5 Heterosexist and 5 Gay-Inclusive Christmas Specials

Have you ever noticed that most Christmas specials are annoyingly heterosexist? Here are the worst examples:

1. Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962): Why is Magoo/Scrooge so miserable?  He was so obsessed with money that he lost Belle, the girl of his dreams.  So he atones by helping a heterosexual nuclear family, Bob Cratchett, wife, daughter, and three sons.

2. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964):  Ok, it's about accepting difference.  The "misfit toys" are all adopted out, Rudolph uses his glowing red nose to save the day, and Hermey the Elf gets to become a dentist. But Rudolph gets a girlfriend, Clarice ("She thinks I'm cute!") and Hermey dances with a female elf at a party.

In the closing "Holly Jolly Christmas," Burl Ives sings that there's a girl waiting for you (a boy) under the mistletoe: "kiss her once for me."  When a woman sings that song, it becomes "kiss him once for me."

3. Frosty the Snowman (1969): only a subtle a hetero-romantic subtext about a little girl in love with the snowman, but the sequel, Frosty's Winter Wonderland (1976) is all about the snowman finding a wife.

4. Santa Claus is Comin' to Town (1970): a heterosexual love story between the young-adult Santa Claus (then known as Kris Kringle) and the future Mrs. Claus (a teacher named Jessica).  At least Kris (voiced by former teen idol Mickey Rooney) is a cute redhead.

5. The Year without a Santa Claus (1974). Mr.s Claus saves the day.  And heterosexual monogamy.

But not to worry, there are a few inclusive ones.  Here are the best:

1. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965): a reference to the Little Red-Haired Girl and Lucy's obsession with Schroeder, but otherwise about nurturing and friendship.

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): the Grinch is a green-furred outsider who dislikes Christmas, so he and his dog Max set out to ruin the holiday for the residents of Whoville by stealing all of their stuff.  When he discovers that the townsfolk are happy together even without stuff, he relents, returns everything, and joins in the celebration.

No same-sex plotlines, but at least there's no hetero-romance, and few if any heterosexual nuclear families.

3. Olive the Other Reindeer (1999): a dog (Drew Barrymore), a penguin (Joe Pantoleono), and a flea (Peter MacNichol) save Christmas, and no one falls in love with anyone.

4. Billy and Mandy Save Christmas (2005): the cast of The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy discover that Santa Claus has been transformed into a vampire. While looking for a cure, the Grim Reaper develops a homoromantic bond with a flamboyantly feminine, gay-coded vampire named Baron Von Ghoulish (voiced by gay actor Malcolm McDowell).  They even sing about how much they like each other.

5. Prep & Landing (2009).  Two high-tech Elves buddy-bond while saving Christmas.

Rescue Hi-Surf: Lifeguards rescue surfers, have soap opera problems, and one of them is big. But where are the Speedos?

  

 

   Link to the n*de photos

The purpose of lifeguard shows is to watch pecs, biceps, and Speedos.  There may be some plotlines involving the nearing-retirement guy with the dead son, the Ivy League dropout whose dad wants him to become a lawyer, and the reformed druggie trying to build a new life for himself, but they will be cliched and predictable; you watch to see guys bouncing around in Speedos. 

Sometimes the bikini babes overwhelm the screen, making the show unwatchable, but I have high hopes for Rescue Hi-Surf (2024-5), on Hulu, because showrunner Matt Kester also gave us Animal Kingdom, with muscular men strutting about in Speedos amid fully clothed women.  

Oh, and maybe there will be some rescues, too.

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the ocean off Oahu, and a pipeline: three story waves breaking over a volcanic reef.  Hunky son, played by Kameron Dowis, is going to surf in that stuff while Mom and Dad check out of the airbnb.  

Cut to the beach, where a lot of people are watching about 20 surfers. 

Cut to lifeguard station, with three lifeguards, the woman in a bikini, the men wearing t-shirts and shorts -- no speedos, darn. 

The Ocean Safety Captain says that they've had six rescues already, and the waves are getting bigger. It's getting dangerous, like "high diving into a kiddie pool."

Uh-oh, a guy wipes out and is down.  They count...but he's up, grabbed by a safety officer on jet ski. 

The Air BNB Guy cozies up to some experienced surfers, who give him instructions, especially "Whatever you do, don't get stuck inside," with the wave above and below you. 

Uh-oh, he wipes out, and is floating unconscious.  The Female Lifeguard runs out, her midriff on display.  She finds him, loads him on a jet ski, and they zoom back to the beach, just ahead of the pipeline wave.  The other lifeguards grab him, perform CPR, and then load him into the waiting ambulance.  "You got lucky -- welcome to the North Shore."

Back story; The guy's name is Reef, and he's from Florida.  So a family from Florida is vacationing in Hawaii?  Not Quebec?

Opening credits.

Scene 2: Closeup of the chest of a cute guy swimming. Uh-oh, he's sinking...and Ocean Safety Captain (Robbie Magasifa. top photo) wakes up.  He's sleeping on the couch in his plant-filled living room.  It was a nightmare about his son, who died two years ago.  I called it.

It's time to test the lifeguard recruits.  A Bikini Babe recruit arrives late, arguing with her mother who disapproves of lifeguarding and wants her to return to her Ivy League college.  I called it.

Scene 3:  The test: run, swim, run, 100 yards each, 4000 meter swim, 400 yard paddle. Bikini Babe and Sweater Guy stand in front, but the guys in back are shirtless. Still no Speedos.

Bikini Babe finishes first, followed by Sweater Guy.  They all pass, but she's so great that she gets the plum District 7 assignment.  The disgraced guys grimace and growl. "Don't worry, we'll assign you to the kiddie pool or something."  I may be exaggerating the dialogue a bit.

Sweater Guy approaches Bikini Babe to explain that he almost beat her.  It was just dumb luck that he came in .001 seconds late. She's not having it:  "Just admit that a Bikini Babe is better than you."  I imagine that she'll find him "arrogant" as they embark on a three-season long "will they or won't they" story arc.

Scene 4: At the lifeguard station, they put a firefighters's hat on the Big Guy's stuff.  "Ha-ha, very funny," he says.  Back story: he's retiring from life guarding to become a firefighter, but they disapprove because firefighters never do anything but pose for calendars. 

Also, he's dating the Female Lifeguard.  She concludes that he;s taking the job to get away from her.  The world doesn't revolve around you, girlfriend.

Wait -- they're not dating.  They broke up two years ago, and he's engaged to someone else.  Girlfriend is delusional.

Big Guy is played by Adam Demos.  The reason for his nickname after the break:

"Welcome to Plathville": Beefcake and body parts of a hardcore fundamentalist family, including Micah the "Boylicious" model

 

Link to the NSFW photos

Welcome to Plathville, originally on TLC but recently streamed to Hulu, is a six-season long reality series about the Plaths: "A strikingly blonde, blue-eyed Quiverfull family with 9 children in Southeastern Georgia, who are very passionate about traditional roles, their courtship rituals, music, God, and domestic life."

Brr.  Sounds too scary.  They must be wildly homophobic, but I imagine that they agreed to appear only if there were no "homosexuals" in the crew, so maybe they won't mention them at all.  Episodes appear to be soap-opera like,  with marital problems, career troubles, treks into secular civilization, and lots of clickbait "dark secrets" and "startling revelations."

The elder Plaths belong to the No Greater Joy Ministries, an out-of-the-box fundamentalist cult that, other than hating homos, teaches that women must always be subservient to men -- working outside the home is a major sin, and will turn her into an evil lesbian.  Plus you must beat your children to ensure their subservience -- if you don't, they'll start to talk back and turn gay.

I'm too squeamish to watch, but I'll check for fundamentalist beefcake.

The parents, Barry and Kim, have broken up and gotten a divorce, which means, of course, that they are both headed for hell. In my childhood church, that would get you kicked out.

Their oldest child, Ethan, left,  married the outsider Olivia, who works as a photographer.  A woman working outside the home!  A shocking revelation!

They got divorced, also.

Ethan and a buddy at the gym.

Daughter Hosanna refused to appear on the show.  She has left the family, moved to Ohio, and married an outsider. A dark secret revealed!

Daughter Moriah visited San Francisco and had sex with her boyfriend Max Kallschmidt, left.  A shocking revelation!

 The younger children are Lydia, Isaac, Amber, Cassidy, and Mercy.  

Micah works as a model, which means he has to work with gay people.  Uh-oh, he's doomed. 

Wait -- a model?  He must have some n*de photos out there somewhere.

More after the break.