Oct 26, 2017

The Babysitter: Hetero-Annoying Hetero-Romantic Hetero-Horror Comedy

When will I learn to ignore Netflix's recommendations?

I was drawn in to The Babysitter (2017) by a promo of the spectacular Robbie Amell bare-chested.

But it's all hetero-annoying from there.

12-year old hetero-pubescent Cole (Judah Lewis), who for some reason gets a lot of shirtless scenes, too, lives in an obnoxiously heterosexist world where all boys are hetero-belligerant mean-spirited monsters and all girls are hetero-kind, gentle, and supportive.  His only friend is the hetero-Girl Next Door who he will kiss in a lush hetero-romantic Meaning of Life moment later on.

But first he is the victim of old-school bullying by a gang led by the feminine but "I grabbed her pussy" hetero-obnoxious Jeremy (Miles G. Harvey).  His hot hetero-teenage babysitter, Bee (Samara Weaving), rushes to the rescue.

Later that night he wakes up to find that Bee has invited her hetero-friends (including the shirtless Robbie and Andrew Bachelor) over for a party.  At first it's all innocent "spin the bottle" games, with a hetero-titilating girl-on-girl kiss.  But then they turn on the hetero-nerdish guy and stab him to death.

They discover Cole spying, tie him up, and try some lame explanations before coming clean: they're a hetero-Satanic cult that needs the blood of a hetero-innocent for their rituals.

The police arrive, things go wrong, half the hetero-cult is killed and the other half chase hetero-Cole around, trying to kill him (including the shirtless Robbie, who encourages Cole to stand up to his bully as his last act on Earth).

But hetero-Bee rescues hetero-Cole again: she doesn't want him to die, she sort of likes him.

Oh, brother.  Not that old "sex with the babysitter" chestnut!

But instead of sleeping with her, hetero-Cole rushes over to kiss The Girl Next Door and thwart the forces of evil with her help and embrace his hetero-destiny.

In the last scene, Mom and Dad arrive at the scene of the multiple murders.  Hetero-Cole explains that he is too old for a hetero-babysitter.

Holy hetero-annoying, Batman!

Ken Marino, by the way, plays the hot Dad.  Not shirtless.

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