Travis Turner: Short Guy Brigade, gay subtexts, cutesy cartoons, Christmas romcoms, and hip-hop. With n*de photos and Drake Bell

Link to the n*de dudes

In Final Destination: Blood Legacy (2025), a 1960s Elevator Operator encourages the soon-to-be-skewered couple to squeeze into his already overcrowded elevator, in a scene reminiscent of the "Room for one more, honey" episode of The Twilight Zone.  Then, when things start crashing, he tries to take everyone down the elevator again -- and ends up splattered. 

Look at this guy! He's shorter than Noah Bromley, who plays the evil Penny-Throwing Kid.  Of course I've got to research him.

He's Travis Turner, born in Oliver, British Columbia, in 1987,  raised in nearby Penticton in the Sylix Okangan Nation, although he doesn't mention being First Nation.  Cody Kearsley, Moose in the Riverdale series, is from Oliver also.  Maybe they knew each other.

After high school Travis painted oil rigs and sold vacuum cleaners, then moved to Vancouver to study film at Langara College.  He received his diploma in 2009.  .

He appeared in a lot of shorts in 2009-2010, such as "Henchin'," "Scars," "Snow Tramp," and "Dream a Little Dream," plus the Vancouver-based  Easter Bunny Bloodbath (2010), as one of the victims of a psycho-killer dressed as the Easter Bunny.  Here he appears in an illustration in the novelization.  There was a novelization?

Travis' first high-profile role was in a 2010 episode of Caprica, the Battlestar Galactica spin-off.  He played Ashok, a resident of a virtual world who briefly interacts with Tamara and Heracles ( Richard Harmon).

According to the IMDB, Travis is best known for Final Destination: Blood Lines (2025).

A 2024 episode of Wild Cards, a Canadian police procedural featuring a "will they or won't they" couple, Max (a lady) and Cole (Giacomo Gianniotti).  They investigate a missing butcher in a small town, and find a murderous cult.  Travis plays Daryl, who doesn't appear in the plot synopsis.

A 2023 episode of Upload, where you can be uploaded to a virtual afterlife when you die (if they get to your body right away).  Focus couple Nora and Nathan (Robbie Ammell) have returned to the real world, look for jobs, and discover that Nathan has a duplicate (apparently you can return to the real world multiple times).  Travis plays Tom, who does not appear in the episode synopsis.

The anime Dead Dead Demons Dededede Destruction (2024): Two high schoolers (a boy and a girl, of course) face an alien invasion.  He voices the English dub of Makato Tainuma, a boy who dresses in girls' clothes.  According to TV Tropes, he denies being gay or trans; he just wants to look cute. 

Some Assembly Required (2014-16), a Nickelodeon teencom starring Kolton Stewart as a teenager who becomes CEO of a toy company, and hires all of his friends. Travis played Aster Vanderburg, the snobbish, snarky, fashion-obsessed head of the Design Department (named after the Gilded Age Mrs. Aster).  He's gay-coded for 45 episodes before queerbaiting viewers with The Girl of His Dreams.

More after the break

Danny Pintauro: When the former "Who's the Boss" star is outed, Hollywood turns (more) homophobic. With HIV awareness and n*de photos (of adults)

   

In the 1990s, actors who came out, or who were outed, usually ended their career. Especially teenagers: they had to face casting agents, directors, and showrunners who hated gay people, or who believed that they could not play heterosexuals believably, and there were no gay roles.  

Neil Patrick Harris survived by playing homophobic parodies of himself.  

Glenn Scarpelli dropped out of acting long before he came out.

Danny Pintauro was not so lucky.

Born in Milltown, New Jersey, near Rutgers University, in 1976, he began acting and modeling at age two, and appeared on screen beginning at age seven in a three-episode story arc as the son of the unscrupulous financier James Stenbeck on the soap As The World Turns,  

Next came dramatic turns in Cujo (1983), the adaption of the Stephen King novel about a rabid dog; and The Beniker Gang (1984), about a family of orphans trying to stick together (with Andrew McCarthy as the head Beniker) 

In 1984 Danny was cast on Who's the Boss (1984-92) as Jonathan, the sweet, soft preteen son of wealthy businesswoman Angela Bower (Judith Light), who hires a male housekeeper (Tony Danza).  

After I moved to West Hollywood, I didn't watch much -- Tony rarely took off his shirt, and in 196 episodes there were only three jokes:

1. A macho straight guy does women's work, har har.

2. Grandma (Katherine Helmond) is interested in men har har.

3. "Will they or won't they?"  There is no reason why Tony and Angela couldn't start dating in the second episode, but they resist and resist, while family, friends, and viewers become more and more exasperated.  They don't get together until Season 8!

As Danny moved into his teen years, the writers tried to make him absurdly girl crazy, like every other  teenage boy on tv at the time, but he was so femme, sashaying and swishing across the stage, that it didn't seem believable, so they gave him weird plotlines like taking up the accordion and stealing a hubcap from a police car.  Danny recalls that his costars were supportive, but the showrunners "obviously didn't want me there." 

After Who's the Boss ended in 1992, Danny enrolled at Middlesex County College and then Stanford University, planning to become a veterinarian -- until he failed chemistry and changed his major to theater. But in 1997, a National Enquirer photographer caught him kissing a guy, and called him for comment.  He thought of denying that it was him, or demanding that they not print the article, but finally he agreed to an interview.  

The result was banner-headline controversy. Most of his former costars offered public support (I've read conflicting accounts of Tony Danza's reaction), and fan esponse was generally positive; but everyone agreed that the gay former child star would never appear on TV again.  

In a 2003 episode of Will and Grace, Karen Walker steals Danny's wallet, so he tracks her down and attacks -- off camera.  They didn't even consider asking him to play himself.

Danny graduated from Stanford in 1998 and moved to New York, where the theater scene was supposedly less homophobic.  But no one wanted to cast a former tv...ugh...actor, especially not the subject of a media firestorm -- audiences would be too distracted.  He played a hustler who gets involved in a bisexual three way in The Velocity of Gary (2000), and then nothing until the Joan Crawford parody Mommie Querest in 2012.  He waited tables, briefly managed a restaurant, and sold Tupperware.  

He partied hard, became a drug addict, and had unprotected activity, resulting in HIV seroconversion (diagnosed in 2003). 

More after the break. 

Jonathan Bennett: From Mean Girl to the King of Gay Christmas. Plus his d*ck, his husband, and a bonus Buddy backside

 

Link to the n*de dudes

A new d*ck pick of Jonathan Bennett popped up on one of my celebrity sites, so I checked out his Instagram to see if he was a good candidate for a profile.

Whoa, what a surprise. You can usually identify a gay actor from his social media posts (I only check Instagram and Facebook).  Straight guys begin their taglines with "married to the most incredibly gorgeous woman in the world" and post 3,000 pictures of the two holding hands, kissing, going to formal events, celebrating holidays, and discussing how much they love each other.  Gay guys keep  mum; they post a lot of photos with women, and maybe one in a hundred with their boyfriend, but they don't tell us who he is.  Even when they are out; I guess they don't want the homophobic pushback.

Take Buddy Keaton: The first 40 posts on his Instagram display no men at all, but 15 show him hugging, kissing, being licked by, and going to the beach with women.

He also invites us to gaze at his rear (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends),  but you have to really read between the lines to deduce gay identity from that. 

But Jonathan Bennett: the first 40 posts on his Instagram mention his husband 13 times and show him 10 times (including two kissing shots).

So who is this guy who is so completely out in an era where most gay guys closet their social media?

1. He's been around forever

Jonathan grew up in Rossford, Ohio, a suburb of Toledo, and got a few on-screen gigs while studying drama at Otterbein College.  Six months after graduating, he was in New York, playing bad boy JR Chandler on the soap All My Children (2001-02).

He played Aaron Samuels, football jock (of course) who is fought over by Cady and Regina in Mean Girls (2004).

The teenage Bo Duke, who joins forces with his teenage cousin Luke (Randy Wayne) to save Uncle Jesse's farm in the Dukes of Hazzard prequel, The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007).

More after the break

Aidan Merwarth: Finn's wannabe boyfriend, pencil company exec, juvenile delinquent, brat. With 3 d*cks and inconclusive social media

Link to the n*de dudes

In Season 2 of Unprisoned, gay-coded Finn (Faly Rakotohavana) and his family go to group therapy. Mom complains  that he spends all day online, not interacting with anyone in real life, so he'll never "fall in love, get married, and have a nice life."  I'm not getting into the assumption that you have to be married to have a nice life.  The therapist assigns Finn to "make a friend," presumably a friend that he could fall in love with.

He invites Spencer (Aidan Merwarth) to his room, but doesn't want to play video games or watch tv or anything.  Dude, if you're not going to make out with him, at least give him something to do.

Spencer plays with his phone for awhile, gets bored, calls Finn a "baby" (you wanted a real man?), and leaves.  He re-appears at the college fair to taunt Finn again.  Well, can you blame him?  Dude thought he was going to at least get some smooching.

Finn remains gay-vague, his s&xual identity unconfirmed through two seasons.  

I wanted to know about this guy who is playing a gay subtext or maybe gay-text teenager.

He was born in July 2002, so as of this writing he's 22 years old. He's from San Antonio, and homeschooled, which means either he's a fundamentalist Christian, or he goes on so many auditions that he has no time for school. 

 

He has 133 friends on Facebook.  

He's an acrobatic gymnast.  In 2015, at the International Acro Cup in Poland. Aidan and his sister Devon won second place in the mixed pair 11-16 age range

He attended the Los Angeles Film School, graduating with a B.S. in Animation in 2025.

He has eight acting credits on the IMDB.

A Girl Named Jo (2019). on Brat TV, features two girls trying to unravel a mystery at Attaway High School in 1963.  Aidan appears in four episodes as Felix, apparently Jo's boyfriend.

Another Brat TV series, Crazy Fast (2019), has a group of outsiders join the track team at Attaway High. Colin McCalla (n*de picture on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) stars.  Aidan plays Eamon, a runner "whose past with Rowan threatens everything."

Another straight guy, darn it.

The Forgotten Place is a short about Eric (Jeff Locker), who wants a friend.  He finds one (Brian Flaccus), but apparently he means a platonic friendship.

In Saving Paradise (2021), a "ruthless corporate executive" (William Moseley) has to return to his small town when he inherits his father's struggling pencil factory. At Christmastime.  He has to save it and win The Girl (named Charlie, just to fool you into thinking there's a gay romance).

So Paradise is a pencil factory?  I guess it beats saving the annual Christmas festival.  Aidan plays the  rutless corporate executive as a teenager, already in love with The Girl.

But a pencil factory?  When was the last time you used a pencil?  Or saw one?

More after the break

Noah Centineo: The Boyfriend of your Dreams, with five butts, three bulges, one d*ck, and no gay characters.

  

Link to the N*de Dudes

I've used stills from Noah Centineo's adult video as illustrations twice, but I don't know who he is, only that he filled in when Jake T. Austin left The Fosters. So, time to do some research.

He was born in 1996, and first appeared on screen with a kids' film, The Golden Retrievers, in 2008.

He appeared in three episodes ofAustin & Allie, the first Disney Channel teencom to feature a canonical gay character, but he didn't play the gay character.

More guest spots on teencoms like Marvin Marvin and Shake It Up, and then his first starring role, How to Build a Better Boy, 2014.  He plays Jaden, the jock that science nerd Mae is crushing on, so she builds a cyber boyfriend to help win him. Matt Shively, left, plays her brother.

There's some some adult pictures in SPF-18, 2017, but it's not Noah, it's Jackson White, a depressed musician.  The focus character has to choose between Jackson and Noah, who is mourning the death of his father.  It gets a 3.3 rating on Rotten Tomatoes, probably because it is advertised as a romantic comedy, but is actually a depressing angst-fest.  

After 53 episodes of The Fosters, 2015-2018, Noah starred in To All the Boys I've Loved Before, 2018, but he's not the one loving the boys.  He's the Love Interest of focus character Lana, whose letters to her secret crushes are made public, destroying her life. 

In Sierra Burgess is a Loser, 2018, loser Sierra gets the help of the school's It-Girl to win the Boy of Her Dreams, Noah.  It also stars Will Peltz, left, as Spence, the It-Girl's boyfriend who dumps her.

More after the break

Jake Satow: Saving Christmas, a Christian horse, a nonbinary internet celebrity, and the guy from "Baywatch"

Link to the n*de dudes

I was looking for actors who played nonbinary characters, and the name "Jake Satow" popped up.  Never heard of him, but he's attractive, so I checked the listing on IMDB.

He has 18 acting credits.  The most recent is Saving Christmas Spirit, 2022.  

How many times does that holiday need saving?

Spoiler alert: Christmas Spirit is a store that needs saving.  Jake plays a teenager who gets a girlfriend.

Adeline, 2022, is about a horse that heals people in a small town.  I swear, I'm not making this up.  Presumably a Christian movie, since one of the IMDB reviews says something like "Stop the insanity. The Bible isn't real." 

It stars 1980s hunks John Schneider from The Dukes of Hazzard, bottom photo, and David Chokachi from Baywatch.

Jake had a busy 2022.  Other roles include Howard Hunt's son in Gaslit,  which has a maddenly misleading title.  You expect the gaslit Victorian era, with hanson cabs clattering down cobblestone streets.  It's about Watergate.

Hockey Trophy Jake in Breathing Happy, about a recovering drug addict celebrating his first year of sobriety on Christmas Day, naturally. Other characters are named the Mysterious Door, the Golden Door, and Salvation Elf.  Another Christian movie, I imagine. 

Christian Holmes at age 14 in The Dropout, about a woman dropping out of college to start a tech company that revolutionalizes the health care industry.  Christian Holmes at age adult is her husband.

This is all terribly heteronormative. 

Before 2022, Jake was starring in a lot of shorts: a clown with marital problems, the morning announcements at a middle school, an alarm clock going off an hour early, dad dying, and Christmas.  They all have about the same cast, so I'm guessing local productions.

His website lists a theatrical production, The Honorary Counsel, performed with the actors in Zoom rooms, plus modeling on runways for Columbus Fashion Week and for Macy's and Homage.  

No indication of nonbinary, trans, or otherwise LGBTQ roles.  Maybe in real life?

Jake has 17,000 followers on Instagram.  His profile says says "Christian"...uh-oh, probably homophobic... SAG/AFTRA....The Dropout, and Saving Christmas Spirit.

More after the break

Corey Sevier: "Lassie," something about monkeys, a Greek god, a yoga mogul, and a lot of Christmas romcoms. And maybe Peter Brady

 

Link to the n*de photos

You might remember Canadian actor Corey Sevier from the 1997-98 reboot of Lassie.  I never saw it, or the original (1954-74): the melancholy "lost dog" intro is depressing, and who wants to watch a "dog in peril" series?  

I didn't see Summer of the Monkeys (1998), either.  A guy on the Canadian prairie in 1910 adopts four monkeys so he'll have enough money to buy a horse?  Sorry, I went to see Star Trek: Insurrection instead.

Corey's next role of note was Black Sash (2003): a disgraced ex-cop runs a martial arts dojo for teens.  It only lasted for seven episodes.

And North Shore (2004-2005), a Fox sleaze soap opera about women walking around in bikinis at a hotel in Hawaii.  There were some cute guys, too, but this shot will give you an idea of what you had to endure to see them. 

An annoyingly heterosexist entry into young adulthood.

Some minor "show your pecs" roles followed, like Aquaman (2006), with Justin Hartley as the teenager with superpowers, and Surf School (2006), which gives teens who have no surfing experience a week to learn what they need to win the championship.  Say what?

In this shot from Gospel of Deceit (2006), it looks like Corey is in bed with a guy wearing shorts, but the plot synopsis on the IMDB says that a preacher's wife (Alexandra Paul) is having an affair with handyman 

I checked the original movie: It's Alexandra Paul, who uses she/her pronouns.  Lady definitely has a masculine gender presentation: tricepts, no breasts, a man's haircut.

The first movie with Corey that I actually saw was The Immortals (2011): I was drawn in by the Greek gods, everyone from Zeus (Luke Evans) to Poseidon (Kellan Lutz).  Corey played Apollo.  Of course, the story was ridiculous, with no connection to any Greek myth.

Bonus: Matthew G. Taylor as the King's Guard

The IMDB says that Corey is known for Conduct Unbecoming (2011): a soldier is charged with killing civilians in Afghanistan. Of course I wouldn't see that.

In Awaken (2012), Corey meets the Girl of His Deams.  The only problem: she's dead.

And The Northlander (2016), which sounds like Mad Max: crazy-looking people travel through a post-Apocalyptic desert in search of something or other.

Two episodes of Psych: 

Brody, a contestant on a dating game

The model Bryan Frou, who might be gay. A Corey first!

More after the break

"Christmas on Repeat": "Groundhog Day" romcom with Matthew Lawrence, Peter Pan, a bodybuilder, and some other stuff

 

Link to the n*de dudes

After successfully finding a gay romance tucked into the final scene of Falling for Christmas, I decided to check out some other recent Christmas movies to see if a gay character snuck in under the noses of the homophobes.  First up,  Christmas on Repeat, because it features one of those day-keeps-repeating plotlines, and Matthew Lawrence (sigh), one of the trio of muscle-hunk brothers who brightened the 2000s.  

Scene 1: Andrea has fallen asleep at the office again, because she's a workaholic, but not to worry, her assistant got presents for her husband and kids, and arranged for bonuses for the office staff.  On her way out, her boss, Nick (Matthew Lawrence, sigh) stops her: they have to shoot a commercial tomorrow, and the guy in charge of the account is taking Christmas off, so... No fair!  Why don't you do it?

She calls her husband, John (Gary Poux), to say she's on the way home.  He is upset, because that means she will want to cook breakfast, and she's an awful cook.  Wait, how is she going to fall in love with Nick?  Maybe she's just the conduit, and Nick will be the one who falls in love.

Also, the "not being home for Christmas" thing, which he has heard before.

Scene 2: She stops to buy some groceries -- the supermarket parking lot is empty on Christmas Eve?  And the donation-collecting Santa Claus knows her name.  Creepy.  He points out that there will be a shooting star tomorrow night with "off the charts" magic.

Scene 3: At home, she greets her teenage children. Lexi, who looks like a 30-year old supermodel, has a new dance routine -- this is depressing, as Andrea and her husband used to dance, before she got too busy. 

And Matt (JJ Whyte) decided not to stay overnight with his friend Ryder.  Tell me more about your "friend," dude.

Back story: Lexi is from Andrea's first marriage, Matt from this one.  I guess they want to explain why Lexi is so melanin-deprived.  Or they could have found a 30-year old African-American supermodel.

Scene 4: Andrea works on her laptop until late, and goes to bed after Hubbie is already asleep.  Don't worry, I won't say anything about the BBC she's missing out on.

Scene 5: Here are the things she does wrong on Christmas day:

1. She doesn't recognize her son Matt's friends

2. She is unaware that he has stopped being interested in basketball

3. She tries to make pancakes, but sets the kitchen on fire.  Not being able to cook is apparently a major sin in this world.  Maybe this movie is pushing the nuclear family myth, where Dad works and Mom stays home to cook. 

4. She doesn't stop the "Clean, Green, and Prestine" actress and director Paul (Terry Woodberry) from sniping and quitting.  

Director Paul yells at the actress, she quits, and then he quits.  And gets heterosexualized by mentioning his wife.  Darn.  

"Falling for Christmas": Lindsay Lohan's Boyfriend Gets a Boyfriend in a Ski-Resort Romcom

Most Christmas romcoms depict a woman living a gloriously glitzy life in a big city, getting stuck in a small town for the Holidays, and falling in love with it -- and with a working class guy who lives there.  Coincidentally, 'tis the season where millions of people who have escaped to the City return to their horrible small towns to sleep in their old beds, spend hours talking to people who love everything they hate, and count the minutes until they can get back on that airplane.  Are these movies supposed to convince them to stay?  

Falling for Christmas substitutes poor- and -rich ski resorts for the small town and big city (there are poor ski resorts?).  It reputedly has a gay character, so I'll check it out.     

Scene 1. Lindsay Lohan, who I feel like I should know from something, awakens in her glitzy hotel room in a mountain resort.  Lots of other glitterati are arriving, including two hot guys getting out of a Lamborghini -- are they the gay characters?   Girls in swimsuits show us their butts in a heated balcony-pool.  And there are skiiers.  

Scene 2: Lindsay's boyfriend Tad (George Young, top photo), on the way to the resort, tells her to just say no to her dad. Back story: Dad, hotel magnate Beauregard Belmont (1980s soap hunk Jack Wagner), wants her to take a job as Vice President of Atmosphere (involving, I assume, decor, not oxygen). Guest Services Manager Terry and his "Glam Squad" arrive to do her makeup and hand-feed her caviar and wine.  

Meanwhile, "poor boy" Jake Russell (Chord Overstreet) asks Dad to invest in his struggling lodge next door.  Beginning skiiers choose discount lodges, and then move up to the big time as they improve, so investing in it will actually create some customers for Dad's mega-lodge.  He says no anyhow.

Scene 3:  Exterior shot past the girl-butts in the balcony-pool to Lindsay and the Glam Squad walking through the lobby in slow motion.  Poor Boy Jake, busy on the phone telling someone that Dad didn't buy it, spills his hot chocolate on her for a classic meet-cute.   Boyfriend, who has just arrived, complains that her couture is ruined. 

Scene 4: Having changed, Lindsay has breakfast with Dad and Boyfriend, whom Dad disapproves of.  Well, he works as a social media influencer.  Wouldn't you be leery of him dating your heiress daughter?

Meanwhile, Jake returns to the North Star Lodge next door, which looks quite elegant.  Back story: He's a widow with a young daughter, and a mother-in-law hanging around to help out, sort of like a 1960s sitcom.  And the resort will close after this season,  unless they get "a Christmas miracle."  He gloomily throws his business plan in the trash and recalls how much he loved his dead wife.

Scene 5: Lindsay tries to tell Dad that she doesn't want the hotel job, but she's distracted by a snow-globe belonging to her mother, Dad's dead wife, who died when she was five years old.  They discuss how much they loved her.  Dude, it's been at least 20 years, and you haven't dated anyone else?

More after the break

"Christmas on the Square": Be grateful that you haven't seen this movie. With Josh Serrano, Treat Williams, and random n*de dudes

Usually I stay away from Christmas romcoms that preach how wonderfully fulfilling small towns are, as opposed to those soulless, heartless monstrosities, big cities, because I grew up in a small town.  My parents rhapsodized, almost daily, about my destiny: find The Girl of My Dreams,  get married, go to work in the factory, buy a house, have kids, die.  There were no other options.  There was no escape. 

Link to NSFW review

They, my other relatives, my teachers, my preacher, and my friends, everyone, without exception, eagerly awaited the moment when I would "discover girls," understand that the sole purpose of life was to gaze into Her eyes forever.  The interrogation began in junior high, and became louder and more demanding in high school: "What girl do you like?  What girl do you like?  What girl?  What girl?  What girl?"  

There was no such thing as same-sex desire or romance.  You spent time with boys in order to talk about girls or strategize on how to get girls.  When you found Her, you would abandon male loves, instantly and without hesistation.  They were trivial, steps on the road to the Girl of Your Dreams destiny.

I kept looking for a place where I could be escape, where I could go through an entire day without the "What girl?  What girl? What girl?" interrogation.  Where people cared about beauty, wisdom, and love, not just reproduction.  Maybe even recognized the existence of men loving men. 

After college, I lived West Hollywood, New York, Fort Lauderdale, and Minneapolis.  Bookstores, art museums, cathedrals, Ethiopian restaurants, Thai restaurants, stores with rainbow flags in the windows, guys holding hands as they walked down the street: heaven.    

Oh, sorry, you wanted me to review the movie.  

Christmas on the Square was written by gay icon Dolly Parton, and stars gay icon Christine Baranski, plus Josh Segarra, who has played gay characters several time (he even played RuPaul's boyfriend). Furthermore, Dolly promotes the movie in an interview in Pink News, the gay magazine.  Surely this is a gay-positive Christmas romcom.  So here goes:

Scene 1:  A sound-stage town square in the town of Prairie View, with folks making merry.  Some very hot guys rush past, doing a high-step dance number -- but they ruin it by double-taking, en masse, at the hot girl who walks by.  At the end of their dance, they pair off, each boy with a girl.  Yuck!  This is the same brainwashing  I grew up with: "Every boy will fall in love with a girl!  There's no way out, no escape!  You are doomed!" 

A car drives past, with the evil, sunglasses-wearing Christine Baranski.  She sings: "Forget the past, be free at last, gotta get out of this town."  I like her -- she's the voice of thousands of LGBT people growing up in homophobic small towns, longing for a place where they can be free.  Of course, she's the villain. 

Amid the dancing, frolicking characters, the white-haired guy who runs the general store, no doubt Christine's Love Interest (played by Treat Williams, left) sings that "lovers walk in pairs." We only see male-female lovers.

 Focus character Felicity drives up and greets the stereotyped 1950s mailman.  She's the assistant of evil Christine Baranski, who continues to sing: "I know in time I'll lose my mind, if I don't get out of this town."  I had the same thought many times, back in Rock Island amid the "what girl do you like? what girl? what girl? what girl?" interrogation!

I'm getting angry.  They should have a trigger warning for all LGBT people who get trapped into viewing this thing.

More after the break, if you dare

"Happiest Season": Christmas romcom with a lesbian couple, pansexual Patrick, Jake's junk, and Candy Cane Lane

Link to the n*de photos

Happiest Season, on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas."  The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.  

But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, pansexual Patrick of Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.

Opening:  They're a lesbian couple!  The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together.  They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."

Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane.  A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment."  A pedophilia joke?   The ladies are taking the tour.  The brunette asks the blonde, if she hates it.  No, but she's just not a Christmas person. 

 The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper.  Somebody goofed --  Harper absolutely has to be the rich one.  It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie. 

Blondie doesn't like Christmas?  A major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat!  Girlfriend argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Abby stands firm.

Next Brunette drags her to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights.  "Now you love it, right?"  Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.

They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them.  They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away.  The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.

Brunette has an idea: she asks Blondie to come to her parents' house for the holidays.  Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas.   She agrees.  They kiss for like five minutes. 

What happened to Herb Flack and Otis?  You can't name characters and then have them not appear.  We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.

Scene 2:  The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh.  Blondie works as a pet sitter?  Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk."  Uh-oh.  

It's nothing bad.  She just wanted to say that she got a substitute pet-sitter, John, so she can go.  Um...the first rule of fiction, even in frothy gay-positive fiction: there has to be conflict.

Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions.  Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas  with the ladies and the parents.  I thought he was Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.   

John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.  

Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends.  This will become important later.

In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her.  John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?

Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.

Scene 3:  Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness.  You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?

Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying.  They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate."  So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a boy in 15 years, and you're  living with a woman. Girl, they know.

And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner.  Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.

Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect.

When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart.  But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:

Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together.  The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."

Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.

Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret. 

 Pop Quiz: What happens next?

1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.

2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.

3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner

4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.

5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.

Answers after the break.  

Sweethearts: Thanksgiving romcom proving that there's gay life in rural Ohio, so don't move to New York

Link to the n*de dudes

Sweethearts, on MAX, is a rare Thanksgiving romcom about two best friends who are going to the same college but distance-dating their life partners: Ben is with Claire, still in high school.

Ben is played by Nico Hiraga, left, a former semi-pro skateboarder from San Francisco. He has appeared in Booksmart, Love in Taipei, Goodrich, and The Power.

His best friend Jamie, a girl (Kiernan Shipka), is with Simon (Charlie Hall, left), who is dumb as a fence post but got into Harvard on a football scholarship.  Say what? 

 The long distance relationships  aren't working out, so the two make a plan to break up with their partners when they all go home for Thanksgiving.  

Obviously they're going to get together or it wouldn't be a romcom.  I'm fast forwarding through their scenes to get to Palmer (Caleb Hearon), the flamboyantly feminine "third friend" pictured in the animated opening. He's probably the standard romcom gay best friend who facilitates the romance, but maybe he'll get a boyfriend of his own.

Correction: I'm also interested in Ben's college roommate Tyler, played by Zach Zucker , a "Bad Bi Boy Clown" -- literally. He trained for two years at the Ecole Philippe Gaulier.  

On his Facebook page, Zach notes that "Bi Visibility Day is cool because it forces all of the people who have caused you pain by denying your existence to look at your pics."  

His character is introduced smooching a girl in bed, but maybe he's bi:

He looks at Ben's fake id and comments: "I'll go out with you.  Just kidding."

Ben has his hands full, so he asks Tyler to take his cell phone from his pocket.  "Whoops, wrong phone.  Just kidding."  

He seems to be dancing with Ben in the closing party scene.

And that's just when  I paused the fast-forwarding.

Paris: "Third Friend" Parker is introduced at Minute 15, calling the duo, wearing a striped shirt and beret, sitting in front of an image of the Eiffel Tower.  He took a gap year after high school to move to Paris, and he is working at a fast-food place near Euro Disney.  Why would visitors to Euro Disney want to see fast-food workers in clichéd French costumes?  

He announces that he is no longer "vaguely pretending to be straight." Really?  Who would think you were straight after talking to you for 30 seconds? 

He'll be coming out to a select group of former classmates at a party at his house on the night before Thanksgiving.

More after the break, including a rural Ohio gay community.  Caution: explicit.

"Dashing in December": Campy Christmas romcom with a Big City Money Dude and a hunky ranch hand, but no Neil Patrick Harris

 

I was recommended Dashing in December, a Christmas romcom advertised on Amazon Prime as a tv series, for some reason.  The blurb gives the standard plotline: Big City careers are stupid, go home for Christmas and find love.  The twist: Big City is a guy!  It will take about 10 minutes of screen time for the big reveal: he's gay!

Link to the  NSFW version

Scene 1: Establishing shot of NYC.  Big, Important Financial Planner Wyatt (Peter Porte) is at an office Christmas party, miserable amid the talk of husbands and wives.  He and Lindsey broke up in October, so he'll be alone!  At Christmas! Hey, I thought Wyatt was gay.  Has he not figured it out yet, or is Lindsey a made-up girlfriend? 

"What went wrong?" the Big Boss wants to know. "I thought you and Lindsey were perfect for each other."  So they've met?  Maybe Lindsey is a beard? Or maybe he's bi?

 "The nonstop trips to the Cape, the five-star restaurants every night. I want someone with simple, down-home tases."  Should have thought of that before you moved to the Big City, Dude. 

More plot: this is the first Christmas since Dad passed away, so Mom is depressed, so he's going back to the ranch in Colorado.  10,000 to one he finds love there.

Hey, the hot bartender (Eric Meroño, left) grins at Wyatt!  If you came in cold, this would be your first clue that Wyatt might not be straight, but I'll bet not one viewer in 100 catches it

Scene 2: Establishing shot of a beautiful ranch in Colorado. Wyatt's Mom brings tea to her workers: a girl and Heath (Juan Pablo de Pace, below).  She announces that Wyatt is coming home for Christmas, for the first time in five years.  Heath has only been working there for three years, so they've never met, but the girl is his High School Girlfriend. Whoa, Wyatt really racks up the babes.  

"Won't your husband, who is out of the country working for Doctors Without Borders, be jealous of your ex-boyfriend visiting?" Heath asks. 

High School Girlfriend, grinning: "I...don't...think so."  Her certainty is another clue.

Heath leaves, and High School Girlfriend interrogates Mom: "Heath doesn't know about Wyatt?" 

 "Well, I couldn't just tell him, could I?"  Tell him what, Mom?  What about your son is such a problem that you're afraid to tell your employee about it?

"Well, does Wyatt know about Heath?"  

"What could I say: you guys are both gay?"  The big reveal!   Why all the circumlocution and misdirection?  Probably the same rationale as not revealing that a tv character is gay until Season 2: you want the viewers to become invested in the story first, so they won't run away in homophobic horror. 

Wait -- Ranch Hand Heath is gay, too?  So what's the problem? This will be a very short romcom. Wyatt's plane lands, sparks fly, mistletoe, the end.

Scene 3:  Heath giving two moms and two kids (a lesbian couple?) a tour of Santa's Workshop. By horse-drawn carriage, not sleigh: there's no snow on the ground. 

Meanwhile, Wyatt arrives. pulls out his luggage, and grimaces. Yuck, back at the place I found so oppressive as growing up!   Mom hugs him and immediately envisions him having kids. Geez, Lady, wait until he's in the house before pressuring him to get married and have kids. 

Wait -- if Wyatt is gay, what's up with the ex-girlfriend Lindsey?  Mom references them with he/him pronouns -- yep, he was a guy with a girl's name, a misdirection to fool us before the big reveal.  Or Wyatt has a thing for gender-bending names: his High School Girlfriend is named Blake.   

Mom points out Heath: "He keeps the place going."  Wyat notices the lack of customers for Santa's Village, and criticizes him for not doing his job.  Yeah, Heath, get busy and make with the snowfall!

Scene 4: Heath and High School Girlfriend are heading to dinner, and to meet Wyatt.  Heath worries that he will be homophobic, but she reassures him: that won't be a problem.  So the guy who escaped Colorado, with its long history of homophobic legislation, for the freedom of a gay mecca, is homophobic?  

At dinner, Wyatt snipes at Heath, misnames him Hank, criticizes the terrible wine he brought, and ignores him to chat up High School Girlfriend. This isn't going well, but then neither of the guys knows that the other is gay.  

Then he brings up the real reason for his visit: he wants Mom to sell the ranch!  "It's prime real estate today, and Santa's Workshop isn't making any money."  The others act as if he's proposing eating babies.  

"This is your mother's home," High School Girlfriend says through gritted teeth. "This is all she has." Calm yourself, Girl -- Wyatt isn't kicking Mom out onto the street.  I checked current listings: Colorado ranches go from $2-15 million.  

Mom starts crying.  "So this is why you came home -- to destroy my life?  To spit on your father's grave?"

"Well, that's not the only reason.  I wanted to eat some babies, too."

More after the break