Gemstones Episode 3.3: Baby Billy sings forever, Kelvin can't say the word, BJ poses nude, and I'm depressed

 

This is the G-rated version of the review, with no nude photos or explicit sexual discussions.  

Link to the nude photos and explicit sexual discussions

In Episode 3, we meet Uncle Baby Billy, the Montgomery Boys join the family, and the marital problems are resolved.

Title: "For Their Nakedness is Your Own Nakedness." From Leviticus 18:10, ESV: "You shall not uncover the nakedness of your son's daughter or of your daughter's daughter, for their nakedness is your own nakedness." This is a prohibition of incest, specifically having sex with your grandchild. Where, in this episode, does anyone mention incest?  A review in the AV Club intreprets it as: the vulnerability of one member of the family is everyone's responsibility. "We're all in this together."

The Greek Chorus: The white-haired, grinning Baby Billy, dressed like a clam, sings"There will Come a Payday," while walking through the Gemstone resort, Zion's Landing.  He sings incessantly in a swimming pool area with absolutely no beefcake, while viewers grate their teeth and snarl "Get the f*k on with it."  Yes, we know he's a Greek Chorus, singing about the "payday" coming to the Gemstones.  We don't need ten minutes of it, in a show that is already squeezing in too many plotlines.

Finally, long after we put on the mute,  Baby Billy returns to his penthouse, where his very pregnant wife Tiffany and their three-year old son Lionel are watching the old game show Family Feud.  The Baby Billy/Tiffany plotline this season will be about trying to get the Gemstones to invest in a Christian-based Family Feud show, Baby Billy's Bible Bonkers.

Timeline problem: Tiffany had her first baby in the last episode of Season 2.  Now he's at least three years old.  But three years have not passed in the Gemstone universe.  

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"We don't like you":  The Montgomery Boys (Robert Oberst, top photo, Lukas Haas) in bathrobes in Eli's house, eating breakfast, discussing Peter's militia with Eli, May-May, and the siblings:

 Peter thinks that his sons and Gemstones tipped off the feds, so now he's gunning for all of them.  May-May wants the boys to come home with her, but they refuse: "We'd rather be homeless bums living under a bridge."  Or living in a mansion with a staff of 17?  

Afterwards, the siblings go down to the Aimee-Leigh memorial, discuss how much they hate their cousins, and give them the finger as they peer through an upstairs window.  Eli insists that they have a Cousin's Night and try to get along.  

The Redeemer: Amber brings a copy of her marital-problem System to BJ, who claims to be unaware of any problems between him and Judy.  Does everyone in the church know that Judy has been withholding sex? Or did Jesse tell Amber about the affair?

Meanwhile, Jesse and his youngest son Abraham head for the Gemstone garage to unwrap The Redeemer, the monster truck he used at the 2000 County Fair.  The Montgomery Boys, who happened to be passing by, are in awe, and ask if they can drive it. Nope. "We ain't cool cousins, and we never will be again."  

A Complete Lack of Knowing How to Fit into the World: Kelvin and the teens are making anti-smut posters in the parking garage outside the Salvation Center Stage, for some reason, when Keefe drives up in the Smut Busters van.  Kelvin flitters over, laying on the femme stereotypes, and says "Hey, Bud."  Keefe calls him "Bro."  This must be facade language: they are pretending to be buddies and co-pastors in front of the kids.

Keefe drove to an adult store and bought out their inventory.  Again, almost everything we see is marketed to gay men. 

"You've been having all the fun lately!" Kelvin exclaims, wishing that he could have been there to help pick out butt buzzers.  He does his usual titty-tweak display of affection, then reveals that his Daddy is forcing him to go to Cousins' Night with the Montgomerys.  They have "a complete lack of knowing how to fit into the world around them."  

Sounds exactly like Keefe!  He tries to guilt his way into an invitation.  

Wouldn't he be invited automatically?  He was admitted to the family as Kelvin's partner back in Season 2.  But maybe, to stay closeted, Kelvin only brings him to events where a lot of people are invited, like the dinners at Jason's Steakhouse and the Zion's Landing ground-breaking.  This is a family-only event, and not even the entire family.  It's limited to Montgomery cousins by blood or marriage.  If Kelvin brings Keefe, no one will be able to pretend that they are just coworkers or platonic pals. 

Keefe's bribes are: his special sausage dip and his "flames and swords."  The dip is served with crackers on a phallic dish.  Everything these guys do involves dicks. 

Let's look more closely at the "flames and swords."   Kelvin knows exactly what Keefe is talking about: he doesn't have to say "Remember that fire dance I performed that one time?"  He must perform it regularly, but you wouldn't do it for just one person, and the family has never seen it.  We can conclude that the guys are involved in the local gay community, attending gay events with sausage dip and Keefe's "flames and swords" 

Sadness and BJ's dick after the break

The Best Dude Friend of a Cousin Kerfluffle:  Kelvin is happy to invite him, but that's not enough. Keefe pushes him to name their relationship: "I ain't a cousin, though."  An odd way to put it; he means "not the Montgomerys' cousin."

"I know you're not a cousin," Kelvin responds.  "You're my b...best...dude...friend of a cousin."  He was starting to say "boyfriend," but couldn't say it, then tried "best friend," but couldn't say that either, since it is obviously not true. Why can't he say "boyfriend"?  Because they are in public with the teens nearby, or because he won't admit it to himself?

Notice the profound sadness in Kelvin's eyes.  He is in pain.  He is desperate to Say the Word, but he can't.  Why not?  

I see someone who has been closeted for so long that he must remain closeted, even in private.  Despite their forays into the local gay community, despire their wedding rings, despire sharing a house, a bed, and some "good buddy" sexual activity, he cannot admit that Keefe is his lover. Remember Leonard Bernstein's Mass:

What  I say, I don't feel.  

What I feel, I can't show.  

What I show, isn't real.

What is real?  Oh Lord, I don't know.

BJ and Judy are having problems of their own:   BJ is watching the instructional video for Amber's System. Now we see how it works: when you are tempted to say or do something wrong, you drop a blue or pink gemstone into the jar, and your spouse doesn't get hurt. But they'll know how often you've been thinking about it.   Judy enters and becomes irate over the implication that they need marital counseling.

Dig the well-hung BJ in the photograph over the mantle. It's hanging in the parlor, where they entertain company? Compare with the naked man on display in Kelvin and Keefe's dining room -- no visible penis.

We cut to the women's group, where Amber quotes Ruth's speech to Naomi and asks the women to think about "the commitment we have made to the people we love," implicitly validating same-sex marriages.   Judy bursts in and throws the System carton at her.  But they need the System, Amber insists, because "the decline is real," people aren't showing up, and the scandal of marital infidelity could destroy it altogether. What about the scandal of a gay youth minister living openly with his boyfriend in the Gemstone compound?

Next, the siblings, in their throne room...um, executive board room, reject Baby Billy's pitch for the Bible Bonkers game show.  

Timeline Problem: In Episode 3.2, the board room is still under construction, with Percy making rough sketches, on the same day the Montgomerys flee the militia.  Cousins' Night has to be just a few days later.  Percy works very fast!

The Night, and a lot of vulnerability, next.

The full review, with a lot of sex toys and nekkid guys is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends