Gemstones Episode 4.3, Continued: Vance is homophobic, Jesse is sad, and Kelvin is doomed. With Ryan, Vance, and Hamlet d*cks

 

 Link to the n*de dudes

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe does stuff with the Devil.  So does Eli.  With a pole dancer's d*ick and the Groundskeeper's bottom

In the first part of the episode, Kelvin has night terrors and a feeling of impending doom as his last safe place is destroyed, the siblings worry that Eli is schtupping Aimee-Leigh's best friend, and BJ (Tim Baltz, right)  falls on his head during a pole dancing contest.

Stuntman Ryan Mooney on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

 Is BJ Dead?: The family gathers at the hospital.  Everyone wonders why Eli and Lori arrived at the same time, suspecting that the two are having s*x.  Maybe focus on the crisis?

A doctor appears and tells Judy "I'm very sorry."  BJ isn't dead, but he's paralyzed, and will have to use a wheelchair.  Judy cries.  "What are we going to do?"

The Quail Hunt: Eli, Jesse, and some members of the Cape and Pistol Society in ridiculous floppy-hat uniforms shooting quail.  I don't see the significance of this scene, except to contrast with the Civil War scenes in the trailer.  

How Many Gay Gemstones? Cut to the Cape and Pistol headquarters, where a minister congratulates Jesse on his brother being nominated for Top Christ Following Man of the Year.   Rival megachurch pastor Vance Simkins (Stephen Dorff), one of the Season 3 antagonists, has also been nominated, and complains: "I guess your homosexual brother is the one with the juice nowadays." 

This doesn't upset Jesse, so Vance tries again.  "I heard your brother-in-law fell out of the sky...Word on the street is that he was stripping..how many homosexuals does that make in your family now?"

"Two," Jesse answers.  "The same number of dead parents in your family."

Wait -- he can't be agreeing that BJ is gay, so who is the second "homosexual"?  Keefe?  But he and Kelvin aren't married.  

Gideon?  Remember, Aimee-Leigh admitted Scotty to the family after his death, and Gideon hasn't expressed any interest in anyone since.  Maybe he's still in mourning.

Vance tries again: "You're losing in our rivalry due to your poor character."  You're not exactly a saint yourself, Vance Baby.   His churches have turned into bathrooms, "with that filth your brother's been preaching. It's what your church is becoming known for.  Does that bother you?"

Of course Kelvin's success bothers Jesse, but not for that reason, so he counters that he is succesful too.  And the ministers start to circle.

More after the break

Josh Jones #31: "Modern Family" clerk, Pentecostal prophet, Actor for Christ, Dracula. With Jones junk and Broderick backside

We're watching Modern Family in order as a comfort show in trying times.  In Episode 4.12, "Mistery Date," (November 15, 2012), Phil rewires the house while everyone else is gone, and announces that he has been transported to the distant year 2025 (this year!).  

"Go back to 2012!" we both yell at the screen. 

Wasn't 2012 great?  The Middle (Axl in underwear -- sigh), Suburgatory, Raising Hope (Jimmy with his shirt off -- sigh).

Magic Mike, Pitch Perfect (Adam Devine, sigh), Paranorman (first gay character in a kids' movie).

I was teaching at a small private college with exquisite architecture and a view of the Susquehannah River, winning 5-k races, benching 185, going to gay parties, and publishing regularly. 

Barack Obama was elected to a second term.

Sigh.  Back to Modern Family:  Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) goes with his gruff, macho father Jay to buy a giant crib for the upcoming baby.  When the clerk (Josh Jones) asks if he wants to have it assembled, he says no, Dad is macho, and has to do everything himself.  

What about help getting it to the car?  No, Dad is too macho for that, also.  But the Clerk glances over and sees Jay asking for a hug from the store mascot, the Hug-a-Bunny.  Okaaay

That's all, three lines.  But Josh is cute (or was, in 2012), and shorter than Jesse Tyler Ferguson at 5'10", so a member of the Short Guy Brigade. 

In the other plotline, Phil works out at his brother-in-law Cam's gym and accidentally makes a hookup date with Dave (Matthew Broderick), who just had a bad breakup.  They go home and take their shirts off (for non-hookup reasons), but Dave decides that he isn't ready, kisses the still-oblivious Phil, and leaves.  Dude, you went to a gay gym.  What did you expect?

But everybody knows everything about Matthew Broderick already, and Josh Jones will present a research challenge: there are thousands of people named Josh Jones, including many actors, writers, and comedians (our Josh is #31 on the IMDB).

The IMDB: No biographical information, and only four acting roles:

The "Mistery Date" episode of Modern Family (2012).

The Ladder (2013), a short: a teenage boy "teeming with hormones" carries a ladder across town to reach The Girl's window..  Heteronormative! Yuck!  Josh plays a soccer player.

Film Permit Police (2015): I guess it's a tv series about policing people who film without a permit.  Corey Martin Craig plays a Hipster Filmmaker.  Josh plays a permit violator.

We Live Baby (2020): "Summer is faking nice on Live."  I have no idea -- are those people or is a season faking on life?   Josh plays a Stranger.

Additional research led to a few dead ends (no, our Josh is not a British comedian, a rapper, the offensive tackle for the Seattle Seahawks, a professional fisherman, or a star of Dancing on the Ice).  But I finally found of some of our Josh's social media.

Facebook: Nine photos, all headshots, and no biographical information.  Posts are about his auditions; he didn't make The Book of Mormon, but he made it into Dracula. 

And a quote from Nehemiah 9.8.  Uh-oh, fundamentalist.  But why Nehemiah?  I don't think I ever heard the minor prophet used as sermon fodder in 20 years as a Nazarene.   

Backstage:

He attended Biola University (2005-2010), a fundamentalist college about 10 miles from Anaheim, California, and got his degree in music.  While in college, he sang Second Tenor in Carmina Burana and Bach's Magnificat (figures).

In addition to his tv and films, Josh has some theater credits: Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Dracula, Willy Wonka, The Music Man, Inside the Box, Bridge of Blood, Carmen, and The Magic Flute.

Bridge of Blood is not what you think: it's about Jim Elliott being massacred...um, martyred..when he was trying to bring God's Word to the Auca Indians of Peru in 1973.

More after the break