Pizza Movie: A surreal update of the teen nerd genre, with no heterosexism or homophobia, lots of backsides, and Daniel Radcliffe as a butterfly

  

Link to the n*de dudes

Pizza Movie (2026), on Hulu, stars Sean Giambrone of The Goldbergs and Gaten Matarazzo of Stranger Things as college boys who accidentally get stoned on a weird drug.  I haven't seen a teen nerd movie for awhile; I wonder if they're still about the nerd winning the Girl of His Dreams with the help of his flamboyantly feminine best friend, while everyone throws homophobic slurs about.  It appears on a list of "The Top LGBTQ Movies to Watch This Spring," so maybe not. 

Scene 1: Room check in a college dorm.  A student stashes her drugs in a tin in the ceiling tiles. 

 Ten years later,  Montgomery (Sean) is frantically running across campus with a laundry basket.  He reaches the laundromat just in time to take all the quarters in the change machine.  When the Girl of His Dreams (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) arrives, he's  reading a book on How to Lower Your Testosterone, so he can impress her with his studliness when she asks for quarters.  Or you could just say hello.

"We're always here at the same time," she notes.  

"Well, nobody has dirtier underwear than me.  But not from poop...or pee, or c*m.  I'm not weird."  I'm just wondering what else could soil your underwear.

Scene 2: Montage of two guys chugging beer (outside, in the daytime); a girl thinking that a guy is sketchng her, but he's actuallly sketchng himself; and Jack (Gaten) being chased and bullied because he ruined the football team.  He tries to apologize, but they tape him to the clock tower and pelt him with water balloons full of pee (his suggestion).

Scene 3: The guys return to their dorm. Montgomery wants to "drown their sorrows" in a good night's sleep, while Jack wants to get drunk.  They're a superego/id  pair, got it.  I'm going to keep calling them Sean and Gaten, to make identification easier.

The housing requests for next year are due tonight.  They can choose from Orrick Tower, Stonewell Courts, or..ugh...the scary, crumbling Gralk Hall. 

Suddenly Sean is distracted by the Girl of His Dreams. "Just ask her out!" Gaten exclaims, no doubt for the 300th time.

"No way!  Hot girls only date Alpha guys, so I can't ask her out until I trick her into thinking that I'm an ALpha."  I'll bet she really likes the quiet, shy geeky types.

"But you don't know her.  How do you know that you have compatible interests?"

"Who cares?  She makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender, being sung to by lollipop pixies."   Ugh.

Up to their room.  No posters of nekkid ladies.  They're just getting ready to drink, when  six bullies burst in, three girls and three guys, including Kevin Matthew Reyes (left).   "What's up, dildos?", the leader, Logan, announces.  A creative slur.  Not homophobic, which is a good sign.  

They come in every week to hold the guys down and fart in their faces in retaliation for the football incident.  In the struggle the drug tin from the ceiling falls down.

While sitting on the guys' faces waiting to fart, they discuss the "pajama party tonight."  They have beer and weed, and Lizzy (Lulu Wilson) is bringing Wizard's Oath, a Dungeon's and Dragons-style board game.  The others dismiss this idea.

As they leave, Lizzy looks back, sympathetic. 

 

I like the way that the guys have no problem with physical contact, even with Gaten's face two inches from Sean's privates, a welcome relief from the usual: "We accidentally touched hands!!!!  I'm going to be sick!!!!!"

Scene 4: The guys discuss how they are failures at college.  They should be popular, going to keggers and pajama parties, but everybody hates them.  Sean tries to make things better by ordering a pizza.  

Suddenly Gaten sees the tin that fell from the ceiling: it says "Mints," with a green, toothy smile.  Inside, tablets with a starburst image.  An internet search gets one hit, a youtube video with a "psychedelic adventurer" tell us about Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants (MINTS, get it?).  Sean is hesitant, but then she uses his "cloud of lavender" fantasy, and he's in.

Scene 5: The evil Head RA (Jack Martin) tells his subordinates about the "debauchery" infesting their school.  Is this RAs for the whole campus?  There are like 30 of them, all wearing black berets.

Meanwhile, in the dorm room, the bullies discuss how much the guys blow. Hey, the men and women aren't sitting together.  They are not romantic partners.  Sympathetic Lizzy tries to defend them, and is un-invited to the pajama party-- until she offers to provide a party bus. Then she rules.

There are too many plot twists to continue the scene by scene.  Here's the gist:

Turns out that Lizzy used to be the guys' friend.  They played Wizard's Oath every day at lunch.   Then she joined the cool kids and dropped them.  But she took the drug, thinking that it was a mint, now they're in it together.

Everyone hates Gaten because as team mascot, he was leading the football team on their traditional naked run, and decided to prank a professor that he hated.  They chased the guy out of the stadium and onto the street. past the police department on a "bring your daughter to work day."  They all had to register as s*x offenders. Wait -- why didn't the guys just stop at the stadium exit?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin screams, Corey lies, and Cobb get his cobb bit off. With Jace Norman and Mongolian dudes

 

Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "Interlude IV."  The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone, so it's Episode 6.  We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.

The New Parking Lot: 2002.  Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses.   He claims that it will  bring thousands of people to town, who will spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation.  Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs.  The townsfolk growl and complain.  So am I.  Zoning restrictions?  How boring can you get? 

 The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!"   She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"  

The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.

Eli: "For the lake house."  That is, for the money. Um...serving God?  Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?

They walk out into a huge demonstration.  Someone shoves pies in their faces.

Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot.  In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.

Corey Defends Daddy: At the lake house, Lori's husband Cobb (Michael Rooker) is trying to water-ski, but Eli drives too fast, and he capsizes. His manhood challenged, he splutters and swears. 

Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at Cobb, which upsets his son, Young Corey.

Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, doing bedroon stuff."  This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant.  The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.

A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap.  She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.

Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years, so it will be nostalgic.

Cut to the studio, where they are making up song lyrics while Judy listens.  Kelvin eavesdrops from outside the door.  Notice that his t-shirt says The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius,  reflecting his belief that he is a "boy genius."  The tv show premiered on July 20, 2002, so this must be a few months later, maybe in September 2002.

Kelvin Sneaks Teen Idols:  Seeing that Judy is occupied, Kelvin sneaks into her room, says "Hello" to a photo of Hayden Christiansen (Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, which premiered in May 2002),, and retrieves a box from under the bed.  He draws out a Tiger Beat magazine with Ricky Martin (below) on the cover. "Wow!" Kelvin is afraid to let anyone know about his interest in teen idols, although he had no problem with a muscle magazine cover taped to his bedroom wall in 1993. 

He exclaims "Oh, my God!" at photos of Ryan Gosling, Brendan Fraser, Hayden Christiansen, and Josh Hartnet, and then stops at the Gossip Page.  This is important, as an interest in gossip makes Kelvin a real-life jerk.

Next  he finds Judy's diary, with an entry on a crush on her economics professor, Dr. Carmichael (in Season 1, she admits to assaulting him, then kidnapping his son).

Suddenly Judy is in the room!  She chases Kelvin out of the house and to his treehouse (much closer than it was in an earlier episode).  He pulls up the ladder -- safe! -- gives her the finger as she storms off, frustrated. You're in the wrong, Kelv Baby -- that's your sister's property.

Recording:  Aimee-Leigh and Lori recording the song that Lori will sing at the telethon in 2024:

I feel so lonely, all on my own/ Running from the darkness, since you've been gone.

They take a break, and Lori reveals that things with her husband Cobb are bad.  The marriage is over.  

Cobb's Pecker:  At dinner, Corey is telling about the time a gator took a piece of his Dad's pecker off, and all he said was "Boy, go get me a napkin."  Lori claims that it was an improvement, because it doesn't work anymore.  In earlier seasons, there were frequent symbolic castrations.  This is the first for Season 4.

Husband Cobb arrives, drunk, and orders Lori to come home.  She points out that she's busy working on an album, but he doesn't care.  He tries to pull her into the truck, but Eli intervenes and punches him. 

"Ok, then, don't come home ever!"

Corey says he's going to drive his dad home, but he'll right back.  Wait -- if the Milsaps live close by, why haven't they been visiting all along?

That night, Jesse, Amber, and Judy overhear their parents discussing what they are going to do about Lori and Cobb. Jesse (J. Gaven Wilde) in his underwear displays an impressive dong. 

A day or two later, Eli arrives at the Milsap Gator Farm to ask how he can help.  Cobb: "Your wife is making it easy for her to act like me and her's life together don't even exist."  He notes that he's rich, but not into fancy things, and Lori likes fancy.

"Would you like to pray?"  

"No, I'd rather jump into the water with them gators. I don't ever want to see your face again."

Another song: Lori and Aimee-Leigh recording: 

I was lost in a dream, floating away.
 I'm lucky to sing with you.  
When we're older, I guess, we'll say
These were the best of times in our lives. 

The best times of my life were in West Hollywood:  Saturday night Mama's Family, Golden Girls, cruising at Mugi, then, if I didn't meet anyone, stopping at the all night comic book store; the gym that was half gay men, half B-list celebrities; Sunday service at the Metropolitan Community Church on Fairfax; the beer bust at the Fault Line, then tangerine chicken; buying every new gay book that came out at the Different Light; Hamburger Habit, the Greenery, Mickey's, the Unicorn....

Isn't that what The Righteous Gemstones is about?  How our lives today are affected by the memories of the past?

Cobb's Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "Gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, in bed with his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

Mansion or hot dogs?  Gee, what a difficult decision.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Sad Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to go out for the evening, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

More after the break. 

The Testament of Ann Lee: The origin of the Shakers, with a female Christ, energetic dancing, gay guys, and a lot of n*de men

Link to the n*de men

In high school I read Escape to Utopia by Everett Webber, about Icaria, New Harmony, and the many other attempts to create a perfect society that sprang up in 19th century America. They were usually founded by a reincarnated Jesus Christ, or God himself (or herself).  Most were communal, s*xually adventurous, and, at least according to Webber, wacky.

The Koreshans believed that "we live inside," on the concave surface of the cosmic egg, even after the Messiah Cyrus Teed failed to come back to life three days after his passing.

Thomas Lake Harris and the Brotherhood of the New Life worshipped Lady Pink Ears, queen of the rabbit fairies.

The Shakers practiced a radical separation of the men and women (they could never touch each other) and regulated everything (climb out of bed on the left side, with your right foot hitting the floor first).  Their energetic dance-worship drew the attention of many ghosts, iincluding Founding Fathers George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, who chatted with them and recited poetry.

Could we go back to the "never touch a woman" rule?  

I read more about the Shakers later, and visited one of the restored Shaker Villages, Sabbathday Lake in Maine.  And last night I saw The Testament of Ann Lee (2025), a sort of musical biopic about the founder of the Shakers.

Yes, it has gay interest.

Ann Lee was born in Manchester, England in 1735, and went to work in the cotton factory when she was five years old.  She had seven siblings, but she was only close to her younger brother William, who followed her everywhere.

She longed to be close to God, but didn't know how.  The rituals in the Anglican Church were meaningless.  Women were not permitted to learn to read, so she couldn't consult the Bible.  All she knew was that a barrier of some sort kept her broken, unable to experience Divine Love.

One night Ann saw her father (Willem van der Vegt) engaging in marital relations with her mother.Points for showing all of Dad's body and none of the wife's..   

 It was a sordid, bestial act; she imagined the Serpent tempting Adam in the Garden of Eden.  The next morning, when Ann called him out on his sin, he beat her.  

Years passed, and  the young adult Ann took a job as a cook in an infirmary, where she was overwhelmed by human suffering.  But she also heard about the Shaking Quakers or Shakers, a radical group that believed that God was male and female, so men and women had equal access to the Divine. 

One night she and her brother William attended a meeting.  The Shakers trembled uncontrollably as they confessed their sins to the group, and then as they were overwhelmed by the joy of God's forgiveness.  They also performed energetic, intricately-choreographed dances.  I imagine that these were not historically accurate, but they are worth the admission price.

Ann and William had found a home.

  

 She married a fellow Shaker, the blacksmith Abraham (Christopher Abbott, top photo), but was disgusted when he insisted on performing the same sordid, bestial act that she saw her father performing years ago.  

One of his apprentices loaned him a book about b*ndage and s*x games.  Maybe adding pain to the act would make it a sort of penance and ease her disgust?  But she didn't enjoy the n*de spanking.  

Ann bore four children, but they all passed away in infancy.  This proved that the act could never be holy.  

More after the break

One beefcake photo of Michael J. Fox and nine of other guys

Other than "that character can't be gay! He said hello to a girl in Scene 12!", the most common complaint I get is "that photo isn't of the obscure actor you're writing about!"

I don't understand the problem. Beefcake is beefcake.  Why is it essential that a review or profile  be illustrated by pictures of the exact guy?  Especially if it's his c*ck, so you have practically no chance of seeing it in real life.  Or if the guy is so obscure that not one person in a hundred will be able to tell the difference.   

It's not intentional.  It's just that it's hard to recognize an actor after seeing him in just one movie or one episode of a tv show.  There are usually a hundred other people with similar features.  Plus he might look completely different over time.  And searches on Google Images are famously inaccurate.

For instance, take Michael J. Fox, the famous star of Family Ties, Back to the Future, Teen Wolf, Spin City, and so on, the first celebrity I met  when I moved to West  Hollywood.  I'm going to pretend that I I've only seen him in Back to the Future, and google "Michael J. Fox" and "n*de." Here's who pops up:

1. Robbie Benson, a teen idol of the 1980s. I had the same poster hanging on my bedroom wall. 

2. Charlie Sheen in Full Metal Jacket. 

Correction: a reader informs me that this is his father, Martin Sheen, in Apocalypse Now.  

How the heck am I supposed to know that Charlie Sheen's dad was also an actor, looked exactly like him, and also appeared in a war movie?  I don't even watch war movies.

3. No idea.  Google AI says that this is Charlie Sheen and Chad Lowe promoting Silence of the Heart (1984).  I don't think so.

4. I think he was in one of those Friday-night TGIF sitcoms, Full House or Raising Dad or something.  Maybe it appeared close to Michael's Family Ties sereis?

More after the break