"What We Do in Shadows": Everyone is Queer

What We Do in Shadows (2019) sounds like closeted gay men, who used to be called "shadow people."  It's actually about vampires, but aren't they sort of the same thing.  The vampire has always had a tinge of queerness, from the androgynous count Dracula through tortured femme Barnabas Collins to the pansexual gay-dad Lestat.

This iteration is a sort of Real World mockumentary about four vampires sharing a house on Staten Island.

1. Austere Nandor (Keyvan Novak, left), the oldest of the group, has been around since the days of Vlad the Impaler. 

2. and 3. Chubby aesthete Lazlo (Matt Berry, left) is devotee of the pleasures  of the flesh.  He has starred in thousands of porn movies, and enjoys pruning bushes into lady parts.  He is married to Nadja (Natasha Demetriou), but they both seek out other lovers. 

Nadja, for instance, turns Jenna (Beanie Feldstein) during a lesbian encounter, and is having an affair with Jeff (Jake McDorman), a reincarnation of a former lover.

4. Colin (Mark Proksch), an "energy vampire," feeds on the annoyance of humans.  So he has a cubicle-job, where he can annoy his coworkers with inane conversations.

5. Guillermo (Harvey Guillén, right, with boyfriend), Nandor's human "familiar" (slave, servant, apprentice).  He usually gets ignored or rejected, and then goes to his room to pout (think Willie Loomis to Barnabas). 

The humor comes from vampires engaging in modern urban activities like planning parties and going to nightclubs,with some plotlines about negotiating with enemies, forming alliances, and dealing with the Vampire Council.

The delivery is very understated, deadpan, with a lot of improv, which I find a bit dull.  Maybe, like, hire some writers to actually write some dialogue?

But on the bright side, everyone on the show is unreflectively pansexual; they don't seem to even be aware of the existence of sexual orientations.  For instance, Nandor orders Guillermo to invite his virgin friend Jeremy (James Dwyer) to the upcoming orgy to be eaten (virgin (infinitely attractive to vampires).  Guillermo tries to make Nandor think that Jeremy is not a virgin by discussing his "girlfriend," marking him as heterosexual.  But when Jeremy comes to the party anyway, he has energetic anal sex with a man. "This is a great party!" he exclaims. 

Well, not a great party, but a pretty good one.

My grade: B. 

"Don't Feed the Humans": "Big Brother" with Anal Probes

Don't Feed the Humans, on Mondo Media and Youtube, is a 5-minute long webseries created by Jeff Shorkey.  It is set in an alien zoo, where a disparate group of abductees is forced to live together in a "human habitat."  Sort of like Big Brother with anal probes:

Jack, the central character, the voice of reason.

From left to right:
A Roman gladiator
Jack
A 1950s housewife
A professor of gender studies
A 1920s silent movie star
A redneck
The Girl

Episodes involve zookeeper Horf's misunderstandings of human culture and his attempts to increase patronage with tie-in merchandising, "human mating day," and so on.  There are also escape attempts, flashbacks to life before abduction, and some hetero-romantic entanglements.

The animation is cut-out, like South Park, with few changes of position or perspective, but the characters are pleasant, with a surprising amount of depth for animated paper dolls.

Almost everyone has past or present heterosexual interests, but the professor of gender studies is a lesbian, and there is extensive male bonding, even an occasional hint of homoerotic activity.  For instance, when Horf invites the aliens to his house for dinner, the redneck bonds with his teenage son, and the two go off to the bedroom together, ostensibly to get high.

Plus we get to see a lot of Jack.

Definitely worth an hour-long youtube binge.

The New Netflix Queer Eye Makes Georgia Boys Fabulous

I never watched the Bravo reality series Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (2003-2007), which sent five screaming queens out to teach macho men how to get chicks by getting their femme on.  It pandered to stereotypes on every level. All straight men grunt and scratch themselves and are completely clueless about the finer things in life.  But all gay men -- aka "girls" -- are fabulous!

Apparently somebody liked it, as Netflix has produced a retread. It's rated TV-14, though nothing sexual occurs, because, of course, even in 2018, kids must never know that gay people exist.

The new Fab Five is a little more diverse, fewer screamers, some ethnic minorities: Bobby Berk (design), Antoni Poworski (food), Jonathan Van Ness (grooming), Tan France (fashion), and Karamo (culture).

Their new stomping ground is small-town and suburban Georgia, where, instead of macho men, they descend upon the scariest ZZ Top lookalikes who ever drove a red pickup truck down a country road while listening to "Sweet Home Alabama," escort them to clothing stores and barber shops, and display their new fabulousness to their friends at the American Legion.

1. A 57-year old dump truck driver who lives in a one-room apartment believes that you "can't fix ugly" until the Fab Five convince him to embrace his inner fabulousness.

2. A shy, reclusive guy with long hair and a longer beard lets the Fab Five draw him out of his shell.

3. A NASCAR enthusiast wants to become more likeable and connect with his family.

4. The "straightest gay guy in Atlanta" learns to be gayer.

5. A devoutly Christian redneck gets a home makeover to impress his new wife with.

6. A young entrepreneur gets a home makeover.

7. An aspiring comedian who still lives with his parents at age 33 gets a new pad and a new "brand."

8. A firefighter gives his whole firehouse a makeover.

Not much beefcake in these episodes --  even the firefighter is hardly the stuff of calendar shoots. But the whole point is that the straight men (and masculine gay guys) look rather undesirable, chubby, scruffy, and geeky before they learn how to dress and groom themselves.

I have to admire the Fab Five's courage -- I'd be afraid to even drive through those small towns, let alone pop into Jimmy's Bring-Er In Tavern and announce "We're here to do a makeover, girlfriend!"  I'm sure everyone who appears on camera has been extensively vetted, but still, it's rather enjoyable to see roomsful of shaggy guys in overalls and feed store caps displaying no homophobia whatsoever.

And no racism, for that matter.  Isn't rural Georgia Trump country?

But watching the Fab Five escort their subjects through getting haircuts, trying on shirts, and shopping for mattresses gets really boring.  I don't like doing those things myself -- why would I want to watch someone else do them?

And the number of takeaway points for at-home viewers is limited: don't wear a baseball cap unless you are going to a baseball game; buy matching furniture sets rather than individual pieces; cut down on salt while cooking.

And  I still disapprove of the definition of "gay" as "flamboyantly feminine" rather than "attracted to the same sex."

Adam Mastrelli Reveals "Untold Secrets"

Watching tv on the treadmill at the gym during the daytime is usually awful. 

Endless reruns of Friends.  I get it: Joey is stupid, Chandler is neurotic, Phoebe is judgmental, and none of them are funny.

The Loud Family 35 times a day on Nickelodeon.

Austin and Allie on the Disney Channel (still?). 

Reality tv programs about pawn shops and interior design. 

The last 5 minutes of a movie.

. Sports, sports, sports, sports, and sports. 

And when you do hit something interesting, it will end in a few seconds to make way for a 5-minute commercial break (1/6th of my run!).

So it was quite a pleasant surprise the other day, when I came across a program about George Washington as a Mason.  I'm interested in the paranormal and secret societies, so I kept watching.

It turned out to be Untold Secrets a Travel Channel program about "a multitude of secrets, revealing amazing facts and stranger-than-fiction anecdotes that are destined to fuel water cooler conversations for days to come."  I happened to stumble across the first, and so far, only episode, "George Washington."

The "historical investigator" is 42-year old Adam Mastrelli, "a modern day Renaissance man," an actor with credits on General Hospital, Rescue Me, and a number of Broadway shows, including Yo, Alice (a hiphop version of Alice in Wonderland). 

He also does something with IBM, and he is involved with Grassroots Soccer, an organization founded by former soccer pro Ethan Zohn (top photo),  dedicated to using soccer for AIDS prevention.

Adam has no wife listed on IMDB, so he's probably gay.  I'm not sure about his history credentials: he has a B.A. in sociology from Duke.  But he has quite a nice physique.

Beats watching Joey, Ross, and Phoebe for the umpteenth time.

Wahlburgers: 4 Seasons, No Underwear

Marky Mark Wahlberg, who rose to fame as a pants-dropping rapper and later spun his mega-buffed physique into serious dramatic roles, is now in his mid 40s, and the star of a reality series, Wahlburgers (2014-)

32 episodes so far in two mini-seasons per year, in the spring and summer.

It's actually about Wahlburgers, a "family" restaurant run by his brother Paul, back in Boston. Of course, Mark gets into the act, as well as two other actor brothers, Donnie and Bob, plus various wives, children, and family friends.

Plots involve scouting out new restaurant locations, scoping out the secret sauce, helping friends get their careers off the ground, and various family squabbles.  Pretty dull stuff.

You weren't a big enough star to make your family intrinsically interesting, Marky.

Still, there are the physiques...

Mark is fabulously built, of course, and Donnie, a New Kid on the Block back in 1990, now a regular cop/soldier/tough guy in tv series like Blue Bloods, is not bad.

Unfortunately, neither disrobes often.  An occasional chest, no underwear.

And the other brothers are less than droolworthy.

Family friends/investors look like they belong on the set of Cheers.  They're either Cliff or Norm.

Most of the brothers' children are still preteens.  Donnie's sons, Xavier Walhberg and Elijah Hendrix Wahlberg, are 23 and 15, respectively, but do not appear on the show.

That leaves Brandon, son of sister Tracey, an aspiring actor who works at a warehouse.  He had a Marky-style physique.

But he doesn't take his shirt off on camera.  This photo of his impressive arms is from his twitter page.

Well, at least the food looks good.

See also: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

10 Things You Should Know about Dash Dobrovsky

1. He played water polo and lacrosse at Santa Monica High School.

2.  He's been acting since he was twelve, but he got his first big break playing Manny's "cool friend" Griffin on an 2012 episode of Modern Family.

3. He stars in a youtube reality series, Summer Break, which is mostly about how hot girls are.

4. However, it does make it obvious that he hangs to the left.

5. He played Byron in the tv movie Enough about Jack (2015), directed by his brother Spyder, who graduated from UC Santa Barbara in 2014 with a degree in filmmaking.  Several other members of his family are in show business, including Neal and Tippi.

More after the break.

The Top 9 Beefcake Stars of "America's Got Talent"

I don't watch talent shows on tv, so I figured that America's Got Talent (2006-)  was just another rendition of American Idol, with wannabe pop stars belting out off-key Madonna while a panel of celebrity complains.  Turns out that the acts involve more than just singers.  There are comedians, magicians, and acrobats, including a significant number who offer beefcake along with their performance.

Here are some of the best physiques.

1. Brennan Ficari from Season 6, an aerial artist based in Berlin.

2. Alex Magala, a sword-swallower from Moldova who has appeared on six Got Talent programs: Russia, Britain, the U.S., the Czech Republic, Italy, and the Ukraine.

3. Aeon, a group of parkour practitioners from Miami.

4. The Aerialist duo Catalexi, composed of Catherine Audy and Alexis Trudel, was formed at the Circus School of Quebec in 2009.  They won the Bronze Elephant at the International Circus Festival in Spain.

5. Nico Maffey, a gymnast from Argentina, has a degree in biology from Harvard University.

More after the break

The Disney Channel's Gay Programming Blocks

Like Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel airs its teencoms in programming blocks interspliced with short segments: reviews of Disney movies (always thumbs up!), interviews with Disney Channel stars, exhortations to eat right or lend a "helping hand," and some fictional segments.  But whereas the Nickelodeon segments are hosted by adults, the Disney Channel segments are hosted by teenagers, giving gay kids hunky peers to crush on.


Movie Surfers (1997-) has teenage hosts, one boy and one girl, reviewing children's movies, and sometimes interviewing the stars, touring the sets, and so on.  The current male host is Drew Osborne (left), who is gay or gay-friendly, seeing hanging out at Gay Pride events.  There is a long list of former hosts, including Drake Kemper (a Disney Channel regular), Matt Kubacki, and Andrew Eiden (of Complete Savages).

Disney 365 (2006-) sticks with the Disney Channel, going behind the scenes of its movies and tv series. Its current hosts are Mikie Beattie and Chester See (who sings a song called "Bromance": "Nothing gay about it -- not that there's anything wrong with being gay).

Previous hosts included Jared Hernandez (of One Warm Night), Sterling Suleiman (left, of the gay-themed New Normal), Noah Schnacky, and Kean Eli.

Mike's Super Short Show (2005-2007), Disney's Really Short Report (2007-2009), and Leo Little's Big Show (2009-2011) plugged Disney DVD releases.  They were hosted by "really short" kids, including Mike Johnson, Jacob Hays, and Leo Howard (now #9 on my list of the 10 Unexpected Disney Channel Teen Hunks, and star of gay-subtext Kickin' It).

As the Bell Rings (2007-2009) was a very short teencom, 5 minute sketches about school adventures, mostly heterosexist stuff about who's crushing on who.  The male cast included Collin Cole, Seth Ginsberg, and Tony Oller, star of the teen thriller Beneath the Darkness (2012), who tweeted "I'm NOT GAY, people!  My ass of a friend decided to tweet that!"  A somewhat homophobic reaction.

Cameron Palatas: Avoid this Disney Teen Hunk

Cameron Palatas (left, with David Henrie of Wizards of Waverly Places) has appeared on ICarly, ANT Farm, and The Haunted Hathaways.  He has one of the better physiques in the hunk-heavy Disney and Nickelodeon universe.  So it seemed like a good idea to look up his other projects.

First Day (2011), a tv series that seems to exist only on the IMDB.  I can't find out anything about it.

A Bag of Hammers (2011), about two bromantic partners who adopt a kid after his mother commits suicide.  Lots of gay subtext potential.  Cameron plays the younger version of one of them.

But..uh, oh: Pass the Light (2013), about a 17-year old (Cameron) who runs for Congress to "protect the faith he loves."  Yeah, we all know that federal law in the U.S. prohibits Christians from reading the Bible, praying, or going to church.  Oh, wait -- it doesn't.

And the MTV series Zach Stone is Gonna Be Famous (2013), starring Bo Burnham, an  "edgy" comedian whose jokes ridicule just about everyone, except for that most oppressed of all minorities, white heterosexual men: "We've been through enough."

He has a lot to say about how ridiculous gay people are:

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18, still believes in gay marriage."

The show is about recent high school graduate Zach (Bo), who decides that he wants to be famous, despite lacking any particular talent (a poll showed that 40% of high school senior chose "being famous" as their preferred career path).

So he hires a camera crew to follow him around while he tries to become a celebrity chef, makes a fake sex tape, stars in a dating show called "The Zachelor," and goes missing to see if there is a media circus interviewing his grief-stricken family and friends.

Cameron plays the "normal" younger brother, who "doesn't wear a dress with a camera crew following him around."

His tweets and instagrams feature statements like "that's gay."

At age 18, he was dating 14-year old Ariel Winter (Alex Dunphy of Modern Family), amid allegations of abuse.  The couple has since broken up.

I'd give this one a miss.

The Hottest, Coolest, and Most Homophobic Daytime TV Judges

When I was living in Florida, there were judge shows on nonstop every day from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm: Judge Judy, The People's Court, Divorce Court, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Mathis, Judge Hatchett, Judge Alex, and so on.  In spite of public perception, they are not actual court proceedings; they are binding arbitrations presided over by a former judge.

The cases are taken from small-claims court, so they are mild: a roommate sues over a broken lease; a girlfriend sues over an unpaid loan; a bride and groom sue their wedding photographer for shoddy service.  Still, the voiceovers sensationalize the cases, envisioning vast scenarios of good versus evil, of "tough justice," lex talionis, giving scumbags their just deserts.

Come on, the "scumbag" didn't do anything more heinous than reneging on a contract!

Here are the most homophobic, heterosexist, gay-positive, hottest, and coolest of the daytime tv judges:

1. Most Homophobic:  A tie between Judge Joe Brown and Judge Mathis.  They are constantly appearing shocked and horrified when they get gay litigants (which isn't often) and saying things like "A child needs a mother and a father."

The voiceover introductions don't help: a woman is suing her LESBIAN LOVER!!!! for non-payment of a loan,  or two MALE LOVERS!!!! are suing the contractor who botched their new kitchen.

Most Heterosexist: Oddly, Judge David Young (left) , the only "openly" gay tv judge.  Every male litigant is advised to get a woman, and every female litigant to get a man.  “Are you a woman who has been taken ad-vantage of by a man?” he asks, unaware that a woman might be taken advantage of by a woman. He advises a male litigant who has just graduated from high school to continue his education, because: “There are a lot of cute girls in college who would like you!” The young man has not once mentioned being heterosexual.

Coolest: the acerbic Judge Judy Scheindlin/.  She rarely makes homophobic comments, but her courtroom is infused with heterosexism.  She demands that unmarried litigants "Grow up, stop playing house, and get married!" Thus voraciously equating straight practice with maturity, condemning gay people to perpetual adolescence.

Most gay-positive: Judge Marilyn Milian of The People’s Court.  Like the other judges, she often asks male litigants "Do you have a girlfriend?" and female litigants "Do you have a boyfriend?" without determining their sexual orientation first, but she never goes beyond that kneejerk heterosexism, and she treats her LGBT litigants like anyone else, not as ratings-grabbing scandals.

Hottest: Judge Alex Ferrer (left)

There are also some hot bailiffs, such as Doyle Devereaux, bailiff for Judge Mathis, and Douglas McIntosh (left), bailiff for Judge Marilyn Milian.

And many attractive litigants.  A fun game is to write down their names and home towns and search for them online.  They often have galleries of shirtlless photos on Facebook or Instagram.

Everybody Loves Lil Chris

In the British tv reality series Rock School, Gene Simmons of KISS created a rock band out of the students at an "average high school."  15 year old Chris Hardman, aka Lil Chris, became the standout performer, and quickly got a recording contract. (Don't worry, he's 23 in this photo.)

His debut single "Checkin' it Out" hit #3 on the British pop charts in September 2006.  Four other singles made the charts, and he released two albums.


By 2008, Chris was a sought-after tv personality, with appearances on The Weakest Link, Hider in the House, T4 on the Beach, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, and Hole in the Wall, plus his own talk show, Everybody Loves Little Chris.

In 2012 he starred in the stage musical Loserville, about some nerds who find love.

His lyrics are mostly heterosexist, but as a DJ, he works both gay and straight venues, and in stage performances and his twitter account, he's careful to acknowledge the possible interest of both male and female fans.

Maybe that makes up for it.

Besides, he poses (nearly) nude.