"Mortel": Gay-Tease Teenagers Fight Voodoo Gods in Paris

When I searched online for Nemo Schiffman, this photo came up, with the byline "Melanie Thierry et Raphael, fin de partie."

I don't know who those people are, but obviously neither one is Nemo Schiffman, the 19 year old singer/actor who is starring in Mortel (Deadly), a French drama about two teenage boys fighting supernatural evil.

Here's a guy who goes to Gay Pride Parades, records songs without "girl! girl! girl!" lyrics, and is the bff of queer singer Bilal Hassani, "an icon to queer youth."  There must be a gay subtext!  Or maybe even a canonical gay couple!

It's worth a shot.

Episode 1:

Sofiane (Carl Malapa), a student at a run-down high school in a working-class arondissement of Paris, has been a wreck since his older brother Reba (Sami Outalbali) disappeared four months ago.  He even tries to commit suicide.  He starts getting visions of a supernatural being with dreadlocks and fiery glasses (Corentin Fila), who explains that he is Obé, the Voodoo god in charge of transporting murdered souls to the other world.  Reba is trapped in limbo, but Sofiane can release him by murdering someone else.

Release him to the other world, or bring him back to life?  And why is he trapped?  Can't Obé just transport him over?

Sofiane chooses Victor (Nemo Schiffman), the outcast weird kid who's been in and out of mental hospitals.  He lures him onto a roof, and, with Obé egging him on, tries to strangle him.  But Sofiane can't do it.  Maybe Obé would accept his brother's murderer instead?

The god agrees.

Episode 2:

Sofiane receives the power of physically moving people (handy for getting bad guys to punch themselves), and Victor receives the power of reading minds, and they get to sleuthing.  They seek out the help of classmate Luisa (Manon Bresch), whose grandmother is a Voodoo priestess (I didn't know there was a large Afro-Caribbean community in France).  She suggests that it might not be a good idea to trust a being who claims to be a Voodoo god.

Uh-oh.  The Girl.  Will one of the two boys demolish the gay subtext by falling in love?

Victor invites Sofiane home for dinner: middle-class household, conniving little sister, stepfather who makes Pad Thai.

"When we met, it was friendship at first sight," Sofiane explains.

The family is delighted, and implicitly assumes that they are a gay couple.

But I'm concerned about The Girl, so before I commit to watching the whole series, I'd better skip to the last episode to see if the two walk off into the sunset together.


Episode 6:

Bad things went down last night, and Victor is incoherent, drawing monsters in his underwear and screaming at his family.  Sofiane sends them all away and grabs and hugs Victor as he cries.

So far so gay.

They decide to storm the building where Luisa is interviewing the Bad Guy.  Sofiane has to use his powers to fight off several armed guards.  It's difficult and very painful.  Victor hugs him.

Great, but what about the very last scene:

Victor and Sofiane sitting on a bench.  It's all over, so now they can get on with their lives, walking side by side into the future, right?  Victor says that he still has issues to work on, so he's going back to the mental hospital.  Sofiane starts to cry.

Wait -- they're breaking up?  But it's not permanent -- he'll be out in a few months.  And besides, mental hospitals allow visitors. Why....

And now Victor has to say goodbye to Luisa.

Uh-oh, they're hugging.  Luisa tells him how much she cares for him.

In a Platonic, brotherly way, right? 

Right?

Wrong.  Their foreheads press together.  Victor says "I want to show you the life we can have together."

Boo!

That's two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

I should stick to tv series where the description specifically states "This character is gay. He likes men.  He doesn't fall in love with a woman."

Like Being 17, starring Corentin Fila (Obe) as a teenager who is gay and falls in love with his mother's houseguest, who is also gay.

"Klaus": A Silver Daddy, a Twink, and a Bagful of Toys

I'm not usually one for Christmas movies.  All tinsel and holly and heteronormativity. But Klaus (2019) promised a gay (or gay subtext) romance: 

Jesper (indie star Jason Schwartzman) is a 19th century entitled Generation Z twink.  Son of the Postmaster General of an unnamed European kingdom (probably Sweden), he deliberately screws up every job he's given, content to live it up on Daddy's money.  Finally Dad puts his foot down: Jesper must start a working postal service in the far-north town of Schmeerensburg, and personally stamp 6,000 letters, or he'll be cut off.

Upon arriving in Schmeerensburg, Jesper encounters Klaus, a gigantic hermit who makes toys.  He gets the bright idea of distributing the toys to any child who writes a letter requesting one, thus fulfilling his obligation and re-integrating Klaus into society.  Complication, complication, reform, and voila!  Santa Claus and boyfriend!  The stark, clear, homoerotic image of Silver Daddy and twink in a sleigh riding off into the future.

Yes, I do imagine what their bedroom activities might be like.  "So, Klaus, are you big...everywhere?"

But I've been fooled by gay teases before.  To be on the safe side, I watch the trailer.  No women appear except for the elderly crone Mrs. Krumm.

I read a few reviews.  No mention of hetero-romances, just the two guys.

So I start watching.  The animation is striking, like old watercolors;  the detail of a 19th century Swedish town amazing.

Dad mentions a few of Jesper's hedonistic pleasures: galas, music halls, no women.

So far, so good.

Mogens (Norm MacDonald) ferries Jesper to the island.  And hits on him.

So far, so good.

Schmeerensburg is a grey, rotting, decrepit old fishing village.  Crime, violence, and general creepiness are rampant. The children are Wednesday Addams-gloomy.  A bell rings, and everyone starts fighting.  Ring the bell again, and they freeze in place.

Jesper seeks refuge in a decrepit school turned into a fish shop, and meets...

The Girl.

No one mentioned a Girl!

Well, she does appear at the bottom left of the poster, but separated from Jensen. Maybe they're just friends.

I fast-forward to the closing scenes, to make sure.

Klaus and Jesper's  scheme of distributing toys in exchange for letters has turned the town around.  It's brightly colored now, and there's no crime (if you're naughty, you don't get a present).   Everyone is happy.

Jesper is married to Alva.   They have two children. They kiss.

You couldn't leave it alone, could you?  The pristine beauty of two men together wasn't good enough.  You had to separate them, throw in a heterosexual romance.

But what about Klaus? Surely he's gay?

12 years into the Christmastime toy distribution, Klaus hears a wind blowing, says "I'm coming, love," and vanishes (but continues to deliver the toys).

Razzle-frazzing hermit was mourning a lost wife all along!

Tis the season for gay teases.

Is Toon Gay?

Toon (pronounced "tone") is a Dutch dark comedy about a painfully shy jingle-writer (Joep Vermolen) who becomes an internet sensation when he picks up a guitar during his birthday party and sings "I Don't Want to Be Here."

Unfortunately, it is also the contemporary slang term for "cartoon," making internet searches impossible.

Episode #1:  Toon is insulted by his bosses, Robbie and Dylan (Robbert Bleij, Arend Branleight).  Later, he is walking down the street when a man says hello.  He does a double take.  Obviously gay!

At his birthday party, a woman flirts with him, and he looks bored and tries to get away.  Obviously gay!

But I'm not going to be fooled again.  I'm sampling several episodes to see if Toon really is canonically gay, or it's just a tease to draw in viewers.

Episode #6:  Toon and Nina (the girl who flirted with him,now his video partner) are roped into taking part in a charity fundraiser.  Toon's roommate moves out: "It's been fun,but..."  Toon is heartbroken.

Wait -- roommate or lover?

Episode #8: Season finale.  No references to boys or girls.

Well, on to Season #2:

Episode #2:  Toon plays in a video game championship.  His opponent, Jurriann (Alex Hendrickx, right), keeps saying things like "You're so famous, you must get lots of girls!" "Right...girls!"  Toon says sardonically.

Wait -- does that mean he's gay, or that he's straight and doesn't get a lot of girls?

Later, Jurriann invites Toon into a contest to see who will go home with  Becky, the newscaster who covered their game. He goes to tell Becky what they are up to, and she suggests that he pretend to pick her up.  He has no idea how to flirt with girls, so she explains how.

No idea how to flirt with girls? Gay!

Or...is he so "socially inept" that he likes girls but doesn't know how to talk to them.

Episode #6:  Toon and Becky are living together as roommates, although sometimes she flirts with him to give the gossip vlogs something to talk about.  He helps throw a bachelor party for Dylan, apparently now his manager, who says a lot about the importance of friendship, soul-mates, and then kisses him. Then he vanishes into the bathroom, and Toon leaves.

The third member of their party is Robbie, dressed like a pink fairy.  I don't know why.

Ok, is Dylan gay , or gay and closeted, or...and is Toon....

Episode #8:

 The series finale.  Toon, this is your last chance!

He and a girl arrive at a hotel room. Toon hugs their chaffeur. What's up with that?

Apparently the meeting is just for show: they are sitting on different beds, talking about how loud the music is in the next room.

And then...and then...Toon talks about how much he loves her.  Then they kiss.

It took 16 episodes, but Toon has finally been outed as straight.

Are there really men like that, who are heterosexual but shy about talking to girls?

They should have heterosexual cruise bars. You don't need to say anything -- just make eye contact or give attitude.

The Gay Tease of "Bixler High Private Eye"

Bixler High Private Eye (2019), no comma, appears on my Vudu and Amazon Prime recommedations.  Doesn't this guy look gay?

I've got a free hour, and maybe he's gay, so why not?

It's one of those pieces advertised as a tv program, but there's only one episode, an hour and six minutes  long.

First scene:  Bixler High is not his name.  He's Xander DeWitt, played by Jace Norma, unrecognizable from his role as the uber-swishy gay-coded superhero sidekick on Nickelodeon's Henry Danger (2014-).

So far, so good.






Here Xander tries to grift a very attractive car salesman (Eddie Aguirre) out of information that may lead to his missing father's whereabouts.  He almost gets away, but in the end the police escort him home.

I'm not liking Xander.  He's got one of those smarmy, smug, borderline-sociopathic personalities that make you want to take him down a few notches.

However: his well-stocked room contains no photos of girls.   A good sign!

Xander discovers that Dad (Rick Peters) was visiting his hometown, Bixler Valley, on the morning of his disappearance.

Coincidentally, Mom is concerned about his slipping grades and frequent truancy, and suggests a change: how about going to live with Grandpa in Bixler Valley?

So Xander heads out.

Bixler Valley is a ridiculously depressed old mining town in the mountains, and Grandpa (Ed Begley Jr.) a ridiculously curmudgeonly geezer ("How can I tell kids to get off my lawn when one is living here?).  He also happens to be a retired private eye.

Here's an idea: Have Grandpa investigate his son's disappearance.

Xander tries to hug Grandpa, but the geezer pushes him away.  Men don't hug!  How about a handshake?

Xander is obviously gay.

All he has to do is enroll at Bixler High and find a boyfriend.

Or a male friend.

Or a group of friends, some male....

Or...

Uh-oh


He teams up with school reporter Kenzie (Ariel Martin).

Time to fast-forward, looking for beefcake and incidental buddy bonding.

No dice.

Lots of hunky actors, like Eddie M. Myrick (standing behind his boyfriend) as a cop. But no one even fumbles with a button.

And there appear to be no boys at Bixler High, just female cheerleaders with pom poms.  Xander never even talks to a boy his own age.

Final scene:

Grandpa: When are you two going to kiss?
Xander:  Grandpa!  We're partners (apparently they have opened a private eye business). Partners don't kiss.

My final hope: Xander means it.  He's not into girls.  Kenzie is a friend and business partner.  They won't....

They lean in for the kiss.  Fade out.

Ugh! Another gay tease!

Pretending to be Gay in "Head Count"

Head Count (2018) just showed up on my Netflix recommendations, and I had an hour to kill, so:

College student Evan (Isaac Jay) rejects an invitation to go away for the weekend with his friends.  "I sure wish you were going with us," his boyfriend (Jay Lee) says.   But he has something important to do:

A reconciliation visit with his estranged older brother Peyton (Cooper Rowe), who lives in a trailer in the desert.  Eager to put the past behind them, Peyton has a full weekend of reconciliation activities planned, including a hike in Joshua Tree National Park.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Peyton asks, dropping the pronouns in a way that only gay people do.  "You should get out and try to meet someone.  I'm not seeing anyone.  I'm keeping my options open.

"It's not subtext -- Evan is gay!" I exclaimed.  "A gay star of a horror movie!  The final frontier."

On the hike, they run into a group of gay college students smoking weed:  Camille and Zoe snuggling on one side, another lesbian couple, three gay guys snuggling on the other (I'm pretty sure two of them are holding hands). Evan wants to join them, but Peyton is against it -- he hates drugs, and besides -- brother bonding weekend?

Ok, if Evan wants company: "I'll introduce you to my rock-climing buds.  You'll love them."

Luring him away with the promise of hot guys doesn't work, so Peyton allows Evan to go off with the gay college students to the house they rented.

Where they drink, use drugs, and change positions into four hetero couples around a campfire (Apparently Zoe came without a boyfriend just so she could hook up with Evan).

WTF?  I heard that in the old days, gay people often pretended to be straight in public, going out in boy-girl couples, but this is the first time I've heard of straight couples pretending to be gay in public.

I was so upset that I couldn't continue watching.  Apparently the hetero-couples are menaced by a shape-shifting monster, and you see some of Evan's scrawny body.

Why go through all the trouble of pretending that heterosexual Evan is gay? To place the heterosexual college students deliberately in positions suggesting that they are gay couples?

 I researched Isaac Jay; three thousand instagram photos of him kissing, hugging, and gazing longingly at a woman.

And Elle Callahan, my new most-hated director.  This is her directorial debut, except for some film school shorts, but she was an assistant director on 101 Ways to Get Rejected, about heterosexual high school students negotiating mating rituals.

The Gay Tease of "Sinfonia"

I don't know what Sintonia is about -- the title means "Tune" in Portuguese -- but Netflix keeps recommending it to me with a picture of a stunningly beautiful teen idol type with frosted hair and a lot of feminine jewelry -- obviously gay.  So I go through it on fast forward to see if the character is actually gay.

Episode #1:  Two friends from a poor neighborhood of São Paulo have Big Dreams: Nando wants to become a singer, and Doni, to become a drug dealer.  That's right, both are presented as honorable professions.  They sit across a table and give each other longing looks.

A gay couple?  So far, so good.

Their other friend is Rita.

Episode 2:  Nando gets upset when someone steals his music, and Doni gets in trouble with the police.  Who would have guessed?  Meanwhile Rita finds religion.

Episode 3: Nando becomes a success, and it goes to his head, and Doni defends a fellow drug dealer.  Rita is still religious, saying things like "God has a plan for you."

No sex scenes yet, no hetero-romance of any sort -- a good sign.

And we get the first scene of Nando in a swimsuit, in a pool with his boyfriend (I assume) and no one else.  Unfortunately, Netflix will not permit me to take a screen shot.

Episode 4: Nando overcommits to singing gigs, and Doni fears for his life after a drug deal goes badly.  We see him with his shirt off, briefly.

Still no sex scenes or hetero-romance. But Nando and Doni have only a few scenes together, like two friends catching up on the latest gossip: "And then he said....so I told him...."

Episode 5: Doni  has sex with a girl backstage.

 Wait -- he's straight?   And they wait until the 5th of 6th episodes to let viewers know?   What a tease!

But at least he doesn't perform the sex scene convincingly.  It looks like they're trying to eat each other.  Not much experience in kissing girls, Doni?

Meanwhile  Nando is in trouble, and Rita is still religious.

Episode 6: Who cares what Doni the Gay Tease does?

Nando is rewarded by his drug cartel, and Rita is still religious.

Sinfonia turns out to be a dud.

Doni, the stunningly beautiful Gay Tease, is played by MC JottaPê  (João Pedro Carvalho), a 19-year old telenovela star turned singer, known for "Sentou e gostou" ("I sat down and liked it").

His music videos mostly show him dancing with lots of scantily-clad girls, drinking champaign, and showing us money.

His Instagram contains a lot of photos of girls, plus a couple of shirtless pics.

Here he sticks out his tongue for the camera (I forget what it means, but it's common in selfies).  The caption reads "I am from Tommy, my girl of Oakley."

I'm guessing he's heterosexual.

Nando is played by 19-year old actor Christian Malheiros, who has done a lot of stage work and starred in Socrates (2018), about a gay teen left alone after his mother's death.  He can't stay with his homophobic father, so he tries living on his own, and ends up in a romance with his boss.

His instagram doesn't have any photos of girls, but here's one of his biceps and bulge.

I'm guessing gay.

The Gay Tease of "Always Be My Maybe"

Netflix recommended this movie for me with a 98% match: Sasha and Marcus had a brief romance in high school.  15 years later, Sasha has become a celebrity chef, while Marcus is still living in his parents' basement.  They feel the spark of attraction again, but can they adapt to each other's worlds?

I sat stunned.  Blurbs about movies with gay people don't include the terms "romance" or "spark of attraction."  They say "forbidden love" and "attraction that threatens to destroy their lives."

And the title would never be Always Maybe.  It would be something like Alex Strangelove.    But the illustration -- it's hard to see from across the room -- seems to show two men.  And Sasha and Marcus are both boys' names.

Remember Sasha Mitchell, sitcom star turned martial artist (top photo)?

And Marcus Schenkenberg, the Swedish model who was popping up all over the tv screen in the 1990s?

Could a gay romance be presented so nonchalantly, as "a romance"?  Could gay people be just....people?  How come we overcame, and nobody told me?

Just to be sure, I checked the byline: Ali Wong, Randall Park, James Saito.  Two of those people are Sasha and Marcus, and all three are men.

So I turned it on.

More after the break.