I have never heard any of the songs of the 1980s band Motley Crue, but I've heard their names and a lot gossip. Did Tommy Lee post a home-made porno that showed his enormous cock? Did he date Barbara from One Day at a Time? Did Ozzy Osbourne bite the heads off bats? Did Lisa Simpson play Nikki Six on a parody episode of The Simpsons?. Were any of them gay?
Other than Google, there's one way to find out: watch the biopic The Dirt on Netflix.
Scene 1: The narrator tells us that the 1980s was the worst fucking decade in human history.
Wait -- I loved the 80s, at least the last half. I was a young adult, living in West Hollywood, the heart of the gay world. Sunday brunch at the French Quarter. Sunday afternoon beer busts at the Faultline. Cruising at Mugi. The Different Light Bookstore. The Greenery.
Just indulge me. I'll get to back to the review in a moment.
Madonna. Prince. Michael Jackson. Laura Branigan Dynasty. Moonlighting. Who's the Boss.
Lunch with Michael J. Fox. Coffee with Richard Dreyfuss. An Oscar party with Keanu Reeves. John Amos naked at the gym. AIDS Walks. Christopher Street West.
Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven!
Oh well, back to what the narrator hated about the 80s: preppies, keyboards, stupid haircuts, jazzercise, "Just say no." Well, the Reagans were pretty vile.
"So we four misfits made the fucking decade ours by going to Whiskey A-Go-Go." Five blocks north of my apartment in West Hollywood, but I never went because it was reputedly way homophobic. Also it was up a very steep hill.
"And then bringing the party back to our place." Endless male-female couples smooching.
He introduces the misfits:
1. Tommy Lee (Colson Baker), who demonstrates how to do oral sex on a lady (yes, we see her privates).
2. The narrator, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth, top photo), who has set his arm on fire (wait -- I thought Nikki Six was a girl).
3, In the bathroom, Vince Neil (Daniel Weber) is fucking a girl (we see her breasts)
4. Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) is sleeping.
That's all four. Where's Ozzy Osbourne? He must join the band later.
Back in the main party, a woman who has been getting cunnilingis pees explosively, Or does something else. I don't know what comes out of lady parts, and I don't want to know. I've seen more of them in the last five minutes than in the last 20 years, and it is not pleasant. I'm out.
Time to resort to Google.
1. Tommy Lee has been married four times. I recognize the names of two of his wives: Pamela Anderson and Heather Locklear. But he was never married to Valerie Bertinelli, Barbara on One Day at a Time. I was thinking of Jon Bon Jovi.
2. In 1997, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson filmed a tape of them having sex. It's still on the internet somewhere, if you're interested. I'm not. There are other nude photos of Tommy available: enormous cock, full-body tattoos.
Wait -- was Ozzy blond? And did he usually dress in drag?
4. Lisa Simpson doesn't parody Nikki Six in the "Love, Springfield Style" episode of The Simpsons. She and Nelson parody Sid Vicious and Nancy Spurgeon of the Sex Pistols
Were any of them gay: In 2021, Tommy Lee offered Nikki Six a happy 75th birthday, and called him "my brother/other wife/ band mate/ terror twin/ and gay lover." I imagine that he was joking.
What about homophobic: The band has made a lot of homophobic statements over the years. In 2012, Nikki Six told fans that "This isn't a fucking John Mayer faggot concert!" Tommy Lee called the American Music Awards, the AMAs, the GAYmas, and then doubled down: "We all know that calling shit gay has nothing to do with actual gay people, so calm your bitch ass down."
However, Ozzy and his wife Sharon have attended LGBT benefits. Recently Sharon came out as bisexual.
Since Tony Cavalero was involved, I put a version with nude photos on my Righteous Gemstones blog. Here's the link:
The Dirt on Motley Crue (with Cocks but No Lady Parts)
I think you're kidding, but Valerie Bertenelli was married to Eddie Van Halen.
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