"The Colony": An Alien Invasion Begins...Slowly, and A Teenage Boy Morphs into Two

 

A friend from L.A. recommended The Colony (2021) on Netflix: "A mashup of Waterworld, Mad Max, and The 100."

Scene 1: A nuclear family at breakfast: Mom cooking, Ponytail Girl doing girl-coded stuff,  Baseball Cap Boy doing boy-coded stuff.  I already hate them.  The boy, by the way, looks about 9 years old, but he's played by 18-year old Jacob Buster.  I don't get it.

Mom and Dad discuss a work situation (he's a cop, naturally).  They, kiss, say "I love you,"  His black female partner picks him up.  They drive into town.  We pan out to see the L.A. skyline, and some alien spaceships approaching.

Scene 2:  Mom is driving Baseball Cap son to school.  Meanwhile, Alan (Peter Jacobson) goes to work as a purchasing manager for a high school, whatever that is.  He's divorced, with a teenage daughter.  Recruiters for another agency try to lure him away, first with praise, then with blackmail (he's been embezzling).  

Scene 3: Dad (Josh Holloway in a horrible haircut) and Partner at an old-fashioned diner, having breakfast, discussing escrow or something equally boring.  She bought a new house in Santa Monica with money from the Armenian Mafia.  He disapproves.

When is the alien invasion going to start?  What about Mad Max and Waterworld?

Scene 4: At the office.  Seven VIPS have gone missing in L.A. overnight -- the deputy director of the CIA, the chief engineer at Lockheed, and so on, and the cops are given the job of finding them.  

Scene 5: Yet another character, Eric (Tory Kittles), gets out of a cab.  It's been awhile -- his white picket fence is overgrown and in disarray.  A older woman, probably his mother, squeals, hugs, cries, and says "Let me look at you."    

Not his mother -- he asks her "How's Mom," and is led to Mom's deathbed.  He holds her hand and says Mom-on-Deathbed-type things. I fast forward through it.  When are the three alien spaceships from the first scene going to land?

Scene 6:  Dad and Partner arrive at the vast estate of the VIP they're supposed to find.  They see a bullet hole in the door, so they break in, guns drawn.  There's a dead woman in the foyer.  Dad says "hello" to a security camera.  It asks for their ids, which they provide.  The VIP emerges from the panic room.  Wait -- if the bad guys just came around last night, and the only other person in the house is dead, how does anyone know that he's missing?

Scene 7:  Closeup of a woman's breasts bouncing around as she does things behind a bar.  Eric comes in. Gasp, giggle, laugh, "I can't believe it!  I never thought I'd see you again!  Welcome home!  What brings you back to small-town Los Angeles?"   He wants to know why a woman with a husband and a couple of kids works at a bar.  Odd thing to say to a close friend whom you haven't seen for several years.

Eric tells her his back story, which as a close friend she already knows: he signed up in the military at age 19 to go "whomp ass" on some bad guys (aliens?)  Then, after his tour of duty ended, he went to work in the private sector, but didn't like it. 

Scene 7: The VIP explains: The bad guys shot the housekeeper, and he ducked into the panic room while they searched the house.  Then they left, but his phone wasn't working, so he couldn't call for help.  They are suspicious: why does an engineer need a panic room? Um...a super-rich VIP engineer who lives on a vast estate with millions of dollars lying around to tempt home intruders?  No, the reason is more arcane -- and secret.  He's one of 1,200 people chosen to survive the Apocalypse and rebuilt society.  

Scene 8:  Some old-fashioned black hearses head toward a gigantic structure in the desert with multiple guard towers.  VIPS emerge, including Alan from Scene 2 (the guy blackmailed into joining).  He's ushered into a cold room.  An alien appears in silhoette.  Finally!

Scene 9: Alan is dropped off at a house, still shaken by the experience.  A woman answers, not happy to see him, but he insists.  Must be the ex-wife.   He tells her to get out of L.A., now!  Something bad is going down!  But he's taking Teenage Daughter with him.  They both resist, but the suits come in and force compliance.  

Scene 10: Bartender and Eric try to get the tv to work, but the satellite's out.  Good!  Let's get some societal breakdown!  Eric gets a mysterious phone call and rushes out.  

Meanwhile, Dad and Partner are bringing VIP into the station.  They start the interrogation.  Um...he's a victim, not a suspect...

Suddenly Bartender gets a call.  Hey, she's the housewife from Scene 1, the one married to the cop!  He tells her to pick up the kids and meet him at the Agency, pronto!

Scene 11:  Bartender picking up her daughter.  She calls another woman -- Sis.  No one in the history of the world has ever called their sister "sis," but you have to establish relationships somehow.  "Grab Rob and Hudson and meet us at the Agency.  Something bad is going down."  

Scene 12: Back at the Agency, Partner tries to convince Dad that they have to leave.  Didn't they already arrange that?  But he refuses.  Suddenly the lights go out.  And all the traffic signals.  And the cell phones stop working.  And all of th cars. 

Bartender and her Daughter are trapped in traffic amid the stalled cars.  They head out to pick up Baseball Cap Son on foot.  

Scene 13: They reach Son's school.  He grumbles -- it's just a power outage, why worry -- but agrees to go with them.  This morning he looked around 8 years old, but now he's an older teenager. Unless there's another kid.  

Yep, there were only two kids at the breakfast table, but now there are three.  This one is played by Alex Neustaedtler (left, but without the shaggy hair). They still need to pick up Baseball Cap.  Bartender comforts her hysterical daughter.

Meanwhile, Eric walks home from the bar.  He grabs some stuff, including several guns.  Don't you want to check on your dyiing mother and the other lady?

Scene 14:  It's getting dark.  Bartender and Son are at the bar, having lit several dozen candles, gathering supplies.  I thought they were going to the Agency? Well, he actually said the Yonk.  It must be the name of the bar.  

 Dad comes in, and wants to know where his Baseball Cap son is.  "We couldn't get him.  All the cars are stalled."  So he gets on a mountain bike to fetch the boy.

Scene 15:  At the gigantic facility.  Alan and surly Teenage Daughter get out of the hearse.  He meets Helena, the deputy director something or other, who tells him "It's a brave new world, and you're about to become the most important man in Hollywood."

Scene 16:  Eric arrives at the VFW.  Apparently he was called to duty.  He hugs somebody he knows, who explains: A foreign hostile detonated an EMP pulse in the atmosphere, which took out all the electronics.  Eric wonders if it's a good idea to have every soldier in town under one roof.  His friend says "Sure, we can take 'em."  He leaves -- just before the building is bombed!  I saw that one coming.

Scene 17:   At the bar, Bartender comforts her hysterical daughter, while macho son paces and snarls: "We should be doing something!"   Sis arrives with her hysterical pre-teen son.  Her husband was on a plane, so he's gone for good.

Meanwhile, Dad rides his mountain bike through the looting crowds.  He sees the spaceships landing. They build a barrier around the city.

Back at the bar, more hysterical daughter.  Please tell me that Bartender isn't going to sing!  She does.  I try to fast forward, but her horrible song is interspliced with scenes of the alien wall going up.

Scene 18:  Santa Monica Bloc, a long time later.  Dad approaches some guys sitting around a fire outside a fortress, and says he's looking for a 12-year old boy who may be working for Solomon.   They think he's a pedophile and prepare to attack, but he specifies that it's his son.  He just wants to talk to Solomon.  They beat him up anyway.

Meanwhile, Bartender paces in an interrogation room.  Her Older Son is escorted in by armed guards.  "You got two minutes."  He cries and apologizes.  She can't get him out, but "Stay strong."   I have no idea what's going on.

Scene 19: Cop finds his way to a house in Santa Monica, and his ex-Partner!  She is not happy to see him.  The end.

Beefcake: None.

Gay Characters:  None.  Well, maybe his Partner, who doesn't mention a husband.

Cliches: Lots.

I have two questions.

1. Netflix accidentally hooked me up with Season 2.  So, what happened during the entirety of Season 1?  Was it all interpersonal drama leading up to the alien invasion?  

2. My friend actually recommended another Colony, a movie about an astronaut who crash-lands on a savage Mad Max Earth.  Who decides to give two science fiction programs about alien invasions the same title?