"Dad Can't Know That I'm Gay": An Abraham Gemstone Adventure, with Ash, some twink d*cks, and a special appearance by Pontius and Stacy

 

 

Link to the n*de dudes

In The Righteous Gemstones, Abraham (Gavin Munn) is the teenage son of megachurch pastor Jesse Gemstone, and grandson of patriarch Eli Gemstone. He doesn't have many queer codes, but Gavin has a few.  I'm writing Jesse's other two sons, Gideon and Pontius, as gay, and Uncle Kelvin and his partner Keefe are canonical.

 

August 23: The first night of The Play that Goes Wrong, and everything did go wrong!  It was supposed to be about mishaps during a performance, with forgotten lines, broken props, and so on, but Ash really did forget his lines, miss his mark, and open his eyes while dead!  It was unusual for juniors to get starring roles, even during the Lowland Summer Stock -- usually they went to seniors preparing to study drama at prestigious universities.  So this was a big opportunity -- that he flubbed.  

After the requisite standing ovation, he wanted to slink out quietly, skip the cast party, and go home, but Pontius Gemstone and Stacy, two guys from his skateboarding group, were waiting in the wings, along with the cutest boy Ash had ever seen: a round face, blue-grey eyes, a shock of unruly brown hair.  He looked familiar, but Ash couldn't place him.

"My man!" Pontius exclaimed, pulling him into a hug.  "We had to come out and support our skating bro!"

"So...er...how did you like the show?" he asked the cute boy.  

He  said "Nice" in a near whisper, and looked up at Pontius.

"You know my little brother Abraham, right?"  

Now he remembered.  "Oh, sure -- I've seen you around the skate park, and in French class last year?"  He turned to Pontius.  "This guy spends three-fourths of the class not saying a word, and then suddenly he gives a five-minute spiel on Cocteau."

"Cock Two?" Pontius repeated.  "Sounds like my kind of writer."  

Stacy laughed and grabbed his arm.  "Be good!"

"Oh, I'm always good, Stace."

Wait -- were Pontius and Stacy dating?  He knew that Stacy was gay-- but didn't Pontius like girls?  

"We're...um...going out for pizza," Abraham said, looking down.  "Do you want to come with us?"

"En Francais, s'il vous plait."

He grinned -- a smile that made Ash melt!  "Veux-tu manger une pizza avec nous ? Et baise-moi "

And kiss me?  Whoa....  

They stopped at Famulari's for a bacon-cheeseburger pizza.  Yep, Pontius and Stacy started dating while he was in the hospital after the Gator Farm Massacre.  Stacy didn't want to tell their parents or anyone in the skating group yet.  He didn't explain why, but Ash suspected that it was because Pontius didn't seem like the monogamous type, and why get everyone all excited for them if they were going to break up in a few weeks?  

Once he had about a quart of soda in him, Abraham opened up.  His parents took him to Paris for his tenth birthday, and he was hooked.  He wanted to major in French in college, and become a translator.  He liked Heartstopper on Nickelodeon, country-Western music, mountain bikes, water-skiing, and scary movies.

Ash saw his chance: "Have you seen Sinners?  It's about twin brothers fighting vampires during the Great Depression."

"Sounds cool," Abraham said, flashing that incredible smile.  "Where's it playing?"

Ash checked his cell phone.  "At the Terrace.  I'm performing tomorrow and Sunday, but we could go on Tuesday night, if you're free."

Pontius began "Sure, we'd...", but Stacy shushed him.  "I mean, sorry, we have plans.  Why don't you and Abraham go together?"

Abraham looked down at his plate. "That'd be ok."

"Great.  I'll pick you up..."

"No!" he said forcefully, almost angrily.  "I'll pick you up..."

They all stared.  

"See, Grandad gave me a car for my sixteenth birthday, so I like to do the driving."

Ash's performance was better on Saturday night, and nearly perfect for the Sunday matinee, but still, the hours dragged.  He couldn't stop thinking of Abraham's smile, and resisted the urge to text him every five minutes.  He still texted a lot, just not every five minutes.

August 26: The movie was one of the best he'd ever seen, and the date was the best he'd ever had, cuddling against the amazingly cute Abraham Gemstone, arranging to reach for the popcorn when he did so their hands could touch.  But things came crashing down when Abraham dropped Ash off at his house, and he leaned in for a kiss.

Abraham moved his head.  "Hey, watch it!"

Ash's stomach churned.  Wasn't this a date?  Wasn't Abraham gay? "Sorry.  I thought..."

He was staring straight ahead.  "It's ok."

"If you don't like me in that way, we can always be friends, right?"

"Sure."

"Shake hands?"  He held out his hand.  Abraham took it, pressed the open palm to his face, and closed his eyes.  Was he trembling?

"Are you ok?" 

"No.  I mean, yeah, sure, of course."  He dropped Ash's hand.  "Good night."

When Ash texted a "thanks for a nice evening" later, he didn't respond.  And in the morning, when he texted "Are we still friends?", no response.  

The full story, with n*de photos, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: "My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery

Gavin's Cute/Cool Photos, Part 4: A boy and his bully, a boy and his stuntman, Kelton Dumont, Santa Claus, and some n*de dudes

Michael Sayfou: Ethiopian-American model/theater major with a cat, a physique, and a lot of queer codes. Plus some Ethiopian d*cks.   I'm using Michael as the model for Ash.

Gavin Munn's polar plunge. Plus Tony's cold dip, a bondage hookup, and some nude dudes in the snow

Jimmy Olsen's Secret Life, Part 1: Jimmy discovers that the Gemstones Do It Big

 

Link to the n*de dudes

Jimmy was prepared for a mansion rivaling Bruce Wayne’s – after all, the Gemstone motto was “Do It Big!”  But he still wasn’t prepared for the Gemstone Lake House, on Lake Murray, South Carolina’s biggest reservoir.  Tudor-style, with three round towers, four decks, eight bedrooms, two swimming pools, two boat launches, and a gazebo decorated with statues of the Greek gods Aphrodite and Apollo. 

Jesse Gemstone himself met him at the door, casually dressed in a checkered shirt and white pants. He shook Jimmy's hand and said “Praise be to He,” as if it was a standard greeting.   Jimmy had interviewed presidents and superheroes, but he was still in awe.  Rev. Gemstone was not only one of the three heads of the most successful Evangelical organization in the world, he was constantly in the news for everything from a mismanaged Prayer Pod debacle to numerous attempts on his life.

“Thank you for agreeing to the interviews,” Jimmy said. 

“It’s a visit,” he corrected.  “You’re our guest for the weekend.  Think of yourself as family – a long lost cousin.  You want anything, just ask.”  Then he flashed The Look – everybody did, Jimmy should have expected it, but he was still taken aback.  This was Jesse Gemstone!

Since he was about 15 years old, everybody who saw Jimmy Olsen, except for kids and the very old, fell in love with him.  Man, woman, gay, straight, single, married – it made no difference.  Usually they weren’t really aware of what was happening, they just knew that they liked Jimmy and wanted to do things for him – he got a free dessert almost every time he ate in a restaurant, he was bumped to first class almost every time he flew, and he had never been turned down for a date or a hookup, except by Clark Kent – but sometimes they knew exactly what they wanted, and got a little aggressive.  God, he hoped that Jesse Gemstone wouldn’t get aggressive.

But all Rev. Gemstone did was caress Jimmy's arm a bit and lead him into the foyer and…the library, where the Gemstone siblings crawled after they were shot by Corey Milsap, and prayed for him as he died -- they prayed for their murderer!  

“I’m surprised that you want to spend time at this place, when you and your brother and sister were shot and almost died here.”

He chuckled.  “So, if I stayed away from every place where someone tried to kill me, I’d never go anywhere.”  Then he hesitated.  “This isn’t going to be one of those smear pieces, is it?   Frankly, I agreed to the visit because  I like some of your articles in the Daily Planet.  You’ve got heart -- not like that Lois Lane and her muckraking interviews with Superman”

“It's going to be about the Gemstone Miracle, how you survive and thrive after adversity.  I get you – I grew up in the South. In an Evangelical family.”

“But you’re not Evangelical anymore?”  Uh-oh, Jimmy felt soul-winning coming on.

“I’m a gay ally – my sister is trans.  And I just couldn't stand the homophobia in my home church."

“Believe me, that’s not a problem here.”  Next they moved into parlor where they held talent contests, and Corey Milsap did a Michael Jackson routine – before trying to murder his friends.  “Is there going to be a talent show this weekend?”

“Why, do you have a piece in mind?”

As Rev. Gemstone showed him the dining room, kitchen, sun room, and game room, Jimmy wrote his introduction in his head:

A cross between Elvis Presley and Conway Twitty, with the Van Buren sideburns and rings on every finger, Jesse Gemstone lives the Gemstone motto of “Do it big!”  He has been kidnapped by his uncle, assaulted by a close friend, and shot by another close friend, yet he doesn’t hesitate to open his home and his heart to a complete stranger.  

“My brother and sister and their spouses will be coming up for dinner, and my oldest, Gideon, will be arriving tomorrow.  Right now it’s just my wife and I, our other two kids, and their boyfriends.”

Wait – boyfriends?  Didn’t Jesse and Amber Gemstone have three sons?  Jimmy would have to check his notes.

Mrs. Amber Gemstone: The Preacher’s Wife

Mrs. Gemstone was in the kitchen, elegantly dressed, all in white as she brought a pastry – peach cobbler? – from the oven.   She wiped her hands on a towel to shake Jimmy’s hand.

“You must think I’m an old fashioned Evangelical housewife, subservient to her husband,” she said, pausing as she gave him The Look.

“No, I don’t think that at….”

She caressed his arm.  “But we don’t have full time staff at the lake house.  The service goes home after making lunch, so we have to either eat out or cook dinner ourselves.  But coming all the way from Metropolis, I thought you’d appreciate some real Southern cooking rather than the Root Cellar or Thai Thai.”

Jimmy pulled away.  “I’d appreciate that, Ma’am.”

“Open!”  She popped a spoonful of cobbler into his mouth – a big spoonful, and still steaming hot!  He cried out in pain.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!  Jesse, get a glass of milk for our guest!”

Amber Gemstone, resplendent in white, the picture of the elegant Southern woman, is expertly hiding some insecurity.  She longs to be a traditional Evangelical housewife, following St. Paul’s admonition to “be submissive to your husband,” but the three-time sharpshooting champion of Charleston doesn’t take kindly to being submissive.

Abraham: The Loud Son

 “Pontius and Stacy are  out on a pontoon boat,” Jesse told him.  “You can meet them later. Next up is my youngest, Abraham.  He just turned eighteen.” 

Stacy?  Ok, Jimmy must have misheard.  Jesse’s middle son had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

He led Jimmy out to the bigger of the pools – the one behind the lake house – where two teenage boys were playing a noisy sword fight game with pool tubes. They were high school aged, athletic.   When they saw Jesse and Jimmy, they jumped out of the pool and ran forward.

“Boys, this is Jimmy Olsen, the reporter who will be staying with us this weekend.  My son Abraham –”  he gestured at the shorter boy, who had a muscular physique and a shock of unruly brown hair.  “And this is his friend Ash” – tall and thin, with brown skin and curly black hair.

“Don’t be so retro, Dad,” Abraham said, flashing the Look as he took Jimmy’s hand.  “Ash is my boyfriend.  I’m gay.”

“Yeah, with a boyfriend, I figured.”  He dislodged himself from Abraham and shook hands with Ash, who of course flashed the Look.  

"I'll leave you alone to get acquainted."  Rev. Gemstone vanished into the house.

“Go ahead and publish it in The Daily Planet,” Abraham continued. 

“If there’s room in my article.”

“I figured it out when I was like six, but I was afraid to come out to Dad after what happened to my brother Gideon…”

What happened to Gideon?  Jimmy smelled a Gemstone story that he hadn’t read in a bio or seen on CNN.

“We’re big fans of Superman,” Ash interrupted.  “Have you met him?”

“No, but I’ve met Beast Boy, and I dated...I mean, used to be friends with the Green Lantern."

 Jimmy kicked himself.  He was in a family famous for being gay positive, talking to two loud-and-proud teenagers, and he was closeting his gay relationships.   

“Hey, want to go water-skiing before dinner?” Abraham asked.  “If you brought your swimsuit.”

“You don’t need a swimsuit,” Ash added, glancing down at Jimmy.  “The Gemstone Lake House is clothing optional.”

Living in the shadow of three generations of famous Gemstones, 18-year old Abraham has found his own way to be noticed: by being loud, by talking about what everyone else is afraid to mention: secrets, bodily functions, identities.  The first thing he says to you, after “Hello,” is “I’m gay.”

The full story, with n*de photos and s*xual situations, is on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends

See also: Jimmy Olsen's Secret Life, Part 2: Keefe singing, Jimmy twerking, and Gideon in his underwear

A World of Jimmy Olsens

Jimmy Olsen: Superman's Boy Pal

"Superman" (2025): You'll believe a man can queerbait

Skyler Gisondo's Hot/H*ng Photos, Part 5: A bathtub, a glory h*le, b*ndage with Scotty, bonus Corenswet and Hoult

   

 Link to the n***de photos

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of  Skyler Gisondo, star of The Santa Clarita Diet, The Righteous Gemstones, and Superman

1. "Another photo collection?  Haven't you seen enough of me?"

I can't help it, buddy.  You keep posting interesting pics.

2. And now that you're starring in Superman, we have interesting photos of David Corenswet to worry about, too.

3. And Nicholas Hoult

4. "Hey, I thought this was a photo collection about me."

Sorry.  How about a long-hair bathtub pic? 

5. "Have you met my girlfriend?"

Odd time to introduce her.

More after the break

The18 best Gemstones stories: Kelvin with Percy, Cousin Karl with Vance and Percy, Keefe with Gideon, Pontius with Stacy. Plus Abraham comes out

  

Link to the n*de photos

I never wrote fan fiction before, but I got the urge frequently during the run of The Righteous Gemstones, to "fix" terrible plotlines, expand upon minor characters, and respond to the incessant "that doesn't make Kelvin gay" fan complaints.   There are 25 on Archive of Our Own, but I've only reposted 18 here:

Before Season 1

How do I Know If I'm G...:  Pontius pressures his older brother, 16-year old Gideon, into coming to his sleepover.  He invites the "juvenile delinquent" Manny, gets his first kiss, and wonders if he is g___.

During/After Season 1

My Boyfriend and my Satanist Ex-boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner.  Kelvin wants them to stay closeted at Thanksgiving Dinner with Keefe's family, but his ex-boyfriend, Daedalus, is coming, too, and wants to get back together.

Is there S*x After Death?  Scotty dies in Episode 1.8, but Grandma Aimee-Leigh guides him through all the moments of Gideon's life, so he can forgive him for all the moments lost to pettiness and fear.

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree.  After the events of Season 1, everyone thinks that Kelvin and Keefe are boyfriends -- except for Kelvin.

During/After Season 2

BJ's Angels.  I envision Gideon and two members of the God Squad getting jobs as detectives in a Charlie's Angels parody, with BJ as Charlie.

During/After Season 3

B*ndage doesn't solve everything.  There were several hints in Episodes 1-2 that Kelvin and Keefe were into tie-up games, so I wrote a story where they guys break up during a scene, then reconcile when Kelvin arranges for Keefe to get a job as manager of the Gemstone Health Club.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy.  Percy appears in just one scene, as an interior designer working on the church board room.  In this story, Kelvin is distraught after the Episode 3.4 breakup, and his siblings suggest that he move on...with a date with Percy.

Gideon Moves out of the Friend Zone. After the Episode 3,4 breakup, Gideon gets the nerve to ask Keefe out.  They have a hookup, but is that enough to move out of the friend zone?

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.  The day of the Episode 3.8 Kelvin/Keefe kiss, seen through the eyes of Amber, Gideon, Eli, Judy, Keefe, and Jesse.

More after the break

The ten best and ten worst Gemstone episodes, from the incredible "WIcked Lips" to the nonsensical, queerbaiting "Burn for Burn, Stripe for Stripe"

  

Link to the NSFW version

The 36 episodes of the Righteous Gemstones are a mixed bag.  Some are marvels of cinematic craftsmanship, tightly plotted, exciting, rewarding a careful investigation of props and background songs, and loaded down with queer codes.   Others are, to use the scholarly term, crap, with horrendous plot holes, terrible pacing, misleading props and background songs. and just a few queer crumbs -- if not outright queerbaiting. 

The Ten Best Episodes

1.4, "Wicked Lips."  Scotty and Gideon go on a date, and discuss their bedroom activity, with a romantic and an er*tic song. Keefe hasn't thought of Kelvin as a potential boyfriend yet, so he looks for love in a sports bar, and then encounters his old Satanist friends.  Plus S*men Load Guy (left).

1.7, "And Yet One of You is a Devil."  Scotty and Gideon break up, and each tries to pretend that it was just a fling, not true love.  But it doesn't work: Scotty kidnaps his ex-boyfriend and his father, forces them to open the church vault, and cries "You made your choice, and broke my heart" before driving off into oblivion.  Not to worry, Aimee-Leigh brings Scotty back to his true love.

1.9: "Better is the End of the Thing than the Beginning"  After breaking up with Keefe, Kelvin nearly comes out, but decides he's probably the Messiah instead. Keefe returns to the Satanists, and does a performance art piece where he is immersed in a tub of jizz.  Kelvin comes rushing to the rescue. And we see Keefe's d*ck (again).

2.1, "I Speak in the Tongues of Men and Angels."  Who knew that the world-famous televangelist Eli Gemstone started his career as a loan enforcer along with his boyfriend Junior?  And Kelvin becomes the Messiah of Muscle, with a cadre of musclemen lifting weights and frolicking in his front yard.

2.6: "Never Avenge Yourself, but Leave It to the Wrath of God."  Keefe and Kelvin do bedroom stuff, but fans argued that Keefe was just helping him on with his underwear, leading to extensive conversations about how professionals help invalids get dressed (hint: you don't kneel in front of them).  The God Squad takes over the mansion, forcing Kelvin to become their maid and Keefe to become their s*x slave.  And Eli breaks up with Junior, who runs off broken-hearted (and fans argued that they were just friends!).

2.9: "I Will Tell of All Your Deeds"  The mysteries are all resolved in a way that makes sense, Eli and Junior reconcile, Junior gets a new boyfriend, and Keefe is admitted to the family as Kelvin's partner.  Plus the song "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend" has us all in tears.

3.3: "For Their N*kedness is Your N*kedness."  Kelvin almost calls Keefe his "boyfriend."  Keefe performs a highly erotic fire dance at Cousin's Night.  Afterwards they're shown on their way home for "hot s*x."  Plus Robert Oberst, a Norwegian Fire Viking, and a Balkan s*x god.

3.5: "Interlude 3."  Kelvin is obviously gay, we see Braxton Alexander's bare backside, and Uncle Peter has a beautifully-staged decline and fall.

 4.4.: "He Goeth Before You into Galilee."  At the Lake House, the siblings try various pranks to make their dad Eli break up with his new girlfriend.  A pleasant, rather fluffy episode.  Plus we see Keefe in drag and a lot of male Gemstones in swimsuits, and Pontius is identified as gay or bi. The only plot problem: when Eli and Lori don't come down for breakfast, the siblings burst into their bedroom, and catch them in the act.  Who would do that? 

4.5: "Interlude IV." The night that the Golden Bible was stolen.  Plus Kelvin as an obviously gay teen idol fan, an effervescent Young Corey, and Young Jesse in his underwear.  I like how Jesse accidentally drinks the intruder's urine, a callback to Keefe's worry about the devil's urine earlier.

Worst episodes after the break

Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye. With eight gay/bi characters and countless d*cks

  

Link to the n*de dudes

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus:

 A more obvious romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two gay bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

P* enises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' gl*ry hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them. In the midst of some profound theological insights into faith and forgiveness.  There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 posts, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye.  

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that his deceased wife Aimee-Leigh wrote to her friend Lori years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at her son Corey's grave.  

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

3. Continuity error: the Gator Farm Massacre occurred in late June or early July 2025.  Earlier we read that Big Dick Mitch went missing in March 2024.  No way he was a prisoner for over a year.  

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Aunt Tiffany and his Sister Judy. Keefe hugs Uncle Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible, the Maguffin of the season, on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to his arch-nemesis Vance Simkins was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Jesse's sons, Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt? Plus check out his room: Pictures of Holly Hobbie dolls and a ballerina nightlight.  He's gay.  Prove me wrong. 

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher. 

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some c*ks to get you through it

 Link to the NSFW version

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete."  

1 Timothy 3:17,  ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."   Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon.  It looks like Abraham squeezed between them.  I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel:  The Cape and Pistol Society.  Vance Simkins bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him.  He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel.  Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli. Duelling and challenging someone to a duel has been illegal in South Carollina since 1880.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn.  Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory."  

Vance's shot goes way over the trees.  Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag.  Then he stops and begs for his life.  Jesse deliberately aims away from him, but accidentally hits someone else. 

He tells the group:  "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man.  It's what you do that makes you impressive.  So I quit."  Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin examines the newly-completed treehouse.   "Great job, Keefey."  You've never once called him that, Bro. 

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's urine causes you terror."  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage. 

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and Kelvin completely tears down the idea?  Now he proposes: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring.  They hug and kiss.  

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear.  We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His ___: At home, BJ is unscrewing the pole he used for dancing: "I thought  I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it."  Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.  

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off.  Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight....  Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come...apart, they discuss the Monkey.  BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him to visit the Monkey.  They end up reconciling.  I fast forwarded past that part: boy-and-dog, or in this case boy-and-monkey stories make me uncomfortable.  But I wanted to profile Jonathan M. Jones, who plays the Monkey's new owner: he was planning on a career in sports management before an accident left him an amputee. So he took acting lessons, and  now has nine credits listed on the IMDB, notably the voice of Scar in several crime shorts.

Presumably this is the end of Judy's plot arc, but I'm not sure what it was.

Aimee-Leigh's Letter:  Visiting Eli, Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that they aren't dating.  In other news, Corey is taking the death of his father  "real rough." He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister. Well, he killed Cobb to save Eli and Baby Billy.  You might expect some trauma.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there.  They say goodbye and hug.  Doesn't she live nearby?  Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds.  He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

Left: Ash (Michael Sayfou) tied to a cross.  

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work."  He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene.  He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending  time with his family. 

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian, c*ock on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit.  Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars.  Shows over.  Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.  

Eli's D*ck Still Works: Eli is on the darkened stage where Lori sang at the telethon. He bows to an imaginary audience, sits morosely at the piano, and starts to play. 

Suddenly the siblings appear for a heart-to-heart: They're impressed that he can still do things, so they're fine with him doing things with Miss Lori or whoever.  They all hug.

When this scene appeared in the trailers, fans speculated that Eli was mourning the death of Baby Billy or Lori, or that he himself and all of the siblings were dead.

"By the way, has anyone heard from Corey?"

No, he doesn't answer their calls and texts.  They decide to invite him up to the Lake House.

Pontius Pats: At Galilee Gulch, Corey stares morosely out into the lake, then goes inside, where the talent show is going on:

Lori and Judy sing "Little Angel, Big Heart," which she mentioned writing with Aimee-Leigh.  

In the audience, Keefe is feeding Kelvin Hershey's Kisses. This will become important later.

Pontius has his arm around Gideon -- and leaves it there -- and keeps hugging and patting his shoulder.   This is a parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe displays of affection. After Season 1 dropped strong hints that Gideon was gay, he never expressed an interest in men or women after.  Pontius had a girlfriend in Season 3, but this season he is shown only with men, and the t-shirt he wears has only c*ocks on it.

They are in a masculine embrace, only the fact that they are brothers pushing away from identifying them as gay -- and only just barely.   

It's Corey's turn to perform.  He comes down in his Michael Jackson outfit -- the one Eli paid $22,000 for.  He moonwalks and grabs his crotch, but doesn't sing a Michael Jackson song.  Maybe they couldn't get the rights.

Uh-oh, Corey has a problem: the bank is going to foreclose on the Gator Farm, and he needs $7 million to buy it back.   They're all shocked -- you don't just ask for money, you approach with a business plan and a powerpoint presentation -- but Corey says "I killed my Daddy to save Dr. Gemstone.  He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?" 

Jana tries to spin it as a loan, not a handout.  Corey tells her to shut up, and she finally grows a pair: "I'm tired of you talking to me like that!" 

"Then get the f*ck out!" Corey yells.

Jana wants a divorce. "This is over!" 

The siblings push Corey into playing cornhole to calm him down.  Eli pushes everyone else onto the boat.   Cool somersault, Abraham.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.7: Kelvin and Pontius have their nards threatened, Teenjus meets the Devil, and Jordanians show their junk

  

Link to the n*de photos.

Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.  

The full verse, NIV: "For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge.  Husband? I think we're going for Cobb as the Big Bad.

Left and below: Michael Sayfou, who plays Ash, Pontius' friend (and Abraham's boyfriend in my fan fiction).

The plotlines in this episode are not thematically linked, so I'll separate them by character.

Cobb's Story

We open with the gaping mouth of an alligator!  Various hooks, tools, skins, and Lori's ex-husband Cobb practicing boxing on a mannequin labeled "Feel the Pain."  

Lori drives up and yells "Nope!  We're not doing this again!"  She yells at him for trying to scare off every man she gets involved with.  She's probably referring to the brick through the her window and the car set on fire, but you never know.

He tries flirting with her - "You can't stay away.  Must be my animal magnetism."  But she says next time she's calling the cops. Next time?  I'd be calling the moment it happened.

Later, Cobb puts on a show at the Gator Farm. He rings a bell to signal "dinner time" to his favorite gator, the huge, ornery Big Gus.  "Gators are territorial.  Invade their territory, they'll bite you."  Uh-oh, Eli is in the audience!  The connection to Eli and Lori is too easy.  It must be a misdirection.

Cut to Cobb bagging up a toy alligator in the gift shop.  Shouldn't he have someone working during the show?   Eli approaches and explains that Lori is with him now, so "no more trouble." 

Cobb lays into him, noting that Lori has been with a lot of men since the divorce, and she was doing "sick, nasty stuff" up in Pigeon Forge.  He hands Eli a newspaper ad for her escort service: "Adult companionship -- wealthy men.  Call, click, connect.  First half hour free."

Ok, this has to be fake.  Prostitution is illegal in the U.S., so she couldn't advertise openly.  Escorts usually work from a standard client list.  You would neveer specify "wealthy men."  And what does "first half hour free" mean?  You charge by the act, not by the hour.

Cut to lunch. Eli asks Lori about the escort business ad. She claims that it's fake: "Cobb made up those ads to try to smear me."  There's not much call for 65-year old hookers in Pigeon Forge.

Eli also ran a credit check.  "You're broke.  You declared bankruptcy last year."

This makes Lori angry.  Accusing her of being a "who re," and then of being a gold-digger!  "Aimee-Leigh used to tell me how much you care about money.  I thought she was exaggerating."  She throws some money on the table to pay for her lunch and walks out. 

Kelvin's Story

Keefe arrives at Kelvin's treehouse, but the rope ladders and platforms have been pulled up, so he can't get in. 

Kelvin: "This is what cowards do.  They hide in their forts."  In what way was the round table debacle cowardice?  

Keefe points out that everyone at Prism is worried about him, but Kelvin doesn't believe it: "They're not concerned.  They just realized that I am a failure."

Tonight is the final event in the Top Christ Following Man promotion: the Night of Testimonies. "Nope, not going.  Now go away."

Cut to Keefe morosely turning off the lights at the Prism Prayer Room and puting a sign up: "No Prism today.  Maybe tomorrow or maybe another day or something."

The Monkey's Story 

In the kitchen, the Monkey feeds BJ pretzels, gets him some water, and kisses him on the lips -- five or six times, yuck! -- while Judy fumes.   

Later, she is in her bathroom, primping in front of the mirror, when the Monkey starts flinging its treats at her.  Then it jimps onto her vanity and throws her makeup onto the floor.  She rushes out into the dining room to tell BJ what's happening -- he's cleaning the Monkey's butt.  Gross!  

BJ says that it's not a competition.  He loves both Judy and the Monkey.

Then he brings up Kelvin's round-table debacle: "Poor guy.  Vance Simkins is a self-righteous bigot and a homophobe."  Judy is angry with Kelvin due to his insults earlier, so she refuses the Monkey's suggestion that she visit and talk to him.

Vance's Story

At the Cape and Pistol Society, Vance gloats: "Getting rid of Kelvin gives me a clear path to victory (in the Top Christian Man Contest).  He was the only real competition."  Plus, he enjoys hurting Kelvin, because it hurts Jesse. 

But Jesse counters that he hates Kelvin due to his insults from earlier, so "it doesn't hurt me at all.  It strengthens me."

Vance continues, evoking the Night of Testimonies: "I'm going to ruthlessly dismantle Kelvin tonight."  The ensuing conversation is censored.  It's on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends.

Gideon's Story

At the back entrance to the Salvation Center, Pontius and his friends, including Ash (Michael Sayfou) and Edge (Alexander Matoussian), are skateboarding and getting high on air duster spray. 

Jesse, Amber, and the kids arrive.  Jesse yells at him for disrespecting a sacred place, and Gideon agrees.  

Pontius: "What happened to you, man?  You used to be cool.  Now you're just like them -- a sellout."  

The conversation that follows is censored.  

He and his friends walk away jeering.  Jesse: "I hate Pontius so much!"

Cut to another of Gideon's inept Prayer Time powerpoint presentations, this one on "The Lord's Divine Power."   It looks like he proved that God exists and is eternal, and that Jesus made an expiatory sacrifice -- all in 40 minutes?  And the takeaway from all that complicated theology: "Love one another." 

He concludes: "You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Agreed.

Afterwards Amber praises the clarity of his speaking voice, but Jesse found the sermon boring.  Too much crammed in.  Make it simple.

Next Amber asks about his feud with Pontius.  "I don't know.  I tried being nice to him for a long time, but now I sort of keep my distance."  Try "love one another"?

"You need to work it out."

'But he says the most awful things to me."

"That's the problem with siblings,"  Jesse says.  "hey know your weaknesses, and can f*ck you right in the a-hole with them."  It wouldn't be the first thing that's been in Gideon's a-hole.  Seriously, why has this guy never expressed any interest in men or women since Season 1.  

Amber suggests that Jesse reconcile with his brother Kelvin, to be a role model for Gideon and Pontius.

Cut to the freeway underpass where Pontius and his friends are skating to the song  "Suck my d*ck.  Suck my mf*ing d*ck."  Do you mean that literally, dudes?

Gideon appears and invites them to church. But you lead Prayer Time, not the church service.

 "Go back to Sunday school and start doing stuff with your Daddy."  Sure, no problem.  Tell Jesse I'm free around 10:00.

Gideon tears up his notecards, takes a skateboard, steals a dude's sunglasses, and does some harsh shredding, proving himself a bad dude.  Pontius and the guys are shocked, and hug him.  Dudes, don't you remember the blackmail schme with Scotty?  The Cycle Ninjas?  Smashing the militia compound? Gideon has always been a bad dude.

They all  hug him and say "Sick!"  This is why Gideon was terrible at preaching: he was trying to be a "good Christian boy."  In every season, he is torn between Charleston and California, the life his family wants for him and the life he wants for himself.  I can relate, having grown up with a constant litany of "job, house, wife, kids."   Like Kelvin, he has now found a way to meet family expectations while being true to himself.

Reconciled, Gideon and Pontius hug.

Jordanian junk after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four d*cks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German dudes, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

  

 Link to the n*de dudes

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you into Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing n*de, nice shots of his front and back, which made some viewers angry: "Nobody likes looking at that!  Why can't we see Amber's stuff instead?  Every man on Earth, without exceptions, wants to see Amber n*de." Ever hear of gay men, guys?

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little a*-kiss."  Abraham has like two lines this season, both about backsides.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing n*aked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom closet.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them moved to Kelvin and Keefe's room.

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, uses a "play within a play" to discover that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King so they could take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay.  Pontius and Abraham get some queer codes, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork.  

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big D*ck Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big D*ck Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms out.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his d*ick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: In the bedroom, Kelvin shoves the rack of Aimee-Leigh's clothes into the bathroom, then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.   

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or flirty?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." 

The movie also has a parallel to the Gemstones in the character Mark Jarvis (Tom McBride, top photo, no relation to Danny McBride), who uses a wheelchair.  The actor was gay in real life, and did some n*de modeling during the 1980s.  He died of AIDS in 1995.

Jesse thrusts: Down in the rec room, Amber is happy to see Gideon interacting with his brothers, and Jesse again gets jealous. Dude, he's just not into you anymore.  Time to move on. 

Complaining about Eli/Lori,, Jesse asks if Amber would mind if he started dating one of her close friends after she died.  He describes the act in lurid detail, thrusting aggressively as he imagines his father doing it.

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Eli/Lori again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan: The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur. a shot that appeared in the trailer and made fans think he and Kelvin had kids. No, he's waving at Kelvin. Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly -- about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

Skyler Gisondo's Hot/H*ng Photos, Part 1: Birthdays, biceps, and a Viking Satyr. Plus Asa Butterfield

 
 Link to the n*de photos.

Skyler Gisondo is not my favorite actor.  Endless gay crumbs with no resolution as Gideon on The Righteous Gemstones, then deliberate queerbaiting as Jimmy Olsen on Superman.  But technically neither were his fault, he's cute, and up to 2025, his social media was overbrimming with gay teases, so let's look at some photos.   

 

1. 24th birthday, with cat, odd presents, and a bare chest.

2. That's how I play basketball, too.

3. When gay guys have a party, they usually don't play Monopoly.

4. Skyler starred in The Santa Clarita Diet as the boyfriend of the daughter of the zombified Sheila Hammond.  Thomas Novak, n*de on RG Beefcake and Boyfriends, played their high school principal. 

5.Skyler dressed as a Viking Satyr for a competition in Wet Hot American Summer.   If you don't like eating hot peppers, I have another suggestion.

6. A more realistic Viking-Satyr costume for you to consider. 

More genuine Gisondo after the break.