Maxton Hall: Where the rich take their shirts off, the poor are obscenely happy, and the only dark secret is snogging

  

Amazon Prime drew me in to a tv series called Maxton Hall by displaying this guy on the icon.  I had no idea what it was about, but the "Hall" suggested a soap opera about rich people with dark secrets.

Scene 1: The Hunk, James Beaufort, played by Damian Hardung, wakes up in bed and shows his chest and abs. Hard what?  There's a lady next to him, hidden under the covers.  

He stumbles out of bed, drinks some booze, stumbles over things, shows us his butt as he gets dressed. 

Message from his sister Lid: "I fucked up bad. I don't know what to do."

Scene 2: Out to the pool, where his friends make fun of him: "The man of the hour.  Every woman's dream."  It's all boy-girl couples except for one single guy

They want to know if she was good in bed, but her brother protests.   Into the pool for play-fighting.  Suddenly Sister Lyd shows up, crying, mascara running. She explains: "Ruby Bell burst in without warning.  The press will destroy me, and Dad won't forgive another scandal!"  So, did you kill this Ruby Bell, or did she kill your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Scene 3: Flashback to four hours earlier, with the prim Ruby Bell reading a book on the bus on the way to Maxton Hall.  Wait -- Hunk James just got up.  It's early in the morning.  Is Ruby Bell on a bus at 4:00 am?  

She greets her teacher, Eidin Jalali.  Background note: She's a scholarship girl, in her last year, and she wants a recommendation to Oxford. 

Scene 4: Oh, I thought he would be a major character.  The Prim Ruby Bell gets off the bus.  An establishing shot of the incredible Maxton Hall, like Eton on steroids, actually Marienburg Castle. 

Ruby Bell is splashed by the evil, entitled Lyd. 

Ruby Bell and her also-poor friend Lin sneak past the elites, British royals and the son of the head coach at Manchester United, being ignored or glared at, and take their place in the incredible, works-of-art-studded classroom to discuss Kant's Critique of Pure Reason.  I didn't even understand that in grad school. 

"Maybe Kant's categorical imperative tells us to ignore the consequences of our action if it feels right."  Another hot fudge sundae over here, and tell the waiter to take his pants off. 

Scene 5: Uh-oh, Ruby Bell forgot to give the recommendation form to the teacher.  It doesn't have to be today, does it?  She rushes back to the classroom. Prediction: she'll find him screwing Sister Lyd, and end up being murdered.

Ok, they're kissing.  Close enough.  Ruby Bell screams in agony and drops her stuff.  "I can explain, Teacher says."  She runs out.  That's all?  When does Sister Lyd kill her?

Scene 6:  Hunk James arrives at Maxwell Hall and leaves his driver Percy, Hyun Wanner, in the car,  Meanwhile Ruby tries to pay attention to the Welcome Committee meeting, led by Kieran, Frederic Balonier, who appeared nearly nude in the Little Queer Review.  He appears to have a crush on Ruby.

Hunk James barges in.  Ruby hates him: he embodies everything wrong with the rich: privilege, entitlement, arrogance.  Oh, no, they're going to fall in love.  I was expecting a lot of scheming and skulduggery, not rich boy-poor girl romance. 

Out in the -- um, a sitting room that Frederick the Great would find too elegant -- James tries to bribe Ruby to forget the kissing, but she is insulted. I predict kissing of their own in about 15 minutes.

Scene 7: In town, Ruby is waiting tables for the rich kids who eat at Manos.  Afterwards she hangs out with her sister, so Sis can discuss how horny she is and do double-takes at cute guys.  

They go home.  Dad, Martin Neuhaus, is ridiculously thrilled to see them. Important plot point: he is in a wheelchair.  

They go into a ridiculously exaggerated bacchanal  over cooking dinner, laughing, giggling, dancing, pretending to stab each other.    Apparently being poor means living in constant ecstasy.

Then they settle down to dinner and a discussion of how much they love each other. To paraphrase Dorothy Parker,  "This marks the first place in this episode at which Tonstant Weader Fwowed up.”

They're rushing around, hugging, dancing, pretending to stab each other so much that I didn't notice: there's a mom in the household, too.

Background note: The stair lift broke, so Dad hasn't been upstairs in years.  Ruby is secretly saving up to buy a new one.  

Scene 8: Ruby is so upset over the Teacher's malfeasance that is none of her business that she refuses his letter of recommendation.  So you're jeopardizing your chance of getting admitted to Oxford  because....you're a judgmental jerk?

Left: Eidin Jalali kisses his boyfriend in the movie I wish I was watching right now.

More Maxton after the break

As Judgmental Bell is rushing off to Headmaster Lexington for an alternate letter, bumping into the elites on purpose, Hunk James grabs her.  "Let's renegotiate.  What do you want?"   Well, she stands about an inch from him and gazes deeply into his eyes: isn't it obvious?  He starts to undress.  

But she still wants to play the "I hate you! " game: "If you come one step closer, I'll kick you in the balls."  Girl, he can't take a step closer. 

Scene 9:  The locker room before the big lacrosse game.  Everyone is fully clothed, darn it.  Hunk James' Friend, Justus Riesner, the one who called him "Every woman's dream" at the pool party, glares at him, angry for an unexplained reason.  

The coach, however, praises Hunk James as by far the greatest lacrosse player in the history of the sport, plus incredibly gorgeous, a super-nice guy, and able to walk on water.   "But you all know that, you've been worshipping him just as much as I have for the last four years. So go out and kick some East View butt!"

East View?  WTF?.  Maxton Hall sounds British, East View is an American name, and these people are speaking German.

James' Friend is still seething. His teammate, Ben Felipe, grabs his hand to calm him. "Just let it go."

 Did I miss something?  Was there a row at the pool party?

We continue with a long scene depicting the game.  A very long scene. And thank God,  I'm out of space.

Beefcake: The opening scene, meant to draw us in.

Murder: None, just Sister Lyd's absurd over-reaction to draw us in.

 Paranormal: None.

Heterosexism: This is a rich boy-poor girl romance. 

Classism:  Fast forward past the discussions of why being poor is so much superior to being rich.

Smarm: Tonstant Weader went through a lot of Alka-Seltzer.

Gay Characters:  According to the fan wiki -- wait, this absurdly contrived cliche-fest has fans?  -- Justus Riesner's character is  "openly gay," and will be hooking up with another guy at the pool party, played by Govinda Cholleti. 

Left: If you search on "Govinda Cholleti" and "nude," you get Joey from Friends and my post on Jak Kristowski and Kelton Dumont visiting the Citadel.

See also: Jak and Kelton visit the Citadel: Beach day, dick day, wrestling, modeling, and a tour of the campus