David Faustino: Bud from "Married..with Children" is star-ving, humiliated, nekkid, and a gay ally

  

Link to the nekkid Bud Bundy

Everybody in West Hollywood watched Married..with Children (1987-1997) for its savage skewering of the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, kids.  Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill, later patriarch Jay of Modern Family) is working at a soul-destroying minimum-wage job and, although he likes women in general, hates having s*x with Peg (Katie Sagal, later Leela on Futurama), a housewife who never cooks or cleans (although the house is always spotless).  His daughter Kelly (Christina Applegate) is constantly lambasted for being a "slut," and his son Bud (David Faustino), for being a "virgin."

Gay people only appeared in one or two episodes, always with a "har-har, they're gay!  Isn't that ridiculous!" comedic edge.  

But at least they weren't sleazoid serial killers.

When David began to bulk up, the writers obliged by making him extremely attractive, but still unable to acquire girls due to his abrasive personality.

After Married, David played a gay character in Get Your Stuff (2000), about a gay couple wanting to adopt a baby as a fashion accessory, and instead getting preteen brothers.  According to the trailer, there are a lot of jokes about the dads accidentally getting n*ked and the boys trying to get with a hot older woman.

In Killer Bud (2001): two down-and-out buds (David, Corin Nemec) try to burglarize a convenience store.  My first Faustino profile said that he played a gay character, but I can't see it in the synopsis.

Inn Ten Attitudes (2001), he played "himself," not gay but on the gay dating circuit (for a sleazy reason).

In 2008 he was cast as the lead in The Gay Robot, a pilot for a tv series about...um, a gay robot.  The project was never filmed, but the script might have been tweaked into the movie Robodoc (2009)

David hasn't played any specifically-identified gay characters since, but he often introduces gay subtexts deliberately into his work.

A lot of his movies feature stoner buddies, often David and Corin Nemec: Pucked, High Hopes, Puff Puff Pass, The Hustle, Not another B Movie.

In his web series Star-Ving (2009), he plays"himself" as a has-been, starving actor whose only source of income is a sleazy video shop.  There are cameos from various actors with a sleazy reputation, including Seth Green, Coolio, Ron Jeremy, and Kato Kaelin. 

There is a again a deliberate gay subtext in his relationship with Nemec, and a lot of backside shots, mostly an attempt to humiliate David or demonstrate how "ugly" he is. 

Here he wakes up after a night of debauchery with Ron Jeremy and some ladies.

More after the break

Robert Ri'chard: Cousin Skeeter's straight man plays adult performers, scoundrels, bad boys, and boyfriends, with some backsides and bods

  

Link to the n*de dudes

I remember a few of the Nickelodeon shows from the late 1990s and early 2000s: Invader Zim, Fairly Oddparents, Doug, Rugrats, Rocko's Modern Life.  But most, like Cousin Skeeter (1998-2002). don't ring a bell.

As far as I can tell, it was a standard id/superego pairing, with early-teen Bobby (Robert Ri'chard) trying to complete his extra-credit assignments, while Cousin Skeeter wants to fill the principal's car with Cheetos.  Both squealed "Girls! Girls! Girls" every five seconds, as was required in the era. 

The main differences from other teen coms:

1. It had a primarily black cast. 

2. Cousin Skeeter was a puppet.  Haters like to point out that this fact was never mentioned, but when is it ever mentioned?  None of the humans on Sesame Street ever identify Bert and Ernie as Muppets, nor did Shari Lewis ever let on that she was providing the voice for Lamb Chop.  

Teen stars usually face a slump after their star vehicle ends, but Robert Ri'chard moved directly into prime time with One on One (2001-2006), starring Flex Anderson as a sportscaster raising his teenage daughter.   Robert played her on-off boyfriend, who was allergic to shirts.

Flex?

Jonathan Chase, who showed his backside in Another Gay Movie, played one of her college roommates, a "player" who gets lots of girls.  

Flex? ?

Then on to Meet the Browns (2009-2011), about a single father running a nursing home, who adopts some troubled foster kids.  I thought this was a sitcom, but according to Wikipedia:

"Eddie Walker, who was close to abusing Joaquin, became the first on-screen character to die. He suffered stab wounds, and the surgery done to try to save his life was performed by Will himself. Also, in season 4, Brianna's friend Antonio is killed in a car crash."  

Ok...well, Robert plays a college student who lives next door, and doesn't own a shirt.

By this point, Robert is in his mid-20s, and buffed.

And posting n*de selfies.

Dude has so many veins, it looks like an alien script.

More after the break.  

Gavin MacIntosh: Gay middle schooler, bullying brother, scary sleazoid. With Gavin's goods and Hayden's junk

  

Link to the n*de dudes

I was asked to profile Gavin MacIntosh.   Never heard of him, but he's got some nice lats, so I'm willing to do the research.

Problem: there six photo collections of Gavin Munn and his friends and relatives, so another Gavin will play havoc in the Actors A-L Index.  

Maybe if I call him Mac.

Instagram first: photos of Mac riding a motorcycle, in Athens and Hong Kong, a lot of muscle selfies.

A lot of photos of bodybuilders on his wall.  Are they there for inspiration or aesthetic enjoyment?

For inspiration, probably.  He has a lot of photos with a girl: dude is straight.

Is he a little too young for a profile, or does he just have that sort of face?

IMDB next: 

Gavin is an actor and Ford model (so he posed on top of cars?), born in Tucson in 1999.

  His role as Connor on The Fosters (2013-16) brought him "world wide social media attention, both for his acting accolades as well as for his social stance on equality."

So who is Connor to get world wide social media attention?

Fan Wiki next:

Connor appears in 25 episodes, from 2013 to 2016.  He starts off as a middle school student, the only one in the whole school who doesn't bully Jude (Hayden Byerly) for being a foster.  Eventually the two start a relationship, in spite of his homophobic father.

Their kiss got worldwide media attention because they were so young.

Due the difficulties of living with a homophobic father (and to bring the gay storyline to an end), Connor moves to Los Angeles to live with his mother, and the two break up. 

Jude stayed on for two more seasons.

More after the break

"Big Boys": A gay university freshman tries to make friends, get a boyfriend, and find his tribe. With lots of d*cks and some overwhelming sadness

  

Well, they are definitely big.  Especially Dylan Llewellyn.

When I was living in West Hollywood, we watched every gay-themed movie that appeared, even though they were all the same, long, painful, angst-ridden coming out stories.

Nowadays there are so many movies and tv series about coming out that you need a narrative hook.  You have cerebral palsy (Special).  You're femme (Glamorous).  You're nearing age 40, and not yet out to your parents (Heading Out).  Or, in the case of Big Boys, your social anxiety disorder has confined you to the house for years.

Narrated by creator/writer Jack Rooke, Big Boys revisits his 19-year old self, attempting to move out of the house to attend uni in the fall of 2013, looking for friends, boyfriends, and his place in the world.

He shouldn't have a problem finding boyfriends. Like I said, the guy is big.

I'm reviewing Episode 1.2, "I Wanna Take You to a Gay Bar"

Prelude: 2011: Jack (Dyllan Llewellan) and his Mum  are watching tv when they get the news of Dad's passing.  Shots of the two  crying, cuddling, pushing their feet together, heads on shoulders, legs on laps.  Cringe intimacy you two have.  Americans will perceive an incest subtext, but it's probably not intentional. Brits just like to treat their Mums as their lovers.

Scene 1: 2013:  Jack's first year at Uni.  He can't get into the dorms, so the university moved him and "mature" 25-year old Danny  into an off-campus shed.  Mom is helping them decorate.  

She gives Jack some Tupperware for his marijuana, although he doesn't use, and a  live-laugh-love mobile so he can "live," "have some laughs with a girl," and "fall in love." So Mum is fine with marijuana, but you're not out?  Surely she already knows.

When she leaves to help "erect a shelf" with her "big tool," Danny (Jon Pointing) gives Jack a bottle of lube -- they were two for one  at Boots -- but he's not sure if backsides take a different kind.  Jack isn't sure either, since he's never been with a guy before.  

"Don't worry, I'll do some research.  We'll have you sliding in and out of fit lads like Cantonia in the '96 cup."  A football (soccer) match.  Danny is a jock. 

Scene 2: The Student Union Officer announces the "ca-razy" Brent Uni freshers fair, where the first-years try to find their fams. Older Jack, narrating: "Mostly it was second-year drug dealers trying to recruit new clients." 

She tries to sell Jack on the Christian Union, which does a free roast on Sunday nights. Maybe not.

Roommate Danny points out the LGBTQAIA  Student Union.  Jack is afraid to approach, but Danny insists: "You can't be a little saddo all your life."  Why did he make Jack his project?

"But what does the QAIA mean?"

"Queer, Asexual, Intersexed, Allies."  Blimey, when a straight guy knows more than you do....

Uh-oh, Jack sees Yemi (Odisa Odele), the guy he was trying to make out with at the Fresher Mixer last episode. While they were kissing, his hair got caught in the guy's nose ring.  They had to get the Faculty Advisor to cut them loose.  Yemi tries to ignore him, but reconsiders (you think he's hot, or feel sorry for him?). He talks about about the various gay tribes: twink, bear, daddy, pos, otter, trans, and geek.  Jack is obviously a geek.

 They're all going clubbing in London tonight. Wanna come?

Meanwhile, Danny tries to pick up a woman at the Feminist Society table by pushing the free tampons and claiming to be interested in women writers.  Name two. Corinne, a lesbian, interrupts to point out the inconsistencies in his story, but it works: the woman he was cruising invites him to a pre-lash tonight (a private drinking party before you head to the clubs).

Scene 3: Roommate Danny wants Jack to skip the gay clubbing and go to the pre-lash with him, so they can meet some of their fellow students.  They need mates on campus.  Danny is setting himself up as a mentor, but he needs a friend as much as Jack does.  He must have some tragedies and pain in his background, to be revealed later.

Montage of the two getting ready, Danny by working out so he's nicely swole, Jack by reading so he can have an intelligent conversation.

Uh-oh, the Security Guard, whose name is Ru Pal, stops them. Only dormitory residents and signed-in guests, no townies. 

Ok, Danny insists that Jack go to the gay club after all, and he'll stay home, "cooped up like Anne Frank."  Not quite the same thing, buddy.

Scene 4:  Danny is sitting on a bench on campus, trying ineptly to start conversations with passersby, when Corinne, the lesbian from earlier, runs into him.  They argue about feminism.  Her back story: she was the only one in her friend group to get rejected by Oxford and Cambridge.  This is her dull, mundane, state-university-type safety school, full of jocks and eejits.  Wait -- they're doing "You're arrogant!" flirtation arguing.  Is she actually a lesbian, or did I just assume because of her outfit and hair style?

Jack passes by on his way to the pick-up for the gay club, and invites them along.

Scene 5: "No way!  They cannot come!" Yemi, Jack's mentor, yells. "Gays only!"  But their driver says it's fine.

Older Jack, narrating: "It's scary going to your first gay club, 'cause the vast majority are called things like Savage, or Envy, or Revenge."  What about Heaven?

At the club, Gordy's, the drag queen bouncer sizes up Danny: "Straight allies are welcome, but any funny business, f*cking around, laddy banter, any pretending to be Louis Spencer, and you're out!" Louis Spencer is King Charles' nephew, a 30-year old theatrical actor.  I don't know what the drag queen is talking about.

Scene 6: Clubbers dancing, drinking, hugging,  and whooping.  Older Jack narrating: "In spite of being individual misfits, we spent the whole night together."  So this series will be about the various problems of the friendship group.

Danny gets cruised by an obnoxious guy, but gets rid of him by claiming that he comes to London to visit his cousin in Wormwood Scrubs -- a prison.  

I thought Obnoxious Guy was played by Gordon 'Gordy' Maxwell, to whom the episode is dedicated.  There's a memorial article on the Minka Guides website, which describes him as a tv producer and a regular at the Sink the Pink Nightclub.  Except he was over 40, and the episode aired in May 2022, several years after his death in December 2018.  Wait -- the club is named "Gordy's."  That's the homage.

More after the break. 

Gemstones Episode 3.2: Kelvin's buddies, gay Percy, two toxic families, and some n*de soldiers

 I have to double up these reviews, or I won't be finished in time for Episode 4.1

Link to the NSFW version

Episode 3.2 introduces Eli's estranged brother-in-law Peter Montgomery, his sons, and a disturbing super-macho mirror of Kelvin's God Squad.

Title: "But Esau Ran to Meet Him," from Genesis 33.4.  Jacob has tricked his father Isaac into giving him the inheritance.  Esau is furious and vows to kill him, so he flees.  When he returns after 20 years, Esau behaves as if he is happy to see him, but....

Stephen's abusive wife:  Stephen, who was fired as Judy's guitarist after her brothers discovered their affair, is trying to tell his wife Kristy that he was "laid off," not fired.  She doesn't buy it.  It's a highly abusive relationship: she calls him "an unemployed, cokehead piece of sh*twho sulks all day."  He screams "Fuck you!", and she hits him with a glass blender.  Shattered glass all over his face and head, in front of the kids!  Whoa, scary.  The Gemstones and their partners argue, but they never use abusive language or physical violence.  Except for the time that Amber shot Jesse in the backside 

Later, Judy meets Stephen at Spanky's Cafe, a real restaurant in North Charleston, and offers him $10,000 to leave her alone: "I don't want to see you no' mo'."  But he still wants her.  Judy points out that he's married, but it doesn't matter: "I'd leave my family in a second if I could have you.  I'd murder them." Say what?  This guy is a psycho. Of course, he should leave his abusive wife, but murder her...and the kids?

Kelvin's Buddies:  Jesse and Amber's adult son Gideon, who moved to California to become a stuntman, is back, lying on the veranda in a bathrobe, smoking a cigarette, holding a box of Lucky Charms cereal, and sulking.  The background song by Buddy Knox tells us: "I think I'm going to kill myself."  He injured his neck, and may never do stunt work, tumbling, or martial arts again.  At least he's displaying a nice chest.

Background alert: Skyler Gisondo injured his neck in real life in 2022, when his hair stylist gave him a "little neck massage."  They wrote his injury into the script.

In a much, much nicer parallel to the Stephen-Mandy confrontation, Gideon's parents order him to stop feeling sorry for himself, get off his backside, and go to work for the church.  But he doesn't want to preach.  Ok, so he can become Eli's driver. Remember that the long-term driver, Walker, was fired.

We cut to Gideon on his first assignment, driving Eli and the siblings to see if May-May's kids are ok.  They are living with her estranged husband, Peter Montgomery, and his militia, the Brotherhood of Tomorrow's Fires: they expect end of civilization, like Eli's Y2K scare back in 1999.   Eli calles them preppers: "They want to make sure they don't run out of toilet paper."

Usually Evangelicals believe in the Rapture, when Jesus zaps everyone who is saved to Heaven, leaving the unsaved to suffer through seven years of the dystopian Tribulation before being sent to hell.  To this day, I will not let anyone stamp my hand for re-entry into an event, because  the Mark of the Beast was drummed into my head.  But Eli and Peter apparently have a different belief system.

On the way to the compound, at the defunct Boy Scout Camp Wooden Feather, the siblings discuss their cousins, Karl and Chuck.  Kelvin says that he always found them "kind of dumb and strange."  But you haven't seen them since 2000, when you were ten or eleven.  How much do you remember?

Judy: "That's why I'm surprised you weren't b utt buddies with them."  

He gets annoyed, not because she alludes to him being gay but because she implied that he's also "dumb and strange," and therefore perfect for the Montgomerys.

Not the God Squad:  Bizarre signs like "Now we will see" greet the family, along with multiple armed guards.  They pass Jacob (Stephen Louis Grush) cutting up a deer.  Kelvin smiles at him -- think he's hot, buddy?.  Then a military-style obstacle course;  guys practicing martial arts; a guy taking a shower outdoors (no beefcake); and finally the mess hall, where about thirty militia men are having lunch.

Wait -- no women and children?  The actual far-right militia movement has many female participants, but this is a male-only space, like Kelvin's God Squad in Season 2, but with scruffy guys in military fatigues instead of flexing musclemen.  It is dedicated to phileo instead of eros, buddy-bonding instead of homoerotic desire. An article on Doomsday Preppers notes that these male-only groups "cultivate a dangerous vision of apocalyptic manhood that consummates a fantasy of national virility in the demise of feminine society."  Women are weak and fragile, their civilization doomed. Only the "manly love of comrades" can survive the Apocalypse. 

May-May's son Chuck ushers Eli and the siblings in. They are greeted by Cousin Karl (Robert Oberst), who is delighted to see them; and Uncle Peter (Steve Zahn, below), who is not.  It's time for church, so get out!  No, the siblings offer to help lead the service: Jesse will preach, Judy will sing, and Kelvin will  perform some "feats of strength" for the kids -- the only time he references his muscles during the season.  No kids around, but maybe the militia guys would like to see some masculine beauty.   

Uncle Peter rejects the siblings' offer.  They are "phony fakers," entertainers, interested in making money rather than saving souls. 

More military guys after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.1, Continued: Kelvin withholds s ex, Judy cheats, and Jesse fights. With some random butts

 

This is the G-rated version of the review. Link to the NSFW version.

Left: Conor MacGregor

The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son?  Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark. 

In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.

Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her.  But she needs his help.  Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?  

Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule. 

Marital Squabbles: A commercial: after a montage of heterosexual couples arguing and then being deliriously happy, Amber introduces her System (stupid name): for $500, you get a jar and some beads.  Every time you disagree, you put a bead in the jar.  Or go to Wal-Mart and buy the set-up for $10. She is surrounded by a group of ladies in white who look rather like Mormon sister-wives.

When the filming is over, Amber and Jesse discuss the Simkins, who are milking their parents' tragic death: "I wish I had some traumatic event to make people like me."  Be careful what you wish for, Buddy. I've seen Episode 3.7.

Cut to Judy's husband BJ at the Gemstone Welcome Center, talking to a group of potential church members about how to get their tithes automatically deducted from their bank accounts. Judy, feeling guilty about withholding sex, brings him some gifts and tells him what a great husband he is, BJ thinks that things are a little off in their marriage, but Judy gaslights him: "Things are fine. Why are you being weird?"  Check out his hot-pink ruffled outfit, part of the ongoing joke that couple is gender-transgressive, with Judy as the masculine partner, and BJ the feminine.

The Dildo Barbecue: Jesse drops by as Keefe is melting down some weird phallic objects on the grill in the back yard. When he asks what they are burning, Kelvin, morosely lying on the diving board of the pool, responds "Devils' objects."

Why is he morose?  The last we saw of him was at Dusty Daniels' racetrack. But this scene is coming after two marital problem scenes, so we have to conclude that we just missed a "Things are fine.  Why are you being so weird?" conversation. 

There is a n ude woman on the urn pedestal next to them.  Apparently Kelvin and Keefe are too closeted for back yard sculptures with nude men.

Keefe is wearing a BDSM  outfit: several chokers, a slave collar with padlock, a vinyl top with built-in pecs and abs, and vinyl pants (I think). This again suggests that something has gone wrong. He wanted "cuddling," but Kelvin refused, ordering him to burn some s ex toys instead -- destroy some penises?   

Notice that while Kelvin and Jesse are discussing their anxiety over leading the church, Keefe grabs a toy from the pile, tries to hide it, and brings it into the house.  

Aha!  Kelvin is specifically refusing to take the passive role.  

We cut to the reason Judy has been withholding s ex with BJ: she is having an affair with her guitarist, Stephen (Stephen Schneider, top photo and left).  

Trigger alert: they engage in a quasi-s exual act to disgusting to describe here.

Since the couples' stories are usually parallel, viewers may conclude that Kelvin, too, is having an affair.  Actually, he is not -- yet.  Then why is he withholding s ex? 

Unless you are asexual and work something out, romantic partners must balance eros and phileo.  Eros, sexual desire, leads to that intimacy, intensity, and passion that keeps the couple focused on each other. Phileo, friendship, keeps the couple focused on the outside world, leading to discussions of art, music, or sports, placing them in a friendship group, a family, and a society.

Last season Kelvin tried to eliminating the phileo, being all about sex. Every word, every image evoked the homoerotic. His physique, butt, and bulge were constantly on display, presenting him as the Messiah of Muscle, leading his followers to a paradise of masculine beauty. Until it didn't work: you can't build a society, or a romantic relationship, on sex alone.

This season he seems to be eliminating the eros, withholding se x, or maybe permitting "fooling around" only -- no sm ut, no lust, no coconuts.  We see no pecs, no backsides, no bulge this season -- not until Episode 3.8, when he realizes that this won't work, either.  The problem is, a romance without physical intimacy looks and feels very much like a platonic friendship, until eventually you wonder if you are really in love at all.

More  after the break

Knox Gibson: Australian swimmer, model, "Hunger Games" baddie, disability advocate. With some n*de costars and random twinks

 

Link to the n*de dudes

As of this writing Knox Gibson. aka Captain Knoxie,  is 17 years old,  so I won't be searching for n*de photos. But he's not shy about showing off his physique.

And I have some n*de photos of his co-stars and some random Australian twinks (on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

Knox grew up in Orange, NSW, a small town about 250 km (150 miles) from Sydney.  His first love is swimming: he was selected for the Australian Age National Championships four times, and placed for the breast stroke  (2021, 2024) and the individual medley (2023). 

He also swims for his high school, St. Stanislaus College in Bathhurst. In 2024, he represented NSW in the all-Australia School Sport Games, and won the silver medal in the breast stroke.

Knox's second love is modeling, both fashion and runway. 

In  2020, he wore Tommy Hilfinger for New York's Fashion Week.  

In 2023, the Bonds company did a "As Worn By Us" campaign, showing Australians of every age wearing their clothes.  Knox appeared as  "Age 16."

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects c ocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty Daniels flirts. With bonus Brazilian beefcake

 

Link to the n*de dudes

The Season 2 finale of The Righteous Gemstones  aired in February 2022.  Season 3 premieres in June 2023, sixteen months later, but the timeline in the Gemstone universe doesn't fit.  Plus personalities and back stories are different.  As with Season 2, it will be more profitable -- and more fun -- to enter fresh, pretending that we have never seen or heard of these people before.

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because word on the street is that this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting people in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

Eli and Aimee-Leigh's three kids look very young, but according to the fan wiki, Jesse is 19, Judy is 15, and Kelvin is 9 or 10.

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. 

As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"  

Cut to Zion's Landing, the Gemstones' Christian-themed resort. The 42-year old Jesse and his crew confront Eli's driver.  In joke: his name is Walker!  He squealed to the press about the dwindling membership and donations since the kids took over, so they beat him up and fire him. Pretending to have never seen these characters before, I am shocked.  Christian ministers are often shady and hypocritical, but violent? What if someone sees?

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: 32 or 33 -year old Kelvin, wearing a t-shirt that says "Sm ut Busters" above a splat of -- ?  -- is showing a giant novelty dil do to someone named Keefe. He exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt."  So he's gay, and Keefe is his boyfriend.  Who's the bottom?

We pan out to see kids examining a pile of s ex toys, mostly dil dos various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men.  Notice the "Size Queen" dildo.  

PKelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running a project called the Smut Busters.  They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy.  Wait -- anyone know basic economics?  

The youth group kids, also in Sm ut Busters t-shirts, are just examining the latest haul.  Do they take the kids to the adult stores?  They wouldn't be allowed inside.  

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No sm ut, no l ust, no coconuts" (with a feminine hip wiggle). No one joins in.  

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles.  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no buts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

Left: coconuts

Pretending to have never seen these characters before,  I conclude that they are a gay couple: notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the s toys they buy are for gay men.  

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

The Primitive Tribe: At church, the siblings are bragging about their missionary trip, where they brought Lasik Surgery to an isolated tribe in the Amazon. 

They are completely clueless; surgery to correct astigmatism must be the most trivial of the group's medical needs.  Plus the depiction of a "primitive tribe" veers uncomfortably close to racism.

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

How closeted are Kelvin and Keefe?  They are presented as the equivalent of the other couples, Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ;  Jesse even refers to them as a unit. Plus Kelvin displays some feminine traits that anyone would pick up on instantly.  Maybe they are out to the family, but closeted to the church.  

Jesse criticizes the Sm ut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 adult shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dil dos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own er otic enjoyment, not to help the church.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber d icks. 

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

More after the break

"No Good Nick": The Gay Kid Comes Out

Kamala Epstein played a gay kid on The Fosters, so naturally I was going to watch his new Netflix sitcom, No Good Nick (2019-) Even though it also stars former Sabrina the Teenage Witch Melissa Joan Hart, who is a conservative Christian and reputedly homophobic.

The premise: Nick is a 13-year old girl (Siena Adugong) who shows up on the doorstep of a nuclear family claiming to be a long-lost relative.  Mom and Dad (Sean Astin,  Melissa) immediately drop everything and welcome Nick into the family, and their 13-year old daughter Molly is delighted at the prospect of a new sister, but 15-year old Jeremy (Kamala) is suspicious.

And for good reason.  Nick is a con artist, running various scams for her father in prison (Eddie McClintock), with  the ultimate goal of destroying her new foster family.  Dad, in turn, has a secret agenda of his own, so basically it's scammers all the way down.

As I began watching, I noticed something unusual about Jeremy.  Most teenage boys on sitcoms talk like this:  "Good morning, Mom. Girls!  Good morning, Dad. Girls!  What's for breakfast?  Girls!  I have a test in school today. Girls!  It will help me get girls. Girls!"

Jeremy didn't mention Girls, didn't gaze at the It-Girl from across the hall, didn't scheme to meet any or win any.  Nothing.  Not a glimmer of heterosexual interest.    His main plot in the first season invloved running for Student Council President against the ultra-popular Lisa Hadad (transgender actress Josie Totah), who also didn't have any hetero-romantic interests.  Or same-sex interests, for that matter.

Ultra-popular, but no boyfriend or girlfriend?  What kind of high school is this?

At first I concluded that Jeremy must be asexual.  Surely he couldn't be gay, not in a series starring Melissa Joan Hart!  But in the second season, third episode, Nick catches him kissing a boy!

"I want to come out my own way," he admonishes her.

Nick, who is full of secrets, agrees to keep his.

In Episode 8, Jeremy plans a complex coming-out performance, with powerpoint presentation, and Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out," which of course turns into a disaster.  But he manages to convey the main idea.

The word "gay" is never spoken, and there are no more references to Jeremy's gayness.  It has a 1990s "problem of the week" feel.

But there are so few gay teenage characters on tv -- so few gay men of any age -- that I'll take what I can get.

Especially in a tv series starring Melissa Joan Hart.

See also: Gavin MacIntosh: Gay middle schooler, bullying brother, scary sleazoid.  With Gavin's goods and a hung Hayden

"Cold Wallet": When a crypto-investment goes wrong, gay-subtext buddies invade a Hegelian mansion. With Keefe's backside and the Groundskeeper's d*ck

Link to the n ude dudes

Tony Cavalero has been promoting his new movie, Cold Wallet (2024), which just became available to stream: three friends invade the mansion of a crypto millionaire.  I don't know what crypto is: some sort of fake money that can be used to buy real money?  

But both Tony (left) and costar Raul Castillo (below) have played gay characters, so maybe they are boyfriends.  And maybe we see some of Tony's physique.  

It's worth forking over the $7.00 for a rental.

Scene 1: Christmastime. Don and Billy (Tony, Raul Castillo) sing "Jingle Bell Rock" at karaoke night.  Then Billy tells his bar buds -- all men.  Is this a gay bar? -- how they can use cryptocurrency to get rich: "I've been reading Reddit and watching podcasts, and it's transforming lives!"  He and Don buy a billion shares of crypto from Tulip and hug.

Cut to Christmas morning, with Billy dressed as Santa Claus bringing a present to his daughter.  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 2. Thanks to crypto, he'll soon be able to buy a house, so she can come for weekend visits.  

His ex-wife and her husband Justin are upset: his visitation isn't until next week. Hubbie threatens to call the police.  He can't say hello on Christmas?  

"And where do you get off, buying her a $2000 playstation, when you don't pay the mortgage on your house?"  "I don't live here."  Don't argue in front of the kid -- you'll traumatize her.

He checks his Tulip to demonstrate how rich he's getting.  Wait -- the numbers are going down... negative $42,000?  Help!

There's no one named Justin in the cast list, but there's an Evan, played by Logan Slater (n*de photo below).

Scene 2: Billy walking in desolation through an industrial neighborhood in the dark, crying.  Wait -- where has he been all day?  

He eats ramen in his horrible apartment, then checks online: Tulip is in trouble; millions of customers have frozen assets.  The CEO died in Kenya, and he was the only one who could unlock the exchange (so people could get their cryptocurrency).  

So no more house in Pittsfield, Massachusetts, no more idyllic weekend visits with his daughter.  And the comments section reveal many others who lost everything: "I'm a mom of three boys.  My husband died six months ago.  Tulip was supposed to help us..."

Reddit friend Eva Zero reveals that the CEO is alive -- he got a fake death certificate. He swindled them out of their money, and is now in hiding. She wants Billy to help her "take the f*cker down."

Scene 3:  The gym.  Billy wrestling with Don, his bud from Scene 1, who is all excited because Mr. Bautista, the owner, is letting him buy the place.  Billy accidentally punches him in the nose, but he doesn't care because "chicks dig scars."  Heterosexual identity established at Minute 11.  They still have a gay-subtext buddy bond going on.

Billy breaks the news that crypto is dead, and they owe $67,000 in real money.  Uh-oh, Don took out a loan to buy the gym.  Plus Mr. Bautista was in trouble; the bank was about to foreclose.  Now he and Mr. Bautista are both ruined. 

Scene 4: They meet Reddit friend Eva Zero in a deserted AMC theater parking lot.

She has discovered that CEO Charles Hegel lives alone in an isolated mansion nearby.  She wants them to break in, force him to hand over the cold wallets (where you store crypto off the internet), and get everyone's money back.

He is named after Georg Hegel, the 18th century German philosopher whose Phenomenology of Spirit influenced Marx and Nietzche.  I  consulted the Wikipedia and Brittanica Online articles on Hegel, but couldn't see the connection.

Cut to the trio buying guns at the ShopMart, then driving through the woods to Hegel's house, a gigantic Tudor.  Billy knocks on the door, pretending to be delivering for DoorDash. The groundskeeper says that there's no one home, he has the wrong house, so get out!

Left: I think the groundskeeper is played by Allyn Burrows, who posed n*de in his younger days

More after the break

Gemstones Season 2 Finale: The Godfather, Butch and Sundance, random n*de dudes, and "My love for you will never die."

  

Link to the NSFW version

Previous: Episode 2.9, Continued: A perfect Christian, the Lion King, naked twinks, and lovers in old photographs

The series finales on The Righteous Gemstones are meant to tie up any remaining loose ends and say goodbye to the characters, so we should expect little or no plot development, just a lot of hugging: everyone who has had lost, frayed, or troubled relationships during the season, lovers, friends, parents and children, siblings, will be reconciled.

Hold on tight to the one you love the most:  A blackened stage. Suddenly a spotlight on Jesse.  He begins the country-western song "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend," by Don Williams.  Then Kelvin, lying on a platform, raising a finger to Heaven.  Then Judy and the choir, as she walks up stage.  Then all three siblings together. 

 Coffee black, cigarettes. Start the day like all the rest. 

First thing every moning that I do, is start missing you.

Some broken hearts never mend.  Some memories never end.  

Some tears will never dry.  My love for you will never die. 

Except this song is not about lost love, it's about mended hearts.  You're supposed to look at or point to a loved one. Kelvin starts out by pointing at audience stage left, obviously at Keefe, who points to himself and then back. My love for you will never die,

BJ waves, presumably at Judy.  Cut to Amber and the kids; then Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the baby; he looks back at Harmon, his no-longer estranged son; and finally Eli looks out at the audience. 

In the middle of love's embrace: Flashback to the Alaska Commercial Company, a grocery store chain with 33 locations in Alaska, mostly in rural areas. The Lissons, in hiding after their murders and attempts, are buying -- coffee to go?  Martin has them under surveillance.

Back in church, Eli looks at the band as the siblings sing the second verse together.  Then Jesse and Kelvin, looking up to heaven.

 Rendezvous in the night.

In the middle of love's embrace, I see your face

Wait -- they see God while their partners Amber and Keefe are going downtown?  Makes sense.

Cut to the Lissons in their cabin, watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, where the gay-subtext bank robbers, played by Robert Redford, top photo, and Paul Newman, left, are trapped, with no escape, so they go out shooting. 

 Some broken hearts never mend.   Some memories never end.

Some tears will never dry.  My love for you will never die.

The Cycle Ninjas:  Cycle Ninjas on glittering metallic snowmobiles zoom through the woods.  

Lyle looks out the window and yells "Get the guns!"

Back at the church, the siblings point at each other. Eli smiles. 

The First Chorus: The congregation rises to sing the chorus.

We see Chad and his wife, who have been having marital problems since Season 1; Martin and his often seen, never-named wife; Judy and BJ;  Junior and Tan Man, Baby Billy and Tiffany, Amber and the kids.  Then the siblings again.  Wait, I thought the Tan Man was just Junior's assistant.  Is there a gay relationship going on back in Memphis? 

In the flashback, the Lissons get out their guns and tell each other that God believes in them: "God will see us through, for we are the Chosen."  Where on Earth did Lyle get that idea?  

More broken hearts after the break

"The Family Law": Chinese-Australian Boy Struggles to Come Out

 

The Family Law, on Hulu, is a sitcom about a Chinese-Australian family in Queensland: wildly inappropriate Mom, harried Dad (Anthony Brandon Wong), jock older brother (George Zhou, left), two sisters, and focus character, "life is unfair" Ben (Trystan Go).   Sort of like Malcolm in the Middle or The Goldbergs, except that at some point Ben comes out.  

Looking through the episode synopses, I don't see any indication of romantic interest for Ben, until Season 3 Episode 1:  When their parents are gone, Melissa and Ben "scheme to get into a Year 12 (high school senior) party, where there will be booze and -- more importantly for Melissa -- boys."  Obviously Ben is not out yet.

Episode 3: "Ben struggles with a crippling addiction to watching Klaus pump iron across the street, and is riddled with anxiety over what it means."

Episode 5: "Ben battles with his feelings toward Klaus."

Season and Series Finale: "Aunt Maisy's son has come out as gay and it's the end of the world." So they wait until the very last moment for Ben to come out!  Typical!  I'll watch Episode 3 instead.  Maybe there will be beefcake.

Scene 1: Ben peers through his telescope to watch across-the-street neighbor Klaus (Takaya Honda, left) working out.  Shirtless, extremely muscular!  In voice over, he talks about how dangerous an addiction is.  Sometimes you have to remove yourself.  He backs away.  

Scene 2: Dinner.  Sister Candy and her boyfriend Wayne (Sam Cotton, below) have an announcement.  Everyone thinks that they are engaged, but no, they're taking the family camping.  Wayne explains: "No distractions, no temptations."  Everyone hates the idea, except Ben,  who thinks this might get his mind off Klaus's muscles.

Scene 3: Getting ready for school.  Everyone except Ben is complaining about the camping trip: "Being raped and killed by dingos."  

In the B plot, divorced Mom had a date with Pete (Jeremy Lindsay Taylor), but -- vulgarity alert -- he...um...soiled his pants.This ain't the Goldbergs!   He doesn't want a second date: "It's not the right time."  Mom is crushed.

Scene 4:  Unpacking groceries.  Mom is still crushed.  Suddenly Klaus from across the street drops by: he accidentally picked up Ben's shorts after gym class.  The embarrassed Ben rushes into his room; Klaus follows, and finds the telescope Ben uses to spy on him: "Hey, I can see right into my bedroom!" Then he lies down on Ben's bed.  Ok, now you're deliberately teasing him.  

Scene 5: The next day at school, Ben complains to his friend: "He was in my bed, touching my junk (which means something different in Australia), overstepping his bounds!"  Klaus appears: he heard that they were going camping, so he's going to lend Ben his state-of-the-art sleeping bag: "But wash it first.  It still smells like me."  Ulp!

Scene 6: Packing up the car.  It's way overcrowded.  Off to the outback!

More after the break

Johnny Berchtold: I have good news and bad news. The good news is his d*ck

 Link to the n*de dudes

I researched Johnny Berchtold, who plays the gay-vague or maybe canonically gay college student Richard Beck on Season 3 of Reacher.   

I have good news and bad news.

The good news: He is huge.

 

The bad news: The d*ck pic is from the movie A Hard Problem (2021).  Johnny plays a guy who tries to reconnect with his sister and recruits The Girl to help him clean out his deceased mother's house. Heteronormativity all the way down.

The good news:  In addition to Reacher, Johnny has a gay-vague role in  The Passenger (2023). Violent loose-cannon Benson (Kyle Gallner) decides to "fix" beset-upon fast-food worker  Randy (Johnny), killing his bullies, helping him stand up to his overbearing mother, and so on.

The script was heteronormative, but queer director Carter Smith had the actors push up the homoeroticism until they are almost a gay couple.  (Spoiler: one dies at the end).

The bad news: I couldn't find any other gay or gay-vague roles.

In Tiny Pretty Things (2023), his character is married to Claire (Katherine Hahn of Agatha All Along).

In spite of the whimsical pun-title, Dog Gone (2023) is about a dying guy and his dog, who is also dying.  He's probably straight, but I'm not sure: the plot synopsis was so disturbing that I just skimmed through.

In Gaslight (2021), which is about Watergate, not Victorian England, Johnny plays Jay Jennings, the estranged son of Martha Mitchell (wife of Attorney General John Mitchell).  He is married to a woman.

In spite of the whimsical title,  Life as a Mermaid (2016-2018) is a live-action drama about two mermaid sisters living among humans.  Johnny plays the Barnacle King, sort of a nerdish character with disgusting barnacles attached to his face.  He has a male sidekick, but I couldn't stomach watching long enough to determine if he is gay or gay-vague.

Fun fact: Life as a Mermaid is also a documentary about transgender people in Borneo.

The good news: Johnny is way into horror.  His instagram is full of photos of him in bloody and monster makeup, and getting Chucky as a roommate.  

More after the break