Link to the n*de dudes
I was recommended Elspeth or Elsbeth (2024-) on Paramount Plus. Carrie Preston stars as a quirky lawyer who helps the police solver murders. Why do we need so many quirky characters solving murders? Why review murder mysteries at all, when I don't even like them? Because we're running low on paranormal and comedy shows with gay characters.
Besides, Carrie Preston played Arlene Fowler, the frequently-married waitress at Merlotte's Diner on True Blood (2009-14), a series characterized by lots of gay characters and nonstop hunks (like Joe Manganiello, left). Maybe Elspeth will be similarly gay-friendly and beefcake-heavy.
I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "Sweet Justice," because it started automatically when I clicked for an episode synopsis, and there was a cute guy in the first shot.
Scene 1: A bearded man, Joe (Arian Moayed), is teaching his apprentice or son Dion (Daniel Dale, right) how to mix $80 martinis for his super-elite clientele.
I can't seem to research Daniel Dale. Everything gets mixed up with the Canadian journalist, even when I say "Daniel Dale" "actor" "-journalist" His IMDB profile says that he's a musician who has played the piano at many jazz festivals.
"Our lady" Ivy comes in, probably their wife/mother, gets her usual, and complains that she blew it at the job interview, because she got flustered by a Facebook friend suggestion: the worst person in the world, her old college roommate, Gemma, who made her life a living hell, bulling, belittling, posting embarrassing pictures online. So, just don't "friend" her.
Bartender Joe wants to know if she got Karma? No, Evil Gemma runs a company that sells extremely expensive baby clothes, she has a cute boyfriend, and she hangs out with the rich-and-famous. "In the old days," Joe muses, "When you did something wrong, there were consequences." They hold hands.
Scene 2: Joe helping the extremely drunk Ivy to her apartment. He assures her that "the universe has a way of righting itself. You'll see." Are they dating or not?
The Next Night. Joe calls to see if Ivy is ok. She says she's fine. Then he lets himself into an elegant apartment -- Bully Gemma's -- and strangles her! So a memory of bullying that took place years ago is sufficient for you to commit murder? Dude, that won't make Ivy interested in you.
Scene 3: Cut to the next day, with Elspeth and the police examining the crime scene. Detective Bobby (Danny Mastrogiorgio) doesn't think she belongs there, yada yada yada.
Suddenly Bully Gemma bursts in!
Then who is the corpse in the bed? Gemma and her boyfriend Brad (Charlie McElveen) did a house swap with Jane from podunk Indiana, because she wanted to get away from her husband. Wow, Gemma is a total b*tch.
Left: Charlie has 26 acting credits listed on the IMDB and an OnlyFans page.
Elspeth immediately figures out that the killer was targeting Bully Gemma, and in the dark didn't realize that she was another woman. The cops: "Impossible, that's an idiotic theory, you're incredibly stupid, someone obviously wanted to kill Jane."
Cut to Bartender Joe flirting with some of his lady customers with a cocktail he calls "Sweet Justice." Dude, you're being too obvious.
Scene 4: Elspeth talking to her Police Captain ally (Wendell Pierce) about whether or not he will be indicted in the ongoing plot arc.
Detective Bobby comes in with the report: Killer left no fingerprints, just a shoe print and the sticky residue of an industrial cleaner. Right now the chief suspect is Dead Lady's husband, Mason (Brett Bartholomew)
Meanwhile, Ivy bursts into the bar to tell Bartender the good news: Bully Gemma has been murdered! "I told you it would balance out," he gloats. She starts to smooch him-- oh, it was a fantasy. Back to real life, where Ivy calls to tell him that someone staying at Gemma's apartment was killed. Uh-oh, you won't get The Girl now, buddy.
More after the break
Scene 5: The Husband being interviewed about his dead wife: "The sweetest, most wonderful person in the world."
Left: Brett Bartholomew. Don't let the Christmas tease fool you: he's got a wife
So, why did she want to get away from you? "Oh, she just wanted a solo adventure. I'm not abusive."
He tried to drive into town to see her, but got lost and didn't arrive until after she was already dead. Plus his shoes don't match the killer's shoe prints. Wait -- if you're from Indiana, why didn't you fly in, and take the subway?
Well, did she have any enemies: "No, everyone loved her!"
"Aha!" Elspeth exclaims. "The killer was targeting Bully Gemma! I was right!" She points out the comment on Gemma's Facebook page last night: "You don't deserve to exist, someday you'll get what's coming to you."
Scene 6: Meanwhile, Bully Gemma's boyfriend checks out Dead Lady's Memorial Page: "I loved her, she was wonderful, the best person in the world..." Bully Gemma barfs with contempt.
The cops and Elspbeth ask her about the Facebook comments. "Oh, I get like twenty death threats a day. They're just jealous because I'm so incredibly."
"What about this one from Ivy?"
"My idiot rommmate from college? She wouldn't actually try to kill me -- she's a pathetic loser. It was the husband targeting Jane, you idiotic cops."
Scene 7: The cops look for Ivy, but Bartender Joe happens to be walking by, and tells them that she left town to visit family Saturday morning (did he make up an alibi? Or did he kill her to cover his tracks). He offers to try to call her.
Cut to the bar. Joe: "Sorry, she didn't answer." He gives them mocktails -- Elspeth notices that his ring is a bottle opener -- that will be important later? Then he gushes about how close he and Ivy are, how they're soul mates, bonded together...but you're not her boyfriend. What gives?
Elpeth notices that the floor is being mopped, and secretly gets a sample to test for the industrial cleaner found at the murder scene. She thinks Joe did it!
Scene 8: Something about the ongoing plotline of the Captain's indictment, some bribes, and such. He has a wife. Identified as heterosexual in the second scene. They smoochify.
Meanwhile, the cops got a bottle opener ring to compare to the mark on the dead woman's neck. A match. "
In other news, residue from the crime scene matches the cleaning product Elspeth lifted from the bar. Time to bring Joe in! Unless we're going to get a last minute plot twist where he didn't do it.
Scene 9: Ivy is back, and freaking out. A stranger is killed in Bully Gemma's bed, and now the police want to see her! Maybe don't threaten to kill people on their Facebook page?
Down in the bar, while the cops are waiting to interview Ivy, other customers explain how Joe is a genius. Also a saint.
Apprentice bartender Dion: one Christmas they were broke, and someone left presents and food on their stoop. Must have been Joe.
A female customer: "When my daughter had her heart broken in sixth grade, he gave her a kitten."
Nico (Christian Demarais) "When I was plastered, some guy tried to roll me, and Joe beat the hell out of him." How saintly!
During the interview, Ivy explains about the harassment. "I had to drop out of college. Things just spiraled after that. But I'm too shy to kill her. I was drunk when I wrote those comments."
"So, have you told anyone else about this bullying?"
"No." She's lying to cover for Bartender Joe.
Scene 10: Bully Gemma on her phone while boyfriend lends her his umbrella. Suddenly Ivy approaches to "demand an apology for what you did in college."
"Apologize to a pathetic loser for pointing out that she is a pathetic loser? Why." She counters: "Confess to trying to kill me, or I'll destroy you on social media."
Ivy refuses.
Whoops, they're almost hit by a car. Now Gemma is convinced that Ivy put a hit out on her, and tells all of her online followers to destroy her.
Scene 11: Ivy shows the "Destroy Ivy!" video to Bartender Joe, who promises that he will ttake care of the problem. He asks her out, and she says ok. Wait -- I thought she wasn't interested. So all this time she's interested, and he doesn't bother to ask her out? Or maybe she's using him, and she'll ask him to kill Gemma for real this time.
Meanwhile, the cops discuss the case. There isn't enough evidence to arrest Ivy, but what if Joe did it without telling her? They set up a sting: they arrest Apprentice Bartender Dion, and Ivy pretends to be in love with him. Joe is so riled that he confesses: "It was me! I did it so you would fall in love with me! We're soul mates!"
Scene 12: More about the ongoing plot.
Elspeth looking at a video of Gemma melting down, posted by her boyfriend after breaking up with her.
Beefcake: None. Let's have a look at another True Blood hunk, Ryan Kwanten (below)
Gay Characters: None. I thought Apprentice Bartender Dion might be gay, but the sting involves kissing Ivy.
Plot Twists: None, except for the wrong woman in the bed. This was not at all intriguing.
Amazing Deductions: None. Elsbeth makes deductions that anyone could have made. The only Columbo-like thing she does is to pretend that she has to use the bathroom so she can sneak to the recently-mopped floor and take a sample for analysis.
My Grade: Deadly dull and utterly predictable. At least High Potential had some clever plot twists. What would a murder mystery fan think? D
See also: True Blood: Vampires come out of the closet in a Southern Gothic soap opera
Andrew Hyde: Roman-era vampire boy with a dude-on-dude kiss and a lot of n*dity
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