming is.

Cut to Brooding Cole, practicing football with his little sister,  who is playing her first junior football game.  He'll be in the stands cheering her on. At least no one is uptight about breaking gender stereotypes.  As he bends over, he winces -- uh-uh, injury.

Scene 2: Two boys at the kitchen table, while Dad (Marc Blucas) talks to someone about the pests eating their crops.  Hopefully the new pesticide will kill the lot.  Mom comes in -- wait I thought it was a single dad -- and drinks coffee while they discuss farm stuff.

Scene 3: At school, Jackie's friend thanks her for not telling Brooding Cole's girlfriend that they're cheating on her (Horndog Cole apparently cheats on everybody with everybody).   

On to a meeting of the fundraising committee for the auditorium renovation. They expect kids to take care of that? Jackie suggests a silent auction. Mean Girl, who hates Jackie because you have to have an antagonist, thinks the idea is ridiculous, but everyone else loves it.  Snarl, snarl. 

Meanwhile, Cole's teammate Skylar (Jaylan Evans) consoles him over not being able to play football anymore.  At least he can still go to the Homecoming after-party.  "There will be booze there!" I thought he was going to say "girls." Nice to see a teenage boy on tv who isn't obsessing over "girls! girls! girls!"

Scene 4:  A teacher complains about Brooding Cole's dropping grades to his guidance counselor, to provide a bridge to a plot about throwing herself at new teacher Mr. Choudhry. Then she confronts Cole: "You're failing everything but shop."  Funny, I passed everything but shop. "Are you upset because you can't play football anymore, so you won't get a college scholarship and be able to escape from this small town?"  Ya think?

Jackie invited the group to her house to work on the silent auction.  They take a break to play "Fuck, marry, kill."  Whoops, sorry, I mean "Kiss, go steady with, be mean to."  Jackie insists that she doesn't want to date Sensitive Alex (the brother she will be staffing the cider truck with).  Suddenly a kid rushes by and splashes paint all over Skyler's shirt!

Scene 5: A plot involving a husband kissing his wife and telling her that it didn't go well (I think he's Will Walter, the oldest son, played by Johnny Link, who is impossible to research on the internet).  He concludes that he's not cut out for real estate.  She suggests doing something that makes him happy.  Sure, but he doesn't know what that is.  (See the parallel with Cole's post-football plight?).

Cut to Skyler in the bathroom -- with the door open! -- trying to clean his paint-splashed shirt.  Nathan (Corey Fogelmanis) sees him and -- wait, is that erotic attraction?  Are there gay people in this small town in Colorado?  He turns to run away, but Skyler sees him and says "Hello, there."  Dorky greeting, Dude. 

"I can throw that in the wash, and lend you one of my shirts."  I think some paint splashed on his pants, too.

Nathan goes through his closet -- very slowly, so he can gawk at Skyler's bod. Then take a break from looking for shirts so Skyler can listen to Nathan's new song. 

Scene 6: Cole and another boy, maybe Danny (Connor Stanhope), watching an old black-and-white movie and eating popcorn (of course -- in movies people always eat popcorn while watching tv.  In real life, almost never).  He asks about going to a movie or camping tomorrw, but Danny is already invested in the drama club's bake sale.  Another gay kid?  Jackie, better make sure that Cole is straight before you land him.

Remember Will from from Scene 5, who didn't know what he liked to do?  He figures it out and applies for a job at the auto shop.  "Sorry, I already hired your brother, Brooding Cole.  He's dropping out of school, and needs a job."  Whoa, bombshell!

Scene 7: In the kitchen, Mom and Dad are discussing farm stuff, when Will (the guy who found out the bombshell) drops in to talk his brother Cole into selling cider at the Homecoming Huddle. Will that convince him to stay in school?  He's still in bed -- with his shirt off, of course -- the director knows her target audience.

I'm out of space, so I'll go through in fast forward to see if there's any resolution to the Skyler-Nate flirtation.  At the Huddle, a giant pre-game festival, Sensitive Alex takes over Broodig  Cole's spot at the Walter Cider booth so Cole can flirt with Jackie (even though Ale isx in love with her himself).  Various other girls throw themselves at Cole, and he's shown in bed again, shirtless, next to -- Jackie? So he is cheating on the girl he is cheating on his girlfriend with.  Not very nice.

No more Skyler-Nate flirtation in this episode, but fan boards were lit up with "Is Skyler gay?"  "Nate and Skyler are just good buddies, right?"  "Can't straight guys love other without everyone accusing them of being gay?"  But the guys end the speculations (except for the inevitable few that refuse to get it, regardless) by holding hands in Episode 8, and kissing in  Episode 9 (at a redneck rodeo, of all places). 

My Grade:  Having a gay couple in the mix is nice, and seeing Cole's chest is nice, but it's still a small-town soap opera, with several heterosexual couples falling in love.B-. 

There are some butts and bulges on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Gemstones Episode 3.7: The handsome man, misdirection, queerbaiting, and me yelling at the screen a lot

 

This is the censored version of the episode review, with no nude photos or explicit sexual discussions.

Link to the nude photos and explicit sexual discussions

In Episode 3.6, we saw the aftermath of the Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breakups, with failed reconciliation attempts, a fist fight, and both Kelvin and Judy quitting their jobs at the church.  In this episode, things get even worse.

When I watched the first time, I kept yelling "What the f*k!", being annoyed, then outraged by the constant misdirections, chronological flubs, and queerbaiting. It looked very much like Danny McBride was telling us: "Kelvin and Keefe are straight buddies.  Fooled you!"

But that's impossible.  There were not only 200-plus queer codes, Season 1 and 2 both ended with affirmations of their love.  McBride didn't know if the series would be renewed, so each season finale might be the last we see of the characters.  And what we see is "They are in love," not "Keefe, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend."

Knowing what comes after,  I am going to re-watch this episode looking for any evidence that suggests that saying "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends" does not mean that "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends."

Title: "Burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."  Exodus 21:25. Fans argued like mad about trying to connect the burn/wound/stripe to the personalities or kidnapping strategies of the Gemstone siblings, but it's a misdirection. The previous verse has the more familiar "eye for eye, tooth for tooth." It just means that the punishment should fit the crime.

Burn for burn and all that:  During the evening of the day of the Aimee-Leigh Hologram debacle, the BJ-Stephen penis fight, and probably the Kelvin-Keefe rocking chair fight, Judy goes to a drug store to buy pain medication for BJ.  On her way home, goons from Peter's militia crunch her car with the Redeemer and grab her. 

Misdirection alert: the trailer makes it look like she is the one crunching. 

Chuck Montgomery tries to trick Jesse, and when that doesn't work, the goons shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.  

Kelvin bangs on the door at Woodpecker's Carpentry, yelling: "Are there any woodworkers in there? I'm looking for Keefe Chambers!"  Now that he's no longer worried about his job at the church, he's free to reconcile with Keefe.    But it's long after hours; the building is dark and deserted. Why would anyone be inside?  Besides, Keefe told Kelvin where he was working; wouldn't he give him his new address and phone number, too?

Imagine if someone were inside: "See, my ex-boyfriend and I had this big fight, and he doesn't want me to have his new number, and I don't know where he's staying...I need to see him...no, I am not a stalker!"

Six militia men wearing scary masks surround Kelvin.  The trailer makes him look paralyzed with fear, but actually he is quite brave, trying to intimidate them and then defend himself.  They punch and hit him, and squirt a toxic liquid into his eyes -- which stings but has no long term effects.  Why does Kelvin need six guys to take him down?  Why does he get a more brutal kidnapping?  I don't know.

Screaming like a woman:  The three siblings are put in what everyone calls a chicken silo, although chickens are housed in coops.  They are tied to chairs, with pillowcases over their heads.  What for?  You don't need to be imprisoned and tied up both.

Fans uncomfortable with the idea of gay relationships noticed that Kelvin's pillowcase resembles the trans pride flag, thereby signaling that he is actually a transgender woman.  Doubtful: Jesse's depicts the cartoon character Maisie Mouse. 

Kelvin yells for help. Uncle Peter enters and asks if he is "screaming like a woman," maybe a dig at his gayness, but more likely because he considers any emotion "like a woman."   He explains that the militia is holding them for ransom.

The handsome man: When Keefe arrives for work the next morning, he sees Kelvin's car with the doors still open, checks the ground for signs of a struggle, and asks his coworkers, "Have you seen The Handsome Man?"  This makes no sense, as Kelvin only visited once, for a few minutes, and most of the carpenters weren't paying attention.

Cut to Amber and BJ noticing that their partners didn't come home last night. Next, Eli, at the office even though he's retired and should be fishing, receives a scary video of Kelvin crying and Judy and Jesse screaming in rage.  The gay one has a "sensitive" reaction. Peter gives the ransom demand.  

Eli goes home and confronts May-May: "Your sons have fucked me over."  She denies that she has anything to do with the kidnapping.

Back at the chicken silo, the siblings complain about the heat and the food, and bicker.  Shouldn't they be praying?  They're religious, right?

Cut to BJ, Amber, Gideon, and Eli discussing the kidnapping with Sheriff Brenda. They were kidnapped in town, so it should be the Rogers Police. 

Notice that Keefe is not there.  Why didn't Eli call him?  Because his number has changed, because they have broken up, or because he is just a friend, not a partner?

The Freemans arrive.  Tiffany has made dolls of the siblings --very quickly -- "for you to hug and kiss until they come home safe."  She gives the Kelvin doll to Eli.  Same question: Why doesn't she save it for Keefe? Because they have broken up, or because they were never partners to begin with? 

Geography problem: How did they get to Eli's house so fast?  Don't they live in Florida?  

The trailer made it seem like the militia sent the dolls, adding a hint of the paranormal that turned out to be a misdirection.  Still, they look like Gullah Island voodoo dolls: "You can hug and kiss them until your loved ones come home safe.  And if they ever stray, you can make their privates fall off." 

More queerbaiting after the break

The naked press bro on the bus with "The Girls on the Bus"

 

I wasn't planning to watch The Girls on the Bus, on Netflix:  a political satire about lady journalists covering a flawed presidential campaign.  Politics are at the bottom of my list of interests, and four ladies bonding won't leave much time for guys. But then I found a scene in Episode 1.6 where Peter Kendall, playing a "Press Bro," jumps out of a stalled bus naked and runs around, giving us frontal and rear shots.

I wanted the full story. Is he being chased?  Did he see something he shouldn't have?  Did a jealous boyfriend catch him in the act?

Link to NSFW version

The girls are Sadie, who writes for the New York Times...um, Sentinel; Grace, a seasoned career journalist from a previous generation; Kimberly, who works for the racist Fox...I mean Liberty News Network, even though she's black; and social media influencer Lola.

Scene 1: The scene of the guy running naked from the bus while the voice over tells us about the importance of debating issues: "This country was founded on argument."  Inside the bus, the journalists are drinking, screaming, bouncing into each other, eating sandwiches, squirting whipped cream, and laughing hysterically, like a frat party on crack. 

Scene 2: Six hours earlier. Sadie the print journalist and Grace the veteran are in a hotel room, examining billionaires for scandals that they can use to take them down.  Meanwhile, Lola the social influencer and her girlfriend are smooching and discussing the clothes they will need for the upcoming trip to a candidate debate in Minnesota. Hey, when I searched for gay or lesbian characters in this show, Autostraddle complained that there were none!   

Lola's manager calls to ask why she hasn't posted for six hours: she needs to be pushing the alcoholic whipped cream, or she'll lose her sponsers, and her $5,000 a week spot at the Clubhouse.  Lola tries to explain that she's been networking, as her girlfriend smooches all over her.

How many girls are there on this thing?  IMDB says that there are only four, but I've counted six so far, and no boys.

Scene 3:  Sadie the newspaper journalist is interviewing Benji about how he is going to capitalize on Walker's victory in South Carolina. He answers with vague doublespeak. Malcolm (Brandon Scott), her ex-boyfriend, accuses her of trying to make him look bad by interrogating his boss. 

She explains that their romance was a conflict of interest, so now everything she says about Walker, the presidential candidate, is suspect.  She can't  be seen talking to him, or she'll be fired.

Scene 4: Waiting to board the bus for the Minnesota presidential debate, Kimmy, the racist-news broadcaster, tells her on-air partner how they can get more airtime: show her boobs.  He disagrees. The other girls discuss their romantic entanglements. 

Uh-oh, Malcolm is getting on the bus. There are lots of other ways to get to Minnesota, so his ex Sadie concludes he is there just to mess with her.

Scene 5: TV commercial ntroducing the candidates at the debate: Felicity Walker, the one they're following; Biff de la Peña (Mark Consuelos); and two others.

Back on the bus, four hours til showtime: Kimmy asks the veteran journalist Grace how to leverage her momentum at the racist network.  

Next Lola the social media influencer calls Kimmy out on the  "heteronormative gender bullshit" at the racist network, and asserts that "gender is just a social construct," which the other journalists think is idiotic. 

 "What about queer, nonbinary, and transgender people?"  "Nonsense. My vagina is real." I think you guys are confusing biological sex, which itself comes in many types other than male/female, and gender identity.  

Lola concurs: "Gender is how society taught you to behave.  It's performative." 

"Nonsense.  I can have babies."  "So can many transmen and nonbinary people, and many cishet women can't." 

More after the break