Elsbeth, Episode 1.9: The lady from "True Blood" solves murders, with a jazz pianist, an OnlyFans hunk, a Christmas gay tease, and Ryan's bum

 

Link to the n*de dudes

I was recommended Elspeth or Elsbeth (2024-) on Paramount Plus. Carrie Preston stars as a quirky lawyer who helps the police solver murders.  Why do we need so many quirky characters solving murders?  Why review murder mysteries at all, when I don't even like them?  Because we're running low on paranormal and comedy shows with gay characters.  

Besides, Carrie Preston played Arlene Fowler, the frequently-married waitress at Merlotte's Diner on True Blood (2009-14), a series characterized by lots of gay characters and nonstop hunks (like Joe Manganiello, left).  Maybe Elspeth will be similarly gay-friendly and beefcake-heavy.   

I'm reviewing Episode 1.9, "Sweet Justice," because it started automatically when I clicked for an episode synopsis, and there was a cute guy in the first shot.

Scene 1: A bearded man, Joe (Arian Moayed), is teaching his apprentice or son Dion (Daniel Dale, right) how to mix $80 martinis for his super-elite clientele.  

I can't seem to research David Dale.  Everything gets mixed up with the Canadian journalist, even when I say "David Dale" "actor" "-journalist"  His IMDB profile says that he's a musician who has played the piano at many jazz festivals.

"Our lady" Ivy comes in, probably their wife/mother, gets her usual, and complains that she blew it at the job interview, because she got flustered by a Facebook friend suggestion: the worst person in the world, her old college roommate, Gemma, who made her life a living hell, bulling, belittling, posting embarrassing pictures online.  So, just don't "friend" her.

Bartender Joe wants to know if she got Karma?  No, Evil Gemma runs a company that sells extremely expensive baby clothes, she has a cute boyfriend, and she hangs out with the rich-and-famous.  "In the old days," Joe muses, "When you did something wrong, there were consequences."  They hold hands.

Scene 2: Joe helping the extremely drunk Ivy to her apartment.  He assures her that "the universe has a way of righting itself.  You'll see."  Are they dating or not?

The Next Night.  Joe calls to see if Ivy is ok.  She says she's fine.  Then he lets himself into an elegant apartment -- Bully Gemma's -- and strangles her!  So a memory of bullying that took place years ago is sufficient for you to commit murder?  Dude, that won't make Ivy interested in you.

Scene 3: Cut to the next day, with Elspeth and the police examining the crime scene.  Detective Bobby (Danny Mastrogiorgio) doesn't think she belongs there, yada yada yada. 

Suddenly Bully Gemma bursts in!  

Then who is the corpse in the bed?   Gemma and her boyfriend Brad (Charlie McElveen, left) did a house swap with Jane from podunk Indiana, because she wanted to get away from her husband.  Wow, Gemma is a total b*tch.

Left: Charlie has 26 acting credits listed on the IMDB and an OnlyFans page.

Elspeth immediately figures out that the killer was targeting Bully Gemma, and in the dark didn't realize that she was another woman. The cops: "Impossible, that's an idiotic theory, you're incredibly stupid, someone obviously wanted to kill Jane."

Cut to Bartender Joe flirting with some of his lady customers with a cocktail he calls "Sweet Justice."  Dude, you're being too obvious.

Scene 4: Elspeth talking to her Police Captain ally  (Wendell Pierce) about whether or not he will be indicted in the ongoing plot arc.

 Detective Bobby comes in with the report: Killer left no fingerprints, just a shoe print and the sticky residue of an industrail cleaner.  Right now the chief suspect is Dead Lady's husband, Mason (Brett Bartholomew)

Meanwhile,  Ivy bursts into the bar to tell Bartender the good news: Bully Gemma has been murdered!  "I told you it would balance out," he gloats. She starts to smooch him-- oh, it was a fantasy.  Back to real life,  where Ivy calls to tell him that someone staying at Gemma's apartment was killed. Uh-oh, you won't get The Girl now, buddy.

More after the break

"White Lotus": Checking Season 3 for gay characters, homophobia, Thai guys, and Patrick Schwarzenegger's d*ck

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Believe it or not, I'm actually thinking of giving The White Lotus Season 3 a shot.  It takes place in Thailand.  I've visited: beautiful temples and monasteries, the Grand Palace.  I took a class in Theravada Buddhism at the Institute of Buddhist Studies. I'm into Asian guys.

Sure, it's produced by major homophobe Mike White, and the earlier seasons had some of the most offensive gay predator stereotypes, but...it's Thailand.  

But before investing, let's see how homophobic it is with the "Season 3" anad the "Coming Up in Season 3" trailers.   

Trailer:

1. An Anglo husband, wife, and three young adult children, and a middle aged woman come ashore, followed by a plus-sized African-American woman, while the voiceover tells us, "At the end of the week, you'll be a different person." 

I think they are Timothy Ratliff (Jason Isaacs, left), wife, daughter, and sons; and Belinda. 

2. Montage of female Thai dancers, Rick (Walton Goggins) kissing his girlfriend, and Three Women crying, screaming, and jumping out of a window.  The voiceover:  "What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand."

3. Establishing shots of the resort, with the manager, maybe Fabian (Christian Feidrel),  saying "Our hotel is the best in the world."  

Montage of the Three Women hugging in the pool, Rick kissing his girlfriend, someone entering the ocean fully clothed, a ceramic monkey, gunshots, and drowning.  So we'll have some murders.

4. The Three Women toast each other. "To Thailand, and a week of memories."  Some couples on a boat. 

Then back to the Ratliff family from Scene 1.  Mom is happy that her children are all together, but they are miserable. 

5. Belinda from Scene 1 getting and giving massages, so she can bring her skills back to Maui.  I guess she's going to become a masseuse.

6. Rick and his girlfriend going to dinner.  She tells him that this is a wellness resort, so he should get a facial, because everyone thinks that he's her father.  She will help him find his joy again.

7. The Three Women hugging and laughing. One lies down in a bikini. 

8. Tax Evader Timothy Ratliff gets a phone call. He won't tell his family what it's about, because "We're poor now and Daddy's going to prison."

9. A masked robber invades a jewelry store.  Maybe he's Timothy, trying to make some money?  A cop, maybe Gaitok (Tayme Thapthimthong) runs out to apprehend him,  and gets clobbered.  A new security guard is told, "Your job is to protect the hotel."

10. Cop Gaitok says "I don't want to hurt anyone," and fires his gun, while his girlfriend tells him "You've got to be stronger than this."

11. Tax Evader Timothy Ratliff asks his wife, "What if we lost everything?"  She would "not want to live." Uh-oh, she's going to be murdered.

12. The Three Women laughing and hugging some more.  One cries.

13. One of the Ratliff sons, I think Lochlan (Sam Nivola), asks his brother Saxon (Patrick Schwarzenegger, left),  "What if this life is just a test, to see if we can be better people?" over a montage of a shirtless guy approaching Massseuse Belinda, Rick holding a snake, and Cop Gaitok and his girlfriend watching a show and laughing. 

Saxon finds the "Life is a test" theory ridiculous.

14. A shirtless Saxon twirls a woman, Timothy pulls out a gun, fireworks, a woman in a bikini, Rick kissing his girlfriend, partying, Buddha, partying, a woman's legs, a corpse, screaming.

15. A man tells Belinda the Masseuse, "Go big or go home."

The only male character not shown with a girlfriend is Lochlan Ratliff.  Let's try the "Upcoming Trailer:" After the break

Matt Smith: Who doesn't want to see the d*cks of Christopher Isherwood, Charles Manson, Superworm, and Dr. Who?

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We've been watching the 2011 series of Doctor Who, the seemingly endless British sci-fi series that sends the last remaining Time Lord through time and space to save Earth, an alien planet, or the entire universe.  Again and again.  Oddly, when his world-saving takes him to modern day Britain, there are plenty of exteriors, but when it is a distant planet or the far future, all we see are endless corridors. 

Doctors regenerate every few years, getting new bodies and personalities.  Right now it's Matt Smith, an effervescent, jokey type, with an inner trauma that sometimes comes out.  After all, he saw the destruction of his people, and he's over 1,000 years old, so dozens of human companions have died, gotten lost, or left him to go on with their lives.

Matt Smith has appeared as the Doctor in dozens of projects outside the show itself: videos exploring odd corners of his universe, video games, a lot of four-episode miniseries, spin-offs starring former companions Sarah Jane and Amy Pond

The children's program Blue Peter. 

Comic Relief: Red Nose Day, An Adventure in Time and Space...I got tired of counting.  You have to be British to really understand his amazing popularity.

The Doctor would be enough for a career, but Matt has played a wide range of other characters, mostly based on real people:

Christopher Isherwood, the gay author of A Passage to India and Maurice, in Christopher and His Kind, a 2011 adaption of his memoirs. Left, the one without the biceps.

Rowing star Bert Bushnell in Bert & Dickie, 2012.  Neither was gay.

More after the break