A Wholesome Family Weekend

I was in Indiana last weekend to visit my mother and sister, and got overloaded with "wholesome" family activities.  Fortunately, we were able to squeeze in some physique-watching.

Saturday:

We arrived in Indiana at 5:00 pm, picked up my sister and brother-in-law, and drove to Edinburgh, in the south.

Edinburgh is known for the Exit 76 Antique Mall, a gigantic warehouse with over 900 dealer booths -- but not much of interest.  I bought two books and an old coca-cola sign.











 Not many attractive men in the mall itself,but the guy at the checkout had a stunningly handsome face.  I was the first person that day to identify his Popeye t-shirt.

After visiting the cemetery to see my father's grave, we had dinner at the Cracker Barrel, a fundamentalist restaurant that fetishizes the "good old days."  While you're waiting for your table, you browse in a store of fundamentalists bric-a-brac, like cds of gospel music and t-shirts saying "I'm going to heaven."  This tall stringbean with brillo hair was chatting up a girl in a secluded corner by the angel costumes.

Our waiter was another tall stringbean with brillo hair -- the boss must have a thing for them.

On to the Quality Inn, a 2-star motel where scary-looking guys smoke cigarettes in the parking lot.  It's on Lover's Lane, next to some other 2-star motels to cater to the hoardes of people who visit small-town Indiana.

Sunday

Breakfast at the Waffle House, where our waiter's name was Buttercup.

Next stop: gas station, where the cute Caleb was on duty.

I had to snap this guy getting gas.  Not much to look at, but he was herding a wife and five kids, all under five years old.  His penis has been very busy.














Next we visited my elderly, conservative, Trump-loving, gun control-hating mother, who insisted that we go to church with her -- Nazarene church, ugh!  About 10 people in the congregation, all over 100.

Then we met up with my sister and brother-in-law again for lunch -- apparently Nazarenes have loosened their restrictions on eating out on Sunday.  Ann's Restaurant, a staple since 1952.

This studly blond wasn't our waiter, but I managed to get a shot of him.

A nuclear family: husband, wife, two young kids.  The husband looks like he could be the waiter's cousin.

On Sunday afternoon my sister and brother-in-law took us to the Johnson County Fair.  Apparently the Nazarenes have loosened their restrictions on going to "fairs, festivals, circuses, carnivals, and the like."
















Monday

On Monday morning, we had breakfast at Denny's.  That's right, Denny's.

This bearded guy in a suit was sitting next to a guy who wasn't in a suit, across the table from an elderly male-female couple.  I wondered if he was gay, eating with his boyfriend.

After visiting my mother again, we were on our own for the day, so we tried browsing in the antique shops in town.  But every single one of them is closed on Mondays.  Every single one!

Well, how about the museums up in Indianapolis, 45 miles away?











Every single one of them is closed on Monday.  What do they expect tourists to do?

We found a YMCA to work out.  Another cute brillo-head.  There must be a whole family of them around southern Indiana.

In the afternoon we spent 6 hours at the Works, a sex club in Indianapolis.

But that's a story for Tales of West Hollywood.  See: "Six Hours at a Sex Club."

How is Big Boy Big?

"Big Boy" is the mascot of the Big Boy Restaurant franchise, which got its start in California in 1936. Original owner Bob Wian was trying to think of a name for his new burger, when chubby six-year old Richard Woodruff walked in.  Wian said "Hello, Big Boy," and the name stuck.  Woodruff became the model for the first Big Boy statues.

As an adult, Richard Woodruff stood 6'6" and weighed 300 pounds.  He became a local celebrity, identified as "the first Big Boy" for the rest of his life.

"Hello, Big Boy" is an interesting phrase. Obviously it referenced his chubbiness, but it reflects Mae West's catchphrase, well known in the era, referencing another sort of size.  The question of "How is Big Boy big?"  would appear in dirty double entendres throughout the franchise's history.

By the 1950s, the mascot had slimmed down and was serving the burgers, not eating them.   

Statues of Big Boy, sometimes up to 7 feet tall, were a familiar sight in the 1950s and 1960s, when there were hundreds of local Big Boys competing with McDonald's, Hardees, and Burger King. Local franchise owners added their own names, so you would see Bob's Big Boy in California, Frisch's Big Boy in Ohio, Elias' Big Boy in Michigan, and so on.

My friends and I made dirty jokes about the Marc's Big Boy in Davenport.  He's obviously short, and not particularly fat, so where's the "big" part?

In the 1980s and 1990s, internal squabbles and an oversaturated burger market caused most of the Big Boys to close.  Today they are popular only in Michigan. 

But what to do with the thousands of Big Boy statues?  Sometimes other companies bought them and transformed them into new mascots.

One unique aspect of the Big Boy restaurants were comic books distributed to kids to keep them quiet while they waited for their food.  You could also just buy a copy without ordering anything.

Adventures of the Big Boy appeared several times a year from 1956 to 1996 (over 500 issues). Some issues had a distribution of over a million copies, placing them among the exalted ranks of Superman and Batman.

The books were taken seriously.  Each issue featured a few pages of gag strips, informational articles, an advice column, and at least one 6-page adventure, science fiction, and mystery story,involving Big Boy and his gang (a girlfriend, a best male friend, a dog, and an arch-nemesis).  He was a scrappy, somewhat blustery hero, similar in personality to the 1930s Mickey Mouse.  Among the artists were comic book greats Stan Lee and Dan DeCarlo. 

In the 1970s there were more tv show tie ins.  Big Boy and his friends visited Battlestar Galactica, BJ and the Bear, The Muppet Show, and the Superman movie.

One doesn't expect a lot of beefcake in a comic about a fat kid.  On the rare occasions that his physique was displayed, he was rather dumpy.  But there were occasional musclemen among his friends, allies, and foes.

Not a lot of buddy-bonding, either.  But the question remains, hiding a homoeroticism beneath the spashy macho shenanigans: "How is Big Boy big?"

Bob's Burgers: The Most Gay-Positive Sitcom on TV

Since 2011, Bob's Burgers has been airing on Sunday night, in the company of Family Guy and American Dad.  But it is quite different from those programs.

1. The father and mother in the nuclear family are not insensitive jerks.
2. They accept their children's idiosyncracies, instead of berating and belittling them (on American Dad) or maiming and murdering them (on Family Guy)
3. There are no sociopaths (like Roger Smith and Stewie Griffin), who kill, maim, and express same-sex interests all in the same scene, as if they are all equally disgusting.
4. There are few if any jokes involving menstruation, masturbation, vomiting, golden showers, diarrhea, or body fluids in general.
5. No one ever collapses in a pool of blood.
6. No one ever expresses hatred of blacks, Asians, Native Americans, Jews, Muslims, women, gay men, lesbians, or transgender persons.

In short, you never think you're watching a Nazi recruitment film scripted by potty-mouthed third graders.

It's about a small, struggling burger joint in a resort town in New Jersey, run by aspiring chef Bob Belcher (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin, top photo) and his New York accented wife, Linda (John Roberts).  Plotlines generally involve restaurant problems, such a visit from the health inspector, competition with the pizza place across the street, or buying a food truck -- and the problems of the three kids:



1. Shy, socially-awkward teenager Tina (Dan Mintz).
2. Chubby preteen Gene (Eugene Merman), an exuberant nonconformist who may be gay.
3. Preteen rebel Louise (Kristin Schaal), who always wears bunny ears (no one in the family seems to care).

Heterosexism appears on occasion.  A boy band has only female fans, and when Gene gets a secret admirer, everyone assumes that it must be a girl.  But not often.  Usually same-sex desire and relationships are seamlessly integrated into everyday life.

Bob gets a part-time job as a taxi driver, and finds himself driving a group of drag queens home from the bars.  Does he:
a. Freak out, but learn tolerance.
b. Rescue the drag queens from homophobic harassment.
c. Invite them to the restaurant.

Answer: C.  Invite them to the restaurant.

At Christmastime, Bob decides to reconcile with his estranged Dad, Big Bob.  They meet in a gay bar called the Junkyard.  Why?
a. Neither of them realize that it's a gay bar until they get hit on; then they freak out but learn tolerance.
b. Big Bob tells Bob that he's gay and closeted; that's why he withdrew from the family.
c. Big Bob likes hanging out there with his gay friends.

Answer: C.  Big Bob just likes hanging out there.

Gene announces that he is gay.  What happens?

a. The family freaks out but learns tolerance.
b. The family goes overboard with acceptance,
c.  Nothing.

Actually, this episode hasn't appeared yet, and it's not likely to, because stories require conflict and, at least on Bob's Burgers, there wouldn't be any.  Being gay is perfectly ordinary; the family wouldn't have a reaction to it.

By the way, John Roberts, the voice actor who plays Linda, is gay.

Wahlburgers: 4 Seasons, No Underwear

Marky Mark Wahlberg, who rose to fame as a pants-dropping rapper and later spun his mega-buffed physique into serious dramatic roles, is now in his mid 40s, and the star of a reality series, Wahlburgers (2014-)

32 episodes so far in two mini-seasons per year, in the spring and summer.

It's actually about Wahlburgers, a "family" restaurant run by his brother Paul, back in Boston. Of course, Mark gets into the act, as well as two other actor brothers, Donnie and Bob, plus various wives, children, and family friends.

Plots involve scouting out new restaurant locations, scoping out the secret sauce, helping friends get their careers off the ground, and various family squabbles.  Pretty dull stuff.

You weren't a big enough star to make your family intrinsically interesting, Marky.

Still, there are the physiques...

Mark is fabulously built, of course, and Donnie, a New Kid on the Block back in 1990, now a regular cop/soldier/tough guy in tv series like Blue Bloods, is not bad.

Unfortunately, neither disrobes often.  An occasional chest, no underwear.

And the other brothers are less than droolworthy.

Family friends/investors look like they belong on the set of Cheers.  They're either Cliff or Norm.

Most of the brothers' children are still preteens.  Donnie's sons, Xavier Walhberg and Elijah Hendrix Wahlberg, are 23 and 15, respectively, but do not appear on the show.

That leaves Brandon, son of sister Tracey, an aspiring actor who works at a warehouse.  He had a Marky-style physique.

But he doesn't take his shirt off on camera.  This photo of his impressive arms is from his twitter page.

Well, at least the food looks good.

See also: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

Richie Brose: 1980s Beefcake Star Opens a Restaurant

This is the physique of a pizza chef.

Richard Brose may not be a household name today, but he was a regular guest star on 1980s tv.  Whenever a casting agent needed a man-mountain, especially for a Sylvester Stallone parody, , they would "call Richie."

He was working as a bodyguard at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas when Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan the Barbarian became a mega-hit (1983), and Universal Studios opened an "Adventures of Conan" attraction.  They needed a Conan.  Richie auditioned, got the job, and kept it for the next ten years.

In 1984, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure was casting a scene where Pee-Wee Herman rides his bike through a movie studio, disrupting a lot of movies being filmed.  Richie got the part of "Tarzan."

For the next 6 years, he often drove down from the San Fernando Valley for guest spots on tv:

He played a wrestler on Night Court (1985).

"Chesty" on Trapper John, M.D.(1985).

"Rambo Type Man" on Misfits of Science (1985).

"Hambro" on Hunter (1986).

A Hunk on Perfect Strangers (1986).

A fitness trainer on Charles in Charge (1988).

But his real love was cooking.  He opened a restaurant in Antelope Valley, and in the 1990s he relocated to Vancouver, Washington to open New York Richie's.  He now owns several pizza places in the northwest, but he returns to show biz from time to time.  He played Batman at Magic Mountain, and in 2006 he became an associate producer of Being Earnest, an adaption of the gay-subtext classic.

No indication of whether he's gay or not, but not a lot of gay men flee Los Angeles for the haven of LaGrande, Oregon.

Fall 2008: The Rapper and The Grabby Male Nurse

In the fall of 2008, I was living in Upstate New York, dating guys from the Gang of Twelve, who had all known each other for years and talked to each other about everything.  Especially their hookups, dates, and boyfriends.

The Rich Kid set me up with the Truck Driver, and then, without telling me, his ex-boyfriend, the Rapper. Days after they broke up.

Date #3: The Rapper.   The photos he sent with his introductory email were amazing.  He was in his 20s, African-American, short, muscular but tending to fat, and super-sized beneath the belt.  Exactly my type!

He grew up in the City, and came Upstate to study music management at SUNY Oneonta.  Now he was working in an insurance agency, but hoped to launch a rap career.

On our date, the Rapper took me to a program of African dance and music at the university, and then back to his apartment, where he performed one of his rap numbers

.I hate rap, but I politely said "You're very talented.  You should have no trouble getting a record contract."

Of course, I spent the night.  In the morning, over breakfast, I told him about my dates with the Rich Kid and the Truck Driver.

"The Truck Driver!" he exclaimed.  "That's my ex!  Figures that the Rich Kid would fix you up with both of us, and wait to see the fireworks!"

I stared, feeling stupid.  How could I have gone through dates with both of them and not noticed?  

"He was exactly my type, " the Rapper continued.  "I'm into tall white dudes with muscles and an extra-big package. Man, he had everything!"

"Well, I don't like to brag, but..."

He grinned.  "Don't get jealous on me, man. You have everything, too."

"Do you think the Truck Driver will mind us dating?" I asked.

"Well, it's kind of soon after the breakup, so don't tell him, ok?  Or the Rich Kid.  Not for awhile, anyway."

But there were only a small number of gay-friendly venues Upstate, and the guys in the Gang of Twelve. all talked to each other.

For our second date, the Rapper and I drove into Cooperstown to the Fenimore Museum and dinner at Alex and Ika's -- where one of the Gang of 12 saw us and made some phone calls.

The next morning we were getting ready to go to breakfast, when the Truck Driver banged on the door.

"You don't waste any time, do you?" he yelled in his cute British accent.  "How long did you wait before cruising the New Kid?  Twenty minutes?"

"You had a date with him before I did!" the Rapper exclaimed.

"But nothing happened!  We just talked. But not you -- you sent him X-rated pictures before you even met!"

"How did you find out about that?"  He glared at me.  "Not much for keeping secrets, are you, New Kid?"

"I didn't say anything!"

No third date.  But other members of the Gang of Twelve were waiting for their turn.



Date #4: The Grabby Male Nurse.  In his 40s, formerly muscular but now a little paunchy.  On our date, we went shopping at some of the antique shops in town.

For all his interest in secrecy, the Rapper gossiped as much as everyone else in the Gang of Twelve. He gave the Nurse notes: "can't keep a secret"; plus moment-by-moment accounts of our two nights together.

So the Grabby Male Nurse was expecting a porn star.

He acted like one of those obnoxious guys in the clubs who keep leering and groping regardless of how much Attitude you display.  Of course, in public, he had to leer and grope subtly, when no one was looking.  Which made it all the more annoying.

Plus he turned everything I said into a sexual reference.

"I taught in Dayton for three years."
Wow, hot college boys!  How many of them did you offer a little...um....extra credit in your office?  Laner, leer.

"I grew up in Illinois."
Ooh, Chicago!  I bet you got a lot of action there!   Laner, leer.

"My grandmother studied art."
I see -- Grandma liked painting those nude male models, did she?" Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!

We had dinner at the Neptune Cafe, one of those East Coast diners with a 30-page menu, everything from moussaka to tacos. The owner was gay-friendly, so lots of the Gang of Twelve hung out there.  But it was still a straight place.

Yet the Nurse acted like he was in a cruise bar, trying to grope me, leering at the male patrons.  He knew the waiter -- an Asian guy named Chad -- and openly flirted with him, even asking him an inappropriate question about the size of the Asian penis. I gave him an extra big tip to make up for the embarrassment.

Then the Nurse suggested that we go back to his apartment.

I was done.  "Sorry...my favorite tv show is on."

"You can watch it at my place."  He grabbed my crotch. "Or we can watch porn.  Your choice."

I disentangled myself and ran home and hid.

The Nurse sent notes to the rest of the Gang of Twelve: Nice guy, but all he can think about is sex.

I saw Chad again during Date #5: The Satyr and his Boy Toy.

15 Simple Rules of Gay Dating

Dating is not cruising, and a date is not a hook-up.

Both activities are interesting and pleasurable, but cruising has one goal: to find a physically-attractive partner for immediate erotic intimacy.

Dating has several goals -- to engage in entertaining activities, to have interesting conversations, to be seen with someone attractive, and ultimately to find a long-term romantic partner.

But it's not as simple as sending a text to an attractive guy asking him to dinner next Friday night.  Gay dating has its own rules, procedures, and protocols that differ considerably from cruising.

And, for that matter, from heterosexual dating.

Here are 15 simple rules of gay dating.



(I am assuming that you are the one who suggested the date, and that it has the traditional five segments: Meeting, Entertainment, Dinner, Dancing, and Return.)

The Meeting
How and where do you meet for the events?

1. If you suggested the date, you must call for him at his home.  It is uncommon and in rather bad taste to meet at the Entertainment Venue, so only suggest it if there is an excellent reason, like you live right next door and he lives 50 miles away.

2. You must also pay for the activities, although it is polite for him to offer to pay his share. If the activities are very expensive, you can ask in advance if he would mind chipping in, but, again, that is in bad taste.

3. Sometimes gay men aren't clear on whether you expect friendship or romance, so a kiss before leaving his home will alleviate his concerns.




The Entertainment Venue
Traditionally a movie, but live theater or a sporting event work as well, anything which allows you to be together for a couple of hours without having to make conversation.

4. Heterosexual couples have no qualms about holding hands, hugging, or kissing in the midst of any entertainment venue, but gay couples must be careful.  If he rejects your physical gestures, it doesn't mean that he is not interested -- he may just be being cautious.

5. Even without physical contact, you will get stared at, as most heterosexual buddies who attend entertainment venues together try to sit with a seat between them, lest they accidentally brush knees.

The Dinner
Dinner occurs after the entertainment, to give you something to talk about.

6. If the restaurant is not in a gay neighborhood, you will be asked "How many in your party?" and "are you together or separate?" repeatedly.  The host and servers are unaware of the existence of gay people, and assume that you are two buddies hanging out together.

7. If the restaurant contains a bar, half-drunk ladies will also assume that you are two buddies hanging out together, and thus up for grabs.  They will send you drinks or ask to join you.  Reject them tactfully.

8. Dinner conversation should not include coming out stories, analyses of the faults of ex-boyfriends, or discussions of favored sexual positions.

Dancing
The fourth segment of the date is dancing or some other physical activity, such as ice skating, to work off the stupor of dinner and prepare you for an energetic good-night kiss.

9. Only dance in a gay club.  If you try it in an establishment that is for heterosexuals, you will get stared at and joked about, and you may be assaulted in the parking lot.  

10. When you are not on the dance floor, both you and your date will be hit on.  You can lessen the number of interlopers by physically touching him at all times, signaling "This one is off limits."  But that won't deter the most oblivious.






The Return
The date is not over until you escort him back to his home and say "Goodnight."

11. For heterosexuals, the invitation to come inside is optional, but for gay couples, it is mandatory, primarily because it is too risky to attempt a kiss on the doorstep.  If he does not invite you into his home, or if you do not accept, there will be no second date.

12. Once you are inside, a kiss followed by physical intimacy is expected, but not mandatory.  If you are not in the mood, just say "I want to take things slow," and you can postpone the bedroom to the second or third date, no questions asked.

13. If you decide not to "take things slow," you must spend the night.  If you get dressed and go home when the bedroom activities are over, the evening has become a hook-up, not a date.

14. And bring condoms, in case he doesn't have any of his own.

15. Serial dating is frowned upon in gay communities: if the first date was satisfactory, then you date only that person until the relationship ends or becomes a friendship.  Therefore, you should call or email him within 24 hours, either to plan your next date or to explain that you are no longer interested.

See also: 15 Rules of Gay Cruising.

Cliff Diving in Denver

Academics go to a lot of conferences, two or three per year, and they always seem to be held in Baltimore, Boston, Denver, Philadelphia, or Washington DC.  Rarely the South or the West (too far away), and never New York City (too costly).

I've visited all of those cities at least once, often three or four times, often enough to know some of the good museums, art galleries, bookstores, jogging paths, and gay bars.  But I'm only in town for a few days, so I never get the innate "feel" that a resident has.

I'm bound to get misled.  In Atlanta, I was directed to a "great restaurant" that turned out to have a semi-naked lady swinging on a trapeze overhead.  Rather a disgusting thing to watch while eating your cheeseburger.

Or to miss things.  After visiting Denver several times, I still hadn't heard of La Casa Bonita, a Mexican restaurant in the suburb of Lakewood that's been a local tradition for nearly 40 years.

It's geared toward the kid crowd, like Chuck E Cheese.  Thousands of residents and former residents have fond memories of coming to La Casa Bonita at age nine or ten for birthday parties, Christmas parties, and ordinary evenings.  There was even a South Park  episode about it.

The food is somewhat over priced, and by most accounts not very good, but the kids can play in a video arcade, a tropical jungle with a thirty-foot waterfall, and a maze of caverns to explore, and see nightly shows involving gorillas, gunfights, and pirates.

And cliff diving.

You don't have to go to Mexico to find muscular, half-naked men diving off high cliff and performing acrobatic stunts on the way down.  The team at Casa Bonita does it 18 times a day.

There are male and female cliff divers, but most of them are boys, high school or college age, like Caleb Thayer (above) or Tyler Harding (left), the perfect age for gay kids to look up to.   Literally.

They're interviewed on the website, in case their fans want to know more about them.