Going Dutch: Military sitcom with an Old Soldier, a gay tease, and a muscular private (sigh). With a bonus private's privates

Link to the n*de dudes

In the last few days, I've started a dozen movies and tv shows that seemed promising -- guys gazing at each other on the icon, a trailer with buddy-bonding -- only to start them, and the focus character is kissing a woman by Minute 1.  The constant gay teasing is getting annoying.  Why tailor your project to attract viewers who are going to turn it off in 20 seconds?  

I'm so frustrated that I'm going to review something at random, the first "new!" title that appears on Hulu, Going Dutch: "After an epically unfiltered rant, an arrogant, loudmouth U.S. Army Colonel is reassigned to the Netherlands, where he is punished with a command position at the least important army base in the world. 

An army comedy?  Yuck!  But here goes, Episode 1.1:

Scene 1: USAG Baumholder Command Center.  I don't know what USAG means. Google says a gymnastics association, but that can't be right.   

Two army guys walk down the hall, the Old Guy (Dennis Leary, left) giving the Swishy Guy notes on how to introduce him: "Mention the Rangers, give America an erection."  Google says that the Rangers are an ice hockey team.

Swishy Guy: "I'll mention your Medal of Honor and your tours of Iraq and Afghanistan, and end up with your daughters, so you'll come off as a family man, and everyone will love you."

Old one: "No, don't mention them. I don't want to be beloved. I need to be tough, this close to Russia!"  Dude, you're in the Netherlands.  Russia is five countries and 2500 km away.

Swishy one: "We shouldn't mention how eager you are to start World War III." 

Scene 2: They meet with the Commander, General Davidson, who immediately asks about his daughters. "I hear you're a grandfather now."  Sorry, dude, he wants a family man.

Old Guy doesn't know what he means.  Oh, the baby?  "That's not a human being yet, more of a blob." Maybe stick with starting World War III.

Uh-oh, Old Guy was told that he was going to be the Commander.  Change of plans: he was caught on tape calling General Davidson a bleep, so he's in charge of  USAG Stroopsdorf, a supply center: "The least important army base in the world." 

Scene 3:  They walk through the Stroopsdorf Base: a miniature golf course, an outdoor fitness center. Old Guy is outraged at a "fat hippie on a bike."  Where's the discipline?   He vows to turn "this dump" into a proper combat base. 

Next, a tour of the fromagerie, the bowling alley, and the laundry, the three things Stroopsdorf is known for.

Plus a teen center with a sign "Reading is radical."  There are no teens on the base, so civilians from town use it for pool and video games. Old Guy tries to eject  "a small time gigolo" and a very muscular Private. 

Left: Small Time Gigolo is played by Icelandic actor Arnmundur Ernst Björnsson

Scene 4: The Interim Commander, a blond woman, addresses the troops: they have new headphones to use on the treadmills in the gym. No one mentioned Old Guy's wife. She must be dead, so he and Interim Commander can start a  "will they or won't they" romance.

Nope, she is his estranged daughter!  The Commander didn't mention that little detail.

She cut off all contact with him two years ago, but he didn't notice, because he "was busy saving America."  But working together will be an even worse punishment thatn being assigned to a "Dutch Club Med.

Scene 5: Swishy Guy flirts with Muscular Private as he plays foosball.  Wouldn't you?  Asked "What does your X/O mean?", he responds "I'm the Commander of Hugs and Kisses." Smooth move, dude.  But he impresses Muscular by winning the foosball game, then rushes to the Commanders to note that everyone can hear them arguing.

Muscular Private is played by Dempsey Bryk, who has rather an androgynous presence, but plays a lot of muscular guys (top photo).

Swishy Guy is played by Danny Pudi, who is heterosexual, but played a gay-subtext character on Community.  It's probably the same here: swishy as a gay tease, but soon to be outed as straight.

Interin Commander notes that they are marching in the Tulip Festival tomorrow, the first time they have been invited, so their presence is "crucial to diplomatic relations."  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.1 Review: Junior likes d*cks, Kelvin likes pecs, and f*k yeah, we got both!

 

Link to NSFW review

Season 2 of The Righteous Gemstones began over two years after the Season 1 finale, and the back stories, personalities, and even the genre has changed.  Remember, Danny McBride likes his seasons to be complete stories, with no or few call-backs, so new viewers easily understand what's going on.  In fact, it may be fun for us to start afresh, watch as if we have never seen or heard of these people before.  

Memphis Soul Stew: Memphis, 1968. Teenage Eli Gemstone, the Maniac Kid (Jake Kelley), is playing a heel, a pro wrestling villain: "from the wrong side of the tracks, a newcomer to the League, all muscle, all attitude."  He fights dirty, pretending to reconcile with opponent Kyle Hawk, then throwing him out of the ring.  

As he fights, his manager Glendon Marsh (Wayne Duvall) cheers. Glendon's teenage son Junior (Tommy Nelson) watches, sometimes happy but usually disturbed.  Is he jealous of the attention Eli is getting?  Is he a rebellious teenager during the era of the Generation Gap?.

Junior is gay: In the locker room, Glendon offers Eli "some bonus pay on the South Side," while Junior looks on, smoking a cigarette, still either jealous or angry. As they leave, they pass a n*de guy.  Junior is so busy looking that he trips, and then looks back again.  The boy is definitely into men.

Jim Crow Must Go:  As they drive through a black neighborhood on the South Side of Memphis, near where Martin Luther King, Jr. will be assassinated on April 4th.  Junior looks out at the townsfolk in disgust. 

Suddenly they are surrounded civil rights protestors: "Jim Crow must go!" "We protest injustice."  Junior calls them "bums," which was usually applied to hippies, not African-Americans, leading me to believe that something changed between writing the script and hiring the background actors.  Glendon punches him: "they just want what everybody wants, a piece of the fucking pie."

Ok, Junior is racist, and Glendon is abusive, but why this scene? Hiring background players, costume, and staging must have been very time-consuming, with no payoff: civil rights are never mentioned again.  

The Loan Enforcer: Glendon is a loan shark as well as a wrestling manager: the job involves beating up a deadbeat.  Eli and Junior both go, squabbling over who's the boss.  

"Kill 'em!" we hear.  Psych!  It's the tv.  We meet a slovenly, drunken, foul-mouthed, abusive jackass of a husband.  While Junor subdues his wife and baby, Eli punches him a few times and asks for the money, and when he doesn't have it, breaks his thumbs. Junior laughs "derangedly" (according to the subtitles).

Afterwards Glendon drops Eli off, hands him some money, and tells him, "Buy yourself something nice." This is a feminizing statement. 

As Eli drives off on his motorcycle, we hear Buck Owens' "Tall Dark Stranger":

 They say a tall dark stranger is a demon, and  that a devil rides closely by his side.

 So if Junior is the demon, Eli must be the devil riding beside him.  How long will they ride together?

Abusive Daddies all the way down:  Eli drives to the Gemstone residence (it's not a stage name, apparently), where his abusive dad chastises him for being late for dinner. So they're eating after Eli's wrestling match?  Like at 11 or 12 pm?   There's also a mousy, skittish mom and a little sister, May-May (important in Season 3). 

Ordered to say grace, Eli jokes: "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat," which makes May-May laugh.  Dad slaps him.  End of flashback.

We're fine with the faggots:  In 2022, elderly Eli Gemstone is a megachurch pastor and televangelist.  He and the satellite church ministers are discussing the case of Pastor Butterfield (Victor Williams), caught with his wife and another woman in a dance club restroom, while they were all high on Molly ("we thought they were Sweetarts").  The story made the front page of The New York Times, thanks to reporter Thaniel Block (Jason Schwartzman), who has made a career of publicizing ministerial  scandals.  Eli wants to be lenient, but the others object.  (Left: random pecs)

A Spanish speaking pastor explains: "My church is ok with the maricones (roughly faggots), but we're not ready for swinging and tropus."     Pastor Diane translates: "His church is really cool with the gays and the queers, but not so much about the swingers and the thruples."  They fire Pastor Butterfield; he tries to commit suicide.

 Why did Pastor Diane translate maricones with two words, gays and queers?  Why queers, doubtless with the old pejorative meaning rather than the contemporary reclamation? I get the impression that the pastors are not really ok with maricones, so any gay ministers might want to stay in the closet, especially with the reporter snooping around.  Since this is the first scene in the present day, it is doubtless setting up one of the main conflicts of the season.  But who is the gay minister  Eli, Junior, or someone not yet introduced?  

Left: God Squad pecs

Tell the girls:  A young man rides a motorcycle to the Gemstone Compound, doing crazy stunts (this will be important later), while the background song advises:

Tell the girls that I am back in town.  They'd better beware

They may run, and they may hide.

I'll follow, and I'll be there.

 At least we know that he's not the closeted gay minister.  He turns out to be Eli's grandson Gideon, back from a job as a stuntman to assist with the Gemstone ministry.  He's going to move into the house that Eli built for his abusive dad.

In other news, Gideon's younger brother Abraham has been leaving "secretions" all over the house, like in the freezer next to the Dreamsicles.  

We cut to a church service with Eli Gemstone and his children, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, announcing the start of their streaming service, GODD.  We see Jesse's wife Amber, their kids, and Judy's husband BJ in the audience.  No partner for Kelvin. He must be single

F*k, yeah!  More after the break

Mickey and Goofy, the Gay Couple of "Walt Disney's Comics and Stories." With Christopher Knight bonus

Way to feel old.  I just bought the 75th Anniversary Edition of Walt Disney's Comics and Stories, the flagship of the Disney comics empire.

Back in 1991, I bought the 50th Anniversary Edition

And Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) is 67.

When I was a kid, I loved the Disney Donald Duck and Uncle Scrooge titles, with the ducks adventuring in exotic locales, in search of the Mines of King Solomon or the lost crown of Genghis Khan.

But I had no use for Walt Disney's Comics and Stories.

There was always a Duck cover, and the first story starred Donald Duck, but it was a slapstick comedy, not an adventure.

Then several stories involving minor Disney characters adapted from movies that came out before I was born:

1. The Little Bad Wolf, a "Casper the Friendly Ghost" who butted heads with his single father, Zeke, aka the Big Bad Wolf from The Three Little Pigs (1933).  Neither father nor son expressed any interest in girls, so that was a glimmer of gay subtext, anyway.  But also:

2. The patois-speaking Indian Little Hiawatha,who apparently starred in some cartoons in the 1930s.  f Offensive even for a 10 year old in 1971

3. Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio (1940).  Who?

4. Scamp, the son of the two dogs who got together in Lady and the Tramp (1955).  He was rascally, adventurous, a gender-stereotyped "boy," with sisters who were gender-stereotyped sissy "girls."  Offensive even for a 10-year old in 1971.

5/ Then a text story, unreadable, just so they could ship the comic books at book rates.

6. But the worst was the last feature, a serial by artist Paul Murray (1911-1989) that paired Mickey Mouse and Goofy.  

They were usually detectives trying to solve a crime with science fiction elements, though there were also outer-space and historical stories.

The problem was, I never could read a serial straight through.  Buying comic books was always a gamble, based on what Schneider's Drug Store stocked, what was left by the time I got there, and how much money I had.  There was never an opportunity to buy the same title several months in a row, so instead I always arrived in media res, or in time for "the ghost was really your disgruntled assistant" Scooby wrap-up.

More after the break

That scene from C*A*U*G*H*T, the Australian hostage comedy. You can't see the television series, but you can see the d*cks

  

Link to the n*de photos

I've been looking at n*de guys in mainstream movies and tv shows for a long time. Accidental displays all the way back to Mark-Paul Goesselaer in Dead Man on Campus (1998), full, open displays on Europhia and The Righteous Gemstones.  But this morning I saw a screenshot so shocking that I couldn't believe it aired on a mainstream television program (after the break).

So I had to research the program: C*A*U*G*H*T, with asterisks, like M*A*S*H,  to distinguish it from the other tv series named Caught that premiered that year.  It is a six episode comedy produced, written, and directed by Kick Gurry (Kick?), which aired on the Stan network in Australia, in September 2023.  It was pulled from international release, so not available in the U.S., but I read an episode guide.

The plot: four Australian soldiers go on a secret mission to the war-torn island of Behati-Prinloo, where they are mistaken for American spies and captured by "freedom fighters."  They release a homemade hostage video that goes viral, resulting the U.S. Secretaryof State, played by Susan Sarandon, negotiating for their release and Sean Penn offering to exchange himself for the guys.

As far as I can tell, all of the characters and actors are heterosexual.  

The four are:

1. Lincoln Younes as Albhanis Mouwad.  The former Home and Away soap star is known for Down Under, Tangle, and Grand Hotel.

2. Kick Gurry (Kick?) as Dylan Fox.  He is best known as Sparky in Speed Racer and Griff in Edge of Tomorrow.  He's rather unattractive, so we'll skip his photo.

3. Ben O'Toole (shouldn't that be Rod O'Toole?) as Rowdy Gaines (Rowdy?).  He is best known as Snapper Webster in Barons (Snapper?).

4. Alexander England as Phil Choi.  He appeared as Mnevis in Gods of Egypt.

More after the break, including that scene

Mark Haynes: Psycho-slasher, leather daddy, singer, translator, pec fan. With bonus Mark and David Deluise d*cks

 Link to the n*de photos

Mark Haynes has like 300 hot/hung pictures online, so I was going to do a hot/hung photo ollection, but the post is geting so few page views that I switched to a regular profile.

Mark (right) grew up in York, Pennsylvania, and now lives in Burlington County, New Jersey, near Philadelphia.  He has tried a number of career paths, including bodybuilder, hairdresser, bodyguard, model, translator, and personal trainer, and as Mark Intocable, a singer.  Spotify lists a lot of his singles, including "Take Me Back," "Drag Me Down," and "I am a Goth."  

"My Monster" is about a monster who pops up in the middle of the night when he's trying to sleep, or when he gets up to pee, "he's looking at me," saying "I control you, you do what I say."  Of course we all know what he's referring to.

Mark also films gay wrestling videos under the stage name Mark Muscle.

But his  main interest is in stunt work, especially choreographing fights and action scenes.  He has doubled for Dave Bautista in several movies, as well as Florian Munteanu, Travis Kelcem and Victor Drago

 For stunting he prefers fight scenes, but for acting he prefers gay characters.

His gay roles include:

High Town (2020): Leather Daddy #3 helped his fellow leather daddies beat up a drug dealer for making homophobic comments.

Bros (2022) was advertised as the first mainstream, non-niche movie by a major studio, "with an all-gay cast" and a plotline about a couple (Billy Eichner, Luke McFarlane) falling in love in spite of career problems.  It did not perform well, as heterosexuals were mostly afraid to see it, and LGBT people had already seen a hundred movies with the same plot.  Mark played a Rowdy Bear during a bar scene.

Intimacy Workshop (2022): A short featuring group of men gather for "a symposium on the art of human connection."

5Turning Teddy (2023), a tv series about a straight guy (Jamal King) who falls in love with an action-adventure star, "even though he likes women." Um...no big mystery there.  It's called being bisexual. 

Mark's most recent "gay" role was in Stream (2024), with Tim Curry as a hotel manager who sends masked Players out to kill his guets.  He plays Player 4, who doesn't get much character development, but it's significant that he targets only men: the foreign tourist Louis (Andrew Rogers), retired cop Bernard (Tim Reid),  and family man Roy (Charles Edwin Powell)

You can get Player 4 cutouts and action figures at fan conventions.

More Mark after the break

Confessions of a Mask

When I started grad school in Bloomington, Indiana, I didn't have much trouble finding gay books.  There was no gay section at the campus bookstore or the White Rabbit bookstore downtown, but you could just scan the fiction shelves for titles that were dark and sinister, about secrets and lies and despair: The Flowers of Evil, A Thirsty Evil, The Thief's Journal, The Color of Darkness, The Immoralist, City of Night, The Young and Evil.

So when I saw Yukio Mishima's Confessions of a Mask (1949) on the shelf, I knew that it was gay-themed.

It's about Kochan, a Japanese schoolboy in the 1930s who is tormented by same-sex desire.

He gazes lustfully at a night-soil carrier (a man whose job it is to carry human excrement) and at pictures of dead soldiers, knights, and Christian martyrs, especially St. Sebastian who was pierced by arrows (traditionally a subject of gay painters; Franz Kafka also posed).  He fantasizes about killing beautiful young men, enjoying the image of their beautiful faces bruised and bloodied, their muscular bodies seeped in blood.  Homoerotic desire is inextricably linked to the desire for filth, and to the desire to destroy.

Through his childhood and adolescence, Kochan never falters in his belief that he is wrong, deviant, evil, a monster masquerading as human.  He watches his schoolmates, especially a muscular boy named Omi who writes his name in urine on the snow.

He tries to suppress his urges for excrement, men, and death, even going as far as to have sex with a woman, but he realizes that he can never truly love anyone.  His desires are not only deviant but impossible; male beauty can only appear amid excrement;  a man cannot love a man without killing him.

Wow.

A rather depressing view of my future

Mishima was gay himself, and led a tortured life, obsessed with bodybuilders and death. He felt humiliated by the Japanese defeat in World War II, and in 1970 attempted to incite a coup d'etat to restore the power of the emperor.  When that didn't work, he committed ritual suicide.

Workaholics 6.1: Blake is gay in this one, but don't worry, Adam still likes men. With bonus Dane...um....Cook

 

Link to the NSFW review

Workaholics, with Adam Devine, Blake Anderson, and Anders Holm as a trio of loveable goofballs, rarely disappoints.  Adam takes his shirt off more often than not, and usually expresses an interest in men,.   But not always, and there are a lot of "let's look at ladies!" plotlines -- this was on Comedy Central, after all -- so going in cold, reviewing an episode without watching it first is risky. 

So let's go.   Episode 6.1, "The Wolves of Rancho," a parody of The Wolves of Wall Street -- the guys work as telemarketers in Rancho Cucamonga.

Scene 1: At the office, instead of working, Blake and Ders are having  a beatbox battle, while Adam moderates. 

Scene 2: The guys continue to avoid work, hiding behind the office to eat noodles.  Suddenly Cushing (Liam Hemsworth), who used to work there, drives up in his Porsche.   They're amazed: "You've changed -- you used to look horrible, but now you're hot."  

And how can a telemarker afford a Porsche?  It's because he transfered to the Van Nuys office, where his boss, JP (Dane Cook, below), is an inspiration.  

Scene 3: They yell at their own boss, Alice.  Why do they spend all day doing beat-box contests and taking naps?  Why aren't they making the big commissions? Because she's a lousy leader.  They insist that she transfer them to the Van Nuys branch, where they can be inspired by a real leader, and become great men/  She agrees.

Scene 4: Their new office, all dark and deserted.  A guy on the telephone tells them to "sell me on each other."  Blake: "He could sell sand to Sandra Bullock."  Adam: "He's like a hammerhead shark of telemarketing."  That's enough: The lights go on, and everyone pops out like at a surprise party.  They have a week to prove that they belong at the money-making machine.

Cushing give them the tour -- they each get their own office, decorated however they want, and there are new suits and hair gel products for them.  Hey, Cushing just  "goosed" a passing guy.  That's toxic workplace behavior, buddy, but at least it demonstrates that he is into men.

Scene 5: JP's inspirational speech: "We're gonna take this week, and butt-f*k it until it dumps Monday."  I don't know what that means, except for the butt-f*king part.  The employees are all dudes, except for two women standing in the background.  Looks like some gender discrimination going on, and quite a lot of dudebro homoeroticism.

JP explains his shark sales strategy: If an old guy says no because he spent all his money on his heart medication, what do you do?  Tell him to buy, and skip the medication!  No means yes!  Adam is horrified, but goes along with it.

Scene 6: End of day: "You crushed it!  200 sales!"  Presumably that means the whole office, not just the guys.  "Now you get to work late and make 200 more!" The guys are exhausted, but it's stay late or get fired. So, do they get time and a half?

To motivate them during their overtime, the "well hung" John Jordan will be coming around with botox injections, and there are sushi smodels: you pick sushi off their bodies, presumably trying to reveal the good parts.  Plus Pauly Shore, known for playing annoying characters, in a cage. "If you meet your quota, you can "wease the juice" with him."  I don't know what that means, but it sounds dirty.

Cut to the guys in their offices, doing hard-sells: "Do you care about the happiness of your children?"  Ders is juggling, Adam working out; and Blake doing martial arts. I know this is a "grass is always greener" workplace episode, but isn't Adam contractually obligated to take off his shirt at least once? 

He takes it off after the break

"Kiss Me, Kate" Updated and Gay-ified

I'm not much for musical theater, but I have a fondness for Kiss Me, Kate (1953), about the on- and -off stage antics of contemporary players performing a musical version of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.  The lyrics just need a bit of tweaking.

For instance, early in The Shrew,  Petruchio sings that he's come to Padua to marry a wealthy woman.  He doesn't care about her looks or personality; she could even be assertive and powerful.

I shall not be disturbed a bit, if she be but a quarter-wit.

If she only can talk of clothes, while she powders her gosh-darned nose. 

 Still the damsel I'll make my dame: in the dark they are all the same.

The gay version:

 I've come to boyfriend wealthily in Padua.

If wealthily, then happily in Padua.

I heard you mutter "Zounds, but what  a cad you are."

I shall take him without a flinch, if his cock be a quarter inch.

If he only can talk of cars, if he spends every night in the bars

If he never goes to the gym, if his pronouns are they/them, not him.

Still the boyfriend I'll take to my bed -- at least they will give me head

I heard you say "Gadzooks, completely mad you are."

I won't be concerned at all, if he's short, ugly, old, or tall

If his politics are red, not blue, if his chums are homophobes and rude

I know that didn't rhyme, I'm running out of time

If he's wealthy, I'll make him mine: they all look the same from behind.

Off-stage, Lois Lane (no relation to Superman) proclaims to her boyfriend that she prefers an open relationship:

I would never curl my lip at a dazzling diamond clip 

Though the clip meant "Let 'er rip," I'd not say "nay."

How about: I would never shake my head at a guy who's good in bed 

Though the bed meant "Give me head," I'd say "Ok."

She continues:

There's an oil man known as Tex who is keen to write me checks.

 Tex's checks, I fear, mean that sex is here to stay.

Gay version: There's a hung man known as Block, who is keen to show me his cock

Block's cock, I say, means that we are gay to stay...

And two gangsters sing that knowing some Shakespearean quotes will enhance your ability to seduce or sexually assault women:

If your blonde won't respond when you flatter  her, tell her what Tony told Cleopaterer.

Gay version: If the guy in your bed tries to block your cock, tell him what Gratiano told Shylock. 

They continue:

 If she fights when her clothes you are mussing, "What are clothes? "Much Ado About Nothing."

Gay version: If he bites when your cock he is.... sorry, I got nothing.

And the chorus boys complain that it's too hot to get laid tonight:

I'd like to meet with my baby tonight, get off my feet with my baby tonight

But no repeat for my baby tonight cause it's too darn hot.  

I'd like to stop by my baby tonight, and blow my top with my baby tonight

 But I'd be a flop for my baby tonight, cause it's too darn hot.

That one is gay enough as it stands.

Coming out with Barry Manilow. That's right, I said "Barry Manilow"

Speaking of singers that you couldn't avoid hearing during the 1970s, I spent my entire three years at Rocky High and most of my four years at Augustana College  running in the other direction while Barry Manilow's syrupy love! love! love! love! crooning spewed forth from transistor radios, car radios, the p.a. at school, record stores, tv...but there was no escape

Junior High.

1. "Mandy":

I remember all my life, raining down as cold as ice.

Well, he got that right -- all my life, I've remembered that song, no matter how much I don't want to.

2."It's a Miracle": 

It's a miracle, a true-blue spectacle....

At least he's over his relationship with Mandy.

3. "Could it be Magic"

Baby take me, high upon a hillside, high up where the stallion meets the sun...come, come, come into my... 

This is the first song I heard that I knew was about having sex, although I wouldn't be asking anyone to come, come, come into my....for a few years.

Tenth Grade:

4. "I Write the Songs": 

I write the songs that make the young girl cry...I am music, and I write the songs...

Barry Manilow is music?  Rather full of himself, isn't he?

5. "Trying to Get That Feeling Again": 

I've gone up, down,all around,  trying to get that feeling again. 

You just need to relax, Barry.  It can be tiring going...um....up, down all around.

6. "This One's for You": 

This one will never sell, they'll never understand, I don't even sing it well.

He's got that right.  The song won't sell, he doesn't sing it well.

Eleventh Grade:

7. "Weekend in New England." 

Last night I waved goodbye, now it seems years -- I'm back in the city, where nothing is clear.  

I'd rather be in the city than stuck in a small factory town in the Midwest.

8. "Looks Like We Made It": 

Do you love him as much as I love her, and will that love be strong when the old feelings stir?  

Barry is talking to someone in love with a man about how much he loves a woman.  I can't figure out what's going on.

Twelfth Grade: 

9. "Daybreak" 

It's daybreak if you want to believe, it's daybreak, no time to grieve. 

Repeat 38 times. Don't try to figure out what it means. I hav no idea.

10. "Can't Smile without You": 

Can't laugh, can't sing, finding it hard to do anything.  

So that's why his singing is so bad -- he's broken up with someone!   Quick, get back together!

11. "Even Now"

Even now I think about you when I'm climbing the stairs, and I wonder what to do so she won't see.  

You still thinking about Mandy?  It's been four years!

More after the break

Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl and Percy Story, Part 1

 

As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 40?"

"43.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He didn't even know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"43, imagine that.  He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."

The full story, with NSFW illustrations is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

Jake Short: Disney's ANT Farm genius plays a lot of girl-crazy teens, but his recent social media posts reveal...

 

Link to the n*de photos

Jake Short was born in 1997 in Indianapolis.  After some early roles, he became teencom-famous in ANT Farm (2011-14), a Disney Channel sitcom about a middle school for gifted students (ANT stands for Advanced Natural Talents).  His Fletcher Quinby is an artistic genius, and of course heterosexual, with two girlfriends before the series ends.

This led directly to Mighty Meds (2013-15) with comic book fanboys Oliver and Kaz (Jake, Bradley Steven Perry) discovering a hospital for superheroes, and eventually acquiring superpowers of their own. They have a gay-subtext romance, although each dates girls.

Jeffrey James Lippold, top photo, played The Crusher in 15 episodes.

In the spin-off Lab Rats: Elite Force (2016-17), they team up with superheroes Bree and Chase.

We can say that the adult Jake appeared in All Night (2018), a tv series about high schoolers locked in the school overnight for a bacchanal involving s*x and other illicit activity.

And Man of the House (2018), about two divorced sisters who move in together, and their son has to learn "what manhood means when he's entirely surrounded by females."  Just grow a pair and make them a lesbian couple.

The First Team (2020), only lasted for six episode, but it's from the BBC, so that may not indicate a failure.  It follows three players in a British Premiere League Football Team (the most prestigious).

More after the break

Drake Bell: A lot has happened since "Drake and Josh," including some gay videos posted when he was a 35/37 year old adult

   

Link to the n*de photos of Drake at the adult ages of 24, 35, and 37

Ok, this post has been deleted and reinstated, and then deleted again, and I can't figure out what is triggering the censors.  Dozens of other posts are much more *xplicit, and the censors don't care. I removed every word that could possibly be construed as referring to someone who is y*ung, and anything that refers to s*x,  Let's see what happens:
    

You probably remember Drake Bell from Drake and Josh (2004-2007), the Nickelodeon teencom about mismatched stepbrothers, with Drake the schemer ("let's break into the school and stack all the desks upside down) and Josh (Josh Peck) the stick-in-the-mud ("but we have to study for our math test").   It was loaded down with gay subtexts, including an nearly-out gay couple, Craig and Eric.  (Dudes even hold hands during a crisis).

You may have gone to his first post-Drake movie, College (2008), where he and his three friends head for a "college weekend" (a weekend of fun activities to convince high schoolers to apply).  Theirs involves nonstop shenanigans, all intensely heteronormative. At least Drake is taped to a statue of the founder with his backside exposed to the world. I think it's supposed to be humiliating.

Drake was 24 years old when he filmed the scene. 

You may have watched A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner (2011), to see how Nickelodeon would handle the gay-subtext classic.  They flubbed it.  Timmy is absurdly hetero-horny. 

And then you probably relegated Drake to nostalgic memories, not paying a lot of attention to what he's been doing for the last few years.

I checked.  Brace yourself.  It's a lot.

More Fairly Oddparents movies.

A lot of stuff with former coster Josh Peck 

A lot of voice work, especially Spider-Man in various cartoons, even Phineas and Ferb, and a video game.

An Elf named Snowflake

Ben the Wizard in Bad Kids of Crestview Academy

The reality series Splash, where celebrities dive for charity.

The paranormal series Silverwood

Damian in American Satan

A career in music, with six studio albums, eighteen singles, twelve music videos, and sold-out concerts.  Some songs in Spanish that top the Mexican charts. 

Drake's personal life after the break.  Warning: it gets rocky.  

The Hollow: Adam and Kai Hugging

Three teenagers awaken in a locked room with no windows or doors.  They don't remember who they are, but slips of paper in their pockets give them names.  As they try to escape, distinct personalities emerge:














Adam (voiced by Adrian Petriw, left) is the strong (as in super-strong), logical, level-headed leader.

Kai (Connor Parnall) is the skittish, easily frightened goofball, but a mechanics whiz (he can rewire a spaceship).

Mira (Ashleigh Ball) has mystical powers, like being able to talk to animals.

They escape, only to find themselves in a secret scientific facility, chased by devil-dogs.

Then in a world occupied by minotaurs from Greek mythology, who intend to eat them.

They escape into a lair of witches who want to inhale their souls, meet the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, rewire a spaceship, crash it into the ocean, meet the Cyclops of Greek mythology, and...

More after the break