Link to the n*de dudes and tree trunks
Scene 1: Eden Vale Town Square, October 11th. The team, Henry (Luke Cook, left and below), his sister, and an elderly guy named Glen (Robert Coleby), investigates a body -- brought from somewhere else for them to find. Psych! It's a first aid dummy, sent by rival high school football team Birch Creek to taunt the home team, Eden Vale.
"Not exactly 'The Case of the Speckled Band,'" Henry says, but they aren't familiar with Sherlock Holmes. Sister Lou wants to discuss the prospects of the Eden Vale high school football team -- they just got a new QB (quarter back) in from Texas, so he's bound to be great. Do people other than students and parents follow high school football?
Henry isn't interested in sports. She scoffs. "No wonder you sat by yourself at lunch." Lack of interest in sports is a queer code.
Then she wants to race him to the police station, but he refuses. So they're the unrestrained id and overcautious superego pair of most buddy comedies.
Scene 2: A restaurant called The Old Place. As they drink Coca-Cola from bottles, Chubby Guy (Dan Illic) asks the Hired Muscle (either Tyler Coppin or Jack Ellis), "Do you come here often?" Outdated pickup line, buddy.
Chubby Guy brought a photo of the new high school QB, Jake Wilson -- "I want him gone -- not dead, just gone." The bad guy is sneezing. This will become important later.
Cut to the cheerleaders (got to meet that heterosexual male gaze) and then the team practicing. QB takes off his helmet, to the girls gawking. His teammate found a photo taped to his locker: he is in bed asleep (nice beefcake), with the note: "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever!" Isn't the town he lives in up to his parents?
"It's nothing, just a bad joke."
QB is played by Alex Champion De Crespigny, who is not a 17th century nobleman in the court of the Sun King. According to his aggressivly self-congratulatory profile on the IMDB, he started his career as the most successful journalist in Australia before studying at NIDA and becoming the most famous Australian actor since Hugh Jackman.
He has seven acting credits listed on the IMDB, all in tv series that became massive hits due to his massive ego...um, I mean talent. He's also a writer, director, producer, model, superhero, and demigod, and he has a 10 inch....
Scene 3: An elderly woman says in Russian, "If I can't dance, I'd rather be dead!" She's quoting her ballet instructor as she preps the dancers for the best recital in town history.
Wait -- just one dancer, who points out that tonight is the Big Game, so no one will come to the recital. Not even the dancers.
"Tough, we're still doing the show, just you and me. It will be great."
Scene 4: At the police station, Sister Lou has two announcements. First, Henry is buying lunch. Officer Szczepkowski asks his female coworker, "Is today the day I try calamari?"
She says "no" in a nasty tone, with a disgusted expression. Was he asking to do stuff with her?
More after the break
Cop Bradley (Scott Lee) is wearing his high school letterman's jacket to support the team. He calls Henry "brother from another mother," but Henry shoots him down. He hates humans, and human relationships of any type.
Second announcment: Officer Szcz (William McKenna) has been on the force for three months, so he's ready for a solo call!
But it's just a domestic thing: "The annoying San Francisco couple on Park Ridge found something concerning in their yard." San Francisco -- euphemism for gay? No, it's a man-woman couple, just annoying because they're elitist.
Scene 5: Officer Szcz is nervous, so he insists that his Female Coworker come along on the call. Wait -- she treated him with disgust and contempt before, and now she's helping him?
They found human bones! "Do you think this will delay the completion of our swimming pool?" Har har, but nitpick -- no one in a northern state builds a swimming pool in October.
Cut to the station, where the QB's teammate, Mark, has reported the "Leave town, or you'll sleep forever" threat. He's sneezing as he leaves. This will be important later. Hank and Sister Lou want to work on the human remains case, but the Boss wants them on the QB Threat case.
Scene 6: They approach the school, Henry griping, his Sister getting nostalgic. They run into her high school boyfriend, Doogs, now working as the school groundskeeper. He asks if they want to get high in the gardener's shed, and complements Sister's kissing.
Doogs and Hired Muscle from Scene 2 look alike; we're supposed to think that they're the same person until a Big Reveal later. They're played by Tyler Coppin, whose name is impossible to research because it is also the name of some lady adult video stars, and Jack Ellis, left.
Next the cops run into their old English teacher, who loves Sister and hates Henry, probably because he accused her of turning students into "unquestioning blobs incapable of dissent or original thought."
Time to interview the QB and his Coach. "We're trying to figure out who could have photographed you sleeping." His bed partner, maybe? He notes that his host family doesn't lock their doors at night, so anyone could have sneaked in. Ulp, he sneezes, too, but instead of using his sleeve, he sneezes into his hand. This is a major clue?
"Is there anyone who wants to hurt you?" "Yeah, every D-Line in the state" (players on the defense line).
Scene 7: Coach calls QB into his office, furious. "How the hell did the police get involved?" He's got to keep a low profile -- no drinking, no partying, not even a parking ticket.
Left: More Bradley
Cop Bradley comes in and announces that he's been assigned to be the QB's bodyguard.
Scene 8: Cut to Cop Szcs showing Sister Lou the human bones they found in the yard. There were also some clothing fibers and a plastic bag of Valentine's heart candy (the chalky stuff). The bones are old; how are they related to the QB Threat?
Sister: "You were so scared on that call, are you second-guessing your decision to become a cop?"
Cop Szcz: "I just don't have what it takes. I feel like a fraud." Dude, everybody in every job feels like a fraud.
Sister: "Nope -- I hand picked you because I know you can do it." He also needs a degree in criminal justice, a passing grade on the police exam, a physical fitness test, a psychological evaluation...
Cut to the Boss having lunch with his girlfriend, who may be the Elderly Russian dance instructor from Scene 3. She asks him to reschedule the Big Game so people will go to her ballet recital, but he refuses. Does a police chief have the authority to do that?
Scene 9: Hired Muscle from Scene 2 leaves the QB another note: "Leave town. This is your last warning." Then he zooms his car at the QB, but the Bodyguard pushes him out of the way, causing Hired Muscle to swerve and crash.
Cut to the police investigating. The County Sheriff stops by to flirt with Sister Lou and try to get the nerve to ask her out: "Um...it was great seeing you...um...it would be...nice to see more of you." What is he, twelve?
Left: The only male actor left in the cast is Lincoln Lewis, but the Sheriff looks Black or Hispanic.
He also has intel on Hired Muscle: Dude was an ex-con (on tv all ex-cons are violent thugs).
Henry and the Boss investigate Hired Muscle's car, and find out that he met with Chubby Guy.
Scene 10: Next stop: The Old Place, where security cam footage reveals that the Chubby Guy who hired him is Carl Branch, the husband of the teacher that Henry hates. Small town!
Henry goes to his house, where the Teacher claims that she and her husband are not football fans. "So why do you have all of the game dates circled on your calendar?" Suddenly the QB tries to sneak out, half dressed. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 22. Wait -- the minute Bodyguard Bradley saved him and they had a queer-code moment, he sneaked out to have a nooner with the old lady? Sounds like he is overcompensating: "Bodyguard Bradley is so hot...I mean, I like ladies! Got to prove that I'm straight!
QB's tree trunk is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.Sister Lou goes to Chubby Guy's job at the Apple Store (not what you think). He runs -- quite fast for a chubby guy. But she catches him.
Scene 11: Long, slow closeup of cheerleaders (of course). It's the Big Game.
They announce a special halftime performance: The Elderly Russian Lady has arranged for the ballet recital to take place at the football game!
Remember the human bones? Cop Szcz has discovered that they were cut with a serrated blade: someone dismembered the body!
Meanwhile, Sister Lou interrogates the Teacher about being a predator. "It wasn't like that -- he's not a boy, he's a man -- 25 years old, just pretending to be a teenager so he can play." I did not see that coming. But it's still stuff with a student. The power differential makes it an assault.
And Henry interrogates Chubby Guy. He just wanted to scare the QB, so he would leave town and end the affair with his wife.
Suddenly he sneezes Henry has a flash of inspiration and rushes to tell Sister Lou that the QB is a grown-up! She already knew, but how did he figure it out? When they were interviewing him, he sneezed into his hand, but for the last six years, all schoolkids have been forced to sneeze into their elbow. Ergo he's been out of school for at least six years.
Scene 12: Back to the gratuitous cheerleader bods. 30 seconds left! Henry and Sister Lou arrive and tell Boss about the QB being an adult, but he won't stop the game. Another four or five gratuitous cheerleader shots, and the QB -- is tackled. The other team wins!Henry's d*ck is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends
QB explains that it was all Coach Grady's idea -- his teammates and host family are not aware of the deception.
"Why did you do it?" "I wanted to re-live the glory days of my high school career."
Scene 13: The Boss understands Coach Grady's actions, because of course high school football is everything, but he's going to charge him with falsification of documents and child endangerment.
Meanwhile, the siblings bicker, and the County Sheriff drops off some more bones from the back yard. Sister Lou sends Henry home so she and the Sheriff can smooch -- I mean, catalog the bones. Shouldn't forensics do that? He asks her out, but she says no -- because -- another big reveal -- she's dating Groundskeeper Doob!
Hank goes to a diner for pie -- and sees the Girl of His Dreams at the next table. She also ordered pie. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 39, but this is the third episode, so it was probably established earlier.
Beefcake: The QB twice.
Heterosexism: Not much. But the heterosexual male gaze is annoyingly overt.
Gay Characters: None specified. Potential gay-subtext relationships between the QB and his teammate and the QB and the bodyguard. Neither went anywhere.
Murder: None. Since 99.99% of the crimes on tv are murders, usually perpetrated by serial killers, its absence here was a pleasant change of pace.
The Human Bones: Not relevant here, maybe part of the ongoing plot arc.
My Grade: B, but the gratuitous cheerleaders and the final scene of aggressive "Girl of My Dreams" heteronormativity pushed it down to a C.
See also: "High Potential," Episode 1.13: This one has a gay character, a ridiculous plot, and a last-scene twist. Plus some cast members' members
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