Gemstones Episode 4.4, Continued: Keefe in drag, Pontius with four d*cks, Jasper with one, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

  

Link to the d*cks

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared.  Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play

In the first part of Episode 4.4, the family gathers at the lake house Galilee Gulch, where Jesse and Kelvin hatch schemes to break up their father  and his new girlfriend.  We see some d*cks and beefcake, some cute Kelvin-Keefe scenes, and hints that both Gideon and Abraham are gay. It's Pontius' turn next.

I forgot to post this photo of Tony in the swimming pool scene. 

And this one of BJ and the nephews hanging out, with the cute attendant in the background (still can't find him on the IMDB).  Abraham is shirtless, but not old enough to be a hunk.  Maybe a hunkoid.

BJ is angry because he spilled his drink.    

Judy's Breakup Plan:  Jesse and Kelvin have failed in their attempts to break up Eli and Lori, so Judy decides to use her "super power": the ability to incite the er*otic interest of anyone, anytime.  She goes to Lori's room and tries to get with her.  Lori just stands there.

I didn't want to illustrate the scene with pics of Lori and Judy, so I put a n*de photo of a daddy by the pool on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Next she offers Lori $500,000 to get gone. "If I was in it for the money, why wouldn't I stick around for a lot more?"  

Ok, so Judy orders her to break up with Eli, or she'll claim that Lori tried to r*ape her.  Lori glares at her. "Are we done?" 

Takeaway: Judy wouldn't know that her technique works on women unless she's tried it out.  Add her to the ever-growing list of bi/pan Gemstones. 

Keefe in Drag: Saturday night.  In bed, Kelvin is distraught over the continuance of the Eli/Lori romance.  Keefe asks if he can do anything to help: "Not unless you can bring my dead Mama back to life." The episode title is about Jesus rising from the dead, and the siblings worship their Mama, so...

Keefe decides on the next best thing:  dress-up.  He puts on one of Aimee-Leigh's dresses, her wig, her glasses, and some makeup (wait -- where did he get makeup?),  goes to Eli's room, and tries to haunt him: "I'm the ghost of your dead wife. Break up with Lori."  

Eli doesn't respond, so Keefe crawls on top of him and starts singing Aimee-Leigh's signature song, "Misbehavin'"

 

Suddenly Eli and Lori awaken; everyone screams.  Keefe rushes out and falls down the staircase into the parlor whereupon the Nanny, thinking that he is an intruder, pulverizes him.  

"Who are you?" she shouts.

"I'm just a ghost -- a friendly ghost."

First he consorted with Hot Stuff, the Little Devil, and now he's Casper the Friendly Ghost.

More after the break

Brick: A high-tech wall traps two hetero couples, a sleazoid, and a gay villain. Plus Mathias d*ck and everybody's backside

 

I  like movies about people trapped in things, like Vivarium and The Cube -- a metaphor for the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, kids that is so often promoted as the Meaning of Life  -- I clicked on the Netflix movie Brick (2025), about "a couple whose apartment building is suddenly surrounded by an impenetrable brick wall."  Plus it stars Matthias Schweighöfer (right), who has been in some gay stuff, so I figured there would be gay characters. 

Scene 1: Munich. Tim (Matthias) in a Zoom room conference where they're complaining about a client. They ask for his input, but he exclaims that it's all bullshit.  Like most meetings I've been in. 

He flashes back to The Girl of His Dreams asking what he loves about her.  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 1.30.   He likes her eyes shining in an infinite sky.  They smooch. 

A montage of being in love stuff and kissing, kissing, kissing.  It goes on for f*king ever. I'm fast forwarding to after her death, when Tim is alone and horribly depressed in his apartment.

Scene 2: Begins at Minute 7.2, after the five minutes of kissing.  Tim awakens alone and horribly depressed in his apartment.  Wait -- The Girl of His Dreams is not dead, just leaving him.  Except when she tries to go out the door, it's bricked up! Metallic bricks of various shapes.

"Girl of His Dreams" is clunky.  In the middle of kissing, we learned that she is an architect, so I'll call her that.

The windows are bricked up, too. Banging, pounding, and drilling doesn't work. They're stuck!

The Architect checks the building layout: maybe she could drill through another wall?  Nope, the Bricks are all around the apartment.  

There's no cell phone reception, so they can't call anyone (his cell phone background is them kissing!).    

There's no running water, and almost no food in the fridge. I hope air can get through.

Scene 3: They break through to the apartment next door, where a Spanish Tourist (Frederick Lau) and his Girlfriend note that they got high last night, did stuff a few dozen times, and woke up to The Bricks.  Their theory: Aliens.

Spanish Tourist becomes hysterical, so his Girlfriend takes him into the bedroom to do stuff and get high: maybe that will calm him down. 

Next, the Architect discovers that the Bricks are highly magnetic -- silverware, keys, and things stick.  But then they shoot away, injuring Tim.

Scene 4: Tim and the Architect burst into the next apartment, and reunite with the Spanish tourists. The dude is still hysterical, so they tie him up.

The Architect has studied the history of the building, and knows that there are air raid shelters in the basement that connect to the subway.  They just need to go through three floors to get there. 

Scene 5: They break through the floor to the apartment below, where an elderly guy on oxygen brandishes a gun. "You're not getting any of my supplies." 

 20-ish Granddaughter persuades him to let them look for the tunnel to the subway.  How long have they been trapped?  I thought it was just a few hours, but he acts like it's been days.

Scene 6: They burst through to the apartment next to Elderly Guy, full of scary taxidermy and machetes.  It is occupied by the owner of the building (Alexander Beyer). Dead-- his hands were cut off, and he bled out. Probably he had them in the wrong place when the Bricks appeared. 

Into the apartment below.  But this time, one jolt, and the floor collapses, injuring the guys. 

Scene 7: They are greeted by Yuri (Murathan Muslu), who is happy to see them.  He notes that he was visiting his "good friend" Anton for a few days, but Anton stepped out just before the Bricks appeared.  I'll take "good friend" as evidence of gay identity at minute 41. 

His theory: Contamination.  There's a war going on outside, and the Bricks were installed to keep everyone safe.  They can't leave, or they will die of radiation poisoning.    

And, by the way, he was fudging a bit: Anton is lying dead in the bedroom. He collapsed in front of the wall -- it shorted out his pacemaker.  I thought Yuri was going to turn violent, but he just lets them move on.  

Granddaughter stays behind to offer her condolences over the death of his "friend."  She appears to have identified them as a gay couple.

Scene 8: Next floor: the basement. They burst through a metal hatch that leads to the subway tunnel.  But it's Bricked up, too!

Everyone is shocked.  The Spanish Tourist is so upset that he shoots at the Bricks; the bullets bounce back and hit the Elderly Guy, who dies.

More after the break.

Dane invites Tony Cavalero to take the plunge. But then his Dad moves in. With some Danish d*cks

Link to the Danish d*cks

You probably know that Dane, son of professional skier Scott Gaffney, is  attempting a Lake Tahoe Plunge Challenge: jumping into the lake every day for 365 days.

Quite an ordeal in the winter, when the water temperature reaches 40 degrees.

Dane often invites friends and fellow swimming enthusiasts to take the plunge with him.  On Day 278, Tony Cavalero.

He brought his own IG GIF (Righteous Gemstones characters Kelvin, Keefe, Judy, and Daedalus commenting on the action.)

Who has the best physique?

More after the break

Matthew Underwood: The "Zoey 101" It-Boy Logan plays himself again and again...and again, posts d*ck pics. With bonus Noah Beck

  

Link to the n*de dudes

The internet was all agog over d*ck pics of Matthew Underwood, aka Logan on Zoey 101.  I wasn't impressed.  First, the guy doens't even show his face.  Second, he rubs me the wrong way.  I can't quite remember how.

Oh, yeah.  It's that annoying smugness.  It's one thing to be heterosexual -- lots of guys are.  It's another to brag about it.  "I'm so entirely heterosexual, I'm the most heterosexual of all heterosexuals, I can heterosexualize anywhere, anytime.  Every girl wants to be with me, and every guy wants to be me."  

It's not just the character he plays: this post came directly from Matt's Instagram in 2025.

Born in "The Sunshsine State of Florida" in 1990, Matt began acting at the age of eight, and appeared on screen in some guest spots before hitting paydirt in Zoey 101 (2005-08).

Zoey (Jamie Lynn Spears) and her brother Dustin (Paul Butcher) are students at the prestigious Pacific Coast Academy, filmed on location in Malibu instead of on a sound stage.  Her coterie includes:

1. Logan (Matthew Underwood),  the fabulously wealthy son of a famous actor, an it-boy who is basking in the absurdly exaggerated longing of every girl who sees him.  Eventually he settles down with the nerd Quinn (see, looks aren't everything).

2. Chase (Sean Flynn, left), in love with Zoey but trapped in the "friend zone."  Eventually, she realizes that she is in love with him, but then she leaves him again.

2. Michael (Christopher Massey, right), mostly in charge of advising Chase to admit his feelings, although he eventually gets a girlfriend of his own.

Matt reveals that just after Zoey, when he was 19, he was harassed and then assaulted by his agent. The trauma prompted him to move away from Los Angeles and retire from acting.

He returned in 2017 to direct and star in two tv pilots with Sean Flynn, playing themselves: The Magic Studio, about kids who find magic rings, and The Golden Stars, about missing award statues. 

And some shorts: Time Hoppers (2018), Matt and Sebastian Cabanas  in silly costumes.

The Alien (2019): Matt, playing himself, and some girls meet a classic grey.

The Unicorn Sisters (2019): Matt helps some grieving girls write poetry. 

Kind of full of yourself, aren't you, Matt?

He appears with some girls in Remi (2021) and with the entire Zoey gang in the Jamie Spears music video Follow Me (2020).

Noah Beck plays an alternative Logan. 

Matt returned to the Zoey universe in Zoey 102 (2023): A struggling 32 year old film producer, Zoey is asked to be maid of honor at Quinn and Logan's wedding.  It took them 14 years to get married?  She also resolves her feelings for Chase.  After 14 years, he's moved on, girlfriend.

Matt's social media is mostly generic, landscapes, weird jokes, boating, pictures taken with the Zoey gang. He is currently single, his last heterosexual relationship (that he told fans about) in 2015. 

Three pics of Matt's d*ck and one of Noah's are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Not bad, but I'd rather see Noah Beck's abs.

See also: Shane Harper: the "Good Luck Charlie" and "God's Not Dead" guy shows his d*ck surprisingly often

Nathan Kress, Freddie from ICarly, grown up. Is he still homophobic? Is he still shy about showing his stuff?

"Malibu Rescue": Ricardo Hurtado hits the beach for a retro 1980s nerd-jock battle, with bonus lifeguard photos

Billy Howle: A serious actor, crazy cute, who shows his stuff a lot. Do you need anything else? With bonus Tommy Knight

Link to the n*de dudes

I've reviewed two tv series starring British actor Billy Howle (not Howlie), and two things about him stand out:

1. He is crazy cute.  What we used to call dreamy, the sort of guy who elicits fantasies of holding hands in the moonlight rather than going downtown.

 

2. Speaking of going downtown, he is not shy about showing his stuff on screen.

I always ask two questions in these profiles.

1. Is he gay in real life?

Billy has no social media presence, but various interviews note that he is in a long-term relationship with a lady.  He could be bi or gay-and-closeted, but for now we'll call him straight. 

2. Has he played any gay characters?

This one will take some research.  We'll start with his bio.  

Billy was born in Stoke-on-Trent in the Midlands, about an hour from Birmingham, son of a college professor and a "schoolteacher."  He graduated from the Bristol Old Vic Theater School in 2013.  His theatrical credits include:

The Ibsen play Ghosts (2015), which is about religion, free love, and incest, not about ghosts.  We had to read Ibsen in college.  Ugh.

Eugene O'Neill's A Long Day's Journey into Night (2016).  We had to read O'Neill, too.  Double ugh.

Hamlet (2022).  Maybe a gay subtext between the Prince and Mercutio.

Dear Octopus (2024), which is about a large, suffocating family, not an octopus.  At least it's not Ionesco.

John Osborne's Look Back in Anger (2024) about marital problems.

No significant gay content, I'm afraid, and pretentiousness as the summum bonum.  

Next, Billy's on-screen roles.  He has 21 acting credits on the IMDB.  A  mostly pretentious lot, with only one science fiction movie and not a whiff of comedy.  I'll check the projects that I've reviewed already, those listed as "known for," and those with n*de scenes.

Already Reviewed:

The Perfect Couple (2024).  When the Maid of Honor is murdered on the night before the wedding, everyone is a suspect, including the Bride and Groom.  Billy plays the Groom's brother, who has a girlfriend. 

Under the Banner of Heaven (2022). Lapsed Mormon Allen (Billy) is accused of murdering his wife, but he says that his fundamentalist family did it to punish her for wanting a career and being uppity. 

More after the break

Here at the New Yorker: homophobia, elitism, long-ago homework assignments, and a scary 18th century dandy

I've spent most of my life on college campuses, as student, grad student, and professor, but still, I often feel out of place.

When I'm not out, there's constant heterosexism:
"Will your wife be coming with you?"
"There will be a lot of single women at the party."
"There's not a man alive who wouldn't want to be with her!"

When I'm out, it changes to homophobia:
"How do you know you're gay if you've never tried it with a woman?"
"Why do gay men act so feminine all the time?"
"Are you the boy or the girl in your relationship?"

And the elitism is constant:
"How could you stand growing up in Illinois?  Nothing to do but ride tractors and milk cows!"
"Why did you go to Augustana?  Why didn't you go to Harvard, like everyone else?"
My favorite: "Television?  Ugh!  Mindless drivel.  I haven't watched a television program in 30 years."

Elitism and homophobia come together in The New Yorker, a weekly magazine for people who think that Manhattan is the center of the universe, regardless of where they happen to live.

I lived in Manhattan for three years, and none of the gay people I knew read it.  But all heterosexual college professors did.  And quite a few outside of New York, in California, Florida, and Ohio.

Why is it required reading for elite heterosexuals but anathema for gay people, regardless of their elitism?

1. It's the height of insularity.  Manhattan is the center of the universe, California is full of wannabes, the rest of the U.S. is a "flyover" full of cows and rednecks, and the rest of the world doesn't exist.

Gay people know that West Hollywood is the center of the universe.

2. It's the height of heterosexism.  Endless stories about elite heterosexuals agonizing over failed marriages and dying relatives.

Endless cartoons about heterosexuals saying things that make sense to them, but not to gay people.  This guy tells his date, "I want Chardonnay, but I like saying 'Pinot Grigio."  She is shocked.  What's going on?

3. Gay people appear only as subjects of heterosexual discomfort.  In a similar restaurant, perhaps the same one, two feminine stereotypes are arguing (notice the limp wrist).  One says: "I wouldn't marry you if you were the last gay person on Earth."

Why is this funny?  Because he specifies "last gay person?"

Because it's rather disquieting for a heterosexual to think about gay people discussing marriage?

4. The stories are about men and women having relationship problems. Some of my least favorite writers, those who made me shudder when I was forced to read them in college, were published in The New Yorker:  J.B. Salinger, John Updike, Philip Roth, James Thurber, Joan Didion.

"A Perfect Day for Banana Fish."  What the heck is a banana fish? All I know is that someone dies.  Somebody always dies in these stories.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. With Hamlet and some German dudes

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing n*de, nice shots of his front and back, which made some viewers angry: "Nobody likes looking at that!  Why can't we see Amber's stuff instead?  Every man on Earth, without exceptions, wants to see Amber n*de." Ever hear of gay men, guys?

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little a*-kiss."  Abraham has like two lines this season, both about backsides.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing n*aked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom closet.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them moved to Kelvin and Keefe's room.

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark (left), uses a "play within a play" to discover that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King so they could take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Left: Since the Nanny is German, I'm posting some n*de German dudes on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

More after the break

Miles Heizer: Gay and nearly-gay roles, a girlfriend and some boyfriends, plus some c*ocks, bums, and Guy's Bar

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I am certainly going to visit a bar full of  guys, even if it's spelled wrong.

Or is Guy the owner, so it's Guy's bar?

I'm going either weay, but I'm not sure if Miles Heizer wants to come along.

You probably remember Miles from Parenthood (2010-2015), the sitcom with Craig T. Nelson and his four children and eight grandchildren.  It was like Modern Family without the diversity.  Miles played grandson Drew Holt: shy, sensitive, artistic, but still girl-crazy, with several girlfriends fighting over him.

The Greenville, Kentucky native was born in 1994, and began acting in 2005, with many guest spots before Parenthood, plus Rails & Ties (2007), about a young boy who survives a catastrophic train crash, and Rudderless (2014), about a father grieving over his dead son.

He had some gay-positive roles after Parenthood.

In Love, Simon (2018), he plays Cal, whom the closeted Simon mistakenly identifies as Blue, another closeted teen who posts about his experiences online.  Cal is not Blue, but he offers an ear if Simon wants to talk, suggesting that he may be bisexual, or at least an ally.

In 13 Reasons Why (2017-20), which spends three seasons explaining why a high school girl killed herself, Miles plays Alex Standell, who kisses his boyfriend Timothy Granaderos, after they are named prom kings, and everyone in the school applauds. 

He also gives us a n*de scene.  Wait, that's a woman you're on top of.  What gives?

According to Wikipedia, he dates Jessica in Seasons 1-3, then Winston Williams (Deaken Bluman) and Charlie St. George (Tyler Barnhart) in Season 4. 

Wait -- AZ Nude Men says that Miles is kissing Timothy Granaderos (left), but the fan wiki says Charlie St. George.  Granaderos plays Montgomery de la Cruz, a series antagonist who hooks up with guys, but isn't actually gay. 

Take your pick.  

After 13 Reasons, Miles appeared in two podcast series, Undertow: Narcosis and The Sisters.

He also starred in The Ex-Husbands (2023): a Manhattan dentist (Griffin Dunne of American Werewolf in London gets dumped by his wife, so he flies out to Tulum to crash his son's bachelor party. Whoops, that son gets dumped, too. Miles plays another brother, who is gay and therefore doesn't have to worry about marriage (um...gay marriage happens?)

It gets weird after the break

Michael Cade: California Dreams, Chaplin, Devils, and That Chest. With a n*de Aaron and the Greek God Pan

After Saved by the Bell (1989-1993) demonstrated that Saturday mornings didn't have to be all cartoons, every kid in the country suddenly started eating their Cheerios to impossibly buffed teenagers in impossibly affluent high schools.  California Dreams (1992-1997) may not have been the best of the Saved clones-- I don't know if "best" is operant here -- but it was the most beefcake heavy.  

The premise: two Iowa teens, Matt (Brent Gore) and Jenny, move to California, where they form a band called California Dreams.  Wait -- why are you dreaming about California, when you live there?  

We pause this profile to quote the famous "California Dreamin'", which I heard many times during dark dank winters in the Midwest as I plotted my move to the gay freedom of West Hollywood:

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is gray. 
I've been for a walk on a winter's day.
If I didn't tell her, I could leave today.
California dreamin' on such a winter's day.

Most of the Saved clones had the same basic characters: the schemer, who works every angle yet fails every class, and still gets into Harvard; the surly outsider who resents the schemer getting everything so easily; the goofball who litters his speech with nonsequiters; the popular girl, who ends up with the schemer; and the smart girl, who ends up with the surly outsider.  In California Dreams, Michael Cade, left, is the schemer, band manager Sly Winkle (sly wink, get it?)

William James Jones, left, is surly outsider Tony Wicks, the band's drummer and sometime soloist. 

In Season 2, Aaron Jackson joined the cast as Sly's cousin Mark Winkle, performing the goofball role. 

William and Aaron were cute, but they didn't get a lot of teen idol attention. Michael and That Chest were the definite stars. Shirtless photos littered the teen magazines and the gay celebrity websites.

I didn't watch California Dreams often -- on Saturday mornings, we usually watched Joel and the Bots on Mystery Science Theater 3000, then had lunch, browsed bookstores, bought groceries at the Gay Safeway, and went to the gym.  In the evening, we watched Mama's Family and The Golden Girls, then went cruising at Mugi or the Faultline...uh-oh, I feel "The Way We Were" coming on.

Can it be that it was all so simple then, 
Or has time rewritten every word?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?  Could we?

Sorry, these profiles from pre-2000 shows make me nostalgic.

Michael was born Michael Ocello in Elmwood Park, New Jersey in 1972.  He was interested in acting, but avoided drama club so he wouldn't be bullied -- "when I was in high school, being in the drama club wasn't cool," he notes in a teen magazine interview. Sounds like he was worried that people would think he was gay, which was a major concern in the late 1980s.

But the day he graduated in May 1990, he started taking acting lessons.  After a year, a few commercials, and a lot of bare chests, he moved to California where he could be open about his...um...acting.  It took only a few months for his chest to get a guest shot on Baywatch as Young Bobby, brother of focus character Eddie (Billy Warlock)

Michael also appeared in Chaplin (1992), the biopic of the silent movie star, as his nephew Sydney Chaplin Jr.

More after the break. 

"Single, Out": Aussie teen kisses his brother's friend! Plus coming out to Mum, a gay car wash, and some other junk

 

One more try to appease the super-Puritan censors.  Now they apparently disapprove of the Australian slang term for "kissing."

Link to the dudes

Ready for another comedy-drama about the coming-out experiences of a queer comedian?  Starring that guy from The Hunger Games?   Ok, Amazon Prime just dropped Single, Out (2022-25).  All of the episodes have one or two-word titles: "Single," "Out," "H*ard."  Maybe I'll double back to that one later, but we'll start with Episode 1, "Anytime."

Scene 1: October 13, 2023.  Wait -- writer/director Lee Galea was born in 1979.  No way he was a teenager in 2023.  And that guy isn't Josh Hutcherson from The Hunger Games, he's Will Hutchins, Australian, born in 2001, with 10 acting credits on the IMDB.  So this is not based on childhood coming-out experiences.  

Melbourne teenager Adam (Will Hutchins) photographs his art on the schoolroom wall, goes home to work on it, and looks at cute guys on his computer.  Look, he's a fan of "The Boys," an Amazon Prime show.  Product placement, anyone?

Ulp -- Brother Clay knocks on the door.  They bicker over leaving the seat up. I'm in the "leave it up" camp. It makes it a lot easier to go in the middle of the night.

In other news, Mom is spending the night with her boyfriend, so they're on their own.  Brother invited Josh over, and he made pizza.  

Adam says that he'll be down in five minutes, using Auslan (Australian Sign Language).  Wait -- if Adam is deaf, why doesn't his brother sign to him?  

As he continues looking at cute guys, suddenly the hunk on screen turns into Josh.  A crush on your brother's friend?   

Scene 2: Dinner.  One of those boring "Eat" plaques on the wall.  Yes, we know what one does in the kitchen.  Josh made mushroom pizza, because Brother Clay said Adam likes mushrooms.  Psych -- he hates them!  But he chokes the pizza down to avoid offending his crush.  He's not signing anymore.  Maybe he is learning Auslan in school, and just signed for practice?  

Trivia Fact: Will Hutchens has come out as the one guy on Earth who doesn't like pizza.  At all.

Brother Clay continues to embarrass Adam with stories about his childhood fear of boogers, but Josh is not dissuaded.  He opens up to Adam about his plan to become a pro football (soccer) player,  praises his art, and invites him to the shop.  Dude is into you; ask him out!

Continuing his attempt to push them together, Brother Clay suggests that Josh would make a good artist's model.  Josh's eyes light up -- if he poses for Adam he'll be asked out for sure!  "I'd love to!  Anytime!"

Scene 3: Adam takes a shower (chest shot). When he's done, he has a text message from Josh: "Anytime!"

Adam calls his friend Marco for advice.  Marco is annoyed: it's Grey's Anatomy night, and besides, he doesn't need advice.  When a cute guy offers to pose for you, and then texts you from the next room, you don't even need to ask him out.  Go over there and get your kissing on. 

I think the IMDB got mixed up.  It says that Marco is Ryan Stewart, but it's obviously Jake Hyde.

Adam is hesitant: dating your brother's friend could get complicated.    But he texts and invites Josh out for dessert.  

Scene 4: Adam searches in the refrigerator for something to serve. Leave the house, dude.  Get ice cream.  Josh grabs him -- he shrieks, startled.  "Sorry, I didn't realize that I was that scary.  So, your brother went off..."  He invites his friend for a sleepover, then abandons him?  That's rude -- unless he's trying to push the two together.

"Yeah, he's always getting some.  I never get any.  He got the looks, I got the personality." Hinting for Josh to assure you that you are attractive?  You got an inferiority complex or what?    

"You're totally hot," Josh says.  "So, where's my dessert?"  

Whipped cream squirted directly into his mouth?  Take him out!

"By the way, I'm pan," Josh continues. 

"I'm gay, but not out.  Brother doesn't know."

"That's ok, we'll keep this a secret."  You don't have a relationship yet, guys.

They kiss.  And it's onto the couch for more kissing.  Then into the bedroom. Guys, you left the door open. Brother Clay is going to catch you.

Scene 5: After they have finished kissing, Adam is dozing, and Josh sneaks out.   

Cut to Adam getting dressed in a ridiculous little-boy shirt (horizontal stripes?).  He catches the guys playing football in the front yard.  They ignore him.  When Brother Clay goes into the house, Adam asks Josh if they can get together again: "No, the sneaking-around thing is too 90s. Maybe after you come out."

Scene 6: Adam goes to work at the car wash, and tells his friend Marco about his evening.  "So, what does your Brother think about it?"  "Um...um...he doesn't know." 

The Boss comes around and asks if they want to ride on her bike at the Pride Parade.  

"But I'm not a lesbian."

"With that haircut, no one will notice."

They make fun of each other in the standard "gay men and lesbians don't like each other" cliche. 

So your boss is a lesbian, you got a gay best friend, and your brother's friend is pan, and you're having trouble coming out?  I remember when I was a teenager, there was no one who even acknowledged that "gay" was a thing.

Next the Shy Guy approaches, stumbles, mumbles, and finally gets the courage to ask Marco -- if they have any more car-wash sponges!

More after the break.  

"Mysterious Island": How to Ruin Jules Verne in 12 Minutes

 Jules Verne wrote stories about men having science-fiction adventures and buddy-bonding, with barely a woman mentioned:  20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Mysterious Island, From the Earth to the Moon, Five Weeks in a Balloon.  But movie adaptations almost invariably throw in some girls for the guys to fall in love with.

 Still, I have high hopes for Journey to the Mysterious Island 2, or Journey 2 the Mysterious Island.   It stars a teenager (Josh Hutcherson) teaming up with his stepfather (The Rock, Dwayne Johnson) to find his grandfather, so testosterone all the way down, and there's no hint of heterosexual romance in the trailer.

Scene 1: Jules Verne is mentioned in voice-over in the very first shot: we are told that his books are not science fiction.  Everything actually happened.  

A person on a motorcycle being chased by the police.  They have humorous misadventures, and end up crashing into a swimming pool.  Surprise -- it's Josh Hutcherson! 

Police cars, ambulances, dogss. Josh broke into a satellite facility, but because his stepfather is The Rock, the police aren't pressing charges (they don't have the authority to do that). 

Scene 2: Back home, Josh, The Rock, and Mom argue.  "You're not my real Dad," and so on.  Josh takes his shirt off for gratuitous beefcake.  Then he rushes to his room, takes out a secret message, and tries to decipher it.

The Rock comes in.  Josh explains that the message came from the radio three nights ago.  But his radio wasn't strong enough to get the whole message, ergo the satellite facility.

They decipher references to Treasure Island, The Mysterious Island, and Gulliver's Travels.  Each time, Josh pulls out an ancient volume -- he's never heard of paperbacks?  Turns out that all three books depict the same island, which is real, located just east of Palau in the South Pacific.  So we're going to meet pirates and Lilliputians?

And by the way, Josh's Grandpa is trapped there.

Scene 3:   The Rock and Mom discuss the situation.  Turns out Grandpa was a wide-eyed schemer who was never "there for her."   They decide to let Josh go to Palau anyway, so the two can have some father-son bonding time,

Scene 4: The docks in Palau.  Josh makes a fool of himself by talking to the natives in broken English.  The Rock and Josh try to charter a boat, but no one is willing to take them to the coordinates: "it's a graveyard!"  Finally the fast-talking Gabito offers to take them in his run down helicopter.  

"You must meet my daughter," he says. This can't be good.

Uh-oh.  It's the Girl of Josh's Dreams.  Slow-motion walk, hair blowing in the wind, every heterosexist cliche out in full force. Josh dissolves into a puddle of hormones.  

I'm out.

See also: "Young Rock," Episode 2.8: The Rock hits the big time, with lots of locker room beefcake and bulges

Daryl Sabara: Juni grows up, fights cannibals, bikers, and Satanists, and shows his d*ck, but I'm still depressed

Michael Strogoff: Jules Verne's Gay Couple

Jules Verne: The Disney Version

Derrick Burbage: Stunt driver, soldier, cop, realtor, hombre muy hombre -- or not.

When I was in college, I brought a friend home for spring break, and pointed out my father's flower garden.

Friend: Your father is not a man.

He was not defining man as someone with a d*ck.  He meant man as someone who meets the expectations of hegemonic masculinity: 

Muscular, hairy chest, beard or five o'clock shadow.

Aggressive, assertive.

A fan of sports, Tool Time, huntin', fishin', and classic cars.

Experiencing no emotion except anger.

Ok with his kid being gay. to an extent.

Fleeing from any hint of anything feminine-coded, from flowers to flowery adjectives. 

In Spanish, we say un hombre muy hombre. 

When I first noticed Derrick Burbage, he struck me as a perfect example of an Hombre Muy Hombre

He appears in Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.1 as Jesse's driver, taking him from the private airfield through our first glimpse of the Gemstone Compound, with its private police force and security guards.  How hombre muy hombre can you get?

Derrick returned several times during Seasons 1 and 2 as a stunt driver and Danny McBride's stunt double.  He was honored to crash "a classic 1970 Cadillac."

And in Season 3 as a stunt driver.

His IMDB biography talks about military convoys, Afghanistan, light and heavy weapons training, tactical combat vehicle operations, and "real-life high-speed vehicle pursuits." 

I'm getting a testosterone overdose just writing those words.

Derrick's stunting and acting work begins in 2014, when he was 38 or 39.  I pieced together his early life with LinkedIn, Facebook, his stunting resume, and speculation.

Baseball: He was born in 1974 or 1975.  No information on high school, but he's a baseball fan today, so I imagine that he was on the baseball team.  After graduation, he probably joined the army. 

Policing:  Derrick graduated from the South Carolina Criminal Justice Academy in 1998.  

He worked as a South Carolina State Trooper (1998-2009) and Charleson County Deputy Sheriff (2009-2010).

Back to school: Troy University, in Troy, Alabama, which is not as bad as it sounds -- they have a LGBTQ group on campus.  

He graduated in 2011 with a B.S. in Computer Science and Criminal Justice (3.95 GPA, Phi Beta Kappa).  I imagine anyone would do well after working for 13 years as a criminal justice professional.

Geek Squad:  For the next few years, Derrick worked as a regional manager at Geek Squad, plus  manager of a liquor store and a private investigator.  It's a gig economy.  Everybody has three jobs.

Realtor: He got a MBA in 2016 and became a licensed realtor in 2017.  

Acting: Derrick started acting as the cop who arrests Terry (Shawn Hatosy) on a 2014 episode of Reckless.

Next came Office Don in the short Lucky Luke (2018), about two beach pals (Michael James Daly, Rodney Smith) reminiscing.

Some guest spots on The Righteous Gemstones (2019).

Stunting:  The Righteous Gemstones was his first stunting gig.  Next came: 

Black Adam (2022), with Dwayne Johnson as the Marvel superhero.

The Walking Dead (2022, where he doubled for Season 4 antagonist Jason Butler Harner, left)

Echo (2023-24), with Alaqua Cox as the Marvel superhero.

And Suncoast (2024), about a teenage girl who befriends an activist.

 

See also: Austin Seifert: Cycle Ninja, Gisondo double, stuntman

Shane Gray: Stunt performer, pole vaulter, boy scout, man's man

Shane Michael Parker: Soldier, stuntman, wolf fan