Link to the n*de dudes
Scene 1: A party in Rome, with muscular guys gyrating. A young lady, probably Chiara, goes to the kitchen, grabs a tray of flaming drinks, and offers one to a sleazy guy sitting on a throne surrounded by ladies. She clicks a cell phone. He reads his text: "Buy now!" So it's spam?
He returns to his hotel room and checks out the investments on his computer, with Chiara on the balcony, hacked in. He hears someone out there, and looks around. Dude, she's standing right next to you. But he gets a text from one of his girlfriends, and leaves.
Chiara goes downstairs, gets on her scooter, and drives off.
Cut to the Place Vendôme in Paris. A heavilly disguised guy, probably Jay (Victor Belmondo), enters a hotel, sets a timer, and heads up to the Presidential Suite. He breaks in, grabs some jewelry and stuff from the dressing room, but security is at the door! He breaks through the wall, heads downstairs, and drives off.
Scene 2: Chiara in her elegant bedroom, eating an elegant breakfast and texting, Jay in his dumpy apartment, eating junk food and texting. They get job offers simultaneously: a private residence break-in, paying 25,000 euros.
Cut to Lake Como, in the Italian Alps, on the Swiss border. They both show up for the break-in job, and exchange flirty banter.
Jay works with explosives: "A little boom, sixty seconds in and out. What do you say?"
Chiara: "Isn't that your Tinder profile?"
Jay: "No, it's just Jay from Paris." Hetero identity established at Minute 5.
They continue to flirt as he tries to cut the power. She bets him that it won't work; it doesn't, so he has to remove some clothes. That's your brother, girl.
On into the house, and the safe with the stuff they're supposed to steal. But it's empty.
"You passed the test," an English voice says. "Bravo. And bare-chested. Interesting."
"What do you care?" Jay asks angrily. Hey, don't be homophobic. Accept the femme gay guy's interest as a complement.
Scene 3: The femme guy is Roger, played by Stanley Tucci, a super-femme dude who you'll instantly tag as gay. He's actually straight, but he's capitalized on his "obviously gay" presentation by playing a string of gay characters, so maybe Roger....
Rog tells them that Chiara is the best hacking thief in the world, and Jay is the best explosives thief. If he's so great, why does he live in a dump? But he wanted to see if they could work together.
They can, in spite of the constant flirting, so he wants to hire them for "the job of a lifetime," that will make them both billionaires.
Oh, by the way, he also wanted to hire them because he's their father. He stole their toothbrushes and got DNA samples. Here are the test results.
Cut to Jay calling his mother. "So...um...did you hook up with an extremely feminine straight guy played by Stanley Tucci?"
"Oh, right, we met in Mumbai in 1995, and hooked up, but I lost his number, so I couldn't tell him when I got pregnant. I didn't want to tell you, so I made up a story about a dead Greek sailor."
Scene 4: Back in the parlor, Chiara is furious. She was abandoned at birth, and raised by horribly abusive foster parents, so if he's her Dad, he's got some explaining to do.
Roger explains that he was stealing something on the island of Capri, and he met the private detective hired to track the person who stole a valuable Picasso. It wasn't him, so they hooked up, and didn't see each other again.
Left: This review was a little beefcake-light, so I included a random French guy.
Scene 4: So, what's the job? Stealing the Mona Lisa, the most famous painting in the world. Don't bother looking for it in the Louvre -- it's disappointingly small, and impossible to see from behind the scores of selfie-taking tourists. And if you do -- it looks like the 300,000 reproductions you'll see over your lifetime.
He shows them a map of a forgotten tunnel leading from the Louvre 300 m across the Seine to the basement of Academie Francaise.
He asks them to spend the night, and decide in the morning.
Scene 5: Chiara in her room, on her laptop, making sure that the DNA test isn't a fake. Then she stops by Jay's room to tell him that everything checks out, and "I wasn't checking out your butt." "Yes, you were." Since you now know that you're siblings, maybe cut down on the flirting? A brother and sister really shouldn't have a "will they or won't they?" plotline.
Cut to the crowds milling around the Mona Lisa. The Louvre has other exhibits, you know.
After complaints and "It's impossible," they agree, and he explains the plan. "Let's do this...as a family!" Are they really the best in the world, or did you hire them to connect with your kids?
More after the break
