The Danish sword-and-sorcery parody Ronal the Barbarian (2011) bombed at the box office and got bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, no doubt because the bulges and butts made heterosexuals uncomfortable. But I was recommended the movie specifically because of the bulges and butts, and it's streaming for free on Youtube, so here goes:
Prologue: We're in the world of Conan the Barbarian. The mighty warrior dies in battle. Everyone drinks his blood and develops massive muscles and bulges, except for Ronal (Anders Juul): there's not enough left for him to build anything but a bulge (which is a problem because....).
Scene 1: Ronal works out, but doesn't get bigger. His uncle says he's going to go on a quest anyway: it takes balls, not brawn, and he's got...um...balls.
A singer and his hetero-horny apprentice (Hadi Ka-Koush) arrive in the village. Apprentice wants to go on a quest with the barbarians so he can attract girls, but the Master says he must continue studying.
Scene 2: The barbarians feasting, chugging, and flirting with girls. Ronal is sick of being bullied or ignored, so he asks to be assigned guard duty. No one ever attacks anyway. But at that moment, the Dark Lord (Lars Mikkelsen) and his army of Orcs attack! Everyone is captured except for Ronal and the Singer's Apprentice. It's up to them to rescue the barbarians!
We would expect a gay subtext, except the Apprentice CONSTANTLY talks about girls of various sizes and shapes, and when he compliments Ronal on his butt, Ronal says "Don't touch me."
Scene 3: They arrive at the ruined palace of the Oracle, a crazy witch doctor type who tells them that the Dark Lord can only be defeated by the fabled Magic Sword which has been lost for thousands of years. Meanwhile, the barbarian captives arrive at Mount Doom. The Dark Lord is not pleased, however, since one is missing -- they don't have a full set? Go find Ronal!
Scene 4: On the road, the Apprentice singing about girls. One of his songs happens to mention that the Elves' Book of Wisdom tells where the Magic Sword is hidden, so it's off to Rivendell. Oh, and they meet a Lady Warrior, who agrees to join their quest. Warning- hetero romance ahead.
Scene 5: An inn where people, monsters, and fairies are carousing. Elric, the Frutalicious Gay Elf (Brian Lytte), offers to guide them to the Elf kingdom. Ronal is embarrassed by his touchy-feely crotch-kissing physicality. The Dark Lord's minons arrive in search of Ronal, and they have to flee.
Scene 6: The entrance to the Elf Kingdom, a high wall in the desert. Only those with "the right stature" can enter, and Ronal is afraid, so they try to find another entrance. He almost gets them killed. (When Apprentice needs rescuing, Lady Warrior, not Ronal, does the job. No gay subtext here!).
Scene 7: Ronal turns invisible (except for his balls) and sneaks into the castle. He finds the Sacred Book, tears out the page with directions to the Magic Sword, and rushes out, chased by fairy guards shooting arrows at his balls.
Scene 8: Ronal and Lady Warrior have a heart to heart. She likes him, but she can only date men who defeat her in combat. And she's a great warrior, which is why she's always single.
Scene 9: Nazguls attack! They capture Lady Warrior and Elric. Ronal and Apprentice run away, only to be captured by Amazons, who need Ronal to make babies (Apprentice will get his turn tomorrow night).
Later, they argue; Ronal storms out. Then a hot Amazon tries to have sex with Apprentice, but he rejects her because "My friend needs me."
Meanwhile, the Dark Lord drools and paws over captured Lady Warrior, but she breaks free. They fight; he defeats her, so now she is in his power. So she not only dates the man who defeats her, she is his slave. That's sexist!
Scene 10: Ronal finds the Magic Sword, but drops it, and Lady Warrior, under the Dark Lord's power, picks it up. Finally they have all of the barbarians, and they can use their blood to summon Chernabog, the monster from Fantasia
Elric and Apprentice disguise themselves as Orcs and sneak into the Dark Lord's palace just as the ceremony is about to begin. They release Ronal, who releases all the barbarians. Everyone fights. Ronal defeats the Fantasia Monster with some help from his friends. Even Lady Warrior: Ronal has "conquered her heart," so she is no longer under the Dark Lord's power. Kiss.
Scene 11: Everyone celebrating. Apprentice is impressing girls with his lute. Elric is massaging a barbarian ("I sense a tightness in your groin."). Lady Warrior and Ronal are lovey-dovey. The end.
Beefcake: Lots of bulges and butts.
Heterosexism: Ronal and Lady Warrior, Apprentice and his horniness.
Gay Characters: Elric is a swishy stereotype.
Rushed Plot: Finding a guide to go to the Elf Kingdom to find a Sacred Book to find a Magic Sword. Fantasy stories are usually quite convoluted, but in 90 minutes, the various searches seem rushed.
Pastiche: A Lord of the Rings parody, 70 years after the books were published, and 10 years after the movies.
My Grade: C for the story, B for the bulges.
For your opinion. "The American Astronaut" c.2001. I liked it.
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