Gemstones Episode 4.8: BJ's hookups, Corey's birthday blade, and Tyler's tree trunk

Link to the n*de dudes

 Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life."  I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake.  Or a gator.

A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony."  He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage. 

Jesse, watching on tv, tells Amber "I f*cking love this."  Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man."   They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."

BJ's Hookups:  Judy wheeling BJ and the Monkey through the park, complaining that they used to do picnics and hookups.  Now they can't do that.  Hookups?  So BJ used to go on Grindr and invite guys over?

BJ wants to show her something: He can get out of the wheelchair and walk a few steps before falling.  Then a few more steps.  "I am healed!" he yells.  The Monkey is not happy.

Cut to Eli is sitting in the dark, looking at photos of him with Lori.  He decides to cut his hair.  Thank God -- he looked horrible with that long, stringy doo.

The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ.   Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches."  So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.

They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured.  He wants to keep it.

Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette.  Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straithjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.  

The Monkey smokes!  Kelvin and Keefe want to get one; it would be a great addition to Game Night.  So they have a Game Night?  Who do they invite, gay couples?

Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to...you know.

The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier.  Hey, that will electrocute her!    He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me."  BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.

She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho).  I'm not sure about the significance.

BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that they should give him to someone who needs his help.

Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody, to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age.   "He was beautiful, and he believed in me."  I fast-forwarded through the scene. F*k the Sadness.

Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, not even at the gym, so I'll F*k the Sadness with a random bear with a similar face and physique (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Ok, we've had the Sad Scene.  Now let's try for some Comedy.

Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!  

Cut to Baby Billy snorting co*caine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine.  Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a v*irgin mother. 

Cut!  No V*irgin Mom in the script!  No ad-libbing.  "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!"  I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.

Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more co*caine.

More after the break. 

Gemstones Episode 4.6, Continued: Cobb smashes, Corey lies, and Kelvin is traumatized for life. With Jace Norman and Mongolian muscle

Link to the n* de dudes

Gator Farm: Close-up of alligators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "Gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, being licked by  his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

A mansion or hot dogs?  Gee, what a difficult choice.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to go out for the evening, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  While they're gone, Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

Time Moves Slowly: The adults at dinner at Oakwood.  Aimee-Leigh suggests that they sing some of their songs in front of an audience, to see their reaction.  Shouldn't you do this before recording?   

She pulls a surprised Lori onto the stage for "Time moves so slowly." Lori and Aimee-Leigh definitely have a lesbian butch-femme couple vibe going on. Lesbian subtext?

Later, while Lori is talking to the band, Eli tells Aimee-Leigh that he visited  Cobb: the marriage is unsalvageable.  They discuss how solid their own marriage is.

Hold My Hand: At home, the kids are singing karaoke.  Kelvin's turn: "Kryptonite," by 3 Doors Down (2000). Corey hugs him for:

If I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

If I'm alive and well, will you be there and holding my hand?

Check out Corey's t-shirt ("I'm n*ked under here!") and crotch-enhancing belt buckle.  He is presenting himself as a s*xual being, with romantic interests that are not addressed elsewhere in the season (as an adult, he displays little or no interest in his wife).

They decide to go out for tacos and chalupas, but Kelvin stays behind.  "You all bore me! I need to take a bubble bath and read for a bit." Hey, Corey was just being very nice to you, and aren't you too young to stay home alone?

Meanwhile, Cobb is drinking and feeding his gators.

The Bible Thief: Cut to Corey, Jesse, and Judy at a Mexican restaurant.  Cobb calls to see if his son is still at the mansion.   "No, we all left to get Mexican food."  When they're done, could he drive to Norton Bridge?  His truck broke down.

Cobb is actually at the back gate of the Gemstones compound.  He puts on a ski mask, climbs over the gate, tromps through a thunderstorm, and breaks through a window to enter the house.  Kelvin, in Judy's room tearing pictures of hot guys from Tiger Beat, hears the noise, thinks that the kids have returned, and runs downstairs.

The Mongolian throat singing in the background is "Wolf Totem," by the metal/folk group The Hu. The lyrics in English translation are heard during the closing credits:

If lions come, we will fight until the end
If you come as snakes, we'll become Garuda birds
If you come as tigers, we'll face you as lions with blue manes

Cobb pees into a booze bottle, steals the Golden Bible and other stuff, and goes through the house, smashing everything he can find.  Kelvin watches from the kitchen, then runs to hide in his bedroom.  But Cobb smashes the stuff there, too and, hearing a noise, raises the bed.  Kelvin screams.  Cobb runs out.

Cut to Corey and company at Norton Bridge, waiting to help Cobb with his "stalled truck," wondering why he's not around. 

Cut to the adults arriving at the mansion.  It has been ransacked, and the kids are gone!  They go through the house, calling their names. Aimee-Leigh pulls Kelvin out from under the bed and hugs him.  The poor boy is traumatized for life. Remember that as an adult, he hates thunderstorms.

Corey Protects His Dad: Cut to police interviewing everyone.  Judy complains that the intruder tore up her "Teen Hunk" magazines, but Jesse points out that he destroyed all their stuff, and angry-kicks.

Aimee-Leigh says that they have no idea who did it, but "a lot of people don't like us." Ok, now I see the point of the parking-lot debacle: to make the Gemstones think that someone besides Cobb trashed their house.  

Corey is sitting at the dining room table by himself, staring into space. Lori asks if he's ok.  He lies and says that Cobb had car trouble, so they gave him a jump.  Won't that story fall apart if they ask Jesse and Amber?  

The Devil's Piss: In the study, Jesse helps himself to a cigar and talks to his Dad about the loss of the Gold-Plated Bible.  He wonders if Eli and Aimee-Leigh or he and Amber will ever get a divorce.  Nope, Eli assures him, true love is forever: "I'll be with Aimee-Leigh until the day I die." Or until the day she dies.

About the baby's name: Instead of Stallone, Eli suggests Gideon.  His story is in the Book of Judges: he had doubts about following God's commands, but eventually he raised an army, and defeated the Midianites.  The people wanted him to become king, but he refused: "There is no king but God."  Jesse likes the name.  

Aimee-Leigh and Lori inspect the trashed recording studio, and suggest that the intruder  "had the Devil in him."

Back in the study, Jesse helps himself to some bourbon.  Eli strangely waits until he takes a sip to note that the intruder pissed in it.  Call back to Keefe's Episode 4.2 monologue about people drinking the Devil's piss.  Now we know who the Devil is -- unless it's a misdirection.

More after the break.

Gemstone Episode 4.5, Continued: Kelvin crashes, the Monkey fumes, and we find out who's bigger, Adam Devine or Joey Stefano

 Link to the n*de dudes

So far in this episode, we've learned that Vance Simkins has destroyed his parents' empire by being a violent, reactionary jerk; Lori's ex-boyfriends keep getting killed; and Kelvin's hubris is off the charts.  

Lori's Edibles: Lori and Eli want to give the siblings "some space," so they move to her house. Wait -- I thought she was living in Pigeon Forge.  If she's been living in Charleston the whole time, why hasn't she visited the Gemstones for years?

Corey meets them at the door: he dropped by to bring dinner, "Kung Pao Dynasty." Also, he left her edibles by the microwave.   Eli doesn't know what edibles are, so Miss Lori explains. Apparently he's ok with drug use now; he wasn't in earlier seasons.

Corey shakes Eli's hand and says "Have fun, you two," but as he walks away, he grimaces.  He's been killing the ex-boyfriends.

Meanwhile, Kelvin in a flamboyant costume is being photographed with the conservatively-dressed nominees for Top Christian Man. And it's time for the Live TV Roundtable.  

The full cast list is not in the episode credits or the IMDB, but I think the conservative minister being hugged by Kelvin is Chad Darnell, who is gay in real life.  He works primarily in casting, but he has 21 screen credits, and a lot of theater work, including the gay-themed Love! Valour! Compassion!, Forced, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

Plus some gay-themed screenplays and two novels.

He's got a biopic coming out of of gay model and adult video star Joey Stefano (1968-1994), one of the icons of my years in West Hollywood.

By the way, Sean Ryan Fox will finally appear as Young Corey in Episode 4.6 .

No, I am not stalling.

How about a nice beefcake shot of Adam Devine?

Back to the roundtable discussion, led by Stevie from Eastbound and Down.  First question:"Should children be taught a comprehensive overview of all major religions in school?" 

Kelvin jumps in, but doesn't answer the question.  Instead, he blathers about "I teach my followers everything good about Jesus.  The Bible can be confusing, so we translate it for modern, cutting-edge times." You're not qualified to be a Bible translator.  How about explaining passages in their historical/cultural context?  

Vance complains about "a homosexual" being nominated for the award.  "God's Word is clear on this issue."  Uh-oh, how are you on the Clobber Verses, Kelvin?

He's not good on the Clobber Verses.  "Um...um..lots of parts of the Bible are outdated." No, they don't refer to contemporary gay people at all!  Get with your queer theology.

When I was just coming out, I jointed the gay-specific Metropolitan Community Church.  Most members were recovering from Evangelical trauma, so every sermon -- every sermon -- was about how being gay is not a sin or a defect.  Sometimes there was detailed exegesis of specific Clobber Verses (there are only five of them), sometimes just "God loves you."  

More after the break