Link to the n*de photos
Scene 1: The woman who talks through her fingers in the icon is driving through an autumnal road to a quaint New England town with a sign saying Plethora, Maine. Maybe the human race goes extinct due to a vampire outbreak.
She stops in front of one of those gigantic "middle class" homes, and hugs and cries with the woman inside. Geez, she's wearing like a gold ring the size of a baseball on each finger. How will she stake vampires that way?
Wait -- according to IMDB, this isn't about vampires. It's a drama about domestic abuse! Why such a misleading title, almost identical to The Last of Us, about survivors of a zombie Apocalypse?
I'm still watching. I never see dramas, so this will be an adventure in snarky comments. And it will be fun to watch a movie produced by, for, and about straight people, like going undercover in a foreign country.
The lady in the house tells the Finger-Talking Woman -- who has the ridiculous name Lily Bloom -- that this is her father's funeral (thanks for letting her know!), then criticizes her for taking a job out of town, so she couldn't be by his side every second. Oh, and she informs Lily that she is her mother. She acts so oddly that I thought she was the housekeeper. Why would the wife of the dead guy say "your father's funeral" instead of using his name?
Scene 2: Lily Bloom goes up to her room -- huge, cluttered with girly stuff like pictures of fairies and a ballerina music box. She brought nothing with her when she moved out?
Mom follows her upstairs to say "He really loved you." Yeah, that's what all abusers say. "At the funeral, you're going to have to say five things that you loved about him." Um...er...he was...um...
Left: Dad Kevin McKidd, in 1996.
Time for the funeral, at city hall, super-crowded -- Dad was the mayor, also a husband and a father. Give him a medal! Time for Lily's eulogy, but she can't think of anything, so she steps down from the podium. Murmur, murmur.
Scene 3: Back in Boston, Lily sits on the roof of a high-rise apartment building, no doubt planning to jump, but The Man of Her Dreams, Ryle (Justin Baldoni, top photo) bursts in, angry, kicking over chairs. He joins her on the ledge to discuss how much he hates maraschino cherries. She wants to know if he is upset over "a woman...or a man." Acknowledging that gay people exist! But I'll bet that's all the representation we'll see.
They exchange job information, which I understand is common for straight people in their first meeting: Florist, neurosurgeon. Guess which Lily is.
Their falling-in-love conversation takes up the next seven minutes of screen time, but they don't make a date for later. Are you sure there won't be any vampires?
Scene 4: Adolescent Lily in her bed,putting flowers into a scrap book. Gratuitous leg shot as she gets up, brushes her teeth, writes in her diary, and puts on her starter set of huge, clunky rings -- well, she couldn't write in her diary with them on, could she?
Looking out the window, she sees a young man sneaking out of the abandoned house next door and sorting through the garbage for food.
He gets on her bus! She gazes in Boy-of-Her-Dreams longing. Lily's going to have two abusive boyfriends?
It takes about five minutes of screen time for her to arrange a meeting and get his story: "My Mom kicked me out...because..." You're gay? Nope: because she doesn't like him interfering with her boyfriends "beating the shit out of her." They beat him up, too, but he can't mention it because he's macho.
Lily invites him home to shower and change clothes, and watch Ellen. A lesbian exists in their world. He stares at her clunker rings; she criticizes the outfit that she gave him. So, for straight people, is criticism like flirting?
Scene 5: The adult Lily heads toward the store she's leasing for her new flower shop, while Mom tries to discourage her on the phone: she saw on the internet that "45% of all flowers die." Just 45% ?
As Lily is cleaning out the old stuff, a woman named Alyssa comes in to ask about the "help wanted" sign. It's leftover from the previous owner, but Lily might need some help soon: "I'm opening a flower shop."
"Ugh! Never mind, I hate flower shops. They're depressing, full of dying things."
"You're hired!" So you get a job by criticizing the job.
Montage of the two bonding over cleaning out stuff, painting, and so on.
Alyssa's husband Marshall (Hasan Minaj) calls -- darn, I thought she was a lesbian. He's across the street with her brother, watching the Big Game, but she drafts him into helping out.
Ulp: Alyssa's brother is -- Ryle the neurosurgeon!
They gaze at each other for about three minutes of screen time. Don't straight people, like, talk? Finally Alyssa and Marshall get tired of it and suggest a double date.
Cut to a karaoke bar, with Ryle and Lily trying to ignore their mutual attraction -- they're single adults, what's the problem? -- and Alyssa and Marshall aggressively pushing them together -- they've known Lily for like three hours, why do they care? After about ten minute of screen time, they kiss.
Scene 6: Adolescent Lily on a picnic with the Abused Guy, whose name is Atlas (Alex Neustaedter). The Greek god who is holding up the world, not the book of maps.
Left: Atlas
They discuss Lily's Dad beating up her mom. In other news, Atlas will be joining the Marines, so they can't continue their relationship.
Scene 7: BFF Alyssa's birthday party, at her gigantic palace, with a living room bigger than a hotel atrium. Around a thousand people there, all heterosexual couples. Why does she want to work in a flower shop, again?
Lily runs into Ryle the Neurosurgeon again, and tells him, "Stop flirting with me." Then they go up to his room and have sex. Mixed signals, lady.
Scene 8: In the morning, Lily walks the six miles down to a kitchen big enough to prepare meals for the population of a medium-sized city. Apprised that she has spent the night, Alyssa cautions that Ryle the Neurosurgeon goes through women like candy mints. He's ok for a hookup, but if you're looking for a serious relationship, forget it. Then why were you so aggressively pushing them together?
More after the break
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Scene 9: Fancy restaurant, where Lily is taking Ryle the Neurosurgeon to meet her mum. She talks through her fingers at him, clattering her huge clunky rings, and then notices the huge clunky ring on the waiter's finger. Looking for a friend with your terrible fashion sense?
Nope, it's the same huge clunky ring that her adolescent boyfriend Atlas wore. The waiter is Atlas grown up (Brandon Sklenar)!
As they gaze longingly at each other and talk through their fingers -- must be characteristic of clunky-ring people -- he tells what he's been up to: Eight years in the Marines, then a career as a waiter, and a wife or girlfriend named Cassie. He's working, so...bye...
Waiter or neurosurgeon? What a conundrum. Which one has the bigger d*ck?
Scene 10: Montage of Lily working at the shop, then hanging in a bar with the guys. Alyssa announces that she's having a baby. Everyone cheers.
Left: Brandon Sklenar, the grown-up Atlas.
Wait -- Alyssa says that her parents had three children, but Lily only counts two. What happened to the third? Maybe they don't live in Boston? "We had an older brother named Emerson who died when we were kids."
In the morning, Ryle makes frittatas and serves booze while mounting her on the kitchen counter. Then he smooches on her various body parts.
Uh-oh, the frittata is burning! He tries to pull it out of the oven without mitts, burning himself and shattering the baking dish, which caused Lily to freak out and fall down on the broken glass, and bash her face against the counter. We'd better get a flashback about her dad doing something horrible about now.
Scene 11: Lunch the next day, with Lily talking through her fingers, and Alyssa and Marshall suspicious of her bandaged hand. Atlas the waiter -- actually the owner, just waiting tables for fun -- follows her into the restroom and demands to know what happened.
"It was just an accident."
"He's an abuser. Leave him!" Dude, sometimes accidents are just accidents.
She tries to get away, but Atlas restrains her. Now who's being abusive, buddy?
When she finally breaks away and leaves the oddly empty restroom, Neurosurgeon Ryle is there to investigate. Atlas slams him into a wall and says "If you touch her again, I'll cut off your hand and shove it down your throat." Assaults and threats. Which is the bad guy here?
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They fight, wreck things, and insult each other while Lily yells "Stop!"
There's an hour left, but I'm bored, and out of space.
Beefcake: One of the guys takes his shirt off.
Gay Characters: No. One or two references indicating that Alyssa is aware of the existence of LGBT people, but there aren't any in Boston.
Setting: The idyllic small town in Maine carefully established in the first scene is just a tease. The movie takes place in a Boston with virtually no landmarks, so it could be any big city.
Plot: Ryle the Neurosurgeon finally gets around to being abusive during last hour. His sister explains that he accidentally killed their older brother when he was young. Eventually Lily dumps him.
Pacing: Seems very slow, taking forever to set up the five main characters and situation. But I don't watch many dramas. Maybe they're all like that.
"It ends with us": Lily talking to her child when she finally dumps the abusive neurosurgeon. The original novel would not be in the science fiction section of the bookstore, so no problem with misnaming, but surely someone noticed that as a movie title, it screams "Post-Apocalytic!"
Bonus: Cal McEnemy or McMeEnemy, who played one of the guys that breaks up the Atlas-Ryle fight.
See also: James and Kelton Dumont: father-son actors and their hunky costars and heartthrobs
Peter Billingsley: the lingerie lamp kid, a Beverly Hills brat, whips, ropes, and Peter's peter.
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