"The Sandman": Season 2: What happened to the beefcake and gay romance? After watching, you'll need to see some hunks

  

Link to the NSFW version

We're watching Season 2 of The Sandman on Netflix, based on the 75-issue Neil Gaiman comic book series featuring the Dream of the Endless negotiating crises with humans, various magical beings, and his siblings, whose names all begin with D (Death, Destruction, Desire) and end with "of the Endless."  

1. In Season 1, the Sandman is an otherworldly creature, dark and mysterious, who rarely intrudes upon the human realm.  He spends 50 years naked in a bottle, staring at the humans as if they are a bizarre alien species.  In Season 2, he is a jaded aristocrat who hangs out in the human realm all the time, taking cabs and paying for things.

Or look at Lucifer: in Season 1, a seductive, dangerous being with motives and desires that are impossible for humans to comprehend.   In Season 2, an elderly British aristocrat who wants to sit on the beach with a cup of tea.

2. In Season 1, the Endless are responsible for the working of the human realm.  When Dream is captured, the world falls into chaos: millions of people fall asleep and can't wake up, and others can't fall asleep at all.  In Season 2, the Endless mostly engage in partying and pranks.  The only one we see doing any actual work is Death, who escorts people to the afterlife. 

3. Season 1 has high stakes. A nightmare is running rampant in the human realm, plus an unstable guy has acquired Dream's ruby of infinite power, and changes the world, with disastrous results.  In Season 2, there's some rumbling about a prophecy, but mostly it's episodic stories, like deciding who to give the keys to Hell to after Lucifer retires, or trying to track down Dream's ex-girlfriend from 10,000 years ago (who is not interested in getting back together).

4. In Season 1, there are many gay characters.  A gay couple in the first episode.  A lesbian couple in the second.  In Episode 6, two gay/lesbian couples emerge among the six people stuck in a diner, when they are forced to tell the truth of their situation. Plus a heterosexual liason involving the lady in charge of the company and job applicant Mark (Laurie Brewer, right, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

More after the break. 

Krapopolis Episode 2.14: Tyrannus on "The Bachelor," some gay guys at a party, Jordan Young, and Jerry O'Connell

Krapopolis (2023-25) is a Fox animation sitcom set in ancient Greece, where the inept demigod Tyrannus (Richard Ayoade) rules over a crappy city-state.  Many gods and heroes have guest shots, including Achilles, Heracles (the Greek form, for once), Hermes, Homer  (really?), Pan, Poseidon, Odin (makes as much sense as Homer). 

I'm reviewing Episode 2.14: "Love Trap, Baby," because Tyrannus becomes a contestant in a Bachelor-like dating show.  I want to see if any of the contestants are women.

Plus 1990s mega-hunk and gay ally Jerry O'Connell appears

Jordan Young, reputedly in the running for Tyrannus before they decided on Richard Ayoade, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Scene 1: A messenger from the city of Messenia appears before demigod King Tyrannus to see if he wants to barter for some squid.  Not interested: The Messenians forgot Poseidon's birthday, so he is making it rain squid, and Krapopolis is downwind.

Next visitor: Angelioforos, with an invitation and a gift (is it the hunkoids carrying the fruit basket?).  Their princess Lycosa is seeking True Love, so she is inviting all of the eligible bachelors in the area to come to her palace on the Paradise Peninsula for a contest.

Tyrannus' part-fish Half-Brother is cynical: this sounds like a scam.  But the rather naive Tyrannus agrees to go.

Scene 2: Tyrannus packing for the trip, asking fashion advice from his sister Stupendous, the gigantic leader of the city-state's army: slit to the thigh, or farther?  "Farther?"

Next he tells his parents, Shlub the manticore/centaur creature (Matt Berry) and Deliria, Goddess of Destruction and Questionable Choice, that he's leaving them in charge, and could they please not destroy or "fundamentally alter the character" of his city while he's away?

Scene 3: On the road, the siblings continue to complain.  

Back in Krapopolis, the parents complain: "He thinks we can't handle his city for a few hours?"  They plan an party, but the roads are too bad to draw anyone, so Deliria repairs them, and turns some enchanted carts into a train that will go from town to town.

More after the break

Corey Sevier: "Lassie," something about monkeys, a Greek god, a yoga mogul, and a lot of Christmas romcoms. And maybe Peter Brady

 

Link to the n*de photos

You might remember Canadian actor Corey Sevier from the 1997-98 reboot of Lassie.  I never saw it, or the original (1954-74): the melancholy "lost dog" intro is depressing, and who wants to watch a "dog in peril" series?  

I didn't see Summer of the Monkeys (1998), either.  A guy on the Canadian prairie in 1910 adopts four monkeys so he'll have enough money to buy a horse?  Sorry, I went to see Star Trek: Insurrection instead.

Corey's next role of note was Black Sash (2003): a disgraced ex-cop runs a martial arts dojo for teens.  It only lasted for seven episodes.

And North Shore (2004-2005), a Fox sleaze soap opera about women walking around in bikinis at a hotel in Hawaii.  There were some cute guys, too, but this shot will give you an idea of what you had to endure to see them. 

An annoyingly heterosexist entry into young adulthood.

Some minor "show your pecs" roles followed, like Aquaman (2006), with Justin Hartley as the teenager with superpowers, and Surf School (2006), which gives teens who have no surfing experience a week to learn what they need to win the championship.  Say what?

In this shot from Gospel of Deceit (2006), it looks like Corey is in bed with a guy wearing shorts, but the plot synopsis on the IMDB says that a preacher's wife (Alexandra Paul) is having an affair with handyman 

I checked the original movie: It's Alexandra Paul, who uses she/her pronouns.  Lady definitely has a masculine gender presentation: tricepts, no breasts, a man's haircut.

The first movie with Corey that I actually saw was The Immortals (2011): I was drawn in by the Greek gods, everyone from Zeus (Luke Evans) to Poseidon (Kellan Lutz).  Corey played Apollo.  Of course, the story was ridiculous, with no connection to any Greek myth.

Bonus: Matthew G. Taylor as the King's Guard

The IMDB says that Corey is known for Conduct Unbecoming (2011): a soldier is charged with killing civilians in Afghanistan. Of course I wouldn't see that.

In Awaken (2012), Corey meets the Girl of His Deams.  The only problem: she's dead.

And The Northlander (2016), which sounds like Mad Max: crazy-looking people travel through a post-Apocalyptic desert in search of something or other.

Two episodes of Psych: 

Brody, a contestant on a dating game

The model Bryan Frou, who might be gay. A Corey first!

More after the break

The Hollow: Adam and Kai Hugging

Three teenagers awaken in a locked room with no windows or doors.  They don't remember who they are, but slips of paper in their pockets give them names.  As they try to escape, distinct personalities emerge:














Adam (voiced by Adrian Petriw, left) is the strong (as in super-strong), logical, level-headed leader.

Kai (Connor Parnall) is the skittish, easily frightened goofball, but a mechanics whiz (he can rewire a spaceship).

Mira (Ashleigh Ball) has mystical powers, like being able to talk to animals.

They escape, only to find themselves in a secret scientific facility, chased by devil-dogs.

Then in a world occupied by minotaurs from Greek mythology, who intend to eat them.

They escape into a lair of witches who want to inhale their souls, meet the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, rewire a spaceship, crash it into the ocean, meet the Cyclops of Greek mythology, and...

More after the break

Kaos: Scheming royals...I mean modern-day Greek gods, some queer, some Daddies, some both

  

Greek gods and demigods are usually heterosexualized in modern texts, but in the original myths they were all queer, having sex with any being who caught their eye, and even pursuing an occasional same-sex romance.  Kaos, on Netflix, imagines a world where the gods are still active and involved in human affairs, like a royal family with the power to turn humans into artichokes.  Let's see how well their queer past holds up.

Scene 1: Prometheus (Stephen Dillane, above), the one who gets his liver eaten every day, narrates as we zoom in on Mount Olympus: "Power can give a man many things. Taste is rarely one of them." Zeus, Jeff Goldberg, struts Hugh Heffner-like through his gold-and-white mansion, sits on his throne, and invites mortals to worship him on Olympia Day.  But you shouldn't: "He's a transcendent, unmitigated bastard." 

Prometheus has a plan to bring him down, involving three mortals and a prophecy.

Scene 2: Modern-day Heraklion, Crete, except they're still worshipping the Greek gods, or at least keeping track of their scandals.  The first mortal is Eurydice, or Riddy, who isn't interested in politics. 

Cut to Riddy at the supermarket, looking at boxes of Spartan Crunch, Gaia's Granola, and Achilles' Heels, har har.  A woman tries to pick her up, but she deflects her by mentioning a husband.  

Check-out counter: on tv, an announcement of Olympia Day.  She buys a pomegranate, har har.  Look it up.

Outside, the woman who tried to pick her up is being manhandled by security for stealing cat food. Riddy intervenes.

"Nobody believes me," the woman says, "But it all comes true.  I told them about the horse..."  OMG, this is Cassandra!  Look it up.  She tells Riddy, "Today's the day you leave your husband.  Your love is dead."

Scene 3: Up on Olympus, Zeus is producing lightning and thunder.  His wife Hera arrives, and he shows her the Meander, a fountain where the water flows in circular pattern in mid-air.  He will reign as long as it runs.  He noticed a blip in it.  She thinks he's being ridiculous.  He asks "Where's our son, by the way."

Cut to the son, Dionysus, Nabhaan Rizwan, "god of pleasure, madness, and wild frenzy," dancing and carousing at a nightclub, smooching with men and women both, getting a blow job from a lady, then leaving, depressed.  He tells the falafel guy that he works for his dad, "but he doesn't take me seriously."  So sons have complained since...um...ancient Greek times.  He wants to do more for people than just dance and have sex.

Dillane's cock and Nabhaan's butt are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends 

He zooms up to Mount Olympus for an uncomfortable breakfast.  Hera sneers "Would you like some honey?", har har.  Look it up.

Dionysus gives his Dad an Olympia Day present: a watch, because "time together is precious."  Zeus is not impressed: "nope, ugly."  He summons his ball boy to dispose of it.  A ball boy to fetch tennis balls, not a sex partner.

It's the wrong time to ask for a promotion, but Dionysus tries anyway: "Make me the god of love, or war, or anything with influence."

Nope.  He gets all bratty, so Zeus uses his god powers to pound his head into the table.  "Where did I go wrong?" he asks Hera.  None of his kids come to visit him.

Down on Earth, they're about to unveil the Olympia Monument.  Uh-oh, it's been stolen, replaced by the graffiti: "F*k the gods"!  

Zeus goes all Spirit of Vengeance.  "Who has desecrated the gods?  Who has blasphemed against me?   I am going to wipe them off the face of the Earth."

No, he isn't, Hera suggests.  Kings delegate power.  Call  Poseidon (Cliff Curtis, left).

Scene 4: Riddy drives home, to where her husband, Killian Scott, is playing his guitar and thinking about how much he dislikes her.  Wait -- he's Orpheus.  They're the stars in like the greatest heterosexual love story of all time!  And their love is dead, har har.   They certainly joke, frolic, and kiss like they're still in love. 

Back story: Orpheus is a famous singer.  But you knew that already, right?

The problem: he's too needy.  He forced her to model for the cover of his new album, and his latest song is entitled "Eurydice." 

Prometheus: "There's nothing quite like the loneliness of someone you're falling out of love with."

They do some sloppy smooching and hit the bed, Orpheus with his shirt off, Eurydice with her bottom showing, but they're interrupted by Calliope, the Muse of Music, evidently his agent, picking him up for rehearsal.

I'm out of space, but I read ahead to see about the fates of the LGBTQ characters. After the break

Icarus: The boy who flew too close to the sun

I mentioned before that artists interested in depicting men without women around have only limited mythological and religious themes to choose from, and most involve tragedy.

Take the tragedy of Icarus:
According to Greek mythology, skilled inventor Daedalus and his son Icarus were imprisoned in Crete.  To escape, Daedalus made them wings from bird feathers, held together with wax.  The plan would have worked, except that Icarus flew too close to the sun, so the wax on his wings melted, and he plunged to his death.




In the ancient world, and through the Middle Ages, the story was used to illustrate the folly of over-confidence, trying to do more than you are able.  But more recent artists and writers have a different take: strive to be all that you can.  You may fail, but at least you were able to fly.

Or they just like to portray a muscular nude Athenian youth, before, during, or after his flight.

Daedalus and Icarus (1645), by French painter Charles LeBrun, shows the moment when Daedalus rouses Icarus to try on his wings.

Icarus and Daedalus (1869), by Lord Leighton shows the same scene, but now they're on top of the tower, and a thin swath of fabric keeps Icarus from full nudity.

The Lament for Icarus (1898), by Herbert James Draper, substitutes naked nymphs for the mourning Daedalus, but it has a particularly striking dead hero (modeled by Luigi di Luca)












More Icarus after the break

Hippolytus, the Gay Charioteer of Greek Myth

In Greek myths, Hippolytus, a chariot devotee (similar to today's auto racers), was the son of Theseus (who killed the Minotaur).  After he rejected the advances of his stepmother Phaedra, she told Theseus that he raped her, whereupon Theseus asked the god Poseidon called up a sea monster to terrorize Hippolytus'  horses and drag him to his death.

In the Euripides play Hippolytus (428 BC), we learn why Phaedra was so interested in the lad.  He rejected Aphrodite, the emblem of heterosexual love, for Artemis, the "chaste" goddess of the hunt.  Angry at the slight -- how dare there be any non-heterosexuals in the world! -- Aphrodite caused Phaedra to fall in love with him, thus leading to his death (this is a scene from a performance at the National Theater of Athens).

Jean Racine's Phèdre (1677) gives Hippolytus a girlfriend, Aricia.  This ballet version stars Slovenian dancer Tadej Brdik (left)

The 1962 film version, directed by Jules Dassin, stars gay actor Anthony Perkins as the son of a shipping magnate (Raf Vallone) who has a consensual -- but doomed -- romance with his stepmother (Melina Mercouri).

Several artists have depicted the death of Hippolytus, so they can show straining muscles and minimal clothing.  Peter-Paul Rubens (1577-1640) shows us a beefy specimen, part of his cloak transformed into a faux phallus.

Pierre Subleyras (1699-1749) depicts several guys thrown from the chariot.  Hippolytus must have been riding with a coterie of boyfriends.

I don't know why his wrists are tied.

(Photo has been removed at the request of a reader.)

Joseph Désiré Court (1797-1865) goes about as far as he can go.  I think it's hidden by a stirrup.

John Milton: 10 Gay Things About the Author of "Paradise Lost"

In one of the iconic scenes in Animal House (1978), Professor Jennings admits that he hates English poet John Milton (1608-1674), author of Paradise Lost:  "He's a bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible."

And, I presumed, as heterosexist as most of the other "great writers" purveyed by English teachers.

A few months later, I started my freshman year at Augustana College, and my English Literature survey assigned Milton's  L'Allegro and Il Penseroso. 

1. Expecting the worst, I plowed in.  Surprise -- not boring at all. The poems contrasted the perennial college student question: should you spend your time partying and having fun, or studying and getting good grades?

 I leaned toward "having fun," since Milton mentions partying with Corydon and Thyrsis, two gay characters from Virgil's Eclogues.

2. During  my sophomore year, a course in Renaissance Literature assigned Comus, a masque (a sort of pageant with minimal plot): a Lady is kidnapped by the evil Comus, who tries unsuccessfully to seduce her while her brothers rush to the rescue.  It was performed for the Earl of Bridgewater, whose own brother had been executed for sodomy.  So Comus becomes a stand-in for a gay temptation.

3. This muscular, shirtless Comus appeared in the only modern production that I'm aware of, at Florida International University in 2010.

4. We also had to read Lycidas: An elegy lamenting the death of Milton's Cambridge classmate Edward King, who drowned (here he is portrayed as a naked muscle god).

Anything celebrating a same-sex love can't be boring.

5. John Fletcher (left) recites Lycidas in his underwear before a blow-up version of Stonehenge.  I don't know why.

6. During my junior year, I took an entire class in Milton, and we read the big, scary one: Paradise Lost, an epic poem the fall of Satan, the temptation of Adam and Eve, and their expulsion from Paradise.  But there were lots of gay subtexts: Satan, an "angel of light," heterosexual sex leads to downfall, and so on.  I wrote a paper on it at Indiana University.

7. And you can't beat the beefcake of the illustrations by Gustav Dore.

8. We also had to read Paradise Regained, about Christ being tempted by all of the pleasures of the world, including: "fair stripling youths rich clad, of fairer hew than Ganymede or Hylas."  So they're hotter than the boyfriends of Zeus and Hercules in Greek mythology?

9. And the "closet drama" Samson Agonistes: the Biblical strongman has been captured by the Philistines, blinded, and enchained.  He bewails his seduction by Delilah: "foul effeminancy held me yoke."  That's right, liking women is effeminate.  Real men like men.

10. Strongman Fernando Lamberty played Samson in a performance at Florida International University in 2009.

John Milton was no doubt homophobic -- who in 17th century Britain wasn't?  But there's still a lot of gay interest in his works.

"Record of Ragnarok": The Final! Apocalyptic! Battle! Between! Gods! and Men!

 I've been getting tired of Ragnarok, the Apocalyptic battle between Norse gods and giants that ends the world -- there are two tv series by that name, plus one or more Marvel Universe movies.  But Records of Ragnarok seems to be different -- a Japanese anime mash-up of gods and humans from many different traditions. I wouldn't mind seeing a muscular Zeus or Apollo.  Besides, some of those gods were gay or pansexual.

Scene 1: A gigantic United Nations of gods: monsters, pig-faced, Cthulu, Hermes in a business suit, a very dissolute-looking Lord Shiva, a lady with big breasts.  Wait -- Lord Shiva, being worshipped by 900 million Hindus at this moment?  Should he be there?

A hollow-eyed god calls the meeting to order and announces the new business: a vote to determine whether humanity should be allowed to continue existing.  He says "mankind," a term discarded as sexist over 30 years ago.  The gods are not exactly woke.

They have been meeting every thousand years for the last 7 million to debate this question, and the vote is always "let them live."  Ignorant gods, there have only been modern homo sapiens around for about 200,000 years. 7 million years ago, it was just early primates who didn't even walk upright. But things have changed since 1021 CE: the Industrial Revolution, World War I, World War II, environmental degradation, animal species extinction, global warming!  And women's rights?  Everyone votes "No! 'Mankind' is a curse!  Kill them!"   

But just before they start exterminating "mankind,"  the Valkyrie Brunnhilde interrupts: Let's have a reality tv competition, a god against a "man," 13 rounds (a full season of episodes).  If the "men" win at least 7 rounds, "mankind" gets to stick around, but if the gods win, we'll get to wipe out "mankind."  

"Great idea!  Sounds like fun!  Call off the plague -- we'll do this instead!"

Odin objects: "The moment the match begins, the god will blast the 'man' to oblivion.  What fun is that?"

Brunnhilde: "Well, if you're afraid..."

Odin: "Who, me?  I ain't afraid of no 'mankind'! Bring  on the 'men'!"  

Scene 2:  Thousands of gods and "men" congregate in a giant arena for the first battle.  They discuss who Brunnhilde has picked to represent "mankind."

Eventually Heimdall, a gigantic werewolf, yells "Hey-oh!  Who's ready for some carnage!"  

Representing the gods: An androgynous red-haired Thor!

Representing "mankind": the biggest badass in "man's" history...who else could defeat a god!  Note the rippling muscles, the long tresses!  The final hope of "mankind" is...wait for it...Lu Bu!  A military general of the Han Dynasty, whom no one outside of China has ever heard of.  You might want to include some biographical details here.. 

Scene 3:  The combatants are announced again: Thor representing the gods against Lu Bu representing "mankind"!  Meanwhile, in the stands, gods and "men" trash talk each other, insult the opposing team, discuss strategy, argue about who Brunnhild should have chosen -- things I assume happen at every sports match.  

The combatants are announced a third time.  The final battle between gods and "men" will begin soon!

Scene 4:  The combatants are announced a fourth time.  The final battle between gods and "men" is about to start!  In this corner, Thor -- let's hear all about him again!  And in this corner, representing "mankind" -- you guessed it, the famous Lu Bu!  Won't this be a great match, folks? 

A fifth time.  In a moment, the inal battle between gods and "men" will begin.  Who will win, Thor or Lu Bu?  The energy in the crowd is electric.  They're all wondering who will win, Thor or Lu Bu!

A sixth time.  Any moment now, the final battle between gods and "men" will start!  Are you excited?  Who do you think will win, Thor, the famous god of thunder, or Lu Bu, the famous warrior of imperial China?  

A seventh time.  This is almost it, the final battle between gods and "men"!  In a moment, Heimdall will sound the horn, and... I'm not kidding.  They've been introducing this battle since minute 10.07, and now it's minute 18.51!

Scene 5: The Final Battle Between Gods and Men begins!  Thank God!  Whoops, no it doesn't.  The combatants are announced an eighth time.  In case you've forgotten, they are Thor and Lu Bu.  Aren't you starting to hate those names?

Ok, now it's starting.  Wait -- no, both combatants  (Thor! and Lu Bu!) lower their weapons, too bored to fight!  They approach each other, and hug and kiss, and Lu Bu drops to his knees to give....sorry, I was making up my own story, since this one never starts.

They actually spend two minutes of screen time approaching each other, while everyone in the stands discusses the odd move.  Then we pause for the eighth introduction of Thor!  and Lu Bu!, in case you're getting senile from the 50 years that have passed since this show began.  Who will win the Final Battle. Thor or Lu Bu?   At minute 21.57, they start to fight.  

The end.  WTF?  

Beefcake:  Some muscular gods, and Lu Bu is rather hot.  Thor is too feminine for my tastes.

Gay Characters: Lord Shiva has that ennui-laden, decadent look of someone who is probably gay   Should he be in this disrespectful series?).  Lu Bu has a companion who keeps crying over him.

Tease: 12 minutes introducing the battle ad nauseam, and it never happens! Who thought that announcing Thor! and Lu Bu! eight times in twelve minutes was good story narration? 

The Top 12 Greek Myth Mash-Ups of "Atlantis"

In the first episode of Atlantis, (2013-2015), Jason (Jack Donnelly) goes off in a submarine to search for his missing father, and ends up in ancient Atlantis (fortunately, an English-speaking Atlantis), where he tries to discover the mystery of his parentage and learns that he is the Chosen One.  But don't worry about that; this is mostly a series about Jason taking his shirt off and encountering the "Greek myth of the week," along with his companions, the boozing, brawling Hercules (yes, that Hercules) and the meek polymath Pythagoras (yes, that Pythagoras). 

Atlantis starts out as ancient Crete, ruled by the tyrannical King Minos, power-hungry Queen Pasiphae, and their daughter Ariadne: The first adventure is "Theseus and the Minotaur," with Jason playing Theseus.  But then it becomes an ordinary Greek city-state, surrounded by desert or forest, depending on the episode, visited by dozens of figures from Greek mythology and literature.

You may expect that, knowing how the stories turn out, Jason would be at an advantage, but after a few episodes the writers forget that he is from the 21st Century,. They are busy going through the index of Edith Hamilton's Mythology and having every mythological and literary figure they can find drop by for a visit.

Here are the top 12 mash-up myths.

1. Hercules dates Medusa before she gets that snake-hair curse.  There's no Perseus to cut off her head, though.

2. Daedalus (Robert Lindsay) and his son Icarus (Joseph Timms, right)  are just regular inventors; there is no "flying too close to the sun."  Icarus, in fact, starts dating Pythagoras (on the sly; the writers keep them both closeted until the last scene of the last episode, lest homophobic audiences turn off the show).

3. Orpheus (Ronald Pickup) is a seer who loses Eurydice to a zombie plague.  But he doesn't go to the underworld to fetch her.  He's also not attractive enough to be torn apart by Maenids.

4. Pandora's Box pops up as a magical tailsman.

5.  Telamon  (Clive Standen, left) doesn't help Jason hunt for the Golden Fleece or hunt the Calydonian Boar.  Here he is an enemy who is working with Queen Pasiphae to take over the throne.

6. Medea doesn't help Jason acquire the Golden Fleece (strangely, even though his name is Jason, there are no Argonauts here).  She's an enemy who works with the exiled Queen Pasiphae to try to conquer Atlantis.

7. Circe doesn't turn men into pigs, but she is a powerful soceress, encountered by Jason instead of Odysseus.

8. Nestor (Sam Swainsbury, left), a hero of the Trojan War, becomes a hero on Jason and Ariadne's team.

9. Cassandra is still an oracle who predicts doom, but for Atlantis, not Troy.

10. Laius (Tristan Gemmill, left) and Jocasta drop by with the infant Oedipus, who is saved by Jason and company (but won't get around to killing his father and marrying his mother for about 20 years).

11. Leonidas (Phillip Correia), a hero of the real-life Persian Wars, is now a hero of the Atlantis Wars.

12. Real=life poet Alcaeus (Louis Maskell) is still a poet.

The Top 11 Hunks of "Sabrina," Season 3

I have seen the first episode of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Season 3.  It's about hot guys with their shirts off and lame literary references.

As you recall, we ended last season with Satan deposed and trapped in the body of Sabrina's boyfriend:

1. Nicholas (Gavin Leatherwood).

Plus Lilith (Miss Wardwell) has taken over as Queen of Hell, and the Church of Satan is in disarray (who do you pray to when your god is deposed?).

Sabrina wants to go to hell to rescue Nicholas, so she asks Dorian Gray (yes, that Dorian Gray) for a portal.  He'll help, but only if she brings back the Fleur du Mal, which he needs to cure his acne (or he could just buy some Clearasil at the CVS).  Um...you know that Baudelaire's Les Fleurs du Mal is not really about flowers, right?


For some reason Sabrina drags her three friends, Roz, Theo, and Harvey, away from their performance of "My Sharona" to tag along, I guess so they'll have something to do this episode.

2. The preparation requires Ross Lynch to take his shirt AND  pants off, so I'm not complaining.

The portal opens with the famous "Abandon hope, all who enter here" line from Dante's Inferno, and voila, Sabrina and company are on a desolate beach, where they encounter:

3. The mysterious Caliban (Sam Corlett), a male-model type with his half-blown-off shirt revealing an amazing hard, pale physique.

If all the residents of Hell look like that, count me in.

After that, it's all The Wizard of Oz.  Sabrina and Company follow the Blood Road to:

The Fleur du Mal, which is acquired very easily.  They just have to be careful to not get pricked by the thorns, and no one thought to bring gloves.

A murderous Tin Man who turns out to be Harvey's dead brother.  "That was a trick -- it wasn't really Tommy!" Harvey's friends assure him.

Crows that eat the scarecrows, one of whom is Theo's dead Uncle Jesse.  But this time it's not a trick -- that's the real Uncle Jesse.  Does that make sense?

A schoolhouse where Roz's dead grandmother tortures her.  Real or a trick, I don't know.

Meanwhile Lilith/The Wicked Witch of the West sits on her throne, with a semi-nude Nicholas/Satan kneeling at her feet like a flying monkey (why semi-nude?  Presumably she's having kinky sex with him/them).

Inside his mind, Nicholas and:

4. Lucifer (Luke Cook) are locked in a semi-nude wrestling match (why semi-nude?  Presumably they're having kinky sex with each other).

Hell is apparently a kingdom like any other, and Lilith usurping the throne is causing dissent.  She summons Sabrina, the rightful heir, to legitimate her authority (but she didn't know that Sabrina was coming..oh, well).  Sabrina decides to become Queen herself, and make Lilith her regent.  They all return to Earth, and tie Nicholas up in the mausoleum.

Tied up on a cold, hard mausoleum floor is better than being Lilith's flying monkey?  Sure, he had to do kinky sex stuff with a middle-aged lady demon, but at least it was warm, and he could move around.

Meanwhile:

5. Cousin Ambrose (Chance Perdomo), who is now apparently straight, and girlfriend Prudence are searching for the deposed Father Blackwood.  They use stereotyped voodoo hoodoo magic to locate him in Loch Ness, Scotland (come on, that's idiotic.  But the ceremony requires Chance to be semi-nude, so I'm not complaining.)

My verdict: Come for the ridiculously campy plotline, stay for the beefcake.   Let's see who'll be taking his shirt off in future episodes:

6. Jonathan Whitesell (sigh) as Robin Goodfellow.  If they can have a Caliban, why not a Puck?

7. Will Svenson as Pan.  You have Shakespeare, why not Greek gods?

8. Marcello Ranieri as Sade.  As in the Marquis de Sade, author of the 120 Days of Sodom.  I've read it; it's not as salacious as you might think.  Most of the "passions" involve blasphemy or murder.

9. Daniel Nemes as Pontius Pilate.  Now we're digging into the New Testament.  There are also credits for Judas (a cute African-American teenager with no shirtless pics on his instagram),  Barrabas, and:

10. King Herod, played by Ian Rozylo, whose day job is a mixed martial arts instructor at a dojo in Vancouver.

11. Mike Antonakos as Vlad.  Who knew that Dracula had a chest?

By the way, I had a date/hookup/bar grope/something with Nate Richert, the original Harvey.  See Nate Richert's Kielbasa.