Jun 25, 2014

The Hottest, Coolest, and Most Homophobic Daytime TV Judges

When I was living in Florida, there were judge shows on nonstop every day from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm: Judge Judy, The People's Court, Divorce Court, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mathis, Judge Hatchett, Judge Alex, and so on.  In spite of public perception, they are not actual court proceedings; they are binding arbitrations presided over by a former judge.

The cases are taken from small-claims court, so they are mild: a roommate sues over a broken lease; a girlfriend sues over an unpaid loan; a bride and groom sue their wedding photographer for shoddy service.  Still, the voiceovers sensationalize the cases, envisioning vast scenarios of good versus evil, of "tough justice," lex talionis, giving scumbags their just deserts.

Come on, the "scumbag" didn't do anything more heinous than reneging on a contract!

Here are the most homophobic, heterosexist, gay-positive, hottest, and coolest of the daytime tv judges:

1. Most Homophobic:  A tie between Judge Joe Brown and Judge Mathis.  They are constantly appearing shocked and horrified when they get gay litigants (which isn't often) and saying things like "A child needs a mother and a father."

The voiceover introductions don't help: a woman is suing her LESBIAN LOVER!!!! for non-payment of a loan,  or two MALE LOVERS!!!! are suing the contractor who botched their new kitchen.

Most Heterosexist: Oddly, Judge David Young (left) , the only "openly" gay tv judge.  Every male litigant is advised to get a woman, and every female litigant to get a man.  “Are you a woman who has been taken ad-vantage of by a man?” he asks, unaware that a woman might be taken advantage of by a woman. He advises a male litigant who has just graduated from high school to continue his education, because: “There are a lot of cute girls in college who would like you!” The young man has not once mentioned being heterosexual.

Coolest: the acerbic Judge Judy Scheindlin/.  She rarely makes homophobic comments, but her courtroom is infused with heterosexism.  She demands that unmarried litigants "Grow up, stop playing house, and get married!" Thus voraciously equating straight practice with maturity, condemning gay people to perpetual adolescence.

Most gay-positive: Judge Marilyn Milian of The People’s Court.  Like the other judges, she often asks male litigants "Do you have a girlfriend?" and female litigants "Do you have a boyfriend?" without determining their sexual orientation first, but she never goes beyond that kneejerk heterosexism, and she treats her LGBT litigants like anyone else, not as ratings-grabbing scandals.

Hottest: Judge Alex Ferrer (left)

There are also some hot bailiffs, such as Doyle Devereaux, bailiff for Judge Mathis, and Douglas McIntosh (left), bailiff for Judge Marilyn Milian.

And many attractive litigants.  A fun game is to write down their names and home towns and search for them online.  They often have galleries of shirtlless photos on Facebook or Instagram.