The Protector: Turkish Superhero TV

The new Netflix series The Protector (2018-) is set in Istanbul, which is sort of interesting, but not very.  This is an Istanbul with no sign of Islam anywhere, which is almost as annoying as the standard gay-free San Francisco of American tv.

It's filmed in Turkish but dubbed in English, specifically an annoying colloquial "hey, dude, whazzup?" American.  Netflix uses subtitles for Basque, Catalan, and Hebrew.  Why Turkish?

I like Cagatay Ulusoy, but I do not like his character, Hasan, at all.  He's an annoyingly chipper post-teen operator with Big Dreams.

He and his buddy Memo (Cankat Aydos) hope to get the contract for renovating Hagia Sofia, the former Greek Orthodox Cathedral that is the most famous landmark in Turkey. 

Fat chance.   Turns out that rival contractor Faysal Erdem (Okan Yalabik) is killing off the competiton. 

Hasan keeps butting heads with his traditional father, who owns an antique shop: "We've got to be modern!"  I've only seen this a thousand times before.

And he's a stereotyped 1970s horndog, double-taking and jaw-dropping at ladies every five seconds, and getting cruised constantly with the absurd intensity of a shaving cream commercial, where the guy has to fight off armies of women driven to a sexual frenzy by the sight of his clean-shaven face.

But on to the plot:Hassan finds an ancient talismanic t-shirt which names him the Protector, a superhero destined to protect the world from the evil Immortal.  En route he has to find several more emblems of power.  He is assisted by a pharmacist named Kemal (Yurdaer Okur), the standard hero's mentor (think Mr. Miyagi and Yoda) and his daughter Zaynib.

Meanwhile the mysterious Leyla, who works for Erdem, joins the team, and...well, I don't need to finish that sentence, do I?

I don't expect any gay characters in a tv series filmed in the Middle East, but there isn't really much buddy-bonding, either.  Other than Memo, who is killed early on, Hasan's associates are all women or elderly men. 

Beefcake is also rather limited.  Hasan takes his shirt off a lot, to show the talisman burned into his chest, but the characters are usually shown in business suits.

I suggest skipping the stream and going for a pin-up of  Cagatay Ulusoy and a Google Earth tour of Hagia Sofia.

Teen Idol Cagatay Ulusoy: 10 Things You Should Know

1. Cagatay Ulusoy is the star of the Netflix series The Protector.  He's a former teen idol from Istanbul, but he's currently living in Santa Monica.

2. Turkey is one of the most-gay friendly countries in the Middle East, which means that most people are no more homophobic than your average Protestant fundamentalist in the U.S.

3. He is of Bosnian and Turkish-Bulgarian ancestry.  According to the World Penis Map, Bosnians average 15.6 cm, and Bulgarians 15.02 (Americans only 12.9).

4. The Turkish national sport is oil wrestling, in which half-naked guys grease up with olive oil and try to pin each other.

5. Cagatay started modeling in 2009, at the age of 19, and won the Best Model of Turkey contest.

6. His first acting role was in the adventure film Anadolu Kartallari (Anatolian Eagle, 2011), but now he concentrates on soaps.  In the soap Adini Feriha Koydum (2011-2012), he played rich kid Emir.

7. In the Turkish version of The O.C., Medcezir (2013-), he plays the Ryan Atwood character, Yaman Koper.  He's got a girlfriend, but the gay subtext seems to be retained.

8. Cagatay has never fallen in love, although he gets lots of offers.

9. He is heterosexual, but does not currently have a girlfriend.

10. He loves his gay fans.

Asian Muscle #2: The Middle East

When I was a kid, National Geographic published a map of "Peoples and Cultures of the Middle East."  It was on my bedroom wall for years -- hearing nothing on tv except sheiks with white robes and camels, I was fascinated by the many ethnic groups, religions, and languages between Pakistan to Morocco, the Baluchi, the Zoroastrians, the Copts, the Berbers, and the Druze.

Searching for beefcake in the Middle East, heading west from Iran, then south:

Iran.  Ancient Persia, site of the fabled empires of the Seleucids, Parthians, and Sassanids, not to mention the golden age of Sh'ia Islam, where poets openly discussed their homoerotic affairs.  No extremely homophobic.  But with bodybuilders.

Persian, also called Farsi, is an Indo-Iranian language, similar to Hindi, but written in the Arabic alphabet.














Turkey. Part of the Graeco-Roman world, then the Ottoman Empire that extended across Eurasia, through the Balkans, and threatened Vienna.  The Turkic languages form their own family, with no grammatical connection to Arabic or the Indo-European languages.

I have a big sausage
Yatağım bekliyor

Jn 2017, Ismail Balaban won the 656th annual Kirkpinar, the Turkish oil wrestling competition.  Over 2,000 wrestlers competed.

Iraq.  Ancient Sumer, the oldest civilization in the world, dating back to at least 4,000 BC, with the world's first writing system.  The Akkadians, the Babylonians, the Assyrians.  Ur of the Chaldees.  The Code of Hammurabi.  More recently, devastating war, hundreds of terrorist attacks, and the incursions of ISIS.

There's still time for wrestling, boxing, swimming, and bodybuilding.

Syria.  More fabled lands from antiquity.  The Phoenicians.  The Assyrian Empire.  Sargon the Great.  Damascus.  And today, more devastation.  Over half of the 22 million Syrians have lost their homes, and about 6 million have fled the country.  Most have sought refuge in Turkey, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Germany, and Sweden.  16,000 have resettled in the United States.

Syrian refugee Rami Anis, who now lives in Belgium, competed on the Refugee Olympic Team at the 2016 Olympics.

More after the break.

Tatar Boys

Tell me you're not fascinated by the history of the Tatars: the heirs of Genghis Khan, the Golden Horde that conquered western Asia in the 13th century and invaded Russia, establishing the Khanate of Kazan, the Khanate of Crimea, and the Khanate of Astrakhan,

They are now scattered across Russia and Central Asia, in the Republic of Tatarstan, in Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan, in the Crimean Peninsula, in Astrakhan, in Siberia.

There are 7 million speakers of Tatar languages, which belong to the Kipchak family. They are related to Turkish, but not mutually intelligible.

English: I have a big sausage.
Turkish: Büyük bir sosisim var
Tatar: Menem zur kazilik.

Penis, by the way, is kutak.

Tatars are mostly Muslim, so it will be circumcized.

Some famous people of Tatar ancestry include actor Charles Bronson, dancer Rudolph Nureyev, and Olympic weightlifter Ruslan Nurudinov.  My friend Yuri claims to be a descendant of Genghis Khan, but his grandfather is Kazakh, not Tatar.

When Russia annexed the Republic of Crimea in 2014, its draconian anti-gay laws went into effect.  Crimean Tatars were already being subjected to discrimination by the Russian and Ukrainian majority, so many gay Tatars fled the country, to Turkey, Britain, and the United States.

There are about 7,000 Tatars in the United States

Yes, tartar sauce is named after them: it comes from the French sauce tartare

But not steak tartare (raw hamburger); that was originally called steack à l'Americaine, served with tartar sauce; thus steak tartar.

I suggest asking your Tatar date out for Chinese instead.

The Penis Valley of Turkey

One of the lesser-known tourists attractions in Turkey is in Göreme, about five hours south of Ankara, an old Roman town in a dusty volcanic valley.

From most places in town, you can see the giant penises...um, I mean "fairy chimneys" created by rock erosion.

But for a better view, walk about a mile north of town to the Göreme Historical National Park (Göreme Tarihi Milli Parkı), to see hundreds of shafts, some so precisely like penises that you'll swear they were carved for that reason.

The Turkish government pretends that no one has ever noticed the connection, but savvy travelers refer to the park as the Valley of Love.

Christian monks began carving out cells in the penises...um, chimneys...beginning in the fourth century AD. By the 12th century, there were churches, too, decorated with beautiful frescoes that still survive (bring a flashlight -- there isn't much light).

No nudity in the frescoes; it was enough, apparently, to live inside a giant penis.

Although Göreme has a population of only 2,500, it is well set up for tourists, with lots of hotels carved into the caves.

Try the Fat Boys Bar -- not exactly gay, but cute waiters, hamburgers, and alcohol.

See also: A Bodybuilding Contest in Turkey;  and The Penis Cemetery of Iran.

10 More Public Penises of Islam

In your quest for public penises in the Islamic world, don't forget that most Muslims live far from the Arabic-countries of the Arabian Peninsula and North Africa, in Turkey, Iran, Central Asia, South Asia, and Indonesia.

1. Turkey is the most secular Muslim country in the world, with a large percentage of the population "culturally Muslim" but not observant. I spent a semester there in the spring of 1989, and found it no more homophobic than Texas in the U.S.

 The first president of the Turkish Republic, Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, tried hard to Westernize the country, which included introducing public art.  There's a lot of it, including many statues commemorating Ataturk himself.  Like the Monument of Great Triumph in Afyonkarahisar, about 100 miles from Ankara.

It's a nude, muscular Ataturk jumping over the bodies of his enemies.

2. Eskişehir, a two-hour drive north of Afyonkarahisar, is called the "City of Sculptures."  There are napping commuters, soccer players, turtles -- and this brawny fisherman.

3. Antalya, on the Southern Coast, features several more statues, including another of Ataturk, and this neoclassical figure of Attalu, mythical founder of the town.

 There are lots of real Graeco-Roman relics in Turkey, too, such as "The Runner" in the Archaeological Museum in Izmir.

4. Ahmet Bedevi (1899-1963), called the "Manisa Tarzan" was an environmentalist and eccentric who planted thousands of trees around Manisa, plus walked around nearly naked.  There is a nearly-naked statue to commemorate his work.

5. In Mersin, the War of Independence memorial is a naked, muscular torso carved into the stone face of a mountain.

More after the break

Spring 1989: A Bodybuilding Contest in Turkey

In September 1988, everything was going wrong.  I passed my qualifying exams for my Ph.D. in Comparative Literature, but my first committee nixed my dissertation topic, and my second committee was insisting that I llearn a new modern language.

My car was starting to fall apart from driving 100 miles per week in L.A. traffic.

Even with 3 jobs, I didn't make enough for USC tuition.  I owed $20,000 in student loans and my credit cards were maxed out.  I was thinking of bankrupcy.

Living in a gay ghetto, surrounded by 30,000 gay men, I hadn't had a relationship in months (Richard Dreyfuss  and the ex-boyfriend of President Reagan don't count.)

It was time for a change.



The Chronicle of Higher Education listed several job openings for the spring semester, including Bilkent University in Ankara, Turkey.

The Middle East!  I remembered my long-ago plan to "escape to Arabia" with my junior high boyfriend Dan, and Todd, the Lebanese boy who was my "first time."

And it would be a good base for trips to Greece, Egypt, Israel, and the Balkans.

They wanted a specialist in Victorian literature.  I hated Victorian literature.  No matter -- I said I was writing my dissertation on Dickens and Balzac, and got the job.

On January 16th, 1989, I flew with two suitcases and a box of books from Los Angeles to Washington DC, then to Munich, then to Ankara, where a dozen college boys were waiting for me.  They asked about my trip, grabbed my luggage, drove me to my tiny furnished apartment on the campus, and though I was jetlagged, made sure I got a tour of the city and a refrigerator-full of groceries.

What I liked about Turkey:

1. Turkish is not an Indo-European language, so there are few cognates, not even for common words like "car" and "restaurant."  How much of this menu can you figure out?  It was a lot of fun to study.

2. Visiting the Museum of Anatolian Civilizations, followed by iskender (lamb with tomato sauce and butter on pita) at the Uludag Kebabcisi

3. Whenever I needed anything, or even if I didn't, a dozen university students were eager to help.

4. Men and women were socially segregated, so it was not at all uncommon for a heterosexual man to spend all of his leisure hours with men

5. The Remzi Kitabevi (bookstore) had a huge English section.

6. Turkish homoerotic oil wrestling.

7. You could see Columbo, Star Trek, Head of the Class, and Perfect Strangers dubbed in Turkish.

8. There were lots of muscular, hirsute men who were not the least bit shy about physical contact.

9. Everyone was technically homophobic, but the homophobia was aimed at feminine or passive men, not same-sex activity itself.

Just as I noticed in India, cruising was everywhere: in the metro station, in the park, in the hamam (bathhouse).  Same-sex activity was an ordinary part of life for most men, their main sexual outlet before marriage, and often after.

10. Turkey invented bodybuilding, and nearly everyone I met competed in the Young Bodybuilders Clubs, the Gymnastics Association, or the Heavy Weight Lifting Association.  Like Halil, who had a girlfriend but still invited me to share his bed at a competition in Istanbul.

By the way, Kielbasa+, making him #8 on my Sausage List.

Why You Should Visit Turkey Next July

I have always hated playing sports, but if I have no choice, I'll pick wrestling: no projectiles hurling at your head, no teammates to get all huffy when you miss a point, just you and your opponent in revealing singlets straining against each other's bodies.  Some of my first homoerotic feelings came when I was on the wrestling team in junior high.  Later, at Indiana University, I learned about bokh, or Mongolian wrestling.

When I moved to West Hollywood, Ivo, the Bulgarian bodybuilder who was insanely jealous of Michael J. Fox, told me that he played an interesting variation, common in Turkey and parts of the Balkans: yağlı güreş, or oil wrestling.  

The players, called pehlivan, are naked except for leather pants (kisbet).  They grease up with olive oil, and try to throw each other.

Since they're all greasy, the only way to win is by putting your hand inside the other guy's kisbet -- you know, where his sex organs are.

It's as if the sport was deliberately designed to be homoerotic.

Knowing the Ottoman Empire, maybe it was.

Guys of all ages participate.  You don't need to be muscular, but it helps.

I saw a local tournament when I was in Turkey, but not the Kirkpinar, the national tournament held every year in June or July in Edirne, near the Bulgarian border.  If you want to go, book your hotel room far in advance; the town fills up fast.

I can see why.

(But be careful; Turkey is one of the most gay-friendly countries in the Middle East, which means extremely homophobic by European standards, and for Americans, about as homophobic as the rural South).

Papadopoulos & Sons: My Big Fat Gay Brother

If you haven't had enough of the "see how colorful and funloving the Greeks are!" yet, check out Papadopoulos & Sons (2012).  Millionaire Harry Papadopoulous (Stephen Dillane of Game of Thrones) loses everything, and he and his family (and accountant) have to seek refuge with his estranged brother Spiros (Georges Corriface), who runs the decrepit Three Brothers Fish & Chip Shop.  Expect lots of loud arguments, fish-out-of-water exploits, and a hetero romance between Harry's daughter and the son of the Turkish kebab shop down the block (Cesare Taurasi of The Borgias).

And not a lot of beefcake, though Frank Dillane and Georgia Groome (Harry's teenage children Frank and Kate) did this publicity shot.

And Georges Corriface (left) has appeared nude elsewhere.

It doesn't sound like there's any more gay content than in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

But, surprisingly, Spiros doesn't express significant heterosexual interest, and the numerous past problems and disagreements that the brothers relive can be taken as a history of homophobic rejection.

And an important subplot involves Harry trying to find a common ground with his teenage son James, a probably-gay plant enthusiast. Frank Dillane, by the way, played a gay-vague Tom Riddle, the teenage Voldemort, in the Harry Potter series and is rumored to be gay in real life.

As heartwarming, family-friendly fare goes, this is about as gay as it gets.

Turkish for Beginners: Gay Subtexts and Nudity

Turkisch fur Anfanger (Turkish for Beginners, 2006-2009) was sitcom airing on German PBS, about a blended family.

1. Psychotherapist Doris
2. Her children, Lena (who narrates), and gay-coded Nils (Emil Reinke).
2. Metin (Adnan Maral), a Turkish immigrant police officer

4. His children, devout Muslim Yagmur and wannabe gangster Cem (Elyas M'Barek, left).

Lots of "girls! girls! girls!" proclamations occur, as every one of the cast has to choose between two prospective hetero-romances: Lena is dating Axel, and Cem, who is dating both Lena and Ulla.

However, from the episodes I've seen, there are gay subtexts everywhere.  Nils crushes on Axel. Lena flirts with Yagmur.  Cem and his buddy Costa (Arnel Taci) are in love, and know it (kind of):

Cem: Have you ever said 'I love you'?
Costa: What are you implying, dude? We're just friends, aren't we?

There is also ample male nudity, including this frontal.

You can see episodes on youtube and Hulu.

The 2012 feature film Turkische fur Anfanger has the gang all meet when their plane crashes on a desert island.  Cem hooks up with Lena, and Costa with Yagmur, but I assume the gay subtexts are intact.

Too bad it's not playing in Turkey.