Chad Allen: The Dr. Quinn hunk is outed, but still plays hetero romantic leads and a gay detective. With his d*ck and 1990s San Francisco

Link to the n*de photos

I finally cleaned out my "Profiles to Do" file,  eliminating Tyler Posey (extremely ugly), Ethan Cutkosky (only four photos), and Raphael Luce (already profiled him). Twelve guys are left: Nicholas Bechtel, Nathaniel Bacon, Ben Patrick Johnson...wait, Chad Allen.  The name brings back a flood of memories.

In 1995, my partner Lane and I moved to San Francisco, because why wouldn't you?  It was Gay Heaven.  It was also very difficult, cold, crowded, dirty, and dangerous.  Lane lasted for about six months before dumping me and high-tailing it back to the comfort of West Hollywood.  I stuck it out for two years.

The main problem: We felt obligated to serve as stand-ins for the thousands of gay men who dreamed of living in Gay Heaven.  Every moment had to count.  Every night was a mad rush of beer busts, bear parties, AIDS benefits, book signings, art openings, film premieres, and hookups, until, by Saturday night we were exhausted, and more often than not just wanted to get Chinese take-out and chill in front of the tube.  So we watched Married..with Children, Lois & Clark, Leaving L.A. (because we had left L.A.), and Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-98)

Jane Seymour played the titular doctor, also known as Doctor Mike, who moved out West in 1867 to deal with gamblers, grifters, bureaucrats, cowboys, Indians, and a lot of sick and dying people.  No gay characters, but come on, she was named Mike, she disguised herself as a man on many occasions, and she had a lesbian-subtext romance with her midwife, Charlotte.  After The Girl died, Doctor Mike adopted her three children and started a romance with a cowboy (Joe Lando).  You have to move on.

Chad Allen played Matthew Cooper, Dr. Mike's adopted son.  His plotlines involved trying to father his younger siblings after Mom's death (by rattlesnake bite), getting a girlfriend (who dies of rabies), being trapped in a cave-in, getting a new girlfriend, getting a gambling addiction, chasing cattle rustlers, and having various accidents.  Sure, it was ridiculous, but in the 1990s everything on tv was ridiculous.  Remember Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210?

Joe Lando appeared in Playgirl, but didn't show his dangly bits.

But Chad did.  At least, some leaked photos purportedly of a young adult Chad made the rounds of celebrity websites in the early 2000s (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Chad had been appearing in heart-warmers and tear-jerkers since he was seven years old: Hotel, Webster, Highway to Heaven, Punky Brewster, and The Wonder Years (that's Fred Savage beside him).

His most iconic role was Tommy Westphal, the autistic son of Dr. Westphal in 17 episodes of  the homophobic medical drama St. Elsewhere (1983-88).  We only watched one episode, and it was homophobic.

The season finale of St. Elsewhere revealed that the entire series was imagined by Tommy as he gazed at a snow globe.   It was all a dream. This enraged fans, but isn't all fiction someone's dream?

Chad also played more conventional roles, like the 12-year old David Witherspoon in 46 episodes of the dramedy Our House (1986-88).  The then-famous curmudgeon Wilford Brimley starred as the grandpa to three cute kids.

And Zach Nichols, who competes with Giovanni Ribisi for the attention of The Girl in 26 episodes of the comedy (sort of) My Two Dads (1987-1990).

In 1996,  Chad was outed when the tabloid The Globe published a leaked photo of him kissing a guy!  

Usually in the 1990s, coming out or being outed meant an instant end to your career, but Jane Seymour was a strong LGBT ally, and insisted that Chad continue appearing as Matthew in every episode of Dr. Quinn.  The writers did manage to avoid giving him a new girlfriend.

More after the break

Garcia Lorca: The Homophobic Gay Poet and his Boyfriend

When I was studying Spanish literature at Augustana College, I never, in a million years, would have guessed that Federico Garcia Lorca (1898-1936) was gay (or that his boyfriend surrealist painter Salvador Dali).

How could I suspect, when his three most famous plays are:

1. Yerma (1934), a tragedy about a woman who can't have children.

2. Bodas de Sangre (Blood Wedding, 1933), about two men who kill each other over the love of a woman.

3. La Casa de Bernarda Alba (The House of Bernarda Alba, 1945), about a woman who can't stand her daughter's lack of chastity.  This one has no male characters at all. 

And when his poetry is all about heterosexual longing:

"The Lizard is Crying": boy and girl lizards are crying because they lost their wedding rings.

"Two Mariners on the Beach": one dreams of "the golden breasts of Cuban girls."

"Thamar and Amon": he "was gazing at the round and low moon, and he saw in the moon his sister's very firm breasts."

(Painting of Lorca as St. Sebastian is by Alice Wellinger)

"Ode to Walt Whitman" is even homophobic.

 Lorca decries the "pansies" (maricas) of New York, horrible perversions of the spiritual love described by Walt Whitman.  They don't just gaze longingly at each other, they actually touch each other!  Disgusting!

Pansies of the cities, of tumescent flesh and unclean mind,
Mud of dreams, harpies, unsleeping enemies of Love
Pansies of the world, murderers of doves!
Let there be no quarter!
Death flows from your eyes!

Wow.


But he was definitely gay.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four d*cks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German dudes, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

  

 Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you into Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing n*de, nice shots of his front and back, which made some viewers angry: "Nobody likes looking at that!  Why can't we see Amber's stuff instead?  Every man on Earth, without exceptions, wants to see Amber n*de." Ever hear of gay men, guys?

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little a*-kiss."  Abraham has like two lines this season, both about backsides.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing n*aked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom closet.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them moved to Kelvin and Keefe's room.

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, uses a "play within a play" to discover that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King so they could take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay.  Pontius and Abraham get some queer codes, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork.  

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big D*ck Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big D*ck Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms out.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his d*ick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: In the bedroom, Kelvin shoves the rack of Aimee-Leigh's clothes into the bathroom, then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.   

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or flirty?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." 

The movie also has a parallel to the Gemstones in the character Mark Jarvis (Tom McBride, top photo, no relation to Danny McBride), who uses a wheelchair.  The actor was gay in real life, and did some n*de modeling during the 1980s.  He died of AIDS in 1995.

Jesse thrusts: Down in the rec room, Amber is happy to see Gideon interacting with his brothers, and Jesse again gets jealous. Dude, he's just not into you anymore.  Time to move on. 

Complaining about Eli/Lori,, Jesse asks if Amber would mind if he started dating one of her close friends after she died.  He describes the act in lurid detail, thrusting aggressively as he imagines his father doing it.

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Eli/Lori again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan: The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur. a shot that appeared in the trailer and made fans think he and Kelvin had kids. No, he's waving at Kelvin. Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly -- about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

"Best Foot Forward": Boy negotiates middle school with a prosthetic leg, a h*ng dad, a bodybuilder brother, a gay buddy, and no annoying girl-craziness

  

Link to the n*de dudes

We just dumped Peacock in favor of Apple Plus, so now we can watch Best Foot Forward (2022), based on childhood experiences of  "Paralympian, comedian, author, disability advocate, and Halloween enthusiast" Joshua Sundquist (underwear photo on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) 

Focus character Josh has been home schooled since he lost his left leg at age nine, but he finally convinces his parents to allow him to start seventh grade in public school.  He faces the standard junior high problems of friends, math tests, soccer practice, movie night, and school dances.

Josh is played by Logan Marmino, fifteen years old in 2025 and thinking about college.  Maybe Johns Hopkins?

He's an accomplished athlete, competing in Paralympics track and high school basketball and baseball.  Plus surfing and skateboarding. 

When showrunner Joshua Sundquist invited him to audition for Best Foot Forward, he had no acting experience, not even a school play.  And he doesn't really seem interested in an acting career -- he hasn't appeared in anything since. Sports and disability activism keep him busy.

While Josh is experiencing the joys and hassles of junior high, Dad and Mom (Stephen Schneider, left, Joy Suprano) have B plots of their own, like when they tried to order two pizzas, and accidentally ordered twenty. "Sometimes older people can't see the order screen very well," the delivery guy explains, to Mom's consternation.

Stephen Schneider may be best known for a five-minute long n*de fight scene in The Righteous Gemstones, but he has 37 acting credits on the IMDB, including three tv series reviewed here: You're the Worst, Broad City. and Nobody Wants This, 

Josh's younger brother Matt (Roger Dale Floyd) mostly tries to help, or feels left out when Josh gets all of the attention.

Roger Dale Floyd, 13 years old in 2025, has appeared in The Walking Dead, Doctor Sleep, Greenland, and Stranger Things.  He is a junior bodybuilder, interested in promoting fitness among teens and tweens. 

In Greenland (2020), Roger and his Mom and Dad (Gerard Butler) must flee cross-country to safety after a comet-Apocalypse.  Whoops, they forgot to bring his insulin. 

N*de Gerard Butler on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Josh makes two friends, Kyle (Peyton Jackson, left) and Gabriella (Trinity Jo-Li Bliss).

Peyton Jackson has 14 acting credits on the IMDB, most recently Pet Investigators (2025), about three teens who crack a pet-theft ring.  The baddies are played by former teen idols Sean Astin, David Faustino, and Corin Nemec, and the hunk by Mike Markoff (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

I have bad luck with junior high and high school comedies.  They invariably present their male characters as absurdly girl crazy, their every action designed to meet, impress, or win Girls! Girls! Girls!: "Let's join chess club -- there will be girls there!  Let's buy a new skateboard -- we can use it to get girls!  Let's jump out of an airplane -- maybe a girl will see us!"

I'm reviewing the "School Dance" episode with my "heteronormative erasure!" complaints ready.

Review after the break

Lost in Space (the original series): Camp sci-fi with with a cute boy and a cool robot. Plus Billy Mumy all grown up.

My parents didn't approve of science fiction -- they thought it would promote atheism.  But   Lost in Space (1965-68) aired before their favorite hayseed comedies, The Beverly Hillbillies and Green Acres -- so we watched.  

In the far-future year 1999, a family of space colonists sets off for Alpha Centauri in their cool flying-saucer spaceship, the Jupiter 2.  An evil spy sabotages the ship, so they veer off course, and are "lost in space."  Presumably they have warp drive.

The first season featured realistic science-fiction adventures, but then it become more and more camp, like Batman, the competition on the other channel, culminating in a giant talking carrot that wanted to change the Robinsons into trees. 

I don't remember much, just scattered images: 

A lonely boy from the other side of the looking-glass.

A demonic being claiming that he's as human as the rest of them.

The robot saying "Danger, Will Robinson!"

An alien robot saying "Crush! Kill! Destroy!"

And I remember the fandom.  Kids loved Lost in Space.  Star Trek was too grown-up -- Captain Kirk was always kissing a scantily-clad alien babe -- but Lost had no hetero-romance (at least we didn't notice any).  

And Star Trek had no kids.  Lost had Billy Mumy (pronounced moo-mee), a busy child star with previous roles on The Twilight Zone and Village of the Giants Not only because he was cute, and knew it, getting teen idol attention at the age of twelve -- but because his character, Will Robinson, was bright and resourceful, a respected crew member, never told "you're just a kid" or "wait here where it's safe."

Star Trek had no comic relief, but Lost had Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris), an accidental stowaway (originally an enemy spy trapped aboard while trying to sabotage the voyage, but they soon forgot about that).  Some fans think today remember him as a pedophile with an inappropriate interest in Will, but I recall their relationship was completely innocent.  They were friends because he was a big kid himself, an unrestrained id.  Plus lazy, cowardly, and  incompetent, so none of the adults wanted to hang out with him.

 

John Robinson (Guy Williams), the patriarch of the family (Guy Williams), didn't have much to do: Will and Dr. Smith stole the show.  But I recall that he was not at all interested in girls. He had a wife, Maureen (June Lockhart), but they behaved like colleagues, with few moments of tenderness and none of intimacy. 

Guy Williams had previously starred in several buddy-bonding projects, including Zorro (1957-59) and Damon and Pythias (1962), leading to speculation that he was gay in real life.  

    

More after the break

Lias Karp: Teen kickboxer, fashion model and "beautiful boyfriend" from Bühl. But has he done any acting?

 

I was interested in profiling Lias Karp because of his unusual name (maybe short for Elias?), and because he's built.  Looks like a boxer.  He'd better have some acting experience, too. 

His Instagram says that he is a model/actor/athlete, into "fashion, sports, motivation, and life by the sea." 47,000 followers.  Dude is busy. 

Dude, put a shirt on.  You're built, we get it.  You don't need to be flexing in every single photo.  How are you going to model clothes, if all you display his your biceps and abs?

Ok, here's a reel where he's wearing a shirt.

No, he takes it off.

While I'm scrolling through the endless shirtless photos and reels on his Instagram and Facebook pages, I might as well check to see if Lias is gay.

A lot of boy-hugging, only one girl-hugging photo, and someone named Derrick calls him "my beautiful boyfriend."

But Lias is a teen kickboxer with a shelf full of trophies.  I can't imagine that a lot of gay teens choose that particular sport.    

But I don't think a lot of straight boys are into fashion. 

Maybe we can get a clue from his acting credits. 

More after the break

The Top 10 Hunks of Cobra Kai, aka Karate Kid: The Next Generation

June 22, 1984:  Karate Kid premieres.  Diminuitive, baby-faced good guy Danny Russo, wearing pure white and mellowed by Taoist wisdom, clobbers the snarling, black-clad, bullying, hulking Johnny Lawrence.  Purity defeats corruption, light defeats darkness, good scores a definitive win over evil.  The audience cheers.

Forty years pass.  We are older but not wiser.  The world has grown cold and dark.  Homophobia, transphobia, racism, fundamentalist screaming, evils that we thought long-banished grow stronger and stronger.  Every day we thought "It can't happen here -- can it?" Then we realize that it already has.  We need a new hero, a new baby-faced warrior in a white robe who can definitively defeat the Darkness.

May 2, 2018: The Youtube series Cobra Kai reunites Danny and Johnny.

Except Danny is no longer a bastion of purity, and Johnny is no longer a sneering, bullying Dark Lord.  Both do despicable things, while the younger generation tries to find its way.

Johnny (William Zabka old photo)  is middle-aged, unattractive, and poor, working at odd jobs, dreaming of his glory days.

2. One day Johnny saves a neighborhood boy, Miguel (Xolo Maridueña), from some bullies, and is inspired to re-open Cobra Kai, the karate dojo full of black-robed miscreants that bedeviled Danny Russo a generation ago.  Oddly enough,his teaching method involves bullying.

Johnny also starts dating Miguel's mom until she starts dating someone else, and he attacks the competitor.

3. Miguel enlists some of his bullied friends to join Cobra Kai, including the disabled Hawk (Jacob Bertrand, left).  Hawk goes over to the Dark Side of the Force after his girlfriend Moon comes out as bisexual and briefly dates a girl.

4. And the nerd Demetri (Gianni Decenzo).  Fans expected him to come out and start dating Hawk, but the spineless showrunners just queerbaited him.

5. Meanwhile Danny (Ralph Macchio), who beat Johnny all those years ago,  has had nothing but good luck.  Karma, I guess.   He's still teen-idol hot, and he has achieved the heterosexist trajectory of job (car dealership), house, wife, and kid (daughter Samanta).

When he discovers that Cobra Kai is opening again, Danny is livid with rage, and tries all sorts of dirty tricks to shut it down or otherwise harass his old nemesis.

More after the break

Sonny Kendall: Obviously gay, too young for n*de photos, so his EastEnder teen had better pay off. With Boreanaz and twink c*cks

 

Link to the n*de dudes 

 Sonny Kendall (the short one) appeared on the teen idol website flexing and hugging guys.  These two are nearly holding hands.

As of this writing, he is 16 years old, so I won't be looking for n*de photos (beefcake is ok).   

I've checked his social media, and there's no question that he's gay. 

Left: Sonny's date starts hugging before they even get a chance to order.  

So this profile will just answer Question #1: Any gay roles?

Sonny was born in East London in 2010.  He was attending the Rhodes Theatre School in Romford in 2021, when he was cast in the soap EastEnders.

Whoops, it looks like the EastEnders gig is Sonny's only on-screen role.  But it has gotten him nominations for Best Young Performer at the British Soap Awards in 2022 and 2025,  Rising Star at the National Television Awards (2023), and Favourite Young Actor at the TV Times Awards.  So let's check it out.

The East End, north of the Thames and east of the Tower, is known for its Cockney rhyming slang, poverty, crime, and industrial blight.  This is where Jack the Ripper found  his victims, and Oscar Wilde found his rentboys.  

In the 1990s, my boyfriend Lane and I went to the World Congress of LGBT Jews, held in a hotel on the Isle of Dogs, East London.  It was dreadful. 

The soap opera EastEnders, on since 1985, features the  impoverished, the down-and-out, and the criminal .  We don't see British versions of the Lords of One Life to Live or the Quartermaines of General Hospital.  At least, not many of them.

It is known for "difficult," controversial plot arcs, involving murder, r*pe, drug addiction, and human trafficking.  And LGBT people.  The first gay male kiss on British tv, between boyfriends Colin and Guido (Michael Cashman, Nicholas Donovan), in 1987.   It didn't happen on American tv until 2003.

On RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: When you search for n*de photos of Nicholas Donovan, this one appears.  I think it's David Boreanaz.

Sonny's character, Tommy Moon, is the son of Kat and Alfie Moon (Shane Ritchie), who have a tumultuous relationship, with various infidelities, a brain tumor, prostate cancer. an injury in a fire, and having twin sons named Bert and Ernie.   Oh, and Tommy turns out to be the biological son of Alfie's cousin, the villainous Michael Moon (Steve John Shepherd, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

Tommy is born in 2010, and starts out life in a controversial plotline about being switched with a deceased baby.  It takes a few plot twists for Alfie and Kat to realize that their kid is actually alive, and get him back.  He lives through more murders, diseases, and infidelities until 2014 , when the parents win the lottery and get the heck out of the East End.

Mom Kat returns in 2016, followed by an estranged Alfie and the kids, with Tommy played by Shay Crotti.  His next plotline involves being diagnosed with dyslexia, being bullied at school, and hating his life, in spite of the attempts of Mum's new boyfriend Kush (Davood Ghadami, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) to be a positive role model. They all leave town again in 2020.

More after the break.  

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe does stuff with the Devil, Vance is homophobic, and Kelvin is doomed. With a stunt c*ck and a n*de Hamletdskeeper's backside

Link to the d*cks 

Title: "To Grieve Like the Rest of Men Who Have No Hope," 1 Thessalonians 4.13.  Paul is telling his followers not to grieve "like men who have no hope," since they will see their loved ones again in heaven.

The Intruder: 2002.  During a thunderstorm, an intruder breaks into the house, smashes a photo of Eli and Aimee-Leigh and some other memorabilia, and takes the gold-plated Bible from the Civil War.  Close up of a destroyed framed magazine cover promising "Hot Gossip" and featuring Brendan Fraser.

The intruder continues into the playroom and smashes a photo of the siblings and Kelvin's army men.  There's a muscle man in skimpy underwear, denoting that Kelvin is gay.

He lifts up the bed to find a hiding 12-year old Kelvin, who screams.  Notice the enclosed space. They will appear often in the episode, giving the viewer a sense of disquiet. The family is trapped.

Night Sweats: Kelvin awakens screaming from a nightmare.   Keefe notes that his nocturnal terrors and night sweats are getting worse, and uses a towel to daub him, but Kelvin insists that it was just a nightmare, and goes back to sleep. I'm worried about the night sweats -- when I was living in West Hollywood in the 1980s, they were the first sign that you were HIV positive.  But surely they don't mean that Kelvin is sick.  

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 1: Kelvin hates storms; it's like the Devil is doing his business on you.  Keefe agrees, with a amazing monologue about the Devil pouring down his TT on people, who think it's a wine cooler or kombucha, and drink it.   He looks out into the storm and says "Your hot sorcery p* can't hurt us in here. Begone, Devil"  but the Dark Lord is already inside: Keefe has a no-hands adult thing. 

There are several takeaways here.  

1. Keefe now has a nipple ring.

2. He is into water sports.  

3. He has just, in effect, did it with the Devil.  

4. The Gemstones aren't safe.  There's a devil among them.

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 2:  Looks like that devil is Lori.  She finishes doing stuff with Eli in the bathroom -- another enclosed space -- and tells him "You're so bad!"  She is tempting him to evil, like the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

Then they go out to a family picnic.  We meet Lori's son Corey (Seann William Scott, top photo), who used to spend time with the siblings and thinks that their squabbling is hilarious, and his ditzy wife Jana (Arden Myrin).  

The scene seems to be mostly ad-libbed cinéma vérité, allowing us to see the Gemstones in a moments of joy before things go very wrong.  Some takeaways:

1. No airport or shopping mall wanted to buy the Prayer Pods, so Jesse is humiliated. 

2. Keefe says that on Gay Reddit, they're called "squirt yurts."  This is the first time he has said "gay."

3. They make fun of Eli for being too old and uncool to attract women, but Lori defends him: "Looks pretty cool to me."  

Later, the siblings and Corey see Eli and Lori together, and laugh at the idea that they could be involved.

The Last Safe Space: On the way home, Keefe images that Kelvin has won the Top Christian Man award by default, with all of the other nominees dead.  Weird.

Then they see that Kelvin's childhood treehouse is being demolished.  The Groundskeeper (Brian Sides) says that it was damaged heavily in the storm, and is unstable, but Kelvin insists that they don't touch it. Another safe space gone.  

Left: Michael Rooker, who is credited on the IMDB for the episode, but we don't know who he is playing.  Yet.  

The Groundskeeper's backside is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Burning Down the House:  In the board room, Jesse is mentoring Gideon by demonstrating church management.  His Leadership Team enters: the usual crew (Gregory, Levi, Chad, Matthew), plus Martin.  

Bad news: Vance Simkins, one of the antagonists from Season 3, is back, opening a  new church in a mini-mall right next to a Gemstone satellite church.  

Chad suggests burning Vance's church down, but Jesse is trying to be a role model for Gideon, so he takes Martin's suggestion: the siblings could perform at the satellite church, to ensure that members don't defect. 

BJ Falls from the Sky: The male pole-dancing competitition. 

In the locker room, Judy gives BJ a pep talk: "Eye of a tiger, d*ick of a horse."  A guy with a horse d*ck walks by (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

BJ begins his routine, but then falls on his head.  Judy screams for an ambulance.  This was much too soon.  We needed several more scenes of BJ practicing and performing.

BJ's stunt double and his c*ck are on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

More after the break

Deadloch: A Lesbian detective, a n*de male body on the beach, a chunk brother, Luke Hemsworth, and a seal. In Tasmania, probably

 

Usually tv series about a small-town murder begin with a a dead woman (whose naked body is featured), and a male and a female detective are assigned to the case, and fall in love.  In Deadloch, on Amazon Prime, it's a dead man and two female detectives: a big genre change.  

Scene 1: Night.  Two women walk through the town of Deadloch to the beach, where they stumble upon a n*ked man, dead, face up.  One accidentally drops her cigarette onto his extremely impressive p*nis (don't worry, he's not really dead, so it's ok to look).

Cut to the mayor being interviewed on tv about Deadloch's summer festival, an important event for the Tasmanian coastal community.  We see a lot of underwear hung up to dry.  Two women, Dulcie and Cath, are doing bedroom stuff  (fully clothed, thank God). Then Cath goes to workat Deadloch Veterinary Services, and Dulcie (pronounced DULL-CEE) gets a call  about the murder!

Scene 2: Dulcie, the head Constable, and her team, Abby and Sven (Tom Ballard, left), examine the body.  

He's got tattoos from the Deadloch Football (Soccer) Club, and another  of footballer Trent Latham.  So he's a football fan.

The Commissioner calls and refers to the body as "she."  Dulce informs him that it's a "he."  Surprised, he muses: "This sort of thing, you expect a woman." 

 99.99% of the time, yes/  I can't tell you how often a tv series or movie blurb on Netflix begins with "When a woman's body is found."

"Forensics is coming, and we've recruited a detective from Darwin, to lead the case.  Until they arrive, you're in charge."  Darwin?  But that's on the other side of the country from Tasmania, a 7-hour plane flight.  Maybe they mean Darwin Street in Hobart? But that's just a residential street, with no police department.    Did I make a mistake, and this is actually set in the Northwest Territories?

Scene 3: The Deadloch Football Club.  "Where's coach?"   Cut to forensics examining the crime scene.   Constable Dulcie calls her wife to tell her about being assigned to the case.  "But you promised, no more detective work!"

The teenage Tom (Harry Radbone, left) shows up, and recognizes the body as his coach.  Coach's Wife and her son have been notified, and show up screaming.  Someone tackles the Wife to to keep her from seeing the body -- unsuccessfully.  

Dulcie interviews the Wife about their movements last night: "We ate tuna mornay, watched Ninja Warrior, and went to bed and made love."  

"Can anyone verify that?"  Um...the making love part?  "Yes, my son heard us." 

"Did The Coach go to the Beast Master Gym that his brother Gavin co-owns?"  Notice how skillfully they engage in plot exposition?  "No, Gavin was at the harbor putting decals on the boat for their new business, Pro-Bro (protein for bros)."

More after the break