Oct 30, 2015
Hansel and Gretel Grow Up and Get Boyfriends
A very pleasant bedtime story for toddlers.
In Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013), the siblings grow up into a pair of Buffy the Vampire Slayer-style wisecracking, martial-arts-using witch slayers (Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton), who travel all over 17th century Germany with their arsenal of gigantic phallic-symbol guns.
On the way, Hansel hooks up with a good witch (Pihla Vitala), who challenges his "the only good witch is a dead witch" philosophy. But he gets a nice gay subtext with the fanboy Ben (Thomas Mann), touching him repeatedly on the chest, riding with Ben's arms around his waist, and finally inviting him to join the witch-hunting team.
Meanwhile, Gretel expresses no heterosexual interest, although she does get an unexpected ally in a gigantic troll (Derek Mears), who also joins the team. In the last scene, they're fighting a "sand witch" in the vast desert of 17th century Germany.
This is a very bloody movie; a scene involving the mass-execution of dozens of witches is particularly disturbing. And I didn't like the anachronistic dialogue ("Awesome!") and technology: they have machine guns, phonograph records, tasers, and hyperdermic syringes. But the people are attractive (at least, all of the good people are attractive), and there's plenty of gay subtexts.