The 18 biggest, hottest, or most surprising d*cks of the musclemen and bodybuilders from Arnold to Slab, with bonus Brian

Link to the n*de photos

I've dated/hooked up with a few musclemen, and seen lots more at the gym, at my old job as an editorial assistant (actually gopher) at Muscle and Fitness, and in various backrooms, darkrooms, saunas, and bear parties.  To be honest, their pecs are usually more impressive than their packages.  It's as if the universe allows you to be massive in one place or another, but not both.  But there are exceptions, and besides, what's wrong with having a small one?  It gets the job done just as effectively as a big one.

Here are 18 bodybuilder/musclemen whose d*cks are extraordinary due to their size, the guy's hotness, or the surprise of seeing it on screen or in a video.  

1.`. Arnold Schwarzeneggar.    Everything starts with Arnold, who moved bodybuilding from a  subculture into the mainstream and opened the way for dozens of man-mountains to grunt and flex as they saved the world (or just America).  I saw several n*de photos in a friend's apartment in the 1980s, but 40 years later I can only find one online.

2. Peter Berlin (top photo).  You could argue that That Boy almost single-handedly changed depictions of gay stuff from sordid, furtive and guilt-ridden to bright and joyful.  

3. Angel Mock Curiel: After playing L'il Papi on Pose, the gay and trans ally vanished into civilian life.  But not before he posted some n*de photos.

4. Nate Stone (left).  I had to research a dozen Nate Stones before finding the former Bunk'd hunk, having a friend photograph him in his parents' house.  Points for the obscurity and the chutzpah.

5. Bridger Buckley.  I'm not sure that the Hot Pizza Guy from The Neighborhood really belongs to the anonymous donkey-stuff, but how could I not post it? 

6. Tony Cavalero has bulked up considerably since his days as Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, but he hasn't posted any new shots, so all we have is the isolation tank d*ck in Episode 1.9.

7. Brock O'Hurn.  Torsten from The Righteous Gemstones, Zeus, Hulk Hogan, Super Hot Warrior Man who displayed his massive salami on Euphoria.  Are you tired of seeing it by now?  

I didn't think so. 

8. Bill Cable.  The guy posed in Drummer and Playgirl, dated both Pee-Wee Herman and Elvira, Mistress of the Night, buddied with Christian Brando, and appeared in Basic Instinct with Michael Douglas.  Actually, name anyone famous in the 1980s, and he was there.

9. Sylvester Stallone.  In the 1990s, it was shocking to discover that the grunting, scowling Rocky and Rambo made an adult movie in his early days.  It was also shocking to see his backside in Tango and Cash (1989).

More after the break

10. Leon Mallett: The East Anglia Boy went all the way in an adult, which for some reason fans didn't like. 

11. Steve Bond.  If all you knew of Steve Bond was the skinny kid in Tarzan and the Jungle Boy (1968), e, and you picked up a Playgirl magazine in 1975 to find him all grown up, you'd be shocked, too.

12. Blair Jackson, from the "Wicked Lips" episode of The Righteous Gemstones, offers us every potential d*ck shots, from the huge to the not-so-huge.

13. Dan Cudmore.  The guy has been all over Marvel and DC tv series, playing man-mountain gods and villains and showing his stuff.

14. Derek Yates.  The Smiley-Face Emoji Guy from How I Met Your Father has many n*de photos online.  He may be more famous for his d*ck than for his acting.

15. Ryan Potter.  The bi Supah Ninja and Beast Boy only gives us a faceless video, but he's Asian, and he's got a big one, so who's complaining?

16. Marcus Adair:  You saw him for about 30 seconds on The Righteous Gemstones, playing one of the mercenaries hired to take out the Cycle Ninjas who kept attacking the family.  Fortunately, he offered us a closer look.

17. Pete Hinwood.  A deltoid and a bicep, a hot groin and a tricep, makes me shake.  Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...hand. 

18. Kurt Ostland: Slab from the Disney Channel's Mr. Young has grown up, bulked up, and shown us some j/o photos.

Honorable mention: Brian Cage, left, one of the demi-god wrestlers of Disclosure Day.  I just posted a profile of him and his fellow demi-god, Lance Hoyt, two days ago, so I'm not sure if there will be enough pageviews to keep him or not.

Jonathan Lipnicki: The most surprising skinny kid to muscleman transformation of the 2000s. And he's an ally. With Jon's backside and Boo-Boo's front

Link to the n*de dudes

Born in October 1990, Jonathan Lipnicki became a famous actor at the age of five, playing Tom Cruise's son in Jerry Maguire (1996); comedian Jeff Foxworthy's son on his show (1996-97); and the charge of wacky alien-nanny Bronson Pinchot in Meego (1997). 

Then came four box office-topping movies:

Stuart Little (1999) and Stuart Little 2 (2002): His new brother is a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox.

The Little Vampire (2000): He has a gay-subtext buddy bond with a vampire, which becomes even more blatant in the animated remake, The Little Vampire 3D (2017).

Like Mike (2002): His buddy finds a pair of magic sneakers that allow him to become a basketball superstar.

Between 1996 and 2002, Jonathan was a superstar.  He appeared on every talk show you could name -- Leno, Letterman, Rosie O'Donnell, Sharon Osbourne. He presented at the American Comedy, Kids' Choice, and British Comedy Awards. He won a Critics' Choice Award.  The media went crazy when he appeared at the Spiderman premiere with Daryl Sabara, the second most famous child star of the 2000s.

Then he started fading away, with movies like When Zachary Beaver Came to Town (2003) and The Teacher from the Black Lagoon (2003), and occasional guest spots.  You could see him on Dawson's Creek, Touched by an Angel, and Monk, but you probably didn't.

It wasn't due to lack of talent. Jonathan was being bullied, branded a "has-been," told "you'll never book a job again,"  harassed with homophobic slurs, attacked for "being gay" (although he's actually straight), "made to feel like garbage every day" through middle school and high school.  He was suffering from anxiety, depression, and nearly daily panic attacks.  His battle with depression is ongoing, but his Jewish faith helps.  And working out. 

Around 2008, a rash of "Where is he now?" articles appeared, with detailed attention paid to Jonathan's increasingly buffed physique.  He was playing water polo and basketball, training in mixed martial arts, and lifting weights.

If you last saw him as a cute kid holding hands with a vampire, the change was astounding.

Becoming a muscleman didn't exactly restore Jonathan to superstardom, but he was very busy, starring in Youthful Daze (2014-15) and Interns of FIELD (2016), Mr. Student Body President (2017-18), and Joe Schmo (2025); plus many movies and shorts.

He shows his backside in a movie with a title that got the censores upset (2017).  A high school senior has to decide whether to go to work in the factory or study art. Also, he and his buds kiss girls.  I think Jonathan plays one of the friends.  Booboo Stewart (n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) plays another.

More after the break

"The Consultant": Tawdry, Tasteless Homophobia at a Modern Gaming Company

 Amazon Prime has been pushing The Consultant, an adaption of a novel about a consultant who turns out to be the Devil.  I knew that bosses are all evil, but not that evil.... So I watched the first episode.

Scene 1: Six kids from Glendale Middle School are taking a tour of one of those gaming companies where employees sit on stools and play foosball.  Guide Elaine stops to flirt with Craig (Nat Wolff, left), one of the coders,  then gives them the back story: Mega-Rich Dude Sang (Brian Yoon, below) coded his first game at age 13, and now has over 100, including all of the super-popular favorites.  He's worth uncountrable billions of dollars.  She ushers them into his office, then stops by to flirt with the coder again.  They discuss how much they hate Sang. 

Suddenly gunshots ring out!  The employees, looking bored, duck under their desks -- this is America, there are .  Guide Elaine and Coder Craig der rush into Sang's office.  One of the kids, Tokyo (Henry Rhoades) shot him!  "I want my Mommy," he says. 

Scene 2: Late at night, Coder Craig lies awake next to his sleeping girlfriend or wife, horrified by the tragedy.  He tries playing a video game about killing people, but that doesn't help, so he reads a news story about the murder: "The Devil made him do it," then goes for a run. Through Los Angeles at 2:00 am?  Is he crazy?  

Scene 3: He jogs through the deserted streets to the office to get some weed (he keeps marijuana at the office, but not at home?).  It's deserted except for Elaine, who is removing video cameras from the smoke detectors.  She explains that Mega-Rich Sang was paranoid, and had them installed everywhere. They discuss the jobs they are going to get, now that Sang's company has closed.

Plot dump: Craig's girlfriend/wife is a fundamentalist, and thinks he should repent of his sins.  He wonders: If the Devil really did make the kid kill the boss, are the company employees evil, too?  Wait -- the Devil would want a good person killed, so his employees would be the good guys, right?  

Coworker Elaine shuts him down: millions of people play video games, and don't shoot anyone. There's no evidence that pretend violence causes real-life violence.

They hear a noise, and rush to the foyer: Regus (Christoph Waltz), a white haired man in an overcoat, carrying a briefcase, is just standing there, staring into space like a ghost.  He's here to see Mega-Rich Sang.  At 2:00 am?  Then he corrects himself: "Oh, right, he's dead.  He killed those kids, then turned the gun on himself."  

They explain what really happened.  "Oh, right, that was the version I told myself." Creepy, dude. 

Apparently before he died, Mega-Rich Sang hired Regus as a consultant "on all matters of business."   He also ordered this beautiful engraved Bible for you.

Unusual trait: Regus can walk ok, but he can't climb stairs.

He barges into Sang's office, shows them his contract, and calls a staff meeting for 9:00 am.  They protest, but the contract checks out.

Scene 4: Coder Craig in bed (muscle shirt), being sniffed by his fundamentalist wife.  She criticizes him for smoking weed. After a kiss, he rushes off to the office to join the grumbling employees.  I guess the kid killing Sang plotline has been dropped. 

Regus starts making crazy CEO demands, like no more working from home.  

He sniffs everyone, and forces Iain (Michael Charles Vaccaro), a guy that he thinks smells bad,  to strip and wash right in his office (chest and butt shots).   

He knows nothing about video games (except that they brainwash kids into becoming murderers, which Elaine disagrees with).  

He is usuing an assumed name: Patoff comes from "Patent office." 

They check the security cam footage of Regus's appointment with Sang. No sound, but after 14 minutes, Sang signs the contract. Then he kneels and does gay stuff with Regus.  

"Was Sang...." Coder Craig asks, another annoying example of refusing to say the word.

"No, he was asexual."  The end.

Beefcake: N*ked chubby guy while he's being humiliated.  There's a full-sized, n*de, well-hung statue of Sang later on.

Heterosexism: Craig and his fundamentalist wife, but they don't do much.

Gay Characters: Probably not, but gay s*x signifies humiliation, degradation, and evil, which, combined with the refusal to use the G-word, becomes way homophobic.  Not to mention the use of the slur  "c*cksucker."

Violent Video Games Cause Violence:  Disproven over and over. There's no evidence that violent mass media consumption impacts real-life violence.

My Grade: F.

See also: "The N*ked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' c*cks, backsides, and gay-vague characters.

The Chair Company, Episode 1.3: A chair conspiracy, a queer kid, a ginger chub, weirdness for its own sake, and men in suits with d*cks

Brian Cage and Lance Hoyt, the "Disclosure Day" demi-gods: Which has n*de photos? Which is gay? WIth Riddle rising and Oberst pretending

 

 Link to the n*de photos

Disclosure Day (2026), about aliens finally announcing their presence to the world (after hanging around since the Roswell Crash of 1947), offers beefcake only in the first scene.  Danny (Josh O'Connor) stole tapes demonstrating the aliens' presence, and Boss Hogg of the Evil Corporation kidnapped his girlfriend to get them back.  They want to make the trade at a wrestling match.  

I haven't posted a profile of a muscleman for a long time, so I thought I would research the wrestlers, Brian Cage (blue) and Lance Hoyt (red).

Brian Cage, civilian name Brian Button, works for Lucha Underground and Impact Wrestling. Sometimes he performs as Mortis as an homage to his friend Chris Kanyon, who created the character.  As a bodybuilder, he won the 2026 Mr. Nevada competition.

 Other than wrestling shows, he has appeared in:

A fan film, The Fall of Greyskull  (2015), playing He-Man.

The Bloody Man (2020), about a boy who accidentally summons a monster.  Brian plays "Barbarian Man."

And Kill City Cup (2023): A sort of cage-fighting Hunger Games.  He plays a wrestler. 

Brian's Instagram consists almost entirely of selfies, photos from his wrestling and bodybuilding performances, and ladies with big breasts. I got the distinct impression that he is straight.   

Yep, the pro wrestling website tells us that he is married to Melissa Santos, a ring announcer and television personality who works with him in the Lucha Underground.

But at least we have a n*de photo.  Or two.  Or three (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

More after the break