Sweethearts: Thanksgiving romcom proving that there's gay life in rural Ohio, so don't move to New York

Link to the n*de dudes

Sweethearts, on MAX, is a rare Thanksgiving romcom about two best friends who are going to the same college but distance-dating their life partners: Ben is with Claire, still in high school.

Ben is played by Nico Hiraga, left, a former semi-pro skateboarder from San Francisco. He has appeared in Booksmart, Love in Taipei, Goodrich, and The Power.

His best friend Jamie, a girl (Kiernan Shipka), is with Simon (Charlie Hall, left), who is dumb as a fence post but got into Harvard on a football scholarship.  Say what? 

 The long distance relationships  aren't working out, so the two make a plan to break up with their partners when they all go home for Thanksgiving.  

Obviously they're going to get together or it wouldn't be a romcom.  I'm fast forwarding through their scenes to get to Palmer (Caleb Hearon), the flamboyantly feminine "third friend" pictured in the animated opening. He's probably the standard romcom gay best friend who facilitates the romance, but maybe he'll get a boyfriend of his own.

Correction: I'm also interested in Ben's college roommate Tyler, played by Zach Zucker , a "Bad Bi Boy Clown" -- literally. He trained for two years at the Ecole Philippe Gaulier.  

On his Facebook page, Zach notes that "Bi Visibility Day is cool because it forces all of the people who have caused you pain by denying your existence to look at your pics."  

His character is introduced smooching a girl in bed, but maybe he's bi:

He looks at Ben's fake id and comments: "I'll go out with you.  Just kidding."

Ben has his hands full, so he asks Tyler to take his cell phone from his pocket.  "Whoops, wrong phone.  Just kidding."  

He seems to be dancing with Ben in the closing party scene.

And that's just when  I paused the fast-forwarding.

Paris: "Third Friend" Parker is introduced at Minute 15, calling the duo, wearing a striped shirt and beret, sitting in front of an image of the Eiffel Tower.  He took a gap year after high school to move to Paris, and he is working at a fast-food place near Euro Disney.  Why would visitors to Euro Disney want to see fast-food workers in clichéd French costumes?  

He announces that he is no longer "vaguely pretending to be straight." Really?  Who would think you were straight after talking to you for 30 seconds? 

He'll be coming out to a select group of former classmates at a party at his house on the night before Thanksgiving.

More after the break, including a rural Ohio gay community.  Caution: explicit.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles: On the day before Thanksgiving, Palmer is in his room -- plastered with pictures of him and a girl -- practicing his coming-out speech ("I'm a homosexual.  Anybody got a problem with that?"), while Ben and Jaimie face endless mishaps trying to get home.  They call and ask Palmer to go to the big football game.  The partners will want to go to an after party, but he must distract them and bring them to his house for big breakup speeches.  Isn't he planning a party of his own that night?

He attends the game -- ugh -- and convinces the partners to come to his house for the big party. Surprise -- he didn't invite anyone else!  So you weren't planning to come out to any of your high school friends? 

The partners get bored, so he gives them a bottle of absinthe, which smashes them.  When he goes upstairs for a moment, they escape.

He finds them on a crosswalk -- Simon thinks that it's a ladder, and is trying to climb it sideways -- thus obstructing traffic, including the car of the high school football coach (Trammell Tillman).  He must be on his way home from the big game.

The Diner: The Coach piles the drunken partners into his car and drives Caleb to a diner, so they can get some food to counteract the alcohol.  He introduces Palmer to the server, Lukas (Miles Gutierrez-Riley), who won't be coming out tonight because he has to close. "Don't have too much fun without me."  Hey, are these guys gay?

On the way out, Palmer grooves on the Coach's backside and his Pride flag cell phone. So Palmer is a top.

Besties Ben and Jaimie, meanwhile, have made it back to town, but Palmer's house is empty, so they head for the after-party to look for the partners, and have wacky adventures trying to get in.  

They bring the partners to the Coach's house to dry out. Palmer asks: "If you're gay, why do you livei n rural Ohio? Why aren't you living in L.A. or New York, where you're not forced to live a lie?"  My question, too.  Why didn't you escape?

The Coach argues that he's not living a lie.  He brings his boyfriend to all of the faculty functions. All of his football players know. In a high school coach in rural Ohio?  And he's not fired?  

But Palmer didn't know. He thought he was the only gay guy in town. Wait -- he was in drama club. He starred in "Pippin."  And he has the internet, to look up local resources.

You Won't Need Shoes:  The Coach wants to take Parmer somewhere.  He complains that he's wearing two different shoes, but not to worry, "where we're going, you won't need shoes."  

Ulp-- a bathhouse?  No, a bowling alley, where the Queer Bowling League happens to meet every Wednesday night. 

The Coach introduces Palmer to his boyfriend, Ethan (Joel Kim Booster), who surmises that Palmer is miserable in Paris.  How could anyone be miserable in Paris?  Well, the tv shows are awful, but every bar has a back room, there are shwarma carts on every corner, and...the Louvre. 

Every gay guy wants to flee their small town for a gay mecca.  Ethan went to New York to become a model and snort cocaine, but he was "spiritually empty and completely lost."  He wanted to do something that mattered, so he moved home, became a firefighter, and started dating the Coach.  Good thing there's no racism or homophobia in rural Ohio.  

Ethan continues: Big Cities are not the only place you can be gay.  OMG, this is a Christmas romcom, where the Big City girl leaves her high-power career for the joy of a small town, except no one has yet asked Palmer for a date. Yet.

Palmer notes that he hasn't had the opportunity to come out yet, except to his two besties, so they bring him to the firehouse and let him ride on a cherry-picker to shout out to the world that he's gay.

The House Party: Discovering that their partners are not at the after-party, besties Ben and Jaimie try a house party.  Everyone reunites, and the break-up conversations go as schedule.  The two besties also have an argument and break up.

Meanwhile, Palmer notices that Kurt (Sage Ftacek) called a guy "babe," so he tries to start a conversation: "Hi. I'm gay."

"I'm Kurt. Do you know anything about cooking?"

"No."  

He rushes off to the back yard, where they're going to try to cook a turkey in the bonfire.

But not to worry: Lukas from the Diner comes to the house party looking for Palmer.  They hold hands and watch straight guys take their shirts off.

Next comes a montage of the besties feeling miserable at Thanksgiving, then reconciling, but just as friends, and going to a party together back on campus.

 Meanwhile, Palmer decides to start college at Brown rather than returning to Paris, and he goes to a gay Thanksgiving at the Coach's house.

In a Vanity Fair article, Caleb Hearn has a message for queer Midwesterners: "Don't move to New York. There really are gay people who live really happy, exciting, successful, artistic, creative, interesting lives in the middle of the country."

Now, if only someone would tell high school students that.

See also: Sage Ftacek: "Sweethearts" Short Brigade stud with a BFA, some Tiktok videos, and a d*ck

 Industry: 5 backsides, three d*cks, and three chests of the top moneymakers of London.  With a Joel Kim Booster photo.

The Other Two Episode 3.8: The guy from "AP Bio" tries to bond with an especially jerky Cary.  And you can't go home to Ohio again,.

Richie Rich joins a gym. With bonus Rory and Kieran Culkin and Kelvin Gemstone comics, and some Ohio in there somewhere.