"Kiss Me, Kate" Updated and Gay-ified

I'm not much for musical theater, but I have a fondness for Kiss Me, Kate (1953), about the on- and -off stage antics of contemporary players performing a musical version of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.  The lyrics just need a bit of tweaking.

For instance, early in The Shrew,  Petruchio sings that he's come to Padua to marry a wealthy woman.  He doesn't care about her looks or personality; she could even be assertive and powerful.

I shall not be disturbed a bit, if she be but a quarter-wit.

If she only can talk of clothes, while she powders her gosh-darned nose. 

 Still the damsel I'll make my dame: in the dark they are all the same.

The gay version:

 I've come to boyfriend wealthily in Padua.

If wealthily, then happily in Padua.

I heard you mutter "Zounds, but what  a cad you are."

I shall take him without a flinch, if his cock be a quarter inch.

If he only can talk of cars, if he spends every night in the bars

If he never goes to the gym, if his pronouns are they/them, not him.

Still the boyfriend I'll take to my bed -- at least they will give me head

I heard you say "Gadzooks, completely mad you are."

I won't be concerned at all, if he's short, ugly, old, or tall

If his politics are red, not blue, if his chums are homophobes and rude

I know that didn't rhyme, I'm running out of time

If he's wealthy, I'll make him mine: they all look the same from behind.

Off-stage, Lois Lane (no relation to Superman) proclaims to her boyfriend that she prefers an open relationship:

I would never curl my lip at a dazzling diamond clip 

Though the clip meant "Let 'er rip," I'd not say "nay."

How about: I would never shake my head at a guy who's good in bed 

Though the bed meant "Give me head," I'd say "Ok."

She continues:

There's an oil man known as Tex who is keen to write me checks.

 Tex's checks, I fear, mean that sex is here to stay.

Gay version: There's a hung man known as Block, who is keen to show me his cock

Block's cock, I say, means that we are gay to stay...

And two gangsters sing that knowing some Shakespearean quotes will enhance your ability to seduce or sexually assault women:

If your blonde won't respond when you flatter  her, tell her what Tony told Cleopaterer.

Gay version: If the guy in your bed tries to block your cock, tell him what Gratiano told Shylock. 

They continue:

 If she fights when her clothes you are mussing, "What are clothes? "Much Ado About Nothing."

Gay version: If he bites when your cock he is.... sorry, I got nothing.

And the chorus boys complain that it's too hot to get laid tonight:

I'd like to meet with my baby tonight, get off my feet with my baby tonight

But no repeat for my baby tonight cause it's too darn hot.  

I'd like to stop by my baby tonight, and blow my top with my baby tonight

 But I'd be a flop for my baby tonight, cause it's too darn hot.

That one is gay enough as it stands.