Harry Potter's private file: The top 12 n*de, beefcake, and gay-subtext performances of Daniel Radcliffe

Link to the n*de photos

You know that the last of the Harry Potter movies was released nearly 15 years ago.

You haven't returned to them because the world is so complex and self-referential, and because there are a lot of problems that you didn't notice as a kid.  Antisemitic Goblins?  Slaves who enjoy their slavery?  A headmaster who is gay, but we can never mention it on screen?  

But you still think of Daniel Radcliffe as David Copperfield...um, I mean the Boy Who Lived, and emerged from Under the Staircase to enrolle at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. 

As of this writing, Daniel Radcliffe is 36 years old, with 49 acting credits.  Most move him far away from Hogwarts, to worlds where gay people -- and male body parts -- exist.  Here are his top 10 n*de, beefcake, and gay-subtext performances:

1. Merrily We Roll Along (2025), which is not about the theme song to the Looney Tunes.  It's about two heterosexual chums in love with the same girl.

2. Now You See Me, Now You Don't (2025) brings the Horsemen out of retirement for a diamond heist (are we expect to know who the Horsemen are?). Daniel plays the villain.  I think the guy with him is hired muscle, not his boyfriend.

3. The Lost City (2022) sounds like a remake of Romancing the Stone, with romance novelist Loretta kidnapped in the jungle.  It's up to her cover model/Love Interest (Channing Tatum) to rescue her.  We see his backside, but only so Loretta can pick leeches off it.  Daniel plays the (presumably straight) villain.

4. Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022) is a biopic of the parody song performer.  Entirely heteronormative -- dude even dates Madonna, which didn't happen in real life.  I liked this scene:

Al: "Welcome to my house.  Would you like a tour?"

Madonna: "There's only one room in this house that I'm interested in."

Al: "Oh, there's a bathroom down the hall."

5. The Jungle (2017): in 1981, the Israeli backpacker Yossi Ghinsberg and his buddies set out to search for a lost city in the Bolivian jungle.  But the jungle has other ideas.

I haven't seen it, but keyword searches don't reveal any gay subtexts.

6. Guns Akimbo (2019) was too heteronormative: a mild-mannered video game geek unwittingly signs up for a game where you fight to the death in real time. His opponent/Love Interest is a lady.  Come on, dude, you've only played one "openly gay" character.  Get with the allyship.

But we see Daniel's prosthetic d*ck missing the toilet.

More after the break

"Playdate": Paul Blart plays with Reacher, his gay son with a mysterious super-strong boy. With plot twists, Blart backside, and a Reacher rod

Link to the n*de dudes

I was born at the tail end of the Baby Boom, when 77 million people were growing up in the U.S., so I could just walk outside and find nine or ten boys my own age to play with.  But today there are fewer kids, they live farther away, and parents are worried that if you go outside by yourself, you'll be grabbed by human traffickers or serial killers, so they arrange for you and a kid you barely know to go on a scheduled and heavily supervised "play date."     

When a movie called Playdate (2025) dropped on Amazon Prime, I checked the promo -- two dads, one of them Reacher (Alan Ritchson), and two boys.  There had to be some gay-subtext buddy-bonds in there!   

Scene 1: Ugh, the other Dad is Kevin James, star of Paul Blart Mall Cop, The King of Queens, and other mishegas that I've never seen but understand to be heterosexist, homophobic, and dumber than Adam Sandler.  He plays lacrosse coach Brian, who puts his kid Lucas (Benjamin Pajak) into the game even though he's terrible and the other members hate him.  That's called nepotism, buddy.

Blart convinces Lucas that he'll make a good play, walk across the field in slow motion as his teammates cheer, and impress girls.  Meeting/ impressing/ winning girls as the only reason boys do anything, established at minute 2.3.

"I love you, Dad!" Lucas exclaims, but the homophobic Blart shushes him.  You must never admit that same-sex love exists, not even the familial love of a parent and child.  The proper expression is "I like you."

Lucas makes the play, but tries to walk across the field in slow motion, and the opposing team clobbers him.  His teammates all hate him.  Also, he's severely injured.

Scene 2: Mom suggests that maybe Lucas isn't cut out for sports.  "No!" Blart exclaims.  "He is a boy!  All boys are cut out for sports!  By the way, what's taking him so long in the bathroom?"

He's being assaulted by a gang of bullies.  Blart breaks it up, threatens to "kick the ass" of the head bully, then worries that his son thinks he's a coward for not going through with it.  If you beat up a 14-year old kid, you'd have more than that to worry about.

Lucas notes that he's used to the assault; it happens every day.  Mom is horrified, and suggests calling the Principal, but Blart says the parents can't intervene.  What is this, 1982?  He has to get to work, but when he returns, they will figure something out.

Scene 3: At work, Frat Executive (Kurt Long), Insanely Handsome Frat Executive (Luke Greenfield) and a Sorority Ex, are cheering at a nature show, as a leopard kills an antelope. Boss Trent (Miles Fisher) calls Blart in and tells him to fix the numbers in that account.  "But that would be fraud!"  "Ok, you're fired."  Wait -- we were introduced to all these characters for one scene?  They won't appear again?

At home that night, Lucas is dancing for his parents. Mom says "Shake it, girl!"  Blart is not happy; if the kid doesn't drop the sissy act, people might think he's gay or something.  This guy is a total homophobe, and the year appears to be 1982.

Scene 4: Blart  takes Lucas to the park to force his inner manliness with a game of football.  He spies the super-buffed, effervescent Reacher,  with biceps the size of cannonballs, playing "lob football at the speed of sound" with his son, who looks like he can bench press his school.  

Reacher talks Blart into a one-on-one and tackles him, resulting in gay panic.  Meanwhile, CJ loves Lucas's hoodie and dance moves, and invites him home to see a tree that looks like Mark Ruffalo. Blart is scared of these people, but Reacher talks him into it. 

Something is wrong here.  Reacher is over-eager to be Blart's friend. His son CJ keeps glaring at him, and when he moves in for a hug, goes ballistic, punching, kicking, and biting. Is he being kidnapped?

Scene 5: They arrive at the house. Reacher hugs Blart tightly.  Lucas: "Isn't Reacher super-strong and cool, and look how big he is?"  Don't you hate it when your boyfriend is more interested in your Dad?

While Lucas and CJ are in the back yard smooching...I mean, dancing...Reacher gets even more creepy.  He mentions a dead wife nonchalantly, but doesn't remember her name.  Or what CJ stands for. 

They go to lunch at Buckee Cheese's, where bad guys attack. Reacher manages to subdue them, but when they rush to the car and drive away, six or seven carloads of assassins give chase. 

More after the break

Shayne Topp: Nickelodeon teen, Barry's buddy, bodybuilder, sketch comedian who pretends to be gay and huge down there. We'll see.

  

Link to the n*de photos

The Goldbergs (2017-23) was a nostalgic look at showrunner Adam F. Goldberg's childhood experiences in the 1980s, with Sean Giambrone as a stand-in for Adam.  I wasn't a fan: most of the experiences involved attempts to meet, impress, or win The Girl of His Dreams.  But it aired in the same block with Speechless and Modern Family, in the days before we went to all-streaming services, so we had no choice but to watch.  

I liked Adam's older brother Barry (Troy Gentile), a muscular wrestler, and in Season 2, the gay-vague hippie-chill Matt (Shayne Topp), who struggles become his friend and join the Jenkintown Posse.  As far as I remember, he never displayed any heterosexual interest, and he had a queer-coded attraction to Barry.

Plus he was exceptionally cute,  and at 5'7", he was a member of the Short Guy Brigade.  Who could ask for anything more of actor Shayne Topp?

How about a muscular physique?

And other parts of interest.

Into tie-up games.

And a reader.

Born in 1991 in Florida, Shayne  played the unrequited crush of a Yu'pik girl in Dear Lemon Lima (2009).  He was a regular in the teen variety show So Random (2011-12), and appeared in episodes of ICarly, Henry Danger, Sam & Cat, and Fred: The Show.  He also did some fashion and n*de modeling, but he is best known as a sketch comedian.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe kisses, Kelvin erects, and Eli breaks a twink's thumbs

 

Link to the n*de guys

In the last scene, Keefe is excluded from Sunday dinner with the family.  Now we see what he missed:

Judy and BJ accused of betraying the family because they got married at Disney World (by Prince Eric, the "hottest guy in the Disney catalog"), and because they don't have kids.  Judy argues that she's trying to keep her body "foine" to incite BJ's desire.  Nope, they need to make babies. The job/house/wife/ kids litany again.

There's also a jab at Kelvin's muscle obsession. It's not just homoerotic desire: Jesse thinks that desire of any sort is inconsistent with family.  

Left: Jonah Hauer-King, who played Prince Eric in the Litle Mermaid movie.

More Disruptions: We cut to Eli playing croquet, gazing at women, and flirting with a lady.  Suddenly Junior, his friend from his wrestling days, appears amid sinister music!   Eli ignores him and drives away.  A disruption of Eli's heterosexual dalliance, parallel to the God Squad disrupting the nuclear family procession earlier. 

My Mans:  The family flies to Florida to inspect the site of the Lyssons' proposed resort.   When they return, Keefe and the God Squad meet them at their private airfield.  The family is shocked: didn't they know about the God Squad? 

"Uh-oh, my mans!" Kelvin exclaims, rushing forward to tell Keefe "You are looking great!"  In Southern Coastal grammar, "mans" is singular, "mens" plural.  He means Keefe.

Keefe tries to move in for a kiss, but Kelvin blocks him with an awkward hug.  He tries again, and Kelvin blocks him again. Finally he makes a blatant "enough!" gesture and backs off.  Judy finds this little dance hilarious.   It reflects the couple's conflict this season: Keefe wants to join the family as Kelvin's partner, the equivalent of BJ, sitting at the dinner table being criticized, while Kelvin isn't sure that same-sex romance is even possible.  His muscle cult is about desire: no love allowed. 

We cut to Eli in his office, watching a tv news show: Thaniel Block being interviewed about the "salacious scandal" story that took down Pastor Butterfield.  How famous was this guy?  I thought he was just the anonymous pastor of a satellite church.  They preach "s*x only between married heterosexual partners, or you're going to hell," but privately they do everything under the sun.  Who will he target next?   Maybe Kelvin-- "Secretly gay youth minister and his stable of muscle boys."  Ulp.   

More after the break

Captain Tootsie

Captain Tootsie is one of the more interesting  superheroes of the Golden Age of Comics.  Debuting in 1943,  he sold Tootsie Rolls, those brown sugar-corn syrup concoctions, which gave him the "quick energy" to save the day.  His half-page adventures appeared in hundreds of comics, from Action Comics and Captain Marvel to A Date with Judy to Man. 

Captain Tootsie Battles Monster Man!
Captain Tootsie Tames a Tornado!
Captain Tootsie Traps Killer Bear with Invisible Light!
Captain Tootsie and the Return of Dr. Narsty!

Sometimes his adventures were a bit less urgent:

Captain Tootsie Saves School Party!
Captain Tootsie at the Winter Carnival!

 

Here he saves the world from Dr. Narsty, who has stolen a kid's toy cannon.  Hootin' Zoots! 

Captain Tootsie was drawn as a very muscular blond in a red shirt, yellow belt, and blue pants, which didn't look anything like the familiar brown-and-white tootsie roll.

His most frequent sidekick was Rollo ("roll-o", get it?), a miniature version of himself with blond hair, a red shirt, and pecs.

Sometimes he also hung out with Fisty, a petite black-haired boy wearing a suit; and Fatso, who had curly orange hair and wasn't very fat by today's standards.


More after the break

Daniel DeSanto: The gay kid in the Midnight Society, a Mean Girl, a Sicilian assassin, a short guy with a big ___. Who cares if he's straight?

  

Link to the n*de photos

Submitted for your approval: Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark (1992-1996), an anthology of ghost and horror stories told by -- and evaluated by -- a group of teenagers called the Midnight Society.  

It aired at 5:30 pm on weeknights and 9:30 pm on Saturday night, so I didn't watch often, but I recall a few episodes. 

"The Tale of the Water Demon": Tony Sampson steals a gold watch, which draws the wrath of the water demon and threatens his gay-subtext buddy, Charlie Hofheimer

"The Tale of the Zombie Dice":  Jay Baruchel fights a video arcade owner who is shrinking teens and selling them as pets.

"The Tale of the Phantom Cab": While lost in the woods, Jason Tremblay (no relation to Jason Tremblay) stumbles upon a monstrous being who keeps teenagers captive unless they can solve a riddle.

And I recall three of the teen actors who appeared in the frame sections, squabbling, flirting, forming alliances:

Bookish intellectual Gary (Ross Hull, left), the leader.

Frank (Jason Alisharan) the leather-jacket bad boy

Prank-loving, irreverent Tucker (Daniel DeSanto, right), Frank's younger brother, who joins the Midnight Society in Season 3, and stays through the series finale.  He becomes the leader of the Midnight Society in the revival series (1999-2000).

You're probably expecting a profile of Ross Hull, who is gay in real life, and rather built; but Gary turned me off by crushing on Sam (a girl) and eventually dating her.  

Frank competed for Sam's affections, too. 

But Tucker never expressed any heterosexual interest; indeed, he seemed to have a "he's arrogant!" love-hate attraction to Frank. 

He pushes to get his friend Stig (Codie Wilbie) to be admitted to the group in Season 6.  In the revival series, he and his friend Quinn (Kareem Blackwell) found the new Midnight Society together.    

Plus his stories are about friendships that are threatened, or grow stronger, through paranormal peril.  A lot of gay coding for Nickelodeon in the 1990s.

I didn't follow any of Daniel's post-Dark works. Somehow I had the impression that he played Elaine's boyfriend Jake on Seinfeld (a recovering alcohol, he goes off the wagon due to Jerry's negligence, and seeks revenge).  But the episode aired in 1991, when Daniel was 11 years old.  Jake was actually played by David Naughton. 

When I was reviewing an episode of 100 Things to Do Before High School for my profile of Max Ehrich, I thought I saw him playing Mr. Roberts, the guidance counselor, but that's Jack De Sena

Our Daniel, a Toronto native, was a busy child and teen actor, specializing in horror for obvious reasons:

Gabe, who visits Egypt with his uncle and uncovers a mummy's curse in two episodes of Goosebumps (1995).

Theo in two episodes of The New Ghostwriter Mysteries (1997): he helps the gang and the ghost foil a corrupt cop, and later, thieves who target seemingly worthless items.

Zeke, a teenage theater employee who helps Taylor Handley foil The Phantom of the Megaplex (2000).  

More after the break

Weird Science, the movie and tv show: three gay-subtext couples, two gay-vague guys, and a lot of beefcake.

Link to the n*de dudes

Weird Science (1985) is a John Hughes brat pack comedy with a paranormal twist. Nerds Gary and Wyatt's (Anthony Michael Hall, Ilan-Mitchell Smith) are discouraged because the Girls of Their Dreams are dating a pair of belligerent, obnoxious preppies (Robert Downey Jr., Robert Rusler), and won't give them a chance.  So they use a computer to create their perfect dream girl, Lisa: she is not only attractive but super-smart, plus she has magical powers.

I forget most of the plot after 40 years, but wikipedia has helpfully filled in the details, Instead of dating them, Lisa conjures them a car, gets them fake ids, and hosts a wild party, where she thwarts their adversaries and their bullying older brother, military-school graduate Chet (Bill Paxton).

She also summons a pack of rabid bikers to kidnap the Girls, so Gary and Wyatt can mount a daring rescue and win them.

It was cheesy stuff, and entirely heteronormative.  There was a scattering of the incessant homophobia that one sees in every John Hughes movie, but spewed by the evil Chet, not by one of the good guys.  That was a big win in the era.  

Plus some strong gay subtexts between Gary and Wyatt and the prettyboy preppies Ian and Max.  And quite a surprising amount of beefcake

I wanted to do a "any gay roles/are they gay in real life" profile of one of the guys, but I can't find anything suitable.

Don't pay attention to the femme-half shirt and girly beneath-the-belt stuff.  Ilan-Mitchell Smith, now a history professor, is straight in real life.

Anthony Michael Hall, the darling of the Brat Pack, appeared in Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and Johnny B Goode, and as an adult The Dead Zone and Awkward.  Straight characters, with maybe one exception, and straight in real life.

Brat Packer Robert Downey Jr. appeared in Back to School, The Pick-Up Artist, Johnny B. Goode, became famous for Chaplin (playing the silent-era comedian), and went on to play Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes.  More straight characters, with maybe one exception, and....well, you get the idea.

At least we know that Robert Rusler is a gay ally: he befriended his Nightmare on Elm Street 2 co-star Mark Patton, and took him to some of the gay bars in West Hollywood (no, we never met).  But his tv work, in The Outsiders, Babylon 5, Snoops, Murder She Wrote, Bones, Ray Donovan...as far as I can tell, all heteronormative.  And...straight in real life.

Let's try the Weird Science TV Series.

It aired on the USA Network from 1994 to 1998. I watched on occasion, usually while on the treadmill at the gym. Gary and Wyatt are now played by Michael Manasseri and John Mallory Asher. Lisa characterizes herself as a "magic genie," and Wyatt's parents are absent, leaving his older brother Chet (Lee Tergesen) to look after/bully them.  

The "winning the Girl of Our Dreams" plotline appeared in just the first two or three episodes; later Lisa turns the boys into girls, clones them,  turns them into rock stars, traps them in a horror movie, traps them in The Twilight Zone, transports them to the Old West, and brings a video game villain to life. 

More after the break

"The Wizard of Id": 1970s satire comic strip with buddy-bonding, a gay knight, and "The President...um, I mean the King... is a fink"

During the early 1950s, Brant Parker, a political cartoonist living in Binghamton, New York, befriended high school student Johnny Hart, and encouraged him to submit his cartoons to magazines.  

Hart placed a few in The Saturday Evening Post, but his big break came in 1958, when B.C., a comic strip about sarcastic cavemen, was picked up by Comic Creators’ Syndicate.  Soon he was being lauded as the most promising of the new crop of hip young comic artists.  

Always an iconoclast, he presaged Doonesbury in introducing political satire into his daily strips.  In his  later years, he became a fundamentalist Christian, and started having his cavemen voice his beliefs.  How do prehistoric cavemen even know about Good Friday?  

A few years later, Hart approached Brant Parker, who had remained a close friend, and again breaking tradition, asked him to collaborate on a strip about the sarcastic residents of a Medieval kingdom; The Wizard of Id began in 1964, and continues today, the work of Brandt's son Jeff Parker and Hart's grandson Mason Mastroianni.

We didn't get the strip in the Rock Island Argus, but I found it in dozens of small paperback collections published during the 1970s: The Peasants are Revolting ("you can say that again"), Remember the Golden Rule, The Wizard's Back, Every Man is Innocent Until Proven Broke, I'm Off to See the Wizard ("you'd have to be").

Though named after the inept Wizard,   Wizard of Id is an ensemble strip, involving the daily interactions of many strongly drawn characters: 

Tiny, blustering King Id

Troub, a hippie troubadour

Bung, the drunken court jester

Spook, who has been in the dungeon for so long that he is a mass of  hair

Tthe Lone Haraunger, who scrawls his slogan, “The King is a Fink,” under the King’s nose

Robbing Hood, who “takes from the wretch, and gives to the peer”

Rodney, a cowardly knight.  

Id is a decidedly male preserve where women are demonized or simply ignored: the Wizard’s wife Blanche is the fat, ugly harridan who figures so prominently in the sets of Borscht Belt comedians, and the Lady Gwen has no strong personality traits, and seems to exist simply to express an unrequited love for Rodney.  Eschewing the heterosexual hijinks that preoccupy the minds of most characters in non-nuclear family strips, from Peanuts to Garfield and even Johnny Hart’s earlier B.C., residents of Id spend most of their time buddy-bonding.  

When Rodney is released from a curse that turned him into a statue, it is Bung, not the Lady Gwen, who joyfully reunited with him.  

Yodey, a dumb but massive squire, treats Rodney with an admiration that treads the line between hero worship and romance.  Even the King, who never expresses interest in women, rarely appears without Rodney or the Duke at his side.

The buddy-bonding alone  made The Wizard of Id a welcome relief from the "girls! girls! girls!" we saw on tv, in movies, in comics -- well, everywhere else.  But it gets better: there's a gay-vague character.

More after the break

Lemogang Tsipa: a gay Trojan, a warlord from Atlantis, and Shaka Zulu. With c*cks, circumcision, and Matthew McConaughey

 

Link to the n*de photos

I wanted to profile Lemogang Tsipa because he has an unusual name, which I keep confusing with Lemongrab from Adventure Time (it actually means "Recognition" in Tswana).

And because his character had a bisexual three-way (and kissed a dude) in Troy: Fall of a City, so maybe he is gay or bi in real life.  

Plus he is super-handsome.

Basic bio: Lemogang was born in 1991 in Empangani, South Africa (about two hours from Durban). His father is Pedi and his mother Tswana, so he grew up multilingual, fluent in English, Afrikaans, Xhosa, Zulu, and Tswana.

At age nine, he was diagnosed with ADHD, but he was able to channel his energy into chess, swimming, soccer, hockey -- and dramatics.  He graduated from Grantleigh College,  a boarding school in Richards Bay, and the South African School of Motion Picture Medium (BFA, 2012).

Lemogang's film debut came in the South African Felix (2013), and his first international film was Alien Outpost (2014), about the aftermath of an alien invasion.

More international film roles followed: 

He played Addo in the contemporary adaption of Roots (2016), with Malachi Kirby as Kunta Kinte and Rege-Jean Page (left) as Chicken George

Phedon in the Stephen King fantasy The Dark Tower (2017), starring Idris Elba and Matthew McConaughey (left, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends)

Patroklus, lover of Achilles, in Troy: Fall of a City (2017).

 

But most of Lemogang's work has been in South Africa:

Amandla (2022), featuring two brothers (Lemogang, Thabo Rametsi) on opposite sides of the law.

Blood Psalms (2022) is set 11,000 years ago, shortly after the House of Kemet fled the destruction of Atlantis and settled in Africa.   While the Five Tribes gather to celebrate the politically-motivated wedding of King Letsha (Mothusi Magano), his daughter, Princess Zazi, becomes pregnant with a baby whose birth will fortell the End of Days.

There are also various scheming pretenders to the throne, sorcerers, orphans with disputed parentage, and hangers-on hiding terrible secrets. 

More after the break.

Gemstones Episode 2.1: Junior likes d*cks, Kelvin likes pecs, and f*k yeah, we got both!

 

Link to NSFW review

Righteous Gemstones Season 2 is my favorite.  Season 1 muddled the Gideon-Scotty plotline, Season 3 had some infuriating queerbaiting, and Season 4 was rushed and muddled, but Season 2 did the Kelvin/Keefe and Junior/Eli romances exactly right.    

Memphis Soul Stew: Memphis, 1968. Teenage Eli Gemstone, the Maniac Kid (Jake Kelley), is playing a heel, a pro wrestling villain: "from the wrong side of the tracks, a newcomer to the League, all muscle, all attitude."  He fights dirty, pretending to reconcile with opponent Kyle Hawk, then throwing him out of the ring.  

As he fights, his manager Glendon Marsh (Wayne Duvall) cheers. Glendon's teenage son Junior (Tommy Nelson) watches, sometimes happy but usually disturbed.  Is he jealous of the attention Eli is getting?  Is he a rebellious teenager during the era of the Generation Gap?.

Junior is gay: In the locker room, Glendon offers Eli "some bonus pay on the South Side," while Junior looks on, smoking a cigarette, still either jealous or angry. As they leave, they pass a n*de guy.  Junior is so busy looking that he trips, and then looks back again.  The boy is definitely into men.

Jim Crow Must Go:  As they drive through a black neighborhood on the South Side of Memphis, near where Martin Luther King, Jr. will be assassinated on April 4th.  Junior looks out at the townsfolk in disgust. 

Suddenly they are surrounded civil rights protestors: "Jim Crow must go!" "We protest injustice."  Junior calls them "bums," which was usually applied to hippies, not African-Americans, leading me to believe that something changed between writing the script and hiring the background actors.  Glendon punches him: "they just want what everybody wants, a piece of the fucking pie."

Ok, Junior is racist, and Glendon is abusive, but why this scene? Hiring background players, costume, and staging must have been very time-consuming, with no payoff: civil rights are never mentioned again.  

The Loan Enforcer: Glendon is a loan shark as well as a wrestling manager: the job involves beating up a deadbeat.  Eli and Junior both go, squabbling over who's the boss.  

"Kill 'em!" we hear.  Psych!  It's the tv.  We meet a slovenly, drunken, foul-mouthed, abusive jackass of a husband.  While Junor subdues his wife and baby, Eli punches him a few times and asks for the money, and when he doesn't have it, breaks his thumbs. Junior laughs "derangedly" (according to the subtitles).

Afterwards Glendon drops Eli off, hands him some money, and tells him, "Buy yourself something nice." This is a feminizing statement. 

As Eli drives off on his motorcycle, we hear Buck Owens' "Tall Dark Stranger":

 They say a tall dark stranger is a demon, and  that a devil rides closely by his side.

 So if Junior is the demon, Eli must be the devil riding beside him.  How long will they ride together?

Abusive Daddies all the way down:  Eli drives to the Gemstone residence (it's not a stage name, apparently), where his abusive dad chastises him for being late for dinner. So they're eating after Eli's wrestling match?  Like at 11 or 12 pm?   There's also a mousy, skittish mom and a little sister, May-May (important in Season 3). 

Ordered to say grace, Eli jokes: "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat," which makes May-May laugh.  Dad slaps him.  End of flashback.

We're fine with the f*ggots:  In 2022, elderly Eli Gemstone is a megachurch pastor and televangelist.  He and the satellite church ministers are discussing the case of Pastor Butterfield (Victor Williams), caught with his wife and another woman in a dance club restroom, while they were all high on Molly ("we thought they were Sweetarts").  The story made the front page of The New York Times, thanks to reporter Thaniel Block (Jason Schwartzman), who has made a career of publicizing ministerial  scandals.  Eli wants to be lenient, but the others object. 

A Spanish speaking pastor explains: "My church is ok with the maricones, but we're not ready for swinging and tropus."     Pastor Diane translates: "His church is really cool with the gays and the queers, but not so much about the swingers and the thruples."  They fire Pastor Butterfield; he tries to commit suicide.

Left: God Squad pecs

Tell the girls:  A young man rides a motorcycle to the Gemstone Compound, doing crazy stunts (this will be important later), while the background song advises:

Tell the girls that I am back in town.  They'd better beware

They may run, and they may hide.

I'll follow, and I'll be there.

 At least we know that he's not the closeted gay minister.  He turns out to be Eli's grandson Gideon, back from a job as a stuntman to assist with the Gemstone ministry.  He's going to move into the house that Eli built for his abusive dad.

In other news, Gideon's younger brother Abraham has been leaving "secretions" all over the house, like in the freezer next to the Dreamsicles.  

We cut to a church service with Eli Gemstone and his children, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, announcing the start of their streaming service, GODD.  We see Jesse's wife Amber, their kids, and Judy's husband BJ in the audience.  No partner for Kelvin. He must be single

F*ck, yeah:  After the service, the family drives in a caravan to Jason's Steak House.  They get out of their cars in slow motion and walk past the al fresco area, heterosexual couples reveling in their nuclear family conformity, the "job, house, wife, kids" litany of my youth made visible. The background song brags about their heteronormative success:

Turn your head when I walk by -- I got the world at my feet.
All I want out of every day, is to wake up every morning
Sun is shining, smiling, and we've covered every room 

 Wait -- where's Kelvin?

Suddenly the record scratches off. Two vans pull up with a flexing muscle Christ and the logo "Strength above All Else." Twelve muscle men emerge, wearing identical canvas gis: the God Squad! Biceps and pecs, abs, bulging flexing intruding on the smug primness of the nuclear families. Wait -- where are the bulges.  They wear cargo pants that don't show anything.

There is no romance here.  There is no heterosexual desire.  It is raw homoerotic power. The song changes to:

F*ck, yeah!  F*ck, yeah!  F*ck, yeah!

More after the break

"North by North": An Inuk lady, her gay bff, some paranormal, some Inuk culture, and some musclemen. With Jay's junk and a bonus n*de dude

Link to the n*de dudes 

North of North (2025) appeared without warning on my Netflix list: a woman feels stifled in her tiny village in the Artic.  I can relate to that, so let's go.

Scene 1: While showering (only shoulders visible), a young woman  named Siaja explains that she's from as far north as you've ever been.  I think that's Calgary in the Western Hemisphere, and maybe Oslo in Europe.  Then much farther north than that: Ice Cove, Nunavut.  

A quirky Canadian small town and Inuit culture?  I'm there. 

Siaja has achieved the Canadian Dream, with a husband and child.  Only now husband Ting (Kelly William, top photo) is the Golden Boy of the town, and she's only known as his wife.

First up: he gets to drive the car to the Spring Festival, while she has to haul the supplies on a lame Ski-Doo (snowmobile).

Scene 2: She drops in at Mom's very nice house -- lots of windows -- and announces that because it's a new year, she's going to apply for a job.  Mom dispproves: you're a wife and mother. That's your job.

Mom opens the store next door, which sells artisanal soap and miscellaneous stuff.  Suddenly her hookup from last night walks in, shirtless.  Siaja asks where he was in 1998 -- he could be her father!  He scrams.  

Mom criticizes her for scaring all of her hookups away.  How many hookups could she get in a town of about 2,000, with no tourist trade and the nearest neighbor 300 miles away?

Left: I think the Handsome Man is played by Jeff Roup. who shows his d*ck on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Scene 3: Siaja leaves her child for Mom to babysit and heads for the town headquarters, which has a restaurant, some offices, and the radio station: DJ announces the seal hunt this afternoon and the naming of the festival king and queen this evening.

A blond woman named Helen, apparently the town mayor, comes in complaining about the 14-hour days that supervising the festival takes, while other town business just sits there.  Siaja butters her up with coffee and suggests other cultural activities spread through the year.  Didn't you just hear her?  And she wants to be hired as a full-time cultural manager. 

"Nope.  You have zero work experience and no leadership skills."

"But I see life and beauty in everything!"  At that moment, a guy walks in, wanting to know where to put the fish heads.

Scene 4: While Radio Announcer Colin (Bailey Poching) and a purple-haired woman are discussing how much partying to do tonight, Siaja comes into their office and screams.  Helen didn't even look at her job proposal.

Left: Bailey Poching is gay in real life.

"Why do you want a job anyway?"

"To make our community a better place...ok, I want something of my own."  

"But Inuit culture is all about community.  Your own needs are irrelevant."

When Helen comes in to order the others to get back to work, Siaja asks for a chance.  Couldn't you get a job, like, somewhere else?   Ok, a petition to prove that the town wants a cultural director.  500 signatures -- but that's a quarter of the town! -- by tonight!

More after the break

"Die Drei ???": Boy detectives in 44 books and 4 movies, most with gay subtexts. With a lot of co-star d*cks, but no Alfred Hitchcock

Link to the n*de dudes

The Three Investigators (1967-83) is an American boys' mystery series originally published as Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators, although the famous director rarely appears and plays no role in the stories:

The Mystery of the Green Ghost

The Mystery of the Screaming Clock

The Mystery of the Dancing Devil

The Mystery of the Sinister Scarecrow.

The Secret of Shark Reef

In all, 41 Mystery of and 4 Secret of.

The stories have been translated into over 20 languages.  In Germany, the investigators are Die Drei ???, pronounced Fragenzeichen, "Question Marks," after their business card.. 

The three boys:

The leader, future detective Jupiter: stocky/muscular, highly intelligent, able to piece together clues quickly.  His Uncle Titus' salvage yard provides many mysteries.

Athletic Peter takes on the dangerous assignments, like trailing suspects and rescuing his friends.  His father works in special effects in Hollywood, giving them access to movie-making mysteries.

Shy, sensitive, gay-vague Bob, who wears a leg brace, works at the library; he conducts the research in public and forbidden collections. His father is a journalist, giving them access to news-story mysteries.

I read three of the books back in the 2000s, when I was researching an article on queer codes in children's literature.  None of the investigators express any girl craziness, and the constant kidnapping, tight-squeezes, and nick-of-time rescues create many opportunities for buddy-bonding. Peter and Bob are so intimate that one almost expects them to be a canonical gay couple. So when I discovered that the trio has appeared in two German movies, I had to check them for gay subtexts (or maybe texts).

In the books, the boys are 13-14 years old, but  Julius Weckauf (Jupiter), Nevio Wendt (Peter), and Levi Brandl (Bob)  are 16-18, able to drive and get into more life-threatening situations. 

Die Drei ???: Erbe des Drachen, "The Dragon's Legacy" (2023): the boys have a summer internship on the set of the movie Dracula Rises, filming in Transylvania.  They investigate the disappearance of a boy 50 years ago, encountering a secret society and an "an undead creature." 

The trailer doesn't show anyone meeting the Girl of His Dreams, and Bob looks quite gay-stereotype feminine.  I'll take it as a queer code.

Mark Wachke, who starred in The Dark on Netflix, plays Peter's father, the special effects guy.

Die Drei ??? und der Karpathanhund, "The Carpathan Hound" (2025): gay gallery owner Mr. Prentice asks the boys to track down his stolen Carpathian Hound sculpture.  Darn, I thought it would be a "Hound of the Baskervilles" thing. 

Johannes Nussbaum (n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends) plays Sonny Elmquist. 

The trailer reveals lots of threatening villians, including a carnival devil. We see Peter rescuing Bob, and again, no Girl of His Dreams. Have they become a canonincal couple?

Plus a homophobic fan complains about "turning some characters gay."  Sounds like it is worth a review.

A third German movie, Die Drei ??? Toteninsel ("Death Island"), will premiere in 2026.

Wait -- "where to watch" showed that the movie is available on Amazon Prime, but apparently not in the U.S.  We'll have to make do with the trailers, and check to see if any of the actors are gay in real life. 

More after the break