"Oz, the Great and Powerful": A walking p enis (not in a good way) finds true love, two wicked witches, and a flying monkey

 

Link to the n*de Franco, Braff, and Arnold

Last night for movie night, we saw Oz the Great and Powerful (2013), a Disney retread of the Oz mythos, with reflections of both the original books by L. Frank Baum and the 1939 movie.  It had some visual appeal, but the heteronormativity was so intense and unyielding that it burned.

In black-and-white 1905 Kansas, Oz (James Franco) is a circus sideshow magician who seduces every woman in sight -- three in the first five minutes.

Easter Egg: The circus is run by Mr. Baum.

He has an assistant (Zach Braff), whom he treats horribly, and an ex-girlfriend (Michelle Williams), who is in love with him but plans to marry John Gale instead because he doesn't want a "normal" life, the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kids.  Not because he is gay, because he is irresponsible.

Easter egg: It's not mentioned, but the ex-girlfriend is going to become Dorothy's mother, then die, so Dorothy can go live with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, and get zapped to Oz in seven years. 

Oz's act comes to a halt when he admits that he can't cure a disabled girl in the audience.  

Then he has to flee when the circus strongman and clown  (Tim Holmes, Brian Searle) get angry over the seduction of their wives.  Oz jumps into his balloon, and is zapped through a tornado into Oz.

I figured a guy playing a strongman would have some beefcake photos,but Tim Holmes doesn't.  Instead, we have him saying that he's visiting his kids "to see his grandchildren"..with his hand on one of their bellies.  No baby in there, buddy; those are your twin sons. 

Left: Eugen Sandow, the original strongman.

Back to Oz.  The wilderness is brightly-colored, with singing foliage out of Fantasia, and things that keep zapping you in the face (the film was originally 3-D).

Oz meets the Good Witch Theodora, who happens to be traipsing around the wilderness with no supplies.  Discovering that he is coincidentally named after her country, she concludes that he is the Wizard prophesied to free the kingdom from the evil Wicked Witch, so of course he seduces her.  Is this supposed to be an endearing trait? 

Next they go to the Emerald City, picking up a flying monkey in a bellman's outfit (Zach Branff) along the way.  Evanora, the Witch in power, will be happy to hand over the throne, as long as he saves them by breaking the wand of the Wicked Witch, which will kill her.  

More Oz after the break

So Oz and the Flying Monkey set out for the Witch's lair.  They stop by a village of people made of china, all smashed to death by the Wicked Witch, except for China Doll Girl, whose legs have been cut off.   Oz glues them back together. 

Wait -- the Flying Monkey, who becomes his friend, is his assistant back home.  The China Doll Girl, who he heals, is the disabled girl at the magic act.  Oz is redeeming himself.  Yet there is no indication that this is all a dream.

Plot Twist: The Wicked Witch, who happens to be hanging around the cemetery for no reason, turns out to be Glinda the Good.  She has been framed by Evanora back in the Emerald City, the real Wicked Witch.  So of course Oz seduces her.

Wait -- Glinda is played by Michelle Williams, his ex-girlfriend Annie back home.  Still no indication that this is all a dream.

Later, Glinda takes Oz through a magic bubble to a region safe from the Wicked Witch, but the townsfolk are woefully unprepared to go into battle.

Margaret Hamilton Emerges: Meanwhile, back in the Emerald City, Evanora tells her sister that Oz seduced her, too (he didn't, for some reason).  This upsets Theodora so much that she asks to be made evil so she can get revenge.  Evanora obliges, but turning evil gives Theodora green skin, clawed hands, and a cackling laugh -- she becomes Margaret Hamilton's Wicked Witch, so evil that even Evanora is shocked.  She wants to kill everyone.  Starting with Oz's True Love, Glinda.

When she attacks, Oz decides to become a good man after all.  He and his friends use his stage magic to create a scary cloud-face and a display of fireworks, which scares the Wicked Witches away.  Oz and Glinda kiss. House, job, wife, and kids after all.  Ugh.

Beefcake: None.  The Ozites are portrayed as ridiculous. Martin Klebba (left) plays a Rebel Munchkin, and Arnold Agee, below, a blacksmith, but in a ridiculous getup.

Heterosexism: In the original books, heterosexual romance appears only occasionally, in a side plot.  None of the main characters ever express heterosexual interest.  Here it is everywhere. Everywhere  Even in the crowd scenes -- during the final battle, the terrified Ozites cling to each other in heterosexual pairs.

Sexism: Evanora is a Mean Girl cyber-bully. Theodora is a psycho ex-girlfriend. Glinda has magical powers, but can't do anything except become a damsel in distress.  The China Doll is a china doll.  The 1939 movie had stronger female characters.

Gay Characters: The wicked witches keep calling Glinda "pretty" and touching her face, but they mean "I'm so jealous!", not "You're so hot!" 

My Grade: Ugh.

See also:  Andrew Keegan: From "Teenage Caveman" and "The Broken Hearts Club" to...well, he got to kiss Dean Cain

The Deuce: The p enises, porn stars, and Mafiosi of 1970s New York.  Includes James Franco

  The Boys and Men of Oz

Robert Oberst and the World's Strongest Men