I started watching Spell on Amazon Prime, thinking it was another movie, about a cop buddy-bonding with a comic-book fanboy -- so many one-word titles get confusing. So I didn't read the plot synopsis, and I fast-forwarded past the film company logos to minute 2.59.
Scene 1: A scruffy bearded guy, probably the comic book fanboy, is trying to pick up a hustler . "Are you working/" he asks. And "Where do people go?" The hustler: "They usually go to hotels." "Great, let's go there."
Scene 2: Scruffy bearded guy checks into a hotel. Wait -- what about the hustler? He licks all of the fixtures and the window. He then puts pills in his ears and takes a shower fully clothed. Ok, I'm fast-forwarding.
Scene 3: When is the fanboy going to meet the cop? Establishing shots of Reykjavik. He buys a sweater, then goes to the Penis Museum (and licks a silver dildo. Schoolboys on a field trips stare at him.
Scene 4: He goes to the Museum of Sorcery and Witchcraft, where the guide is talking about magic in early Viking Iceland. Practicing magic then could have gotten you burned at the stake (no, it couldn't, not in Iceland, anyway). The most famous story is about a magic student named Loftur, who created a spell so powerful that it could control Satan (the Vikings weren't Christian, so no Satan). He died before he could complete the spell, but one day he will return and....
Scruffy Bearded Guy begins trembling and jerking uncontrollably, and runs out. Guide texts someone: "I think I've found Loftur." So everyone with cerebral palsy is a dead magician?
Scene 5: I've figured out that this is not hte comic book fanboy movie, but I keep watching. Scruffy Guy goes to a pharmacy, but they won't renew his prescription, so he calls his psychiatrist and leaves a message: "My OCD is getting worse" Obsessive-compulsive disorder: that explains why he obsessively licks things.
Scene 6: Scruffy Guy goes to a bar, where a hot babe flirts with him while her boyfriend looks on. Eventually she dumps the boyfriend to kiss Scruffy Guy.
It's what I get for starting a movie without reading the plot synopsis: "After the death of his fiance, Scruffy Guy is drawn into a supernatural world." Or watching the trailer, which shows him kissing a girl 3,248 times.
But he goes on some sort of spirit quest into the Icelandic wilderness with an old guy, so maybe there are some homoerotic scenes. I'll fast forward.
Scene 7: Girl kissing, girl kissing, girl taking, getting a tattoo of the Loftur rune, girl kissing, naked girl kissing, girl sexing. Poor boyfriend, left at the bar. He was much hotter than Scruffy Guy, too.
Scene 8: The girl stole a bunch of important stuff from Scruffy Guy, so he goes to see the Old Guy she mentioned before, to try to track her down. Old Guy promises to help, but first he wants to take Scruffy Guy on a trip: "You will eat what I cook, sleep when I say. You will see beautiful things." (Nice sized dick, huh?)
Scene 9: In the Icelandic Outback, Old Guy shows Scruffy Guy a runestone (Idiot doesn't know what a runestone is? I learned that when I was about six!) Powerful magic, yada yada yada.
Scene 10: They look at mountains. Scruffy Guy opens up about how hard it is to control his OCD. Old Guy: "Then don't control it. Let it be."
Scene 11: Scruffy Guy draws a comic strip about a boy named Psketti and his dog Ketchup. The long-dead Glen Bean originated the strip, so Scruffy Guy has to imitate his style and subject matter, and can't do his own stuff. Aww, stifled creativity. Old Guy: "No, it is a beautiful thing. A man wants greatness, so he completes the work of another great man."
Scene 12: They get naked (butt shots) and sit in a thermal pool. Scruffy Guy doesn't like the idea of being naked "with a creepy old guy drinking vodka." Maybe when you see his penis, you'll like him better. Old Guy sees his Loftur tattoo, says that he chose it, and orders Scruffy Guy to accept his destiny. He attacks, they fight (penis shots), Scruffy Guy drowns Old Guy.
Darn! So much for buddy bonding.
The Girl and her Boyfriend jump up out of nowhere and revive Old Guy. They yell at Scruffy Guy: "You are Loftur! We've been waiting for you for a long time! Get busy!" They drive off, leaving Scruffy Guy alone, naked, in the wilderness.
Scene 13: Scruffy Guy wanders around the wilderness, thinking about his dead girlfriend. He ends up in a house where The Girl is waiting for him. They chat, drink tea, kiss, have sex, kiss, have sex, kiss, kiss, and chat.
Scene 14: Back in the wilderness, he hears The Girl's voice: "You're so close. Go to the water." So he goes in the water and drowns.
It was all a feverish hallucination in the last moments of his life. And no buddy bonding!
Beefcake: Scruffy Guy is naked for about half of the movie. Old Guy is naked for awhile, too.
Other Scenery: The Icelandic outback looks horribly bleak
Gay Characters: Scruffy Guy is intensely, aggressivly, nauseatingly heterosexual. Old Guy might be gay.
Supernatural: It was all in Scruffy Guy's head. But then, how do you explain things happening when he is not around?
My Grade: F
I saw the trailer which looks painful
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