Male Nudity in Italian Class

The only good thing about Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas, where I taught at a horrible state college after getting my M.A., was the free tuition for faculty.  There wasn't a lot at that I wanted to take, but they did offer Italian.

It didn't start out well:
Roger e un ragazzo americano. Maria e una ragazza italiana. Roger e Maria sono amici. . .

Roger is an American boy visiting Italy. He goes to a café and tries to pick up a local girl. In the first lesson we learned “What is your name?”, "Your country is beautiful," and "How old are you."

Roger learns the time so he won’t be late for the cinema, learns the names of food so he can order in the restaurant, gets an overview of national history as they tour the museums.  In Chapter 10, we learn the Italian word for "kiss" (bacio).

Why do even language-learning dialogues have to be about  boys and girls gazing at each other?  

I never thought of Italy as a "good place."  The only fiction I read about Italian men  in love was The Little World of Don Camillo, and movies set in Italy seemed to involve mostly horny heterosexuals: Roman Holiday (1953), La Dolce Vita (1960),  Island of Love (1963).  Pasolini was gay in real life, but his moves were entirely heterosexist.  I had never seen Ernesto (1979).

But one weekend I drove two hours into Houston, to the Wilde-and-Stein Bookstore, and bought Ganymede in the Renaissance, about how Renaissance artists used the myth of Ganymede, a mortal boy swept up by Zeus to become his catamite.

And I discovered a whole gay world in Renaissance Italy, artists, writers, statesmen.

1. Leonardo Da Vinci. He gets a girlfriend in modern straightwashing biopics, but he was gay.

2. Michelangelo.  He gets straightwashed a lot, too. 

3. Donatello, who sculpted the famously effeminate David, a counterpart to Michelangelo's more macho version.

4. Benvenuto Cellini.  His Autobiography was on the list of recommended readings in my class in Renaissance History in college.  I didn't read it, and the professor never said a word.

5. Caravaggio, played by Dexter Fletcher and Nigel Terry in the 1986 movie.

6. Aretino, who wrote Il Marescalco, about a gay man forced to marry a woman, but fortunately she turns out to be a man.

7. Ariosto.  I bought his Orlando Furioso in a Ballantine Adult Fantasy edition, but it was about winning The Girl.

8. Matteo Bandello, who wrote 12 Novelle, one about a gay man.

9. The painter Giovanni Antonio Bazzi, nicknamed "Il Sodoma"



See also:  "Da Vinci's Demons": An absurdly heterosexual Da Vinci, a bi guy who only likes ladies, two monstrous gay predators

Pasolini's "Arabian Nights": The less well-known tales told with pe* nises and homophobia

"Caravaggio's Shadow": As time goes by, the gay Baroque painter becomes more and more straight. With n*de Italian men

Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects censored stuff. With Nick Vardakas, toys, and Peruvian guys

 

Link to the not fully clothed dudes

This review has been sitting for a year, with no problem with the idjit censors.  I put it in the top position, and zap! zap!  Think of the children.  So let's try again.

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting people in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. 

As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna screw it up?"  

Cut to Zion's Landing, the Gemstones' Christian-themed resort. The 42-year old Jesse and his crew confront Eli's driver.  In joke: his name is Walker!  He squealed to the press about the dwindling membership and donations since the kids took over, so they beat him up and fire him. Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I am shocked.  Christian ministers are often shady and hypocritical, but violent? What if someone sees?

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Sm*t Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time Kelvin and Keefe are buying out the inventory of some censored stores, so they won't be able to sell them.  Yes, I know the logic.  We see some kids, including Nick Vardakas, examining some of the toys.    

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in their chant, which promises that avoiding the inventory of  the stores will reduce the likelihood of "coconuts."   

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no buts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

The Primitive Tribe: At church, the siblings are bragging about their missionary trip, where they brought Lasik Surgery to an isolated tribe in the Amazon. 

They are completely clueless; surgery to correct astigmatism must be the most trivial of the group's medical needs.  Plus the depiction of a "primitive tribe" veers uncomfortably close to racism.

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

Jesse criticizes the store project -- preventing truck drivers from getting toys but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 stores along the I-95 corridor.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some toys

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

The Evil Simpkins:  The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection.  The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).  

Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance.  Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity.  Plus 85% are women.

Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?

The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David, below).  They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..  

Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot.  Kelvin nods his agreement.  Wait - how out is he?  Dusty, openly bi, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks."  Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile."  They flex and posture.

Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me?  In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.  

Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing.  He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.

There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out.  The fortune goes to the Simpkins! 

Next we'll find out more about May-May, the lady with the wrench, and the marital squabbles.

More after the break

"The Way Home": Witchcraft, demonic beings, and curses are promised, family drama is delivered. With Sharma's abs and MacPherson's d*ck

Link to the n*de dudes

I love time travel stories, so I was drawn to The Way Home (2025-) on Netflix:  "three generations of women have a time travel adventure."  Besides, the cover icon depicted a cute guy who turned out to be Al Mukadam, Neel on Ghosts.  If he takes his shirt off, I'm in.

Scene 1: Port Haven, Nova Scotia, 1816. A woman runs through the woods at night, chased by villagers with torches yelling "Get the witch!"  There were no witchcraft trials in Canada.  She comes to the lake and jumps in.

Scene 2:  Minneapolis, present day.  At an assembly, a high school student is singing "Crazy," by Patsy Cline (1961).

I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
Crazy for feeling so blue

What high schooler has even heard of that song?  Why not something contemporary, unless it's relevant to the story?

Alice waits backstage, anxiously peering out at men in suits milling through the crowd.  No doubt government agents wanting to weaponize her witchcraft powers.

When it's her turn, she goes onto the stage, but sees the men in suits and runs away, pulling a fire alarm to throw them off the trail.

Scene 3: Mom arrives at the school.  Turns out that one of the suit guys is Alice's Dad (Al Mukadam).  The other was a random parent in the audience, put in as a misdirection.  So why was she so scared of her father that she ran away?  

Top photo: Eventually we'll meet Dad as a teenager, played by Siddharth Sharma.

More back story: the parents are divorced (no doubt so they can get back together). and Mom just lost her job as a reporter.

Dad offers to pay the fine for setting off the fire alarm, and make "another generous donation" to the school, but it's too late: Alice is constantly causing trouble, and this is the last straw.  She's expelled.  Get out. 

Scene 4: Mom and Dad call all of Alice's friends, but they don't know where she is.  She's been "running with a different crowd," no doubt a witchcraft coven.

Turns out that Alice is at home, having a pizza party with the perfectly respectful looking "different crowd."

Plot hole: She just ran out of the assembly ten minutes ago, in the middle of a school day.  How did she have time to invite a dozen people to a pizza party?  How could they make it?

Alice is hanging out with a hipster dude, whom Mom voices strong disapproval of.  He seems perfectly nice.  What's your problem?

Scene 5: Having cleared out the house, Dad returns to work, and Mom lays into Alice: "Why did you duck out on the talent show?  You are so talented!  You have such a gift!"  

She explains that she doesn't want to sing anymore, and "you're never there for me," yada yada yada.    When does the witchcraft show up?

Mom checks her mail: A letter from Del Landry in Port Haven, Nova Scotia (where the witchcraft chase in Scene 1).  No doubt something sinister, like "The Reckoning has begun!  Bring the Chosen One and three chickens for the sacrifice!"

Darn, it's just her mother, asking her to come for a visit.  Why am I writing a more interesting story in my head?

Scene 6:  Establishing shots of nowhere, Nova Scotia.  They're not just visiting, they're moving back home.  Back story: Mom lost her little brother, Jacob, at a young age. That's why she left.  I'll bet he was just sucked into a time vortex.

Left: I was right.  Young Jacob is played by Remy Smith, and Grown-up Jacob by Spencer Macpherson (backside and d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

They arrive at the huge picket-fence farmhouse.  A very scary lady with a flat face and Medusa-hair meets them.  They don't hug, but she is impressed by Alice.  Inherited your witchcraft powers?

Scary Lady -- Grandma -- is played by Andie MacDowell, best known for another time-slip movie, Groundhog Day (1993).  She's almost unrecognizable under the scary makeup.

Scene 7: While Scary Lady gives Alice a tour, Mom goes inside and hears her little brother laughing as his feet rush upstairs.  A ghost or just a memory? She also sees his toys and such.

Scene 8: As Alice leaves the house, she sees the gardeners working on a flower bed.  One of them (Kataem O'Connor) glares at her.  He is overwhelmed by hatred, either because he actually hates her, or because he realizes that they were meant to be together, and the relationship will be very difficult.  It's sometimes hard for actors to distinguish.

He says hello.  She flashes a look of utter disgust, and rushes back inside.  Why are you so disgusted by the thought of dating him, girl?  Because he's a mortal, and the other witches will disapprove?

Inside, Grandma is laughing.  "You did that on purpose!" Alice exclaims.  Did what, hired a cute guy?  I don't get why Alice is so upset.  

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Oliver Atherton: Mennonite, Wannabe, and Boy Next Door, then nothing. With Mennonite and some co-star in law c*cks

 

Link to the n*de photos

This guy appears in Episode 1.1 of The Way Home, singing the ridiculously old-fashioned song "Crazy," by Patsy Cline, at a high school talent show.

I'm crazy for feeling so lonely

Crazy for feeling so blue

I knew

You'd love me as long as you wanted

And then some day

You'd leave me for somebody new

When he's finished, he smugly pushes past focus character Alice, who is waiting to go on next.  

She gets stage fright and rushes off,  and he gives her a final zinger: "I knew you were just a one-hit wonder."

Who doesn't feel like punching this guy in the nose?  Or kissing him?

There was considerable fan discussion about the character's name.  The cast list for the episode lists several actors with no photos, playing Jasper, Student 1, Student 2, Teen 1, and so on.  

Turns out he is Wannabe, played by Oliver Atherton.

Researching Oliver presents some problems: An Oliver Atherton has worked as a visual effects supervisor on many movies, and actress Natalie Oliver-Atherton (no relation), crowned Miss Senior America in 2024, has a much stronger internet presence But I found our Oliver's Linkedin.

 He grew up in Etobioke, which sounds very exotic but is actually just a suburb of Toronto, and attended the School of the Arts, a specialized high school where you can concentrate in art, dance, music, or film.  

He has a brother named Vid V__, from Serbia, so maybe he has a Serbian heritage. 

After graduating with a concentration in film in 2018, Oliver enrolled at the University of Toronto.  There he competed in the North American Debating Championship, interned with an English professor (researching 18th century English law, literature, and politics), wrote for the student newspaper, and worked as a bartender at Stackt ("an artsy industrial-chic complex" that offers queer events).

I'm surprised that he had time for auditions.

Maybe he didn't: there are only three acting roles listed on the IMDB.

#1: Murdoch Mysteries Episode 16.6 (2022): A man is brought to the hospital badly injured, and dies before the doctors can find out who he is.  Murdoch and Ogden track him down: Enoch Snider (Oliver), from a Mennonite community.  Turns out that he was murdered because he didn't want to marry the girl he was assigned.  The transcript says that "he didn't fit in with the other boys," and he had a buddy named Mervin (Liam Green), but I couldn't determine if he was gay.

N*de Mennonite man on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

#2: The short Most of the Time We Are Just Waiting (2022), written and directed by Molly Sheers:  Her town is evacuating, so 13-year old Nora and the Boy Next Door go out looking for her older sister, last seen with a boy "with questionable intentions."  There are only two male actors, Oliver and Piers Bijvoet, so which plays which is up for grabs.  

More after the break

Cyrus and TJ: Are the "Andi Mack" boyfriends gay in real life? What about Jonah? Or Bowie? With some backsides and d*cks

  

Link to the n*de photos

Andi Mack (2017-19) was the first Disney teencom with an identified gay character: Cyrus (Joshua Rush), originally dating Iris, comes out in Episode 3.11 (2019).  He befriends TJ Kippen (Luke Mullen), a sarcastic, mean-spirited basketball star, teaches him to be nicer, and admits him to the friend group.  Everyone assumes that TJ is straight, so they are just good buddies.

Then, in the last scene of the series finale, Episode 3.20 (2019),  they hold hands.  In close up, partially obscured by the slats of a bench. Can you even tell what they're doing?  It seems rather tepid, but caused widespread celebration in LGBTQ communities as a milestone, the first canonical gay couple in a Disney tv series.

Wait -- Kelvin and Keefe held hands in Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.7, and fans were saying "So what?  Straight guys can hold hands.  It doesn't mean that they're gay."

And if that's all it takes, Craig and Eric of Drake and Josh held hands in 2008.  

But we'll go with "the first," and conduct some research to see if either Cyrus or TJ is gay in real life.  (And look for other gay characters and nude photos, of course).

Joshua Rush (Cyrus) went on to voice the titular character in Where's Waldo (2019-21), based on the book series where you have to find the red-striped guy in a crowd, then got his degree from Penn State and moved into politics.  As of this writing, he is the Communications Director of the Texas House Democratic Campaign Committee. In my day you would never dream of limping your wrist like that.

He announced that he was bisexual on social media a few weeks after the hand-holding episode aired.

There's an *xplicit photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends..

Luke Mullen: After Andi Mack, Luke played a straight guy in four episodes of the teencom Side Hustle, a fratboy playing volleyball on the beach in the Barbie movie, and other straight or not-identified characters.

Here he prepares to be splattered in an episode of the anthology series American Horror Stories.

More after the break

Joe Davidson: The gladiator, surfer, soap star, and gator poacher doesn't mind if you check out his d*ck. With bonus Thomas Jane and Takaya

Link to the n*de dudes

In Spartacus: House of Ashur Episode 1.1, Gladiator Logus (Joe Davidson) insults the dwarf trio Brothers Ferox: "My d*ck stands larger threats!" They promptly eviscerate him.

During the filming, Joe hooked up with (or buddied up with) the probably gay Mikey Thompson (Musicus).  Plus a brief internet search revealed this photo from the soap Neighbours: Joe's character apparently has a boyfriend.

Plus there are no girls and a lot of guys on his social media posts.  That's enough for more extensive research to determine if Joe is gay in real life, has played gay characters, or both.  Hopefully both.  

Born around 1992 or 1993, Joe grew up on Australia's ritzy Gold Coast, around Brisbane, and began on-screen acting in some teen series:

A diver in an episode of H2O: Just Add Water (2010), about three teenager girls who turn into mermaids (with Luke Mitchell as their human ally).

A swimmer in SLIDE (2011): A Melbourne girl moves to Brisbane and finds the requisite allies, crushes, and enemies, including a gay-ish boyfriend.

A surfer boy in Mako Mermaids (2013), with those three teenage mermaids up to new antics.  A merman (Chai Hanson) is added to the cast.

Joe also meets a mermaid while grieving over his dead father in Glass Tunnel (2013).  

Plus he worked at Warner Brothers Movie World, a theme park in Queensland, playing characters like Edward Scissorhands and Fred from Scooby Doo.

After graduating from the "prestigious three-year program" at Actors Central Australia in Sydney, Joe was cast in his first major role, playing Cassius Grady in the soap opera Neighbours (2017-2018).   He appears as a muscular mystery man at a Guy Fawkes Day party on the same night that the evil Hamish Roche is murdered.  Hamish's son Tyler is the chief suspect.

Cassius goes on to save Tyler's girlfriend from a capsized boat, start dating her, rescue a kidnapped baby, get a job as a gardener, and finally admit that he was the one who murdered Hamish (gasp) because he is the evil guy's long-estranged son (double gasp). 

Um...Cassius was straight, buddy. 

Maybe there are some gay roles in his later work?

Stranded (2018): A British soldier is stranded with a lady.  They smooch in the water. 

Abandoned (2018).  What do you think?

Sons of Summer (2023):  A surfer brings his buds on a trip to the Gold Coast town where his dad was murdered, and runs afoul of murderous drug dealers.  He's got a girlfriend.

Anyone But You (2023); Ben (Glen Powell) and Bea don't like each other, but Bea's sister is marrying Ben's friend Pete's sister, and for some reason they have to pretend to be a couple at the wedding.  Joe plays the current boyfriend of Ben's ex girlfriend, who dumps him for Bea's ex-boyfriend. It's based on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, so you've got to expect some partner switching. 

Joe shows his backside to demonstrate that he's much hotter than Ben.

He shows his d*ck too (after the break).

Kenton Duty: The "Shake It Up" star shakes it up with Christian soap operas and n*de videos

  

Link to the n*de photos

Some former teen stars retain their cuteness through their 20s, 30s, 40s, and on.  Others move from "dreamy" to "meh," and an unfortunate few turn into gorgons.   I'll leave it to you to decide what happened to Kenton Duty.  

Yes, that's his real name.

Born in 1995, Kenton began acting at the age of nine, and first appeared on screen at age eleven.  He drew fan attention in 2010 for a ridiculous background story on the paranormal Lost: in the first century CE, a Roman woman is shipwrecked on the floating island, has twin sons, Jacob and ___.  Christians and Jews were a tiny minority at the time.  How does she know the Jewish name?   For the rest of the plot arc, everyone refuses to say the name of the other brother, although it obviously has to be Esau.  

This led to Shake It Up (2010-12), a slight variation on the usual Disney teencom format.  Instead of a girl who wants to be a singer, it featured two girls who want to be dancers. Kenton played the German-stereotype Gunther Hessenheffer, who dances with his sister Tinka.  According to the fan wiki, he is "flamboyant, fashion-conscious, theatrical," with a gay-subtext firendship with Ty Blue (Roshon Feagan) but straight, dating and crushing on a number of girls.

You might expect some gay characters or subtexts in Contest (2013), where a  bully and his queer-coded victim (Kenton, left, Daniel Flanagan, not shown) work together to win a contest, but the victim gets a girl.

We do see a lot of Kenton's physique, and Phil of the Future's Raviv Ullman appears.

Don't get excited. It's Guys Night (2015) is a two-minute short in which the guys get a girl to join them.  Why would two guys want to spend time alone?

Kenton's most significant role in the post-Shake It Up era is in the Christian soap Hilton Head Island (2017-19). Michael Swan stars as the dying patriarch of a clan scheming to get their hands on his media empire. Kenton plays a grandson. 

He's done some other Christian tv series, like The Encounter (Jesus steps in to solve people's problems), but also some secular stuff, like Filthy Preppy Teens and A Housekeeper's Revenge.

More after the break

"Samuel": French middle school boys are all in love with the same girl. With queerbaiting, drag, Freudian dreams, and some n*de twinks

 

Link to the n*de photos

When I was growing up in Rock Island, there were no gay characters in children's media -- and they were vanishingly rare in adult media.  In grade school my friend Bill and I vowed to be "best men" forever, and in junior high I swooned over Dan, who had blond hair and warm hands, but parents, teachers, and peers insisted that we were tepid, inconsequential "buddies."  Soon, very soon, I would "discover" girls, and drop my boy friends, instantly and without hesitation, to devote my life to what really mattered, finding and winning The Girl.

I scoured through tv shows, comic books, and the books in the Denkmann School library, searching for evidence that same-sex loves could endure for a lifetime: Will and Jack fighting aliens together in The White Mountains, Tony and Doug declaring that "I won't leave without you!" on Time Tunnel, even Rich and Sean smiling at each other in The Secret of Boyne Castle.  

A show about a boy who actually experiences a real, undeniable same-sex romance would have been a godsend.  

The animated Samuel (2026), by French cartoonist Émilie Tronche, just dropped on Netflix.  It features  a ten-year old boy whose diary entries are depicted in line drawings on a minimal canvas, similar to the Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  The blurb tells us that he's going to face "first loves, complicated friendships, and the start of middle school," with an illustration that undeniably shows him kissing a boy.  Dude is going to come out!

I can't wait to review Samuel.

Episode 1, Scene 1: Samuel writes in his diary that he's in love with a girl.

Say what?  I'm confused.

The boy he is kissing is shown on the blurb for Episode 5, so I'll review that one instead. 

Episode 5: At choir practice, a rumor goes around that Dmitri asked Julie to go out with him.  Everyone laughs and makes fun of the two.  Dmitri is the boy he is shown kissing.

The teacher comes in and asks if everyone has learned the solo part.  Dmitri claims that he has.

The full choir:

Why do people in love always seem to be the same?
They carry, as they walk by, the same look in their eye
One single flame -- they are the happy ones

Dmitri's solo.  Is he going to sing to Samuel?

I barely know you, but to drift away with you, like they do
We could make enough room, you and me
For both of us, with no fuss

You have to let me know it won't be in vain

Whatever the stakes, I want to be a happy man

Suddenly Samuel finds himself in church, about to be married to a boy?  No, to Julie,  but Dmitri rushes in at the last minute, a la The Graduate, and takes her away.  

Later, Samuel sees Julie and Dmitri in the schoolyard, and they confirm that they are in love.  This depresses Samuel, as he is in love with Julie, too.  Say what? When are he and Dmitri going to kiss?

Ok, episodes are only 3-4 minutes long. I'm going through all of them on fast forward, looking for the development of the Samuel-Dmitri romance.

Episode 6: Dmitri does not appear.  Samuel has a best friend, Benjamin.

Episode 7:  On the field trip to the museum, Dmitri and Julie sit together, upsetting Samuel. 

Episode 8: Samuel's friend Benjamin returns from his grandmother's funeral. They discuss his grief, but when he starts crying, Samuel is too macho to hug him.  Instead, he says "Your hair is really greasy."  Jerk!

Episode 9:  Dmitri tells Samuel, "You look pretty," but they're rehearsing a play, and Dmitri is a fox planning to eat crow Samuel, so it might not be his real-life sentiments.

Episode 10: Samuel tells his diary, "Last night something happened.  I don't know how to describe it." Finally, the kiss!   On the way home after the play, they stop at a stop light, and Samuel sees a girl, maybe Julie, in the next car.  She waves at him.  "That's what happened."  A wave?  

Episode 11: During summer vacation, Samuel runs into his enemy Dmitri crying on the sidewalk.  He explains that he is sad because school is over, and he's lonely. Julie must have dumped him.  He asks to hang out with Samuel's friend group next fall, when they're in middle school.  So are they going to fall in love over the summer?

Episode 12: Samuel's babysitters, Bryan and Jonah, invite him to a party with adults.  They usually go to clubs; maybe they're a gay couple?  Nope: when the dancing starts, they're mesmerized by two girls who give them "come hither" finger gestures, and ditch Samuel.  Ugh!  "You will abandon your same-sex loves, instantly and without hesitation, to devote your life to the only thing that matters, finding and winning The Girl."

More after the break

Eight is Enough to fill our lives with schmaltz. But at least Grant Goodeve took his shirt off

Oh we spend our days like bright and shiny new dimes,
If we're ever puzzled by the changing times.
There's a plate of homemade wishes on the kitchen window sill,
And eight is enough to fill our lives with love.

To paraphrase Dorothy Parker, "the theme song marks the first place in Eight is Enough at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up.”

If that's the sort of thing that appeals to you, you probably got all warm and gushy on Wednesday nights during the late 1970s watching Eight is Enough (1977-81).  If you wondered just how much of a day a dime could buy, or your gag reflex set in at the very thought of plates of homemade wishes on the window sill, you turned the channel to hip sitcoms like Good Times, Busting Loose, and The Jeffersons

I never made it through an episode, but everybody knew about every show in those days, so I know that it featured  Tom Bradford (Dick Van Patten), a conservative newspaper columnist who liked to give anti-abortion speeches to captive audiences in elevators.  

Dick Van Patten (1928-2015) was a tv fixture during the 1970s, playing button-down businessmen, kindly country doctors, and snake-oil salesmen on Sanford and Son, The Paul Lynde Show, The Rookies, Adam-12,  Happy Days, One Day at a Time...it would actually be easier to list the programs he wasn't in. 

He belonged to a show biz dynasty, including siblings Joan and Tim, and children Vince (left), Jimmy, and Nels.

Tom and his wives (Diane Hyland, Betty Buckley) had the promised eight children, including five girls (Mary, Joan, Susan, Nancy, Elizabeth) and three boys (David, Tommy, Nicholas).  None were gay of course, although Mary was so butch that her quest for boys seemed ridiculous (she was played by probably gay Lani O'Grady).  

But gay boys who survived the smarm were rewarded by nonstop beefcake.  All of the girls dated hunky boys -- a lot.  Guest hunks included Ralph Macchio, Brian Patrick Clarke (left), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class), Noah Hathaway, Marc McClure (Superman), even perennial gay fave Don Johnson.  Not to mention Tom's sons.

1. David (Grant Goodeve, top photo and left), a young adult employed in construction.  He achieved some teen idol fame, cutting a few records and enjoying guest shots on Murder, She Wrote, The Love Boat, Fantasy Island, and Northern Exposure.  He also played Steve Carrington's boyfriend on Dynasty.  Today he is involved mostly in live theater.

More after the break

Six Linus Van Pelts, from Eric Shea in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" to Alex Saxon in "A Charlie Brown Christmas, the Musical"

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) is the first of the animated specials based on Charles Schultz' Peanuts, and arguably the only one that holds up for adults.  I first saw it when I was so young that when Lucy says that she wants "real estate" for Christmas, I had no idea what she was talking about.

Linus has always been my favorite Peanuts character: witty, intellectual (an aspiring theologian), and a good friend to Charlie Brown.  If it weren't for their frequent heterosexual romances, I would identify them as a gay-subtext couple.  

And no other voice artist comes closer to capturing his inner beauty than  Christopher Shea.

Christopher  (1958-2010) voiced the wise-beyond-his-years Linus in  A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965),  It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966), and three other Peanuts specials.  He starred in the Western Shane (1966), a short-lived tv version of the iconic movie, playing the "Come back, Shane!" Joey Starrett, and did a lot of guest spots.  Kids of the 1960s probably saw him in  The Invaders, Green Acres, The Odd Couple, and Here Come the Bride.

Here he buddy-bonds with Kevin Tate in Firecreek (1968).

I always thought that he played Tim Matheson's little brother in Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968), but that was his brother Erik.

His last credited role is A Little Game (1971), about a teenager (Mark Gruner) who plots to kill his stepfather.

He's hard to research because of another Christopher Shea, who appeared in more recent tv series like Will and Grace and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, but I found his obituary: He moved to Humbolt County, in northern California, where he died in 2010, leaving a wife and two daughters.

Eric Shea, born in 1960, did the usual tv guest spots: Batman, Here Come the Brides, Gunsmoke, The Flying Nun, Room 222 -- but he snared some more substantial movie roles, such as Lucille Ball's son  in the big-family comedy Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968) (top photo, the one in the pajamas.  The other one is Tim Matheson).

More after the break