I'm not including songs that were intended to be homophobic, like "My Girl Bill" and "Big Bad Bruce."
1. "It's a Man's World" (James Brown, 1966)
It's a man's world, but you're nothing...nothing at all, without a woman (or a girl).
2. "She Bangs" (Ricky Martin, 2000).
A gay guy singing about how much he likes the way a girl moves, and then a pun on "shebang" and a dirty phrase for s*x. Can't get any more Uncle Tom than that.
3. "Stand Tall" (Burton Cummings, 1976)
December of my junior year: I was home sick, looking for a gay comic book, and thinking "No way am I a f*g!" And I heard on the radio:
Stand tall, don't you fall, don't go and do something foolish
All you're feeling right now is silly human pride.
Right, not gay, don't do anything foolish.
4. "Lady" (Kenny Rogers, 1980).
I was in college, not out because of course no one came out in those days, negotiating the incessant "No homosexual has ever been a great writer" from professors and the "what girl do you like?" chants of my family and friends. And I heard:
Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor, and I love you.
Let me hold you in my arms forever more....
5. "When Doves Cry" (Prince and the Revolution, 1984).
More (gulp!) after the break.
7. "Que Sera, Sera" (Doris Day, 1956)
I heard this for the first and only time when I was a kid, and happened to be walking through the living room while my parents were watching The Man Who Knew Too Much on tv. Doris was singing it in the hotel where the bad guys were keeping her kidnapped son. He hears her and cries for his mommy, and I screamed, traumatized for life. I've run from the room whenever that song starts playing ever since.
Que sera, sera -- what will be, will be.
8. "Give Me a Reason" (Dave Mason, 1975)
I don't recall the first time I heard it, but I called in to the campus radio station and requested it many times while dealing with the loneliness of Augustana College. A young boy asks hia father why we should go on living:
Give me a reason for laughing, give me a reason to cry.
Give me a reason for living, Daddy, won't you give me a reason why?
Daddy can't think of one, so Sonny Boy asks:
"Who is God, and what's on His mind?"
"That's a good question" I reply.
That is a good question.
11. "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" (Life Goes On, 1989. Originally from the Beatles).
I never actually saw the 1989-93 warmedy about a family with a Down Syndrome kid -- a few notes of that horrible theme song on Sunday nights and I was rushing to Fox for Eerie Indiana, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, and Married..with Children.
12. "Fireflies" (Owl City, 2009)
I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance a foxtrot above my head.
Not particularly heterosexist, but come on -- if a bunch of bugs flew into my room, I'd be running for the fly swatter, not asking them for dance lessons and hugs. And the Owl guy isn't even particularly cute.
1. "It's a Man's World" (James Brown, 1966)
It's a man's world, but you're nothing...nothing at all, without a woman (or a girl).
This from a guy who dresses like a 1950s housewife.
2. "She Bangs" (Ricky Martin, 2000).
A gay guy singing about how much he likes the way a girl moves, and then a pun on "shebang" and a dirty phrase for s*x. Can't get any more Uncle Tom than that.
3. "Stand Tall" (Burton Cummings, 1976)
December of my junior year: I was home sick, looking for a gay comic book, and thinking "No way am I a f*g!" And I heard on the radio:
Stand tall, don't you fall, don't go and do something foolish
All you're feeling right now is silly human pride.
Right, not gay, don't do anything foolish.
I was in college, not out because of course no one came out in those days, negotiating the incessant "No homosexual has ever been a great writer" from professors and the "what girl do you like?" chants of my family and friends. And I heard:
Lady, I'm your knight in shining armor, and I love you.
Let me hold you in my arms forever more....
I'm on my way to Hell-fer-Sartain State University in ugh...Texas or the worst year of my life, and this ultra-feminine, super-gay coded guy starts singing about a heterosexual breakup:
How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world so cold?
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold
6. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Judy Garland, 1944).
I've heard the first few words of this monstrosity many times, as I'm rushing to turn off the tv or run from the mall. Once I was visiting my partner's cousins, and their kid started playing it.. I ran upstairs and hid in the bathroom for ten minutes, but when I emerged it was still playing!
How can you just leave me standing, alone in a world so cold?
Maybe I'm just too demanding
Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold
I've heard the first few words of this monstrosity many times, as I'm rushing to turn off the tv or run from the mall. Once I was visiting my partner's cousins, and their kid started playing it.. I ran upstairs and hid in the bathroom for ten minutes, but when I emerged it was still playing!
More (gulp!) after the break.
7. "Que Sera, Sera" (Doris Day, 1956)
I heard this for the first and only time when I was a kid, and happened to be walking through the living room while my parents were watching The Man Who Knew Too Much on tv. Doris was singing it in the hotel where the bad guys were keeping her kidnapped son. He hears her and cries for his mommy, and I screamed, traumatized for life. I've run from the room whenever that song starts playing ever since.
Que sera, sera -- what will be, will be.
I don't recall the first time I heard it, but I called in to the campus radio station and requested it many times while dealing with the loneliness of Augustana College. A young boy asks hia father why we should go on living:
Give me a reason for laughing, give me a reason to cry.
Give me a reason for living, Daddy, won't you give me a reason why?
Daddy can't think of one, so Sonny Boy asks:
"Who is God, and what's on His mind?"
"That's a good question" I reply.
That is a good question.
9. "Suic*de is Painless" (M*A*S*H, 1970. Originally by Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman).
MASH (1973-1983), a "comedy" about doctors stitching up the young men being shot and killed during the Korean War, had an instrumental theme song, but many, many sources revealed the lyrics:
The game of life is hard to play -- I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card someday I'll lay, so this is what I have to say:
Suic*de is painless.
Suic*de is painless.
I never watched -- who wants to see something so depressing? Years later, I learned about the original use of the song, in the 1970 MASH movie: a soldier in the Korean War thinks that he is gay because he can't do it with a woman as often as he'd like, so he decides to off himself. The MASH doctors arrange it for him, with someone singing "Suic*de is Painless." He goes to "heaven," where buxom angels seduce him. Straight after all, he wants to live. Straight or die, how hopeful for a young gay kid.
In high school I wrote:
Death calls for me from pillars of eternity.
Come away with me, for my love is true. Never will I choose another lover.
10. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" (The Breakfast Club, 1985. Originally by Simple Minds.)
Don't you forget about me.
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Don't you forget about me.
These simplistic lyrics are from the theme song to a movie about high schoolers bonding through an all-day detention. It begins with a close up of Judd Nelson's locker with the warning "Keep out, [homophobic slur]!" So only gay people steal things from lockers? Recent broadcasts remove the scene, leaving the movie completely gay-free. Erasure may be better than hatred, but I wouldn't know -- I walked out at the [homophobic slur] and never returned.
These simplistic lyrics are from the theme song to a movie about high schoolers bonding through an all-day detention. It begins with a close up of Judd Nelson's locker with the warning "Keep out, [homophobic slur]!" So only gay people steal things from lockers? Recent broadcasts remove the scene, leaving the movie completely gay-free. Erasure may be better than hatred, but I wouldn't know -- I walked out at the [homophobic slur] and never returned.
11. "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" (Life Goes On, 1989. Originally from the Beatles).
I never actually saw the 1989-93 warmedy about a family with a Down Syndrome kid -- a few notes of that horrible theme song on Sunday nights and I was rushing to Fox for Eerie Indiana, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, and Married..with Children.
I didn't know what the song was about before I started this research: A man and a woman get married, buy a house, and have kids, and this is so infinitely fulfilling that they keep saying "Ob-la-di, ob-la-da" to each other. I guess that's Jamaican for "Heteosexist job, house, wife, kids trajectory"
I'd get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs
As they tried to teach me how to dance a foxtrot above my head.
Not particularly heterosexist, but come on -- if a bunch of bugs flew into my room, I'd be running for the fly swatter, not asking them for dance lessons and hugs. And the Owl guy isn't even particularly cute.
MASH the TV series did try to be slightly more sensitive and inclusive.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather have a breakfast club sandwich than a Breakfast Club soundtrack. But seriously, Don't You Forget about Me also has the annoyance of being associated with Degrassi's other shipper war: Breakfast Club parody, then naming a (bad) web skit after that song. (Answer to all Degrassi shipper wars: Let Marco have fun with him.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, you go with She Bangs and not Livin la Vida Loca? It's more well-known.
Are you f retarded ? None of this is making any sense ... fucking woke cunts.
ReplyDeleteYes, but we prefer the term "intellectually challenged." The intellectually challenged are able to do anything they put their mind to. For example, I managed to get a Ph.D. and publish five books.
Delete